(Thunder)
(Six) Where am I?
(Two) In the village.
(Six) What do you want?
(Two) Information.
(Six) Whose side are you on?
(Two) That would be telling.
(Two) We want information...
(Two) Information...
(Two) Information.
(Six) You won't get it.
(Two) By hook or by crook... ...we will.
(Six) Who are you?
(Two) The new Number Two.
(Six) Who is Number One?
(Two) You are Number Six.
(Six) I am not a number. I am a free man!
(Number Two laughs)
(Applause)
- Busy, Potter? - It's our form of Siberia.
- What was the Colonel up to? - Dr Schnipps, crazy scientist.
He's got a rocket to destroy London.
- Where? - I don't know.
(Buzzer) Excuse me.
Ridiculous.
- Yes. - Where do I start?
Go to Magnum record shop, booth seven. The Chief will speak to you.
Chin up, Potter.
It was so damned unsporting.
It wasn't cricket. Keep the change.
(Loud rock music)
(Chief) Mission - find and destroy Schnipp's rocket,
but I can't help much - the opposition is one step ahead.
- Thanks(!) - What was that?
- Nothing. - Take over from the Colonel.
(Gasps)
- The usual, sir? - Please, Doris.
Thank you.
- Same again, sir? - No. One of those is quite enough.
Brandy.
Whisky, vodka, Drambuie.
Tia Maria, Cointreau, Grand Marnier.
Sir, you'll make yourself sick.
(Sniggers)
(Hums)
What a brave loser!
One of the many in this year's heavy weight title, ladies and gentlemen.
Those are the sort of fights you don't see in the big clubs.
And now, for the first time ever in this country,
at 2 1 0lbs, the Polish giant, Killer Karminski!
(Applause and boos)
Let's hear it for the gallant opponent, who will go three rounds
with the Killer, a man of mystery, in the front row,
Mr X!
(Cheers)
(Old woman's voice) Good luck, young man.
Killer Karminski!
(Cheers and boos)
Mr X!
(Cheers)
I want a good clean fight. No kicking, butting or gouging,
except in moderation.
May the best man win. Back to your corners.
Seconds out, round one! (Bell)
Take it easy, me face is me fortune. You might knock it back into shape.
Break!
Go to the tunnel of love.
- The what? - The tunnel of love.
(Grunts)
Who... gave... you... the... message?
A lady.
- Who? - I don't know.
- Who was she? - Didn't I tell ya? I don't know!
The tunnel of love.
(Woman's voice) Hello. Don't turn round, you're covered.
The tunnel of love is fitting
because I'm beginning to love you in my way.
I've been looking for a worthy opponent
and you've passed my first tests brilliantly.
You will be hearing from me again. Auf Wiedersehen!
(Laughter)
(Screaming)
What's your game, Sherlock?
I'll spread your nose all over your face.
I'll tear off your leg and beat you over the head with it.
I love you madly.
I love the way your hair curls on the back of your neck.
You'll make a beautiful corpse.
I'm going to do you the honour of letting you die... superbly.
(Revs up)
But not yet, darling. There's more fun to come.
(Woman's voice) I'm glad you came.
This is to be our love tryst.
You may not see my face, but you may know my name.
My name... is Death.
I'm sorry my father couldn't be here to greet you.
He's busy with his rocket.
Besides, he didn't wish to play gooseberry.
You are a born survivor, I am a born killer.
We were made for each other,
but I fear this is where it must end .
Your reflexes can't save you now.
It will come suddenly, when your luck runs out...
...with my love.
Come, come inside, my darling.
Is your heart pounding? Your hands shaking?
That's love, my darling.
My father was a great man, but the war ended before he was recognised .
But when London lies in ruins, he will be a god .
Nice of you to drop in.
I can see you're having a swinging time.
But that's not quite what I had in mind .
Perhaps this will help.
You'll soon get the point.
Incidentally, they're electrified.
Ingenious.
Nobody's ever thought of that before.
You're really the most entertaining lover I've ever had.
That was ill-mannered and dangerous.
I might not have been able to warn you the floor is mined -
small, sensitive, and quite deadly.
Oh, I almost forgot, they will all explode anyway in 90 seconds.
That's the hot line, or had you noticed?
On from the butcher's and baker's into the candlestick maker's,
only he never made candles like these.
They have a cyanide derivative mixed with wax.
As the wax burns, it gives off cyanide.
Every candle is breathing poison into the air.
I do so believe in double glazing, don't you?
It keeps out the noise.
Of course, it does keep out the air, too.
A word of advice: if the candles are blown out, they explode.
And that's only one of the little ones!
I warned you your luck would run out.
I'm glad it's to be this way.
I hate quick farewells, don't you?
Interesting.
Mice get just as irrational when they're about to die.
Here, when a great man was dying, they sounded the death knell.
I think that was a charming idea.
(Bell)
All right, darling, you win. I've just realised something.
I don't want to kill you - you're the best.
If I kill you, what would be left? Life would be a bore.
Why don't you join us?
We could have a wonderful life together.
You would be a constant challenge to me.
Join me in the bell tower. What do you say, darling?
Don't let pride stand in your way.
Whee!
(Engine splutters)
Bye, bye, lover.
(Death knell)
(Hatch opens)
From glen to glen and o'er the mountain side
The summer's gone and all the roses...
'Tis you, 'tis you must bide and I must go
But come ye back when summer's in the meadow...
Everybody's doing it now, you see.
You're quite sure you killed him?
Father, who taught me?
You're a girl after my own heart.
If only your mother could see you.
Good old Josephine.
Tell me again about her last cavalry charge.
Not now, child. We have work to do.
Gentlemen!
Yes, all right. That's very good.
In one hour's time, London will lie entirely in ruins.
No more Trafalgar Square - it will be Napoleon's Square.
Nelson's Column will be Napoleon's Column.
Then my little girl here will take over Bond Street.
And you, merry lads, can have...
Chelsea Barracks.
Ungrateful swine... And then we will be taking over the entire regions.
- The Scottish Marshal here? - Present.
- Are you keen on soccer? - Aye, sir.
- Like Wembley Stadium? - Aye, I would.
It's yours. Welsh Marshal...
What a great day for the Nationalists.
Thank you, Jones. Irish?
He's gone to the armoury.
Blast! What does he do down there?
The countdown has now started.
Hmm?
(Bleeping)
Yes, of course. Thank you.
As I was saying, the countdown has already started.
In a few minutes, we transfer to the speedboat for the final phase.
O'Rourke will...
Where is Marshal O'Rourke? Find him at once. All of you!
Oh... It's Waterloo all over again.
(Man) He must’ve come through here.
- Is O'Rourke anywhere? - (Irish accent) No.
- He must've come through here. - I haven't seen him.
- What's going on here? - I dunno.
Excuse me a minute.
There he is. Take your firing positions.
Fire!
This one won't backfire, darling.
(Bleeping)
This climbing rope holds an elephant.
I'll remember that the next time I go climbing with one.
There won't be a next time, darling.
Your death will be original - on a rocket ride.
Where is the rocket?
It is here. All around you.
The lighthouse itself is the rocket.
You've guessed. You're not the Duke of Wellington, are you?
I expect you're surprised to meet me.
Aren't I an extraordinary man?
Crazy.
This is the nose cone.
When the rocket reaches London, you'll be the first to know.
- Won't that be exciting? - I'll go to pieces.
(Bleeping changes tone)
It is time to board the boat.
The flight pattern is set.
All that remains is to fire the lighthouse when we get to sea.
Bon voyage, darling. Think of me when you hit town.
(High-pitched tone)
Careful, careful.
They're my records, you know.
That'll do.
Please hurry, it's three minutes to blast-off.
I must have my papers, these are the history.
(Engine switches on)
I've always taught you to be calm and methodical.
- Oh... - What is it?
- I forgot to turn the gas off. - Oh, Father.
Look! Stop him!
Not those, these.
Oh, yes.
(Ticking)
And that is how I saved London from the mad scientist.
- Oh, one more, please. - No more tonight.
It's past bedtime. Come on.
- There's a good girl. - You will come tomorrow, please.
- We'll see. - Promise. He will come...
Tomorrow, he will come.
- I want to hear more. - Shh!
Sleep. I'll come tomorrow.
I don't think I have any other important appointments.
He might drop his guard with children...
- He might give something away. - It was worth a try, Number Two.
He told them a...
He told them a blessed fairy tale.
He wouldn't drop his guard with his own grandmother!
Good night, children...
Everywhere.