Previously on Weeds.
Did you take something that doesn't belong to you?
- I want in. - That's him.
Shit.
Hey, what the hell, you can't do that.
I did this for your own good, Nancy.
- They want to send me to Iraq, Lupita. - Bye.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I need someone I trust to handle my money.
- What money? - For my commercials.
I'm the new Huskeroos girl.
- You were traded. - I was what?
Now, I bought your chit, you're about to grow me some shit.
The way I see it, you still owe me 150 G's, lady!
How long have I been asleep?
- Not long. - 22 hours.
- Shane. - What, like she wouldn't figure it out?
This is absolutely delicious.
- I make this. - Lupita, you're fired.
What? But I cooked!
I can't afford to pay you any more.
What if I tell the police what you do?
Then the guy I owe money to might decide to kill you.
Erm, maybe we should not discuss this
in front of the younger members of our audience.
I'm not keeping any secrets any more.
The kids need to know what's going on so they can be aware if there's danger.
What kind of danger?
Big, scary men with guns who want a lot of money from Mommy,
so let's just be alert
and talk about how much money we can all raise now.
Andy, speak to me.
If you stake me the ten-grand buy-in,
there's a World Poker Classic at Commerce this week.
- Silas, what you got? - I can crack safes.
Too soon, my son. Too soon. Shane.
I have a stock portfolio worth $2600.
- Cash it in. - But if I liquidate now, I pay a penalty.
Shane, now.
The three of you keep thinking.
Now, there's not much here in the way of assets,
but you do have Isabelle and her Huskeroos contract.
Now, that is a cash cow right there.
You got the cow part right.
Hey, that is no way to talk about your greatest asset.
If you have a lousy relationship with your income-generating child,
you need to turn that around right now.
Spend some time with her. Charm her.
You want sole custody.
- I do? - You do.
You're not the one that cupped her pubescent breasts
after a few too many chardonnays.
What?
- Never. - Well, just thought I'd float it out there,
see if it caught wind.
Doesn't matter. We'll get him. Allow me to illustrate.
This is your husband.
Watch how he struggles for the slightest hint of sustenance,
slouching toward a Bethlehem of mercy that never appears.
And just when he's about to resign himself to his miserable, doomed fate,
we allow the son of a bitch to escape with his life.
Over here, you little fucker.
In the end, he'll thank us for not crushing his sad, little testicles in a vice.
Do fish have testicles?
Fish have internal testicles.
Only real downer, besides the residual pain,
is the issue of warm-weather footwear.
I sport the flip-flop, the summer sandal,
I get stares. Children cry and run away.
- Can we go to the arcade now? - Well, Mr. Botwin...
when injuries such as yours may have rendered you unfit for duty in the past,
- I'm afraid times have changed. - Hmm? What do you mean?
In case you haven't read a newspaper in four years, this country, your country, is at war.
Actually, technically, Operation "Iraqi Freedom"
is an extended military engagement.
War has not been declared.
Actually, technically,
authorisation for the use of military force has been given by Congress.
That's enough to activate your uncle here into service.
Yeah, I'm clearly not fit.
- You can walk, can't you? - Not in lockstep, no.
- I tend to weave now. - Didn't notice.
- I'll fail the drug test. - We'll clean you up.
- I'm gay. - We got a unit for that.
Look, son, truth is, you're never gonna see combat.
- We want to win this war. - It's not a war.
My point is, you're headed for a desk job, son.
So quit your whining and prepare to serve, cos we got you and we're not gonna let you go.
Now, you report back here at 0500 tomorrow morning
with these papers properly filled out.
You must bring with you a social security card,
a birth certificate, and a driver's licence.
Do not bring iPods, watches, jewellery, excessive cash, or any other valuables.
This is bullshit.
Welcome to the army, soldier.
All the MILF weed's destroyed?
- There's nothing. - I was gonna buy a boat.
Doug, can we just focus on me for a second, please?
- I'm in serious trouble. - All right.
Lots of cash, real quick, no boat.
OK.
- Why aren't you dressed? - Dana threw me out of the house.
I've been sleeping here in the office.
- She threw you out? - Yeah.
She found out that I was fucking Celia.
Celia? Jesus!
I'm repulsed.
Fascinated.
I need to hear about this. Not now, definitely later.
Now we need to focus.
How much could I raise if I liquidated all my stocks and bonds?
- You don't have stocks and bonds. - Yes, I do.
I have stocks and bonds. Judah left me stocks and bonds.
He did, but then you had me sell everything so you could start up the bakery.
- Everything? - There wasn't much.
Judah was lousy at playing the market.
I mean, a company that sells morning-after pills for dogs?
- You were the one advising him, Doug. - OK, that one did not come from me.
Clear dentures. Yeah, me.
But he went rogue on ARF-U 486.
- Anyway, you're broke again. - No, Doug, unacceptable.
There has to be something. There's always something.
How much money could I get if I sold my house?
Not much. The bubble's bursting in Agrestic.
Majestic next door, that's the new hot spot, with their chartered schools and mega-church.
- It's crucifying our property values. - How much, Doug?
If you even found a buyer, you can net maybe 50 grand.
But then any place you'd rent would be more than the mortgage you're paying now.
- It's not smart. - It's cash in hand. Let's do it.
- Where will you live? - I can only deal with one thing at a time.
If I deal with one thing at a time, I'm less inclined to shoot myself in the head.
Oh, don't do that. Your life insurance ran out a few weeks ago.
I sent you an e-mail.
Get it back, Doug. My kids may seriously need it soon.
I gotta go.
- Celia. - The cock wants what it wants.
5,000 square feet of raw space at 250 a foot is a good price.
Mm-hm.
I could retrofit the climate control, put three or four generators in,
wouldn't have to worry about the sound.
Put the cover business up front for appearances. Secure the back for crops.
Mm-hm.
Downtown is supposed to be blowing up right now.
The lady said they're building a Whole Foods just up the block,
so you can get all that good gourmet shit you like.
Boy, looky here. How you like that view?
He gonna kill those nice plants.
Why you start smoking again?
I ain't seen you smoke since back when I was in junior high.
And, God damn. Mores, no less.
I started smoking, I was long and brown, like these cigarettes.
Everything has changed.
You don't like it, come on. Let's tell her we're gonna keep looking.
Can you grow here?
Hell, yeah. It's perfect.
Fucking shame it's all gonna be for U-Turn.
You let me worry about U-Turn.
Just grow.
How we doing out here?
We'll take it.
That toilet paper is like wiping yourself
- With a brown paper bag. - Are your... parts OK?
My parts are fine.
Can I go home now? This place is a pit.
No, it's not. It's... kitschy.
Like we're in film noir.
It's a walk on the wild side.
Didn't you like getting manicures?
- You wouldn't let me get the colour I wanted. - Black is not a colour.
- Tell that to black people. - I don't know any.
Maybe there's something good on television.
Over two sizzling hours of hot, young girl-on-girl action.
- Sweet. - No. No, you're not watching that.
- Might as well just go to bed. - Fine.
- Here. - How come I have to sleep on the cot?
Because I'm the mother, and you're the child.
Unless you wanted to share the bed.
We haven't done that since you were four.
- How fun! - Yeah, well, I'm not four.
And I don't have any desire to share a bed with my mother.
Why am I even here?
- Because we're spending time together. - But we don't like each other.
Maybe we just don't know each other very well.
No, this is a chance for us to improve our relationship.
- Mm. - I'll get in my bed. You get in your bed.
We'll shut off the lights, and we will really talk, OK?
That's a condom.
Pearl inlay on the fret boards.
That's handmade. It's a '56 Les Paul.
Should bring in about 3,000 bucks on eBay.
- You should have kept running. - Hey, let's keep hope alive.
I'm only going to be three hours away. It's on American soil.
I can come visit every weekend,
and you can hang out in my room whenever you feel sad.
Don't open the nightstand drawer.
Actually, your room isn't gonna be here.
I decided to put the house up for sale.
It's a good time to rent, with the market and all.
We all need to embrace change.
Yeah.
Hey, good luck in court today, champ.
Fingers crossed for a female judge. Cry if you can.
I'll keep that in mind.
It's good to embrace change, right?
Marvin.
Lady brings me seven grand.
- What I do with seven grand? - You wipe your ass with seven grand.
This is bullshit.
Marvin, go pick up one of her kids and break his leg.
It's all I've got.
I'm waiting on some PayPal payments.
I promise I'll have more for you to wipe your ass with soon.
You gonna work this off in trade.
What kind of trade?
White slave trade.
Here.
Go there.
Tell them I sent you. They gonna give you a package.
- Bring that package back to me. - A package of what?
A package of whatever the fuck I tell you to pick up, bitch!
OK, you don't have to yell at me.
- When do you need it? - Right now.
My son's being sentenced today.
That's just sad.
You know, you should really get him in one of those after-school programmes
instead of letting him run all wild and shit.
- I'm really glad you understand. - I don't understand shit.
Move some stuff around.
I'll do my best.
- Why did you send her? - I wanted to see how she'd do.
Please talk to me.
Listen, I am really trying here.
Just sitting there like some little shitball.
- Can I help you? - My name is Miriam Walters.
I'm an officer with the State of California Child Protective Services.
Are you Ms. Celia "Hod-es"?
It's pronounced "Hodes".
May we have your permission to enter the premises?
- What for? - I must warn you
that if you do not allow me entry into the premises,
I will return with a court order.
If you still refuse me entry, you may be subject to prosecution
under California state law, which...
All right, obviously, there's some mistake.
No, there isn't. I called them.
Ah, you little jokester, you.
I must ask you once more, Ms. "Hod-es", do I have permission to enter the premises?
Sure. Enter away.
I have nothing to hide.
What are you writing?
I'm here to determine whether this is an unsuitable environment
in which to house a child.
There was a used condom in my bed.
That was not a condom.
- Then what was it? - A plastic wrapper.
With a reservoir tip?
Just because this establishment
may be on the lower end of the economic scale
does not mean that it's unsuitable.
If you are suggesting that anything less than affluence
is somehow untoward, Ms. Walters,
well, I think that I need to...
Oh, yeah! Oh!
Fuck me harder!
...speak to your supervisor. - Yeah. Come on, babe.
Fuck me harder! Fuck me harder!
- Yeah! Yeah! - Fuck me harder!
- Harder! - Yeah!
- Harder! Harder! - Yeah!
Hola.
U-Turn sent me.
I'm supposed to pick up a package.
U-Turn...
Para obtengo el paqueto.
- Any chance you speak French? - Ven aquí.
You say U-Turn sends you?
Yeah, U-Turn. He sent me. I'm supposed to pick up a package.
Will you please tell him to open the door?
What's the matter, you don't speak Spanish?
No, I don't.
How can you live in Los Angeles and not know Spanish?
We're almost half the population here.
Por ejemplo, if I told you...
conozco a este hombre que se llama U-Turn...
would you not like that?
Erm, well, that depends. What does it mean?
It means that maybe I do know this man who calls himself U-Turn.
Then maybe you also have a package for me.
Maybe I do.
- Ta-da! - Oh...
Er...
I have to be in court right now,
so let's just pretend that I reached for it another few times,
and each time, you grabbed it away. So...
where does that leave us?
You ever get something for nothing in your life?
I don't think so.
And it ain't gonna happen for the first time here.
What do you want?
I want you to do the brick dance for me.
A brick dance?
You must dance to the great God of mota!
And if you do it right, then you get your brick.
And if I refuse?
No baila, no brick.
This is not a real brick dance.
Man, that's a shot-of-cheap-tequila dance.
Now show me a real brick dance.
You know what? That's a loose-joint dance, at best.
You know what? I been way too sweet with you.
If you will not do a real brick dance for me,
then I cannot give you the brick.
Mm-mm, won't happen.
Er, hold your horses, Pedro.
- Ooh, mami.
Oh.
My name is Guillermo,
not Pedro.
That was a real nice brick dance.
Tell your friend U-Turn,
you tell him he's a lawn jockey now.
Hasta luego.
Yeah. Adiós.
- What the fuck is this? - Your pot.
He said to tell you that you're a lawn jockey now.
I'm not sure what that means,
but I figure you two have some sort of drug-dealer shorthand that I'm not privy to.
You were supposed to pick up a key of jack.
- Jack? - I had it all promised out.
What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?
That would be a euphemism for...
heroin?
I'm gonna kill that bean-farting motherfucker.
- This is your fault, bitch! - My fault?
Bet your ass. And you gonna make it right too.
Look...
I'm not a "gangsta". All right?
You never told me what I was supposed to be picking up.
There's really only so much
you can reasonably expect from me in these situations.
I did a fucking brick dance for you, OK?
I got a parking ticket.
- A brick dance? - I did what you told me to.
Let's just sit down like rational people and start dialling down my debt.
Are you done?
Chop that shit up. Move it. Bring me back twelve-fi'.
Twelve-five? No way I'm gonna get twelve-five for a brick.
You got four days.
And I'm taking the money that I gave that fucking wetback for my jack,
and I'm adding it onto your tab.
Yeah, I'm not stupid, OK. I know what this is worth,
and it's not twelve-five. Eight, maybe.
Thirteen!
I'm mad, so now I gotta fuck shit up.
I don't got any more shit to fuck up, OK?
I've got kids. I've got bills.
How am I supposed to put food on my table if you keep upping my debt?
Get a fucking job.
Young man, the theft you committed of those surveillance cameras
was more than just a simple act of vandalism.
It was a slap in the face to this community
and the citizens who have dedicated their time ridding Agrestic of drugs.
So I'm inclined to make an example of you
and your wanton disregard for civic property.
Excuse me, Judge.
I'd like to speak out on behalf of my son.
- He's normally very responsible... - Save it, Mrs. Botwin.
Mrs. Hodes has already beaten you to the punch.
She's explained that your family has gone through enough
and asked me to go easy on the boy.
Silas Botwin, you are hereby sentenced to six months of community service.
Both you and your mother owe Mrs. Hodes a great deal of gratitude.
I think we really need to talk.
Go fuck yourself, Celia.
All right, listen up!
It's my sorry-ass job to inform you ass-felching,
salad-tossing, cum-guzzling faggots
that that butt-ugly face you're staring at this very moment
is one of the most important goddamn faces you'll ever lay your eyes upon.
That is your battle buddy.
Your battle buddy is like a Siamese twin.
He shits, you shit. He fucks up, you fuck up.
He goes down, you go down.
- All right, people. - This is just like 'Nam.
Yeah, you got that right.
I can't wait to kill me some terrorists.
Are you kidding me? This isn't about terrorism.
We are just pawns in a chess game for control of the oil production.
Who cares? Bring it on, man.
- Please don't talk to me any more. - You're gonna shit when I shit.
Six weeks from today,
this entire troop of girl scouts will be shipped off to Iraq.
So you best pay close attention
to every goddamn word that comes out of my godly mouth.
Er, Sergeant Bilko, hi. I'm in the wrong place. They promised me a desk job...
Who in the hell gave you permission to break rank, you flaccid little dick?
Yeah, I just wanted to make sure...
They promise everybody a desk job, you useless twat!
- Yeah, I have eight toes. - And I got four dicks!
So you better fall back in line before I use one of them to fuck you up the ass with!
Now fall back in line, Botwin!
You people are losers. You're scumbags, and I am God.
This is gonna be great.
...because I won't be responsible when you get to Iraq.
And if you don't listen to me, guess what - you will die!
What are you looking at, you piece of shit?
Well, in light of this incident, we intend to petition the judge
and ask that Ms. Hodes only have access to her daughter, Isabelle,
on weekends, at the house, in the presence of Mr. Hodes.
That's outrageous.
Weekends at the house unsupervised by Mr. Hodes.
- Nope. - Fine.
Fine? What do you mean, fine?
I am the mother.
Why aren't his internal fish balls in a vice?
- What happened to the fish? - The fish gasps when the cow gives milk.
You dried up the cow.
Oh, so now I'm the fish.
What the hell are they talking about?
She's dumping your wife because she doesn't think she'll get paid.
- I am not a fish, you hear me? - Oh, this is great.
I am nobody's fish.
She's right, you know. She's not a fish.
She just drinks like one.
Fuck you all.
You want me out of your life.
Fine.
I am out of your life.
- Can we talk about this? - No, we can't.
Silas, I told you, this is too much.
Make the bags lighter, OK?
Hey! Bidding's up to $2800 on Uncle Andy's guitar.
That's great, sweetie.
- I was just trying... - To what, Silas, help me?
No, didn't help.
Matter of fact, made it worse, a lot worse.
But I'll tell you how you can help me now.
Make the bags lighter, OK?
- Pizza. - Wait here. I'll get it.
- Nancy Botwin? - Yes.
Agent Fundis, DEA.
I'm here to talk about Peter Scottson.