- Evening, Niles. - Frasier. Everybody ready?
Just about.
Oh, new cufflinks. Those are very smart.
Yes, well, you've seen these before, haven't you?
- I always wear them with a tux. - Of course.
Well, still, nothing catches the eye like a sharp pair of cufflinks.
So those are very nice too.
- Oh, these. - Gold.
I knew you'd wear silver. I didn't want us to look alike.
No.
- Hello. - Oh, hi, Roz.
- Hi. - Come on in.
- Sorry I'm late. - Well, that's all right.
- Hey, Roz. - Daphne.
Thank you so much for watching Alice.
She's way overdue for her nap. Maybe I can get her to sleep.
Great. We'll set her up in my room. Don't wanna be late for that auction.
You know, I can't believe that you donated another day
behind the scenes of the Frasier Crane Show this year.
Well, why not, Roz? It's for a good cause.
The Kelly Ann Grunther Foundation does excellent work.
You weren't trapped in my booth
with that mouth-breather for three hours last year.
Well, he wasn't that bad. Some sort of an engineer, wasn't he?
Well, he wasn't a dental hygienist, that's for sure.
Daphne, can you help me with these cufflinks?
Oh, all right.
- What is this, Daphne? - I'm chatting online with Donny.
Oh, what's he saying?
"I can't wait to come home and see my wittle Engwish cwumpet."
Apparently, he has some sort of typing impediment.
I don't want him to think I've abandoned him.
Would you mind taking over?
Tell him I miss him too.
All right.
And I'm counting the days till he comes home.
And there's no one I love more than my fuzzy-wuzzy...
Goodbye.
I'm sorry. I seem to have lost him.
- Oh, maybe I can get him back. - Thank you.
Well, there we are. Alice is all squared away.
She went right to sleep. Shall we?
Have a good time. Don't spend too much.
Oh, don't worry about that.
I've got a whole system worked out
where I can get anything I want for the minimum bid.
That's hardly in keeping the spirit of the evening.
We're raising money for the Kelly Ann Grunther Foundation.
Baloney, you just wanna go there so you can hobnob with all your friends.
- That is not true. - Oh, yeah?
Well, then answer me one question, just who is Kelly Ann Grunther?
Kelly Ann Grunther is the person
responsible for the Kelly Ann Grunther Foundation.
Yes, but what does that mean?
She's a very wealthy person that put up a lot of money, right?
I thought she had some kind of disease.
I thought she was a scientist doing research.
In other words, it could've been called
the Eddie Eddieman Foundation as long as there was fancy food
on silver platters.
Do you see anything exciting to bid on?
Well, no, it's mostly the same items as last year.
"A day of beauty with internationally known stylist Raphael."
Yes, I see Missy Cromwell put down for that.
Well, can you blame her?
Her last day of beauty was during the Johnson administration.
Actually, Niles, this is rather interesting.
"The Laureate Luncheon.
Break bread with three Nobel Prize winners,
Doctors Alan Zafrin, Jane Randall, and Terence Quinn."
Oh, my.
It's an opportunity to meet with three of the greatest thinkers of our time.
I'm amazed they even got them all in the same room together.
Zafrin is a legendary recluse.
Yes, he'll be at Fiddlestix tomorrow at noon.
- I'll try that. - Good luck to you, Niles.
- Thank you. - They say Quinn is quite witty.
In nuclear physics circles, he's referred to as the half-life of the party.
Well, what do we have at this table?
Oh, the Windsor Monarch 2000, huh?
Isn't this the one they had to recall
because the propane tanks kept exploding?
- They did? - Yeah.
I sure feel sorry for this guy, Martin Crane.
Better get himself an apron that says "kiss the chef good-bye."
Are you bidding on this one too?
No, no, I'm Roz Doyle, Frasier Crane's producer.
If you win this, you'll be spending the afternoon with me.
Well, I hope I do. I'm a big fan of the show.
Hello there.
Hi, Noel. What are you doing here?
I came to bid on my favourite auction item.
I should warn you, lady luck is on my side tonight.
The last guy who rented this tux
left a perfectly good comb in the pocket.
- May I? - Oh, gosh.
Oh, there's no pen. I'm sorry, Noel.
No problemo.
I wear one around my neck.
- Oh, damn. - What is it?
It looks like I have some competition for this luncheon.
An Alistair Mowbray doubled my bid to $500.
I've heard that name before.
Yes, you know, it sounds familiar to me too.
Wait a minute, isn't he that young, ruthless software tycoon?
- Oh, great. - Yeah.
There's no use competing against those deep pockets.
But this vase here deserves a second look.
Yes, but wait a minute.
Mowbray?
Wasn't that the nom de plume you used in prep school
for your society column?
What a remarkable coincidence.
You were secretly trying to outbid me.
All right. I thought if you were bidding against a stranger, you'd go so high,
but if it was me, then your childish competitiveness would kick in.
Well, that is nonsense. Give me the pen.
No, no, I'm saving you from yourself.
- Give me that. - I will not.
In the name of Kelly Ann Grunther and everything she stands for...
- She can't stand. - How do you know?
I asked.
I can't believe I'm bidding this much.
Don't worry. We're gonna have so much fun.
It'll be so great being in that booth together, Roz.
No need to get me extra headphones.
I'll just share yours.
We are coming up on the final minute of tonight's auction.
No bids will be accepted after the whistle blow.
Listen, Jody, can I talk to you?
I'd love to bid more, but I'm really at my limit.
I really want you to win this. I really think we would hit it off.
Oh, you too, huh?
I thought I sensed a little spark between us, Roz.
A spark?
Maybe after the show we could get a drink or have some dinner?
You like Italian?
Well, I think it's time to separate the men from the boys.
You will never top this bid.
You're right, Niles. I won't top it.
I will double it.
Then I'd like to see the look on your face when I double your bid.
What?
You didn't double it. You just added $50 to it.
Yes!
The geniuses are mine.
Well, there certainly was some spirited bidding
over this luncheon, wasn't there?
My goodness.
Four thousand, 50 dollars.
What have I done?
You've let your competitiveness get the better of you. It serves you right.
Due to the overwhelming interest in this luncheon,
I propose adding another place to the table.
That is, if we can convince our runner-up, Dr. Frasier Crane,
to match his brother's generous bid.
What do you say, Dr. Crane?
All right.
Dear God, we've just spent $8000 for a lunch.
Frasier, just try to remember it's for a very worthy cause.
Thanks to the Doctors Crane,
there will be a lot fewer homeless cats on the streets of Seattle next year.
- Hey, Daph. - Hey.
- Have a good time at the auction? - Oh, yeah.
I got a great new barbecue, Windsor Monarch 2000.
I wonder if they named it that because that's the one the royal family uses.
Oh, I'm sure it is.
That's actually the new postage stamp in England.
Her Majesty with a pair of barbecue tongs and a sauce brush.
Yes, well, at least Dad didn't have to go into debt for his purchase.
Oh, yes. Roz told me about your lunch with the geniuses.
- What? Roz beat us back here? - Yeah, she was trying to ditch Noel.
Apparently, he's not allowed onto the highway with his moped.
Frasier, do you ever wonder why we do all this competition?
Where did it even start?
Well, that's a good question, Niles.
Well, think back.
What is the first thing you can remember us competing over?
Have to be Mom.
We were always jockeying for her time and attention.
Yes, well, it was a lot more difficult for me, actually.
- You being her favourite. - What?
You were the favourite.
Oh, don't be ridiculous, Niles. She adored you.
Don't you remember the time that you lost your tricycle?
She actually took mine away from me, gave it to you.
That was for your own good.
No 8-year-old should be riding a tricycle.
I had a chronic ear infection that affected my balance.
Mom worshipped the ground you walked on.
Remember when we brought those bowls home from pottery class,
she used yours for cranberry sauce at Thanksgiving and mine as a dog dish.
What did you expect her to do? You painted a little dog right on it.
That was a turkey.
Well, isn't this ironic?
If both of us thinks the other one was the favourite
then neither of us was.
Oh, so all our competition was pointless.
Oh, I wish we'd talked about this years ago.
Oh, Lord, yes.
The angst we could have spared ourselves.
Do you remember those IQ tests that we took?
- I was sick waiting for the results. - Which we never found out, of course.
Mom refused to tell us anything except that we were two points apart.
- I knew you had the higher score. - I was convinced you did.
Well,
Mom was certainly right not to tell us.
Yes, she certainly was.
She knew back then that we were both too childish
and competitive to handle it.
You know what would be a sign of real growth, Niles?
To find out those scores right now?
Exactly. How often in life are you afforded an opportunity
to discover really how much you've evolved?
Exactly. Dad?
Do you know what our IQs are?
No, but I got a pretty good idea at that auction tonight.
No, Dad, the IQ tests that we took when we were children.
- Would you have saved those? - Sure.
Your mother and I saved all that stuff, report cards, finger paintings, poems.
It's in an old Ballantine's box in my closet.
Oh, Dad, why don't you just admit it?
You're more of a sentimentalist than you let on.
Yeah, I guess I am.
That was the first case of beer
your mother and I ever bought together.
I still can't get over how much they spent at that auction.
Oh, they've always tried to one-up each other.
Yeah, I suppose all brothers are like that.
Mine certainly were. Everything was a contest.
Who could run the fastest, jump the highest.
They even had this strange one where they'd take little brother Michael,
put him in a potato sack and see who could bowl him the farthest
over the frozen lake out back.
Oh, they loved that game.
Until that year the spring thaw set in early,
and poor Michael went right through the ice.
Oh, they caught hell for that one, they did.
Caught it worse a week later when Michael's toe finally fell off.
Michael cried and cried,
till they told him to put it under his pillow for the Toe Fairy.
Then when he got five quid for it, why,
it was all they could do to stop him from sawing off the rest of them.
God, what's keeping you guys with that box?
Here it is, Dad.
Gosh, this is a virtual treasure trove of memorabilia.
Can't believe what's in this. Choir ribbons, Most Improved Badminton.
- Oh, yes. - The tap dance certificate.
Yeah, I remember going through that box with your mother.
She always knew just what to say to cheer me up.
"So what if the trophy says 'Baking' instead of 'Baseball', Marty.
Catcher's mitts or oven mitts, they're our little champions."
Now, wait, this is report cards. This might be something.
Well, here they are.
Congratulations, Frasier. One twenty-nine.
Is that good?
Oh, good? It's practically genius. Bravo, Frasier.
Listen up, Niles, now.
Where are you? Higher or lower?
I don't see mine yet. I am...
...higher.
Well, congratulations. I doff my hat to you, Mr. 131.
Higher.
What do you mean, higher? Mom told us we were two points apart.
Well, apparently, Mom was being tactful.
How tactful?
- Well... - Give me that!
One fifty-six. My God, that's...
- Twenty-seven points. - Yes, I know!
I never should have told you guys about the box.
No, no, Dad, I'm fine with this.
The entire point of this exercise was to prove
that Niles and I have moved beyond our competitiveness.
And we have. I'm very proud of my little brother.
Thank you. Thank you.
And I am proud of how mature you are being about all of this.
In fact, if there were a test for maturity, I think your score would be much...
Niles, that's enough.
You know what? I suggest that we go ahead and call it a night, Niles.
We want to be nice and refreshed for our meeting
with the three geniuses tomorrow.
Or in my case, the four geniuses.
Oh, now, you, well...
Good night, Dad. Well, I'll meet you at the restaurant.
- Oh, good night, Niles. - Yeah, okay.
- Sleep tight. - You too.
Daphne, is that university library open all night?
I think so. Why do you ask?
Do you think I'd let my little brother humiliate me?
- What the hell are you talking about? - Dad, he is smarter than I am.
Niles will be sitting there rambling on with the geniuses about the cosmos,
black holes, matter, anti-matter, and I won't matter at all.
I'm going to have to make myself a nice thermos full of coffee
and get down to that library.
Frasier, what do you think you're gonna learn in one night?
Just enough to ask some informed questions, Dad.
I may not have a 156 IQ, but I am a quick study.
Daphne, is there something wrong with this coffee pot?
You have to plug it in.
Well, there. You won't have to tell me that again.
Hello, Niles.
Frasier. Sleep well last night?
Oh, yes. Like a baby.
Like a baby with library privileges.
I know what you did.
How?
The way you rushed me out of there last night.
I sensed something was up so I waited in my car,
and sure enough, ten minutes later you tore out of your garage.
Oh, Niles, I'm so sorry. It's just that...
No, no, no, I don't wanna hear any more of your facile excuses.
- Excuse me. - Gesundheit.
I'm sorry, I think your competitiveness has sunk to a new low.
Please, I'm ashamed of you.
Please, I'm terribly sorry.
It's just I was so insecure about even coming to this luncheon at all.
Wait a minute.
You just scratched your ear.
You were at the library too.
I most certainly was not.
The only thing that makes you sneeze and scratch your ear
is your parchment-mite allergy!
So that was you sneezing from behind the stacks all night.
Oh, I had to go.
I knew you'd be racing through those scientific journals faster
than a proton in a particle accelerator.
Oh, stop showing off.
Speaking of accelerating particles, do something about that sneezing.
I took some of these before, but they're not as strong as I thought.
I'm going to take a couple more.
Niles, why don't you just go home and go to bed?
Oh, that is exactly what you'd like for me to be happening.
What did you just say?
Well, you didn't repeat it the first time, I'm not gonna listen to it.
Niles, that medication, it's affecting your speech.
You've just taken a second dose of it.
You're gonna make a fool out of yourself.
Well, you should talk.
Look at your shaking hands and your twitchy eyes.
You were up all night drinking coffee all last night, weren't you?
I am not twitching. You will not psych me into twitching.
Gentlemen, may I offer you a...?
- Sir, is your eye bothering you? - No, no, it's fine.
Can I get you something to drink?
No, thank you. Well, yes, some coffee. Decaf.
I'd like a cup of tea sounds nice.
- Very good. - You know what, Niles?
You really should leave. You're embarrassing yourself.
For God's sakes.
I'm never leaving while you're still not leaving.
You know you had the good bed.
Well, now, you're just hallucinating.
No, when we moved to Wallace Lane,
and we shared a room and you got to pick
where you would be having your sleeping.
Niles, the beds were identical.
Why am I even bothering to explain this
to a man who has his elbow in the butter?
Well, who is hallucinationing now?
Niles, have you ever taken these pills before?
No, but they fixed my nose.
No, I just wish they wouldn't make me so hyper.
Yes. Oh, good Lord!
For God's sakes, you spilled water all over me, you jackass.
- Here, just give me another napkin. - Oh, napkin.
- Give me, give me, give me that! - Napkin, napkin, napkin.
- Oh, Niles, wake up, wake up. - Excuse me.
Oh, Dr. Zafrin.
Goodness, this is quite an honour.
Here, allow me.
Allow me to introduce Dr. Niles Crane.
Well, Niles, I'm surprised to see you up so soon.
You feel all right?
I feel not bad. A little dry.
When I blink, it makes a scratching noise.
Well, here.
Let me get you a little water here.
- Well, thank you. - Here we are.
So how long did we last at the lunch?
Well, not too long.
Nine thousand dollars doesn't buy you the leisurely lunch it used to.
Wait a minute. I thought it was 8000.
No, no, no, you knocked over the aquarium on the way out.
You know, if ever I feel envy about your IQ again,
I'll just conjure up the image of you sprawled out on a bed of live koi,
weeping and desperately trying to revive that little plastic diver.
Oh, dear God.
Hurry up with those patties. I got five more pounds in the fridge.
Right, Dad.
Dad's having his poker chums over to test out the new barbecue.
You can give me a hand here.
Is it gonna end, Frasier? All this obsessive competitiveness.
Oh, probably never, Niles.
You know, whether it started
with seeking Mom's approval or some other insecurity,
we're locked in a pattern now that we'll probably never get out of.
- That sounds bleak. - No, no, not necessarily.
- There have been some benefits to it. - What?
I probably wouldn't have done so well in school
if it hadn't been for my fear that I'd be bested
by my brainy little brother.
Well, I was certainly spurred on by your success as well.
Why else would I have joined the chess club, the drama club and the key club?
And what other possible reason would there be for me
to spend an entire summer training a seeing-eye dog?
Aside from helping the blind.
You know what?
I might not have pushed myself on to Harvard and Oxford.
Well, I might not have been led to psychiatry,
which has been the saving grace of my life.
You see, Niles, frankly,
we both have a lot to thank each other for.
We've come a long way from those two little boys
just starving for a parent's approval.
- How are they coming? - Oh, just great, Dad.
- We're going as fast as we can. - Here you are.
- Nice job on those patties. - Thank you.
- Really? You think so? - Yeah.
Not too thick, not too thin, tight enough to hold their shape.
Perfect.
Well, thank you, Dad.
- Yeah, wait till you see the next batch. - Yeah.
You know, I'm surprised you let him keep that out there.
Oh, well, yeah. It's a bit of an eyesore and, frankly, kind of a fire hazard,
but what the hell, it makes him happy.
Lodged an anonymous complaint with the building?
- It'll be gone by Thursday. - That's nice.