- Dugdale's made an offer. - Oh, Phil! Oh!
- Will you marry me? - What?!
The Lemming Family is a naked act of piracy,
and the least we expect is a proper public apology.
No, we don't.
Yes, we do, we don't want to be turned into lemmings and marketed.
Roger really fancies you, Georgie.
Well, he's not said anything to me.
Where's your list?
Number one, get married.
Number two, get MARRIED.
Number three, GET married.
♪ Have I the right to hold you? ♪
♪ You know I've always told you ♪
♪ I've loved you from the very start ♪
♪ Come right back ♪
♪ I just can't bear it ♪
♪ I've got some love and I long to share it ♪
♪ Come right back, right back where you belong ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ You belong... ♪
At last, the big move.
Would you believe this? This is the third load.
Vast mountain of stuff.
Where's it all going?
I told them to tow it out to sea
and dump it, you know, next to the plastic.
A momentous occasion.
Yeah, yes, it is. I keep swinging
between sort of liberating and unsettling.
Hmm-hmm.
You know, when I was a boy,
I used to stare out of the window for hours, it was bliss.
I haven't done much of that recently.
Nice windows in the Portugal villa?
Oh, lovely, yeah, I'll be staring at the horizon for months.
And I'll be doing a lot of staring at Edith too, thinking how...
How lucky I am.
I expect you're thinking about Sandra?
Ah.
Well, see you at the wedding.
Hmm.
I'm Roger Stevens and this is Methuselah.
- Say hello, Methuselah. - Hello!
Tell us how you met.
Well, I went for a job in a toy shop,
and, uh, which I didn't get, and I was so downcast that, uh,
they offered me something from the end-of-stock bin,
- just to cheer me up. - And you chose Methuselah?
Well, I just grabbed the first thing that didn't look too manky.
Oh, thanks.
What's the matter?
- I don't think it's working. - What?!
It's vital I get a distinction, not just a pass...
it's one of the best courses in the country.
I don't intend to flunk it.
Well, you... you're not going to flunk it wi... with me
and Methuselah, uh, uh, toys as transitional objects,
the... the relay of love, it's your idea,
it's... it's absolutely brilliant.
I was wrong, it needs to be more relevant
to ordinary people's experience.
Well, I... I'm an ordinary person, aren't I?
No, Roger, you're not an ordinary person, you're an exceptional twerp.
Well, me and Methuselah, we're the real thing. Ur, ur, ur.
I'm sorry.
No, lis... listen, my mum, she's getting married, uh,
on... on Saturday, why don't you do a documentary of that?
Film the wedding? Been done.
No, not like this.
This is two old people escaping their destiny.
How do you mean?
Well, it's like the return of the prodigal son - that's me -
but with a modern twist.
Go on.
Well, instead of welcoming the prodigal son home with open arms,
they just take one look at him and do a bunk.
That sounds more interesting.
Has Roger ever told you how much he loves you?
I'll ignore that.
- It's all under control except for the cake. - Oh?
Oh, yes, 'cos Sandra wants to order from the local bakery
and Wendy wants some expensive designer job.
Sandra wants traditional, Wendy wants organic. Sandra wants round,
Wendy wants square. Sandra wants three tiers, Wendy wants seven.
Otherwise, they're pretty... pretty much in agreement!
We don't have to have a cake.
No cake?!
Should I have a word?
No, no, no, leave it, leave it.
I don't even know what I'm going to pack yet.
Well, nothing.
I mean, we'll... we'll leave in the clothes that we're wearing,
you know, we'll start from scratch,
we'll go out and buy everything new.
What, hit the ground shopping?
- Exactly. - Hello?
- Hello. - Oh. Oh. Queenie.
I was hoping I'd find you both here.
This is one of your days, is it, Queenie?
I've come specially.
- I want you to sign... - Oh.
... a few copies of Wendy's book for me.
I want to be far, far away from the wretched Lemming Family.
Everyone else has signed it, they'll be collectors' items one day.
I must have done something really appalling in a previous life.
If you're referring to the transmigration of souls,
I know a thing or two about that, it's a very interesting subject.
This old Aborigine gentleman in Tasmania...
- You know, give me the books, give me the books. - Suit yourself.
Oh, I'm going to miss these.
Well, then make them yourself.
Couldn't be easier.
Wouldn't be the same, though.
They'd be remarkably similar if you just followed the simple recipe.
Hmm.
- Mum? - Yes, dear?
I think I'm in love.
Oh, Roger.
Well, aren't you happy for me?
I... I'd very much like to be.
Yes, I am, I... I am.
If you're happy, are you?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I... I will be when she reciprocates.
Don't you want to know who it is?
Do you know, I don't think I do.
Georgie.
Yes, that's what I thought you were going to say.
Oh, Roger, why do you always have to do this?!
What? Do what?
I don't know where you get it from.
Your dad's family were all clever,
there's no-one on my side totally lacking in common sense.
I mean, even Auntie Joan's not completely barmy.
I'm a late developer.
Roger! Georgina is Bob's daughter.
I know.
Bob and I had something going between us 100 years ago.
- Yeah, I know. - He's not to be trusted.
For one thing, he broke into this house, remember,
- and Phil can't stand him! - I know.
So you getting together with Georgie a... and bringing
Bob into the family is a bit of a problem, isn't it?
Not necessarily.
- You really don't get it, do you? - Well, I...
No.
I cannot understand why something so clear,
so blindingly obvious, is beyond you.
Why? What, is it?
Well, maybe it's to do with me having a long-lost twin.
Roger! You never had a twin!
I've told you a dozen times, if you'd been a twin,
I would have told you years ago.
You are not - were not - ever a twin!
All right, OK, OK, just calm down, down.
Would you like a sherry?
No, I finished the sherry the last time we had this twins nonsense.
- Mum? - What?
W... would you like a video record of the wedding?
Oh, Phil's already booked a photographer.
Oh, no, this will be like a film with, uh, interviews with friends
and family, and then edited together,
a sort of story of the wedding.
It sounds expensive.
Oh, no, no, it's... it's... it's free, ha, it's...
It's, um, my wedding present to you, um, uh, to... to both of you.
Oh, Roger, what a lovely surprise.
Oh, Phil will be thrilled.
That... that's so thoughtful of you.
Listen, I'm a bit of a veteran where weddings are concerned...
Having been through a few myself.
A tip I got from a little old lady a long time ago was it's always
a good idea to have a pocket made in your wedding dress,
just big enough to hold a couple of hundred quid.
In that way, if you change your mind,
you know, have second thoughts, you can do a runner.
And then you'll have enough money to flag a taxi down and pay for it.
CROC: Ha! Oh...
That's not going to happen, is it?
Isn't she great? I love Queenie.
You seem to love quite a few people.
Yeah, I do, I think that's one of the reasons you're attracted
to me because I'm so warm-hearted.
- It's the crocodile I really like. - Aargh, aargh.
What do you think, Dad?
What, him?
No, about the film.
Oh, aye, it's OK.
It's OK but it... it could with a bit of music.
What?! No, no, music!
Oh.
Yeah, yeah, you know, like...
... the theme from James Bond, you know.
(HE AND CROC HUM JAMES BOND THEME)
That's totally wrong, not unexpected from you.
Wait, I didn't come here to be insulted.
Yes, you did.
It's true.
Why else would I be here?
- Hey, come, let's just have another look at my bit. - No.
Oh, go on.
Hi, Edith, um...
Aargh! Oh, no, not Wendy again.
OK.
Uh, they were, um, all set to get married
and go abroad last year but then, um,
Roger came back to live at home and he put the kibosh on everything.
Aargh!
I just don't know how they coped. I mean,
I lived with Roger for over 20 years and...
... believe you me, it felt like a life sentence.
That's... that's all over and done with now
and Roger and I, we live our own separate lives now, yeah,
although Roger, being Roger,
claims that I wouldn't have written my first book,
The Lemming Family, had he not walked out on me and the children.
Um...
To give himself credit for my success, it's... it's just...
It's... Oh, well, it's quite despicable.
But...
... that's Roger for you.
Nevertheless, I feel that kindness and generosity and forgiveness
are what really should make the world go round, um, and so I waived
the alimony payment that I was awarded from Roger
at the divorce court.
Oh, I can't stand that!
St Wendy!
She waived your alimony, you should be grateful.
Yes, but she goes on about it all the time, on and on.
I mean, most of the time, I didn't pay it anyway.
So you not having paid what you were supposed to
makes Wendy's generous gesture null and void?
Yeah, but it's not as generous as she's making it sound, is it?
- Unbelievable. - Yeah, it is.
So, uh, who else have you got to interview apart from me?
I'm not interviewing you.
What?
Huh? I... it... it's your old da?
That's right.
I'm a...
I'm a key player in this.
It's a shame we can't do Phil, he'd add a bit of grit.
Not a chance.
You see, that's what you need, Georgie, a bit of grit, a bit of action.
You know that film, The Graduate with, uh, Dustin Hoffman?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Right, that... that great scene, you know, boom,
he comes in and then stops the wedding, that's fantastic.
And... ?
Well, that's... that's what you need, you know, a bit of drama.
Eh?!
OK, thank you, Dad.
Hi, Mum, how's it going?
Oh, I wish I knew, I'm totally frazzled.
I just want to go to bed for a month.
Anything I can do?
Put the kettle on.
Phil tells me you and Wendy are... are at loggerheads over the cake.
Oh, all settled, we're having three cakes.
- Three?! - It's called triangulation: mine,
Wendy's, and neutral one for the purposes of getting our bearings.
People don't even eat the cake,
they just nibble at it out of politeness.
- Who's going to eat all this cake? - Me.
You're pulling my leg.
Never very difficult.
Mum, um...
I have been getting all these phone calls from Georgina.
Georgina?
Yes, she wants me to appear on film talking about you and Phil.
Oh, Georgie's doing the wedding video.
Of course she is.
I think that Roger's got a bit of a thing about her.
He's totally smitten.
You will keep an eye on him, won't you, Sandra? Promise me.
He's a grown man, how can I keep an eye on him?
He moves about.
Oh, perhaps we should pay him to stay in the shed.
Mum, your wedding present from Jack and me.
Oh, it's not still in its box!
You need to start using it to get the hang of it.
I will, I will, I promise.
Then you can keep tabs on Roger yourself.
Hello, Queenie, how are you?
I'm having pre-wedding nerves.
Oh, dear.
Vicariously. I know it's not my wedding.
I'm not that far gone.
Georgina tells me that you have been interviewed for her film.
Yeah, I hope I said all the right things.
Oh, so do I.
Oh, Edith.
This time next week, you'll be gone.
Oh, Queenie.
Oh, please don't.
It's not as if I'm going to another planet.
Well, you might as well be.
Listen, Sandra and Jack have bought me this new phone
and they're going to put this... this thing on it...
An app.
An... an app, so that we can see each other and... and keep in touch
whenever we like.
Oh.
- For free. - Oh, even better.
Only...
ALL: Don't tell Phil!
(MUSIC: HALLELUJAH CHORUS BY GEORGE FRIDERIC HANDEL)
- Hi, Queenie. - Hello.
Roger, could you just hover somewhere else?
You're making me nervous.
You know, your dad is really upset he hasn't been invited.
Da-da.
He'll get over it.
I wish he was here.
Roger, what is it, what's up? Where's Methuselah?
Phil confiscated him...
- ... at breakfast. - What?! No wonder you're so antsy.
It's his wedding, he's entitled.
Hello, Roger. You remember Terry, don't you?
Hi, Rog.
Oh, yeah.
- No. Roger, stop. Stop. Roger! - No.
(LOUD CHATTER)
The flowers.
Shh, shh. Shh.
(ALL GASP WITH PLEASURE)
My first marriage was a bit of a struggle,
but the rest were like falling off a log.
What the hell's she doing?
Oh, it's a surprise, she's making a video of the wedding,
it's... it's Roger's gift to us.
And we talk about free will.
I know, have you ever seen anything like it?
Bring on the clowns.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Margaret Pelham,
and I'm the registrar who has the privilege to
officiate at the wedding of Edith and Phil here this morning.
This is a simple ceremony.
I shall ask Edith and Phil to take an oath,
after which they will sign the register,
and this event will be witnessed by, uh,
Mrs Gale and Mr Dugdale.
I've got arthritis, so my signature looks like a forgery.
Don't worry, Mrs Gale, we'll know who you are.
Are we ready? I shall now state the oath.
Are you, Edith Rosemary Stevens,
free to lawfully marry Philip Robert Parton?
Stop! Wait!
I love Edith and she loves me!
This man is an impostor.
It's me and Edith should be together,
it's a terrible sin to go against destiny.
- Be warned... - Jack, Jack...
Excuse me, Sandra. Roger, get out of the way, Jack's a doctor.
- ROGER: But he's an anaesthetist. - Yes, that is a doctor.
Look, she's all right, she's fine, she's just fainted.
- Is this your doing? - What?! No, no, I swear!
I think, in the circumstances,
I... I'm going to have to consider postponing.
No! Please, absolutely not.
Careful.
No, we have to do this today, right now.
But, Edith, are you all right?
Yes, I'm perfectly all right.
Where's Phil?
- I'm here, I'm here. - Oh, where is he?
He's gone. He's gone.
- Are you all right? - Yes, I'm al...
I'm... Yes. I'm all ri... all right.
Well, if you're really sure?
- Are you? - What?
Are you really sure you want to go ahead and...
... marry me?
What?!
You deserve someone so much better than me.
Well, I do, but where would I find him?
Are you, Edith Rosemary Stevens,
free to lawfully marry Philip Robert Parton?
Yes.
(PIANO PLAYS)
Very expensive.
Well, uh, yes, but...
We're going to do something a little more sort of rock-and-roll-y.
Yes, yes.
We might go for egg and chips.
What? What are you... ?
We just want it to be a bit more low-key, I suppose...
- Yes. - ... a bit more smoochy, as well.
Yes, jazz?
We could do jazz.
(EDITH LAUGHS)
(BURPS)
(TINKLES GLASS)
Um, ladies and gentlemen, family and friends...
... approaching on yonder trolley is, uh,
an item upon which much care and attention has been lavished.
But before we remove the cover and, uh,
amaze the world, I'd like to propose a toast to the bride and groom.
Hmm.
Much love and happiness to Edith and Phil.
- Oh, Mum and Phil. Mum and Phil. - ALL: Edith and Phil.
Ah!
(ALL GASP)
Absolutely marvellous. Did you know about this?
No!
Oh, it's a Parton Mk 40, it's the best one we ever built.
Oh, well done, Sandra, brilliant.
Incredible.
This is for... for Phil and Edith.
For Edith and Phil.
Oh, God, Queenie's going to make a speech.
(PIANO BEGINS TO PLAY)
♪ Love is a many-splendored thing ♪
♪ It's the April rose that only grows in the early spring ♪
♪ Then his fingers touched her silent heart ♪
♪ And taught it how to sing ♪
♪ Yes, true love's a many-splendored thing ♪
♪ Yes, true love's a many splen... ♪
♪ A many-splendored thing... ♪
Oh, Roger!
Wow! It's just like the cake.
It's the Parton Mk 40, the best one that was ever made.
And it's our home... till we get to the Algarve.
Oh!
- Ready? - Never readier!
(CHEERING)
Look after her, Phil.
Phil!
Out!
Phil! Uh, Ph... Phil! Phil!
What's he doing?
Stop it, Roger!
Phil! Phil! Oh, oh!
♪ And now I've become with gold in great store, and then... ♪
Oh, Phil! Oh, oh! Phil!
Oh!
(HORN BLARES)
Hey, ya numpty!
- Who's that? - Oh, it's nobody.
- What does that mean? - Well, it... it... it doesn't mean anything.
Um, it's... it... it's over.
I mean... Nothing happened.
(PHONE RINGS)
Queenie!
- Who? - Oh, hello!
Edith, it's me, Queenie!
Can you see me? You've got to turn the camera bit on.
- Oh. - Oh, Phil. Oh.
- Hello, Queenie. - Have you arrived?
Uh, no, no, we're still travelling, Queenie,
but, um, right at the moment, I'm driving through a herd of aardvarks.
And, um, they're such lovely creatures,
I don't want to hurt any, so, um, I'll call you back later, OK?
Much, much later.
Sandra fixed us up with an app... so we can keep in touch.
Perfect.
- Hi. - Oh, hiya, how's it going?
Good.
The wedding stuff looks really great.
Oh, great, yeah, good, uh, did you manage to cut out all the Bob stuff?
No, no, I didn't.
For once - just once in my entire life -
turns out that my old mad dad was right.
All his nonsense, it's punched it right up.
It really works.
Oh, you told him that?
Not yet. He's been lying low.
Oh, do you know where he is?
In some bar somewhere, boasting.
Did you just make these?
Uh, yeah, yeah, I did, yeah.
Hmm, not bad.
Oh? Th...
Thanks.
So, you're quite domesticated?
I am.
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I am, yeah, when...
... when I have to be.
Um... when I try.
So, here we are, our very first sunset.
And what a sunset.
(KNOCKING)
_
Oh, yes, lovely.
It's very lovely.
_
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -