This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
Where's the girl? I don't know what you're talking about!
We found her shoe up your chimney
and there's a lock of her hair in your top pocket.
I've never seen this before! Oh, please, make this stop...
Not even started, chief. I'll hollow you out like a fucking Toby jug!
Where's the girl? All right, I'll say anything!
Please stop...
And that's just one of the things policemen do all day.
Thank you very much, Mr Milson, for helping us.
Now, who wants to see how we fish opium out of sailors' arseholes?
London fog! Tuppence a jar!
HE BELCHES
Horrible murders! Fucking pictures and everything!
Oi. They're a penny each, you thieving...
God bless you, sir.
ECHOING VOICES
Phew! Whatever is that smell?
On the happy sauce already, Rabbit?
Trying to stop the voices in your head?
(FALSETTO) "I'm the old lady they found in three suitcases,
"why didn't you save me, Rabbit?"
"I'm the flower girl what got dismembered in the alleyway..."
Rabbit! My office, now!
Tanner, your mates reckon that hat makes you look like an arsehole.
I reckon it suits ya.
What did you say? You heard.
What the cockerdick goes through your head?
What happened? What? Shut your pipe!
You put a teacher in hospital, ya div!
This came today. Know what it is?
I don't know. A letter?
"Dear Inspector Rabbit, your visit yesterday really inspired me."
"When I grow up, I want to kick wrong'uns in the bollocks
"then string the wankers up. Signed Lily, aged nine."
Nine! Just, er, "working together for a safer city".
You've made me look a proper tit! Remember who wipes your arse!
In you come, lad.
Who the fuck is that?
I need you to play the game, Rabbit, so you're getting a partner.
Sergeant Wilbur Strauss. Delighted to meet you. I bet you are, boy.
I don't want a partner. He's from Cambridge.
Top of his year in criminology. Full disclosure — I also came bottom.
It's a brand—new course and I was the only one in the class!
You've got something on your shirt.
He even fell for that. Stick to this boy like shit to a blanket
or you're out on the cobbles.
Father, you forgot your sandwiches and, er, did I get the job?
Mabel, darling, a woman can't be police. When you adopted me,
you said you wanted the best for me. I was mainly talking about hats.
If a woman can be a nurse or a novelist,
why can't she find the stolen jewels or drown a nonce
because a trial's too good for him? Because it's never been done.
And for other socio—economic reasons.
The only opportunity for a woman in this field is strangled girl in fog.
I'm aiming higher. I'm going to be the first female copper.
Or fopper. Or lady filth or...
Bacon dolly. Femi—cod? Shut your holes!
We've not been introduced. I'm Strauss.
Fuck off. Watch your sauce—box, madam.
Now, be off with you.
Kids today! Aye.
And this one's yours. Now, skedaddle.
This is exciting. I'd only ever read about the East End in pamphlets —
"gateway to Sodom."
Ooh, a pub.
Is this our first case — the case of the pub?
Back already, Rabbit? What you having? Gin's literally blinding,
take it with a mixer. I'll have a whisky, Gwen. And your fancy pal?
He'll have the same. Why's a sewing maching hanging from your roof?
It's a pushbike, you mutton—button.
It's a talking point, makes the place nice. I bet it does, girl.
I have to say, Mr Rabbit, I'm having the most tremendous time.
You ain't cut out for this. I'd quit while you can.
Quit? You and I are working together for a safer city.
This city is a rat eating its own babies.
Babies made of shit.
And whilst it's eating its own shit babies,
it shits them out again and then it noshes 'em.
And that goes on and on
until the sun turns cold and the sea goes back up into the sky.
How come you've only got one eyebrow?
The dog chewed it off last year.
DOOR OPENS Murder! Horrible murder!
Good.
Get out the way, for health reasons.
By that I mean if you don't, I'll kill ya.
So sorry.
What's going on, fish—face?
Found her in the river. She drowned.
Not before someone shot her.
She's very beautiful. You can't say that when the bird's brown bread.
Excuse me, please. OK, what have we got?
None of your biz. Just some old docker bloke.
It's another young woman. Can't you Cockneys be a bit more original?
Stand aside, underclass wretches! Tanner of the yard is here.
Bugger off, Tanner. I've got this.
Like all those other cases he failed to solve, ladies and gentlemen,
because he was so tit—ripped on booze.
LAUGHTER
He couldn't tell his arse from a hole in the ground.
Better leave this to the real police.
All gathered here, pray silence
that I may solve... this mystery.
annaahh!
Fuck's sake. Seconded.
HE CHOKES
HE HISSES
That's it. The victim wore blues gloves.
That man... over there
has a blue hat.
Blue and blue.
The connection's clear.
You, sir,... are the murderer.
CROWD GASPS Hang on!
No! Wait!
They won't fall for that. Londoners are famous for their savvy.
Three cheers for Inspector Tanner! Hip, hip... Hooray!
Hlp, hip... Hooray!
Don't touch me.
My hands are tied. "Killer in blue caught by boys in the above."
The papers love it. But the wrong man's going to swing, sir!
Give me two days, I'll bring him in by his ballsack. The case is solved.
So drop it. And remember who wipes your arse.
Does he actually? No, I think it's a Northern expression.
Can you stop saying it? I'll say what I bloody like!
Now, move!
Good day, officer.
Sir Giles Linley, standing for re—election as your MP.
You've caught an ugly brute there. Where can I find your inspector?
I'm donating books to the inmates. Improves them.
What do you think for this repulsive savage?
I've got Amputation, The Cure For Masturbation
or Do Irishmen Have Souls?
The twist is they do.
He's... Illiterate? Not surprised. He probably eats with his feet.
What happened to his eyebrow? His dog chewed it off. Is that right?
Look at his criminal bone structure.
A vortex of lust and rage which, judging by the look on his face,
has damaged his brain, rendering him mute. What's he called?
I'm called Detective Inspector Rabbit.
We... We thank you for your service.
(WHISPERS) What are we doing?
If anyone asks, we're in our beds. Which one's the beautiful maiden?
You can't say shit like that about dead birds. But she's adorable.
She WAS adorable. I won't fucking tell you again.
Here we go.
Give me a hand.
Good lord, I can see her mcfuffies. Do excuse me, madam.
We've revealed her lady pantry.
Help me turn her over. Mm?
Her dumplings. I feel the devil has entered my breeches!
A second bullet hole. That's odd.
GLASS SMASH ES
Whoever you are, step out now
or I'll smack your head so hard, they'll find it on the fucking moon!
The moon!
Uhh... Mabel, what you doing?
I'm solving this crime. Unlike you, I won't spunk it up a wall.
You have an awfully fruity mouth. I'm not the one with an erection.
They shot her twice. I said that. Checked her clothes? In my own time.
Sorry, love.
I know what that is. One of those round things for her toilet money.
A compact for make—up. A compact for make—up.
This symbol could be a clue. I doubt it. Don't mind me having it, then.
That's mine. It's evidence, now bugger off. I'm buggering nowhere.
What time's that library open, boy? Let's find out about that symbol.
If anyone's going, it's me. Just you try.
Just you try and stop me.
We didn't stop her. I know. I was mugging her off.
Of course you were! We, my boy, are off to the slums.
The what? That rancid shit—pit syphilitic crap hole
known as a—Lime—a—house. Fantastic.
Lungs! Buy a lung!
This place is extraordinary.
Does it always smell like this?
Ooh, I'll have a garden salad. No, no, it's a treat day.
I'll have jam squares. Absolutely, Mr Merrick, I'll get some pronto.
Stare all you like, it'll cost you. Merrick don't freak for free.
Sorry... Joe, can you take a shufti at something? He saved my life once.
I was set upon and nearly killed by a cruel and vicious mob.
Afterwards I said to him "Rabbit, if ever you need any help,
"come and see the elephant." But he's been pushing it, haven't you?
Nonsense. He loves it. I've travelled the world, young man.
Five stars!... in the New York Times.
"If you see one hideous deformity this year..."
You've clearly done very well on it. Good living suits you, sir.
What do you make of this? It's a compact. Oh, I know, duckie.
Solid silver, worth a pretty penny. What about the symbol?
Jam squares, Mr Merrick. Oh, thank you!
Blackcurrant? What the hell have you done?
I'm terribly sorry, boys. That's quite all right. We've eaten.
Your young freaks, they don't think they have to put in the graft.
Well, you do!
Mmm. I don't know what this is.
But, er,... yes, this is theatrical!
HE SNIFFS
There's only one outfit in town uses make—up this cheap.
Go here.
And Rabbit, my debt's paid.
Your debt's paid when I say it's paid.
The sooner you get that into your massive head, the better.
I wouldn't mock your appearance, but your head is fucking massive.
HE LAUGHS
He doesn't mind.
Ahh. I know this gaff. It's one of them peepholes.
Beg pardon? A peephole. A tom shop. Knock, knock, hide your cock.
Somewhere you go to see some jack and danny and maybe a broom handle.
It all sounds very creative... An erotic cabaret. Oh, I see.
Total filth. Shall we just go in and arrest everyone straight away?
We could do. Or we could watch the whole show first. For clues.
Now you're talking my language. Hu—hurr!
Do you like it? Oh, yeah. That is so good.
Would you like to see my other ankle?
WOLF WHISTLE
Oh, yeah. That is good.
Do you like it? I do like it, it's so good.
Do you want to see the first ankle again?
Thruppence for this knob—whack?
It's usually much better than this. What do you mean?
Well, they get in the raw. The what? HE BELCHES
I'm going to jump up. Do what I say.
One — expect very bad word of mouth.
Two — we're the Met and you're fucking nicked.
Nobody move unless you're putting your Hamptons away.
SHE SPEAKS FRENCH Put that away, me old mate.
Stop! Sit down.
What's your name? Claudette Giscard—Estan—Pamplemousse—Alouette.
Bloody Nora. I'lljust call you French Lady.
Who is this? Edith Spate. We haven't seen her for a week.
I have seen her. Thank God!
She's dead. Ohh!
I probably should've started with that. I can't believe she's gone!
She could do anything —
bored housewife, naughty housewife —
limitless range.
Right. Tell me, who would want Edith out of the picture?
All she had was admirers.
Son mari ici ce soir.
Does that mean they're here this evening?
All right, Baz.
Course it is. Oi, I told you to put that away.
Hold your horses.
Murder! Horrible murder!
Get out the way. So sorry.
You!
Oi!
Stay where you are! Ahhh!
Come on! Come on, sir!
Hurr!
Inspector? I need you to punch me in the chest, boy.
Punch you? Me jam tart's stopped.
Come on, you wally!
Urghh!
Yeah, it's going again.
Get him! Hold still, you bastard.
You're going to pull through. He's dead.
I'm sorry if I misled you.
Whoever did this ain't got far.
French Lady!
We can't arrest you if you keep running!
Well? We've got a suspect.
Name. French Lady. She's in the same show as Edith.
French gets jealous so she kills her and offs the vicar because he knows.
One thing doesn't add up.
What?
You, you leg of fuckwit ham! I told you to leave it!
She'll kill again, Wisbech! She's got the taste! The taste!
Them upstairs want to let this lie.
If you want me to stop, fire me.
Rabbit, I've wiped your arse for long enough.
But no matter how many times I wipe, you can't keep a clean crack!
Can you please stop saying that?
You leave me with no choice. You've nowhere left to run,...
..Rabbit. Well, don't fire Strauss. He tried to stop me.
I did not, I supported you at every turn! Tit...
Oh, tit. Rabbit, you are fired from the Met.
Strauss, you are demoted to missing cats.
Give me your guns.
And the rest.
Bloody Nora.
Inspector! Inspector, don't go! I've got so much to learn from you.
I've got nothing to offer you, boy, but pain and poison.
He'll have drunk himself to death by midnight
and there's nothing a stray pube like you can do about it.
Why don't you go back to your mummy, little boy?
Because you're well out of your league here.
HE BELCHES
Gwen—ahh!
You've had enough whisky, Rabbit.
Have a rum to take the edge off.
Oi, eyebrow!
You think I'm funny, do ya?
Well, how funny am I now?
Hohh!
Urgh!
Uhh!
Ohh!
Oi, that's mine, you cheeky...
CHURCH BELL CHIMES
All right, girl. Keep still.
Last time I'm patching you up.
Marry me. Ooh!
Stop it! I say.
All right, boy. Come and have a drink.
There's no time, sir. I swiped your weapons from the station.
And some extra ones. Bloody hell. You've gone rogue.
You may look like a ghosty's dolly, but you're a good boy.
This is big. Bigger than all of us.
I am not exaggerating when I say I have blown the lid off all crime.
At the library? Look, I took this book from the reference section.
You stole it? From the reference section?
Sometimes coppers break the rules. The symbol is hundreds of years old.
I think it's the sign of a criminal society so secret
nobody knows its name. Good effort. But bullshit.
We deduced it was the French Lady that did it.
Looks like women can be killers. It wasn't her! She's got the taste!
We need to find her before she kills again.
Or performs any more piss—poor erotica. Both unforgivable.
I care about people. Especially the hard—working ones.
I would like nothing more... Oh, not him again.
Out the way, we've got a murderer to catch. ..fairer for everyone.
Next prime minister, they say. Gawd help us.
I will improve the lot of every man here.
And if there's time, I'll improve the lot of some of the women.
He—he—he...
Inspector. I fear I made quite a fool of myself yesterday.
What say we shake hands and forget all about it?
SHE MOUTHS
What's up with ya? SHE MOUTHS
Are you mouthing the word "symbol"?
What does she mean? No, no. No...
Why are you mouthing the word "symbol"?
Ahh! That's the same symbol that's on that compact! Yes!
Aha—ha! What's your game, Gunga Din?
That's just the old family crest. Sorry, I feel the call of nature.
Need the toilet? Indeed. Sir Giles Linley, you've got the right to...
a bunch of... Anyway, do you want nick him? Can I?
If you'd like to turn around while I...
Ohh! After him!
Whoa, whoa!
Gone again! We need transportation. Can you start his jam tart?
Come on! Now, girl.
Read y? Ughh!
Oi! What the bleeding 'ell do you think you're doing?!
Commandeering your talking point.
Whoa! Where do I sit?
How does it work? I think it's to do with the foot pistons. What?
He's heading to the docks! Come on, boy, to the docks!
Fucking thing doesn't work! Jesus! Come on!
Fucking skirts!
Sir Giles, we can't arrest you if you keep running!
Show yourself, Linley, or make a noise by mistake. I've found him.
Drop it.
I want passage to South America. Don't be a fool, Linley.
Come on, Linley, don't be a cunt.
From a lady! Language! Watch your gob!
I didn't want to kill Edith.
'I fell in love with her at the cabaret. Gave her love tokens.'
She could do anything —
bored housewife, naughty housewife...
I proposed. But so did the vicar.
HE MOUTHS 'We fought a duel for her hand.'
'She tried to stop us...'
Bloody men...
We threw the body in the Thames,
but I couldn't trust the vicar to keep his mouth shut.
It's over, Linley. She's right.
I will not be arrested by a woman. I'm arresting ya!
And I won't tell you again, you posh cock — drop it! And if I don't?
GUNSHOT Oh, God!
Skull of an ugly brute, eh?
Well, how's that, ya bastard? You took a bullet for me, boy.
Any time. Working together for a... safer city.
Who are the society? Tell us. There's no such thing.
No!
GUN CLICKS Oh...
Out of bullets. That's embarrassing. It's all right. Try mine.
Thank you.
GUNSHOT
'kin 'ell.
Yeah, yeah, that's exactly where I wanted it.
Claudette wanted to warn us about Linley,
but when she saw the dead vicar, she panicked. Very good, Strauss.
I'm getting out my loose—ends book.
I'm writing "Tied up." And as I helped solve it,
I assume I get to be the first official fopper. Filly—fuzz.
Bobby—dolly. No, sweetness, you know I'd do anything for you,
anything. But it's never going to happen.
What about that secret society?
Total bollocks. Absolute bullshit.
Can I just say I've had the most incredible time.
Good boy.
Come on, then, Mabel. You may not be a fopper yet,
but I'll let you walk down the street with us. Wow. Amazing reward.
I know. But I go in the middle.
Mud! Shit and mud!
Mud and shit for a penny!
I see them.
Good.
Have them followed
I see them.