Where are you from? France?
- Where you from? - Azerbaijan.
Azerbe where?
Continental cuisine or what?
Well, it's just...
when the FA drug testing lot come in earlier,
well, you looked like you was gonna have a heart attack.
Well...
I don't know, I've never seen them before.
Well, you wouldn't mind giving me a sample, then. Just so I can be sure.
You want to give me a piss test?
We have reason to believe you have illegal immigrants in your employ at Cocoons.
This is ridiculous. I was assured they had paperwork.
A certain documentary featuring your establishment has raised a few suspicions, sir.
- Don't rush me, Conrad. - See?
That's the second time you've suggested there's something to rush.
Just piss, God damn it!
They... They said it would help the stamina.
Right, I'll get onto an agency as soon as it's office hours.
See if I can get a couple of kitchen porters here by 10:00.
- And maybe some specialist cleaners. - No point.
That gobby Scouse cow has blown us out of the water before we even got going.
Shit!
Hey, it's not like you to throw in the towel.
We can do this.
Look, Shannon's a dizzy kid, that's all.
She hasn't ruined us, or this place.
We're bigger than that.
I trusted you with the management of this place
and you go and screw it up.
The financiers were right.
This place needs a proper manager, not some dumb-arse housewife at the helm.
Miss Bailey.
Read it and weep.
Front.
Jesus.
People-smuggling, illegal immigrants, slave labour.
This is crap, Miss Bailey, I swear.
The duty manager hired all the staff, didn't he, Luce?
That's right.
I've done some damage limitation.
This is only in the first editions and TV and radio have been warned off.
I could have stopped it all together if you'd had the sense to call me.
You'll have to shut down while there's an investigation.
Open again quietly when it's all blown over.
What? I've got investors to think about. I got to keep the tills open.
No! You've got to keep your head down.
Hazel's right.
What the hell do you know about it, you stupid bitch?
Nothing, sorry.
Looks like she knows when to back off.
LUCY: He's just stressed.
That's his excuses, is it?
Well, if he gets stressed when I drop him from the team...
you come to me, love.
Oh...
and don't wear that whisky aftershave to training, mate,
or it'll happen sooner rather than later.
73, 74,
75, 76,
- 77... - What's going on?
Seb wanted to do some extra training so, as his doting father,
I thought I'd get up and give him a hand. Isn't that right, Seb?
Yeah, one in a million.
Well, seeing we're all up, why don't I do us all a nice breakfast?
- Seb? - ROGER: No.
Seb's on a special regime, I'll fix his breakfast.
Suit yourselves.
I'll see if I can get more of a conversation out of Paddy.
Right, where were we?
Why don't you just start again, eh? Go on, one.
Two, put your back into it.
I reckon you can still get out of this documentary lark, Shan.
I signed a contract.
They need four more half-hours and, besides, I don't want to get out of it.
Do you think glasses would make me look intelligent?
I doubt it.
I mean, it's not as if we need the money.
Can't you just use some of the stuff you've already got?
No way.
Yeah, well, just make sure you don't say something you shouldn't.
Hey, I was doing Bruno a favour.
Anyone else would be grateful for the publicity.
It's not my fault he gets his staff from the Channel Tunnel.
You should have belted him after what he said to me.
That's not how it works, Shan.
Anyone would think I was doing this for my benefit.
- And you're not? - No.
I'm a role model.
I've been lucky. Got myself a nice life.
So I'm giving summat back. Letting people in.
Yeah, but it's not just your life, though, is it, Shan?
And besides, maybe not everybody wants to be on telly.
Now you're just being stupid.
Drink that.
- What is it? - Breakfast.
- Oh, it's disgusting. - Good.
- Give us my piss back, I'd rather drink that. - Drink it.
You're not still on your sergeant major routine, are you?
- Mind your own business. - I don't wanna drink it.
I'm not surprised, looks like sick.
Look, you might've been happy to turn Kyle into a spoilt little brat,
but it ain't going to happen to my son, right?
Excuse me.
Jackie.
Jackie!
CONRAD: Just like old times.
AMBER: The sex might be.
So where does that leave us? You, me and Phoenix?
Conrad, I'm still trying to find strength within myself.
Wounds don't just heal overnight.
What more can I do to prove I love you?
- What, like you loved Tanya? - Amber.
Look, Conrad, you can't just wave a magic wand
and expect us to live happily ever after as if none of that shit happened.
I better go. I'll be late for training.
I'll see you later, yeah?
Bloody club means everything to you, doesn't it?
Tattoos, Tanya, training.
- I'll always be second. - That's not fair.
Well, I've got my own career going on right now, Conrad.
And, no, I can't meet you later.
I've got a single to promote.
We had a fantastic evening.
Look, I'm not saying that I don't want you around.
All I'm saying is, from now on, I'm calling the shots.
So when did you actually become involved in the campaign?
Well, it's all charity, isn't it?
If I'm asked to do something, I'll always try and squeeze it in.
And will you be ado...
Will you be adopting a granny yourself?
Maybe.
The important thing is, is that the old people here don't think I'm just some...
faceless face off the telly.
I'm really down to earth, just like them,
except, younger and richer.
Let's take a look at the minibus.
What minibus?
The one that you're here to present.
Oh, yeah, yeah, right. Sound.
Shannon, could I have you against the side of the minibus?
Yeah.
You get in the middle. Who's got the ribbon? Amy, you've got the ribbon, haven't you?
There we go. All right.
- Hey, where do you think you're going? - Training.
Good, but you're coming training with me.
And afterwards, you're coming straight home, with me.
The piss test is just the beginning.
From now on, I wanna know where you are 24/7.
I don't know if I can put up with much more of this.
This is day one, mate.
You got a long way to go before I learn to trust you again.
Kiss for your dad.
Be a good girl, yeah?
- Bye. - Bye.
I hate the fact that cow's got one over on me.
- Who? - Hazel Bailey.
And I could do without you making me look stupid in front of her and all.
Look, we can always rein ourselves in a bit.
If push comes to shove, we can sell this place and scale down.
You saying I can't provide for you now?
All I'm saying is, we don't have to stay here if we get strapped for cash.
Really?
Well, how about I stop your allowance and freeze your bank accounts?
How about that for starters?
- You promised me things were going to change. - Yeah.
That was when I thought I could trust you.
I give you everything you want, including a job at the club, and you go and cock it up.
Perhaps you should forget about the club, there are other things in life.
You don't get it, do you?
I'm Bruno Milligan.
I've got, what, two, three years max left in this game and then what?
Managing some poxy third division side? I don't think so.
I just meant that none of this stuff matters.
It matters to me. I'm not going to end up a nobody!
If you don't understand that, you're even more stupid than I thought.
If you ever spout any of that shit again, then that will be your face.
Yes, Harley.
Yes!
- Nice one. - Cheers, mate.
(Whistle blowing)
All right, that's it, lads. Hit the showers. I'll see you in the changing room in ten.
And, Seb. No one likes a show-off.
Just forget about it.
Had a fight with your dad or something?
Well, what about the blue-eyed boy?
- He's on the bench, he ain't ready. - He was ready last week.
It was a one off, Hazel. He did good. I mean, he's got in the squad,
but that doesn't automatically get him in the starting line up.
He's looking like the best thing we've got right now.
Hazel, no disrespect,
but how about you do your job and let me do mine, eh?
I bought him for you.
What are you doing? Keeping him for special occasions?
Listen, he's got to pay his dues, all right? I want to keep him hungry.
Let him know how lucky he is to be here. Hazel, I know how to bring him on.
I hope so. Because I just don't buy...
I also sell and sack.
I thought we were going on a day out, not twice round the block.
Sorry, I thought you knew. It was just for the photos.
Thank you for nothing. Just dump us off and forget all about us.
We're only a heap of old rubbish.
Shannon, this doesn't look very good, does it?
I've got an idea. Get them back on the bus. We're gonna give them their bloody outing.
- No, they're due their lunch. - We'll get them sarnies.
Right, back on board, everyone!
Well, I needed a song that really reflected where I am right now in my life.
The sophistication of western culture meets the spirituality of the east.
And also showing that we all have the potential
to do anything we want as women.
Blokes can't just use us, you know.
The voice of experience. Listen to you, Amber.
Come on, did you get involved in the lyrics yourself?
Oh, absolutely. I mean, I've been through a period in my life
where I've had to draw on a terrific amount of inner strength
and I hope that comes through in Bhangra Booty.
Well, I don't know if that does, but it's certainly got a great beat.
A very punchy beat. I can imagine all the kids shaking their booty around to this one.
Well, I like to think it'll appeal to all ages.
Well, we'll have to wait and see. Let's get it on the radio.
Here is brand-new Amber and it's Bhangra Booty.
(Song starts playing)
# Western lady... #
Lucy, left back. Austin, centre back. Miles, in goal.
Everybody else, on the bench. Is that clear?
Is that clear?
ALL: Yes, Boss. ROGER: Excellent.
(Clearing throat)
Bad luck, mate. You deserve a place. Especially with Fry and Alexander still out.
- We need you. - I know.
Well, why's he got such a down on you?
Maybe he's scared of what people are talking about.
Having favourites and all that lot. I can't win.
- Yeah, well, see you later, yeah? - Yeah.
I think you're being a bit unfair not fielding Seb.
Have I missed something? What, are you player manager now, are you?
No, but I'm the captain.
Whatever is going on between you two, he should be playing.
Well, thank you, Captain. Your comments have been noted.
You're picking on Seb and all the lads have noticed it, and it's bad for morale.
But nobody is allowed to say anything 'cause you're the boss.
That's about the size of it, Gates. Don't you forget it.
Any more questions?
You know, they all think you've lost it.
Yeah, and they all think you're clean
and I'm getting it in the neck 'cause you're a junkie.
- And I'm covering for you. - One mistake.
And you're gonna learn your lesson and if you don't like it, go back to your mother.
FOX: So are there any messages in this, Amber?
AMBER: Well, I've been hurt by people who said they were one thing
and turned out to be something else.
FOX: Very profound. AMBER: Yeah.
AMBER: All I'm saying is be true to your real self.
Whoever you are, whatever you are, just be true to yourself.
Amber, it's Lucy. Yeah, fancy meeting up today?
Oh, I'd love to but, well, I've overrun at the radio station.
Can't keep Heat magazine waiting, can I? Thank you.
- Shannon. - Hey, Luce.
Yeah, now's not a good time.
You're not gonna believe this but I'm on a bus full of old people.
Yeah, see you later.
SHANNON: Here you go.
Oh, thank you, dear.
We really are very grateful. So kind of you.
Shannon!
Hi, Harley. I brought a few friends round. I hope you don't mind.
- What's going on? - Adopt-a-Granny Week.
They were promised the day out but it was all a con. So I saved the day.
Well, what's wrong with Southend or Alton-bloody-Towers?
They piss themselves on a bit of bumpy road, never mind a white knuckle ride.
Come here.
Hello? Yeah.
Yeah, I just need someone to talk to.
My name's Lucy...
BRUNO: What the hell do you know about it, you stupid bitch?
How about I stop your allowance and freeze your bank accounts?
How about that for starters?
I give you everything you want. You don't get it, do you?
You're more stupid than I thought.
If you ever spout any of that shit again, then that will be your face.
You don't know the value of things. You're a joke.
You don't know the value of things.
(Screaming)
Thought you might like a drink.
No, thanks.
Don't worry. He's at a meeting with H.
Cheers.
- Look, what's this all about? - You tell me.
I've never seen him like this.
It's like no matter what I do...
I'm never gonna be good enough for him.
Come on, love.
Look, I know your dad can be stubborn sometimes but he's on your side, you know.
He only wants what's best for you.
That's why he left me and my mum. He hates me.
Oi.
Now, you listen to me, Seb Webb, that is a load of rubbish.
I've had my ups and downs with Kyle but it doesn't mean I don't love him.
And I'm sure your dad feels the same about you.
Does he?
At least you're different.
- Eh? - Well...
I mean, I can see why he married you.
- It's been a pleasure, mate. - That was lovely.
I think I'm a little bit squiffy.
- Yeah, I'm sure you are. - Thank you.
See you later.
See you.
Thank God for that.
I prefer to have the place to ourselves than it look like an old folks holiday resort.
- Not quite, Har. - What do you mean?
- You know I said Adopt-a-Granny Week? - Yeah?
Well, we have.
This is Mrs Birkeham.
But you can call me Nan. Cheers.
(Door closing)
- Hi, guys. How was school, Angelica? - Very good.
I had an accident. I'm sorry.
Angelica, why don't you go upstairs and get changed
while Mummy and I have a little talk, eh?
That's a good girl.
I'm sorry.
If I can't trust you to stay at home and clean the house...
What do I have to do, eh?
- Lock you in a room while I'm not here? - Bruno, please.
What? You think I'm all talk and no action?
Well, do you?
Tell me why I shouldn't walk out that door right now.
Do it, sweetheart, but you'd be walking out alone.
All right, love. Where's Seb?
Where do you think? In the gym where you left him.
- You know, he was in tears to me earlier. - Sap.
Come on, Roger, you're just being a bully.
Is that what you think I am, is it? A bully?
- Do you? - No.
But he gets enough of you being a manager at work.
If only you knew.
- I think you're letting it all get on top of you. - What?
Like a glass of juice.
No, sorry about that.
You know, I've got my work cut out keeping him in line as it is
without you taking his side and all.
I just don't like the way you're treating him.
I admit, I've not had a lot of practice at this full-time dad thing, have I?
Then ease up a little, darling, eh? For Christ's sake.
You're gonna have a heart attack.
Look, why don't you take him down the pub?
Yeah, yeah, maybe you're right.
Hey, Seb. I was just saying to Jacks, I think you and me deserve a pint.
Did you come up with that yourself?
You what?
Thanks for your thoughts, Jackie.
Pity it didn't occur to my old man first.
- Seb. - Spare me the father-son crap.
You little bastard.
Going down the pub with you wasn't exactly top of my list either.
Yeah, so why bother?
Conrad.
Amber.
I hope you don't mind, I just... I've just come round to see you and Phoenix.
No, of course not.
So...
did you hear my song being played on the radio today?
Twice. It's fantastic, I'm so proud of you.
(Groaning)
What's wrong?
Conrad!
It's all right, I'm just gonna...
Thanks for coming, Doctor, and so quickly.
Svetlana will show you out.
- Goodbye. - Bye.
You're a bloody idiot.
The doctor said you could have killed yourself.
I did it to prove my love for you and Phoenix.
Be worth it if it brings us back together.
I do love you, Amber.
I just want us to be a family again.
What do you say?
(Sighing)
Well,
I suppose I'll have to take you back, won't I?
I mean, who's gonna want you now with my name scrawled all over you?
Is it a Webb family trait being so bloody-minded?
Thanks for doing what you did anyway.
I appreciate it.
It's a pleasure.
Didn't like to see you looking so miserable. I just thought I could help.
You did.
I...
I don't know why you care so much.
Right. It's getting late.
You don't want your dad on your case tomorrow.
Good night, Seb.
Jackie.
Sweet dreams.
Oh, sweetheart, have you wet the bed again?
Come with Mummy, we'll clean you up, we'll change the bed
and then we can snuggle up together, okay?
- Okay. - Yeah. Come on.
That's great.
Yeah, hand up.
Great. Look here. Keep your eyes up.
Okay, can we change the jacket?
Whoa, what's that?
I've got to get a shot of this.
Look out the other way.
- Thanks for the invite. - No worries.
- Thought you could do with a bit of light relief. - Yeah, thanks.
At the moment, Angelica's limited to pony talk and Bruno doesn't really...
How are you and Bruno?
Fine.
You can trust me, Lucy.
I'm a mate.
And what you tell mates goes no further.
What you on about?
You tell me.
He just seems to be under a lot of pressure.
- Madame. - Cristal.
Cocoon has really got to him.
But he won't accept he's taking too much on.
And he's taking it out on you.
- His bark's worse than his bite. - So you admit he does bite.
H, you've got him wrong.
I know he's got a fiery temper but he does love me.
- You must have seen that. - Oh, I've seen it all right.
You don't have to worry about me.
Off the pitch, at home, he is the perfect father and husband.
As long as you're happy behind closed doors.
You know, I mean, sometimes I get a bit lonely.
Who doesn't?
But it's nice to have little get-togethers like this, isn't it?
Exactly.
Listen, Bruno and I have been thinking of having people around for a while.
So why not make it tonight?
Then you can see what he's really like off the football pitch.
Great!
Good to see you proving your old man wrong.
Well, I'm not just going to play my best for him to have a go at me.
Good for you.
My PA in Brentwood's been cancelled tonight.
How about I pack Lucy off to her mum's with Angelica?
Think we could all do with letting our hair down, what do you say?
Just try and stop me. Anything to get out of our house.
And you, Sebo? Or has Daddy grounded you?
I reckon I'm up for a night out.
Might affect your performance.
- Don't want you losing your golden boy status. - I don't think one night would hurt.
What is it with you lot? Am I the only one with a happy home life or what?
Well, the bar's fully stocked.
I don't know, mate. I'll see what Amber's up to.
You want to get yourself some balls, mate.
Bruno's asked me over for a lads' night tonight.
Conrad, Harley and me. A bit of pool.
No chance.
No.
I thought not.
No harm in asking, eh?
- You got it. - Give him a break, Roger.
It's not like he's asking to go out clubbing or anything.
- Love, please. - Oh, sorry.
Oi, Seb.
Look, call it time off for good behaviour, but no drinking.
I'll ring Milligan first and make sure he knows that.
No.
Of course, thanks.
How was training?
Some of the lads are coming over later.
Thought I better open the doors here seeing as Cocoon's closed.
At least they won't be drinking anywhere else, eh?
How weird. I've invited some of the girls over, too.
Just a spur of the moment thing.
Well, you better un-invite them, then. Tell them to go to Shannon's.
You seem to think she can throw a good party.
So...
do you want me to tell Hazel Bailey her invite's just been cancelled or will you?
Shit, Lucy.
I don't want that stupid bitch anywhere near this place.
You need her on-side.
I saw her at lunch.
You've been meeting her behind my back?
She called me and invited me to lunch.
She's worried about me.
What's she worried about? What have you been telling her?
Hazel's just putting two and two together and drawing her own conclusions.
And I hope you shitting well put her straight?
Of course I did.
I told her there's nothing to worry about.
'Cause there isn't.
Is there?
Hey.
So the whole world knows we're back together then.
Looks like it.
Conrad and the lovely Amber.
Unexpected but, as ever, a delight.
Welcome to the lads' night in.
I'm sure we can find something to amuse ourselves without spoiling your fun, boys.
Don't want to drink your cellar dry.
Only '86? We got the '82 in the cellar.
But this is for drinking, not admiring.
Where do you want us, Lucy?
- Come on, Shan, we're already late. - Just checking she's comfortable.
I'll say she is. Feet well under the table.
Don't be nasty, she's old.
- She reminds me of me own nan. - Was she a pain in the arse and all?
- She goes Monday. - Yeah.
Even if I've got to drag her out myself.
Shannon!
- What now? - How do you use the cooker?
- I'd like to make myself some porridge. - You what?
- You go back to bed, I'll bring it up to you. - No way!
It's Erika and the crew's night off. We're out of here.
- She's hungry. - Make yourself a sandwich, then.
Do you know how to use a knife?
Listen, Bruno,
I want to say sorry if it was me that caused all the bother at the club.
- It's just that Lucy said to go wherever and I... - Hey, you weren't to know.
We didn't even know ourselves.
So, you're not in trouble with police or anything?
Listen, those guys were working without permits.
Nothing really to do with me.
Just means I have to be a bit more careful when I'm hiring and firing in the future.
- Cocoon will be up and running in no time. - I'm glad to hear it.
Come on through.
Take a seat. Let me get you a glass of wine, yeah?
Sorry I'm late.
The old lady me and Harley have adopted didn't settle.
Excuse me?
You've adopted an old lady?
Only for a week, like.
She's dead nice.
I'm all for charitable causes, Shannon,
but washing some smelly old wrinkly?
Please.
- Or do you leave that to Harley? - HARLEY: Give over.
We'll all be old one day, Hazel.
So, Luce, what's with the dinner?
Well, with Cocoon closed
we thought we should have you all round. Didn't we, Luce?
Not that I'll be competing with your cooking.
Excellent, Lucy.
You keep your talents very well hidden.
BRUNO: It's called growing up, Seb.
You learn not to show off.
- There you are, Shannon. - Thanks.
Right, I think a game of snooker's in order.
- Lads? - Great.
- Shout if you need me. - Of course we will, sweetheart.
I'm so glad Bruno's not still mad at me after the documentary.
Of course he's not.
It's just a good job you didn't bring the cameras here.
And what's a party without a police raid?
Or some well-oiled studs carrying the family jewels.
Oh, don't remind me. It was enough to send me into labour.
Hey, I could always give them a call if you fancy an encore.
Bruno would have a fit.
Oh, what? Like he's never gone to Stringfellows?
AMBER: Or checked porn online.
Harley doesn't need anyone but me.
AMBER: Aw.
You mean, you've never caught him searching the worldwide web?
Have you ever thought of going in one of those chatrooms?
What? Emailing some nut who's tossing himself off?
They're not all nutters, Shannon.
Either that or total saddos with no mates.
Oi, you should try it before you knock it.
In fact...
I've got just the thing to get those juices flowing, girls.
Seb, what are you having?
Harvey Wallbanger? Manhattan?
Just a Coke.
That was a test. And you pass, good boy.
Your dad had a word.
Now, if you want a scoop of ice cream in it...
- I'm only joking. - Yeah, Webbsie's not.
No. I'm gonna make sure his rules are adhered to in this house.
In loco parentis.
What does that mean?
It means your dad's a nutter.
No, it means I'm entrusted with your well-being 'cause your dad's not here.
Talk about paranoid control freak.
I wouldn't worry too much, mate. It's only a bevvie.
It's more of a suggestion than a rule.
That's not how I understood it.
Well, I won't tell Dad if you won't.
You see, that's exactly the sort of dilemma I was hoping to avoid.
- Now, if it was up to me... - Are we gonna play or what?
How about me and Harley v you two?
Webbsie can boss us around later.
I don't want you topping up your glass every five minutes while I'm not looking.
Nice shot, mate.
Just in case.
Well...
hello, Mr Cool.
It's your lucky night.
Four women just desperate
to be rescued.
You better make that three.
Three.
Great.
Best of three?
You better get a grip.
(Laughing)
AMBER: Oh, what is that?
Christ knows what's so funny.
Lucy doesn't normally have a sense of humour.
Must be laughing at Shannon, eh?
Oh, shit!
HARLEY: Great, Seb. BRUNO: Idiot.
Not bad for a night off.
Double or quits, eh?
Save your money. I know when to call it a night.
Hey, listen. You better come home with us, mate. You can't drive home like that.
Hey, I'm okay. I'll drive myself.
I promised your dad I'd look after you.
- I'll keep out of his way. - Well, make sure you do, eh?
(Women laughing)
BRUNO: Why is this door locked?
- Lucy? Lucy, open the door. - All right, all right.
All right, I'm just finding the key.
Just 'cause you blokes have run out of steam don't mean we have.
(Hazel laughing)
Conrad, look at this.
(Conrad laughing)
CONRAD: You should have let us enjoy the show, too.
HAZEL: Don't worry, Conrad, you didn't miss much.
AMBER: You probably had more fun playing snooker.
I feel sick.
Bruno, better be careful Lucy doesn't come back for more.
So this is how you get your kicks, is it?
Looking at cheap porn in my house.
What must they think of us.
It wasn't porn.
What is it then, Lucy?
'Cause I doubt very much we'll be showing it at Angelica's birthday party.
It was just a bit of fun.
Bit of fun.
I wanted a wife who was sophisticated, elegant.
Somebody who'd make me proud.
You disgust me.
I don't think we had as much fun as you lot.
- Sounded like a hen night in there. - Yeah, it was a laugh.
- I missed you, though. - Did you?
- Yeah. - Did you?
Yeah.
Harley!
(Knocking)
I don't believe this.
Do you know what time it is?
It's nearly midnight.
I've been worried sick.
Oh, that's awfully sweet of you, Nan, but we're okay.
You go to bed.
I'll say good night then.
- Good night, Mrs Birkeham. - Good night, Mrs Birkeham.
I've told you, it's "nan".
She goes Monday.
(Door banging shut)
You didn't drive home in that state?
You stupid idiot!
- Where's Dad? - In the shower.
You better get to your room before he gets out.
Come on, get off me! He'll be down in a minute.
I think we got time for this.
You are drunk, I'm telling your dad.
No, you won't.
MAN: You look just like you described. Better.
What were you expecting. That I was gonna be 20 stone or something?
Seb, this...
Shut your gob!
You can't just pass the buck, Boss!
If I ever hear you spouting shit like that...
- This is behind closed doors. - Yeah?
Well, so is this.
Oi!