Happy Tofurky Day, everyone.
Yeah, who's ready to celebrate
the shameful legacy of colonialism?
Okay, Sarah, coming in hot.
Yeah, sorry, I'm just a little... keyed up.
It's not every day that you have to introduce your parents
to your dad's secret child.
Guys, I know that Thanksgiving
is traditionally our special day of fighting,
but it doesn't have to be.
Let's welcome Harmony into our family
with dignity and zero drama.
Mm...
- Can't wait. - If you say so.
Come on, you guys, we can do this.
Harmony gets here an hour before Mum and Dad.
That gives us plenty of time to prep her for Mum's reaction...
sorry, overreaction.
Should we have done this in a public place,
you know, so that Mum can't have a freak-out?
Do you think an audience of strangers is gonna stop her?
Do you not recall the container-store meltdown of 2015?
Yeah. No, I'm grasping at straws.
Guys, let's keep it positive around the kids.
Hey, guys, you excited to me your new half-aunt, Harmony?
Is she called a love child
because Grandpa loves making babies?
How many love babies does Grandma have?
If Grandpa dies, does Harmony get any money?
Where does Harmony stand politically,
and how soon can we get into that?
This is gonna be a fun Thanksgiving.
[CHUCKLES]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
- [EXHALES DEEPLY] - Man, Harmony's running late.
And it's really cutting into our prep time.
I need 20 minutes alone
just to describe all of Mum's different smiles.
- Ear to ear, run in fear. - Showing teeth...
also run in fear.
Guys, we knew today could be rough,
so Denise and I planned some activities
to help keep things light.
And to avoid a emotional free-for-all...
a Normals Agenda, if you will.
We pulled some classic board games to play
as a low-stakes icebreaker.
- Ooh, Monopoly? - Absolutely not Monopoly.
And the kids are gonna put on a little talent show
just to provide a positive,
noncontroversial focus for everyone.
Plus, if things go sideways,
we have a foolproof distraction.
- Baby bomb! - [SCATTERED CHUCKLES]
Can't have awkward tension with these guys around.
Nah, I bet we can do it.
- [DOOR OPENS] - Hey-o!
- Hello. - Hi, bro.
- Hey. Harmony, you're here. - [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
- With Mum and Dad. - At the same time.
Hi, fam.
So, uh, how did this, um...
Did you guys just bump into each other in the driveway?
Oh, no, no, Tommy.
Your mother and I got so excited, we got jumpy,
and we texted Harmony a few days ago,
and we have just hit it off great.
Before we knew it, she was flying into Sacramento to see us early.
I just wanted to spend some quality time
with my bio-dad and my bonus mum.
- I'm a bonus mum. - [ALL CHUCKLE]
Wow. So we don't even have to introduce you.
And I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
We just got so caught up in the fun, and then we thought,
"Why not just surprise them right after we"...
ALL: "Escape from Alcatraz"?
You guys went to Alcatraz? It's, like, my favourite prison.
Oh, my God, it was so cool. We saw Al Capone's cell.
- Well, more like Al Ca-phone. - [LAUGHTER]
- It's an inside joke. - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
You guys already have inside jokes.
- That's... that's great. - [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Oh, and I couldn't show up without some presents
for my new nieces and nephews.
That is so thoughtful.
She's so special, this one.
Dad, you're really snapping away there, aren't you?
Hey, you got to capture
these first few precious moments, Tommy.
- They're so fleeting. - Oh, that's a framer.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
Well, she seems to be getting along great with Mum and Dad.
Yeah, which is weird because we don't get along great
- with Mum and Dad. - Yeah, what's her deal?
Ah, I almost forgot.
My small contribution to Thanksgiving...
it's a vegan Brie from a local,
Black-owned, gender-progressive fromagerie.
Really? I love all those words.
Well, it's delicious and healthy.
[CHUCKLES] Speaking of, did I spy a gym back there?
Yeah. You lift or... ?
I'm more into high-intensity interval training
- mixed with rock climbing. - Stop.
I was thinking about putting a rock-climbing wall in there.
- No. - Yeah.
- You've got to. - I will.
Yeah, but nothing beats bouldering in Boulder,
'cause Colorado... it's not just about fitness.
Like, it's also about communing with nature.
We need the tonic of wildness.
- Are you quoting Thoreau? - Guilty.
I reread "Walden" every year.
You know, working for the National Parks,
I'm mostly in the company of books,
which I guess makes me a bit of a nerd.
Well, I Thoreau-ily disagree.
[LAUGHS]
Okay, well, I'm gonna put this in the fridge
before it starts leaking.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Um, I think I figured out her deal.
She's freakin' awesome.
[WHISPERING] Why do I love her so much?
Maybe because she's exactly like all of us.
[NORMAL VOICE] That's it. That's why.
Yeah.
And we're the best.
So here's a video of Harmony when we stopped for gas.
She was so tuckered out, she fell asleep in the back seat.
- [LAUGHTER] - Aw.
Wow. She's really fitting in.
- Yeah, it's great. - So great.
Although I was hoping we'd have another outsider
- to join our team. - Hi, half-in-laws.
- Oh. Hey. - Hey.
So how's your first Hayworth Thanksgiving going?
Good, I think. I mean, I don't know.
I don't really have much to compare it to.
Oh, everyone here loves you. You're a hit.
I mean, we're embarrassed
that we thought you were Tom's stalker the first night we met.
No worries. I was so amped up, I would've thought I was a stalker.
But then again, I listen to way too many crime podcasts.
Shut up! You like true crime?
What's your fave... murders, kidnappings?
Stealing someone's identity to bilk an elderly woman
- out of her Nazi gold? - Oh, those are so much fun.
Oh, I'm into all of it.
I am obsessed with noir...
both the crime kind and Pinot.
Who wants a top-off?
- I love her. - I think we love her.
Let's lock her in.
So, Harmony, we're playing teams.
And FYI, I was a runner-up on Teen "Jeopardy!"
So I guess if you want to win,
then you should maybe play with me.
- [CHUCKLES] - Yeah, and if you don't mind
hearing this every time you get a wrong answer...
BOTH: "Oh, boy."
They're just jealous because I'm undefeated.
Come. Join me.
Or... or if you just want to have fun,
pull up a chair and join your new partners in crime.
Sometimes we forget we're even playing the game.
No, I'm so sorry, gang, but Harmony's already on a team.
Yeah, but it's so nice to be wanted.
You three chuckleheads, why don't you be your own team?
Fine, but don't say we didn't warn you.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Come on, big money, no whammies.
Wait, wait, hold your horses there, Conny.
Not your turn yet.
But I always go first.
The youngest goes first. Harmony.
Oh, no, it's okay.
She's older than me.
Conny, you know what your mother meant.
The newest goes first.
[SCOFFS]
Okay, fine, but I already blew on them, so...
Oh, thank you.
Looks like there's a new baby in the family, huh?
First question...
what ocean surrounds the Madeira Islands?
Mm...
Well, they're a part of Paraguay.
I'm gonna say... the Atlantic?
- That's right. - Yes! Wow!
[LAUGHTER]
Kind of a softball.
I mean, there are only so many oceans, but...
Hey, good job.
Next question...
The quadratic equation?
Gadsden Purchase.
"BREAKIN' 2: Electric Boogaloo"?
The Manhattan Project? The Komodo dragon.
"Jack and the Beanstalk." Tectonic plates.
A motorcycle. "Fiddler on the Roof."
Whitney Houston. "White Men Can't Jump"!
Somebody call Mensa.
You know, you could be on regular "Jeopardy!"
- Dad. - Dad.
Okay, so, um...
Harmony again.
In which American Indian tribe...
Ugh, this... these cards are out of date.
It should be Native American tribe.
Actually, I believe the preferred term is "Indigenous peoples."
[CHUCKLES]
Harmony taught me that on our drive from Sacramento.
- And you listened? - Oh, boy.
Muriel is so eager to learn.
And did you know that the celebration of Thanksgiving
is actually very problematic.
You should do some research, Sarah.
Gah... I should do some research.
Sarah, sweetie, you should try this vegan Brie.
- Delicious. - I know.
I've been trying to get you to eat that for years.
I don't think so.
- [CHUCKLES] - She's gonna blow.
I think it's time to move on to another question.
Which best-selling American author
also won an Oscar for the adaptation of his novel?
- John Updike. Easy. - Tom, it is not your turn.
She's getting all the easy questions.
Actually, I think it's John Irving.
- Right again. - Yes.
- Oh. - [LAUGHTER]
- Sorry, what's happening? - It's an easy mistake...
Updike, Irving, both titans of their craft.
What are... Who... What are... What's going on?
You have swept the board, chipmunk.
- Ah. [CHUCKLES] - [GRUNTS GOOFILY]
- Oh, how cute. - Dad, enough with the camera.
She's not a toddler. And I'm the chipmunk.
I've been telling them about smallpox blankets for years.
Irving. Of course, it's Irving.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Baby bomb.
Look at their little bow ties.
Oh, my gosh!
This is, like, a freakin' disaster.
[DOOR OPENS]
Okay, is Harmony impressive? Absolutely.
- No doubt. - Clearly.
But what is going on with Mum and Dad?
- They're, like, obsessed. - It's embarrassing.
And they took her to Alcatraz?
And they got all these little inside jokes?
[STAMMERS] Sorry, they don't make any sense, guys.
Yeah, and Mum is using terms like "unhoused population."
I mean, she spends a couple hours in the car with Harmony,
and all of a sudden, they're not hobos anymore.
And I'm still the youngest,
but they're treating me like I'm some kind of middle child.
- What am I, a Sarah? - Ugh.
You'll always be a baby to me.
Thank you, Lupe. That means a lot.
Hey, how's everything going?
Do you think it's time to start the talent show?
Yeah, we really don't want to blow this, you know.
Harmony is very important to us.
To you.
- To all of us. - Exactly.
I mean, who cares which alliance she chooses?
What the hell are you talking about?
Hey, should we start the talent show?
And the talent agent says, "What do you call yourselves?"
And they go, "The Aristocrats."
[MARSHALL AND MURIEL CHUCKLE]
Ah, it's a thinker.
Okay, performing first today, we have Kelvin, who will be...
"throwing down some Gucci moves."
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS, CHEERING]
I asked the kids to stretch this out.
We just need everyone distracted until dinner.
Oh, I gave Kelvin half a Red Bull,
so he can go all day.
♪ ♪
♪ And the rockets' red glare ♪
♪ The bombs bursting in air ♪
My mum said she doesn't know how to braid hair.
She's so focused on Harmony,
she's completely ignoring her actual daughter.
- Sarah? - Yeah.
♪ Oh, say does that... ♪
You go, baby! Whoo!
♪ ♪
You got this, honey.
Remember, focus on the white corners.
She had this at home.
♪ ♪
[RUBIK'S CUBE THUDS]
Good... good effort!
So, uh...
who here plays Roblox?
Don't you hate it
when you just finished building your house in Bloxburg,
but then all your friends leave to go play Piggy?
[LAUGHTER]
[WHISPERING] I don't get it at all.
Okay, what else? What else?
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[NORMAL VOICE] I guess Harmony's pushing us out.
- We're being put out to pasture. - Remember when we were kids?
Put on a goofy talent show like this
just to get Mum and Dad's attention?
We should do that again.
[ALL CHUCKLING]
♪ ♪
Idaho... Gem State. Washington... Evergreen State.
Nevada... Silver State.
Should we stop him?
Should we? Yes. Can we? No.
New Mexico... the Land of Enchantment.
- Go, Tommy! - Kansas... Sunflower State.
Texas... Lone Star State. And that's all 50.
Unh! What?
What?
Boom!
Boom! Boom!
That's my chipmunk. Look at him go!
91, 92...
[SOUTHERN ACCENT] No, Frederick,
I shall not be tossed aside,
not I, who have sacrificed my stature and position
to look after your insufferable cousin.
She's been going on for eight minutes.
Oh, she knows the whole play.
Oh, no, this is freaking Harmony out.
But this could be an opportunity for the Normals.
Harmony.
Hey, there. [CHUCKLES] You good?
Could you point me toward the bathroom?
I-I thought I'd found it,
but then, actually, it was more like an indoor ball pit?
Oh, right. Yeah, that's Connor's indoor ball pit.
Hey, just real quick...
uh, you know we're not like them.
- Like who? - Like the Hayworths.
Yeah. I mean, we love them. We do.
Um, but they have very fragile egos.
And we do love them,
but they just make everything about themselves,
like holidays, regular days, Honda Days.
Again, we love them so much,
but they're a bunch of freaks.
It has been a little overwhelming, honestly.
I mean, I spend my days with black-tailed swallows,
and I guess it's different being in the middle
of a big family with big personalities.
"Big personalities." Wow, that is very diplomatic.
Harmony, you can be real with us.
We're like you. We're normal.
[CHANTING] One of us, one of us.
- BOTH: One of us. - Bathroom.
BOTH: One of us, one of us.
So take me away, Mr. Constable.
I will blissfully serve my time!
[EXHALES DEEPLY] Scene.
- Oh, wonderful. - Yes!
Brava! Brava!
[LAUGHTER AND CHATTER]
Stop. Guys, stop.
- More. Just kidding. - [SARAH AND TOM CHUCKLE]
Well, I'd say mission accomplished.
- We might be too talented. - Right?
Mum and Dad were frickin' into it.
We should do this every week.
Well, turkey time?
Well, no... hey, hold on.
Harmony hasn't shared her talent.
Oh, no, no, no, that... that's okay.
They were all amazing, and I can't compete with that.
Yeah, we don't want to put her on the spot.
Yeah, and it's not a competition, anyway.
Yeah, it's not a competition.
Guys, I don't have any special talents.
Oh, don't be modest. Everybody has a special talent.
Mine is acting, directing, and writing.
I know you have something.
Mum, she said she's not talented,
so, you know, we should respect that.
I guess I could do some bird calls.
- Great. - Yes.
- Yeah, yeah, bird calls. - Harmony.
- Yeah. - Okay.
- Bird calls... okay. - [CHUCKLES]
Let's go, Harmony. Whoo!
- [APPLAUSE] - Shh. Shh.
[SOFT MUSIC]
What's happening?
[IMITATING BIRDS CALLING FLAWLESSLY]
♪ ♪
[IMITATES BIRD COOING]
She's like a real-life Snow White.
♪ ♪
We have to have her on our team.
She's more powerful than I imagined.
[QUIETLY] Thank you.
Wow!
- I have never been so proud! - Whoo! Beautiful!
That was beautiful.
- [APPLAUSE CONTINUES] - Huh.
- Whoa. - [SCOFFS]
Next time I'll plan something.
She's better... at everything.
I'm no longer the favourite child.
Ah, I don't think you were the favourite.
Hey, neither of you were the favourite.
- Uh, get real, Sarah. - It definitely wasn't you.
What are you talking about?
I literally have an email from Mum right here.
- "Tom, you are my favourite." - Check this out.
"Baby boy Connor, you're my favourite.
Love, Mum."
Mine probab... [CLEARS THROAT]
Mine probably went to spam, 'cause my... my phone's so old.
Yeah, well, that doesn't matter.
Harmony's been getting all the emails now.
You know what? I deleted it. I remember now.
I-I deleted it, so it's gone forever.
Sure.
Can you do other animals?
We would love to hear a dolphin.
[TAPS ON GLASS] Okay.
Hope I can get through this without the water works.
Today's so special.
I've always said I could never love my children more,
but as it turns out, I could love more children.
- Oh. - So glad Harmony stalked Tom
at his book reading and entered our lives.
She's so smart and generous, and for that, I am so thankful.
So happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
- Hear, hear. - Cheers.
So true, Dad. [TAPS GLASS] So... so true.
Not only is Harmony socially conscious
and good at bird stuff,
but she has also made Mum happier than I've seen her
since she turned my childhood bedroom into a craft room...
[LAUGHING] Which she has never used, not once.
- It doesn't get good lighting. - [TAPS ON GLASS]
If I could just kind of piggyback
onto Sarah's lovely toast...
Um, I love the positive effect
that Harmony's having on our family,
especially Mum and Dad.
I bet if she went to Space Camp,
you wouldn't have been two hours late picking her up.
- Right? [CHUCKLES] - That was 30 years ago, Tommy.
If I had been in space, I would've died, okay?
All right, Tom, Sarah, let's chill.
I think we're all missing the point here.
It's Thanksgiving... we should be thankful for what we have,
which is a roof over our heads, food on the table,
and the fact that Mum and Dad
have clearly found someone they love more than us.
- Oh, no, that is unkind. - D-a-amn.
- Uncalled for, Conny. - It's very called for!
Okay, we don't need to get so worked up.
Tom, you are being a child.
[MOCKINGLY] Tom, you are being a child.
Do we have to do this on Indigenous Peoples Day?
That's Columbus Day.
- I don't celebrate Columbus. He's a coloniser. - I know!
Should I say grace? I'm happy to say grace.
Dad, why aren't you filming this, huh?
Why don't you get your frickin' camcorder?
Baby's first Thanksgiving, right, Dad?
[IMITATES BIRD SCREECHING]
What is wrong with you people?
Do you not hear yourselves?
You know, I came here trying to make a good impression on you,
but... but it turns out you're a bunch of maniacs.
You're fighting over board games,
and you're... you're competing for your parents' affection
by horning in on a kids' talent show?
Wasn't necessarily just for kids.
- It said it on the sign. - True.
I was looking so forward
to having my first big family Thanksgiving
with siblings and parents
and two different green-bean dishes
that no one likes anyway, and instead, I got this?
Harmony, we are so sorry.
They should be ashamed of themselves.
Oh, like you two can even talk,
making mean jokes about your entire family behind their back?
And I'm gonna say it... you guys drink too much wine.
- [GASPS] - [GASPS]
Okay.
I'm sorry. I should've...
I should've never come here today.
Although Alcatraz was really fun.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] - [SIGHS]
♪ ♪
[IMITATES BIRD COOING]
Hey, Harmony...
Harmony's friend.
- Susan. - Right.
Look, we're sorry we let things get so out of control,
fighting over our parents like that.
Yeah, they were just trying to make you feel welcome,
and it just stirred up some insecurities in us
that really have... have nothing to do with you.
Sorry for botching your first Hayworth Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving was just never really a big deal for me growing up.
It was always just me and my mum.
My cousins died in the mine.
I don't know... maybe I just put too much pressure on today,
and then... yeah, then I went and ruined it.
Hey, you didn't ruin anything.
Come here, sis.
Are we gonna talk about the mine?
You know what proves that you're a Hayworth
more than any DNA test?
The fact that you joined in on our special day of fighting.
Yeah, you're definitely one of us.
Aw, thank you, 'cause you really pissed me off.
[ALL CHUCKLE]
Yeah, I never should've coined that term...
"our special day of fighting."
- It keeps haunting us. - Uh, what?
You didn't.
I did, the year that you threw candied yams at Connor.
Excuse me, I coined it
on the Thanksgiving when we went to Ming Garden
and you stormed out 'cause I put duck sauce in your iced tea.
Candied yams was well before duck iced tea.
No, no, no, no, candied yams was after...
No, it was... because we went to Six Flags that year.
We didn't go to Six Flags that year.
It happened at Six Flags.
I remember because I'm the oldest.
It happened when we went to Six Flags.
So this year,
we're rooting for the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel...
small package, tons of personality.
I don't know. I've got my eye on the Maltese.
She may be a half-Hayworth,
but she's also sort of half-Normal.
And half bird.
- [SNICKERS] - [LAUGHTER]
- We're not mean, are we? - Mm-mm.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV]
You know, Harmony, you should come for Christmas.
Oh, we go all out.
Yeah, one year I paid Tim Allen to fall off my roof.
[WHISPERING] It wasn't Tim Allen.
Ah... [SIGHS] That is such a nice invitation.
But you're not coming.
Yeah, I think it might be a little soon.
I mean, I-I've had so much fun with you guys,
but, you know, your family's a lot.
Yeah, we've heard that before.
Yeah, for sure, for sure.
[WHISPERING] But we're still taking you
to the aquarium this weekend, right?
[MOUTHING WORDS] Oh, yeah.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE, INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV]
Oh, okay, you'll love this.
You ever try negotiating your bedtime?
Yeah, how'd that go?
I heard about this puberty thing,
and, uh, no, thanks.
- You guys like impressions? - Yeah.
- Yes! - All right.
Tell me if you know this one.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[IMITATES CRYING] Boo-hoo!
Nobody likes my book!
- Oh! - [LAUGHTER]
That is messed up.
Being a mum is so hard!
- [LAUGHS] - Oh, no.
Where do I recycle my soy milk?
[LAUGHING]
They're just like that. [SNORTS]
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -