# Why's he looking so reluctant? Like he doesn't want the custom?
.
# One, two
# Ah, the day seems slow But the years go fast
# Could you please pour another drink in my glass?
# I think I need a drink tonight
# If only the landlord could fix it right
# Why's he looking so reluctant? Like he doesn't want the custom?
# Why do you run a pub then?
# I need time away but I never go far
# Best friends are these guys here propping up the bar
# Working for the family I love but the day's been long
# Could you please pour me another drink, Rom?
♪ If only the landlord could fix it right ♪
Kids, what do you know about this?
It's broken. Yes, it is, Charlie.
Do you know anything about it? No. Really?
Theresa? I don't even like pool.
You don't have to like pool to break a pool cue. You're a suspect.
What?
What are you talking about? Why are you wielding a pool cue?
I am wielding what used to be a pool cue because some idiot broke it.
Well, it wasn't any of us. Must have been an accident.
How do you accidentally break a pool cue?
Oh, I don't know. Maybe somebody leant on it and it snapped.
You can't break a pool cue by leaning on it.
Part of the game is leaning. Who do you think was playing? Jackie Chan?
I don't know who that is.
Jackie Chan.
Guys, you know who Jackie Chan is.
This family's unacceptable.
Right, I'm 90% sure it wasn't any of them. 90%?
But Theresa's got a shifty resting-face.
Well, just get a new one. These things happen.
That's the point. They don't. I've never heard of a pool cue being broken
outside of a Jackie Chan movie.
Jackie Chan?
Jesus Christ. Right, I'm getting CCTV for the pub.
We had CCTV before, your dad had it all taken out.
He said it was like Big Brother, and not in a good way,
in YOUR world sense.
He didn't have to deal with maniacs snapping cues, did he?
You're being very dramatic. We're not getting CCTV, it's a total vibe-killer.
I struggle enough keeping this place feeling sunny
with you scowling around like Christopher Eccleston that could piss off a nettle.
Right, fine. Fine, what?
We're not getting CCTV.
But I'm not buying another cue. They can play with one.
Maybe the act of sharing will help these nutcases be a little less aggressive.
Oh, yes, naughty, naughty man.
Oh, my God! Oh, er...hi. I... Sorry, I was just erm...
I'm sorry, shall I give you a minute? No, I wasn't...
I was just looking at stuff. It's fine.
You're free to look at whatever stuff you want.
That's why I do it in the bathroom, cos there's a lock.
Look, just shut the door, come over here, all right?
OK, now, first of all,
I'm only doing this for my own personal use. OK?
I really hope you weren't wanking to this.
I wasn't wanking, OK, just look.
Look at this cheeky, little bastard.
It's no wonder we're always losing money.
He's breaking the law. Hmm, well, technically,
I think you might be breaking the law as well.
What law? Have you heard of privacy laws?
That's not real. That's more frowned upon, isn't it?
I mean, it's not an actual law like,
"Don't drink and drive" or "Drink responsibly".
You're doing public safety warnings.
Whatever. We don't all have fancy lawyer degrees.
Law degrees. Oh, I'm sorry, Your Honour.
What I need you to do is count the number of times
that Uncle Lemon tops up his beer from the tap, OK?
There, see? How is this a fun game?
Because it's like spying, isn't it?
It's like James Bond. Charlie's having fun, aren't you?
Will Uncle Lemon go to prison?
No, but your dad is gonna make him pay.
That sounded more threatening that I meant it to.
I'm not doing it. I'm not a tell-tale.
The correct word is snitch. If you're gonna act big,
at least use the right vocabulary.
So, yeah. It's a natural workout...
lifting barrels all day.
That's why I've got width on the shoulders. OK, great.
Do you go to the gym? You look like you work out.
(SCOFFS) I can barely work out what I'm doing most days.
(CHUCKLES) That's funny. I like comedy too, so, you know...
Is that it? Can I sign something? Oh, yep. Got this.
Here you go. Give me your number as well, if you want?
Just a signature then. So, where do I...
I'm not letting you sign it till you give me your number.
OK, I tell you what. I'll take the delivery
and when your boss asks where the signature is,
you can explain you got creepy and Julie told you to fuck right off.
Maybe next time.
You have no idea that this has gone badly, do you?
I like you. You're funny.
Why is that funny? (CHUCKLES) "Gone badly".
Be seeing you. No, you won't. Yeah, I will.
(INDISTINCT) Do women get done for GBH as often as men,
cos I feel if it was a woman against a man she'd get away with it.
I don't know the stats. Why? Who's pissed you off?
Delivery guy with the shit hair. Don't worry about him.
I reckon you can slap him about and nobody would care.
How are you getting on with your pint over there, mate?
Looks like you could do with a top-up.
Nah, I'm good. Still got some left.
You sure? Cos I could always pour you a nice, fresh,
new pint for when you're finish that one.
Nah, I'm fine.
Daddy, come look at this. We found something.
(SOFTLY) Let's not shout in front of everyone in the pub, OK?
Kids, I'll help with your homework soon.
(SOFTY) Right, meet me upstairs, keep it quiet, OK?
Wow, drinking slowly today.
Yes, I had a big lunch.
Did you?
What a prick.
This better be good.
We were fast-forwarding through the night stuff, and then we saw this.
Is it Grandad? What? No, it's nothing. It's a shadow.
I've seen stuff like this on YouTube. It's definitely a ghost.
It's not definitely a ghost. If Grandad was a ghost,
do you think he'd be hanging around the pub?
He'd be on a beach or something.
What if he couldn't get on the plane cos he's a ghost,
and he just went through it? He could just fly or teleport.
Ghosts don't teleport. That's aliens.
You're talking rubbish, Theresa.
Maybe he's not happy with the way the pub's being run?
So, he's come back to break some pool cues and be a shadow?
Why are you adding to this? Stop scaring each other.
It's not a ghost, it's just a trick of the light.
Right, keep an eye on Lemon tonight, yeah?
Cos I think he's been topping-up his pints.
How do you know? Well, I... I've just got a hunch.
I'm sorry, I thought it was just bad posture.
Oh, very good. And by "very good" I mean shit.
JAYANTHI: Romesh! Oh, for fuck's sake.
Where is it? I want to see it. Quiet, quiet.
Keep it down. I don't want my customers to find out and start freaking out like you.
I have a reason to freak out. My dead husband has returned.
He hasn't retu... There isn't a ghost, OK?
How do you even know about this? I think he's telling me something.
What could he possibly have to tell you? You were together every day for 35 years.
What is there left to say?
Oh, my God, are you looking for Dad? Oh, I think Dad's there.
Oh, shut up, you!
Good night. Cheers.
(SIGHS)
Oh, God, I am so drunk.
Which is insane cos you only had, like, literally, three pints.
Yeah, I know, erm...
but, er...I haven't had any lunch,
so I've got nothing to soak it up with.
I thought you said you had a big lunch?
Yeah, I did. I meant big lunch, but...
I haven't had any dinner.
What did you have for this big lunch? What was it?
Oh, I...I had erm...a roast.
Where from? Erm...I made it.
You got up this morning and made yourself a full roast dinner?
Yep. Look, I know what you've been doing, OK? I know you've been stealing while nobody's looking.
I'm sorry, I though that if I only took, like, a few packets of crisps
that you wouldn't really mind.
You've been stealing crisps as well?
I was talking about topping-up the pints.
(STAMMERING) Oh, yeah, I mean, I have been doing that as well.
What the fuck, mate? No, but listen,
I always make sure it's under the quota allowed by the brewery for spillage.
You can spill a quarter of a barrel without anyone getting suspicious.
It is what is known as accounting for head.
So, in a way, what you could say
is that I have been giving myself head.
I'm skimming a quarter too, dickhead, so that makes half.
If you say so. No, I don't say so.
Maths says so. Right, well.
Now that you've caught me, I'll stop doing it.
That's very noble of you. I'm already in deep shit with the brewery.
I know them. I can put in a good word for you.
By "know them" do you mean that you work for them
as a mystery shopper and reported me?
(SLURRING) Which means that they trust me.
Yeah? I'm playing the long-game here, Rom.
Right, OK, well, why don't you tell them I'm, like, erm...
..capable and er...I dunno, strong?
I have always thought of you as strong.
Don't do it tonight cos they'll think I got you drunk and put you up to it.
Oh, taking advantage of me when I'm all drunk and vulnerable.
Don't do that. Oh, no. I'm sorry.
Let's go.
I could help. No, I'm all good, thank you. I could help. All good, all good.
Let me... Can I have some crisps? Nope, good night.
Prick.
(FLOOR CREAKING)
(THUMPING)
Natasha? What? I think something's actually happening. What is it?
Are you trying to have sex with me?
What if you were right? Oh, my God.
What if it's the shadow from downstairs?
Please don't hurt us. (PANTING)
(EXHALES)
Oh, look, it's our son. Thanks for being brave anyway.
Oh, Charlie. I thought there was a ghost in my room.
There's no such thing as ghosts. Come on. (GIGGLES)
Will you stay with me until I fall asleep?
Of course, I will, mate, all right.
(MAN CHANTING)
Ah, good, you're up. We need your father's room
for the offering ceremony.
Er...what are you doing?
I've organised for a monk to cleanse the pub.
Wicked. Tell him the men's toilets look rank.
Oh, shut up and let him do his job. (SIGHS)
I don't want your father trapped here watching you ruin his pub.
Where did you find a Sri Lankan monk?
I know how to use GoogleSearch.com.
OK, Mum, it's just Google, yeah? And how has this guy got a website?
It's a very good website. Is it ICanHelpWithYourTamilGhost.com?
What is he doing to my studio? He's getting rid of negative energy.
There's no negative energy apart from all that weird crap he's doing.
Go away. You're disturbing him. I'm disturbing him?
There's a man wearing a toga chanting in the living room.
He's creepier than the bloody ghost.
# KANYE WEST: Good Morning
# Good morning
♪ Good morning ♪
They've given us the wrong juice order.
Absolute pricks. No, it's all right, I'll sort it.
No, this, it's from the brewery. They say they're not renewing our contract.
Can they even do that?
Well, they certainly say that they can do that.
Why are you so calm? You realise you're out of a job.
I can always get another one.
I can get another one, but it's hassle, isn't it?
You don't even like this job much.
I like it more than looking for another one. And telling Natasha we've got to move.
We can't have this. How can we have
"failed the terms of our probationary period?"
I'm not doing that bad a job, am I?
I'm pretty good at staying on top of things.
I've been pretty capable, haven't I?
And strong.
Strong? But, I mean, I've been doing all right recently.
Yeah, apart from the fine and the secret CCTV, yeah, you have.
What? I know about your hidden cameras.
You do know that's illegal, don't you?
You sound like Natasha. Fine, apart from the invasion of privacy
and sometimes that half the barrels are unaccounted for,
I've been professional at making sure this place is run properly.
(MONK CHANTING)
Well, show us a sign if you're here.
(BEEPING)
Right, can we keep the burning of things to a minimum, please?
So, are you gonna send someone today? All right, perfect.
(GRUMBLES) You all right?
I just can't be bothered with that delivery guy.
He just doesn't take no for answer.
Why would you say "no"? You're single, aren't you?
Just because I'm single doesn't mean I should be grateful for any scrap of male attention.
I take it where I can get it.
Beggars can't be choosers. She's not a beggar, Lem.
Thank you, Lee. No worries.
You know, let me know if he does try anything,
cos I'll be here, so don't worry.
I'll get rid of him. What are you gonna do? Tell him a story?
I'll do whatever's necessary.
You can't have people harassing the bar staff.
(MONK CHANTING)
Erm...just checking he's finished cleansing the downstairs area.
You can ask him when he comes out of his trance.
It's always good to keep your downstairs area cleansed.
Got to give the downstairs a good seeing to. (CHUCKLES)
Whiskey!
Why does he want that? These are all the things your dad loved.
Are we doing him a goodie bag to take?
Rom! What? If he's actually here, then he knows I'm joking.
(EXCLAIMS IN TRANCE)
Er...what are they for? They were his favourites.
Why are they so big?
I didn't like him stretching mine, so he got his own.
What the fuck are you talking about? Wow.
Yes, your father had a pair of high heels.
This is your unfinished business, isn't it? Your secret?
You wanted everyone to know. I'm not sure he definitely would.
Hold on. Is this a joke? Why would Dad wear high heels?
He said they made him taller, and he felt more powerful and sexy.
They're very good for the calves, too. Yes, very good for the calves.
I could've happily died not knowing this information.
CHARLIE: Dad? Hello, mate, you all right?
Me and Theresa broke the pool cue.
I'm sorry, Grandad. I hope you're not angry.
Oh, believe me, Charlie, Grandad's ghost is very angry.
Lemon, what the fuck did you say to the brewery?
They've dropped me. We might have to move out.
I haven't said anything. I don't even have any contacts there.
You were supposed to be speaking to somebody.
I just wanted to make it so that you weren't angry at me.
It is lucky for you that my dad has been exorcised from this place,
otherwise he'd be pissed off with you as well.
Oh, God. Is he the exorcist?
Why is he dressed like the tambourine guys from Oxford Street?
Sorry, are you taking that whiskey? Is that part of the ceremony? Bye-bye.
Feel free to take the high heels as well, mate. No?
Unbelievable. Was someone possessed by your dad?
What? No, they thought they saw a ghost on the CCTV.
You've got CCTV?
Well... Yeah, I mean, it's hidden camera, technically.
Your dad hated CCTV. Maybe that's why he's come back.
He's not come back. It was a shadow. I've seen ones like that on YouTube.
That doesn't legitimise it. I've seen dogs on water-skis on YouTube, that doesn't make it real.
That is 100% real. The dog's called Hailey. I've watched that a lot.
That is real. Oh, shut up, Lemon.
It's real.
Erm...well, thank you very much for sorting it out.
I really appreciate that. No problem, just doing my job.
Well, erm...you are doing it very well. (GIGGLES)
If you could just sign there, that would be perfect.
Yeah, sorry, of course.
Wow, this is such a great pen. Here you go.
That's me, Julie.
Me. Julie.
You Tarzan, and me Julie. (GIGGLES)
So, erm...do you have many other jobs on this afternoon?
Yeah, a couple more. Cool, cool, cool.
Er...would you like to have a quick drink? Cos you look like you've been working hard.
I should get on, but I'll catch you later.
Bit predatory, mate.
What? Saying you're gonna catch her later.
Is that what turns you on? Thrill of the chase?
What? Lee, don't.
It's all right, Julie. I've got this.
Why don't you take your sexist attitude...
..and take it somewhere else.
Is he all right? No, there's - It's all right, Julie.
He was just leaving, weren't you, mate?
Yeah, I was.
Yeah, you were.
(SIGHS) Just so you know - Just don't mention it.
That actually wasn't the delivery guy from yesterday.
Oh? Hmm, actually liked that one.
Nah, not good enough for you.
No?
Well, I guess we'll never know.
Thanks for looking out for me. No problem.
You always look out for us. Well, I serve you beer.
Yeah, but, you know, no-one else does that for us.
Romesh?
But that's not the same.
Top-up? It's on me.
I know this underlines the idea that I'm not fit to run this place,
but I wasn't even aware there was a probationary period.
I'll look into it. Maybe there's something in the contracts.
I mean, it will be fine, won't it?
Everything's fine.
Tell you what, you could give them a ring tomorrow
before you start happily resigning yourself
to sitting around all day making hip-hop music.
You've worked really hard on this place, Rom.
I already called them. What did they say?
Mostly stuff along the lines of "Please, could you calm down?"
Oh, went badly, did it?
I thought I made valid, coherent points,
but they didn't seem inclined to change their decision.
I'll have a look into our rights. They can't do this to us.
I did say they'd be hearing from my lawyer, so they're expecting a call.
When you say "lawyer"... Yes, I meant you.
Right, T and C, it's bedtime.
Dad, is Grandad gone now?
Yes, the ridiculous monk man helped him go on to heaven.
So, he's not a ghost any more. No.
So, if we look at the videos, we won't find any ghosts?
Well, you can't, cos I'm gonna take the cameras away.
It's what Grandad would have wanted.
And also, if I return them within 30 days, I get a full refund.
OK, bedtime.
By the way, how did you actually break the pool cue?
We put it across two chairs and sat on it.
Wow, even Jackie Chan would be impressed.
I'm very proud of you. All right, cool, let's go. Bedtime, Theresa.
(SIGHS) OK, you win. I'll take down the CCTV.
It was a pain in the arse anyway.
And I'm...
I'm sorry about the pub. I've tried my hardest.
I mean, maybe not my hardest, but I've definitely put more effort
into this than anything else I've ever done.
I'm sorry if I've let you down.
To be fair, you did wear high heels.
# MAJOR LANCE: Ain't No Soul (In These Old Shoes)
# Ain't no soul left in those heels since you been gone
# Baby
# We ain't together so wash out the leather
# And put them on
# Baby
# Though I still feel the rhythm
# Can't do no dancing without
♪ There ain't no soul No soul, baby ♪