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Bobbie, I just finished reading the script.
Thank God. I told them you could read, but I wasn't sure.
I had no idea how big my part was. I'm the hero.
In the final scene, I shoot down a helicopter in a tunnel.
It's crazy. This movie has, like, an $80-million budget.
The last movie I was on, they made me bring my own toilet paper.
Yeah, well, I got your first check today.
And it's more money than you've ever made.
So you gotta be careful with it.
You don't have to tell me. Days ago, I was close to having nothing.
I'm going to invest responsibly.
I'm not about to... They sell those?
Hey, sorry about that, Bobbie, I had to...
"Custom fish tanks"?
Hi, Joey. I'm Chris, the assistant director.
- Hey. - Welcome to the first day of shooting.
Your trailer is almost ready.
Per your request, we have "pimped it out"...
...in order to attract "hot tail. "
When I left that message, I was not aware you were a woman.
Not a problem. They're putting in a plasma TV...
...your personal masseuse will be here at 3...
...we've got a Denver omelet on the way for breakfast.
My favorite breakfast. How did you know?
We called and spoke to your management. We know all your favorite things.
Does the personal masseuse know my favorite things?
He does not.
- Denver omelet, Mr. Tribbiani. - Zach, what the hell are you doing here?
I said I was friends with the star. They gave me a job in Craft Services.
I'm starting small, but who knows where it may lead?
You ate half of this.
Yeah. I did you a favor. This tastes horrible.
Joey Tribbiani.
Benjamin Lockwood.
God, I know you.
I saw you do Shakespeare on Broadway when I was a kid.
- Twelfth Night? - Well, I don't remember the date, no.
So you're in this?
Your movies get all these great reviews and awards.
I am in a movie worthy of Benjamin Lockwood?
You're in a movie that will allow Benjamin Lockwood to pay off his debts.
And get his Oscar out of a pawnshop in Reseda.
- What part are you playing? - Agent Wilson.
Wow, that's a great part for you.
Oh, groundbreaking, yes.
FBI pulls me in for one more assignment...
...and I get to say, no less than seven times:
"I'm getting too old for this crap. "
Wow, I think someone's gonna have another Oscar to pawn pretty soon, huh?
Okay, we're going to start the table read. Kenny's just showing up now.
- Who? - Kenny plays the kid...
...Benjamin and I protect in the movie.
- Bad form showing up late on the first day. - Yeah.
Hey, little guy.
I'm Joey, and well, I'm the star of this movie.
Now, you were a little late today.
You know what happens to boys who are late, don't you?
- They get their noses taken away, so... - Oh, no, you did not just touch me.
Look, okay, Kenny. Let's...
Let's watch the attitude, all right?
Now...
...the star sets the tone... - Hey, get out of my chair, chump.
Okay, well... Actually, this is my chair.
- Can you believe this kid? - Kenny wants the chair.
Get out of the chair.
- I'm the star. - No, I'm the star.
My last movie, The Littlest President, just opened at $40 million...
...so get out of my chair!
- For the love of God, get out of his chair. - Okay. All right.
And give me my nose back.
The kid kicked you out of your chair?
Yeah, not only that, he took my parking spot.
And he cut in front of me in the food line.
And he called you a "doodie-head" in front of everyone.
See what I'm dealing with? First of all, it's totally unprofessional, okay?
And second of all, it's not true.
Hey, Gina, I... Oh.
- Hi, Joey. - Hi, Alex.
Haven't seen you since our night on the rooftop.
Oh, well, I'm not avoiding you because you were so romantic...
...I couldn't deal with it. Get over yourself.
So that's your pretend date from the rooftop.
You're telling people? That's fun.
I told my therapist.
We were laughing so hard...
...he had to cancel his next appointment because I wouldn't leave his office.
Give me and Alex a second?
Yeah, sure, yeah. I gotta show Zach my truck.
He knows a tailor who can make a leather suit in the same color.
- Come on. - Oscars are coming up...
...and you don't wanna look like a jackass.
Okay, what was that with you and Joey?
Something weird happened with us the other night.
We were having this fake romantic thing...
...and it took a turn and got real for me...
...and I have feelings for him.
Oh, no, Alex, you are not falling for Joey.
I know. It's a bad idea.
He's totally not my type.
- You're not his type. - What's his?
Women he hasn't slept with.
I can't be into Joey. What am I supposed to do?
The easiest way to forget about a guy is to find another one.
I know lots of guys.
What's your type?
- Well, I like someone who's smart... - Never mind.
Hey, guys. What are you up to?
We're trying to find someone to set Alex up with.
Oh, really? What do you like?
Well, I'd say someone around my age...
...blond-haired, blue-eyed, creative, smart.
I feel like I know someone who'd be perfect. Lived in the building...
...was in an orchestra... - That's my ex-husband.
So no?
If you're willing to bend on the blond thing, I would...
I'd throw my hat in the ring.
I may be a simple man, but I know what love is.
- Joey. - Hey, Mr. Lockwood.
- Ready to go? - I am ready to work.
But Kenny is in his trailer with his management...
...debating whether to make number one before coming to the set.
- I am sick of waiting for this kid. - You're telling me?
I am a serious actor. This punk thinks he can walk...
Oh, there he is.
Our star. Prince Kenny. The Big K.
Listen, I was just listening to your rap album.
Marvelous.
Parents do be illing.
That's very nice, Lockhart.
It's actually "Lockwood," but you know what?
Hearing you get the "Lock" part right...
...is a thrill I won't soon forget.
Give me a piggyback.
Hop aboard, my prince.
What the hell was that?
Someone who's been in this business doing what it takes to get ahead.
You got to do like him. Cozy up to the star.
- No matter what level you on. - No, I'm not getting sucked into the politics.
I'm about work. We're about to do the hero scene.
At the end of the day, that's what people remember.
Yeah, be your own man.
Now, I need a shirt identical to Kenny's so I can start a conversation with him.
That was fun for you, so give me $5.
What a bargain.
All right, everybody, Joey's here.
So let's run the scene where Baxter, Wilson and Ron...
...get chased by the helicopter through the tunnel.
The three of you have just run into the tunnel.
Action.
I can't believe we made it out of there alive.
I'm getting too old for this crap.
Wait a minute. What's that sound?
- It's the damn chopper. - Now I'm pissed.
That Apache helicopter messed with the wrong cowboy.
- And cut. - How was that?
How was that look of determination?
- Movie poster, right? - Absolutely. I loved it.
You know what? I was talking to Lockwood before...
...and I don't think Joey should be the hero. Lockwood should be.
- Great idea. - What?
- New pages. Lockwood's the hero. - Oh, wait.
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
Policemen, firemen, our men in uniform. Those are the real heroes.
What the hell, I'll give it a whirl.
- Okay. - Hold on. He can't be the hero.
- It's in the script. I'm the hero. - Look, the studio wants the kid happy.
He gets whatever he wants.
Hey, what's going on?
You said you didn't care. Why would try to take my stuff?
I get paid by the day. More lines, more days...
...the sooner I get my Oscar out of hock.
And my Tony. And my Latin Grammy.
I am huge in Argentina.
I don't care what you want money for.
Stop messing with me.
Listen. You're in way over your head, buddy.
Don't quote Shakespeare to me.
Alex Garrett.
I may have found a guy to help you get over Joey.
Now, is height important to you?
I don't know. How tall is he?
- He's four... - You need to keep looking.
You have such narrow taste.
Where am I gonna find a specific type?
- Hey, Gina. - Please hold.
They're doing a history-of-Motown movie.
Pull headshots of all the black women we represent...
...between the ages of 50 and 60 who have singing experience.
Hey, could I do that with all blond-haired, blue-eyed guys...
...in their 20s and 30s that went to college?
A blond man as Aretha Franklin.
I like it.
- Hey. - You're not gonna believe this.
That kid took away my scene.
I'm not the hero in the movie anymore.
Oh, that's too bad, Joey.
Even if you're not a hero in the movie, you'll always be a hero to me and Michael.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I could get through it.
I can't believe this.
I'm losing lines, Lockwood's sabotaging me. I'm in big trouble.
It's like when I was in the science fair at junior high.
This other kid bought gifts for the judges and vandalized my entry.
Yeah? Well, what'd you do?
I confronted her...
...and then she beat the crap out of me.
You know what? Zach was right.
I gotta suck up. That's the only chance of getting my scene back.
I'm gonna compliment him...
...and laugh at everything he says.
Joey, he's a kid. He doesn't need his butt kissed...
...he needs a good spanking.
Gina, I'm not gonna spank the kid.
Why not? Mom used to spank us. We turned out great.
Really?
Who's my dad?
I'm working on it.
Hey.
All right, so where's this guy you want me to meet?
Actually, it's a whole group of guys.
I found actors who fit your type, so I set up an audition for a fake movie.
I even wrote a script.
What?
"Alex's Song: The Sexual Awakening of a Middle-Aged Divorcée"?
This is crazy. What kind of actors are gonna show up for this?
Are you kidding? Actors audition for anything.
- I had to turn down Kevin Bacon. - Why? I love Kevin Bacon.
No. He wanted to direct, and this film is my vision.
Kevin Bacon?
I love this game.
Let's see how many steps it takes to connect him to me.
We did it on a boat.
One.
- Let's check these guys out. - Okay.
- I'm a little nervous about this. - Oh, no, you're gonna do great.
Oh, my God. There's so many of them.
How do I pick?
I don't know anything about them. They could be married or gay or...
Okay, relax. I will help you.
Okay, everybody, listen up.
You have been patient. We appreciate it.
I don't want to offend anyone, but would all gays get up against the wall?
- I had an experience in college... - Wall.
What happened here?
Kenny threw a tantrum because the macaroni and cheese...
...wasn't cheesy enough.
I do not approve of what he did, but he's not wrong.
Somebody should put that kid in his place.
Oh, Kenny.
Man, look at Lockwood over there sucking up.
I gotta get in on that.
- You're telling me your dog vomited... - Yeah.
...ate its vomit and then vomited again?
Yeah, it's my favorite story.
And now it's mine too.
Yeah, but Fluffy got cancer. Two months later, we had to put him to sleep.
Hey, you think it's funny my dog died?
Oh, don't look at me that way. We're buddies.
- Are you kissing my butt? - Yes.
Can I have my scene back, please?
No, because I don't like you.
I don't think you should land the plane either.
New pages. Lockwood's landing the plane.
- No, I love that scene. - Well, then treat it right.
Let it be played by a real actor.
You know what? I'm gonna go to that pawnshop, buy your Oscar...
...and I'm gonna cut it in half.
Come on. You can't just take away my scene.
I can do whatever I want.
You, turn in your walkie. You're fired.
This isn't right. You're acting like this because no one told you you can't.
Know what no one told me I couldn't do?
- What? - Throw these pretzels at your big old head.
Don't do that.
I'm not kidding.
Okay, that's it. My sister was right.
- You need discipline. - Cut it out! Hey!
Stop it. Quit it. Cut it out! Stop it! Stop it!
Quit it!
I'm not landing the plane, am I?
Okay, let's review.
If you're against the wall, you were either gay, married...
...wear tank tops, enjoy quoting Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
- She's a witch. - She turned me into a newt.
Separate those two.
- Now you're getting into it. - I got one.
What's up?
- What's up? - Wall.
Now, you're down to your last two. Who's it gonna be?
I don't know. I don't know what else to ask them.
Gina, I've been looking all over for y...
I gotta say, I was skeptical...
...but we've got a lot of good Aretha Franklins here.
Actually, Bobbie, my friend Alex was desperate to meet a guy...
...so I called in a bunch of clients and set up a fake audition.
Oh, for what it's worth...
...I slept with the one in the red.
Red shirt, wall.
Actually, just leave the room.
Curls were so soft.
Well, we have our winner.
Go ask him out.
I can't. I told you I'm bad at that part.
- Can't you do it for me? - Alex, this is as far as I'll go for you.
If you're gonna get over Joey, you have to step it up.
All right, wish me luck.
Hi. Listen, I have a confession to make.
This isn't a real audition.
Alex's Song isn't a real movie.
My friend set this up so I could find a date.
And I'd like to offer you the part.
This is kind of weird, but you seem nice. I'd go out with you.
- Really? - I knew something was up...
...when I read for this audition.
"Should we go inside and do it?" "I don't know, I'm blond and weird. "
"Doesn't mean you can't do it. " "Let's do it. "
Just because you can't pull it off, don't knock the writing.
Hey, Lisa.
Hey, Paul, how...?
Joey.
Very good career move back there. Spanking the star.
The director's mother is coming to the set.
Maybe you should punch her in the face.
Very funny. At least I didn't suck up to that kid, okay?
I may lose my job, but I still have my dignity.
- And I'll work again. - That's the spirit.
I'm sure our paths will cross. I'll tell you now what I'll tell you then:
I like all the dipping sauces with my nuggets.
Kenny.
Joey.
Okay, I think we should talk.
Now, I don't blame you if you're upset.
I just think we should clear the air.
Is he mad? I can't see his face from up here.
Thanks. I was out of line...
...and you busted me on it. I respect that.
Hey, no problem, huh?
Hey, Kenny.
I see smiles. Why are there smiles?
Turns out the kid respected me for disciplining him.
You know what? You're a brave guy.
And it'd make more sense if you land the plane.
New pages. Joey's landing the plane.
You should be the hero too.
- New pages. Joey's... - They know!
Thanks, Kenny. You're all right.
You too, Joe.
Well, Tribbiani...
I underestimated you. I didn't think you were savvy enough to play the game.
But now it seems you've taken the game to a whole new level.
That's right, Lockwood.
It seems the student has become the pupil.
Maybe I'll be okay.
Hey, sexy. How was your date?
It was so great.
Thank you for finding this guy. He's so sweet and funny...
...and I didn't think about Joey once.
- I am so happy for you. - Thank you.
I knew this would work.
Now I'm working on the audition scenes for mine.
That's disgusting.
Oh, good, I didn't think it was clear.
Hey, Gina, you wanna...?
Hey, look at you, Alex. Were you on a date?
- Yeah, actually. - Wow, lucky guy.
- You look beautiful. - Wow, really?
Jeez, Joey, that is so sweet.
- Alex... - Stay out of it.
You wanna go grab dinner?
- Oh, no. Now's not a good time. - I'll come. I'm starving.
- Oh, didn't you just eat? - No, this is my swan purse.
- All right, well, let's go. - Okay.
Alex, the wine's open. You coming back in?
Yeah. Hey, Steve.
Come on.
Hey, is she okay? Did she talk to you about anything?
- Why? - I think she had meat in her purse.
Hey, Kenny. Wait up.
I just want to say thanks for being so cool.
And I got you a little gift.
Your keys? You're giving me your truck?
No, no, no.
No, I was...
I was just gonna give you this.
That is priceless.
He doesn't see my car. Porsche on your left.
Porsche on your left!