Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com
This coastal cleanup...
is just the beginning.
The mayor's environmental initiative is the biggest campaign of its kind.
Now there are more than 300,000 public employees in New York,
and we're planning to enlist them all
to create an army of environmental warriors
because this city is at war.
It's a war against waste and pollution
- and global warming. - Oh, my God!
I understand how she feels.
It's shocking to see how much trash
and litter you will find along this shoreline.
Wait, don't touch it!
Some people are more sensitive than others.
Dr. Roundie!
What's that?
Okay people, we've ID'd the body. Her name was Beth Landau.
The ME just released the preliminary report.
Excuse me. We're not quite finished here.
Lt. Caruso, I presume. Dr. Alvin Roundie,
I'm with the Mayor's environmental initiative.
- I'm sorry we started without you. - No, I'm sorry.
We might have to reschedule because this is a murder investigation.
You were there.
But this is a murder investigation, too. This is the murder of planet Earth.
I was just reviewing our new recycling policy.
Now, it couldn't be simpler.
Yellow is paper, not cardboard.
Red is cardboard, not paper.
Green, clear bottles.
Lavender, glass bottles.
Coral is organic waste,
blue is clear glass
and Pacific blue is metal.
If you get confused,
you can always refer to the chart.
- Thank God there's a chart. - Yes, well, thank you very much.
I'm sure we all want to do our part.
One last item, I'm almost done.
Now, you can goodbye to your plastic trash bags.
We are replacing them with these:
Triple-ply, biodegradable paper bags.
I'm way ahead of you. "They're paper bags, won't they leak?"
Okay, there may be some seepage,
but it is a small price to pay to avoid this:
Say hello to the devil.
This country uses 380 billion plastic trash bags a year.
I love trash talk.
Each bag is part of a single roll
of polyethylene films,
Three millimeters thick, 800 feet...
Okay, thank you very much, Doctor.
You've given us a lot to think about, and we appreciate it.
Any other questions?
No? Okay.
Well, thanks again and here is my card.
Be careful with that. It's tissue paper.
- Which one is paper? - The yellow one.
Okay, as I was saying, our Jane Doe has a name:
Beth Landau. Cause of death, blunt force trauma.
Sounds impulsive, not premeditated.
Either way, he was smart, methodical. Took his time, scrubbed the body.
- No prints or fibers anywhere. - What about the trash bags she was in?
Forty-two gallon contractor bags. Black plastic, untraceable.
At least we know Professor Ponytail didn't do it.
He cut her fingernails. Right hand, not the left.
I noticed that, too.
- Maybe she scratched him. - Good for her.
She worked for Richie Knight?
- What? - Yeah. She was his personal assistant
for the past three years.
I love Richie Knight.
Welcome Home got me through middle school.
He was the father I wished I had.
He was everybody's father. Have you guys seen The Little Dipper?
I love that movie. I've seen it a dozen times.
- I don't like it. I love it! - I love it!
- That curly thing on his hair... - Bopped her in the face...
Yeah look, maybe you should call him.
I hear he needs a new personal assistant.
Not cool, man.
Alright, well...
as I was saying...
blunt force trauma...
- And how are you? - Still hasn't sunk in, I guess.
- She only lived here for three months. - Was she seeing anyone?
No, Bethie wasn't a big dater. She worked 15-hour days.
Richie kept her so busy.
Did you ever meet him?
Twice. Bethie brought me backstage.
He's so funny. He's even funnier in person.
- Oh, my God. He kills me. - Have you seen his stand-up?
I know. What is it about funny guys?
I know! Even a total loser. If he can make you laugh, right?
- It's like... - What exactly did she do for Mr. Knight?
Research, mostly. For his memoirs.
She really loved her job.
Until about a week ago.
What happened then?
Well, she wouldn't say, but...
she started calling in sick, which she never did, and...
she seemed really nervous.
No, please don't open that.
- Can I smell that? - No. You may not.
- Can I see it? - Nope.
I outrank you. You know that.
- Put that away. - Thank you.
- How long have you been a musician? - About a year.
What are we watching?
- Richie Knight? Since when? - Caught a case this morning.
His assistant was murdered.
Who's assistant? Richie Knight's? Holy moly. That's huge.
- Do you like him? - I never really watch him.
No, I mean, do you like him for the case?
- Did he do it? - I don't know. Maybe.
She was on her way to meet him when she disappeared.
We're meeting with him tomorrow. Cora's so excited.
She left work early, she's getting her hair done.
Do me a favor.
When you see him, ask him about my audition demo.
Your what?
He does this segment called "Take Your Best Shot." This is it.
It's on now. Here, take a look.
This is unbelievable.
This is the five of diamonds.
You sent him a tape?
I submitted that video of me singing at Aunt Angie's wedding.
You were there. They wouldn't let me off the stage.
I'm not gonna ask about a demo tape. He's a material witness in a homicide.
- Maybe it'll come up organically. - How is it going to come up?
I don't know. Maybe he'll say, "Lieutenant,
the only thing I know for sure about the victim
was she really loved the song 'As Long As I'm Singing'."
And then you might say,
"What a remarkable coincidence, Mr. Knight.
My father sang that very song at my aunt's wedding.
Everybody loved it. They made him sing it twice."
Fine. If his dead assistant's favorite song was "As Long as I'm Singing",
I will tell him how at Aunt Angie's wedding,
- you were asked to sing it twice. - Thank you.
Was that so hard?
Would you like to see me pull a rabbit out of here?
- Sure. - So would I.
Where's his other Emmy Award? His talk show wins almost every year.
Look who did his homework. Maybe he gave it to his mother.
A lot of winners do that.
Or maybe it's the murder weapon, and he had to get rid of it.
Actually, when I bludgeon people, I prefer to use my Golden Globe.
It's a little bit heavier.
I'm afraid that the real story
is not half as interesting.
- I gave one of them to charity. - Mr. Knight, thank you for making time.
I'm Lt. Caruso, All-City Homicide.
- This is Detective Vasquez. - Hello.
Hi. Hello.
I can't believe I'm shaking the hand that wrote The Little Dipper.
Don't get too excited. It's done other things too.
That's good.
How long had Miss Landau worked for you?
Almost three years.
It's just heartbreaking. I don't know if I'll ever get over it.
- Would you like to have a seat? - Thank you.
- We just have a few questions. - Sure.
So, Tuesday night, you contacted Miss Landau?
That's right. She had some notes that I needed.
So, I texted her at 9:30, and asked her to bring them over,
but she never showed.
- Did you call her? - I did. Two or three times.
- Yeah, you can check my phone records. - We intend to.
That's the third degree. I know what that's all about.
That's like... okay. I did it, you caught me, bro.
I killed that bitch. She had $12 in her purse. I wanted that money.
Shoot that fix, that $12 right up this arm.
Are those scratch marks?
That? Yeah.
My girlfriend has a cat, Muckles. He assaulted me a week ago.
- Can you arrest him? - One case at a time.
So, Tuesday you needed your notes.
- Were they important? - They were.
She was doing some research for me, because I've been writing my memoirs
and I'd just finished my first draft. It's very good.
Would you like to read it?
- I'd be honored. - Great!
I'm gonna get it. It's upstairs.
- You stay right there. - Okay.
- You're not helping. - What?
- The laughing. - I can't help it. He's funny.
You know he's got a staff full of writers. Anybody can be funny
- with a staff full of writers. - Even you?
Excuse me, would you like something from the kitchen?
No, ma'am. We're fine.
Thank you, though.
Actually...
How long have you worked for Mr. Knight?
I just started. It's my second week.
How's it going?
He spoils me.
My first week here, he gives me two days off.
Really?
Wednesday and Thursday with pay.
Wednesday and Thursday of last week?
Aha! You know, he does half the cleaning himself.
When I walked in Friday, the whole first floor was scrubbed clean.
- No kidding. - Mm-hmm!
Is this a new rug?
Yes, it is. He had it put in while I was gone.
Thank you, Mrs. P.
Well, here it is.
- Please love it. - Okay. I promise.
We just have a few more questions, Mr. Knight.
- How often was Miss Landau here? - At the house?
Never. This would have been her first visit.
And did you leave the house on Tuesday?
No, sir. I was tired of waiting
and I decided just to go to bed.
Alone.
Life in the fast lane.
Excuse me.
Mr. Knight, there's an adjunct detective to see you.
There's a what?
Oh, no.
Richie Knight, we meet at last.
Tony Caruso. "Big Tony", to my friends.
Caruso?
I know that name. From TheCaruso Commission?
You've got a good memory.
Wait, I forgot to wipe my feet.
- Mr. C, can we talk outside? - No, I'm good here.
Is this your father?
I love this room!
What a ceiling! How's the acoustics?
- I'm confused. Are you together? - Well, not officially,
but I sometimes help out the kids in an adjunct capacity.
That's not true.
Nothing he just said is true.
As long as I'm here, here's my audition.
I sent you one last month, but you must've misplaced it.
- An audition? - Yeah, for your show.
I'm an entertainer, too.
It's in the blood. You can ask Junior.
At his Aunt Angie's wedding, 200 people.
They wouldn't let me off the stage.
- If I'm lying, I'm dying. - Okay, we've had enough.
Dad, thank you very much. Mr. Knight, thank you for your time.
Thank you. Detective. Lieutenant.
- I hope you get your man. - We'll get him.
We always do.
No... You know what? Mr. C, the party's over.
Richie, alright, my man.
Bye.
Hey, I'm going up to bed.
Giants lost, in case you're wondering.
You alright? I mean, it's freezing out here.
Come on, you're gonna have to talk to me eventually.
Alright.
I'm sorry, I interrupted your thing with Richie Knight.
It wasn't a thing, Dad. I was interrogating the man.
He's my primary suspect.
Come on. Are you kidding?
You still like him for this?
He's the guy.
Are you kidding? Richie Knight?
Holy Moses! Was he humping her?
No. We asked around. He's never dated anybody on his staff.
- Then there's no motive. - Not yet.
But he had the means and the opportunity. He's the last person she talked to.
He sent his maid home for two days. He had scratch marks on his arm.
He bought a new rug.
Dad, you can't just barge in like that,
and audition in the middle of a murder investigation.
Wait a minute. Are you upset because I interrupted you
- or because he liked me? - He didn't like you.
Are you kidding me? He clapped, he said, "Wow."
He was being polite. It was a pity "wow." Dad, I love you.
I know you love to sing, you've dreamed of being famous your whole life.
But, at your age you have to face it. If you haven't succeeded yet...
you might not have what it takes.
Hang on, one second.
Yeah, you got him.
Yeah, I'll hold.
Speak of the devil. I'm holding for Richie Knight.
Hey, Richie. Yeah. No, it's not too late. Never too late for you.
Tomorrow?
Yeah, sure. I'll make it work.
Great, great. Yeah.
I am, too. Okay, bye. I'm doing the show tomorrow!
A segment producer is going to call me in 20 minutes.
No, that's not possible.
Nothing about that is possible.
I'm sorry.
What were you saying
about not having what it takes?
That's not important. I'm gonna go inside and rehearse.
By the way...
you're wrong about Richie.
He's not the guy. There's no way.
He is the dad from Welcome Home.
Come on.
Welcome back!
Well, this segment we call "Take your Best Shot".
You New Yorkers may recognize our special guest right now
from his hit reality series called "The Caruso Commission",
where he was so popular that they gave him
an ironclad contract for five to ten years.
Not only that,
he is also an incredibly talented singer and dancer.
Please welcome Tony "The Tiger" Caruso!
♪ I like New York in June ♪
♪ How about you? ♪
♪ I love a Gershwin tune ♪
♪ How about you? ♪
♪ I love a fireside ♪
♪ When a storm is due ♪
♪ I like potato chips ♪
♪ Moonlight and motor trips ♪
♪ How about you? ♪
♪ I like to dream of fame ♪
♪ Maybe I'll shine ♪
♪ I'd like to see your name ♪
♪ Right beside mine ♪
♪ I can see we're in harmony ♪
♪ Looks like we both agree ♪
♪ On what to do ♪
♪ And I like it ♪
♪ How about you? ♪
♪ I like it ♪
♪ How about... ♪
♪ You? ♪
- Can you stick around? - Sure, sure!
We'll be right back with Tony "The Tiger" Caruso.
- Richie, thank you so much. - It's my pleasure.
Tony, when did you start singing?
Well, you know...
Richie, I'm Italian, so we're born singing.
But I started singing in front of people in prison.
- I was entertaining the troops. - What kind of stuff did you sing?
Well, in there you do whatever they want.
In there when a guy nicknamed "Hatchet"
requests a song, that's pretty much the song you do.
- Hatchet? - Hatchet.
- They love him. - They don't have to live with him.
Richie's invited him back. He'll be on again tomorrow.
Can you get us tickets?
You don't see what's happening. He's messing with my head.
- Richie Knight? - Yes.
He's using my father to rattle me.
You can't see clearly because you're laughing,
but he's diabolical. The man is pure evil.
He is. He's pure evil. Can you get us tickets?
What?
Lieutenant, it's from the lab.
Those carpet fibers we found on her body? They were from a car.
- What kind of car? - It could be any one of 12 models.
All European, all built before 2010.
How about a 2005 Jaguar XJ8?
Yeah. It's on the list.
- Good guess! - It wasn't a guess.
- That's what Richie Knight drives. - If there were car fibers in the body,
- then the garbage bag must've ripped. - It works both ways.
If the bag ripped open, her DNA was in the car.
- Is that enough for a warrant? - Depends on who you ask.
Judge Rosenthal might buy it. It'll be for the vehicle, not the house.
We don't need the house. The car's fine. Let's call him.
How's your boyfriend's book?
It's pretty good so far. I'm only on Chapter Three.
Well, he doesn't know it yet, but we're about to rewrite the ending.
That sounded cooler in my head.
Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand, Tony Caruso!
Tony, I think you would agree that
times are a bit tough in the world now for the working man?
I wouldn't know about that.
- Well, I've been struggling a bit. - Really?
Yes, and actually last weekend
I took some part-time work as an Uber driver.
No kidding?
Yeah. In fact, let me show you some of my passengers.
I just happen to have pictures of them right here.
This is my first passenger. He was a rabbi...
coming back from giving a circumcision.
He left me a small tip.
- Would you like to see it? - No, get out of here!
I have it right here. Look!
What? What are you guys thinking? Come on.
- Thank you, Richie. - It's on the show.
And there's another passenger I had.
- Hey, I know that guy. - That's Keith Richards.
- Which was a huge mistake. - Why is that?
Because now my car smells like Keith Richards.
So you're telling us that your car was "Richards'ed"?
Yes.
I'm saying that my my Jaguar was "Richards'ed".
And, people, listen, there is no air freshener in the free world
that can get rid of that smell.
Tony, what do I do now with my car?
- You can't sell it. - I can't even give it away.
I have no choice.
- What is it? - I'm gonna torch it.
- What? - Yeah.
I'm gonna give it a proper Viking funeral.
Tony, would you mind?
You think, maybe I might need your help on this?
- Sure. - Alright.
Let's go out to my car.
Outside. Come outside.
- Do you all have an appointment? - No, sir, but we do have this.
- Search warrant. Are you kidding? - Does it look like I'm kidding?
- Are we really gonna do this? - We're doing this. I'm gassed up.
You're gonna burn your own car?
I have to. It's been "Richards'ed".
- I did come up with that! - You coined it, you coined it.
- This is the car? - This is the car.
Now, it looks nice but it doesn't smell nice.
Oh my goodness!
Alright. Now, kids, do not try this at home.
Here we go. We just douse this.
Hey, Richie, not for nothing, but you're doing it all wrong.
What am I thinking, you're an expert! Show me.
Here you go.
This is expired.
What?
There's an art to torching a car.
Most people think it's the gas tank, but it's not.
- It's about the fabric. - The fabric?
Yeah, the fabric.
I guess you're going in. Show a little discretion.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, see?*
You ignite the fabric, the rest follows, see?
Oh, thanks.
I'll leave this to you.
- I'll be over there. - Okay.
Dad, no! Dad!
Oh, man!
I don't like it.
I love it!
Of course he knew! The car was a Petri dish.
- It was full of evidence. - Are you sure about that?
- Why else would he burn it? - Because it was a bit!
He burned his own car!
It's conceptual humor. We do a lot of that in our show.
Our show? So it's your show now, too?
Yeah. I'm a regular now. I got a promotion.
He's using you, dad. Why can't you see that?
- For what? - To screw with me.
Well, not for nothing, Anthony. He's doing a pretty good job of it.
- Where are you going? - I can hear you.
You know, you're just not being fair to the man.
You're treating him worse than CBS.
Welcome Home, Season 8.
The network kept changing the time slot.
- Nobody knew when they were on. - Oh, my God.
There is such a thing as a presumption of innocence, Anthony.
There's no presumption here. Richie Knight killed that girl.
He killed her in his house then dumped her by the river.
Why? Tell me that. What's the motive?
I don't know. I'd know more if you hadn't burned the evidence.
"There's an art form to it, Richie, you gotta ignite the fabric."
Have you even looked at any other suspects?
She had a boyfriend.
Ex-boyfriend, and of course we checked, he was in LA.
Self-inflicted?
Suicide? Really?
- Did you find a note? - When do you think she killed herself?
Before or after she climbed into the garbage bag?
After.
Alright, look.
I see what's going on here.
It's pretty obvious. You don't want to share me with the world.
No, I get it. And I love you for it. I do.
You know what? I'm going to bed.
Goodnight.
I love you for it.
It's been three hours.
He'll make a move soon.
We rattled his cage pretty good.
Greg Kinnear.
Excuse me?
Did you just say Greg Kinnear?
The actor?
He's famous, but he's not super famous.
Every day I remember who he is and say his name.
Why?
So I know I don't have Alzheimer's.
There he is.
What's he doing?
It looks like trash day.
There's a dumpster in the back.
Maybe it was full.
Let's go.
- You know my policy? - I know. You don't run.
Mr. Knight, my gosh, can we take a picture with you, please?
That's okay, I'll take it. I'm good. Oh, man.
- Alright, have a good one. - You're welcome.
Electric bill, junk mail...
More junk mail...
- Milk Duds? - Yeah, he loves them.
It's in his book.
When he was seven, on Halloween,
the house across the street was giving away Milk Duds.
He kept changing his costume. He went back four times.
- That is so Richie! - It's almost too Richie!
Alright. Hello, guys.
Look, I like to laugh as much as the next guy.
Yeah, if the next guy is Kim Jong-Un.
The guy walked two blocks to drop this off.
There is something he doesn't want us to find.
Something that proves Beth Landau was there that night.
Coffee grounds... Peanut brittle.
The guy doesn't recycle.
We should report him to Professor Ponytail.
Make him sit through that video. That'll teach him.
Lieutenant? This has my name on it.
What are the odds?
He wanted us to follow him.
He's playing us.
Cora.
Burl.
Me.
Tickets to the show?
"See you there.
Love, Richie."
I mean...
Live on tape from New York.
It's Knight Time, with Richie Knight.
Tonight, Richie welcomes Channing Tatum,
Amy Poehler, with Irv Ferguson and the Mighty Midtown Quartet,
and me, Big Tony Caruso.
Welcome back!
Well, we had another comedy piece prepared.
But you know what? Screw that!
I think you'd all rather hear another song
from our own, Tony Caruso, am I right?
Knock 'em dead!
♪ My funny Valentine ♪
♪ Sweet, comic Valentine ♪
♪ You make me smile with my heart ♪
♪ Your looks are laughable ♪
♪ Unphotographable ♪
♪ Yet, you're my favorite work of art ♪
Stop, stop.
What are you doing?
- I'm singing. - I can't believe you're singing that.
- What? - That song.
That's the most offensive thing I've ever heard.
"Your looks are laughable, unphotographable?"
Seriously, not cool.
But it's a standard Sinatra.
That's no excuse.
I have women who work on my staff, women that I respect.
And I have two younger sisters, and I will not have someone like you
come here, and insult them, and objectify them.
- Rodgers and Hart. - I don't care who wrote it.
You know what? I want you off this stage. Go!
I get it, you're joking. Richie, that's good, Richie.
Does it look like I'm joking?
I'm not. I want you off this stage right now. Go!
There is no room for bigotry on this show, am I right?
Hey, Tony.
You want to come back tomorrow and read from Mein Kampf?
Sorry about that, everybody. We'll be right back.
You were right. He did it. He's your guy. Go get him, Son.
♪ Your looks are laughable ♪
♪ Unphotographable... ♪
It is pretty hinky... if you think about it.
It has nothing to do with the song. He's inoculating himself.
- Against what? - Against me.
He's brilliant. I'll give him that. He hires Big Tony, fires him,
humiliates him on national television.
- What for? - Insurance policy.
If we indict him now or accuse him publicly,
he'll just say it was personal.
That the cops just set him up for what he did to my father.
- He's the guy. - There's no motive.
He's a monster.
And you see it clearly?
Everyone else is wearing blinders?
That's right.
How is that possible?
I was raised by Tony "The Tiger", remember? I learned the hard way.
A man can be charming, and entertaining,
and loved by everybody, and still be guilty.
It's like those guys in high school, the golden boys,
the jocks that just get away with everything.
Actually, funny you mentioned high school, I was just reading about it.
His junior year, he moves to this new school,
but he barely mentions it. Just two or three lines.
- Next thing you know, he's in college. - Really?
Yeah, it's weird. It's like a two-year gap.
Lt. Caruso.
I'm not surprised.
I'm not surprised you're not surprised.
I'm not surprised you're not surprised I'm not surprised.
Gosh, we have fun. Don't we?
How's your old man?
He'll get over it.
He's the toughest guy I know.
Actually, he's the one who suggested I call Judge Fontaine.
Who?
Vivica Fontaine. Superior Judge, Manhattan Juvenile Court.
This morning, she agreed to unseal your Juvenile Court records.
You forgot to mention the drug deal in your memoirs.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about mixing Vicodin and heroin
and selling it to your friends.
Two of them overdosed and died in your basement.
That must have been very scary.
I was 16.
Too young to call nine-one-one, apparently.
Your parents spent a fortune
paying everybody off, and covering it all up.
I'm not wearing a wire.
We can't talk here.
Are you coming or what?
Hello?
Mr. Knight?
Hello?
Richie?
I told you, I'm not wearing a wire.
Yeah, but now we're sure, aren't we?
No, no, no. You stay right there, Aquaboy.
I know you can tread water. You've been doing it all week.
So...
You think you've figured it all out?
You got your motive.
The missing piece, right?
That's right.
Here is your theory. You correct me if I'm wrong.
Beth Landau was very good at her job. A little too good.
She dug a little too deep.
She stumbled across some newspaper article or something...
about my shameful secret past;
the drugs, overdoses...
the two dead kids, losers that they were.
Waste of skin, the both of them.
A story like that is is a career killer.
I mean, I would have lost everything.
And eventually, she would have talked because she was young,
and that's what young people do. They talk.
I had no choice.
I had to kill her.
Is that... your theory?
More or less.
Well, you're right.
I did kill her.
Are you peeing in the pool right now?
No!
Are you sure? Because you're making that face...
I'm not peeing in the pool!
Alright, I believe you.
You're an honest man.
What's that like?
She didn't suffer, in case you were wondering.
She never saw it coming.
- The Emmy Award. - Yeah.
In the heat of the moment, it's the first thing I grabbed for.
But I don't care.
There'll be plenty more awards.
- Why are you... - Why am I telling you this?
Why not? It's your word against mine.
And I'm Richie Knight,
the dad from Welcome Home.
And you're a cop whose father I fired in front of the whole world.
You are a cop with no proof, and no physical evidence,
and I made sure of that.
There is no way you're gonna be able to connect me to that body.
Oh, you know what?
I have to go. Robert Downey Jr. is on the show tonight.
It's going to be a good one. You might want to dry off.
Just a reminder. I gotta leave at six.
You got something to do?
No.
We should search his house.
Sgt. Rudner was there all day.
Came back empty. They got nothing.
- Not a stray hair, a fingerprint. - Have you seen this?
It's part of that environmental initiative "Let's go paperless".
It's 34 pages long!
I know she was in the house, I just can't prove it.
They must've printed 10,000 copies of this.
340,000 pages on the benefits are going paperless.
He bested me. He outsmarted me. He's going to walk.
You want some advice?
There's one thing every good detective knows.
What's that?
It's six o'clock.
I'll tell you tomorrow.
Burl?
You okay? What are you doing?
I'm just savoring the moment.
Live on tape from New York, it's Knight Time, with Richie Knight!
Tonight, Richie welcomes
Robert Downey Jr.,
with Irv Ferguson, and the mighty Midtown Quartet.
And now, the last best hope for mankind,
Richie Knight!
Thank you.
I'm not Richie Knight.
My name is Tony Caruso.
I'm a detective with All-City Homicide task force.
Mr. Knight can't be here tonight because he's backstage...
currently being arrested by other officers...
For homicide, and aggravated assault,
and tampering with evidence.
And he threw me in a swimming pool.
It was the shallow end, somebody could have gotten hurt.
This is not a joke.
If it were a joke, it would certainly be funnier than this.
Richie! Richie! Richie!
No, I got to say something.
You were really important to me when I was growing up.
I'm very disappointed in you.
I don't care.
- Well, you should. - Well, I don't.
Well, you should.
Congratulations, Lieutenant.
You just made the biggest mistake of your life.
But I know what this is all about. This is about a neurotic,
self-hating Lieutenant, who envies me...
and covets my life.
This isn't about me.
It's about justice for Beth Landau.
You know, it just occurred to me. I've never heard you say her name.
More importantly, this is about your garbage bag.
The one you threw away on Thursday.
There's no question it was your bag.
These are your bills, your junk mail. Fingerprints were all over it.
Wow. You caught me.
I disposed of some garbage.
Tell me.
Was there anything in that bag, anything at all
that connects me to Beth Landau?
No, sir.
Then what the hell are we doing here?
Richie, look at me. Hi.
These are Burly 42-gallon contractor bags.
The same brand your trash was in.
Last night, Sgt. Loomis had an idea.
Hello.
I'm a big fan.
Except for butchering that kid.
You know, it's true.
There was nothing incriminating in the bag.
But it occurred to Sgt. Loomis,
maybe we could connect the trash bag itself,
the one that was found at your house,
with the other trash bag, the trash bag that the killer used.
It was the exact same brand.
Burly 42-gallon.
So what?
They must sell a million of those a year.
- Thirty-five million, actually. - Here's where it gets interesting.
The two bags, yours and the one the killer used,
they came from the same roll.
- The same roll? - Sgt. Loomis?
Introduce him to your friend.
This is Alvin Roundie.
He's a distinguished professor of Environmental Studies
at Columbia University.
- Hi. - Hello.
This is how trash bags are manufactured.
I can't believe I'm watching this again.
And when the oil is added it creates dozens of rivulets.
So no two sheets are alike.
So two bags from the same roll...
would match up perfectly.
Like a jigsaw puzzle.
Or a fingerprint.
We checked this morning and bingo.
Mr. Knight
can you explain how the body of Elizabeth Landau
was found in a bag that came from your house?
Richie...
What should we do with the audience?
Just send them home.
Okay.
I don't like it.
I...
love it!
♪ After I'm gone ♪
♪ After we break up ♪
♪ After I'm gone, you're gonna wake up ♪
♪ You will find ♪
♪ You were blind ♪
♪ To let somebody come ♪
♪ And change your mind... ♪
Greg Kinnear.
♪... After the years we've been together ♪
♪ Through all the tears ♪
♪ All kinds of weather ♪
♪ Someday ♪
♪ When you feel lonely ♪
♪ Your heart will break like mine ♪
♪ And you'll want me only ♪
♪ After I'm gone ♪
♪ After I'm gone away! ♪
Yeah!
That's my old man. Isn't he great?
Hey, do "My Funny Valentine".
We don't do that anymore, Wisenheimer.