Like I said, this is not a spa, it's a rehab facility.
What were you doing in Green Park in the night?
- Ow! - I'll unmatch you on Find My Phone
if you don't stop stalking me, you're like a creepy uncle!
'Archway Psychotherapy.'
I just shoplifted a smoothie, so I'm feeling a bit...
Actually, can I speak to Helen about this, rather than you?
- What are you doing? - Just be here! Be here!
- She's with her friends, she's making friends. - I AM here!
I don't wanna bore you with my personal life.
Please! I spend most of the day on my own, eating noodles!
Yeah? Is that your cat's name?
I'm trying to fucking respect you here, you mug!
Could you not have respected me after we had sex?
- Oh, hi! - Morning.
- Oh, hello! - Hello! - Two for the price of one this morning, was it?
You should join us, save us all on water.
Ah, no, I'd demand a rent discount
for the sort of work I put in, Emma.
At school I was a very fast and...
soup eater, so you'd both have a very good time.
Well, erm, might just, erm...
Slip in like a little bit of soap.
Oh, it's steamy, guys!
Mentaler.
Actually, babes, just don't say "mentaler".
Because my dad was mental, so it's a bit offensive.
Sorry.
- Hiya, Pat. - I have to walk to the doctor's now.
They had me on hold then just... hung up.
Oh, right, God love you, yeah.
And I found this on my chest.
Oh, God, that's a rash, Pat.
- Looks like a bit of eczema, or something. - Yeah.
Me with diabetes,
and you know, the asthma, from the...
Yeah, I know, you told me,
but you shouldn't buy cigarettes on the street.
- Never ask directions. - No.
Irish...
Now all I have is memories.
Well, give you a rash too, I suppose.
Asylum seekers. Ruin, now.
We're all immigrants, Pat, why did your mother move over here?
Ah, she was having a terrible time.
Unmarried.
Pregnant.
- I tried to kill her. - Well, there you have it.
Plus, she was white, so she fit in.
Fuck me, right, bye, Pat, good luck with your rash!
Lovely, here we go, OK.
So, welcome to the cafe.
Or as we say in English...
- Cafe. - Cafe, Exactly.
Can I have... a can of Coke...
- Mm-hm. - .. and chips, please.
Yeah, I mean, we're more of an upmarket cafe,
but yeah, go on, grand, there are some chips for you.
And also, it's "may", not "can".
Uh... May of Coke?
What?
Oh, no, no.
It's "may I have a can of Coke", not "can I have a may of Coke?"
Ah, may! Ha, May, yeah.
Theresa May!
Theresa May. We definitely don't sell her at the cafe.
And that is £30, please!
Lovely.
Right, who's next?
Victor. Come on.
What can I get you?
A vodka Coke.
Who would sell this at a cafe, Victor?
No, it's "May I have vodka and Coke, please?"
Right, so I'm the teacher here.
Thank you very much.
So, may I have...
May I have...
Vodka and Coke.
A vodka and Coke.
And...
- Please. - Please. Yes.
Very good. Thank you.
That'll be £40, please.
London prices.
Thank you. I'm making it rain here!
Fantastic.
- You rang, your highness? - Thank you, you may sit.
So. What's the craic, as you say?
Ho ho! Your Jamaican accent's coming along well.
That doesn't work, actually, I'm Jamaican.
Well... Ja-making me crazy with your terrible Irish accent.
Seriously, though.
One of the guys has pulled out of a job with this French kid.
- Do you speak French? - Oui, monsieur. Je parle plus q'un peu.
Is that a yes? I don't speak French.
Don't be... croissant with me for making you feel inferior.
No wonder you're single.
Wow. Zing.
No, no, I'm sorry...
- Yeah. - It was... banter?
No, no, no. It's fine. It's fine.
Yeah, what were you saying?
Yeah, no, so... I'd love you to do it,
um, but...
- Mm-hm? - Do you think you could call round for a quick hello now?
- Now?! - Yeah, the father wants to meet you first.
So you'd be starting tomorrow,
but it would be some nice dollar.
Um... I mean, yeah.
Sterling would be nicer. But, er...
- Yeah, yeah, of course I'll do it. - Perfect.
- Yeah, that's... grand. - Address on the top.
Genuinely, thanks, I need the work.
- So... - Aine.
Um... I'm sorry about that joke.
Oh, no, God, no, don't be silly!
Don't be silly, just banter between mates.
I have no soul, James, you know that.
- But I will be reporting you to Ofsted. - No, please don't.
- Hi. - Hi.
Oh, hi. I'm Aine.
Right, yeah.
Richard. Come on in.
Oh, you're English.
Uh, yeah.
So?
Well, I just thought you might be French.
No. No.
No, I'm not French.
Well, let me know if you change your mind!
It's actually my...
my...
well, son, I suppose, yeah.
Yeah, son, that... who needs tutoring.
Oh, right, so you don't need help with your English, then?
That is what we call in the tutoring business... a joke.
Right. Yeah. Um...
- He's 12. - Mm-hm. - He's just moved here from France.
I think his English is...
is probably better than he lets on.
God, he sounds shifty.
Yeah, that's about it, really.
Uh, he has brown hair.
Then I am outta here!
- Another one of your jokes? - It was, yeah.
Oh, and, er, his mother died recently.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
Oh, it's OK.
- I actually didn't know her that well. - Yeah, but, like...
for Etienne.
- Yeah. - Wow. God.
That's...
And so you didn't know her?
No, not really, uh...
No, we used to see each other once a year.
And now he lives with you?
I'm, I'm his legal guardian.
His father?
Yup, yup.
- That too. - Mm...
God, there's such different consequences having sex
when you've got a penis compared to a vagina.
I could have kept that one in my mouth, actually.
Instead of letting it come out.
Uh, he's, uh, waiting upstairs.
If you, uh...
.. if you want to go up.
- Maybe... now? - Oh, yeah.
Hello, Etienne!
I'm Aine, the English tutor.
Bonjour.
Oh -- no. Nous allons commencer maintenant.
Let's, er, let's start now.
Hello.
- Hello. - You're a genius already!
I can't believe it!
What are you playing?
Mario Party.
My favourite kind of party.
I used to know those guys back in the day. Before they got famous.
Erm...
How long have you lived here for?
Un mois.
Ah... English?
- Months. - Ah, one month, yeah.
Did your dad, eh...
Erm... Sorry, do you say "Dad", or do you say, "Papa"?
- What does he do? - He's selling books.
And he gives me this.
Ooh, God.
He's a bit, eh, he's a little bit like...
"Hullo, hullo", isn't he?
Yeah, he's quite.
Yeah.
- Do you have friends here? Les amis? - Non.
Well, you have one now.
Me. I mean me, yeah.
I mean, if you want to be my friend, that is.
- Non. - No, you don't?
Oh, my God! That's...
I mean... That's awful!
Joking!
You were joking? Well, you absolutely had me.
You big old joker.
So can we officially be friends, please?
- OK. - Yeah?
Amazing.
Vous aimez jouer avec moi?
All the French has completely gone out of my head, Etienne.
You want to play with me?
I has another...
Oh, well, not now.
But, if your dad doesn't hate me,
and there's a strong chance that he might,
I'll come back again,
probably tomorrow, maybe?
You won't come back.
Now. Etienne, excusez-moi.
I will come back and I will tell you why.
I am actually a champion...
tiny Italian plumber's party... player.
And I bet you five...
cinq... pounds...
And I promise you that I'm going to come back tomorrow
and beat you at the game.
What?! Yes.
- OK. - Yeah? - Five pounds. - Five pounds.
It's a promise.
- Right. - Yes. - So...
er, tomorrow at five?
Yes, yes, for more of our hilarious, quick-witted banter.
Erm... So, when you guys are hanging out...
Er... Hanging out?
Yes. Like, hanging out.
Erm, it's really good if you can read to him.
- That sort of stuff really helps. - Right, er...
Is that something that, er, maybe you could do with him?
Er, yeah.
OK, well, I have to go, cos we're having a night in, so...
You and your husband?
Ha! Husband! Very good. No, um...
My sister.
- Right. - I mean, she's a bit like my husband, but...
Do you have a wife?
No.
I'm just...
Just a son suddenly, so...
Right, well.
Your jacket's very, er...
um, John Motson.
I don't know who... that... Is that a compliment?
Er, football reference.
OK.
Oh, is that...
Ah.
Christ on a bike.
It's a good gag actually, cos, look.
That's John Motson.
This is him with the sheepskin.
Oh, shit.
We should have got the ones with the...
Can we not take them off now, my cacking neck is killing me?
No, you've got to leave it on for 20 minutes.
- Oh... - That's the point. And that's tension, by the way. - What?!
- It's where you hold your sadness. - Better than my arse, I suppose.
It's just cos I didn't sleep again last night.
- Well, you should talk to your therapist... - Let me finish.
Because Bradley and Emma were having sex so loudly.
Honestly, like two alley cats punching each other in the face.
- Why are you still seeing your therapist? - Oh! - Seriously...
Hey, tell me about your one Charlotte.
Just, what does she look like?
What does she look like?
- Paint me a picture. - I'll show you a picture.
- Oh, do, yeah. - She's got this mad long neck...
- Urgh! - Looks like a giraffe.
- Oh, my God! - But, like, in a good way!
- A pretty giraffe! - And it's like her skin is nuts.
You can't even tell from that photo, it's just...
- Is she wearing make up? - No! She doesn't wear make up.
- Oh, my God. - Stupid cow.
Natural beauty, what a bitch.
She's great, though. She feels the same way as me about work
at the moment, just that it's destroying her soul.
You have a brilliant job!
- Really? - Yeah. - What is my job?
What... What do I do? What's my job?
What do I do? What is my job?
You do money! I don't know!
Stocks! Shares! Nasdaq.
Calculators. I don't know, nobody understands the economy,
that's why people blame everything on immigrants. It's easier.
- Oh my God, her website has music. - I know, it's great, isn't it?
Gonna meet her tomorrow. Got an idea I'm gonna pitch to her.
Ah!
OK!
- Stocks! - Wealth!
- Shares! - Money!
Banking!
- Calculators! - Funds!
I'm going to eat you like a little piece of...
- I can't remember... - What an amazing impression!
It's Hannibal Lecter!
I'm going to eat you like a little chicken...
Hello, everybody.
Good morning, I am so sorry I am late, everybody.
And also, I haven't had breakfast,
so if my tummy grumbles, I... aaarghh!
And please, just be polite and pretend you don't hear.
I'm going to waste away, like a leaf at the end of autumn.
What's that?
Oh, my God!
Jesus! Victor...
What happened to you?
He won't speak to us. We think racist attack.
Oh my God, Victor, let me see your eye, lovey. Jesus.
God, did somebody attack you cos you're Bulgarian?
Yes, I'm Bulgarian.
Brick hit me.
We're going to have to get that seen to.
James, come on!
Some racist clocked the poor guy.
And I'm foreign, so an attack on him is an attack on me.
- All right, Erin Brockovich. - That's not fair.
Fucking racism.
Bad, is it?
Yes, I do realise I'm a bit of a dickhead,
but James, he's very vulnerable.
And he barely has a word of English.
So I would really appreciate you just taking him to the hospital.
These aren't kids, Aine.
And if you feel so strongly, you can take him.
No, I can't, cos I have to tutor that French kid at five.
- Yes, you do. - Yes, I do. For you!
- No, you're being paid. - Fair point.
- You defo can't take him? - No!
Thanks so much for coming with me, by the way.
God, I've got so much on today.
Of course. We are family.
Aw! That's so sweet.
I hate the way men don't talk about their feelings, or pain.
Victor... He's a big man.
He don't fight racists.
So now he ashamed.
Life can be hard for men, too.
But I think that vulnerability is seen as a weakness.
Do you know what vulnerab...
Vulnerability is like... Ughhh...
Life is hard for men. Can't do anything now.
Give a woman a hug in a bar, suddenly you're a rapist.
Well, maybe if you don't know her, don't hug her.
Gone too far, the whole thing.
Yeah, the whole thing, yeah.
Whole thing.
No, no.
No police.
Fine, fine, Victor.
But you know, it's awful how many racist attacks
have been happening since Brexit.
Immigrants, just like us.
Too scared to call the police.
Hmph.
We're all just trying to better our lives, you know?
Feed our children.
You have children, Aine?
Not that I know of, no.
Mm.
You know these girls from train? Shout at me.
"Fuck off, Brexit".
They Indian. Indian people, very racist.
Well, I mean, Jen, that in itself is... I mean, that's...
racist, because my sister's boyfriend is Indian, so...
I laugh. I say to them, "You stupid bitches."
I Chinese. So Brexit, I stay here.
I mean... I'll be honest with you, Jen.
While your views on Indian people are at best, er, problematic,
that's a really good comeback.
Right, you can stay here with him, because I have to go, so...
- No, I have to go. - What? - Beat traffic.
Sorry.
Ah.
Oh, shiteballs!
Sorry, excuse me, hiya.
Erm, we have been here for about four... hours,
and that is totally fine, because obviously, this is all free,
so zero pressure, but, erm...
how many people are ahead of us?
There are four people ahead of you.
Hmm, interesting.
OK, hurry up, hurry up.
Not you. Obviously, sorry, just...
Life. Life.
Life.
My promise, my promise, sorry, running late,
oh no! Shit, shit, shit.
Shit, shit.
- I'm so late. - OK?
Yes...
Yes.
You get so worried about gym class,
because you're just such a...
quiet man.
I mean, I find it hard to talk about my feelings, and I'm, like...
chatty, with OK English, but...
Sorry. Excuse me...
Hiya. Me again!
Erm...
Could I just ask you...
Where are you from, originally?
I have worked for the NHS for nine years.
Oh! No, no, no, no, no.
No, I'm not asking in that way...
Oh, God, no, no, no. No. Erm...
- I'm Irish. So I'm not... Sorry. You know what... - OK.
- I'm Bulgarian. - Fuck off, you're not, are you? Oh, my lads.
Hm, that is.
My... Bulgarian student
was attacked, in an attack.
Would you talk to him?
- Yes. - Oh, my God, you're an angel, you're an angel.
Jesus.
Oh.
Brexit.
What I wanna do is, I wanna set up a kind of...
client networking event.
So exactly like the lads have, just for women. But a good one.
You know, like, encourage female investors,
and just try to push for... ethical investments
and even simple stuff, like...
this client would be perfect for you,
- this one's a bit of a molester. - Right.
- You might have to change that for the press release. - Really?
You don't think "less molesters" is catchy?
Sure!
What would you want me to do?
Um...
Just set it up with me. I just feel like I want to do some good.
So... Me and you, like...
Two sexy Yodas, passing on wisdom?
Yes. Exactly. Sexy Yo... Actually, that is...
That's catchy, isn't it?
Sorry, I'm going to...
- No, go for it, take it. - It's my... - Your sister? - Yeah.
Sorry.
Hey, I, um, I can't talk...
but what's up?
Nothing, only I'm a giant stupid eejit.
- Yeah, no news there, then. - I brought a man to the hospital
assuming that he'd been involved in a racist attack
against Bulgarian people...
That's xenophobic, Aine. That's not racist.
Fantastic, even my terminology is wrong, God, I'm such an idiot.
What's the problem? Sounds like a nice thing to do.
I never properly asked him what had gone wrong, I just assumed.
- Well, that's idiotic. - Eat my arse, Shona.
Eat MY arse! Eat my...
I've had no food today, just coffee.
- What? - Who are you laughing with?
Erm, I'm with Charlotte. I'm being rude, anyway.
Sorry, sir, could you just pull in over here?
Just on the corner. Thank you for the charger.
Thank you, no, keep the change.
Thank you. Anyway, so he was basically on a building site,
and oh God, you know if I say this,
I would laugh, but it's so serious -- like, James might fire me, Shona.
Anyways, I thought he said a prick hit him. It was actually a brick.
I'm really sorry.
No, no need to apologise. Oh my God, Shona, I actually feel
physically embarrassed by myself,
like I'm actually cringing in my soul at the moment.
I hate being a guilty Catholic white woman,
I wish I was one of those that voted for Trump. Also...
Aine, will you just calm down? Just calm down.
I'm going now, I have to go into this job, my Dad's gonna hate me,
my battery went dead before I could text him
- and I made a promise to the French boy. - Are you on drugs?
- Shut up, Shona, you're on drugs, fuck off! - Yeah, OK, bye!
You all right?
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, she's great.
She's great. She just gets a bit...
She gets a bit overwhelmed, you know. So, sorry.
Maybe rule number one of our new club
is that we have to take a shot every time we say "sorry".
- OK. - Sorry, could we get two sambucas, please?
Hang on, are you... You're in.
Yeah, fuck it.
- Let's change the world, baby! - OK! Let's change the world!
Can I not have a sambuca, though, sorry, just the...
it makes me barf. Just a tequila, sorry.
Just so you know, I did turn up.
Right, well, he's asleep now.
Yeah, and I am so, so sorry.
Like, I genuinely am. And I know it's so unprofessional.
Just, I, I had to take someone to the hospital.
My phone died, I mean...
But I will just say, I'm so good at my job
and in terms of him, English learning,
and all of that, for him...
obviously, not a good example.
- He needs people he can rely on. - Absolutely.
- And I am... - Aine!
- Hi, Etienne! - Vous etes en retard!
Etienne, it's not polite to call someone a retard.
That's... That's French for "late".
- Yeah. - Right, of course. Jokes.
I mean, I'm just jokes, Richard.
Well, your timekeeping is a joke.
The joker has become the jokee.
I'm... Je suis desolee, Etienne.
- I forgive you. - Ah! - For the five pound.
See. More English than he lets on.
Yes, but in fairness, clever move.
Here you go.
What?
But I did also get you something, in case you felt left out.
It's the new John Grisham.
Please.
- Can you do tomorrow at 5pm? - I can!
- I can. - Are you sure there won't be any...
dragons you have to slay en route, or...
There's no guarantees, Richard. No, there is!
- There is a guarantee. - There is.
- 5pm. - 5pm. - OK. - Absolutely.
OK.
Good night.
Bonne nuit.
Oh, God.
Agh.
♪ I am going home
♪ So leave me alone
♪ I am going home... ♪