Welcome to Cardinal Lanes, okay?
- Home of the 7-10 Split Nachos. - Yeah.
Seven jalapeños, ten olives.
Ugh!
And we like to take the olives
and shove them in house balls.
It's literally iconic.
Okay, no.
But seriously, we're here for business, okay?
We're actually scouting.
We're checking if this would be a good spot
for my dad's bachelor party.
- Mm-hmm. - 'Cause I don't know
if you've heard, but I'm actually the best man,
so kind of up to me to throw a rager.
Well, originally he asked me to do it
because I'm, like, an actual man.
Pssh. Oh, my God. No, he didn't.
Okay, well, originally originally, he asked his best friend, Danny Foster,
but Danny has to stay within a three-mile radius
of Dayton because he stole a bunch of copper wire,
so then he asked me, yeah.
Yeah, but then I reminded him
I'm way better at throwing parties, so...
And, like, you're kind of lacking
in, like, the "what dads like" department,
you know, 'cause you don't have a dad.
I still haven't told Kelly I found my dad,
but I'm thinking if this night goes really well,
you know, it might be a perfect time
to drop the truth bomb on her.
You know, she might be drunk and not completely kill me
for keeping it secret for so long, but we'll see.
Shrub, you're up.
Ew!
Kelly, guacamole, sour cream, and olives?
- Are you kidding me? - Guaca-holey!
- Don't. - Yes.
Don't. Don't.
No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Don't, don't, don't. - Hey, hey.
Hey, stop!
- Ew! - Tastes pretty good, huh?
It has been hard sharing custody since the breakup.
Emily Chicken son is for sure having abandonment issues,
but I think it softens the blow for Joe.
Also, I'm not allowed livestock at the place I'm staying.
Truthfully, I think it helps Cheryl
to know that we have the chickens to bond over,
although I do admit,
it's nice having them around since she moved out.
And Shrub.
Shrub moved out before her.
It's just me and the chickens.
Joe and the gals.
We're great.
Jesus!
Why?
- How you doing, buddy? - I'm great!
Okay, weird.
Well, we are here to invite you to my dad's bachelor party!
Ooh-ooh-ooh!
Men only, minus me 'cause I'm the best man.
Oh, and I am... well, I'm the best man too.
Two best men. Yep.
This is great. So great!
No.
You've gotta be kidding me.
What the hell?
The reason I called a meeting
of the entire Flatch town building is becau...
Wait, is this really everybody that works in the building?
- Oh, yeah, it's a small town. - Mm-hmm.
Also, I don't work here.
Me and Cheryl are about to start
our Wednesday Wines-day lunch.
- Hey, hey! - Ooh.
Day drinking. I love that.
Okay, but listen up. Seriously, we got a problem.
Pretty sure you're all aware
that we have a very active porch pirate in town right now,
and that is not a good look when you're trying
to lure a major butter museum to Flatch.
I have actually been tracking this story,
and it turns out that 14 packages have been stolen
in the last month.
He stole my new espresso maker this morning!
- Another espresso maker? - Yeah.
But this one's lemon zest yellow.
Oh, my gosh. I love that so much.
- You're so stylish. - Thanks.
Anyway, we need to catch this guy.
Oh, my gosh, it says my ten-pound bag
of grub worms was delivered two days ago.
What is this freak doing with my grub worms?
Who takes food out of the mouths of innocent chickens?
I propose we join forces and catch this guy.
Ooh, yes, neighborhood watch ladies detective team.
- Exciting. - Yes.
We set out packages and catch him in the act.
I got a bear trap we can use.
I gotta clean it first, though.
Yeah.
Oh, you mean...
You mean catch him and then call the police.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's... That's what we all meant.
So the bowling alley was not a good fit.
You know, they're not our people, right?
- Yeah, no. - Plain and simple.
You know, 'cause if we're throwing a blowout party
for an absolute maniac in the best way... my dad...
I mean, yeah, we're gonna need somewhere that can handle us.
Yeah, enter Major Shirley Lance's Lazer Tag Park!
"Flatch's only certified lazer tag park!
Real-life war simulation! Plenty of on-site parking!"
I don't have to tell you everything,
- but it's gonna be epic. - Yeah.
I mean, my dad's gonna love it. It's gonna be the party of the century.
Oh, this laser tag place looks so sick,
but if I'm being honest,
I'm also kind of worried for Kel, you know?
I mean, not to be negative,
but Bobby's not really the most popular guy in town.
I'll see you there. I'll see you there.
Gonna have a blast.
See you there, sir.
Most people we've tried to invite have been a hard pass.
I'm sorry, do you have a problem with my dad?
What was that?
Yeah, he's a jerk.
You just hate the guy for no reason? Cool.
No, I hate him for the very specific reason
that he punched me in the face over a parking spot.
Even though he's acting creepy over his breakup,
at least we got Joe coming and Mickey and Dylan.
So here's to hoping Bobby actually shows.
You know, it's kind of ironic, actually,
'cause my dad has been showing up for me
every Thursday at 6:00 p. m. sharp.
So welcome to our third class on audition techniques.
Tonight, how to mime talking on the phone.
But first, just a quick bit of business
for Daniel Stewart.
Mr. Stewart?
Oh, yes. Hi.
Sorry. Yeah, that's me. Right.
Mr. Stewart, the Venmo that you sent for last week's class
still just did not go through.
Oh, what? Are you kidding? Again?
Dude. Oh, man, that's...
Banks literally suck, am I right?
I've been going under the name Daniel Stewart
because I'm not really ready for him to know my true identity yet
but also because Daniel Stewart is very notably
the son of one of the greatest thespians to ever live,
Sir Patrick Stewart.
And if he's thinking about it, he'll be like,
"Oh, my God, that's Patrick Stewart's son.
"He's the son of a great thespian.
Wait a second. I'm a great thespian."
"He's not Patrick Stewart's son.
"He's my son," or something like that.
And now that you've gathered all that energy in a ball,
bounce it off the wall and catch it.
Whoa.
Wow. Way to commit, Mr. Stewart.
Thank you. That surprised me as well.
Hey, listen, I was thinking
that maybe we could do some, like, scene work,
like, I don't know, maybe like that scene from "Star Wars"
where it's Luke and Darth.
And I'm just like, "You killed my father!"
And Darth is like, "No, I am your father!"
And, like, maybe you can be Darth,
and I'll be Luke, and I don't know,
we wrap it up with that scene from "Field of Dreams"
where we play catch at the end.
Sadly, we are actually out of time.
But, you know, great work, everyone.
Just yes.
Night, Dad.
Welcome to the war zone.
Looking good, soldiers.
Red squad looks ready to roll.
How's blue doing?
Blue team is doing amazing, sir ma'am.
We are waiting for one team member,
General Bobby Mallet, to show up.
But he is sprinting here
from the Pentagon, finishing up a prior mission.
We don't joke about military ops.
Joking around is how you lose a leg!
Actually, drunk Jet Skiing is how I lost my leg,
but they don't need to know that.
The red squad is definitely made up
of the gentler gentlemen,
but it'll be fun exercising our bloodthirsty sides.
I've never even fired a gun,
but we did have a laser disc player when I was a kid.
I've seen "Xanadu," like, 100 times.
So funny!
Forgetting something, Lieutenant?
- Thank you. - So I have some, like,
- really good news. - Hey, Kel!
Dad, yes! Oh, my God, he's here.
Hi. Dead man walking.
RIP.
I don't think we've actually met.
I'm Dylan.
- Dylan. - Oh, you're gonna
- love this guy. - Dylan the Villain.
Dylan the Villain.
- I like that. - That's good.
So... this is it?
This is Bobby's bachelor party?
- Uh... - Where is everybody?
This is all that Best Man Shrub could get together,
so Best Man Kel made the sign outside.
It's gonna be really fun.
Cheers, guys. Let's do it.
Drink up.
"Fragile rare antiques." Nice touch.
Okay, the bait is set.
I mean, if I was a porch pirate,
I would be all over this.
All right, so should we dig a foxhole,
rub ourselves in dirt, and then wait for him underground later?
I love that,
but I was thinking what we could do
is maybe go inside and look out for him through the blinds
and make a big batch of Barb-aritas.
Oh, yes, queen!
Yeah, that works for me.
This shovel only gets more useful when I'm drunk.
Pow!
Oh!
If a laser hits you, you are dead.
If you leave the boundary area, you are dead.
And what happens if you disobey any of the major's rules?
That is how you lose a leg!
Now, the battle will commence
in three, two,
one.
- Move out! - Go, go, go, go!
- Go, go! - Go, go, go, go!
- I got your back. - I got your back. Come on!
Hey.
Hey, dude, I totally kicked ass with this party.
- Yeah. - This is going so good.
- Yeah. Yeah. - Hope my dad's having a blast.
- Hey, speaking of Dads, so... - Hey, Kel.
Hi.
Can we switch guns? My sight broke.
Oh, my God, duh.
Thanks, K-Dog.
Stay frosty out there, all right?
- Mm-hmm. - You too.
- Hey... - Okay, Dad-Dog.
We'll talk soon. We'll talk soon, okay?
I gotta go.
No bites yet.
Here is a fresh Barb-arita.
Wait. What makes it a Barb-arita?
Oh, I use pink lemonade.
And it's rimmed with Splenda instead of salt.
- So drink up, girl. - All righty.
- Where is Joe? - We're under heavy fire here.
He's gone rogue.
Go down! Go down!
- Nice shot, Kel! - Yes!
- Yeah! - Yes, blue team!
- Blue team... oh. - Blue! Blue!
Blue team, one.
Red team, zero.
- I've been shot! - Oh, my God.
- Man down! Man down! - Man down!
Are you okay? Did you lose a leg?
It's my heart.
I've been shot in the heart.
I think I'm dying.
Hold me.
- Um... - Uh...
Stiff as a board.
Light as a feather. Stiff as a board.
Nothing's happening, except my back hurts.
Oh, my God, I swear this used to work when we were kids.
I think it's 'cause we were 45 pounds.
Time for plan B.
Let's just keep drinking until that bastard pirates us.
- Okay. - Yes.
It's like my chest is hollowed out.
And I don't know if I'll be able to love again.
- And I don't know what to do! - Soldier!
- Snap out of it! - Mickey.
Going through a breakup is hard,
but it's not fatal, believe me.
It's just, I've never been broken up with before,
you know?
I was a teen idol. I thought I was safe.
I mean, breaking hearts, climbing the charts.
Why does it hurt so much?
Because losing something you love sucks.
Not that I really know.
I've never really been through a breakup. Nadine and I have been exclusive
since, like, fourth grade.
But I've seen "Xanadu,"
so I know loss.
You gotta uncork, bro.
You gotta talk it through and get it off your chest.
Okay.
I'm gonna try to say what I'm feeling.
Cheryl leaving me was totally crushing.
It makes me feel worthless,
useless, and alone.
Good job.
Whoa, that actually felt pretty great.
I am worthless and alone.
Feel your feels, bro.
We are a unit, and nothing will separate us.
Nothing... oh, that's Bobby.
Gotta go.
Die, dork! Die!
- No... - Go, go, go!
Kel, two down!
- Two down! - Nice work, Dad!
- Come on! Two! - Sorry, Dyl.
- Go, go, go, go! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, go!
Blue team, two!
- Okay. - Red team, zero!
Hope you're hiding, Mickey!
I'll never let you guys take me alive!
Coming to get you!
Have you seen "Xanadu"?
Never have I ever ran away from home
and joined a German traveling circus.
Oh, okay, well, that's really specific,
so that one.
Never have I ever...
been away from my chickens this long.
Wait. I don't get something.
Why does Joe get to see the chickens at all?
They're your chickens.
Well, I thought it would be a nice way
to let him down easy.
You know, Joe is surprisingly fragile.
So this guy brings you to a small town
in the middle of nowhere,
breaks up with you, and you get nothing,
but when you break up with him,
he gets your chickens for half the time?
Yeah, in a nutshell.
Well, I think Joe's not allowed to be fragile.
- I think it's bull. - It's bull.
You know what we gotta do.
Write Joe a very strongly worded email.
- No, that's stupid. - What?
We gotta your chickens back to you.
Maybe it's the Barb-aritas talking,
but I'm gonna say you can have the chickens here.
Aw!
- Stop crying. Stop. - Hey, hold on.
I need you to grab your shovel, Mandy.
We gotta go prison break some chickens, girls.
- Let's go. - Yes!
This is going better than I could have ever imagined.
My dad's really happy. He loves it.
We even have a secret bird call.
Watch this. Watch this.
That's my dad.
Also, we're crushing the red team.
Like, only Mickey's left.
Let's just say my dad and I made a little plan
to seal the win.
Stay tuned.
Here we go. Last kill of the day.
Shrub.
It's me. It's me. Any signs of Mickey?
Hey, hey, hey.
You wanted to tell me something earlier, right?
Yeah, actually, so...
What? I'm struggling to hear you.
Shrub, what are you doing out in the open?
No, wait! No!
- Mickey, die! - Mickey, die!
Yay, blue team! Yeah, you're dead, Mickey!
- Blue team wins! - Blue! Blue! Blue!
Blue! Blue! Blue! Blue!
- Told you! - Mallet! Mallet!
- Dude, we won! - Game over.
Am I 100% cool with being sacrificed by my own team?
Absolutely not.
But it's whatever, because genuinely,
I have never seen Bobby so happy in my life.
And when Bobby's happy, Kelly's happy.
I mean, literally, he's so happy.
Like, he forced us all to come out to this bar
to keep the party going and was like,
"First round's on me," which I have literally
never heard him say in my life.
And plus, now Kelly owes me one in the dad department,
so that's huge.
Listen up, everyone.
Wow!
Whoo!
Mmm.
Wow, yeah.
I know we're all feeling a lot of feelings,
trying to process a lot of emotions tonight,
so I thought it'd be good to get a few things off my chest.
Like, when the bartender guy said,
"We're all out of pretzels,"
I'm sure we all felt the same mix
- of sadness and rage. - Okay.
But we lived with the sadness, we processed it,
and then we ordered hot wings, and we moved on,
which brings me to Bobby
and the wonderful reason we're here celebrating tonight.
- Whoo! - Bobby.
Bobby. Bobby. Just remember, Bobby.
Love is a lie.
It doesn't last forever.
We come into this world alone, and we go out the same way.
We kind of fool ourselves
in between Cheryl loving us and wanting to be with us,
so we accept her chickens.
And we end up loving those chickens
just like we end up loving the dumb bartender's chicken wings.
I miss Cheryl. I miss her.
Ooh, okay.
Feels good, guys. I'm feeling my feels.
- Thank you. - Okay, Joe.
- All right, good one. - Wow!
All right, good one. Good job.
- Really good. - Thank you.
Let's hear it for Joe, everybody.
Joe.
- Hey, listen up. - Listen!
I actually want to say something.
I barely know most of you,
but something that you don't know about me
is that I have not always been the best father.
- No, that's a lie. - In fact,
I have been a freaking lousy father at times.
- Dad, that's not true. - No, no, no, no, no,
especially to Kelly.
My best man.
She has put up with so much over the years,
and still, she is always there for me.
Always there.
How lucky am I to have a kid as cool as this one right here?
Huh? Let's hear it for Kelly Mallet.
My firstborn, Kelly Mallet!
- Ah! - Mic drop.
Come here, kiddo.
Bring in the love. Come on.
Thanks, Dad.
We're gonna steal the chickens
'cause they belong with their mama.
And I wrote him this nice little note
explaining everything.
Where did everybody go?
Gotta dig these chickens out.
Okay, Barb. Up and over.
- I'm gonna take my shoes off. - Okay.
'Cause I don't want to puncture your spleen.
Thank you.
Y'all are wasting y'all time.
I'm gonna get this chicken escape tunnel done
in ten minutes.
Hey, guys.
What are you all doing?
- We're freeing your birds. - What are you doing, lady?
We're just trying to get your chickens.
It's a chicken coop. There's no lock.
- Oh. - Oh.
But this is so much more fun.
What's up, buddy? How you doing?
Like, I knew me and my dad were close,
- but that was... - That was kind of epic.
- I mean... - That was wild.
Thank you for tonight. I couldn't have done it without you.
Oh, my God. No, of course. Of course.
So actually, since it's, you know, a really big dad night,
I wanted to share some big daddy news of my own.
I, like... I found him.
I found my dad.
- What? - Yeah.
Like, I know where he is,
and I'm thinking about, like, reaching out, maybe.
I gotta be honest,
like, I do not think that's a good idea.
I don't know, I feel like it actually might be
a good idea because he might be, like...
Shrub, think about it, okay?
Like, your dad isn't like my dad.
He abandoned you when you were a baby.
You don't need that in your life.
Like, you deserve way more than that.
Hey, Kel-Kel, you're up for darts.
- Your turn. - Coming, Dad!
Forget about Lloyd, okay? You have us.
- We're your family, dude. - Yeah.
Yeah! Come on.
Love you.
All right, here comes a bull's-eye.
- Oh! - Oh!
It's a faulty dart.
Okay, Dad, come here. Come here.
- Give me the keys. - Did you hear what he said?
I'm the designated driver, okay?
- Ah! Come on. - Ah!
Hey, good night, suckers!
Bye, guys. Thanks.
- Shrub. - Mm-hmm?
I'm done hiding how I feel,
not asking for what I want.
I feel very drunk,
and I need you to walk me home.
I got you, bro.
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, disgusting!
Oh, come on, Nadine.
You literally have two disgusting human beings
pooping on you all the time.
Eh, wrong, the babies know to poop on Dylan.
What was that?
Oh, my gosh. It's the porch pirate.
Let's get his ass!
Huh, what's with all these packages?
- Gotcha! - Ah!
Ow.
- Oops. - Oh.
Hi, roomie!
I got you always.
Oh, I'm just gonna crash in my man cave.
I don't want to wake up Jessie and the baby.
Shh, be quiet. Shh.
You're the best, kid.
You're the best.
Night-night, Kel.
Let me get you a blanket.
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