Alright, team.
As you all know, today isn't just any old Saturday.
Oh, no.
Today is our annual fundraiser where half our proceeds
are donated back to the fine people of Korverton.
That's right... It's...
Insane Insaturday, we know.
Oh, not this year, Wayne.
It turns out the name "Insane Insaturday"
was actually incredibly offensive
to insane people, so...
This year I've gone ahead and officially changed
the name to...
Unselfish Unsaturday.
What is "Un-Saturday"?
Sounds like any day but Saturday!
Yeah, I tried to warn him.
No, I get it, boss. You were going for alliteration.
Alliteration? Try "Selfless Saturday."
How's that?
Damn, that's way better.
Where is Keeran?
Late again.
My guess? Probably saw a pretty girl on his bike,
got his boner tangled in his handlebars,
and crashed into a telephone pole.
To be 16 again.
You know what I got a boner for?
Helping people.
Dicey segue!
That's why this year we are gonna hit $20,000 in sales,
a goal we've never hit before!
Yeah, but we have been sniffing it for years!
That's right, Cyn.
But this year, we're gonna dip our noses all the way in.
'Cause I'm throwin' in a little incentive,
a reward for each and every one of you.
What is it?
Let's just say it's something we all need and love.
- Need... - Huddle up, team.
Our customers could shop at Sports Dynasty
or any other fancy big box store,
but they choose to shop at One More Time. Why?
'Cause our stuff is used and cheap.
Oh yeah, baby. But that's not the only reason!
They shop here because they know we care.
The point is, when we open those doors,
the customers are gonna spread through this store
like ringworm on a wrestling mat.
Uh, DJ?
They're gonna do that because we listen.
- DJ? - We understand them.
DJ?
They're gonna come because we pay attention.
- Hey, boss? - Yeah, Jen?
I think Cynthia's trying to say something.
Oh, I'm sorry, Cynth.
You know I have a hard time hearing when I'm talking,
and you're on my right side; That's my bad ear.
- Oh, right. - Or if you're behind me,
'cause the mics only face forward.
I just wanted to point out that we actually opened
four and a half minutes ago.
Look at that.
Carried away by my own pre-game speech, again.
Alright, gang.
Let's bring it in!
Three, two...
One More Time!
Oh, that was a good one. We were really in sync.
You guys feel that one? Good omen for the day.
Hey! Can you do me a favour?
What do we think about this reward DJ mentioned?
I have no idea, but I need you to cover my shift tomorrow.
I've got training for the olympic javelin qualifiers.
Oh, you and your meaningless hobbies.
Anyway, back to my thing. It's gotta be cash, right?
We're grown-ups. Grown-ups give each other cash.
It's unspoken, but everybody knows it.
You must be fun for Christmas.
We gotta sell hard.
'Cause I got my eye on this microphone.
It's gonna take formidable failures to that next level.
You know my podcast?
Oh, how could I forget the way you revel in
people's lowest moments? So can you take my shift or not?
That's a negatory.
I don't want to.
What if we make it interesting?
What are you suggesting?
I out-sell you, you take my shift.
You out-sell me,
I'll give you whatever that very special reward is.
You're on.
But you have made a grievous mistake, Hauser.
Please.
I can sell this stuff in my sleep.
You haven't even cared about this job since 2015.
That's not true. I started here in 2015.
I haven't cared since 2017,
and yet somehow I'm still indispensable.
Imagine what my powers would be if I actually gave a shit.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I...
have some shit to give.
Well, well, sneakin' in the side door, Keeran?
Sorry I'm late.
What, handlebar boner?
No, not this time.
I got doored and I twisted my ankle.
It hurts so bad!
Honestly, I shouldn't even be here.
- Where's DJ? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We need the full squadron today.
I'm in a lot of pain, Wayne.
Yeah, well, it just so happens,
there's a huge reward in it for us if we hit 20g in sales.
There's not enough money in this world
to tolerate this pain.
Wait! No, no, no, no... what about...
uh, what about breasts?
- What? - You heard me, Padawan.
Are there enough breasts in this world
for you to tolerate that pain?
Seriously, man. What are you talking about?
Well, it just so happens,
I heard the big reward is Jojo's.
- The strip club? - Shh!
It's supposed to be a surprise!
Isn't that a weird surprise for your employees?
Well...
Boobs bond mother and child.
Why not co-workers, right?
That is true.
Holy shit... My first strip club!
Oh, wait...
I'm not old enough. I won't get in.
Don't worry about that.
DJ, he's got a side deal with the bouncer there.
It's a little quid pro quo, if you will.
We gotta hit that 20 grand.
That's the spirit. Now how's that ankle feeling?
What ankle?
Hi-yah!
Ah, you're good, you're fine. Sell, sell, sell.
Hello, sir.
How you doing? Can I help you with anything?
My nine-year-old insists
it's pinching his forehead.
- Pardon me? - I got this.
Um... may I?
His son's baseball helmet
is pinching his forehead.
Right. Okay, thanks, Jen.
Well, it sounds like he's outgrown it.
You're gonna wanna size up.
We got a great selection of helmets
just behind those tennis balls right there.
So...
I spent the last three months
taking intensive sign language classes.
Pretty good, eh?
Very good, very impressive.
But you know I don't know sign language, right?
What?
Oh, I'm so sorry, I just... assumed.
Oh, no need to apologize.
What I miss with my ears, I fill in with body language,
lip reading, and context.
Hm.
Is it just me, or is this turn-out a little underwhelming?
It is lower than underwhelming.
It is sub-underwhelming!
My projections point to a 60% decrease in revenue.
The excess inventory's gonna eat into our quarterly profits,
consequently hindering our capacity to borrow,
ergo affecting our ability to access further inventory, DJ.
- So it's bad? - Correct.
I knew it as soon as you said "ergo."
I think this is the right one.
Is there sound coming out?
Big sale! 50% of the proceeds go to...
I guess now you'll never know, so...
Hey, sis!
- Hi. - What's up, Josh?
Yo!
Lookin' like one of those guys off the Vegas strip.
Oh, thanks, man.
Uh, Josh, make sure to give me a five-star review, please.
- You were late. - You were late.
Shut up.
Yo, tell piss jug about what's happening at Sports Dynasty.
What's going on at Sports Dynasty?
Oh man, they're slammed!
Got a whole carnival thing going on.
Rides, games... even a magician!
A magician?
- I love magic! - I know.
I bet Carlito knew that too.
Who's Carlito?
The manager at Sports Dynasty.
I've told you this like a million times.
You've never told me that once.
- You never listen! - You never listen to me!
- Are you kidding? - I listen to you all the time.
I don't hear you sometimes, but I always listen...
Shh! Just shut up.
Well, now I know why the store's so empty.
Care to drown your sorrows with a cold one on me?
- I'll put it on my spill tab. - No...
There's something I need to do.
Gwen's working.
Gwen's working?
I guess I am a little parched.
No...
There's something I need to do.
Cynthia?
Grab a stack of coupons and meet me out front.
Josh? Have a great day at work, buddy.
Thanks, man.
Nat, think you could give us a ride over?
Oh my gosh, I would love to,
but you have to request it through the chauffeur app.
No, come on, I'm your brother!
Just give me a ride over.
Oh wait, I got another request.
- Flesh and blood! - Yeah, I can't drive you, bye.
- No way you got a ride that quick. - Yeah, I just got a request.
- Bing, it just popped in. - Are you kidding me? Watch my...
- You almost rolled over my foot again. - I was trying to.
Always appreciate your loving support.
I can't hear you.
Oh, DJ, look.
Pretty tall guy.
Terrifying.
Whoa, okay!
Ah!
My God, look at that sleight of hand!
Yeah!
What are the chances this is all just a big coincidence?
Carlito's wanted to put us out of business
ever since you made manager over him.
Don't you see?
This is Carlito's way!
Doesn't he see? He isn't just hurting me.
He's hurting all of Korverton!
- And me. - Yes.
Hand me those coupons.
Oh, uh... right. Just go easy on those coupons. They're
- going to kill our bottom line. - Time to make it rain coupons.
Hey! Come on down to One More Time!
Oh, all the way to the top, tough guy!
Hello, my dear.
I'm looking for a pair of skates for my son.
Oh, no problem. What's his size?
- Thirteen. - Okay.
I'm just gonna grab them from the top shelf.
- Okay. - All the way up there.
Argh!
You got this, Keeran.
Think of the breasts.
And their eyes, of course.
Did I hear someone was looking for a pair of size thirteens?
These beauties just came in.
Why don't I ring 'em up for you?
Okay.
Augh...
Aah!
We're locally owned,
we've been in the community since 1986.
We may not have rides, but we've got spirit.
Sorry, sir.
You can't be here.
What? Why?
Boss's orders.
That's pretty extreme.
I'll say.
Hey, can we just talk to Carlito?
I feel like there's a big misunderstanding.
Please, man, just walk away.
I don't know why Carlito dislikes you so much,
but his anger really stresses me out.
Oh, that's the last thing I want for you.
Really, this doesn't need to be that big of a deal.
Oh, but it does!
Carlito.
You got a lot of cojones showing up here today, hombre.
Hi!
Please enjoy the fair!
The corn dogs are delicioso!
Enjoy!
You got a lot of nerve pulling a stunt like this today.
Oh, is today a special day? Huh?
A day you try to attract people to your
rickety little hand-me-down store?
Alright, cut the shit, Carlito!
Let's settle this right now, mano a mano.
Now you're speaking my language.
Spanish!
You, me, dunk tank.
You dunk me, we leave.
I dunk you, you cease the merriment immediately.
You are grown men.
No one is getting in a dunk tank.
Your funeral, amigo!
Dawg, hold my dog.
I'ma dunk you like a donut, baby.
Hey, how can I help?
I'm almost sold on this skipping rope,
but is it long enough for two?
Only one way to find out, I guess.
Are you okay?
You know what? I'm a little shaken up, but I'll live.
I'm not gonna buy these.
What's wrong with your leg?
- That! - Oh my God, that's disgusting.
Looks like a plum with veins.
Dude, you gotta go home, or like...
- to emergency. - No!
I'm in it to win!
I want this prize!
Your dedication is both inspiring and inexplicable.
Uh... here. At least wear this.
That's merch!
I'm sure DJ won't mind if it helps with this,
I want to say life-threatening injury.
Good point. I'll take it.
Think you can help me?
Jen?
Uh, may I help you, please?
- Dammit. - Just right this way.
Hi.
Think you can help me?
They all want to play hockey.
Boom!
Right this way.
And yieu, and yieu, and yieu, and yieu, and yieu, and yieu,
and yieu, and yieu, and yieu.
Come on, let's go!
Stop stretching!
Get to it, deaf jam! Come on!
Is this really the best use of our time?
I don't know.
Why don't you tell me?
Aah!
Swing and a miss, doo-doo arm!
Would'a been cool if I'd hit it, though,
the way I said the line as I threw it.
Yeah, it would have been amazing.
I'm the king of the world!
This ain't hockey, mijo!
You're in my playground now!
You play in a recreational ping pong league!
It's table tennis!
And I'm not ashamed!
- Nor should you be! - Hey!
Don't take my side!
Hey, gee, relax!
Hey, DJ, shouldn't you take your hearing aids out?
They're not waterproof, right?
Cynthia, if I take my hearing aids out,
I'll be telling Carlito I expect him to dunk me.
The mind is the most powerful weapon.
Ooh!
Oh-ho! Not enough mustard!
Looks like... augh!
DJ! I told you...
One, two, three, four.
That was a punishingly effective underarm.
Towels in aisle seven...
Back to the bodega, potato man!
Uh, DJ, just ignore him.
We're gonna sign you up later.
But I don't wanna.
I saw what you said there.
I too was small at your age.
Then I became one of the best damn hockey players
in Korverton.
You can do anything you set your mind to.
You're gonna love it.
DJ?
I get it.
You're too young to use a butter knife
yet they wanna strap you to a couple blades
that could cut clean through your achilles tendon.
It's scary, but all the best things in life are.
No, no, no, no...
Sir... I saw you call yourself a huge fatty.
Athletes come in all shapes and sizes, my man.
DJ, cabs are the other way...
Do you always keep a second pair?
Five-second delay before they come on.
Oh, of course, right.
- You always keep a second pair? - And a little song.
Oh.
And we're back!
You always keep a second pair of hearing aids on you?
Of course. You never know when you're gonna find yourself
humiliated in a public dunk tank showdown.
I do know.
It's never.
Hey, I just wanna thank you for having my back over there.
I disagreed with every choice you made.
Yet you stuck by me.
I was trying to talk you out of it.
Still, you stayed by my side.
Didn't wanna waste the money on two cabs, so...
I'm trying to create a little moment here, Cynth,
but you gotta meet me in the middle a little bit.
We should get back to work.
All business. That's why I love ya.
Not gonna say it back, huh?
No.
Alright, bring it in, team.
As you all know, today was supposed to be the electric
first edition of Unselfish Unsaturday.
It gets worse every time I hear it.
- It wasn't meant to be. - My head's spinning.
I know, buddy. It's been an insane day.
Sorry, crazy day.
I would have thought it would take more than a few
cheap fair rides and an incredible magician
to lure away our dedicated community,
but I was today years' old when I learned I was wrong.
No cap.
I guess it just goes to show you, doesn't it?
Maybe I'm no longer relevant.
Maybe...
unfit to lead this team.
That's the wet man who said I could do anything!
Maybe there's still hope!
I'll be right with you.
I wasn't saying I'm a huge fatty,
I was saying I'm gujarati!
Oh, my bad, dude.
I appreciate the message.
I always wanted to be a jockey.
Well, giddy-up, sir! Giddy-up.
Two water bottles. You should try another one.
Three kids? Three kids? I heard three.
Did anyone help you today?
Oh, yes.
That would be Wayne.
Did you come here because of my inspiring words?
No, coupon.
Total is $88.71.
Love to see it. Big spender.
Real firm grip...
This racket is actually fantastic.
I'll come check you out.
Perfect.
Thank you. Do you want a receipt?
There you go. Have a great day!
Thank you. Take care.
Unselfish Unsaturday is officially over.
Alright, let's see the final tally!
Oh, wait, wait, before you do that,
can you let us know who sold more between me and Wayne?
- We got a thing going. - Well...
By $21,
the winner is Wayne.
- Yes! - What? No!
You cannot compete with the Wayne-maker!
- I was dominating out there! - Hey, hey, hey.
Everyone was dominating out there.
Alright, now, let's see the final tally.
Ugh...
$19,986.
- We're off by $14? - That's so close!
Do we still get the reward? Come on!
Obviously I'd love to reward you for your hard work,
but I can't help but wonder...
What's the point of setting goals if we're just gonna
move the goal post?
Ring it up!
Jesus, what the hell happened to you?
I blacked out,
and I came to in a cubby hole in the breakroom.
Did you guys know there was a cubby hole in the breakroom?
I don't think there is.
There's no cubby hole in our breakroom.
Anyways, forget about the cubby hole in the breakroom.
I grabbed this ankle brace from earlier
and I haven't paid for it.
Aw, buddy, I would never make you pay for that...
I said ring... it... up!
You heard the man.
With this final purchase of the day,
our total sales are...
$20,016!
Amazing!
Oh, and, uh, make sure to give the sale to Jen.
She gave me the ankle brace.
- Oh, oh! - No... no!
Victory tastes so sweet! Nom, nom, nom!
Well, I promised you all a reward,
and a reward you shall receive.
Who's up for wings at Angry Al's?
Ah...
- Angry Al's? - Wings.
You said it was something we all need and love.
Yeah, we all need a good hang after a hard day at work,
and I'm pretty sure we all love wings, no?
What about breasts?
You can order whatever you want, champ,
but they're known for their wings.
Come on!
Another round for the 20-grand gang?
- Yeah! - Oh...
Well, who approved another round?
And a virgin white Russian for the young warrior.
I did.
Wow, is that 2%?
That might be too strong for you.
Those new hearing aids, DJ?
Uh, no. Very old, actually.
Yeah, they weight about 17 pounds a piece,
and they make me look like a deaf transformer,
but they're always there when I need 'em.
Well, I think you look great.
Thank you.
Gwen just flirt with you there?
I mean...
Nope. False alarm.
Oh, I would, um, take it easy there.
I forgot to mention that my shift tomorrow is a double.
- Opening and closing. - Shouldn't count.
All day at the store? Lucky guy.
Come on!
Let's be bad girls!
- We've lost him. - Hey guys, cheers!
To an insane... a crazy...
a good day!
Alright!
- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com