- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -
The gifted young lady didn't know what to do.
Should she fly off to Hollywood for the big audition?
Or should she stay in Toledo
for a high-school production of "Damn Yankees?"
So she asked her father.
And her father replied,
"What do you think is the right decision?"
And she answered...
I think I made a commitment...
So I probably can't break that.
Yes, children!
But what about the big audition?
Why, she taped it herself
and mailed it off to Los Angeles.
Eh, it was a long shot.
But if you don't dream...
You'll never know if your dreams can happen.
And when Kevin Williamson from the WB received the tape,
he knew he had found his star.
And the tomboy, best-friend role
of little Joey Potter on "Dawson's Creek"
would be played by Toledo's very own
- Katie Holmes. - Yay!
One, two, three, four!
Good morning, Whitlock,
and a happy Katie Holmes Day Eve to you all.
Tomorrow night the city of Toledo
will hold the annual Katie Holmes Day Pageant.
Please donate any items you can for the rummage sale.
All proceeds go to the local orphanage.
And as always, dream big.
Katie did.
Are you sure you want to give your boys away?
I think they're worth a bunch.
So who am I to keep this from happening?
Oh.
Katie provides.
♪ See the Katie, hear her sing ♪
♪ In every musical, fall and spring ♪
♪ She had a commitment she couldn't break ♪
♪ So she sent a tape ♪
I can't believe it's already Katie Holmes Eve.
I barely slept last night.
Oh, me neither! I knutted all night.
Don't you mean knit?
Yeah, past tense.
You don't say, "I digged a hole".
Anyway, I could not sleep.
And so I knutted for hours.
And usually when I knut, you know, I fall straight asleep.
But I was so excited, I just knutted again.
Sounds like me this weekend.
I don't get it.
Good morning, everybody.
Hey, where do I drop off these donations?
Oh, I'll take those.
- Yeah? Great. - Whoa, "Pieces of April".
- Nice. - Oh.
Very on-brand for our Katie Holmes Day rummage sale.
What do you mean... No. This is a real thing?
Katie Holmes Day?
You're t... so all of Toledo
is just sort of unironically celebrating an actress
who's face, you know, to be quite honest,
I have trouble remembering?
She's just like a... like a...
an adorable white girl with like a...
you know, just a face and hair and eyes.
Yeah, that's her.
Oh, my God. That's right.
You've been gone 20 years.
You don't know anything about Katie Holmes Day.
It's... it's a celebration of... of dream and wonder.
You're gonna hate it.
Happy Katie Holmes Day Eve, Jack.
Yeah.
Listen, I need the keys to the driver's ed car.
It's the base for the float in our Katie Holmes Day parade.
The student council made a replica
out of papier-mâché of the Buick
that Katie drove in high school.
Well, you know, the driver's ed car is a Buick,
so you could just drive that.
That's so funny, Jack.
Hers was a '94 with a dent in the hood.
The 2007 Buick
does not represent Katie's humble beginnings.
Okay.
A Holmes on your head.
- Nope. - Oh.
Whitlock High?
It's Mayor Wade CupsofCabbage.
I'll take it in my office.
Mayor CupsofCabbage. Hey...
Yes, you... you want me to be in the... in the pageant?
Yes... yes, it would be an honor to play Kevin Williamson,
the man who launched Katie Holmes's career.
And I will not let you down this time.
- He's giving me a second chance. - Yes!
- What if I choke? - You can do this, Ralph.
I believe in you.
It is just one line. It's ten words.
"Hello, Katie.
You are Joey Potter. Welcome to 'Dawson's Creek'".
You need to immerse yourself in this character.
For the next 24 hours, you're gonna be
a Hollywood slick hotshot.
I don't know.
Unless...
California Raisin.
Oh! I've got goose bumps!
Make me famous, Mr. Producer.
All right.
Go ahead and shut all the way up.
Where's my garbage?
We're using it as a bucket of fate.
Yeah, in one bucket, there's sweet pudding,
representing a tasty dream come true.
And in the other, a baby crab...
its pinchers, a stark reminder
that chasing your dreams can hurt.
Got it.
Sweet chocolate pudding!
Papa's gonna be a backup singer for Lizzo!
Guys.
Ah, I got to say.
This holiday is, uh... and I don't say this lightly...
bonkers.
Point, counterpoint, Mr. Griffin,
it's actually not.
Yeah.
At 8:47 tomorrow night,
you kiss someone on the forehead
because that's when Katie had the talk with her wise dad
which he ended with a forehead kiss.
Right.
The entire holiday culminates in a glorious pageant.
I've always wanted to play Katie Holmes,
- and I think this is the year. - Oh.
And we make wish lists addressed
to Katie in Hollywood,
put them in our shoes,
and leave them in our front porches.
And the next morning,
there's a fresh blueberry muffin in each shoe.
So shoe muffins.
Got it. Yeah.
And you all do this?
Oh. Not me.
I don't celebrate Katie Holmes Day.
Oh, finally, a sane person.
My family celebrates Jamie Farr Day.
My dad says that's Toledo's original top celebrity.
So there's also a Klinger from "MASH" holiday.
A world without Katie Holmes Day
is a world I don't want to live in.
I like the sound of that.
Tell me more of these traditions.
- Sorry I'm late. - Damn, girl.
- A 55-inch flat screen TV? - Oh...
That is gonna bring in so much money.
Forget porridge.
Those orphans are about to have some
- R-r-r-r-regular soup. - Okay!
Uh, actually, this is...
A gift from an angel.
That is so sweet.
But it... it's not a big deal.
- And she's humble. - Mm.
Amazing.
- Mommy Warbucks. - Mm-hmm.
A regular Mother Toledo.
Oh.
Yes.
- Yeah... oh, good. - _
- Very good. - _
- Yes. - _
I'd like to believe you have a genuine interest
in this beloved holiday,
but your maniacal cackling
has made me fear you're planning something nefarious.
Your fears are...
completely founded.
Oh, I just thought of another tradition.
It's the one where people who don't love the holiday
just don't participate,
and let the ones that really [BLEEP] love it enjoy it.
Can we swear now?
Oh, shut up. Shut up.
Shut up, everybody. Shut up.
Oh, Mayor CupsofCabbage, what a pleasant surprise.
I'm sorry. Come again.
And a-a third time, 'cause it's insane.
I see.
I don't think that's coming off.
That dumb-ass mayor cast me
as the lame WB assistant in the stupid pageant
for the sixth year in a row.
Well, to be fair, you do give off strong assistant vibes.
Just once I want to be Katie
and say the big final line.
It's bullshit.
That's one A-word, one F-word,
and one B-S-H word.
Guys, Marissa's right, all right?
This holiday is a complete sham.
Mr. Griffin, is it fair to say
that you have an especially large chip on your shoulder
because a Toledoan from your peer group
went on to achieve her dreams and you're, you know, here?
No, Marcus.
My problem is that you all believe
a doe-eyed actress can make your dreams come true.
It doesn't work that way. W-w-watch.
Please, Katie Holmes,
let me spend five more minutes with my dead mother.
Did she... is she here? My mother, is she here?
Oh, she isn't? Yeah... No, Because it doesn't work.
Well, give her time.
She has thousands of homes to visit.
Marissa...
we're gonna destroy Katie Holmes Day.
Holy shit ass dick fart.
Let's do this.
_
Ralph, the football team wants real energy drinks.
They figured out that Gatorade Clear's just water.
That's it.
A football show.
I can see it now.
Oh, pwetty pwease,
can I be in your sports show?
I'm your spoiled daughter
that benefits from your success.
- Come on. - Oh, of course, princess.
Give me some of that sugar that Daddy likes.
Oh. Mwah!
This feels like an HR trap.
Oh. For reals?
An old Garfield phone?
Mary, can you believe this?
Uh, I cannot, Stephanie.
Considering this queen right here
just donated a flat screen TV
for the Katie Holmes Day rummage sale.
I think the phone's fun.
Hello, Garfield? Oh, well, it's me, an orphan.
Oh, you love lasagna? Funny.
I've never had lasagna, and I never will
because we didn't raise any damn money
with your sorry-ass phone.
Oh, and I am encouraged. Who's next?
Do me. Do me!
I brought stained Tupperware. Ooh.
Give it to me.
You said I'd be a star.
You lied to me, Daddy.
It was never you. It was these pills!
Hey. Can you sign off on payroll?
Intern, you're the star now.
Not sure what this is, but...
I am in.
Step aside, sister.
♪ Well, it's a big old trolley ♪
♪ Coming around the bend ♪
And feast your peepers on something you never had...
talent!
Faster.
Ha ha! Yes.
Oh, who we got up next?
I drew this.
It's, uh, Catty Holmes from "Pawson's Creek".
Oh, wow. Dave, we love it.
Yeah? Really?
This is original art. It's really good.
We're gonna frame it
and give it directly to the orphans
and bring a little joy into their lives.
Really?
Hell, no! Boom!
And that is our time, all right?
So feel free to join us tomorrow
at the rummage sale
and come and witness the chump change
that your crappy-ass donations will surely bring in.
Yeah.
Ooh, ooh.
And stick around for our first-ever live auction,
where you'll get the opportunity to make a bid
on the greatest donation of all time.
You know what it is?
This TV right here!
Yeah...
No, no, no! No.
Oh, I-I got it. I-I want to carry it myself.
Uh, for the children.
Okay.
Legs!
Good morning, Whitlock.
In honor of Katie Holmes Day,
I am going to climb in through this window,
just like Katie did on "Dawson's Creek".
So... here we go.
Okay. Oh.
Okay. Ah.
Ow, my keys! Oh, God.
Okay. Okay.
Oh, my God.
Well, I come bearing bad news.
The school's Buick float for the Katie Day parade
has been stolen.
So, instead, I ask all of you
to walk in the parade arm in arm.
Let's make tonight the best Katie Holmes Day pageant ever!
Well, looks like someone unwittingly made
the holiday even more heartwarming.
Oh, don't worry. There's so much more coming.
Last night my shoes were stolen from my porch.
And lo, not two, but three muffins.
No, no.
No, you said that you put the wishes in the shoes,
and then Katie turns the wishes into muffins.
Ergo, no shoes, no muffins.
♪ See the Katie ♪
♪ Hear her sing ♪
- ♪ And every musical ♪ - Yo.
The jug band's singing a capella.
They sound smooth as hell.
Jug, you know that new sound you've been looking for?
Well, listen to this.
Another miracle.
Mr. Griffin, may we go bask in their newfound glory?
Feel free to leave my class at any time for any reason.
We took everything, and the day came.
It came just the same.
I'm gonna have to play WB assistant
and say that stupid line the rest of my life.
What exactly is your line?
"Mr. Williamson will see you now".
So, if Katie doesn't meet with Mr. Williamson,
then her dreams don't come true, and...
if her dreams don't come true...
Then there's no Katie Holmes Day.
Yeah.
Well, hey, now. We all know why we're here.
Please give it up for Michelle Patricia Jones
and her donation of...
This TV right here!
I'm dead.
I'm dead. I'm dead.
We will start the bidding at $500.
Ooh, okay. We have $500.
Now do I see a $550?
$550 from Where's Waldo over there.
And, Waldo, hey. I see you, okay?
$550 going once.
Going twice...
$600!
Okay... ladies and gentlemen, I do not believe this.
But this queen right here is bidding on her own donation!
$700!
$750!
$1,000!
$1,000 of my own money.
Sold!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A blessed day.
I just bought this holiday classic
at the rummage sale.
And much to my surprise,
the tape inside... it's an old home video.
Might you have the movie
I so graciously purchased for $1.50?
Nope.
Now, if you could so graciously get out of my way,
- I've got a pageant to destroy. - Wait a minute.
That's no way to speak to a fellow Toledoan
on Katie Holmes Day.
Okay, you big baby man. You want your money?
There's your money.
I don't want money.
I want "Pieces of April".
I don't know what to tell you, man.
_
Hey, how'd you know where I...
live?
Hi, Jacky.
I just wanted to wish you good luck
at the science fair tomorrow.
And I am so sorry that I'm going to missing it.
I want you to know that you are a brilliant, talented,
beautiful boy.
And I have no doubt that you're going to do great.
And you'll definitely beat
that bullying mouth-breather Greg Miller.
I mean, he's probably gonna present another potato clock.
He did.
I'm so proud of you.
I love you, Jacky.
I'll be damned.
You gave me five more minutes with my mom.
It's all real.
I got to save Katie Holmes Day.
So that was Katie's bedroom right up there.
- Up there? - Yeah.
Hey, yo, yo, yo. Here they come.
Here they come.
Please stop.
The Holmes family no longer lives here.
We are the Goodmans.
If we knew this would happen,
we never would have bought this house.
Seriously, stop!
Please don't put us through this again.
My condition has worsened.
Please, go away!
All right. Coming through, everybody.
Happy Katie Holmes Day. Yeah.
Okay, this is it. You got this.
There's no Durbin. It's only Kevin.
Hi, I'm Katie Holmes.
I'm here to meet with Mr. Williamson.
Mr. Williamson will...
Not see you right now. He's out.
All right, coming through, coming through.
All right, here we go. Coming through, guys.
- Watch it. - Okay, coming through.
But we have a meeting.
Mm, he's at lunch. Go back home.
But I think I can see him.
Oh, ring, ring.
Hello. Mm.
- Actually I just found out. - Uh...
Kevin Williamson's dead.
"Dawson's Creek" is canceled.
Bah-bye.
- Marissa, why? - Don't do this!
Let her meet him!
Hello, everybody.
Yeah... no, I'm, um...
I'm Mr. Williamson's doctor.
And he's very much alive.
And, yeah, he's ready to meet Katie.
Ring, ring. Oh.
Just found out. I'm the boss of Hollywood now.
And my first act as queen is to banish Katie Holmes.
Please reconsider, Your Highness!
So, look, I've been trying to ruin Katie Holmes Day.
I ran around all of last night
stealing children's shoes.
Wow, it sounds insane when I say it out loud.
Uh, but worst of all,
I convinced this sweet, young girl here to st...
No, not you.
I don't why she's... I don't... I don't even know you.
Yeah... no, I-I convinced Marissa here
to stop believing in her dreams.
Then I experienced the magic of Katie Holmes Day myself.
You know, I had a dream, and my dream came true.
And... and sure, you know.
Big dreams can be a bit of a mirage, you know?
Often planted in our capitalist minds
- by greedy corporations who... - You're losing us!
Bottom line, um,
Marissa's dream has always been to play Katie Holmes.
And you think it would be all right
if Marissa said the final line?
Oh, that's great.
Okay, here we go.
Uh, Mr. Williamson, your 3:00 is here.
Katie, you are Joey Potter. Welcome to "Dawson's Creek".
He did it.
The sweet son of a bitch did it.
Mr. Williamson, I have something to tell you.
When the camera is rolling,
I'll be this Joey Potter.
But when you say "cut",
I will return to and always be
Toledo's very own Katie Holmes.
♪ I don't want to wait ♪
♪ For our lives to be over ♪
♪ I want to know right now ♪
Hey, everyone look! It's 8:47!
♪ I don't want to wait ♪
♪ For our lives to be over ♪
Mwah!
Aww.
Oh.
Hey.
Oh.
Oh!
Mom, this year can you kiss my forehead?
Eat your beans.
♪ On the rainy front step ♪
♪ Wearing shrapnel in his skin ♪
I hoped you'd come around to it.
But I didn't think you'd make it a whole holiday special.
Just...
♪ Lives inside him still ♪
♪ It's so hard to be gentle and warm ♪
♪ The years passed by ♪
♪ And now he has granddaughters ♪
♪ I don't want to wait for our lives... ♪
Katie continued,
"When you say 'cut', I will return to and always be
Toledo's very own Katie Holmes".
"Granted, I won't always be playing Joey Potter.
So, when I'm doing another character,
the same rule applies.
When the camera's rolling, I am that character.
But when they yell 'cut',
I'm Katie Holmes from Toledo, Ohio!"
Okay, orphans. Off to bed.
And tomorrow we'll be enjoying a feast of muffins,
thanks to a large amount of money
Whitlock High School raised for us.
Yay!
- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -