[dog barking]
82% of women are in prison for nonviolent crimes.
The justice system is rigged against them.
All a women needs to do
is teeter on the edges of society's expectation of her.
And what do we do? We bang her up, often for no more than a misdemeanor.
Case in point, what are you in here for?
- Seven counts of battery and assault. - That's a bad example. What about you?
- Armed robbery. - Nope.
I had a dispute with an Uber driver.
A dispute with an Uber driver.
The little lady dared speak up, and now she's in prison.
He took the long way around,
so I stabbed him in the neck, left him for dead.
Just cut this stuff out.
[speaking indistinctly]
Anyway, I won't keep you. Hwyl fawr.
Now, while it's fresh in my mind, I got "stout," "owls" and "maps."
I definitely heard "Toffifee."
Let's try and make that happen.
It is incredibly important to me that my inmates are heard.
And I put my hands up, I don't always understand what Sian is saying.
[Sian] Hey, Laura!
[speaking indistinctly]
[chuckles]
[Laura] Or ever.
Hi, Laura.
Beautiful day, isn't it?
Probably as well as any I know.
Good times.
[sighs]
But it's not Sian's responsibility to make herself understood.
It is my responsibility to understand her.
I snapped at her the other day and I feel very bad about that.
So I'm going to make it up to her. Enter Ioan.
I don't know why I didn't think of this before.
He is a guard from a sister prison, and he's Welsh.
And he's agreed to come down and act as translator.
He's from a valley in Wales, and so is Sian, probably.
So that should work out quite well.
We've been emailing back and forth. Some very good bants.
And as you can see, he's quite a dish.
[chuckles]
Yum-yum.
Are we single?
- I decided to put my career first. - Did you?
Not this career.
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ba-ba-da-da ♪
[Cheryl] Writing and performing our own musical is a challenge,
but I'm really impressed the way everyone's got on board.
This is, uh, more personal to them.
So it starts, "I'm a faceless person, forgotten and unknown,
frightened that mistakes I've made define me."
Read that first line again.
"I'm a faceless person, forgotten and unknown."
[playing melancholy chords]
Yeah, that's nice.
How about this?
♪ I'm a faceless person ♪
♪ Forgotten and unknown ♪
♪ Forgotten and unknown, oh, oh, oh... ♪
Blimey.
♪ Oh ♪
♪ I'm forgotten, I'm forgotten ♪
♪ I'm forgotten and unknown ♪
That kind of Elton feel to it, I think.
Or...
♪ I'm a faceless person ♪
♪ Forgotten and unknown ♪
Ooh, hoo-hoo-hoo. Britain has got talent. Give me that again.
♪ Frightened that mistakes I've made Define me ♪
Yeah.
♪ I'm a hopeless dreamer ♪
♪ Dreaming all alone ♪
- Yeah! See, that's nice. - Mmm! Mmm!
- What you did before... - Mm-hmm.
...don't do it again.
- Okay. - From the top.
It's not everyone's cup of tea, coming into a place like this,
'cause you've got a lot of different personalities to manage.
And some of those personalities have killed people.
The Kardashian story is very much my story.
There's a little bit of all of them in me.
Kim: "I'm excited."
Kourtney: "I'm excited."
Khloé: "I'm excited."
Kylie: "I'm excited."
Kendall: "I'm excited."
So I think you'll agree it's a very exciting prospect.
Noted.
[snarls silently]
- "I'm excited!" - [whiny] "I'm excited."
- "I'm excited!" - [nasally] "I'm excited!"
And that is how we agreed that the Kardashian medley was an integral part
of this devised piece of prison theater.
♪ I'm excited ♪
♪ I'm excited, I'm excited ♪
♪ I'm excited ♪
♪ I'm excited, I'm excited ♪
♪ I'm excited ♪
♪ Excited! ♪
I've never felt so fucking at peace.
This whole experience is a game changer for me.
I mean, I'm used to being a solitary performer,
and now I find myself the linchpin of an ensemble.
And it is proper fucking artistic stuff too.
This is it for me now.
Head down, do my time, get out.
There's a new world waiting for me out there,
and it is called "the theater."
This is fucking great!
[whispers] Jesus Christ.
Fucking killing me!
Fuck!
[spraying]
Did you just spread yogurt on your head?
It is hair mist. Just another way to scent.
- It smells strong. - Thank you.
- Is it for Ioan? - What's "Yo-an"?
The Welsh guard whom whose photo you've been looking at all morning.
- "Eye-oh-an." - "Yo-an."
- Spell it? - I-O-A-N.
"Eye-oh-an."
- "Yo-an." - "Yo-an"?
Are you part Welsh?
- You making up your own hours now? - I was having my scan.
Oh! Did they give you that little picture that looks like an alien?
I didn't bother keeping it. I've got no one to show it to.
Did they tell you what you're having?
Don't need to. I can tell it's a girl. Poor cow.
- What is that smell? - It's hair mist.
Oh, didn't you know? It's just another way to scent.
[sighs]
Is he a bit of a knob?
Oh, yes. I thought you knew. He's a massive knob.
♪ My mammy's in the house My mammy's in the house ♪
♪ Who's in the house? She's in the house My mammy's in the house ♪
Definitely this time. My mammy's coming to visit!
Can't wait. I've not seen her since, like, I've been in here.
'Cause we've both been, you know, really busy.
Plus, it just breaks her heart to see me in here,
so it's no wonder she's not come before now.
We've got so much lost time to make up.
That's why we're gonna cane it on this road trip.
Road trip!
Yeah!
- [hoop rattles] - You better fucking have got that.
I mean, that's just, like, fucking...
That's like...
That's White Men Can't Jump shit, that is.
You fucking... You didn't get it? Are you fucking joking?
Go on, girl.
Get in.
- [net swishes] - [cheering]
Yes!
- Right there, did you get it? - Wow.
Did you get that?
They didn't fucking get it!
- [inmates] Aw! - Are you... Are you joking with me?
Again? Do you know how hard that is?
[Ange] Things are getting worse with Anastasia.
Please, Anastasia, I'm gonna have to get a guard.
No, you're not, because snitches get stitches.
What have I ever done to you? [gasps]
But with my newfound prison confidence,
I spoke to Vicki, who spoke to Laura,
who moved me back here with Fat Pat, where I belong.
- [groans] - [wet plopping]
Heaven.
[plopping continues]
Don't patronize me because you think I'm blind.
All right, then. [laughs]
[all] Oh!
Serves her right.
- I've got a new business. - What's your new business?
- Robbing herbs. - How's business?
It'll take thyme, but we're gonna make a mint.
[laughter]
I don't get it.
"Thyme" with a Y, boo.
I've got a new business.
- Oh, God. - What's your new business?
- Selling spices. - How's business?
Oregano.
- No, that doesn't work. - Come on, boo. Focus.
Go on, Sal.
It's kinder to look away.
- [inmate groans] - [Sal] That didn't go in, did it?
- Not in the hoop, boo, no. - [Ange] I'll get it.
Having a nice time with your new cellmate, you little snitch?
Yes, thank you. I'm having a really nice time.
And it means I don't have to tolerate any more of your nonsense,
you nasty streak of piss.
- [laughter] - Yes, Ange!
Yeah!
Charlee spudded me.
Like that.
I just went with it.
Come on, Flange!
Coming!
You got this? Inmates' art.
Not bad, is it?
I mean, it's not bad.
And then some of them...
Cutting out shapes.
[sniffs]
It's a mixed bag, innit?
"Pat Pat."
Now she's gotta be 40-odd.
And this...
Oh, here's what we'll do.
I'll draw this.
I'm thinking, "Oh, do you know what would make it look better?"
If I shade it in more.
So I'll do it again.
What I won't do is shade that one in more.
I mean, what is it?
♪ I have found myself ♪
♪ With songs from the inside Songs from the inside ♪
[chattering]
Viv, can I have a quick word?
Just a moment. Let me shake off Kourtney.
Go on.
It's hard for me to say this, but I feel you have a right to know.
Look, I think you're incredibly talented,
which is why I'm so angry right now with what's going on.
Right.
I've tried to keep it from you. Oh, maybe I just shouldn't say anything.
Okay.
Ange is telling everyone that all your Kardashians sound the same.
I see.
"Mammy."
I don't suppose you got any Toffifee.
No, that's Fi. I'm Sal. But, no, we don't have any toffee.
No, Toffifee.
That's right, no toffee.
But again, I'm Sal, and that's Fi.
Yeah, I know, Sal. I'm not asking for toffee.
Good, because we haven't got any.
I'm asking about those things you get at Christmas.
You know, caramel cup with a chocolate button on top.
- You mean "To-fee-fee"? - No, I mean "Toffee-fee."
- Okay, let's leave it. - [Fi] Do you mean "To-fa-fee"?
You call Toffifee, "To-fa-fee," Fi?
What's a "fa-fee-fee"? It's "To-fa-fee."
I don't know. To-fee-fee. To-fa-fee. To-foo-foo.
Bloody minefield this is, isn't it?
Call it what you like! I don't want any trouble!
Sorry. Sorry.
Sometimes I forget I'm in a safe place.
He can't get me here.
But the triggers are still there.
The last time I mispronounced something, I ended up with three stitches in my head.
That's the beauty of prison, though.
The freedom.
To-fee-fee!
[Laura] Sal is one of the few people
whose life genuinely improved when she got here.
From day one, her relief was palpable.
All she wanted was to start again.
And when Cal arrived, she got her wish.
They like being together so much,
they deliberately nixed their parole hearings
to extend their stay.
They have been very creative over the years.
Come on, ladies. You know this isn't the answer.
Shut it, screw!
So sorry, Gary!
[Laura] I know I look like a soft touch for allowing it,
but they're not hurting anyone,
apart from Gary.
Why shouldn't they have a bit of happiness?
Plus, he can be quite annoying.
[Ros] It's all our families, look!
[chattering]
["Pumpin' Irony" playing]
[music distorts, stops]
Get the fuck...
- [gasps] Mammy! - You look like shite.
Oh!
I can't... I can't believe you're here.
Oh!
I-I know... I know it sounds mad, but I-I thought you were never gonna come.
I got you some of your favorites.
I don't like Doritos.
Oh. Those are for me.
Took me ages getting through the security. Place is a joke, wasting my time.
- Is that Willis woman still the governor? - Laura. Yeah.
Yeah, she's the one who's making the "Songs From the Inside" thing happen.
Yeah, as governors go, she's all right.
She's a fucking waste of space.
Fucking waste of space and I don't like her.
Oh! It's so good to see you!
Well, I can't stay long.
I've got to go and see a man about the camper van.
[Ros] You what?
- You've already found us a camper van? - Gotta pay for it by the end of the week.
Otherwise, we lose the fucker.
- How much is it? - How much is in the joint account?
9,700.
This is 9,705.
Are you... Shit! Are you fucking joking?
That's so close! What are we gonna do?
- It's all right. I can make up the extra. - For real?
Fucking great!
So you need to transfer all the cash over from that stupid bastard Sebastian to me.
Wait, Mammy. I have a whole month left in here.
Why don't we keep Sebastian on the hook? Get him paying into the account still?
Then when I get out, we got loads more money to spend!
Because I have to pay for it by the end of the week.
Why don't you listen, you half-wit mongrel?
Now get the money transferred so I can pay the man,
and we can go on the road trip of a lifetime in a fucking camper van.
[inhales deeply]
I just want everything to be nice when you come out.
I'll get those little air fresheners in the shape of a tree.
Yeah. Stickers that say, "You just got passed by a girl."
Fun stuff like that.
I want to be here, waiting to pick you up in it
when you walk through that door.
That's all I want.
Oh. Mammy...
So you'll transfer the money, will you?
So there's one less thing for me to worry about?
Of course!
Great! Gotta bounce. See youse in a month.
Wait, I'll see you in two weeks for the show.
- What? - I got you a front-row seat.
- See you! - See youse!
[chattering]
You gotta duck and dive, babe. You gotta... Boom! Don't you?
You gotta... Oh, got you there, didn't I? Nearly got you there. Come on. Come on.
Ducking and diving.
Fuck!
[exhales sharply]
[chattering]
Teaching 'em well.
♪ A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly He's also known as a buster ♪
♪ Always talking 'bout what he wants And just sits on his broke ass ♪
- ♪ So... ♪ - ♪ No ♪
♪ I don't want your number ♪
♪ No, I don't wanna give you mine ♪
♪ And no, I don't wanna meet you nowhere ♪
♪ No, I don't want none of your time ♪
- ♪ And no, I don't want no scrub ♪ - [applause]
OMG, you guys!
Too cute.
[gasps] We should livestream this. Yay!
This is a TikTok in the making, 'cause all that...
♪ No, I don't want... ♪
People love that, don't they?
Oh, I forgot to say. Ioan's here.
Mmm!
That hair mist is still holding up.
Hey. Mind your business. It's just another way to scent.
[Gary] Here we go. Come on, then.
[chattering, laughing]
It's... It's easy!
He checks one. He checks two. He checks three.
[inmate] Oh!
Oh!
- [radio chatter] - Come on.
Hello, everyone.
Bore da, Sian.
That just means hello.
Bore da, Yoon.
I-yoon.
I-yoon. Yoo-yoon.
- Ah-yoon. - Ioan.
Can I call you Ian?
- Yeah. - Diolch.
Okay. Here we are, together at last. [chuckles]
I am immensely proud of the diversity in this prison.
Obviously, I can't take any credit. That's just a happy coincidence.
But if it were up to me,
I would pack this place to the rafters with all sorts of minorities.
The more the merrier.
Because, in my book,
our differences are what make us the same.
I don't actually have a book, but I do have a TED Talk coming up.
It's called, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings."
But I can tell you all about that later, Ian.
We are here because I want to understand your Welshness, Sian.
These are Welsh.
Welsh cakes.
And it is this area of Welshness that I'm most interested in.
[speaks indistinctly]
I know how uprooted you feel about being here, I think.
How every day challenges your sense of Celtic pride and self,
I'm guessing.
I see it, I feel it, and it hurts.
That's why Ian's here.
To make sense of your pain/accent.
Over to you, Sian.
Oh, well... [speaking indistinctly]
Yeah, so, uh...
[speaking indistinctly]
...my kids to come see it.
Uh, what else? Oh, I know.
[speaking indistinctly]
Well, don't... don't sugarcoat it for me, Ian.
How bad is it?
First of all, can I just tell you... [speaking indistinctly]
[continues indistinctly]
...great idea. Probably yours, right?
Do it again and lead me in.
♪ I don't want your number ♪
- See, missed it already. - Didn't know you were gonna start then.
- ♪ I don't wanna give you mine... ♪ - No.
- Too soon. - No. That was "no" as in, "I'm not ready."
Why did you sing it then?
♪ I don't wanna meet you nowhere ♪
- ♪ No ♪ - I was pointing for ages then.
♪ I don't want none of your time ♪
- ♪ No ♪ - Yes!
Yes? I thought it was no.
- No, I was just saying... - Oh, just forget it. Forget it.
It's stupid.
Oh, she did mention a... [speaking indistinctly]
[speaks indistinctly]
[Ioan speaking indistinctly]
[speaks indistinctly]
[both] Legend!
Right. Well, that has cleared up a lot of things.
Thank you.
I mean, these are just flat scones, aren't they?
Quite dry.
♪ Ah ♪
♪ You think I've nothing to say ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Ah, ah ♪
Three weeks in and this is where we find ourselves.
They've made all this up.
As far as I can gather, the main themes are women, prison and violence,
so no one's strayed too far out of their comfort zone.
But it has been set to a banging tune, and the finale's a big ol' knife fight.
I mean, fair play to them. They've jumped right in.
I wouldn't have had Pat Pat down as a street dancer,
but she is surprisingly light on her feet.
- ♪ Ah ♪ - ♪ Because you can't hear me ♪
♪ That I ain't got much to say ♪
♪ You think I've nothing to say ♪
- ♪ ...the inside, songs from the inside ♪ - ♪ You lock me up and forget me ♪
- ♪ You can find yourself ♪ - ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
- [Cal] ♪ ...yourself ♪ - ♪ Ah, ah ♪
♪ Ah, ah ♪
All right, Big Viv.
Don't worry about this massive grin on my chops. My solicitor's just told me...
- [Viv growls] - [Ange screams]
Ooh!
- [shouts] - [inmate] Bloody hell!
Sorry about that.
It's just something that had to be done.
- What did I do? What did I do? - Ange, please, try to calm some.
To be fair, I am late for my break.
Thank you so much, Ioan.
Yoan... Yo... The rest of it.
[thick Welsh accent] My pleasure, Laura, my absolute pleasure.
Look, I know it's not strictly professional
but I feel this great connection between us.
I'm down here a couple of days and I'd really like to see you again.
I mean I'd really like to see you again.
Uh...
[imitates accent] Ain't that the truth?
- [both chuckle] - [alarm blaring]
Oh, that will be for me.
Oh yeah, yeah, off you go.
Saved by the bloody bell. What's the point? What's the point?
She's cracking isn't she?
And I know it sounds silly, but her hair smells lovely.
♪ Ooh ♪
All right, gay boy.
Not gay, boo. Just from Essex.
- [Fat Pat laughs, wolf whistles] - [Pat Pat] Yeah, right.
Yeah, you wish.
[laughs]
Pretty dramatic day all around.
Not really.
Ange is going to be fine.
It wasn't a broken nose, just a perforated septum,
so no long-term breathing difficulties, probably.
Big Viv is back in solitary and has requested access to the Sky Arts channel.
Request denied.
Fucking excited now, are ya?
Shame about Ian.
I thought there was a spark, but couldn't understand a word he said.
As for Sian's request, prison regulations forbid live nocturnal animals.
I made an exception for the stout.
For you.
And your Toffifee.
Oh, Toffifee! [chuckles]
Just have to keep plugging away and hope my ear adjusts.
Onwards.
Still, Charlee gave me this.
And our TikTok has been viewed by upwards of 156 people.
We're practically trending, so pretty good day all around.
[TLC] ♪ Don't want none of your time ♪ ♪ And no, I don't want no scrub ♪
♪ A scrub is a guy That can't get no love from me ♪
♪ Hangin' out the passenger side Of his best friend's ride ♪
♪ Trying to holla at me ♪
♪ I don't want no scrub ♪
♪ A scrub is a guy That can't get no love from me ♪
♪ Hangin' out the passenger side Of his best friend's ride ♪
♪ Trying to holla at me ♪
♪ There's a scrub checkin' me But his game is kinda weak ♪
♪ And I know that he cannot approach me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm looking like class And he's looking like trash ♪
♪ Can't get with a deadbeat ♪
♪ So no, I don't want your number ♪
♪ No, I don't want to give you mine ♪
♪ And no I don't want to meet you nowhere... ♪