1
00:00:03,700 --> 00:00:06,470
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
2
00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:10,410
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
3
00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:13,350
♪ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
4
00:00:13,410 --> 00:00:17,520
♪and he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
5
00:00:19,590 --> 00:00:22,490
♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
6
00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:24,120
♪ good morning, USA. ♪
7
00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:38,670
Dad, dad, dad!
Stan, Stan!
Dad, dad!
8
00:00:38,740 --> 00:00:40,370
Stan, Stan the man!
You'll never
believe it!
9
00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:41,910
I've got something
really big!
You're gonna (bleep).
10
00:00:41,980 --> 00:00:43,740
You're all gonna (bleep).
One at a time.
11
00:00:43,810 --> 00:00:46,210
Stan, the new TV guide came,
and you'll never guess what--
12
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,080
Barbra does Celine.
13
00:00:48,150 --> 00:00:49,950
Barbra does Celine!
Huh?
14
00:00:50,020 --> 00:00:53,090
Barbra Streisand will be singing
the songs of Celine Dion
15
00:00:53,150 --> 00:00:55,520
In a one-night-only,
live pay-per-view event!
16
00:00:55,590 --> 00:00:57,060
I don't think Barbra
has the range
17
00:00:57,120 --> 00:00:58,430
To sing Celine's songs.
18
00:00:58,490 --> 00:00:59,990
Shut your mouth,
you stupid bitch.
19
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So, listen, I'm going
to need all your support
20
00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:04,000
To make sure everything
goes smoothly for me.
21
00:01:04,070 --> 00:01:05,870
This could be the best night
of my life,
22
00:01:05,930 --> 00:01:07,470
And I don't want
to have any regrets.
23
00:01:07,540 --> 00:01:09,340
Like when I had the chance
to take ecstasy
24
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:11,040
At the 2003 Tony Awards
and didn't.
25
00:01:11,110 --> 00:01:12,570
I should have,
but I was sitting
26
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:14,570
Next to Alan Cummings,
and I got scared.
27
00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:15,980
Whatever. Hayley,
you're up.
28
00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:17,540
So, I think
I finally figured out
29
00:01:17,610 --> 00:01:19,280
Why you never want
to talk to me.
30
00:01:19,350 --> 00:01:20,610
Next. Somebody
go next.
31
00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:22,550
Dad, you know how I've
been working really hard
32
00:01:22,620 --> 00:01:25,190
With my a cappella group,
here comes treble?
Hmm.
33
00:01:25,250 --> 00:01:28,420
My music teacher selected me
to sing the national anthem
34
00:01:28,490 --> 00:01:31,020
At the Langley Falls
veterans Day celebration!
35
00:01:31,090 --> 00:01:32,630
That's fantastic!
36
00:01:32,690 --> 00:01:35,800
My boy singing the
greatest song ever written
37
00:01:35,860 --> 00:01:39,370
To the greatest men ever
made: American soldiers.
38
00:01:39,430 --> 00:01:40,630
Steve, serenade me.
39
00:01:40,700 --> 00:01:42,000
(clears throat)
40
00:01:42,070 --> 00:01:44,100
(soulfully):
♪ oh-ho, ho ♪
41
00:01:44,170 --> 00:01:46,640
♪ say, can you ♪
42
00:01:46,710 --> 00:01:50,080
♪ see-hee-hee-hee, hee...♪
43
00:01:50,140 --> 00:01:51,650
Steven, what the hell?
44
00:01:51,710 --> 00:01:53,450
Did you just watch
the Wiz or something?
45
00:01:53,510 --> 00:01:55,550
I'm just putting
some personal flavor on it.
46
00:01:55,620 --> 00:01:57,120
Just sing it like
a normal person.
47
00:01:57,180 --> 00:01:59,120
♪ oh, oh, say-- ♪
48
00:01:59,190 --> 00:02:00,350
Okay, got it--
still sucks.
49
00:02:00,420 --> 00:02:01,990
I thought it was great.
50
00:02:02,060 --> 00:02:04,460
Have you been standing
there the whole time?
51
00:02:04,530 --> 00:02:06,160
That's weird.
52
00:02:06,230 --> 00:02:07,830
I had no idea
you were there.
53
00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:12,330
Anyway, Steve,
it's fine,
54
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,900
But not nearly good enough
for the ears of veterans.
55
00:02:14,970 --> 00:02:16,800
Tell you what, I'll take
the next couple days
56
00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:18,910
Off work, and we'll get
that song just right.
57
00:02:18,970 --> 00:02:20,010
Thanks, dad.
58
00:02:20,070 --> 00:02:21,410
I don't want
to mess this up.
59
00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:23,180
No, you really don't.
60
00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:25,910
Now, go upstairs and line
your throat with vaseline.
61
00:02:25,980 --> 00:02:27,380
Makes your voice
come out smoother.
62
00:02:27,450 --> 00:02:29,320
It's an old
Elton John trick.
63
00:02:29,380 --> 00:02:31,180
(whistling joyfully)
64
00:02:33,420 --> 00:02:37,790
(bird twittering tune)
65
00:02:37,860 --> 00:02:41,960
(both whistling tune)
66
00:02:42,030 --> 00:02:43,930
(twittering tune)
67
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:45,070
(gasps and groans)
68
00:02:45,130 --> 00:02:46,530
Annoying!
Both of you.
69
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:47,930
I love your new pet.
70
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:49,240
It's not a pet, silly.
71
00:02:49,300 --> 00:02:50,570
It's my meal for
the big night.
72
00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:51,640
(gasps) Roger!
73
00:02:51,710 --> 00:02:53,740
You can't kill
this sweet bird.
74
00:02:53,810 --> 00:02:55,480
It's an ortolan, Francine--
75
00:02:55,540 --> 00:02:57,410
The ultimate French delicacy.
76
00:02:57,480 --> 00:02:59,780
It's so sinfully decadent
that you eat it
77
00:02:59,850 --> 00:03:02,550
Under a napkin
to hide your sin from God.
78
00:03:02,620 --> 00:03:04,620
And I only trust
you to cook it.
79
00:03:04,690 --> 00:03:05,650
(gasps)
80
00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:06,990
I'm honored.
81
00:03:07,050 --> 00:03:08,090
Here's the recipe.
82
00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:09,660
You actually drown
it in amaretto,
83
00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:11,690
Then save its life
using bird CPR,
84
00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:13,260
Then refill the pot
with cr?me de menthe
85
00:03:13,330 --> 00:03:14,660
And drown it again.
86
00:03:14,730 --> 00:03:16,630
There is something so sweet
about your hair today.
87
00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:17,830
I love it.
88
00:03:17,900 --> 00:03:19,530
Thank you.
89
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:23,370
♪ by the dawn's
early light... ♪
90
00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:25,000
Stop. Take a break.
91
00:03:25,070 --> 00:03:26,870
I got to shake my head
in disappointment
92
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:27,940
For five minutes.
93
00:03:29,540 --> 00:03:31,950
So, Stan, I tried to order
Barbra does Celine
94
00:03:32,010 --> 00:03:33,410
On pay-per-view,
but it was locked.
95
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:34,550
I need the code.
96
00:03:34,620 --> 00:03:35,780
How much is it?
It's priceless,
97
00:03:35,850 --> 00:03:37,620
But to order it,
it's four ninety-nine.
98
00:03:37,690 --> 00:03:40,090
I guess we can add
five more bucks to your tab.
99
00:03:40,150 --> 00:03:41,390
(laughing):
Five dollars?
100
00:03:41,460 --> 00:03:42,760
For Barbra does Celine?
101
00:03:42,820 --> 00:03:43,860
No!
102
00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:45,890
Oh, no, ridiculous.
103
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,060
No, four hundred
and ninety-nine dollars.
104
00:03:48,130 --> 00:03:50,500
Streisand comes expensive
or she doesn't come at all.
105
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:52,030
Forget it!
106
00:03:52,100 --> 00:03:54,100
I wouldn't pay that much
to see Barbra do Celine.
107
00:03:54,170 --> 00:03:55,370
Or would I?
108
00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:57,100
Maybe if I was in the room
with them,
109
00:03:57,170 --> 00:03:58,300
Peeking from behind the curtain,
110
00:03:58,370 --> 00:04:00,070
And they didn't know
I was there.
111
00:04:00,140 --> 00:04:02,110
How would it appear
on my credit card bill?
112
00:04:02,180 --> 00:04:03,410
No, no, Stan, focus.
113
00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:04,640
Here's the deal.
114
00:04:04,710 --> 00:04:06,750
You and I both know
I'm going to get
115
00:04:06,810 --> 00:04:08,980
That pay-per-view code
one way or another,
116
00:04:09,050 --> 00:04:11,320
So you might as well
just give it to me now
117
00:04:11,390 --> 00:04:13,450
And avoid happy hour
at shenanigans.
118
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:15,020
No.
Fine.
119
00:04:15,090 --> 00:04:16,320
Let it begin.
120
00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:18,290
Crab walk!
121
00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:20,090
Should've played ball.
122
00:04:21,630 --> 00:04:24,500
Steve:
♪ the rockets' red glare ♪
123
00:04:24,570 --> 00:04:25,570
No!
124
00:04:25,630 --> 00:04:27,270
I've been in the shower
all night.
125
00:04:27,330 --> 00:04:28,970
Yeah, I don't get it--
I thought people
126
00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:30,600
Were supposed to sing
better in the shower.
127
00:04:30,670 --> 00:04:31,700
I don't know.
128
00:04:31,770 --> 00:04:33,040
Maybe the problem
isn't you.
129
00:04:33,110 --> 00:04:35,880
Maybe... Maybe I'm not
a great vocal coach.
130
00:04:35,940 --> 00:04:37,240
God, could that be?
131
00:04:37,310 --> 00:04:38,850
No, dad, it's me.
132
00:04:38,910 --> 00:04:40,650
I just need
to sing harder.
133
00:04:40,710 --> 00:04:42,080
No, it's more
than that.
134
00:04:42,150 --> 00:04:43,480
There something
missing,
135
00:04:43,550 --> 00:04:46,490
Something empty and soulless
about your performance.
136
00:04:46,550 --> 00:04:47,920
Hmm.
137
00:04:47,990 --> 00:04:49,260
(snaps fingers)
that's it.
138
00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:51,690
See, steve, the national
anthem is about war,
139
00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:53,330
And you'll never
be able to sing it
140
00:04:53,390 --> 00:04:54,890
Until you've
been to war.
141
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:56,330
Can you expand
on that idea?
142
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:57,530
Certainly.
143
00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,070
Take the song,
"love in a elevator."
144
00:04:59,130 --> 00:05:00,370
The reason
it's so good
145
00:05:00,430 --> 00:05:02,040
Is because steven
tyler actually lived
146
00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:03,740
In an elevator the
summer he wrote it.
147
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:05,440
But the song's called
"love in an elevator",
148
00:05:05,510 --> 00:05:06,840
Not "live
in an elevator".
149
00:05:06,910 --> 00:05:09,240
Steve, he's a rock star
living in kick-ass elevator.
150
00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:10,540
You don't think
he's getting laid?
151
00:05:10,610 --> 00:05:12,480
Oh, and it's
summertime.
152
00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:16,620
Some of my
nra buddies
153
00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:18,350
Rent this golf
course once a month.
154
00:05:18,420 --> 00:05:20,190
Since you can't
go to a real war,
155
00:05:20,250 --> 00:05:22,020
A reenactment is the
next best thing.
156
00:05:22,090 --> 00:05:24,660
I've always wanted to go
to a civil war reenactment.
157
00:05:24,730 --> 00:05:26,190
It's not a civil
war reenactment.
158
00:05:26,260 --> 00:05:27,530
Those things are
for historians
159
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:28,830
And people who
hate blacks.
160
00:05:28,900 --> 00:05:31,030
These guys are
hardcore reenactors.
161
00:05:31,100 --> 00:05:32,670
(heavy gunfire)
162
00:05:32,730 --> 00:05:34,570
(explosions and gunfire)
163
00:05:37,370 --> 00:05:38,770
(groans)
164
00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:40,310
Get down!
165
00:05:40,370 --> 00:05:41,310
(explosion)
166
00:05:41,380 --> 00:05:43,080
(screams) where are we?
167
00:05:43,140 --> 00:05:44,880
You in vietnam, bitches!
168
00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,910
We're reenacting
the vietnam war?
169
00:06:14,980 --> 00:06:17,510
This chopper will take
you to base camp.
170
00:06:17,580 --> 00:06:19,180
(man imitating whirring
helicopter blades)
171
00:06:19,250 --> 00:06:20,420
Get in!
172
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:21,750
(continues imitating helicopter)
173
00:06:21,820 --> 00:06:23,650
(gunfire)
174
00:06:25,050 --> 00:06:26,090
(screams)
175
00:06:31,230 --> 00:06:32,790
Platoon, gather round!
176
00:06:34,260 --> 00:06:36,000
The vietcong may be making
their move tonight.
177
00:06:36,070 --> 00:06:37,300
We need a watchman.
178
00:06:37,370 --> 00:06:39,030
Dad.
Steve will do it.
179
00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:41,270
We're counting on
you tonight, steve!
180
00:06:41,340 --> 00:06:43,270
Here, I'll even loan
you my lucky machete.
181
00:06:43,340 --> 00:06:44,670
A permanent marker?
182
00:06:44,740 --> 00:06:46,170
Use it like a knife.
183
00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:50,250
Leave the blade in the sheath
so it doesn't get dull.
184
00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:52,450
Leave the cap on so
it doesn't dry out.
(whispering):
185
00:06:55,750 --> 00:06:58,550
Dad, I don't know if I
can stand watch all night.
186
00:06:58,620 --> 00:07:01,020
You've kept me up for the past
two days practicing singing.
187
00:07:01,090 --> 00:07:03,860
Steve, this is an opportunity
to step up and be a hero.
188
00:07:03,930 --> 00:07:05,160
Then, you'll know
what it takes
189
00:07:05,230 --> 00:07:06,960
To really sing
our national anthem.
190
00:07:07,030 --> 00:07:08,800
Radio me if you
have any problems.
191
00:07:08,870 --> 00:07:10,070
I'll do my best, dad.
192
00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:11,870
I want more
than your best, steve.
193
00:07:11,930 --> 00:07:14,970
For once, I want you
to do fine.
194
00:07:17,140 --> 00:07:21,880
(fading):
♪ by the dawn's early light... ♪
195
00:07:21,940 --> 00:07:25,250
(louder):
♪ what so proudly... ♪
196
00:07:25,310 --> 00:07:26,310
(crickets chirping)
197
00:07:27,820 --> 00:07:29,650
(piercing scream)
198
00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:35,990
(sporadic gunfire,
men screaming)
199
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:43,770
(sobbing)
200
00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:45,770
(yelling)
201
00:07:46,740 --> 00:07:48,140
Steve, what happened?!
202
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:50,270
Man, what a letdown.
203
00:07:51,670 --> 00:07:54,140
You'll be killed if you go
into that jungle, man!
204
00:07:54,210 --> 00:07:56,580
Hey, my hand on fire?
205
00:07:56,650 --> 00:07:58,150
What? N-no.
206
00:07:58,210 --> 00:08:00,220
Good, then it's the acid.
207
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,850
This seemed like the perfect
time to do acid.
208
00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:03,950
Dead.
209
00:08:04,020 --> 00:08:05,450
Everyone's dead!
210
00:08:07,190 --> 00:08:09,860
Their spirits are dancing
all around us
211
00:08:09,930 --> 00:08:12,130
Poppin' and lockin', mostly!
212
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,430
Everyone calm down!
213
00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:16,530
I have been in
two war reenactments,
214
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:19,300
And you men will be safe
if you stick with me.
215
00:08:19,370 --> 00:08:21,550
(screaming)
216
00:08:22,900 --> 00:08:23,700
No!
217
00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:24,740
We gotta get out of here, man.
218
00:08:24,740 --> 00:08:28,740
Let's just go to the snackstop
and get some real cheese, man.
219
00:08:28,740 --> 00:08:30,740
No, we have to save my dad.
220
00:08:30,810 --> 00:08:32,070
I let him down.
221
00:08:32,140 --> 00:08:33,670
Dad, can you hear me?
222
00:08:33,740 --> 00:08:36,180
Steve, it's dark and wet.
223
00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:37,650
There's golf carts.
224
00:08:37,710 --> 00:08:39,110
You have to save...
225
00:08:39,180 --> 00:08:41,150
(man speaking
fake vietnamese)
226
00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:44,590
Sounds like he's in a
holding cell at nangangbang.
227
00:08:44,650 --> 00:08:47,490
The caddy shack.
228
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,720
Then that's where
we're headed.
229
00:08:49,790 --> 00:08:51,860
Woman:
Excuse me!
230
00:08:51,930 --> 00:08:55,060
Do you know where the
horizon room is?
231
00:08:55,130 --> 00:08:58,030
We don't know; we're
from baltimore.
232
00:08:58,100 --> 00:09:00,070
Thank you.
233
00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:03,400
Marty! It's this way!
234
00:09:03,470 --> 00:09:06,470
The man told me
it's this way!
235
00:09:06,540 --> 00:09:08,940
You're going
the wrong way!
236
00:09:09,010 --> 00:09:10,980
Man: I heard you
the first time!
237
00:09:12,710 --> 00:09:14,520
(speaking vietnamese)
238
00:09:17,150 --> 00:09:18,750
(speaking vietnamese)
239
00:09:20,660 --> 00:09:22,460
Roger, let me go.
240
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:23,660
(door creaking)
241
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,660
You give me code now! Now!
242
00:09:25,730 --> 00:09:27,930
Now! Now! Now! Now! Now!
243
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,460
Codey now, now!
244
00:09:29,530 --> 00:09:30,930
Now, now, now!
245
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,770
(mimics three stooges):
Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh!
246
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,940
Eh, wise guy, huh?
247
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:37,610
Roger, stop!
248
00:09:37,670 --> 00:09:39,410
I'm never going to give you
that pay-per-view code.
249
00:09:39,470 --> 00:09:41,210
We see...
250
00:09:43,210 --> 00:09:45,150
This is michael patrick king's
251
00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:47,380
First draft of the
sex and the city movie.
252
00:09:47,450 --> 00:09:49,550
It's 700 pages.
253
00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:53,190
(clears throat)
254
00:09:53,250 --> 00:09:56,090
"you guys know that young
firefighter I did last night?
255
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:59,330
"well, his hose spattered all
over my european mosaic floor
256
00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:00,790
"and I slipped in it.
257
00:10:00,860 --> 00:10:02,030
"but it's okay, girls,
258
00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:03,560
"because I landed
square on the rabbit
259
00:10:03,630 --> 00:10:05,700
"and found out, what's up, doc?
260
00:10:05,770 --> 00:10:07,300
"carrie vo:
261
00:10:07,370 --> 00:10:09,440
"samantha's story
made me wonder:
262
00:10:09,500 --> 00:10:13,010
"if I slipped, would big
be there to catch me?"
263
00:10:13,070 --> 00:10:15,110
(screaming)
264
00:10:15,180 --> 00:10:17,210
Steve:
It was just
the three of us now.
265
00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:21,280
We were headed up fanangong
river towards gobbley goo bay.
266
00:10:21,350 --> 00:10:25,450
But to get there, we'd have
to go through the 13th fairway.
267
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:28,520
Freshly fertilized,
we were in the poo.
268
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:32,560
Soldier:
Pine cones are grenades!
269
00:10:33,930 --> 00:10:36,030
(screaming)
270
00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:37,230
Crap.
271
00:10:37,300 --> 00:10:39,470
Boom!
(yelling, groaning)
272
00:10:39,530 --> 00:10:40,730
My legs!
273
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,540
It blew off my damn legs!
274
00:10:43,610 --> 00:10:45,010
You can make it, buckle!
275
00:10:45,070 --> 00:10:46,870
No, I's done.
276
00:10:46,940 --> 00:10:48,210
Take me out.
277
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:49,510
I-I can't!
278
00:10:49,580 --> 00:10:52,550
Take the shot!
279
00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:53,710
Not the face!
280
00:10:53,780 --> 00:10:56,480
Oh, my god, that hurt!
281
00:10:56,550 --> 00:11:00,320
Ow! Ow!
282
00:11:00,390 --> 00:11:02,690
Oh, no, it still hurts!
283
00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:04,220
What were we doing here?
284
00:11:04,290 --> 00:11:07,800
Was it worth it
just to become better singers?
285
00:11:07,860 --> 00:11:09,260
The only thing
that made sense anymore
286
00:11:09,330 --> 00:11:12,970
Was my mission: Save dad.
287
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,940
And I was alone.
288
00:11:19,540 --> 00:11:20,870
In hell.
289
00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:31,020
Damn it!
Stan gave me a fake code!
290
00:11:31,090 --> 00:11:33,120
Well, good thing
I still have him tied up.
291
00:11:33,190 --> 00:11:36,290
And you know I still have
my funny hat and shirt.
292
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:37,620
I know the code.
293
00:11:37,690 --> 00:11:38,890
You will give it to me!
294
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,690
I will, for the bird.
295
00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:41,930
I want it set free.
296
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,300
Fine!
297
00:11:44,630 --> 00:11:45,800
(bird chirping)
298
00:11:45,870 --> 00:11:47,030
You got what you want.
299
00:11:47,100 --> 00:11:48,200
Now give me that code.
300
00:11:48,270 --> 00:11:49,540
4812.
301
00:11:51,270 --> 00:11:52,710
4812?!
302
00:11:52,770 --> 00:11:55,080
Wait, he used my pant size?
303
00:11:55,140 --> 00:11:56,810
Ugh, I'm disgusting.
304
00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:00,680
Sorry, hayley, roger tricked me.
305
00:12:00,750 --> 00:12:03,020
He said he was gonna
dress me up as. Mr. Wendal
306
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,050
From the
arrested development song.
307
00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:06,520
Give me the
real bird, roger.
308
00:12:06,590 --> 00:12:07,860
Where is it?
309
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:17,330
(bird chirping)
310
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,130
(francine singing, bird chirping)
311
00:12:20,270 --> 00:12:21,600
Don't!
312
00:12:44,590 --> 00:12:46,430
(hissing)
313
00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:50,200
(yelling)
314
00:12:52,930 --> 00:12:55,340
(yelling, groaning)
315
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:56,570
(both coughing)
316
00:12:56,640 --> 00:12:58,010
(yelling)
317
00:12:58,070 --> 00:13:01,580
Your chin is right
on my hipbone, kevin.
318
00:13:04,550 --> 00:13:07,180
Please, give me some rice.
319
00:13:07,250 --> 00:13:08,720
I'll do anything.
320
00:13:08,780 --> 00:13:11,750
I'll make you feel good.
321
00:13:12,950 --> 00:13:14,690
Steve, you did it!
322
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:15,990
You saved me.
323
00:13:16,060 --> 00:13:16,920
I'm so proud of you!
324
00:13:21,830 --> 00:13:25,000
(mimics whirring
helicopter blades)
325
00:13:25,070 --> 00:13:28,040
(melancholic tune plays)
326
00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:37,210
(cell phone ringing)
327
00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:39,110
(whispering):
I'll call you back.
328
00:13:41,020 --> 00:13:42,250
You should have seen him.
329
00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:44,180
My boy, the war hero.
330
00:13:44,250 --> 00:13:45,950
Steve's gonna sing
the crap out of that
331
00:13:46,020 --> 00:13:47,590
National anthem now,
aren't you, steve?
332
00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:52,430
Did you have fun at the
reenactment, honey?
333
00:13:52,490 --> 00:13:55,900
That's right, real war heroes
don't need to talk about it.
334
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,970
The same way I don't
talk about all the "tang"
335
00:13:58,030 --> 00:14:01,000
I got in college,
out of respect for my wife.
336
00:14:01,070 --> 00:14:02,770
Tons.
337
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:06,940
Now, folks, we have
a very special
338
00:14:07,010 --> 00:14:08,840
Young man here tonight
who has the voice an angel.
339
00:14:08,910 --> 00:14:11,750
Let's hope
it's not the hell's angels!
340
00:14:11,810 --> 00:14:13,050
(laughter, cymbal clashes)
341
00:14:13,110 --> 00:14:14,410
Please welcome,
342
00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:17,120
To sing our national anthem,
steve smith!
343
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:19,950
(applause)
344
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:22,860
(clears throat)
345
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:24,420
♪ oh, say... ♪
346
00:14:24,490 --> 00:14:26,230
(fireworks popping)
347
00:14:26,290 --> 00:14:27,530
Fuh-fuh, fuh-fuh,
fuh-fuh, fuh-fuh.
348
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,000
Fuh-fuh, fuh-fuh, fuh-fuh,
fuh-uh.
349
00:14:30,530 --> 00:14:31,900
No, you didn't!
Yes, I did!
350
00:14:31,970 --> 00:14:33,170
You're totally,
dead, bob.
351
00:14:33,230 --> 00:14:35,470
It's just us.
Just let me keep playing.
352
00:14:35,540 --> 00:14:37,300
(rockets whistling)
vietcong! Vietcong!
353
00:14:37,370 --> 00:14:38,770
(screaming)
354
00:14:40,510 --> 00:14:41,610
Cong!
355
00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:42,710
(imitates rapid gunfire)
356
00:14:42,780 --> 00:14:43,740
(imitates
gunfire)
357
00:14:43,810 --> 00:14:45,650
(fireworks pop and squeal)
358
00:14:48,350 --> 00:14:50,020
Say, can you see?
359
00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:51,290
I-I can't see 'em.
360
00:14:51,350 --> 00:14:52,750
They're in the trees.
361
00:14:52,820 --> 00:14:54,090
Steve, snap
out of it.
362
00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:56,190
Mr. Smith, can I speak
to you in the hallway?
363
00:14:58,430 --> 00:15:00,790
Your son appears to
be suffering from ptsd,
364
00:15:00,860 --> 00:15:02,430
Posttraumatic
stress disorder.
365
00:15:02,500 --> 00:15:03,860
But doctor, that's impossible.
366
00:15:03,930 --> 00:15:05,430
He was only in a reenactment.
367
00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:06,570
Oh.
368
00:15:06,630 --> 00:15:08,670
Then it must be ptwrsd,
369
00:15:08,740 --> 00:15:10,940
Posttraumatic
war reenactment stress disorder.
370
00:15:11,010 --> 00:15:12,240
Is that a thing?
371
00:15:12,310 --> 00:15:13,410
I've never
heard of it.
372
00:15:13,470 --> 00:15:14,880
I'd like keep him
here for treatment.
373
00:15:14,940 --> 00:15:16,640
He could be a danger
to himself or others.
374
00:15:16,710 --> 00:15:18,480
Nonsense!
375
00:15:18,550 --> 00:15:19,980
Steve?!
376
00:15:20,050 --> 00:15:21,550
Where'd he go?
377
00:15:21,620 --> 00:15:23,080
When I was out there,
378
00:15:23,150 --> 00:15:25,120
All I wanted to do
was come home.
379
00:15:25,190 --> 00:15:26,420
But now that I'm home,
380
00:15:26,490 --> 00:15:28,460
All I can think about
is getting back there.
381
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:30,060
The golf course.
382
00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:32,830
Things made more sense
out there.
383
00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:35,460
Here sometimes
someone claims they're a friend,
384
00:15:35,530 --> 00:15:37,460
But they're really
just an acquaintance.
385
00:15:37,530 --> 00:15:40,330
And then, some friends
are really enemies.
386
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:43,140
I came up
with the word "frenemy."
387
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:46,510
John,
388
00:15:46,570 --> 00:15:48,040
How did you open the curtain?
389
00:15:50,380 --> 00:15:52,410
Tell me how you
opened the curtain.
390
00:15:53,750 --> 00:15:54,310
John!
391
00:15:55,850 --> 00:15:57,180
(grunts)
392
00:15:57,250 --> 00:15:59,090
...Will be right back.
393
00:16:09,110 --> 00:16:10,440
Hey, there.
394
00:16:10,510 --> 00:16:12,270
The war reenactment
was yesterday.
395
00:16:12,340 --> 00:16:13,080
It's over.
396
00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:14,140
For you, maybe.
397
00:16:14,210 --> 00:16:15,580
Where're you headed?
398
00:16:15,650 --> 00:16:17,950
Just gonna get a grilled
cheese at the snack stop.
399
00:16:18,010 --> 00:16:19,850
I had a friend that
wanted one once.
400
00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:21,480
But he's gone now.
401
00:16:21,550 --> 00:16:23,220
To tucson.
402
00:16:23,290 --> 00:16:24,620
On business.
403
00:16:24,690 --> 00:16:27,390
Won't be back till Wednesday.
404
00:16:27,460 --> 00:16:29,790
I know a place down the road
with a great grilled cheese.
405
00:16:29,860 --> 00:16:30,960
Come on, I'll drive you.
406
00:16:31,030 --> 00:16:31,630
No, thanks.
407
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:34,430
(golf cart chirps)
408
00:16:34,500 --> 00:16:36,030
I'm not looking for trouble.
409
00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:38,230
Get off the fairway, you turd!
410
00:16:38,300 --> 00:16:40,000
This is the thanks I get.
411
00:16:40,070 --> 00:16:41,640
A hero's welcome.
412
00:16:51,980 --> 00:16:54,520
(gunfire)
413
00:16:54,580 --> 00:16:56,420
(explosion)
414
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:03,860
We were kids, man.
415
00:17:03,930 --> 00:17:05,560
Buckle couldn't
find his legs.
416
00:17:05,630 --> 00:17:08,260
We were gonna go cruising
when we got home.
417
00:17:08,330 --> 00:17:11,630
We were gonna go cruising
in his solara, man.
418
00:17:11,700 --> 00:17:13,540
Roger:
♪ getting ready
for the best night ♪
419
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,200
♪ the best night
of my life ♪
420
00:17:15,270 --> 00:17:16,840
♪ everything's gonna
be just right ♪
421
00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:19,270
♪ putting on a robe that's warm
but light-- squirt, squirt ♪
422
00:17:19,340 --> 00:17:21,280
♪ best, best, glug, glug,
best, best ♪
423
00:17:21,340 --> 00:17:23,680
♪ get ready,
my tummy is your nest ♪
424
00:17:23,750 --> 00:17:25,580
♪ 'cause I'm stepping
in the best ♪
425
00:17:25,650 --> 00:17:27,380
Ah! Best.
426
00:17:28,750 --> 00:17:31,250
(applause on tv)
427
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:33,260
Thank you so much.
428
00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:34,660
Shut up.
429
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,060
(applause stops)
430
00:17:36,130 --> 00:17:38,330
You know, celine dion is
in the audience tonight.
431
00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:39,460
(applause)
432
00:17:39,530 --> 00:17:41,600
She's fabulous.
433
00:17:41,660 --> 00:17:43,800
But I'm better. Here we go.
434
00:17:43,870 --> 00:17:48,240
♪ you were my strength
when I was weak ♪
435
00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:51,570
♪ you were my voice
when I couldn't speak ♪
436
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:52,810
(gong sounds)
437
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:54,240
♪ you were my... ♪
438
00:17:54,310 --> 00:17:57,080
(sustained note,
distorted into howl)
439
00:18:15,730 --> 00:18:18,170
Streisand:
Thank you. Good night!
440
00:18:21,570 --> 00:18:24,240
So, how'd the big night
turn out?
441
00:18:24,310 --> 00:18:26,070
It was...
442
00:18:26,140 --> 00:18:28,540
There's no word
to describe it.
443
00:18:28,610 --> 00:18:30,450
Schmooblydong?
444
00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:31,950
That's not it,
but it's close.
445
00:18:32,010 --> 00:18:34,820
Let-let me try and put it
in terms you can understand.
446
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,420
Imagine being high
at a rusted root concert
447
00:18:37,490 --> 00:18:40,060
While two dudes take you on
in a sun-baked porta-john.
448
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:41,560
Wow.
449
00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:43,760
That actually does
sound really good.
450
00:18:43,830 --> 00:18:46,030
Yeah. I'd like that, too.
451
00:18:49,930 --> 00:18:51,470
You're the
boy's father?
452
00:18:51,530 --> 00:18:54,170
Listen, guy, no one can get in
or out of here
453
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:56,300
Because of that crazy kid,
and we need carts.
454
00:18:56,370 --> 00:18:58,870
That boy is a remorseless
reenactment machine.
455
00:18:58,940 --> 00:19:01,040
I know. I made him.
456
00:19:01,110 --> 00:19:03,650
And I'm the only one
who can get him out.
457
00:19:03,710 --> 00:19:05,410
Stinkfinger, this is
colonel muffdog.
458
00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:06,550
Do you copy? Over.
459
00:19:06,620 --> 00:19:07,820
(static, chirp)
460
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,050
Do you copy?
(static)
461
00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:10,620
Steve:
This is stinkfinger, sir.
462
00:19:10,690 --> 00:19:12,050
They're all dead.
463
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:13,520
I'm the last one.
464
00:19:13,590 --> 00:19:15,290
Your mission is complete.
465
00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:16,690
Return to base.
466
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:18,030
I can't do that, sir.
467
00:19:18,090 --> 00:19:19,590
I'm not good enough yet.
468
00:19:19,660 --> 00:19:20,900
Good enough at what, soldier?
469
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:21,860
I can do better.
470
00:19:21,930 --> 00:19:23,770
That's why I came here.
471
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:26,600
It's the only place
you were ever proud of me, sir.
472
00:19:26,670 --> 00:19:29,400
It wasn't the war.
473
00:19:29,470 --> 00:19:31,210
I'm going in.
474
00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:38,050
Stay back!
475
00:19:38,110 --> 00:19:39,480
Easy, stinkfinger. Easy.
476
00:19:39,550 --> 00:19:41,820
It wasn't the war
that made you this way.
477
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:43,080
Wh-what do you mean?
478
00:19:43,150 --> 00:19:44,750
Oh, steve, it was me!
479
00:19:44,820 --> 00:19:47,660
I pushed you too hard,
put too much pressure on you.
480
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,820
But I only did it
because I love you
481
00:19:49,890 --> 00:19:51,460
And want you to succeed!
482
00:19:51,530 --> 00:19:53,500
But you don't need
to be pushed,
483
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,330
'cause you're doing great
on your own.
484
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,230
(crying)
485
00:20:00,170 --> 00:20:03,910
I did to you
what america did to vietnam.
486
00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:05,740
I tried to control you.
487
00:20:05,810 --> 00:20:07,380
But no longer.
488
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,480
I'm pulling out of you, steve.
489
00:20:09,550 --> 00:20:11,150
I'm pulling out.
490
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,420
I'm sorry if I hurt you, son.
491
00:20:22,660 --> 00:20:24,830
(fireworks pop)
492
00:20:26,260 --> 00:20:28,230
The celebration's
still going on.
493
00:20:28,300 --> 00:20:30,100
You know, you
could still sing.
494
00:20:30,170 --> 00:20:31,670
Am I good enough now?
495
00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:33,440
You were always
good enough, Steve.
496
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:36,100
I don't know where this low
self-esteem is coming from,
497
00:20:36,170 --> 00:20:38,140
But you need to start
believing in yourself.
498
00:20:38,210 --> 00:20:40,180
So go out there and sing.
499
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:43,310
And any way you do it,
I'm gonna love it.
500
00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:54,690
♪ oh, say ♪
501
00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:58,130
♪ can you see,
by the dawn's early light? ♪
502
00:20:58,190 --> 00:21:01,500
♪girl, I'm gonna rock you
in freedom town tonight ♪
503
00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:04,630
That's my...
Neighbor son.
504
00:21:04,700 --> 00:21:06,100
♪ you know
you never felt so good ♪
505
00:21:06,170 --> 00:21:07,840
♪ no, you never
felt so right ♪
506
00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:10,810
♪ ooh, rockets bursting
in the air! ♪
507
00:21:18,940 --> 00:21:20,410
Where is he?
508
00:21:20,510 --> 00:21:22,300
I don't know. What's going on?
509
00:21:22,410 --> 00:21:25,400
John Q. Mind was the best soldier
in America.
510
00:21:25,510 --> 00:21:27,280
Until his arms and legs got blown off?
511
00:21:27,380 --> 00:21:29,780
Not blown off, blown in...
512
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:31,820
to his mind.
513
00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:36,080
I hope that mind of yours runs as fast
as your legs, now that they're in it.
514
00:21:36,190 --> 00:21:38,160
Because I'm coming for you, John.
515
00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:46,360
I... am... coming for you.
516
00:21:46,470 --> 00:21:48,370
Bye! Have a beautiful time.