CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
I really shouldn't pay you, honestly. Why should I pay?
You talked during the putt. I could've made that putt.
- I was talking pre-putt. - No, you weren't.
Yes, it was. It was pre-putt. It was definitely pre-putt.
- Jeff, did he talk during my putt? - I'm not saying anything.
He just said everything.
- Jeff, you know what Dante said. - What?
The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who, in time of crisis,
retain their neutrality.
- I don't want to say anything. - You're going straight to Hell.
You're like a desperate guy just grasping at, like, quotes.
- Quotes from Dante over the putt? - Freddy, what's up, kid?
- How you doing, Larry? - Hey, Hal!
- You look good, buddy. - Thank you.
What the fuck did I do?
- That was a snub. - No, no, no.
It wasn't like he didn't even look at me. He looked right at me.
- That was a total snub. - I was uncomfortable.
- What the hell happened with you two? - I set him up on a date with a friend.
Producer named Gabby McAffe, and he hasn't spoken to me since.
- What? - Yeah. I have no idea why.
Did you try and contact him?
Yeah, I texted him, called him, I walked up to him.
What'd he do?
Ignored me. I don't get it. She's beautiful.
She is smart. She is kind. She is great.
How come you didn't fix me up with her if she's so great?
- I don't know. - What's her name? Gabby McAfee?
- Gabby McAfee. - I probably shouldn't even say it.
It's probably common knowledge. You've heard the thing about Hal, right?
- Yeah. - I think the whole club knows.
- I have no idea. - He slept with his mother-in-law.
Hal slept with his mother-in-law? Shut the fuck up. No way.
- You liars. - Okay, what did you hear?
I only heard that he fucked his mother-in-law.
- What did you hear about it? - That's all I got.
- And that led to his divorce. - That's what I heard.
But was it ongoing or one time?
- I think it was a couple of times. - That's what I heard.
- Gabby McAfee. She's something. - Yeah.
She's a beautiful girl.
- You set me up? - I'm gonna ask you one quick question.
Did you fuck your mother-in-law at any point?
'Cause I ain't setting you up if you did.
Okay, I'll call her. No problem.
And you know what else? Maybe I could do a little investigation.
As to...
As to what happened on their date that he would never speak to you again.
All right. Thank you.
That looks good. Look at you, still with the fries.
I love 'em. You want one? Don't even ask. Jump in.
Should I try one?
- You all right? Dad? - Oh, my God!
I think he's having a heart attack! Call 911!
Oh, my! That's Saul Berman.
Dad, come down to the floor. Easy, easy, easy.
Is there a doctor in here? You're all right. Just lay down.
- It looks serious. - It does.
Okay, Dad, just breathe.
I gotcha. Hold my hand. Squeeze my hand.
Here you go. Good, good.
I gotcha. Can you talk?
Want some water? No? We got a doctor coming.
Squeeze as hard as you can. Okay.
Final score, Knicks 101, Sixers, 97.
Tom, what was the problem with the Sixers tonight?
- Hello? - Hey, Freddy. It's me.
How are ya?
I'm on my way to Katsuya to meet Gabby McAfee.
Nice! You're choppin' it up with Gabby. I like it.
I just looked in the mirror, and a button fell off my shirt.
I've got tons of t-shirt exposed.
You can't have more than three-quarters of an inch of t-shirt showing.
Would it be okay if I came over and borrowed a shirt?
- I'm right near your house. - Okay.
- You want to come get a shirt? Come. - Okay, great.
Tonight we're gonna get something great for you.
Are you sure you don't want to go t-shirt?
- 'Cause I think it could look good. - T-shirt? Really?
Very sinewy. You look fantastic.
Look at that word you just threw out. You know, people underestimate you.
You're actually a little brighter than you come off.
I bet you're sittin' on some pretty big words too when you need 'em.
- Now, let's take a look. - I want to try for the same palette.
- Yeah, I get it. - Just want to be comfortable.
Oh, God. Jesus! I just burnt the shit out of my hand.
Because I just found something pretty hot.
You tell me, L.D!
Yeah! Very nice item.
You're gonna enjoy it. I think she's gonna enjoy it too.
- This is great. I'll take it. - I think it's gonna be great.
Thank you, sir. Yes, may I help you?
How do you do? Larry David, table for two.
You're the first one here. Shall I take your umbrella?
I thought it was gonna rain. What happened?
- Don't know. - They said rain.
- I'm not crazy. - Thank you.
- Table, please. - Sure.
- We have a guest. - Thank you for coming in.
Thank you. I love that greeting.
Please, this is your table, sir. And your menu.
And somebody will be right with you, sir.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
There he is. Hi! I'm just meeting Mr. David.
- Okay. Right this way. - Irasshaimase!
- Hello! - Hello!
I'm Gabby, obviously. I love it.
- You love that greeting? - I love it!
Is that the best greeting you've ever had?
Absolutely! And you speak Japanese?
Yeah. I speak six languages, including Guam-ish.
That's what they speak in Guam, on the island of Guam.
Chef say "irasshaimase".
Could you please not say "irasshaimase"? Thank you.
What?
Sushi Chef say, "irasshaimase". Guests don't say, "irasshaimase".
- Sorry. - Thank you for understanding.
And enjoy your dinner. Thank you.
The chef was upset that I said, "irasshaimase"?
I have been here a hundred times. I've never been reprimanded by the host.
Is this the first time you've been reprimanded by a host?
- Alas, no. - No?
Maybe just tonight, first date, we're on our best behavior. Maybe.
I'll try.
- Delicious. - I know. This is my favorite place.
Thank you so much. Larry, I wasn't even gonna come on this date.
I've had such bad luck since my divorce,
but Jeff told me the worst thing that happens,
it doesn't work out, he's a great person to break up with.
- Yeah. I'm great. - Really?
Yeah. Like, if we go out for six months or eight months or whatever,
all you gotta do is say, "Hey, I don't want to see you anymore".
- And I go, "okay". - No drama?
- Zero. - That's a good quality.
- I walk away, and I never give you... - Not another thought.
That's almost like a sociopath, but borderline.
That's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me.
Well, do you have any other good qualities?
- Yes, I do. - Okay.
- So discrete. - Good at keeping a secret, you think?
Absolutely.
I want us to tell each other something we've never told anybody.
Bring it on.
When I was younger, I was a teacher in high school,
and I slept with one of my students.
Excuse me.
Did I just hear you say that you were a teacher in high school,
and you slept with one of your students? Did I get that right?
Consenting people.
- He was 18. - Was he a senior?
- Yeah. - Did you go to the prom?
I'm not gonna go into this.
What was his extra-curricular activity?
He was a basketball player. I'm not saying anything more.
- Did you go to the games? - I told you the secret.
Did he give you a little wink when he was playing?
If he made a shot, did he look over?
- Larry, we need to be done with this. - I'm just curious. What?
Time for you to tell me your secret.
Let's hear it. Come on.
Give it up.
Okay, look. I'll tell you this, okay?
But honestly,
you cannot mention this to anyone, ever.
Larry, trust. Trust.
Okay.
I have a fantastic shortcut to the Valley. Tremendous.
- That's your secret? - Yeah.
I told you that I slept with a student. Your secret is Waze!
There's no comparison between these two secrets.
No, there's not!
My secret improves your quality of life. Your secret's just interesting.
Tell me the shortcut, and I'll be the judge of how useful this "secret" is.
Cosiano, Sepulveda, Mulholland, Longbow, Woodcliff,
Valley Vista.
That's your cousin.
- I gotta write this down. - Are you serious? No.
You lose it, somebody finds it, no good.
Okay, but you can't tell anybody what I said.
What did you say?
That's funny. You're funny!
Hey, let me ask you something. You went out with Hal Berman?
A couple times.
What's the deal? What happened?
I don't know. You'd have to ask him.
You've got to try these Brussels sprouts, Larry. They're amazing.
We have two guests coming in.
Thanks for coming in.
What the...
- Irasshaimase! - Irasshaimase!
I had a great time. That's all I can tell ya. it was a great date.
- Great date? - I don't know what Hal's problem was.
What kind of things you talk about?
We talked about general stores.
- You did, huh? - Yeah.
Did you bring your general store photo book with you?
I had photos in my phone of different general stores throughout the country.
That's your passion. That's your great love.
So she was good at conversation? Fun?
The conversation was flowing so easily,
I even left my umbrella at the restaurant.
- I gotta go back and get it later. - But the rest of the date went well?
There was one weird thing.
What was the weird thing?
She wanted to do this thing where we kind of swapped secrets.
What was her secret?
- You know, I'd feel terrible. - It's me. Why would you not tell me?
I wouldn't like myself if I told you.
But you don't like yourself anyway.
You cannot say a word about this to anybody, honestly.
Come on.
Well, she used to be a high school teacher.
- She fucked one of her students. - She fucked one of her students?
She fucked one of her students?
Boy, that didn't take long. You couldn't keep that secret for five seconds!
- I indirectly told him. - But you did!
That's so hot. Crazy hot. Sorry.
That's real hot. That's the shit right there.
I can't think of any teachers that I really wanted to have sex with.
There's only one teacher that I wanted, Mrs. Fish.
I could tell ya that Miss Rogers was not the cause of any tumescence
among the young men in my school.
- What'd she look like? - She was on death's door.
Veins popping out all over her body.
In my case, I fucked a school nurse.
She was fuckin' fine as shit. Every time I had a tummy ache,
I'd tap that ass.
So, did you make up that you had a tummy ache just to go there?
Yeah. She gave me a spoonful of Pepto Bismol and a fuckin' hand job.
Thank you for your contribution. He's got a wild imagination.
Wait. What was your secret?
I can't tell my secret.
- Why? - Because then it's no longer a secret.
Yeah, but it's to me. Go.
Okay. I got a shortcut to the Valley.
- You got a shortcut to the valley? - Yeah.
- You got a shortcut to the Valley? - You fuckin' did it again!
I apologize.
It was two secrets in the space of a few minutes.
But you know a great shortcut to the Valley
and you've never told me? You never told him?
If I tell ya the shortcut, then it's no longer a shortcut.
You're not gettin' the shortcut. Don't give me that look.
I know that look. You're not gettin' it. Fix the TV!
I can't fix that TV, man. That TV is fucked.
It ain't gonna work. I tried everything.
- Seriously? - Seriously.
- I need a new one? - You need a new TV.
- I just got a new TV. It's great. - Really?
- Best TV I've ever had. - Is that so?
Yeah. Come over and take a look.
Freddy's shirt. Wait a second.
Let me get something to eat.
Does your TV have picture-in-picture?
Picture-in-picture? That's old.
Look at this! Oh, my God!
- Damn! - What happened?
I spilled soy sauce on it, and I tried to get it out with soap.
- What kind of soap did you use? - You know, just Dial.
Bar soap? That's the worst!
- Really? - God, yeah.
- Soap stains. - Soap stains?
Soap stains.
Who makes a cleaning product that stains?
That's like a Band-Aid that cuts.
Here's a little secret. Freddy's shirt is fucked.
Hey!
- Hey. - Hi, Hal.
- Hey, Larry. - How's your dad?
You know, not great.
I came to get his lucky rabbit foot he keeps in his locker.
He got a hole-in-one with this.
Maybe I should start playing with a rabbit's foot, huh?
Well, give him my best.
Well, why don't you pray for him, huh?
Come on, Hal. You know, pray?
I'll feel like an idiot. I can't do that.
- Are you kidding me? - l wouldn't even know where to begin.
Do you get on your knees? Do you put your hands together?
You just say, "God, please make Saul Berman live". That's it.
I can't do that.
Do you know that prayer, to Jews, has been integral since
getting out of Egypt, right?
I would submit it's as big a waste of time as watching the Kardashians.
I don't understand you. This is why you join a club,
so that you can be together with other members in a time of need.
No, I joined for the golf.
And you know what? I'm enjoying pickleball too. Have you played?
What if your prayer were the thing that saved him?
- Wait a second, are you praying? - Of course I'm praying.
Let me put myself in God's shoes for a second.
There's the son. The son's praying.
I need more than that. I'm gonna need more than that.
Larry David! Okay! I'll save him.
How do you know prayers don't work?
Because I'm bald.
Hey, Hal! You went out with Gabby McAfee, right?
Yeah.
I had a date with her. I'm seeing her again on Saturday night.
- Let me guess. Katsuya? - Yeah. She likes that place.
Yeah, well, good luck.
Whatever happened with you two?
I can tell you this much, Larry. What goes around, comes around.
"What goes around, comes around"?
Hey. How you doing?
Good.
How'd it go?
- The date? - Yeah.
- It went great. - Well, tell me about her.
She's everything Jeff said she was.
That's terrific.
There was unfortunately one casualty from the evening.
What did you do? What happened?
Shirt got ruined.
What the fuck happened to the shirt?
I'm so sorry. The chef yelled out "Irasshaimase"
as I was pouring soy sauce, scared me, and I got it on the shirt.
It looks like you were part of a home-birth.
So soy sauce spilled all over it. I put soap on it, and...
You never put soap on the fabric like this.
I didn't know soap stains.
Fuck. I love this shirt, man.
I'm so sorry. You know, I called the company to replace it,
and they don't make it anymore.
How do you replace someone's favorite shirt?
What? Favorite shirt? What are you talking about?
- You just don't buy another one. - Favorite shirt?
- Yeah, it's my favorite shirt. - You loaned me your favorite shirt?
Why would you loan me your favorite shirt?
Because I'm a friend and you were uncomfortable going on the date.
Still, you don't give out your favorite shirt. Everybody knows that.
What do we do? How do we get out of this?
- I don't know. - This is horrible.
I'm happy to replace it with any shirt you want. We can go shopping.
I think the thing that would mean something to me
would be you actually giving me your favorite shirt.
That's really biblical, real eye-for-eye stuff.
I'm not giving you my favorite shirt. That's out of the question.
Fine. Don't give me your favorite shirt.
Just give me the gray and blue two-tone shirt.
You're not getting my blue and gray two-tone, okay?
You don't give up a two-tone. That's my favorite shirt.
You know it. It's not even up for discussion
You never give up a two-tone. Ever.
I don't know that I feel much like eating.
I'm glad the date went well and that I could be a friend when you needed one.
Come on! I'm sorry, Freddy.
Say sorry with a two-tone.
Pick out any shirt in the closet you want. Any one!
Why does it have to be the blue and gray two-tone?
Irasshaimase!
Mr. Takahashi!
You don't say, "irasshaimase".
I said it at the Japanese restaurant, and they didn't like it either.
That's because when you say it, you sound redneck.
I'm not saying it right? How do you say it?
Irasshaimase.
No. Terrible.
- You know terrible? - Yeah.
That's you.
Okay. All right. Okay.
Saul Berman, he not make it.
That's interesting because you would think that having a heart attack
at a country club like this, there'd be doctors around.
No. Only plastic surgeon here.
One more time "irasshaimase" here, out.
Idiot!
We're not open, sir.
- Yes. - Mr. David.
I left my umbrella here last night.
Can you describe the umbrella?
It was a green umbrella. It says "Dallas Omni Hotel".
There it is. It's right there.
- You mean this umbrella? - Yes.
Why does it say, "Dallas Omni Hotel"?
I was staying in the hotel. It was raining.
They let me take the umbrella when I went to the airport.
That's what they do for their guests.
Should I return it to you or Dallas Omni Hotel?
To me. I'll return it to the hotel. It's really not your business.
- We will return it for you. - I'll return it myself.
- It's not your umbrella. - But it's not yours either.
I borrowed it. I'll return it, okay?
Mr. David, I will be honored to return this for you.
It would be my honor if you gave it to me.
- It will be more our honor. - No, it's my honor.
My honor!
I want that umbrella. That's my umbrella!
It is not your umbrella.
All right, enough of this. Just give...
You have no right to do this. No right. You're stealing.
- I'm calling the police. - Let's call the police!
A bald man steal umbrella. Yes, let's report.
What do you care about the Dallas Omni Hotel?
Because there's a rule and regulation for everything.
Yeah, I see. Now I get the whole thing.
You're upset about that I irasshaimase'd last night, right?
Customer's not supposed to irasshaimase.
- I didn't know. Nobody told me. - I told you.
- All right, but... - You did not follow the rule.
I'm sorry if I didn't follow the irasshaimase rules.
Umbrella rule...
The precious irasshaimase rule.
Only Chef irasshaimase. What a bunch of crap!
I'll Irasshaimase any time I want! I like Irasshaimase!
It's very welcoming! It feels very good to Irasshaimase,
and I'll continue to Irasshaimase!
I didn't steal the umbrella, okay? You're stealing the umbrella!
You're stealing it! Yes!
The Irasshaimase!
So sacred! Irasshaimase!
Come on!
This makes four, Inspector.
Four defenseless women here in the heart of London.
And every one with the right forefinger hacked off.
Not hacked, Inspector Gregson. Cleanly, expertly severed.
Is there no way of stopping this, Mr. Holmes?
There's a way somehow.
We can't get far without knowing the motive.
At least we know what the motives were not. It wasn't robbery,
nor passion that we know, nor vengeance,
because they all came from totally unrelated families.
Steady, Inspector, steady.
Sorry, Mr. Holmes.
Yes, it's horrible. Come on, let's get a drink.
Let's get a drink.
Whoever's behind all this thing be out of his mind.
On the contrary, my dear fellow.
The most brilliant and ruthless intellect the world has ever known.
- You don't mean Professor Moriarty. - I do.
Steady, Holmes, you've got him on the brain.
What are you doing here?
Hey. I'm getting a new television, and Jeff said you have a great one.
He told me to come over and let myself in and check it out
and make myself at home.
Well, clearly, you did, just lying on the couch, huh?
My feet weren't on there.
Did you notice where my feet were, how they were on the corner?
I hope you saw that. Is it so terrible for a person to look relaxed?
I don't understand what you're doing here in the first place.
You looked at the TV, now leave.
- I'm in the middle of this movie! - In my house!
Sherlock Holmes, somebody's chopping off women's fingers, okay?
And Holmes is on the case.
He'll solve it. You could leave.
Okay, fine. Can I tape it?
No, because that would require you returning to the scene of the crime.
Is there any way you could DVR it and email it?
What am I, the fucking AV squad? No, I don't think so.
- Fine, I'll leave. - Thank you.
By the way, somebody rang the bell earlier.
Who was it?
I don't know. I didn't answer.
It was my dress being delivered. I need it for the event this weekend.
Why didn't you fucking answer it?
This is not my house. I'm not even supposed to be here.
- But you were here! - Yeah, literally, but not figuratively.
You know what? You go pick the dress up for me, all right?
'Cause you couldn't get off your ass to go to the door,
then you could go drive all the way to the dressmaker
and pick it up for me!
If I wasn't here, the guy knocks, nobody answers,
and you still don't get your dress, so how is it my fault?
But you were here, so now you go pick up my dress.
- Steady, Inspector. Steady. - What?
I'll pick up your dress for you, but I feel it's only fair to warn you
that this path you're on is quite treacherous
and can lead to unforeseen consequences.
No shit, Sherlock. Just get the fucking dress, okay?
- I'm so sorry for your loss. - Thanks for coming. Thank you.
What? Oh, no!
Oh, my God. Are you fucking kidding me?
Oh, my God!
- Hello? - Hey, it's me.
Where are you? The thing's about to start.
I'm on Longbow. I took my shortcut, but it's not working.
- There's traffic. - You're kidding?
Come on!
Why is there so much traffic?
There's never traffic on this shortcut,
and I think Gabby must've told people about it.
I knew I shouldn't have told her.
How long 'til you're here?
I think I'm just gonna turn around and go home.
What? So you'll be a little late.
I can't sit in traffic. I'm too smart.
I'm not like these people.
You have to have done something stupid to be in traffic.
I don't belong here. I'm gonna turn around.
Tell Hal I'm sorry.
Larry's not coming. Too much traffic. Turned around and went home.
Did he mention to you what he did to my shirt?
Why did you give him your favorite shirt?
- You think it's my fault? - No.
What would you do if someone asked for a nice shirt?
If it's my friend, I'd give it to him.
And if they spill, what would be your expectation?
They'd get it cleaned and/or replaced.
That's right.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Devoted husband to his lovely wife, Anna,
caring and loving father to his sons, Hal and Caleb,
and on occasion, not a bad golfer.
I know he would've been very gratified to see all his friends
and colleagues who came out to pay tribute
to this wonderful, wonderful man,
one of whom I'd like to bring up right now. Freddy Funkhouser.
I miss him. Thank you.
Saul was a terrible golfer unless there was a little scratch on the line,
then he was Jack Nicklaus.
- I loved him. - Freddy, he loved you.
These moments matter,
and to look out and see everyone here who made such a sacrifice to be here,
I know for the family, it means everything.
Larry David couldn't make it here today.
He got stuck in traffic, and he turned around and went home.
Saul's the kind of guy that would give you the shirt off his back,
even if it was his favorite one. He wouldn't care.
And if he was the one to stain that shirt, guess what?
He would've given you his favorite shirt back.
He wouldn't just put his head in the sand
and make it uncomfortable for everybody.
He'd probably have given you two shirts.
What the hell's going on here? I'm getting a lot of dirty looks.
- Freddy. - What?
Well, when he spoke, he said,
"Larry David couldn't be here today because he got stuck in traffic"
"and turned around".
Is he nuts? Why would he do that?
- I don't know. - That's crazy!
It's 'cause I ruined his favorite shirt. I stained it.
- Who gives their favorite shirt out? - Nobody! You don't do that.
And by the way, so what if I missed the funeral?
I went to his second wedding. I went to his 60th birthday party.
How many things is somebody supposed to go through in their life?
It's crazy. Then throw in a graduation on top of it, a bar mitzvah.
There's no end to it. What do they want from you?
None of this is your fault. It's all Gabby's fault.
Yeah, 'cause she's got a big mouth.
- All right, you ready for this? - What?
I know what happened with Hal. I figured it out.
What?
She must have asked for a secret on their date
then told everybody about the mother-in-law.
- No doubt about it. - That's it.
- You nailed it! - She's a blabbermouth.
What an idiot.
Who goes on a date and goes, "by the way, I fucked my mother-in-law"?
- I know. It's so crazy. - It's crazy.
But that's why he's not talking to you.
- So you're done with her? - No. I'm gonna see her
- You are? - Yeah.
Mr. Takahashi.
In honor of Saul Berman, the club will be mourning, so no levity.
- Smiling okay? - No, not even smiling.
- Chuckling? - No chuckling.
Hey, let me ask you a question. Did you ever go to Katsuya?
Katsuya? Yes. My favorite.
Could you do me a favor?
I left an umbrella there, and they won't give it back to me.
Why not get new umbrella?
Because you can't replace this umbrella.
It holds up in gale force winds. It never goes inside out.
- It's the best umbrella I ever had. - No umbrella like that.
This umbrella is like that.
What does that mean?
Is that right?
Anyway, what do you think? Could you get it back for me?
No.
Coming!
Are you fucking kidding me?
No good?
You're a sharp dresser, you know that?
- What is this? This shirt? - It's one of my two-tones.
What's a two-tone?
It's got two different colors for the inside and the outside.
Do you ever dress up? Do you have a tux?
Yes, of course I have a tux.
Do you enjoy getting dressed up or it's just the casual?
It's not the dressing up part that's disturbing to me,
it's where you go after you're dressed up.
Tuxedo itself, it's fine, yeah.
Like, if I just sat in the house with a tuxedo on, that would be okay.
You'd be okay just watching some sports?
As long as I don't have to go to the place where I have to wear the tux.
I had to go to the Valley the other day.
Imagine my surprise when the traffic was backed up to Sunset Boulevard.
You opened your big gentile mouth.
I told two friends with very long commutes,
but that's not enough to make a traffic jam to Sunset.
No, it is. Two friends tell two other friends, tell two other friends.
It's like the Coronavirus.
I am sorry, and I promise I won't tell anybody else.
You know what? Even though you gabbed
and gave away a precious secret,
I'm still considering having sex with you.
I'm not taking it off the table.
- You're not taking it off the table? - For now.
- Okay. - We'll see how it goes.
So many things to find out about you.
- Welcome back. - Thank you!
- You're back too. - That's right.
- I asked for the same table. - Right this way.
That's okay. We'll find it.
Did you mail that umbrella?
- Please, enjoy your dinner. - Thank you.
Thank you for coming in.
He steal umbrella from Dallas Omni Hotel.
- She slept with student! - He asked her to prom!
What? You told them?
- No, I didn't. - You swore to me.
I didn't say anything.
- He was captain of basketball team! - She blew him in car!
It was such a wonderful meal!
Thank you!
Thank you for coming, Mr. David.
Oh, my God! Look at this! Look what's going on here.
Look! Look at this!
Hey, that's my umbrella!
No! It's Dallas Omni Hotel umbrella.