(Thunder)
(Six) Where am I?
(Two) In the village.
(Six) What do you want?
(Two) Information.
(Six) Whose side are you on?
(Two) That would be telling.
(Two) We want information...
(Two) Information...
(Two) Information.
(Six) You won't get it.
(Two) By hook or by crook... . . .we will.
(Six) Who are you?
(Two) The new Number Two.
(Six) Who is Number One?
(Two) You are Number Six.
(Six) I am not a number. I am a free man!
(Number Two laughs)
(Applause)
Busy, Potter?
It's our form of Siberia.
What was the Colonel up to?
Dr Schnipps, crazy scientist.
For the last 26 years,
he's been building a super rocket to destroy London.
Where?
Just what the Colonel was about to find out.
(Buzzer) Excuse me.
Ridiculous.
- Yes. - Where do I start?
You are to go to the Magnum record shop, booth seven.
The Chief will speak to you there.
Chin up, Potter.
It was so damned unsporting.
It certainly wasn't cricket.
Keep the change.
(Loud rock music)
(Chief) Mission. Find and destroy Professor Schnipp's rocket.
There's very little help I can give you, I'm afraid.
The opposition has been one step ahead of us all along.
- Thank you very much. - What was that?
- Nothing. - Standard disguise.
Take over where the Colonel left off.
(Gasps)
- And the usual, sir? - Please, Doris.
Thank you.
- Same again, sir? - No, thank you.
One of those is quite enough.
Brandy.
Whisky, vodka, Drambuie.
Tia Maria, Cointreau, Grand Marnier.
Sir, you'll make yourself sick.
(Sniggers)
(Hums)
What a brave loser!
One of the many in this year's heavy weight title, ladies and gentlemen.
Those are the sort of fights you don't see in the big clubs.
And now, let me introduce to you,
for the first time ever in this country,
at 210lbs, the Polish giant, Killer Karminski!
(Applause and boos)
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
another hand I want for the gallant and courageous opponent
who has undertaken to go three rounds with the Killer,
a man of mystery, in the front row,
Mr. X!
(Cheers)
(Old woman's voice) Good luck, young man.
Killer Karminski!
(Cheers and boos)
Mr X!
(Cheers)
I want a good clean fight.
No kicking, butting or gouging, except in moderation.
When I say break, break. Don't forget, eh.
May the best man win. Go back to your corners.
Seconds out, round one! (Bell)
Take it easy, sir, will ye? Me face is me fortune.
You might knock it back into shape.
Break!
Let's go to the tunnel of love.
- The what? - The tunnel of love.
(Grunts)
Who... gave... you... the... message?
A lady.
- Who was she? - I don't know.
Who was she?
Didn't I tell ya? I don't know!
The tunnel of love.
(Woman's voice) Hello. No, don't turn round.
I have you're covered.
The tunnel of love is very fitting.
Because I'm beginning to love you in my way.
All my live, I've been looking for a worthy opponent.
You have passed my first little tests brilliantly.
You'll be hearing from me again. Auf Wiedersehen!
(Laughter)
(Screaming)
Here, what's your game, Sherlock Holmes?
I'll spread your nose all over your face.
I'll (indistinct) you up and down these fairground.
You'll never pick up your teeth with a broken arm.
I'll tear off your leg and I'll beat you over the 'ead with it.
I love you madly.
I love the way your hair curls on the back of your neck.
You'll make a beautiful corpse.
I'm going to do you the honour of letting you die...
...superbly.
(Revs up)
But not yet, darling.
There's more fun to come.
(Woman's voice) I'm glad you came.
This is to be our love tryst.
You may not see my face, but you may know my name.
My name... is Death.
I'm sorry my father could not be here to greet you.
But he's busy with his rocket.
Besides, he did not wish to play gooseberry.
You are a born survivor.
I am a born killer.
We were made for each other.
But I fear this is where it must end.
Your reflexes cannot save you now.
It will come swiftly, suddenly, when your luck runs out...
...with my love.
Come.
Come inside, my darling.
Is your heart pounding? Your hands shaking?
That's love, my darling.
My father was a great man,
but the war ended before he was recognised.
But when London lies in ruins, he will be a god.
Nice of you to drop in.
I can see you're having a swinging time.
But that's not quite what I had in mind.
Perhaps this will help.
You'll soon get the point.
Incidentally, they're electrified.
Ingenious.
Nobody's ever thought of that before.
You're really are the most entertaining lover I've ever had.
That was ill-mannered and dangerous.
I might not have been able to warn you that the rest of this floor is mined.
Very small, very sensitive, and quite deadly.
Oh, I almost forgot.
They will all explode anyway in 90 seconds.
That's the hot line, or had you noticed?
You've been through the butcher's and the baker's.
Now you're in the candlestick maker's.
Only he never made candles like these.
These are my invention.
They have a cyanide derivative mixed with the wax.
As the wax burns, it gives off cyanide gas.
Every candle in this room is breathing poison into the air.
I do so believe in double glazing, don't you?
Keeps out the noise.
Of course, it does keep out the air, too.
Oh, a last word of advice.
If the candles are blown out, they explode.
And that's only one of the little ones!
I warned you your luck would run out.
I've got you now.
I'm glad it's to be this way.
I hate quick farewells, don't you?
Interesting.
I've noticed mice get irrational just the same way
when they know they're going to die.
In this village in the past,
when a great man was dying,
they sounded the death knell.
I think that was a charming idea.
(Bell)
All right, darling, you win.
I've just realised something.
I don't want to kill you anymore, you're the best.
If I kill you, what would be left for me?
Life would be a bore.
Why don't you join us, my father and me?
We could have a wonderful life together.
You would be a constant challenge to me.
Come and join me in the bell tower.
What do you say, darling?
Don't let silly pride stand in your way.
Whee!
(Engine splutters)
Bye, bye, lover.
(Death knell)
(Hatch opens)
From glen to glen and o'er the mountain side
The summer's gone and all the roses...
'Tis you, 'tis you must bide and I must go
But come ye back when summer's in the meadow...
Everybody's doing it now, you see.
You're quite sure you killed him?
Father, who taught me?
You're a girl after my own heart.
If only our dear mother could see you now.
Good old Josephine.
Tell me again about her last cavalry charge.
Not now, child.
We have work to do.
Gentlemen!
Yes, all right. That's very good.
In one hour's time,
London will lie entirely in ruins.
And then of course, there'll be no more Trafalgar Square.
That will be Napoleon's Square.
And of course, Nelson's Column will go to be Napoleon's Column.
Then my little girl here will be taking over Bond Street.
And you, merry lads, can have...
...Chelsea Barracks.
Ungrateful swine.
And then we'll be taking over the entire regions.
- Scottish Marshal here? - Present.
- Keen on soccer? - Aye, sir, I am, I am.
- Like Wembley Stadium? - Aye, I would.
It's yours.
- Welsh Marshal? - Yes, sir.
What a great day for the Nationalists, sir.
Thank you, Marshall Jones. Irish?
He's gone to search the armoury. He'll not be long.
Blast, O'Rourke! What on earth does he do down there?
The countdown has now started.
Hmm?
(Bleeping)
Yes, yes of course. Thank you.
As I was saying, the countdown has now already started.
In a few minutes, we transfer to the speedboat
and control the final phase of the operation from the sea.
O'Rourke will...
Where is Marshal O'Rourke?
Find him at once. All of you!
Oh...[indistinct].
It's Waterloo all over again.
(Man) He must have come through here.
- Is O'Rourke anywhere? - (Irish accent) No.
But he must have come through here.
- Well, I-I haven't seen...
- What's going on here? - I dunno.
Excuse me a minute.
There he is. Take your firing positions.
Fire!
This one won't backfire, darling.
(Bleeping)
Mountaineering rope. Could hold an elephant.
I must remember that next time I go climbing with one.
I'm afraid there won't be a next time for you, darling.
I'm gonna give you the most original death in history.
You're going for a rocket ride.
The rocket. That reminds me. Where is it?
- It is here. - Here?
- All around you. - All around.
(Both) The lighthouse itself is the rocket.
You've guessed.
I say, you're not the Duke of Wellington, are you?
Well, I expect you're surprised to meet me.
Don't you think its clever? Aren't I an extraordinary man?
Crazy.
This is the nose cone we're in now.
Don't you see?
When the rocket reaches London, you'll be the first to know.
Won't that be exciting?
I'll just go to pieces.
(Bleeping changes tone)
It is time to go board the boat.
Flight pattern is set.
All that remains is to fire the...
lighthouse when we get out to sea.
Bon voyage, darling.
Think of me when you hit town.
(High-pitched tone)
Careful, careful.
They're my records, you know.
That'll do.
Please hurry, it's three minutes to blast-off.
I must have my papers, these are the history.
(Engine switches on)
Darling, I've always taught you to be calm and methodical.
- Oh... - What is it?
- I forgot to turn the gas off. - Oh, Father.
Look! Stop him!
Not those, these.
Oh these. Oh yes, oh please.
(Ticking)
And that is how I saved London from the mad scientist.
(children asking for more)
Uh, no more tonight. It's way past your bedtime.
Come on now, bed.
There's a good girl.
You will come tomorrow, please, please.
Yes, we'll see. We'll see.
(children chattering)
Shh...!
Sleep. I'll come tomorrow.
I don't think I have any other important appointments.
He might drop his guard with children...
He might give something away.
Well, it's worth a try, Number Two.
He told them a...
He told them a blessed fairy tale.
That one wouldn't drop his guard with his own grandmother!
Good night, children...
Everywhere.
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