Previously on Weeds...
I've decided that we will get married.
Can we ditch school?
Fuck you!
I'm Huskaroo's girl.
The cop extorting money from me is cracking up.
Bitch-ass bitch.
Blitt and I need to close early for inventory.
Get out! I don't want you in here anymore.
Shit!
Uncle Yitzhak's lost fortune. You said there was, like, $180,000.
Look around you.
You blew all that money on this crap?
I haven't seen you since the ultrasound. Everything looks fine.
Love your shoes. Raylene Reynolds. You're Pretty! cosmetics.
What the fuck was that? We cannot get married.
Things have changed.
Weeds 507 Where the Sidewalk Ends
By the Fumistes team. lesfumistes[at]gmail.com corrected by chamallow35 - www.addic7ed.com
Hairdryer.
It's not what you think. Of course not.
She's just a friend, cousin, coworker,
neighbor...
It's not like that.
What's it like?
'Cause all I know is
some stiletto-heeled Mexicunt
stalks in here,
screeches at you in Spanish,
suddenly the marriage is off.
Her name is Pilar Zuazo.
She is
a very important woman in my life.
In my position,
to marry a foreigner
is bad publicity.
She doesn't want me to jeopardize my political career.
Consider your political career safe, señor mayor.
Wait! This is only a delay.
You must trust me.
After the election,
we will be married and be a family.
What election?
I'm running for governador.
It's the next step in a long journey.
I'm sorry.
I didn't think it through.
The timing...
I was too
impetuous.
Because I love you, Nancy.
You are what I want.
I still don't understand who she is, why you're taking orders from her.
She is someone who has a great deal of influence
with the people who matter in my country.
She makes sure those people support my ambitions.
So, she's your boss?
No one is my boss. It sounds like she's your boss.
Come downstairs.
I'll tell Concha to unpack your things.
You've ever slept with her? No, it's not like that.
And I am told she has teeth down there.
I don't want to find out.
After the election,
we will be man and wife.
Z,
U, A, Z, O.
Is that her?
She's hot. They're fake.
You want her Wikipedia page or the Forbes article?
Try Wiki.
Daughter of late Mexican industrialist Raúl Zuazo.
Silver-spooned oppressor.
Sole heir to vast telecommunications holdings.
Media manipulator.
On the board of the Mexican Stock Exchange.
Inside trader.
Philanthropist. Tax evader.
Doesn't say anything about a drug kingpin.
She owns Mexico, mom.
She can have these pages edited.
We need to get the fuck out of here.
These people bludgeon innocent golfers for sport.
What are you talking about? They're gonna wait
until you have the baby and then they're gonna kill us.
They don't even need a reason, they'll just do it and laugh.
That's probably them coming after us right now.
What is all this stuff?
We're setting up a birthing room.
Esteban feels that you should have the baby here at home.
Birthing room.
Everything you need will be right here.
How convenient.
They will be no need to ever leave.
What about a flat screen?
Premium cable, one of those little fridges?
You said everything I need. I cannot provide those things.
Who should I ask? Esteban? Pilar?
Best Buy.
I'll do that.
Hop over there right now, review my options.
I'll take Shane. Shane loves Best Buy.
Your car's in the shop.
What's wrong with it?
Broken tail light.
These
are my keys.
When I'm not tooling around town
in my cherry red You're Pretty! convertible,
I am cruising in my Maserati.
Three thousand square foot ski chalet in Tahoe.
Ski in, ski out.
My private instructor looks just like Ashton Kutcher.
So, hands up!
Raise those hands! Who wants to be me?
She's much blonder than I would ever go again,
but I do love Tahoe.
Hands down. Forget it.
About 90% of you
simply don't have what it takes.
But for the other 10%,
let me just say,
being me is fantastic.
I think her nipples are hard.
As a matter of fact, they are.
My nipples are hard and my lady is wet.
Because success
turns me on.
And if success doesn't turn you on,
then you can take your initial $5,000 investment fees,
pop on out to your shit cars, and drive out of here.
Okay then. So...
What turns you on?
Success!
Dick.
Am I wrong about you, Celia?
Dick ever buy you a Cartier Panther watch
with double diamonds?
'Cause if it did,
then suck that dick, girl.
But if not,
I need to ask you a question.
Are you a closer or a loser?
Well, I've been a loser.
But I want to be a closer.
But I don't have $5,000, so...
You're going to let a little thing like that stand in your way?
No way.
No way, cow girl.
You're Pretty! will front you on credit
all the products that you need to put yourself on the road
to financial freedom.
Are you ready to ride?
I said,
are you ready to ride?
Are your nipples hard? Yes.
But I had reconstructive surgery because of a double mastectomy,
so they're always kind of like that.
Let's get started.
Whatever you need.
It's your fourth THC cone today. You're costing us money.
Double scoop of Cripple Ripple Fudge.
Keep the change.
I think I might actually be addicted to sugar.
I love it here.
This is everything I ever wanted.
Shelves filled with drugs, cold creamy treats flavored with drugs.
Beautiful girls in bikinis
coming and asking me for drugs.
Are you crying? Don't look.
Gentlemen,
waking up in my car with a searing headache,
unable to move for some time without blinding pain,
gave me some time to think.
You all were right.
Having the heat lurking around a pot club, bad for business.
So from now on,
when I come in,
I come in my civies. Makes sense.
Do you know this guy?
How high are you?
So, that was my apology.
Now it's time for yours.
We're sorry you got hurt.
So you do know this guy.
Well, sorry
means a lot.
You know what also means a lot, partner?
Ten grand. Ten grand?
Today.
Assault on a police officer is a felony.
Minimum sentence: 8 years
of daily ass rape.
Assault? Really?
I'll be back this afternoon for the money.
This is some potent shit.
I'm seeing Stormtroopers.
It's Comic Con, you idiot.
Leave it.
I told you, I told you something would happen to Esteban.
What, did he get shot?
Beheaded? I heard they're doing that. They're chopping heads off.
Are there photographs?
Can I see them?
Where did you park? Out front.
We got to go.
What, to identify the body? No.
To Dr. Lyman's. I have to have this baby right now.
What about Esteban's body?
Esteban's fine.
The call was bullshit to get you here. He's not dead. Nothing happened.
No beheading? No beheading, no.
You lied to me. I was all excited.
They built a goddamn birthing room.
They want me to have this baby totally off the grid.
No birth certificate.
If I disappear, if the baby disappears, nobody knows.
It's fucking Rosemary's baby.
No, I'm through bailing your ass out.
You're no longer my responsibility.
You're the responsability of the unbeheaded,
corrupt, drug-dealing politician that you've chosen to marry.
Andy, I'm not fucking around here.
I'm trying to get over you and your drama.
This could send me back weeks in the healing process.
You cannot suck me back
into your web.
You're right, I can't suck you in... How about a handjob?
Jesus, get off!
I don't want your pregnant pity handjob.
Christ, that's just sad.
Fine, I'll take you.
But this is it, the last time. I really mean it.
Not like the last time I said I meant it.
And raincheck on that for when you're not with child.
Pull your car right at the gate and wait for me there.
Were you really gonna jerk me off?
That or squeeze your balls till you give me your car keys.
I miss Yael.
Before...
And after.
With the help of You're Pretty! cosmetics,
I have just transformed
this plain-faced little girl
into a glamorous woman
ready to meet the man of her dreams.
I like girls.
Play along.
Don't forget, I'm giving a 10% discount
to all of my colleagues from Surfside Mall.
I got to hit it.
If I'm even 10 min late, they put me on squeeze duty all day.
No problem. Just tell me what you need.
Lady, I got 4 kids, no husband.
I make $8 an hour.
If you think I got some extra cash
for some overpriced eye-shadow, you're crazy.
Then why are you here?
You promised free samples.
With purchase. You didn't read the fine print.
There's no fine print. This is bullshit.
I want my free sample. Me too.
Well, doesn't anybody want to buy anything?
Free sample!
Okay, fine.
You know what? Just kill me now. Kill me.
Have a great fucking day.
Rob me blind, grubby. Grubby grubber.
You know what?
Why don't you just stay blotchy and non-attractive, bitch!
I hope you're happy!
Huskaroo, Huskaroo
You're beautiful
In all the things you do
You're not so bad yourself.
I'm Isabelle.
Danielle.
And...
I think you'd look better without all that crap on your face.
There goes the dyke market.
Are you joking?
It's General Lee. From the The Dukes of Hazzard.
I know. I was 12 years old once too. Why are you driving it?
Bought it from some laid-off mortgage broker in Torrance.
One of seventeen used on the show in season four.
At least it damn well better be. I paid a shitload for it.
Unlock, please.
It's welded shut. You gotta come through the window.
In that case a little help, please.
Wait, wait, wait.
Jesus.
Christ!
Here you go.
Get your hand off my boob! Deal with it.
It's nice to see you're putting uncle Yitzhak's money to good use.
Just be glad I didn't get Fonzie's motorcycle.
I was this close.
I'm Tenly.
You certainly are.
Is the manager around?
Doug Wilson.
Top dog, big cheese, head honcho, grand puba.
What do you need? A job.
Hang on.
You're fired.
I'm what? Fired.
What'd I do? Nothing.
You see that chick over there? She needs a job, I need to get laid.
You can't fire someone for no reason.
I just gave you a reason.
Look, if you need pussy, I can hook you up.
My cousin broke up with her boyfriend and she's horny as shit.
She kinda look anything like you? Kind of.
Get out of here.
He fired me.
What are you talking about? It's bullshit!
Hang on.
Can I talk to you a sec? What?
You can't just fire people. Why not? He looks like a terrorist.
He can sue us for wrongful termination.
Why are you being such a cockblocker?
Fine, keep your swarthy little Jihadi.
I want Tenly, it's my place too.
We can't afford them both. We have a graft to pay.
It's exactly why I fired the little Paki.
Fuck you, man! I'm Tunisian.
I have had it. I can't work with you anymore.
So leave, I don't care.
This partnership is over.
That's right, it is. Finito.
Don't go anywhere. We might have an opening.
Asshole.
Thanks for doing this. You're welcome.
I'll pay for gas. Thank you.
It's the least I can do. I'm not thanking you for the gas.
What are you thanking me for?
For showing me what I want out of my life.
You have General Lee, what more could you ask for?
Readiness.
Ready to find the right woman,
ready to settle down, sow my seed.
Carry on my part of the Botwin legacy.
You do have a cute butt, it would be a shame not to pass that on.
Go on ahead with your snidy snideness, snide away.
You'll see.
I have just as much to offer a woman as Judah.
And you're alive.
And Judah crashed on that front.
It might not be so obvious, but I'm a real catch.
I'm kind,
funny, total rockstar in bed...
That does seem to be the consensus.
The whole key is strong and focused work
where the sidewalk ends.
I know, Andy. I'm a girl.
How's Esteban, in the sack?
He seems like the selfish type. Throw you down on a table and fuck you.
That works too.
I knew that you liked it rough.
You know, I'm precise, I'm connected.
I'm an artist.
You and me, we never would have worked.
I'm not rapey enough for you. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm fucking poison, you don't have to drink it anymore.
Cheers to that.
Still want my raincheck handjob.
Oh, God. What? What's wrong?
I still love you.
No, I don't, I don't.
It's just an obsession. I want what I can't have.
I'm so fucked up.
Jesus, you are poison. Fuck you!
As I remember, this car went a hell of a lot faster on the show.
What are you doing here?
My mom told me to come here after school.
Someone's trying to kill us.
Again.
Which leads to the question: why would she send me
to the most obvious place I could be found?
Don't worry.
Your mother leads a charmed life.
She's lucky.
Everything always works out for Nancy.
I, on the other hand,
I'm jinxed, cursed, blighted.
Nothing works out for me.
What's in that case?
A lot of false promises.
God, I could use a foot massage.
Here.
Thank you.
I fucking hate Mexicans.
Never go into sales.
They're animals. It's humiliating.
They have no regard for human life. I'm Willy Loman.
I think I'm gonna move back here.
Dean was suppose to be Willy Loman.
Can you tell my mom you'll take care of me?
I've enough problems of my own without taking on Nancy's.
Besides, why would you wanna be stuck with me?
I'm a bitch.
I drink.
And I peddle useless shit that nobody wants.
I don't want to be stuck with you, I can take care of myself.
I just need you to tell her you'll watch out,
so she'll leave me alone.
You should peddle something that people want.
Like what? Like drugs.
That's fucking great.
Now you tell me when it's too late.
I just blew my whole wad on eye-shadow and zit concealer.
Thank you.
Go get me a drink. And then switch to the other foot.
Nancy Botwin.
It's been a while, hasn't it?
From crescent to a full moon.
Sorry, I've been seeing another doctor.
I've been seeing other patients. It's all good.
I'm Andy Botwin, not the father.
Ex-brother-in-law, still close with the family.
Love kids.
Ready for my own.
Isn't that the whole point of life? Children? Propagation?
The cycle of life?
I need to induce.
What did your doctor say about that? I didn't ask him.
But I need you to get the baby out of me as soon as possible.
You're two days away from your due date.
It's best to let your body call the shots here.
I can't wait.
Why don't we wait till you're past your due date
and I'll get your chart from the... I can't wait.
It's not because I'm uncomfortable.
The father is a drug kingpin, slash mayor,
slash radical home birth advocate
who built a delivery room in their guest house.
He spared no expense. He did this for two apparent reasons.
One, to guarantee
that his first and only son would arrive safely to the world.
Two, to ensure they would be no witnesses
or official records of said event,
which could pose a problem if he ever decided to, say...
kidnap the baby to Mexico and/or kill its mother
the minute she gives birth.
Thank you, Andy, for your discretion.
Don't worry.
Doctor/patient confidentiality.
She can't testify, right?
Is that just lawyers? Shit. Please.
I need this baby to be born right now.
I need witnesses. I need a US birth certificate.
I need to do this before he realizes that I'm gone.
I need help.
I don't have health insurance but...
I can pay cash.
And if all goes well, there's a bonus in it for you.
We need to get you into the hospital and get a Pitocin-drip going fast.
Unless you want a C-section, it's faster but...
Get it out!
All right, I'll let the hospital know we're on our way.
She's awesome.
Please, I beg you.
Wait until I've given birth.
Damn! Now that's what I'm talking about.
These Comic Con freaks like to party.
I guess you kind of have to be baked to dress up like Skeletor
and try to snap an upskirt picture of Lucy Lawless.
So where is your partner?
Who cares?
Blitt and I can run this place all by ourselves. Right, Swarmer?
Hey, buddy. Look at this place.
Very impressive.
Thanks for involving me, dickhead.
Like when I involved you in my city council reelection campaign
and you forgot to send my paperwork? One. One fuck-up.
You're fucking jinx. Anything you touch turns to shit.
Nothing personal. You're a douchebag. Nothing personal.
Here's the man I came to meet.
My client wishes to dissolve the partnership.
We'll be filing articles of dissolution with the state and county.
You are advised to give statutory notification to all creditors,
settle all creditors' claims
and then we can begin the distribution of all business assets.
I'll take the weed.
Fuck you. This club was my idea and you ruined it.
You're uptight. And you're irresponsible.
You're really blowing all up? I don't have a choice.
I can't work with you. This is a professional establishment.
Not some place for you to chase ass and get high.
I can't have you blow this place up.
I love this place too much, man.
But you got to make a compromise too.
I get a ball in the morning to get me through the day.
And for the sake of our friendship and the success of our business,
I'll bang Blitt's cousin.
Deal. Deal.
That's what I like to see.
Bros before hos.
And weed over greed.
Or is it greed over weed?
Get down! Everybody down!
Come on, guys! It's just more Comic Con freaks.
Don't fucking move.
I'm getting my badge, I'm a cop.
Get the fuck down on the floor now. You too.
All right, I'll play along, whatever.
How come he doesn't have to get down?
Because I'm Frank Calderone. Internal affairs.
Officer C.P. Jones.
You have the right to remain silent.
Is this a joke? No, it's no joke, fat-ass.
Theft, extorsion, falsifying documents. And that's just for openers.
You really are a cop.
Can I still bang your cousin? You will never come near a Calderone.
Dean Hodes, attorney of law.
Fucking jinx.
Excuse me, visiting hours are over.
You have done a very bad and foolish thing coming here.
You must leave right away.
Get dressed.
My God.
You have no idea what you've done.
He has your eyes.