Goddamn!
You made this?
I know what you're thinking:
You didn't know people under 85 were allowed to make brittle.
- Are they? - They just legalized it.
Well, I'm glad it's no longer an ageist art form,
although I do fear you young punks will ruin it.
Is it tough making brittle without your sense of smell?
Not really, but it did get in the way of me
becoming a truffle pig.
Well, you're an unbelievable brittlist...
brittler... brittelier?
I prefer "boss-ass brittle bitch."
Okay.
But people can call me whatever they want as long as I sell out.
These wedding bills are piling up.
Well, I'll be sure to send the staff over to buy
some of this boss-ass brittle, bitch!
What'd you just say?
I just said it 'cause you said it.
- I would never... - Just kidding! [LAUGHS]
Hey, I've actually been meaning to ask you,
do you have any skis in stock?
Not this time of year, but we should be getting some
in the next couple weeks,
so I'll keep my ear to the ground.
Mind keeping an eye to the ground instead?
Might yield better results.
The fuck you just say?
- I'm just kidding! - [LAUGHS]
And hey, the only way to fail is to quit,
so don't give up on those truffle pig dreams, okay?
[SNORTS]
Can't forget my boss-ass brittle...
- Not gonna say it. - [LAUGHS]
- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com
CHRIS: 97...
- [BREATHING HEAVILY] - 98...
Yup! 99...
Damn... 100!
Oh!
You're gonna crush those Olympics!
From your lips to my right arm's ears.
Whoa, that was pretty dope.
I would say it was prodigious.
Is that so?
It means impressively great in extent, size, or degree.
- Yeah, I knew that. - I don't believe you did.
What an arrogant ass.
Even when he says hello, it sounds like an insult.
That's a gift.
Sorry, man, no can do.
We don't really unload garages full of random shit.
DJ: Uh, just gimme a second. Hey, whoa...
Hey, Jimmy, you there?
Sorry, let me just switch my hearing aids over.
Okay. Hey, sorry about that trainee.
Did I hear you say that, uh, you're unloading your garage?
You happen to have any skis in there?
Amazing. Lemme just grab your address.
Okay, I will swing by ASAP.
No, thank you!
Alright, see ya, Jimbo.
We do pickups now, boss?
Uh, not usually, bud, but we do always go the extra mile
for our customers.
Hey, did I hear you say, "garage full of random shit"?
Uh, yeah, but that's what he called it!
Keeran, I need you to think of yourself
as a brand ambassador for OMT, okay?
So how you speak to the customers needs to reflect
the ethos of that brand. You got it?
Ethos is that new souvlaki place downtown, right?
Yeah, they make their baklava in-house.
It's unreal.
Even the falafel is great.
Not too dry. It's authentic stuff.
Cool.
But what I'm saying is, you need to be polite
and professional on the phone at all times.
This is important, okay?
I'm so sorry. Please don't fire me.
I'll do better on the phones!
I never wanna let my work dad down.
Relax, you're not fired, bud.
And please don't call me your work dad.
It's unsettling.
It won't happen again, work father.
Okay.
- I just don't know. - It's a big decision.
But you know who swears by this glove?
Mike Trout.
One of the most prodigious players to ever play the game!
Well, how can I say no to the most prodigious player?
I'll take three.
I'll meet you over at the cash when you're ready.
- What the hell was that? - What was... what?
You stole my word.
You said "prodigious." It's my word.
My bad.
I didn't know there were rules on who could use fancy words.
There's a plethora of rules,
because the word maketh the man,
and when the rules are broken, it makes me lugubrious.
Oh, if that means phlegmy, stay away from me!
My coach will kill me if I get sick.
It's not illness-related, you prat.
Patty's got a soccer tourney this weekend and I'm driving.
Really can't afford to get whatever it is
you're riddled with.
Lugubrious means sad, okay?
- It makes me sad. - Oh.
Well, I don't wanna make you lugu... sad.
Won't happen again.
Thank you.
You're saying you want a job here at OMT?
Look, this is the last place that I ever saw myself,
but my life is in peril, so...
Well, what's going on?
It's like you follow one car home
after that car cuts you off,
and then chauffeur just shuts down your account?
I mean... hah!
It's like apparently "illegal" to follow people home.
- I don't know. - It is.
It's total corporate-profit- over-people horse shit.
Do you have any retail experience?
- No, nada. - Okay.
Um, what are your strengths?
I would say my greatest strength is that
I respect you too much to give you a bullshit answer
to a cliché interview question like that.
- Thank you? - You're welcome!
Oh, uh, and I would love
if I could have staggering shifts from DJ.
We, uh, tried to co-run a lemonade stand together
when we were kids and his nose got broken.
Allegedly.
I see.
I'm sorry, Nat, I just don't have the budget
to hire anybody right now.
But, Cynthia, you are a mastermind.
What do you say you just lean in and...
You could figure something out!
Heh!
Flattery will get you everywhere.
- You're so funny, you! - [BOTH LAUGH]
- Oh, sorry. Not here. - What?
No, no. Sorry, Nat, it's impossible.
[SIGHS] Really?
Impossible.
[WHINY] That sucks!
Oh my God...
♪
DJ: Whoa, Jimmy, this is a gold mine!
JIMMY: Take whatever you want.
I'm moving to Florida, and my soon-to-be ex-wife says
anything I don't take with me, she's gonna burn to the ground.
Brutal! What'd you do?
Heh. I'd rather not say.
We respect your privacy.
JIMMY: So, uh, lock up when you're done!
Sounds good, Jimmy. Thanks for thinking of OMT.
[DOG BARKING]
Anyway, I can't thank you enough
for letting me have first dibs.
Oh, by the way, I have work in an hour.
Do you think that's doable?
Pssht...
Are you kidding me?
If these trends continue, we'll be out of here in 5 minutes
with 55 minutes to spare.
Hell, we might even have time for Ethos on the way home.
We'd be fools not to go.
- [LOUD BANG] - [GARAGE DOOR CLANGS SHUT]
[GASPS]
Whoa!
Are you okay?
Yeah... You?
Yeah, I'm good.
[DOOR RUMBLING]
But I can't get this open.
Uh...
[DOOR RATTLING]
[LAUGHS] Okay, well, this door's locked, too.
What kind of lock is it?
What kind of lock would bring you hope?
- None of 'em, I guess. - Hmm.
Don't worry, we'll still get you to work on time
with a belly full of Ethos, no less.
Okay...
[DOOR RUMBLING]
[HANDLE CLANGS TO THE GROUND]
DJ: Oh...
We might have to skip Ethos.
[SIGHS]
[STRAINING WITH EFFORT]
[BANGING]
Yeah, we are definitely trapped.
We should probably call someone.
Great idea.
My phone's in the car.
Uh, mine's at 1%.
Dude, seriously?
I was gonna charge it in the car,
but you were using the cord, so...
That was very nice of you.
I'm no hero.
But we probably only have one call. Two if we keep it brief.
I don't have Jimmy's number, though.
I'll call OMT. They can give us Jimmy's number.
- Love it. Let's do it! - Okay, here we go.
[PHONE TRILLING]
Bluetooth, right in the hearing aids.
- Ah. - Amazing technology.
KEERAN: [PHONE] Thank you for calling One More Time.
My name is Keeran, and I'm here to go above and beyond
to help you with all your sporting needs,
from hockey to baseball, from tennis to racquetball,
from fishing to lacrosse, from basketball...
Hey, Keeran, it's DJ.
Uh, I appreciate the professionalism, bud,
but, uh, I'm in a bit of a rush here.
Also, "from tennis to racquetball" isn't that big of a spread.
Okay, I can sense you're upset, but OMT is here to help.
How can I help? I'm Keeran.
You already gave your name, bud.
Uh, listen, I'm in a bit of a rush here.
I'm stuck in, uh, Jimmy's garage with Gwen.
Oh, tell Gwen I've been downing her brittle all morning.
It's the best!
- He says he loves your brittle. - Thanks, Keeran.
KEERAN: Ask her how she makes it.
How do you... he wants to... Keeran!
We don't have time for this, buddy, okay?
Listen, I need you to look up Jimmy's number
as quick as you can, okay?
KEERAN: I see what you're doing.
I'm afraid I can't give out any phone numbers
under any circumstance.
Keeran, my phone's at 1%. Please, quick!
Why don't you just charge it, then?
Keeran!
Okay, let me just figure out how to put you on hold
- and then I'll get a... - Keeran?
Did your phone die?
No, I think he hung up. I got him.
I'm calling him back here.
KEERAN: Hello.
Thank you for calling OMT.
I'm Keeran. I'm a part-time sales associate...
Hey, Keeran, it's DJ.
KEERAN: Oh. Hey, DJ. I got the number.
Great. What is it?
- It's 519... - 519...
- 628... - [SILENCE]
Shit...
- It died. - No!
Well, there's gotta be a charger in here somewhere.
Heh... for a flip phone, maybe!
Well, let's look.
Worst-case scenario, maybe we find the other ski, too.
Yes, let's find those skis for Eddie.
Good distraction.
The... skis are for Eddie?
Yeah, his birthday's coming up
- and I wanted to surprise him. - Oh...!
Aw, how cool is that, that we're here for Eddie?
Yeah! But I really appreciate you helping me with this.
Of course.
NAT: Oh! Hey, Cynth! What's up?
My word, what are you doing in there?
Oh, man, you would not believe how much these businesses waste.
I mean, look at this.
It's like a veritable smorgasbord in here.
So... you're dumpster diving?
No! No, no, I prefer to think of it as
thriving off the waste of the wealthy fat cats.
[LAUGHS] But yeah, yeah, I'm dumpster diving.
Do you, uh... roll?
Oh! Um, thank you. I am...
- I'm off bread. - Got you.
Is your brother aware of this?
Uh... [SCOFFS] No. I don't need his help.
I am an independent woman.
Oh, God, that takes me back to '99.
I was on the lam in Guadalajara
and had to steal tacos off of restaurant tables
just to stay alive!
And I thought Y2K was gonna wipe my record clean.
But when that turned out to be a sham,
I had to get resourceful too.
So...
stripping?
Yeah, yeah. Sure, let's go with that.
Cool.
Well, uh, I gotta go check out the Ethos dumpster
before the sun does too much damage to the souvlaki.
[LAUGHS] So... [CLICKS TONGUE]
[SIGHS] Nat?
God does grant me the courage to change the things that I can.
- Uh... - You know what?
I'm gonna go back in
and I'm gonna look at those numbers again
and I'm gonna get you a job.
No way.
That is sick! That's radical!
- I totally believe in you! - Ah!
If you wanna, if you wanna hang later,
we can grab dins maybe.
Oh, I'm goo... [GAGS] Blech!
[QUIETLY] Stuck in here 'cause of Eddie...
GWEN: Find anything?
Uh, no.
I mean, just these devil sticks, Hamlet costume,
and this zebra telephone.
Hello? Yeah, no one there.
Still trapped. You?
Just whatever the hell this is.
No way... I know exactly what this is!
Yeah?
My mom used to have one of these in the basement.
It was called the Blubberbuster 2000.
[MACHINE RATTLING]
Women were definitely climaxing to this, right?
Oh, yeah. Not my mom, though.
Not that I don't want my mom to climax.
[VOICE SHAKING] That's very... thoughtful.
- It's all yours if you want it. - Oh, no.
My basement's already teeming with brittle things.
You're a real brittle head, huh?
I used to dream about opening my own shop.
Yeah?
I would call it "Brittle House on the Prairie."
It's ridiculous, I know.
You need to open this shop immediately.
Uh, no! It takes money and it's risky,
and I haven't even told Eddie yet.
How does Eddie not know about BHOP?
Because it's never gonna happen!
Because who's ever heard of a successful brittle store?
I once saw a hugely successful store
that sold nothing but penis-shaped doughnuts.
- [CHUCKLES] - If that kid can make
their perverted pastry dreams come true,
so can you.
Thanks, DJ.
You're a good friend.
Hit me!
[MACHINE RATTLING]
JEN: Ahh!
CHRIS: 197...
198...
- [GASPING AND STRAINING] - 199, yup!
200!
- [GROWLS] - Did it!
- Oh! - Oh-ho-ho!
Hoo! Hoo!
If you don't come home with at least six gold medals,
it'll be a real lugubrious state of affairs.
JEN: Ah, there's only one medal available, but, uh,
I appreciate your support, buddy.
Look, I'm trying to be equitable here, man,
but you just did it again.
Did... what?
Used my word, "lugubrious." Mine.
We talked about this. What is this, adrenal fatigue?
- What? - I didn't even notice.
Oh, you just happened to use the phrase
"lugubrious state of affairs"?
That's just normal layman speak for you?
I swear.
And I'm for real sorry, man.
I put a ton of effort into these words,
upgrading my lexicon daily,
and they're not available for any plebeian
to just haphazardly purloin.
When it comes to learning sophisticated terminology,
I'm indefatigable.
Don't do it again!
Are you messing with him?
Just 100%!
Wow!
I think you like confrontation.
It's not confrontation,
it's confrontainment!
GWEN: So...
What's your ridiculous dream?
I wanted to be a pro hockey player and I did it.
I didn't make the NHL, but it was still a pretty sweet ride.
- Why'd you stop? - It was time.
Uh, plus, I love Korverton,
and after travelling all over the place
it was nice to come home.
Oh, god, I'm so bored of Korverton.
Probably because I never left.
I did go to Montreal in high school,
but I got pickpocketed by a mime.
I saw him do it, too.
I thought it was part of the bit,
then I just watched him pull himself on a rope
until he was gone.
I don't mean to brag, but I've been to 20 countries
and I've been pickpocketed 16 times.
- [LAUGHS] Any of them mimes? - No.
Then that don't impress me much.
Shut up, was that a Twain bomb?!
Yeah, I'm a huge fan. You?
I guess you could say that...
- Shut up! Is that real? - Oh, yeah.
Got it after her hometown show in Timmins.
I'm still buzzin'!
- [LAUGHS] - I regret nothing.
[SNEAKY DRUMMING]
Um, there's something I need to tell you.
- [HIGH-PITCHED NOISE] - Do you hear that?
- Are you messing with me? - No, it's like a...
Like a repeated high-pitched tone,
kind of like an alarm.
- Do you smell that? - Very funny, DJ.
The sound is real, by the way.
Okay, I'm so sorry, but the smell is real too.
Honestly, it's like straight-up farts.
What, like sulphur, or like...
like natural gas?
Is that what you think the alarm is? Like a natural gas detector?
Oh my God, is this place gonna explode?
Keeran, hold all my calls.
Alright, Nat, let's get you working.
[DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC SIMILAR TO "A BEAUTIFUL MIND"]
♪
[CYNTHIA MURMURING INDISTINCTLY]
Okay... okay...
♪
[SCREAMING IN FRUSTRATION]
[SOBBING]
Oh...
♪
[MUSIC CRESCENDOES]
I'm not saying it's gonna explode,
I'm just saying I hope it doesn't explode.
Stop saying explode!
I'm sorry, don't explode on me.
- I'm gonna kill you. - My bad, you set me up.
The beeping's getting louder.
- How much louder? - I dunno!
How am I supposed to measure that?
- Decibels? - Who can earball a decibel?
Is the smell getting worse?
In that it's now a taste? Oh, yeah!
Why is this happening?
Oh God, it's made its way into my throat!
I think the sound is getting piercing.
- It is? - Probably!
Ah, the sound is definitely maybe getting piercing!
I think it's almost maybe actually
definitely going to explode on us!
Get down!
DJ: Ow!
[GARAGE DOOR RATTLES OPEN]
Hey, guys.
- What the...? - Huh?
- [HIGH-PITCHED NOISE] - EDDIE: Where are you going?
- DJ: This place is gonna blow! - EDDIE: What do you mean?
- DJ: Come on, come on! - Don't you hear that sound?
- You mean that sound? - [NOISE CONTINUES]
- DJ: Oh, I hear it now. - EDDIE: Yeah!
[NOISE CHANGES PITCH]
I thought we were gonna die, but it was just...
a theremin.
That's...
That's beautiful.
I'm so glad you didn't die.
I'd be so lost without you.
GWEN: How did you find us?
Oh, yeah, I went to Angry Al's to come see you,
and, uh, Josh said you were over at OMT, and this, like,
super professional kid gave me the address here, and then,
you know, Ethos is on the way,
so I thought I'd get us a little lunchy-poo!
Thanks, man!
Oh, man, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you'd be hungry.
Anyway, we gotta get you to work.
GWEN: I'll meet you at the car.
- Okay. - Okay.
By the way, what did you wanna tell me earlier?
Oh, wait here.
[THEREMIN MUSIC CONTINUES]
Found the other ski.
I can wax 'em up and bring 'em over to you after work.
Thank you.
You're the best.
[THEREMIN MUSIC CONTINUES]
I... probably should go make sure I still have a job.
- You do that. - [CAR STARTS]
[THEREMIN MUSIC CONTINUES]
You can return them in 10 days if you're not satisfied.
Our customer service is indefatigable!
[INTENSE MUSIC]
You nefarious, odious, unscrupulous thief!
You deceitful, reprehensible, verbiage burglar!
Hey, hey, hey, relax!
I hate seeing you so apoplectic.
I swear to God, I...
Wait... "Apoplectic"?
How did you... uh, where did you get that?
Well, my friend, I, too, am literate.
I had no idea I was labouring with a fellow sesquipedalian.
"Sesquipedalian" is an adjective.
I'm, in fact, a sesquipedalian person.
How do you know so much, yet keep it all inside?
Speaking eruditely, all the time,
can make you seem like a real lugubrious sack of shit.
So I've heard from many ex-suitors, and yet I persist.
- Ah, well, you do you. - Hm.
- We're good now? - We're copacetic.
- Dope. - Indubitably.
Hmm, if only there were a medal
for winning the nerdiest dick-swinging contest.
Word.
I thought it couldn't be done, but... I did it.
I did it!
I never should have doubted you, Cynthia.
Okay! [BREATHING HEAVILY]
[PHONE RINGING]
Go for Nat.
CYNTHIA: [PHONE] Nat, I did the impossible!
I negotiated with our hockey tape supplier
and got them to reduce their price by 5%.
I cut our Internet down to a slower provider...
Customers are gonna have to wait an additional 8 seconds
per transaction, but what's time other than money?
And finally, I switched to one-ply recycled toilet paper!
Rough as the devil, but cheap as hell.
So I am now so proud to be able to offer you...
three shifts per week!
Which will hopefully allow you to eat food
that isn't out of a dumpster.
So, welcome to the team, Natalie James!
Oh, Cynth, that's so cute. I appreciate it.
But, um, hard pass.
What?!
Yeah, I got my chauffeur back, so it's all good.
[LAUGHS] Okay, bye-bye!
[DIAL TONE]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[CAR STARTS]
You mother... Nobody cuts off Nat!
Carl, buckle up!
It's about to get messy.
[YELLING] Yeah!
And the alarm that Gwen thought she heard,
it was just a guy tuning the high notes on his theremin.
Is that the instrument where you jerk off the air?
- Yeah, that's the one. - Sick.
And the gas smell was farts?
Oh, no, it was natural gas.
Turns out Jimmy's scorned ex-wife
was gonna blow the place to bits.
Damn!
Hate to see a negative cliché confirmed.
Sounds like you and Gwen had a traumatic experience.
We sure did.
But you know what they say about trauma...
It brings people together.
[BLUBBERBUSTER MACHINE TURNS ON]
[VOICE SHAKING] You said it, buddy.
[GLASSES CLINK]
JOSH: Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa!
Ahh-hh-hh-hh-hh!
"Selcouth": Strange, unusual. Yeah.
"Pulchritudinous": Physically beautiful. Like me.
Hey, man.
Uh, I'd like to sell these.
Um, don't tell Gwen.
Why not?
Well, she got 'em for me,
which is really, really sweet,
I just hate the colour, you know?
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Give you 20 bucks. Not a penny more.
These skis are ponderous.
[LAUGHS] What the hell does that mean?
It means bunglesome or incommodious.
Fuck you, man.
"Libatory"...
Oh, that's good.
"Badmash": A hooligan.
Hmm, quite a badmash!
"Humdudgeon": An imaginary illness or pain.
I don't have any of those.
"Pizookie": The original cast iron cookie.
Okay, obviously.
"Sternutator": An agent that causes sneezes.
"Pantagruelian": Enormous.
My Goodness, Keeran is a pantagruelian horn dog.
"Scofflaw": A person who flouts the law.
Ooh, "flouts" is good too.