DJ: That's cute.
Hmm!
Hey, little buddy.
Hey, what's up with these, uh, adorable stickers?
Is this some new initiative I'm unaware of?
'Cause they're really bringing a smile to my face.
No. Wow!
I believe we have a serial shoplifter on our hands.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
And that smiley face is his calling card.
What? No, a shoplifter?
At OMT?
Why would they use a symbol a pure joy
to mark such a heinous crime?
But it's just a few stickers.
Maybe you're jumping to a conclusion.
Oh, no, no.
It's just a few stickers in this aisle, DJ,
but they have already stolen nine items from Fitness,
six items from Golf, and, well...
[SIGHS]
Check out Baseball...
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC] - DJ: My God!
This is serious.
[CHUCKLES FAINTLY]
Sorry, I see a smile, I smile. It's just so ingrained.
- This is terrible, though. - Yes! [SIGHS]
♪
First, a huge congratulations goes out to OMT's
very own...
Olympic silver medallist,
Jen Hauser, everybody!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
JEN: Thank you, thank you!
I'm... I'm very proud of myself.
You know, the hours of training, the life-threatening obstacles,
and yet I still overcame it all, and...
CYNTHIA: Yay, yay, good for you. So proud.
On to more pressing matters.
OMT has a serial shoplifter.
Wait, we sell cereal?
Now, I know none of you would steal from OMT,
but I just have to confirm: Did any of you, say,
borrow hundreds of items and forget to return them?
JEN: Never, boss.
- Not a chance. - KEERAN: No way!
Shaggy!
Huh?
"It wasn't me."
Nice.
[POLICE SIREN AND RADIO CHATTER]
What kinda twisted sociopath would use such a positive symbol
to mark such a heinous crime?
That's what I said!
Anything show up on your security footage?
DJ: We don't have cameras.
I'm kind of against them, actually.
I feel like they breed distrust in the community.
That's probably not the smartest position
to take as a business.
I've been saying that for years.
COP: Cameras give you peace of mind.
I've even got 'em at my house. See?
There's my living room.
Oh, open concept!
There's my lovely wife, Nina.
- CYNTHIA: Oh! - DJ: Oh, she's beautiful.
- CYNTHIA: Yeah! - COP: Oh...
There's the repairman we called in to fix the dishwasher.
Wait, what are they...
Nina, no!
Don't unzip his pants!
[GASPS]
I gotta go.
CYNTHIA: Now? But...
Lemme know if you catch the guy.
DJ: Will do.
COP: We got a 10-33 in progress! Send the K9 unit!
Wait, we have to catch the guy?
- Is it true what they say? - What's that?
That silver medallists are the unhappiest
of all the medallists.
I think they call it silver medal syndrome.
- That's ridiculous. - Is it?
To come so close to greatness and miss it by a mere whisper.
I can't imagine what that's like.
That's 'cause you've never come anywhere close to greatness.
That's not true! I've won gold.
Korverton municipal spelling bee, '01 through '04.
Oh, wow! Cool brag!
Hey, why don't you go do something useful with your life
for once and move your car?
You're parked in customer parking again.
Well, I don't subscribe to archaic company dictums.
Besides, I'm not parked in the accessible spot.
I'm not a monster.
- Respect. - Thank you!
See? Wayne wins.
Unlike you at the Olympics.
Hey, want to know my winning word?
Pizookie, the original cast iron cookie.
Hmm!
[INTRIGUING JAZZ MUSIC]
Your ass is mine, smiley face bandit.
♪
CYNTHIA: Alright, Bonnie and/or Clyde...
[VOICE ON HIDDEN MICROPHONE] Do your worst!
♪
- I'm looking to trade these in. - Sure.
I can he... hel...
Uh, is a hundred... hun... hundred and fifty enough?
- Yeah! - It's whatever you want.
- $200? - Sure!
- $250? - $250 works great.
Thanks!
Oh God, I should have given her three...
[SIGHS]
Dude!
You gotta take care of that.
I know, man! I'm so awkward around girls.
I can't help it!
That's not what I'm talkin' about.
- Damn! - Uh, not again!
Oh God, I'm a horny monster!
Don't worry. Sexual attraction is natural.
But you must learn to harness and control that shit.
- Please, teach me. - Okay.
Now, tuck that thing in your waistband and follow me.
[INTRIGUING JAZZ MUSIC]
WAYNE: Ooh! So close, yet so far.
A lot like winning silver, I imagine.
Yeah, I was just warming up.
Hey, why don't you go kick rocks and move your car already?
I'll tell you what: You hit a bullseye, I'll move my car.
You know that a dart is just a baby javelin
and I'm an Olympic silver medallist, right?
Well, then it should be very easy for you.
Big talk from the queen of the losers.
Alright, well, start your engines now, Wayne,
- 'cause I'm about to blow your... - Ooh!
- Okay, you were crowding me, so just... - You know what?
Just tell me if you get it.
- What, you're gonna leave? - Yeah.
I could just place it in the bullseye and say that I got it.
Yeah, but you'd never do that. You're an honest person.
It's your greatest weakness.
My man, you have some pent-up energy
that's searching for a release.
- But there is another way. - There is?
You gotta learn to shut out the triggers.
But triggers are all around me!
[SEXY HIP HOP BEAT]
[WOMEN MOANING IN MUSIC]
[MUSIC SUDDENLY STOPS]
CHRIS: Ancient monks would pour so much energy
into one mundane task that accomplishing it
would create a surge of dopamine
even greater than the one you crave.
My mom said I'm not allowed to do drugs, but...
I trust you.
Oh... okay?
[INTRIGUING JAZZ MUSIC]
DJ: Son of a...!
He's taunting us. I just know it.
[LOUDLY] But what does it mean?!
A smiley face denotes happiness, positivity, bliss.
But what does that have to do with One More Time?
Think, dammit!
This isn't about One More Time.
- What do you mean? - Don't you see?!
The blue eyes, the naively optimistic countenance,
the gap in the teeth!
This is about...
you!
[MUSIC SWELLS]
My God... It's like looking in a mirror.
But who would go to such great lengths to destroy you?
I can think of only one man...
[INTRIGUING JAZZ MUSIC]
♪
What took you so long?
DJ: So, you're the smiley face bandit, huh?
Why, Carlito? Why?
What the hell are you talkin' about?
CYNTHIA: The string of thefts we've had at OMT!
CARLITO: Thefts?
You couldn't pay me to take that dank garbage off your hands.
Plus, what would I do with it?
Except sell it back to you.
Actually, that's not a bad idea.
Then why did you say, "what took you so long?"
CARLITO: I got drunk a few weeks ago.
Threw a dead crow at your window.
Was wondering when you'd see it on the security footage.
CYNTHIA: Son of a bitch!
DJ: We don't believe in security cameras!
Why not?
They breed trust in the community, bro!
- CYNTHIA: See? - DJ: Sit down!
Please... Thank you.
CARLITO: When did you say the happy face thief last struck?
DJ: He doesn't even know his own name.
The smiley face bandit last struck this morning.
Well, then, scratch me off the list,
'cause I was hard at work all morning helping abuelitas.
See for yourself.
DJ: "This morning"...
That's conclusive, alright.
- [PHONE BUZZES] - Oh, excuse me.
Oh, it's Chris!
The smiley face bandit struck again!
CARLITO: Well, well, well.
Looks like somebody deserves an apology.
You're absolutely right. We're very sorry.
[LOUDLY] I don't want your apology!
Why'd you say it, then?
I want your head on a spit!
- DJ: Okay, alright... - CYNTHIA: What?
Well, I guess we'll show ourselves out, then.
Yeah, geez. Zero to 100, this guy.
Also, what's up with the office décor here?
Maybe invest in a permanent light fixture.
You think you're the only one
conducting interrogations, hermano?
CHRIS: Texted as soon as I saw it.
He's getting more daring.
Daring and pop arty.
Banksy meets Warhol.
Ah, yes, I see it.
One might even say munch-like with the head smudge.
Perhaps it signifies
the deterioration of his mental state.
CHRIS: Oh, which in turn signifies the deterioration
of your mental state.
Whoa...
Or maybe he just ran out of stickers.
ALL: Whoa...!
CYNTHIA: I mean...
You are an Olympic athlete, okay?
That counts for something, dammit.
- [EXHALES] - [WAYNE HUMMING CASUALLY]
WAYNE: Err...
[CONTINUES HUMMING]
[SIGHS]
Ugh, for Pete's sake!
[SIGHS]
[GASPS]
You've been up here for months!
I've got you now, smiley face bandit.
Oh-oh-oh-oh!
- Oopsie-doodle. Hi! - Hi.
Um, that one is... is not for sale.
But it was on the shelf.
Yes, but that is just for display.
So, um, how about... Oh, how about this one?
Huh!
Oh, look at you, big boy! Handsome much?
Uh, now I want this one even more, thanks.
[GRUNTING] Uh, so sorry.
- No, I'm sorry. [LAUGHS] - Nope.
Gonna have to put my foot down. So sorry.
[LAUGHS] No, you're not.
[GRUNTING AND STRAINING]
[LOUDLY] You will take what I give you!
Um...
I think this one's good.
Thank you for your patronage. [AWKWARD CHUCKLE]
Chris, I did it!
I refocused my energy entirely on a mundane task.
I moved all of the badminton racquets into the tennis section
and all of the tennis racquets into the badminton section,
and reorganized all of them in alphabetical order by brand.
I didn't think about girls at all.
I didn't think about anything!
And when I was done, it felt so good!
That's called the flow state, my friend,
and it's nature's greatest high.
Now all you gotta do is keep up the practice.
- For how long? - Until you get home.
I can do that.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go colour-code the hockey socks.
This guy's too good. I got nothin'!
[CYNTHIA SIGHS]
DJ: There's no pattern here.
The guy's always one step ahead.
He's toying with me. I can feel it!
What do you want from me, huh?
[LOUDLY] What do you want from me?!
[PHONE RINGS]
CYNTHIA: Hello? Sure.
DJ, it's for you.
Oh, well...
[HEARING AID BEEPS]
Hello?
BANDIT: [DISTORTED VOICE] I won't stop
until your shelves are bare.
I can never hear on this damn phone.
He... He won't pop until the elves are there?
Ew...
[DISTORTED VOICE] No, I said I won't stop
until your shelves are bare.
DJ: Ah, damn, I know this isn't what you're saying,
but you won't pop until the elves are... are fair?
BANDIT: [DISTORTED VOICE] Shelves... shelves!
Like what you put your wares on.
DJ: I'm... I'm so sorry, but, uh, any chance
you can ungarble your voice?
This is really challenging for me.
[DISTORTED VOICE] Hmph! That's not happening.
DJ: I get that, but...
You are the smiley face bandit, though, right?
[GASPS]
[DISTORTED VOICE] Yes.
I knew it! I knew it!
Uh, okay. Hey, listen, I really wanna catch what you're saying.
Any chance you can text me?
BANDIT: [DISTORTED VOICE] Okay, fine.
Okay, my number is 746...
BANDIT: [DISTORTED VOICE] Uh, I don't have a pen yet.
- [IN A WHISPER] He doesn't have a pen. - BANDIT: [DISTORTED VOICE] Okay, go.
Um, okay. 746-555-0129.
Talk soon.
- [PHONE BUZZES] - Oh! Wow, that was quick.
He won't stop until our shelves are bare!
Oh!
Oh, that makes sense.
Oh, no...
"Think you could tell us when you'll be here next? LOL"
[TEXT MESSAGE SENT SOUND]
Have to try it, eh?
- Yeah. - [TEXT MESSAGE RECEIVED SOUND]_
He's in the store. He's in the store!
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Stay in the flow...
White on the left...
then the blues...
then the reds...
WOMAN: [VOICE] I'm looking to trade these in.
KEERAN: No, no, no...
I won't be tempted!
Stay in the flow, Keeran!
[SEXY HIP HOP BEAT]
Stay in the flow...
[SNIFFING]
Oh, you smell so good. That perfume...
[SEXY SAXOPHONE SOLO OVER BEAT]
[MUSIC SUDDENLY STOPS]
Hey, Cynth! Just in the flow!
[SEXY MUSIC RESUMES]
[STIFLING A SCREAM]
[SIGHS]
[INTRIGUING MUSIC]
♪
DJ: That's him!
What makes you think that?
The cloak.
Oh.
- Gotcha! - [GASPS] Are you DJ?
You know I am.
Here...
DJ: "Wrong again. ROFL."
Who gave this to you?!
I don't know!
What do you mean you don't know?
Some guy online paid me to deliver it!
Please, I'm sorry! [CRYING]
Son of a bitch!
He pay you to wear the cloak, too?
No. Why?
No reason.
Looks good on ya.
[FABRIC RUSTLING AND KEERAN BREATHING HEAVILY]
KEERAN: Oh my God... That's him!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[JEN SIGHS]
You still at it?
Oh, yeah, I'm, uh...
been throwing with my left hand just to challenge myself,
but I'll probably switch over to my right hand soon.
Yeah, sure.
Ooh, bullseye!
Too much time at the pub.
Anyway, keep it up, bridesmaid.
Fine! You win, okay, Wayne?!
I'm not good enough, okay? Are you happy now?
I can't do it.
- What? I-I wasn't... - I'm not a champion.
I'm a loser. Look at me.
I'm an Olympic medallist and I still work retail.
I can barely make my rent.
The only brand remotely interested in sponsoring me
dropped me after I yakked up your brother's jizz juice
all over myself on national television!
I mean, I dedicated my entire life to throwing a spear,
and I can't even hit a target on a dartboard!
Okay?! I'm pathetic!
[ROARING]
My dad was right.
Silver is for losers!
[SOBBING]
You know what? I'll move my car.
Geez!
[JEN BREATHING HEAVILY]
KEERAN: He's outside!
I just saw him leave!
- DJ: Who? - KEERAN: The Cheerio burglar!
DJ: Cheerio...?
He still thinks we sell cereal.
KEERAN: Freeze!
What seems to be the problem?
I saw you take a three-pack of tennis balls,
and I saw you put your sticker there, too.
- I don't understand. - Well, that settles it, then.
So sorry to bother you. Here's a coupon.
DJ: Wait, why are we giving up so quick?
Keeran said he saw the guy do it.
Do we not trust Keeran?
CHRIS: He has been... a little distracted today.
CYNTHIA: And this nice gentleman said that he didn't do it.
We don't want to throw around baseless accusations.
They're not baseless. They're base- full!
Like, I seen it with my own eyes!
CYNTHIA: Well, maybe your eyes deceived you.
KEERAN: What?
DJ: Cynthia, I know your heart is in the right place,
but don't underestimate him.
This disabled man is perfectly capable
of being a filthy criminal.
CYNTHIA: [GASPS] DJ, my goodness!
I'm all out of coupons, so, uh...
here's a twenty.
MAN: Thank you.
God bless.
- CYNTHIA: Oh! - DJ: No, but I don't...
Keeran said he's sure, so if he said he's sure...
KEERAN: It was him, I'm telling you!
- [LOUD CRASH] - [CYNTHIA SCREAMS]
- KEERAN: Oh my God! - [ALL SHOUTING]
- KEERAN: Oh my God! - CYNTHIA: Oh!
- DJ: Are you okay? - He ran into me! He ran into me!
- CHRIS: Are you hurt? - DJ: Oh, God...
CYNTHIA: Are you okay? What...
- I'm fine, just help me up. - WAYNE: He ran into me!
CYNTHIA: Oh, we are so sorry! We are...
- CHRIS: Get in there. - CYNTHIA: Wait... wait...
It was you!
BANDIT: Congratulations.
You finally got me, you dense pieces of shit.
I'm the smiley face bandit!
WAYNE: Whoa!
Ahh! Love the name, by the way.
Oh, thanks. It just kinda came to me.
But... why?
Why OMT?
- Because... you were open. - [ALL GASP]
CHRIS: But lots of stores are open.
Literally, every store in the Plaza is open.
It's just a cool line. Don't overthink it.
What about the stickers, though?
They look just like me!
Wow, that's an absurd conclusion to draw.
"You're so vain."
- Carly Simon? - Carly Simon!
- Wow. - My God.
What a tune.
Anyways, just wanted to say, uh...
- [THWACK] - [KEERAN SCREAMS]
- CHRIS: Are you hurt? - [ALL YELLING]
DJ: Breathe...
JEN: [GROWLING] Oof!
[HEROIC, 1980'S-STYLE SYNTHESIZER MUSIC]
♪
[STICK CLACKS INTO SPOKES]
Oh!
Yes!
- CHRIS: Damn! - CYNTHIA: Amazing!
JEN: Bullseye.
DJ: Whoa... That was some throw, Jen!
CYNTHIA: Alright!
Now let's get that thing out of his spokes.
I know he's a thief, but the optics here are terrible.
JEN: Hmm.
CYNTHIA: [SIGHS] Come on.
COP: Guy just spilled something on his crotch, you know?
DJ: Pardon me?
The repairman that's with my wife.
Just spilled something on his crotch.
- Ah. - Nina's a helper.
Always has been.
That's awesome.
Any... tips on how to fold this thing?
First you take that lever...
and then you shove it up your ass!
Figure it out yourself, bozo.
I just wanted to say...
Thanks again for seeing the real me.
Hey, man, it's no...
- [THWACK] - Augh!
CHRIS: That's going to leave a mark.
DJ: Oh... man! Always with the sack tap!
BANDIT: Kinda my move.
The stickers... and the sack tap!
I'll text you.
[CYNTHIA GRUNTS WITH EFFORT]
[EXHALES]
Well, that... is the last of them!
Aah!
Great job, team!
[APPLAUSE]
DJ: And a special shout-out goes to...
Jen Hauser,
who really proved her Olympic 'mettle' today.
Guess silver ain't so bad after all.
No, it is.
DJ: Guess you don't need security cameras
when you have a staff as vigilant as ours.
No, you do.
Alright, let's go refill these shelves.
He got us good.
Which is terrible. Very upsetting.
CYNTHIA: Um... Keeran?
Uh, before you go, a little word?
KEERAN: Hmm?
I stumbled across some secret security footage.
Hmm?
Could you explain this?
[KEERAN MOANING ON VIDEO]
KEERAN: [VIDEO] Oh, God...
We should meet in my basement next time.
[GASPS]
I can't believe that I have to say this,
but intimate relations with any of the merchandise
is categorically against store policy.
I'm so sorry, Cynthia!
Please do not fire me.
I'll buy the goalie pads! Huh?
Oh, please.
Consider them a gift.
Oh, Keeran...
KEERAN: [VIDEO] I... love... you...
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Go sanitize that section now.
Go!
JEN: Yeah, I'll be back in five.
Oh...!
Where'd this come from?
Wait, did DJ do this?
I... Oh, geez, yeah. Must have, yeah.
Who else would waste their money on such a frivolous achievement?
Pfft!
_
They let you have a phone?
"I snuck it in my butt."
TMI!
[TEXT MESSAGE SENT SOUND]
- [TEXT MESSAGE RECEIVED SOUND] - "Come visit me"...?
I don't think so.
[TEXT MESSAGE SENT SOUND]
- [TEXT MESSAGE RECEIVED SOUND] - "Suck my"...
[CHUCKLES]
This guy is a menace!
[SEXY HIP HOP BEAT AND SAXOPHONE MELODY]
[WOMEN MOANING]
♪
- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com