So, while Sugar found a novel way to get off a drug smuggling charge,
l got together with Saint by sacrificing uber-nerd Melissa
to Anna, the psycho bitch.
Who says crime doesn't pay?
One way or another
I'm gonna find ya
I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha
One way or another I'm gonna win ya
I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha
One way or another
I'm gonna see ya
I'm gonna meetcha meetcha meetcha meetcha
One day, maybe next week
I'm gonna meetcha, I'm gonna meetcha, I'll meetcha
I will drive past your house
I'll see who's around...
'lt's been 48 hours, and l haven't fucked it up yet.'
Right, what can l help you with?
'l've already negotiated the most difficult question
'of any new relationship.'
Lesbian art house or multiplex?
'And despite choosing the wrong answer...'
Oh God. That has to be one of the worst films l've ever seen.
'..she still seemed to like me.'
Five different speeds.
'And it couldn't just be about sex, because we hadn't even slept together yet.'
So that was good.
Apart from the movie.
Oh yeah, apart from the movie.
l had an all right time.
An all right time?
Yeah.
l'll see you then.
'With Anna, it was all nasty one night stands.
'With Saint, it was different.
'Thinking about all the things l wanted to do to her was fine. More than fine.'
VlBRATlNG
You're probably gonna need some lube.
'But in reality, satisfying the girl who worked in a sex shop
'was a frightening prospect.
'She'd invited me back to her place for lunch, whatever that meant.'
'What if she had accessories l'd never seen?
'What if l couldn't strap them on right?
'What if l put the wrong end in the wrong place?'
Put the Black Cherry in the Tuff Luv,
pass me the clit pump and let's start to play.
- Kim? - Yes?
Tuna or ham?
Tuna, thanks.
So, it must be convenient living here.
l mean, you don't have far to go.
l usually end up at college with the wrong books, or the wrong bag...
Yeah, well, it's particularly convenient if l'm fitting
somebody that l fancy downstairs and l wanna give myself half an hour off.
God, you're paranoid.
So that was a joke, right?
Maybe.
You've got something on your...
So how do you wanna do this?
Shit.
l sound like Anna.
l hope you're not like Anna.
Sweetheart, we don't have to do anything.
We can just sit right here,
and we can watch TV together.
OK?
In your solitude
You're lost again
And it's no easy game
Finding your way
But I've turned the moon down low
So you can sleep
And I hold you close
To hear you breathe
There's a boat to the other side
So you can get home tonight
In the morning you will rise
And think you're dreaming
There's a boat to the other side
So you can get home tonight
In the morning you will rise
And think you're dreaming
And I've turned the moon down low
So you can sleep
And I hold you close
To hear you breathe
There's a boat to the other side
So you can get home tonight
In the morning you will rise
And think you're dreaming
There's a boat to the other side
So you can get home tonight
In the morning you will rise
And think you're dreaming
Listen and respect your place in this universe
Go outside, go outside...
That wasn't half as scary as l thought it was gonna be.
GlGGLlNG
Shugs, you're gonna be fine.
l thought you'd be pleased to be getting out of here.
l am.
So what's the problem? You don't have a fat arse.
You don't have a heroin habit.
Yeah, but my tits are shrivelled.
Look at them, they've just given up.
Just cos there's nobody to pay them any attention.
You've gotta chuck yourself back out there.
Things have a habit of working themselves out.
You'll see.
You've had a shag, haven't you?
No.
Where else has all this philosophical, self-help bullshit come from?
- A big fat orgasm that's where. - Shhh.
You're so bloody obvious, Kizza. Let me smell your fingers.
- Oi! - Post-sex glow.
So, what's this one like then?
Serious about her?
Well, you know, l'm just picking them up...
Moving on.
How many people have you had up here?
Only you.
Or 365.
Oh l see.
Neither's true.
But at the moment,
only you.
l don't do this all the time, you know?
Well, I certainly don't.
Only twice, in fact.
Anna and...?
Oh, nobody you know.
Sugar.
l don't really see her any more.
l think it's great you're getting your end away.
Means you don't have to rely on me.
And like you said, we can still be best friends.
- Course. - Which is a good thing.
Seeing as l haven't exactly been swamped with visitors.
Eighteen months and only you.
That's not true.
So l was thinking...
seeing as you're so desperate to come here, you won't mind seeing
a bit more of me on the outside?
Yeah, course.
So can l stay then?
l haven't got anywhere else to go, Kiz.
That might be a bit difficult.
ls it Nathan?
No.
You then?
Well, l mean it's all right.
Karen's getting out this week so l can just kip with her.
Might get a bit awkward when she starts turning tricks.
But l'll be all right.
So does Sugar have any special dietary requirements?
She only eats cock.
Ha! Sorry.
l haven't said yes yet.
Don't you think it's harsh dumping her when she needs you the most?
- Evil cow. - Adopted twat. l'm not dumping her.
l'm just taking a back seat for a while.
So does she have anywhere else she can go?
Look, for God's sake, it's her own fault she's in prison.
'lf only she could have stayed in there another couple of months.
'The timing was crap.
'l didn't want to think about Sugar.
'Nobody was going to burst my bubble.'
She's hard to pin down, isn't she?
Anyone would think she's still into men.
l think she left that behind a very long time ago.
What?
Nothing. l just presumed she would've told you.
l think she was too busy telling me how much she wanted to fuck me.
'Not even psycho bitch could dent my happiness.'
l've got a really early start, but l'll give you a call. Sweet dreams.
'Never been sweeter.'
Morning!
'Love made the world seem so good.
'l was determined to spread the happiness around.'
You can stay.
And you'll pick me up? ln a car, that is.
And l'm not going down on you.
'l'd found the perfect girlfriend.'
Surprise!
GlGGLlNG
Who is it?
Kim.
'OK, so l'm sure there was a perfectly reasonable explanation
'as to why they were both semi-naked, soaking wet, giggling like idiots.
'After all, l trusted her.'
Anyone would think she's still into men.
'She wouldn't lie to me.'
Listen, l've got a really early start,
but l'll give you a call, yeah?
'Surely l hadn't found myself another Sugar?'
Kim, this is Mark.
- l was just fixing the boiler. - Yeah, right!
He's an old friend of mine.
'That's the problem with trust... lt sucks.
'l'd left myself wide open.'
Just presume she'd have told you, that's all.
Whatever!
What's wrong?
l didn't know you had an ex.
l assumed you would have an ex.
But l thought maybe he would be a she.
Sarah? Coke?
Yeah, please.
Kim?
That would be delightful.
l didn't know you were called Sarah either.
l'm sorry, all right?
l haven't seen him in ages, but l didn't know who else to call.
We were never really that serious. He's just useful to have around.
Here we are then.
lt's good to be back.
'Never serious, my arse.'
So, Kim, you're a student?
You're a plumber.
No, no. Architect. Which university?
Actually, Kim's still doing her A-levels.
Oh... l met Sarah at sixth form college. She was a right swot.
That is such a lie!
'l wish.'
Can you pass me a straw?
'He was a proper adult with a proper job and a proper penis.
'Let's face it... l couldn't compete.'
So, it was nice to meet you.
lt was nice to meet you too. 'Cock sucking sonofabitch.'
l'll see you later then.
What? l thought we were gonna do something.
l can't drag him all the way out here, then desert him.
Come round later, yeah?
Will l get you all to myself?
Absolutely.
Bye.
'l couldn't help but wonder how long it would be before she missed men.
'How long it would be before she missed...'
Cock. Well, that's what it comes down to, isn't it?
Plus, this whole lesbian thing's not really natural.
Even cavemen know that if you wanna get a fire going, you need a stick,
and a hole. Not two holes. l suppose it's all right to experiment.
Like l did with you. And you did with Tom, but...
But you can't swing both ways forever, can you?
And trust me, once you've had a nice hard cock,
there's no way you wanna stick your lips around a load of fish.
Fish with toilet paper stuck to it.
Urgh.
'Talking of being mad for cock, Stella was meeting our new neighbours.'
- (Nathan) Nice to meet you. - l'm Ted.
Stella.
That's an awful lot of equipment you've got there, Ted.
l'm a fitness instructor.
You should come round some time.
You'll give her a free session, won't you, Ted?
See ya. >
'Some women just can't help themselves.'
Bye!
'Sometimes life gives you it all, just so it can take it away again.'
KNOCKlNG
Yes, Dad.
How did you know it was me?
Cos you're the only one who knocks.
ls anything wrong?
l'm fine. You?
l couldn't be better.
Dad?
Do you think it's possible to stay with the same person?
Possible - yeah.
Easy - no.
What if there's a side of their personality that you don't trust?
You mean like your mother's desire for young, fit men?
Yeah.
Well, no obviously...
There'll always be something you have to compromise on, Kim.
ln the end, love is about sticking your neck on the line.
And knowing that it's probably going to get chopped off.
Close your eyes.
'So there l was - sticking my neck on the line again.'
There you go.
'Sugar was right...'
Wanna try it on?
'..she did miss cock.
'This was the compromise she was making to be with me...'
lt vibrates as well.
So, the new neighbours seem nice, don't they?
Yeah, l suppose.
That Ted looks like one to watch.
''Fitness instructor''.
Nice body, shame about the brain.
l didn't notice.
- Really? - No.
lt's just that you er......
were kind of flirting with him.
Do you have to do that?
Nathan.
That's just the way l am.
l'm not going to jump into bed with everyone l smile at.
l'm with you.
And only you.
OK?
You're just gonna have to trust me a bit more.
l do.
l promise... l do.
You better be making me breakfast,
and you better be bringing it back to bed.
Ah, hello.
What are you doing here?
l came back to check the boiler.
There's nothing wrong with the bloody boiler.
Would l be standing here in my underwear if l was cold?
So how did you get in?
l've still got a set.
All right, that's it. This isn't funny any more.
- You're still sleeping with him. - No.
You're not a lesbian at all. You're addicted to cock.
This is all one big cover-up for the customers.
''Of course l'm gay, you bunch of sad, dried up old queers.
''Please buy my dildos.''
Hi there.
That's the hypotenuse...
Don't ask!
ls it supposed to be that big?
l hope not Matt. l hope not.
Square of the other two...
Question four.
KNOCKlNG
No, l don't want to explain to you how to use it.
And no, you can't use it on Stella!
Who's Stella?
OK, l think there may have been a few things l said that were out of order, earlier.
Does that include the bit where you accused me of pretending to be gay?
l didn't know about him.
You didn't give me a chance to tell you.
He's clearly still in love with you.
No, he's not.
We broke up ages ago.
Has he got another girlfriend?
No, but,
it's not like he's the last person l went out with.
l didn't even know your real name.
Well, l don't know who Stella is.
Maybe she's your secret lover.
Er...
no.
We're having a good time, right?
So will you stop worrying?
'lt's a wonderful feeling when everything's out in the open.'
< Kimmy?
Well, almost everything.
l'm Fiona Stephenson, Sugar's social worker.
l've come to do some final checks.
l understand that she'll be sharing a room with you, Kim.
So let me get this straight.
l can't have my ex over to fix the boiler.
But you can move yours into your bed.
She's not gonna be in my bed.
l can't believe that tomorrow
l'll be back on the dirty streets of Brighton.
l'm gonna stay out all night.
And then stay in bed, all day.
You could at least try and look happy for me.
Sorry.
What are you so bothered about?
l thought you were just ''picking them up, and moving on''.
Not exactly.
Well, if you ask me, she's jealous.
Come on, it's textbook. Why would
she give a shit who you shacked up with, if she didn't really care?
Duh!
'The more l thought about it, the more l hoped Sugar was right.
'Could it be that l, Kim Daniels, had not only satisfied
'the girl from the sex shop, but l'd also got under her skin?'
'Sugar had finally served her time,
'but my punishment was just beginning.'
Repeat after me, l'm a hypocritical cow...
l am a hypocritical cow.
..who must learn to trust her girlfriend.
Girlfriend?
l will.
l will!
Do you trust me?
l'm letting your ex stay in your room.
Shit. What time is it?
5.30.
Why?
You don't have to go, do you?
Well, technically, l can't. Can l?
GlGGLlNG
KlZZZZAAAAA!!!