Dad, you look especially old today.
Thanks, Soph. Sleep is an old friend I've lost touch with.
Barack Obama ran the free world
and he only sleeps five, five, hours a night, Greg.
Comparing me to Barack Obama is not helping.
OK, she's getting used to sleeping in her room without Sophie.
It is just a phase.
It's easy for you to say. I'm doing all the heavy lifting.
Well, I'm working. I need my sleep.
And parenting doesn't require rest?
- You can nap during the day. - I'm not a baby. I don't nap.
Well, not today anyway.
I have to organise school prizes for the trivia night.
You didn't have to challenge Luna to a prize-off.
Oh, my God.
She has just locked in a deluxe car service at Automoto!
I know, Em. I have eyes. I can see.
That is her third prize this morning.
I will do better.
I just need you to entertain Chloe and keep her awake.
She really needs to sleep tonight.
- Absolutely. - Thank you.
- As soon as I get home from work. - What?
- You ready, Soph? - Work? It's Saturday.
Oh, it's great working Saturdays. I get time and a half.
Do you get time and a half?
Greg, I have my big pitch for Audrey today.
Oh, come on.
I have been excited about this all week.
Next time you see me, I will be brandishing my second book deal.
And girls, what do I always say?
Never stop dreaming.
Sure. I will have champagne ready for the big celebration.
I hate this chair!
- Good luck. - Later.
Take off those sunglasses. You look ridiculous.
You look ridiculous without sunglasses.
Oh, my God.
What?
Uh, yes. Simon. Greg Butler. Yeah, my kids go to the...
Yeah. Oh, you've heard the podcast?
Excellent.
Feel free to give it five stars on the old podcast page.
Anyway, mate, while I've got you here,
I was wondering if you and your lovely wife -
being the best travel agents in town -
would be up for maybe offering a prize
to the upcoming trivia night?
Maybe a trip for two to Paris, city of love.
Um...
I'm sorry to hear that, Simon. I...
You guys seemed like the perfect couple.
I, um...
That's a tough pill to swallow.
Yeah, just let it out, mate.
It's a process, mate.
Chlo! Wake up.
Simon, I'll give you a call back.
Chlo! Chlo! If you sleep now, you won't sleep tonight.
I'm so tired.
I know what will wake you up.
A treat breakfast!
You are the best dad ever!
Yum.
Just me.
It's a treat breakfast.
Ah, neat or on the rocks?
I think on the rocks, I guess.
To your second book!
Bedazzle me.
The story centres around a primary school
in Sydney's Northern Beaches.
One of the mums has a mute brother and deals heroine.
Another has returned to town for the funeral of her old friend
who killed his wife and his son before killing himself.
Hmm. Sounds like a best-seller to me.
Really?
Three best sellers, to be exact.
Big Little Lies, Boy Swallows Universe and The Drive.
What's wrong? Couldn't squeeze Cloudstreet in?
I was inspired by each of those.
- But to create something fresh and bold... - No.
You've plagiarized, thrice.
Seems you have nothing original to say -
unless you have some other ideas.
I do. I absolutely do.
Almost too many.
Excellent timing.
I was just about to check in with you about this morning.
Pulling out?
Are you yanking my chain?
So how many zeros on the contract?
No zeros, because I have exactly zero ideas.
Greg, you need to help me. Do you have any ideas, any at all?
Oh, wow. Em, you've really put me on the spot.
OK, OK. Murder is big. Everybody loves a good murder.
But true crime has been done to death.
What about fake crime?
Yes, but isn't that just crime fiction?
- Shit. - Um... OK, OK.
If I've learned anything from Star Wars
it is that people love space and they love a genre-mash.
So how about Lord of the Rings in space,
or Of Mice and Men, in space?
Or you can flip it - put Star Wars on Earth.
I mean, has anyone really explored war on Earth before?
Greg, your ideas are worse than mine,
which should be comforting, but right now...
What is Chloe doing?
Well, she's awake, which is a win.
Come with me. She'll call you back.
I'll call you back.
Em... When will you be home?
I'm a booger monster!
Yes, you are.
Do you think in an alternative universe,
really snakes eat lolly humans?
Look, Ravi, you can't hang around here all day.
You know, I have responsibilities.
But what else am I supposed to do?
I don't know, you could get a job?
- What, like, now? - Maybe not today. But...
Look, come on. Lindsay must be doing something.
- Go have fun without me. - Sophie, that's mathematically impossible.
Hi. How can I help you?
I'll just grab a large choc-top, thanks.
Sure, no problem.
Dad, I'm so bored...
Chlo, being bored is good. OK?
If Isaac Newton wasn't bored
when he was sitting under the tree when the apple hit him in the head,
he would never have discovered gravity.
I think he would have worked it out somehow.
OK...
A $200 cheese platter? Who is she bribing?
Hi Janice. Can you tell me what's in the duplex package?
Exfoliate, exhume and expunge? That's...
No! Stop! Stop, Chloe!
Less jumping, and more reading.
No, thanks.
Do you want me to rip that half-star off your sleep chart?
Hello? Hello?
No, sorry, Janice, you can keep your half-star.
Now you have to go all the way back to the start.
Oh. Going back half a star. Big whoop.
Big whoop?
Alright. Naughty step.
Good. The naughty step's my favourite part of this house.
That's how you want to roll.
I'm going to confiscate one thing from your bedroom.
- What's your favourite item? - My bed.
You are grounded for the rest of the week,
the rest of the month
and the rest of the year.
Good. I'm an inside person.
Oh, Janice, no, don't go!
What about the triplux package?
No wonder Luna's got heaps more prizes than you.
Your phone manner sucks!
Uh, OK. Well, instead of a sequel,
what about... a spin-off?
About my shit kids?
- Mmm! - Um, no, no, no, no.
Actually, let's strike that.
Look, Audrey, I've got a best-seller in me, I know it.
I'm in my creative prime!
If I'm not writing then I am not living.
I'm glad to hear that
because I have something very special in mind for you.
Oh, really? I love special. What is it?
- Hey. - Please tell me you're on the way home.
Ah, no. But Audrey has something very special lined up for me.
So do I. Spending time with our psychopathic daughter.
Emily! Time to tee off.
Are you on the golf course?
Trust me that I would much rather be at home.
Spit-spot! Off the phone. He's waiting to meet you.
- When are you coming home? - I love you.
You hide from me!
Adam Gilchrist, cricket legend and all-round swell guy,
meet Emily Butler, the ghost writer of your new autobiography.
G'day.
Oh, bugger!
Here we go, this is the one.
Pitching wedge.
Um, is...
Isn't he divine?
He... he seems lovely.
Audrey, I don't want to ghost-write an autobiography.
I want to pen a best-seller.
Gilly's next book will BE a best-seller.
That no-one will know I wrote.
You'll know, I'll know. Gilly will know.
And if the book sells a million copies,
your name will be right there on the non-disclosure agreement.
Oh, come on. Don't embarrass yourself. Come on.
Audrey, I am sorry.
I would be doing myself a huge disservice by saying yes.
- Is that right? - Mm-hm.
Well, I'll leave you to break the news.
Ah, Gilly. Emily has something to tell you.
So excited to be working with you on this, Emily.
I mean, typically, I'd write this book myself,
but I'm drowning in charity work at the moment.
Well... I...
Did tell you, my favourite book last year: My Shit Husband.
- Oh! - How funny.
And... Sorry I interrupted. What did you need to tell me?
Just that, um...
I am really excited to work with you.
And I am a big fan. A huge fan.
Ta-ta.
Sophie Butler, I don't pay you
to play Space Invaders on your phone all day.
Sorry, I was just... It won't happen again.
Do your worst, Chloe Butler. I quit.
Da-ad...
I know where you are!
I'm coming to get you!
Ohh...
- Don't you dare. - Dad's phone.
Sorry. He can't come to the phone right now.
He's lying on the ground in his pyjamas, covered in beer.
Chloe, put the phone down.
He's been trying to organise prizes for the trivia night,
but I haven't let him because I'm tired and cranky.
Chloe!
Really? Yeah. Marriage sucks sometimes.
- It's OK. - Give me the phone.
Hello. Who's this?
Simon! Simon, sorry I didn't give you a call back.
It's one of those days where, you know, the kids are...
Yeah, I'll put her back on.
Thanks, Dad.
Hi, Simon.
Mm-hm.
That would be amazing. Um, Thanks.
Oh, and don't forget to give my dad
five stars on the podcast page. Bye.
- That was Simon Hardman. - I know.
- He runs a travel agency. - I know.
Oh, and he said he's going to give you
- some super big trivia prize. - Really?
It's some trip to Parkes for an Elvis festival.
Dad, what's an Elvis?
Did you get that? Please tell me you got that.
Oh, no. Mine, mine, mine! Ha, ha, ha, mine! Ah! Whoa.
- Excuse me. - Authority figure.
- No outside snacks. - Sorry, we'll... We'll bin it.
Oh! Look at you!
In your first job, all grown up. How excitement.
- Did you come here just to see me? - Course not.
We're going to see Peter Rabbit 2.
You do know that's a kids film?
- The film's irrelevant. - It's playing in our favourite cinema.
It's where we first went to third base.
What's up, buttercup?
While I'm stuck at work,
Ravi, Lindsay and all the cool kids from school
are having some random gath.
Best day ever, apparently.
Soph, if you really want to go to this party, two words.
Heavy flow.
Squirts has a higher squeamish factor.
Not for fellas over 50.
Maybe go with both.
Just tell him you're facing bouncers from both ends.
Sorry about the wait, sir. Enjoy the film.
If it was anything else, I could push through.
You don't have to keep telling me, Sophie, I understand.
Thanks for letting me know.
Popcorn, wasn't it?
Oh, no!
Hello. Anybody there?
- Yes! - Code pink! Cinema three!
Please, not now.
What's code pink?
Libidinous couple, watching that movie about rabbits.
Must have set them off.
Yeah, I don't think that was the trigger.
OK, listen, you go deal with them. I'll deal with this.
- What about your, uh... - I can push through.
- What, both ends? - Both ends.
Trooper.
Hi, Mum.
Oh, hi, sweetheart.
Oh, how civilised.
It's more than civilised - victorious,
because thanks to Chloe,
I scored a trivia prize, fit for the king.
Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh!
All the parents are going nuts for it.
- Oh. How many prizes did you get? - One.
And Luna.
12.
But as you always say: it's quality over quantity.
- I've never said that. - You're a little bitch.
Yes, I rule the sky.
Hey!
You bought Cloudsurfer.
She's 13 and a half stars away from getting that reward.
Chloe did me a favour today.
I returned the favour.
Let's get back to talking about my Jailhouse Rock'n prize.
No. It is a sleep chart.
It's a general behaviour chat now.
We did change it.
Can we talk?
OK.
Now.
Yep.
Oh, my back.
So, it's the Parkes Festival, all expenses paid.
How is Chloe going to learn about perseverance
if you just hand her something that she's been building toward?
I'm not the bad guy here, Em.
You said you were going to be gone for an hour.
You were gone for the entire day.
- I was at work. - Why are you sunburnt?
It wasn't exactly a day at the beach.
Yeah. It was a day at the golf course.
Greg, you know that I hate golf.
So did Audrey like any of your ideas?
No, she hated all of them.
- Even the space ones? - Especially the space ones.
And instead she wants me to ghost-write
some stupid sports autobiography.
Whose autobiography?
It was ah... Adam Gilchrist.
- Yeah. - Sorry.
Adam Gilchrist? Gilly?
Yeah.
The greatest wicketkeeper batsman of all time, and my personal hero.
Yeah, and that is why Audrey dragged me to the golf course,
because I had to meet him
and then play a whole round with him
and then bond even more over frothies.
Well, that... that is... that's what we...
Gilly called beers when we sank them in the clubhouse.
You didn't consider maybe giving me a call?
Well, no. It was it was work.
Well, I could have swung by and accidentally bumped into you
and, "Oh, hi, Em. Who's that? It's Gilly! Hey, Gilly!"
- No, that's weird, Greg. - Didn't have to be that weird.
Hey, it was tedious. I don't want to write the book.
Good. I'll write the book. How hard can it be?
Chapter one - Gilly dominates in bat and gloves.
rinse and repeat.
You are not hearing me. I want to create something original.
I am hearing you loud and clear,
and you have completely lost perspective.
Excuse me.
While you were out playing golf all day with Adam Gilchrist,
I was at home watching Chloe couch jump
and shove lolly snakes up her nose.
I bruise my coccyx and I had to counsel bloody Simon
through a marriage break down.
You want tedious?
That's tedious, Em!
Hmm...
Huh.
Hey, sit down.
Hey, sweetheart, I know that you miss sharing a room with Sophie,
but you've really got to get used to sleeping on your own.
I don't miss sharing a room with Sophie.
She talks in her sleep about Ravi.
Once she even sleep kissed him.
So then why are you suddenly struggling to sleep?
Because of that freaky book you brought home from work.
This? Freaky?
But, you know, he's a cute little cat
who spends his day trying to cheer up old people in a nursing home.
Every time I close my eyes, I see his disgusting, jaunty, little face.
So, Chloe, just to be clear,
it's your mum's fault you haven't been sleeping.
- Dad, you're awake! - Yes. Yes, I'm awake.
I've been awake for days dealing with your tantrums,
while your mum's been swanning about.
Oh, OK. So compared to you, my day has been awesome.
- Is that what you want to hear? - Yes. Thank you.
Wait, wait, wait. Where are you going?
Well, if I am going to write this book about Gilly,
I'm going to need my rest.
- But... - But just think that if it all goes well,
Gilly might come over here for frothies.
Really?
Mmm.
OK.
Sleep sweet.
Good night, Dad.
Good night, Gilly. I mean, Chloe!
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -