We're called into the board room to be told that the SRA are formerly investigating the company
on behalf of the NPA in relation to the FPN pension fund.
Are you even listening to me?
Yes, I am, but you're mainly saying letters. It's like being shouted at by Rachel Riley.
This is serious. The company could've broken the law, which I have no part of. Yeah.
Sure. Which is why I found my inner Erin Brokovich...
and I walked out.
You quit? I haven't QUIT quit.
I've made a stand and I've taken annual leave until the investigation's over. I see.
Protesting by going on holiday. I'm very proud.
It's what Malala would do. I'm not going on holiday anywhere, I'm staying here.
Well, why don't you come and help out in the pub?
Nat, think about it. We could like hang out together,
chat about things properly like we used to. It'd be like reconnecting time. Aw, Rom.
That's actually quite sweet.
OK. Let's do it!
Thine hosts - Rom and Nat. Yeah, it'd be like we're dating again.
How exciting! Oh! Yeah.
Shit! My travel card was in my hand! Um...
Oh.
It's not very good here. Are you all right in that bin?
Yes!
What? I'm not a tramp.
I mean, hi.
Hi.
I'm Charlotte. Like Bronte.
Big 19th century writers' fan.
I'm Lemon, um, like the fruit.
Massive fan of citrus.
And literature. Really? Do you study?
Er, no, I write. I'm a writer.
Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I was doing in that bin, actually,
cos you never know where your next big idea's going to come from. It must be so difficult to be a writer.
Yeah, yeah, it is.
And lonely.
You know, being left alone with all those thoughts and...
sentences.
You know, maybe you'd like to discuss my methods in more detail.
Do you know the Seven Swans pub?
It's Crawley's literary hub.
Great.
Rom, if I tell you something can you keep it to yourself? Yeah, of course.
But I think you should probably tell the father, he's got a right to know.
Ha-ha. About Lee - I think he's been living in his ambulance.
Rom, how much do we really know about Lee?
He never really opens up about his life, does he? Could you have a word? Just to make sure he's OK.
Why me? Because I think it might better.
You know man to slightly odd man.
I think you mean terrifying weirdo, but yes, I will have a word with him.
Oh, here she is!
Ready for an honest day's work? Totally ready, boss.
This is so great. This is such a great idea. Mwah.
Oh, my God, look at that. A little kiss during the daylight hours.
I know. Like two horny teenagers.
Aww. I've been missing our chats, Rom.
I'm so sorry, I've just been caught up in all this rubbish at work and the SRA and maybe charges...
No, no, listen, we're not talking about work. This is reconnecting time, OK?
We're talking about us. Sorry, you're right, you're right.
So what...
So...
Do you think we should let Theresa go on this geography trip? I'm not sure, what's it about?
They're looking into the key characteristics of sedimentary and igneous rock foundations.
It's fairly important for their term learning objectives, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, apparently so.
Well, then she should go then, shouldn't she? Mm-hm.
All right. He's not Seinfeld. Nice having Nat around the bar to chat to, is it?
Yeah, mate. Absolutely smashing it. Hm. I wish I was going on the awesome geography trip.
Oh, you heard that?
Yeah, well, it's a tiny bar, Rom.
I'm feeling a lot of judgement from you, Julie. Try sexy, then.
I thought it was going to be like electric conversation. You know, us reconnecting.
"I love you, Nat." "I love you, Rom." "You're so charming." We've run out of things to day.
We've literally hit igneous rock bottom.
Don't worry. Do what I always do before I go on a date
and just jot some interesting ideas on your hand, just in case.
Yeah, I don't think I'm that desperate.
Er, hang on, mate, I'll just check. Did anybody order a tosser?
Don't be so perspicacious, Rom.
OK, whatever you think that means it doesn't. A man's allowed to expand his vocabulary, isn't he? Er, yeah.
Doesn't explain why you've come in here acting like overly Ernest Hemingway.
OK. I met a really fit woman yesterday
and she's really into literature and she mistook me for a writer.
OK, I told her that I was a writer. Wow. You've gone very big,
Well, if I could make her believe I'm a writer for just a little bit longer
until she gets to know the real me, the real Lemon... Surely that's the last thing you want to happen.
Well, I'm meeting her for a drink. I told her this place was a hotbed of bohemian chic.
So when she gets here maybe you could pretend to be
highly cultured for me? Sure.
Want me to say something like, "When my grandad arrived in Britain he was the inspiration for Paddington"?
Great.
Oh, hang on. What's that you're reading?
Ulysses? Like you've read Ulysses.
I've read the blurb.
Have you read Ulysses? Of course I have.
OK, then, who's the murderer?
Was there a murder?
Oh, I don't have to have read it, I am Irish. I have live it.
Oh, noting something on your hand, are you?
Yes, OK, it turns out I am that desperate.
Er, Lee...
Yeah?
Mate, I was just wondering if I could get, um, more of those super-strength painkillers for my back.
Oh, er, well, I wasn't really supposed to give them out the first time, so...
Oh, right, OK, well, don't worry about it.
I did actually want to have a quiet word, anyway.
Yeah, yeah, OK, sure. Well, just that, um,
I was talking to Julie and, er, she seems to think you've been
Yeah, I have. It's not a problem, is it?
Oh, God, mate, no, it's not a problem for me at all. It's just...
I want to say we're all here for you if you're going through a tough time. Oh, no, nothing like that.
It'll only be for two weeks, you know, max,
just until I get the ground floor of my place remodelled. Remodelled?
I would park there, but the builders say they need both drives, so... Right. Both drives.
I mean, to be honest, I'm thinking of downsizing,
but I think I'll find it too hard to give up the basement swimming pool.
Yes, right. Yeah, yeah, no, it sounds like a...
a real nightmare. I'll tell you what, mate, you, er,
you leave it there as long as you like, all right? Thanks, mate, I, I appreciate it.
No, no. Listen, it's the least I can do.
Poor delusional bastard.
OK, so it's worse than we thought. Really?
What do you mean? Well, he's claiming it's a temporary situation
while he gets his mansion remodelled. Oh, God.
He must be bad. Me might be losing it. We need to keep an eye on him.
Not a problem for you. Oh, very good.
Hello. Here he is. Act normal.
What the hell are you doing? I'm acting normal.
Hi. I'm looking for Lemon.
Oh, what JK Growling? Just over there.
Welcome, Charlotte. You, you, you came.
Of course I came. This place is amazing.
Oh, it's just a humble little safe space
for me to come to try out all of my thoughts and sentences.
I like your jacket. Hm. We're matching.
Mm. We're like Burgundy bookends.
And here are my friends.
Or muses, if you will.
I've read Ulysses, but I don't like to talk about it.
My grandad was Paddington.
My dad was the keyboard player in Simply Red.
Well, perhaps you'd like to join me
in my corner.
Hey, Rom. Oh, hey, how's it going?
Yeah, I was hoping to get you on your own.
That conversation earlier on... Hm?
Wasn't great, was it? By "wasn't great" do you mean did it make me worry about our marriage? Then yeah.
Maybe work AND kids should be off-topic...
Yeah... while we're reconnecting.
Yeah. Agreed, agreed.
Um, don't look blatantly but you see that girl with Lemon over there?
He's trying to get off with her by pretending he's read Ulysses.
What? Remember that Ulysses pub in Dublin that we went to?
Do you remember? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I walked in and I was, "Why is everyone staring at me?
Is it the first time they've ever seen a brown person or something?"
And then they patted me on the head for luck and stuff like that. It was such a mad night.
It was... and then, um...
Are you reading that off your hand? No.
No. No.
Oh, my God. Am I so boring that you're preparing your conversations in advance now? Don't be silly. No.
God, you're doing it again! Nat, Nat, Nat... I can't believe you.
Nat, I'm sorry. You're not boring. You are not... Nat, Nat...
Yeah, not like that, mate.
Nat, you're not boring, you're... you're interesting. Honestly.
"You're not boring." I meant it in a nice way.
So I am boring, then? No, no. Nat, you're not boring, OK?
You are not boring, it's just our lives are kind of boring, aren't they?
I don't mean it like that. The whole thing is stressing me out, you're making things worse.
Why don't we leave it for now, open the bar in the morning
Rom, . Well done.
You know, it's brave for men to talk about these things so openly.
And really, it's, er, it's a lot more common than you think.
What? Let me recommend a guy I know. He's a sexual mindfulness coach.
David, we're not talking about sex. We've just run out of things to talk about.
There are no problems in the bedroom. Trust me on that, mate.
Right, Nat?
Believe me, David, the magic is still there.
Argh! Shit!
My back! Nat!
Nat! Oh, God. Right, you're going to the doctor's tomorrow. Come on.
Go easy, that looks painful. It can't be more painful than this conversation.
It's just so vibrant being in a lecture hall.
My lectures are a bourgeois fix. I want the guts to be a writer like you.
That's me. Positively fizzing with guts.
You know, sorry, I'm just so engaged with your writing process
and you don't have to, obviously,
but I'd love to have a little sneak peek.
No, no, I... she's resting right now.
Needs her beauty sleep.
Oh. She? Yeah, she.
Erm, like my mum, because she, my mum,
births me
and this notebook is where I birth all my thoughts.
And sentences? Mm-hm.
Oh. I actually love it.
Oh, I've got to dash. Sorry.
It was really lovely meeting up.
Yeah. See you. Bye.
Come back.
Er... I mean...
come back here... tomorrow.
Thank you, Lemon, I'd love that.
And no pressure, but I really would love to read
some of your thoughts and sentences.
Bye.
Well? Looks like someone's on a promise.
I've got to write a classic work of fiction by tomorrow afternoon.
Is that sort of thing difficult?
Hello. Please come in.
Bloody hell. I wasn't expecting Doogie Howser himself. Sorry, I'm Dr Walace.
Well, Mr Ranganathan, how can I help?
Well, I've just got some quite bad back pain. I need some weapons-grade painkillers
and an orthopaedic referral and I'll be off.
No, I need to make a physical examination.
OK.
That is an upper percentile girth.
How's your diet? What's this got to do with my back?
How much bread and meat do you eat in a week? I'm a vegetarian.
Really? Just how much vegetarian food do you eat? Look, I'm fine, OK? Apart from my back.
Any family history of health problems I should be aware of? No, no history of back pain.
My father died of a heart attack.
Right, well, we should run some precautionary investigations.
Look, no offence, mate, but could I just see a proper doctor? I am a qualified doctor
and as your GP I'm telling you it's in your best interests to run a few basic tests
that may just improve your health in the long-term. Yeah, OK. Sorry, you're just doing your job.
Actually, you've got to be fucking kidding me. Am I like your first ever patient?
Mate, I need a grown-up doctor. But I'm really good at this bit. Could I have an adult doctor now?
Hello, Dr Shepherd. Would you mind popping in again?
Back ache. OK, thank you.
He'll be here in a minute. Great.
Ah, Mr Ranganathan.
Finally, somebody over 18. I was just explaining to your... colleague
that I'm just after some painkillers. Dr Shepherd. Absolute pleasure to meet you.
Now, back pain aside we may as well give you a quick MOT.
Bloody irritating, I know, but what do you say? Sure. Whatever you think, Doctor.
Superb. Now, just drop your trousers and I'll grab myself a pair of gloves.
Sorry, gloves? A-ha.
"As the sunlight smashed into the day like a billion shards of whatever,
giving the finger to the night.
"Fudge," suggested Megs.
"Maybe later," replied Cedric.
"See you later."
How was that? Was that terrible? Was it OK?
Oh, my God. I can't believe I've finally shared my writing out loud.
It's really...
really, really,
really stunning, Charlotte.
A triumph. Wow. I've been binging on some Edgar Allan Poe recently,
but it's all flattery, isn't it?
Oh, gosh, I...
I feel like I've opened myself up to you.
Lemon, do you think you might be able to...
pour yourself into me in return?
Into this yearning vessel of thoughts and sentences?
Oh, Yeah, I recognise him. He's in Theresa's class at school.
I actually asked if he got all his medical experience from playing Operations,
but it turns out that was too old a reference as well.
We're not so bad at this chat thing after all, are we? No, we're not,
but I'd say the last couple of days has shown me if you want to maintain a relationship
you do need to spend a lot of time apart,
to make sure that the time you do spend together isn't total shit.
How romantic.
So what shall we do now, then?
Well, I love you,
but I would really like you to go away.
Well, I love you, too.
So I'll be upstairs catching up on my soaps. Good. Good luck.
"8.30.
I half wake. I feel so sweaty.
Time to get up and have some brekkie.
11.30.
Give myself a once-over with the flannel because I've got a date.
1pm.
Met this girl - Charlotte!"
Give it here.
"She's got such a lovely mouth. Like two pencils.
I'd like to go down south. Hope she doesn't smell of lentils."
Lemon, is this your diary?
I couldn't write a story. I'm sorry.
But you're a writer.
"I really, really, want to S in that.
And there aren't four Ss in that
and there's none in that."
All right. It's not a critique. You're just marking it now.
OK, I couldn't write a great work of literature, but at least I stayed up all night trying.
All night!
Jumper's itching like a fucking cat.
This is the real Lemon!
This is! You want authentic. Is this authentic enough?!
Yeah. I lied.
But I did it...
to impress you.
Charlotte, let's start a new story together.
But you tell me - does this one have a happy ending.
No, Lemon, it has a tragic ending.
Aw. Better luck next time, eh, Lemon? Yeah.
Still, thanks for pretending that you'd read Ulysses for me
and that your dad was the keyboard player for Simply Red.
I wasn't pretending. My dad was the keyboard player. Yeah, OK, Lee.
Look, look, look.
Here's me and Uncle Mick on my 18th birthday.
It was a good time. Dad wrote some of the songs,
so ironically I live off the royalties from Money's Too Tight.
I mean, how else do you think I could afford a six-bedroom thatched house
and a place in Florida?
Why did you never mention this before? I literally talk about it all the time.
I mean, sometimes, you know, I worry, you know, it's too big.
Er, Lee. Yes, mate?
Move your fucking ambulance.
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