1 00:00:01,334 --> 00:00:04,599 In the fall of 2009, a new couple had moved in upstairs. 2 00:00:04,671 --> 00:00:08,107 We hadn't met them yet, but we could hear them all the time. 3 00:00:08,174 --> 00:00:09,266 They were always... 4 00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:12,539 Well, kids, let's just say they were always playing the bagpipes. 5 00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:20,281 Okay, this is ridiculous. 6 00:00:20,353 --> 00:00:22,651 I can't believe those two are still bagpiping. 7 00:00:22,722 --> 00:00:25,247 I know. It's been six hours. 8 00:00:25,325 --> 00:00:28,192 Must be that Tantric bagpiping that Sting is into. 9 00:00:28,261 --> 00:00:30,388 She keeps yelling out for him to play the bagpipes harder, 10 00:00:30,463 --> 00:00:32,931 but it sounds like he's bagpiping her pretty hard. 11 00:00:32,999 --> 00:00:37,629 There's a glass of water in my bedroom that's vibrating like Jurassic Park. 12 00:00:38,304 --> 00:00:41,740 You have neighbors! Shut the bagpipes up! 13 00:00:42,666 --> 00:00:45,166 Sync by vNaru 14 00:00:55,422 --> 00:00:57,856 I decided to go to the bar for some peace and quiet. 15 00:00:57,924 --> 00:00:59,255 That didn't work out so well. 16 00:00:59,325 --> 00:01:02,692 Ted, I hate to have to be the one to tell you this. 17 00:01:03,863 --> 00:01:07,026 - Marshall and Lily are getting a divorce. - No, they're not. 18 00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:10,194 Just listen to what I witnessed yesterday. 19 00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:14,706 - Baby, you mind washing that? - No problem. 20 00:01:17,210 --> 00:01:18,643 I should go. 21 00:01:19,279 --> 00:01:22,737 She makes him wash his dishes right away, Ted. 22 00:01:23,516 --> 00:01:26,178 I give them two, maybe three weeks, tops. 23 00:01:26,252 --> 00:01:28,083 Barney, that's not a big deal. 24 00:01:28,154 --> 00:01:30,884 And it's certainly not a big enough deal for you to be holding my hands. 25 00:01:32,292 --> 00:01:34,055 They're in big trouble, Ted. 26 00:01:34,127 --> 00:01:35,219 I see what's going on. 27 00:01:35,295 --> 00:01:38,731 You, my friend, are suffering from a little-known condition, 28 00:01:38,798 --> 00:01:40,356 "little-known" because I just made it up, 29 00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:43,766 called New Relationship Smugness. 30 00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:46,067 You and Robin are in the honeymoon phase. 31 00:01:46,139 --> 00:01:47,697 Everything's perfect. 32 00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:51,141 Every song on the radio's about you. Every other couple sucks. 33 00:01:51,211 --> 00:01:53,736 Enjoy it. NRS doesn't last forever. 34 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,344 It does when you're this awesome. 35 00:01:56,416 --> 00:01:58,646 Hey, check it out. Robin and I have been keeping a tally 36 00:01:58,718 --> 00:02:00,345 of how many beds we've done it in. 37 00:02:00,420 --> 00:02:03,480 - We're up to 83 and a half. - A half? 38 00:02:03,556 --> 00:02:06,582 Nineteenth century ottoman in an antique shop. 39 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:09,159 - Hey. - Hey, what's up? 40 00:02:09,229 --> 00:02:10,856 Hey, tiger. 41 00:02:11,664 --> 00:02:13,757 How you holding up? Do you need a hug? 42 00:02:13,833 --> 00:02:16,734 You want to talk about yesterday? Safe space. 43 00:02:17,403 --> 00:02:19,769 Barney thinks Lily asking you to wash your dishes right away 44 00:02:19,839 --> 00:02:21,670 is a sign your marriage is crumbling. 45 00:02:21,741 --> 00:02:23,174 What? Why? 46 00:02:23,510 --> 00:02:26,638 Lily likes a clean sink, so I do the dishes right away, what's the big deal? 47 00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:29,409 I'll tell you what the big deal is. 48 00:02:30,216 --> 00:02:33,708 You know how I was always the best at being single? 49 00:02:33,786 --> 00:02:35,014 No. 50 00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:40,355 Well, now I am the best at relationships. Even better than you and Lily. 51 00:02:40,426 --> 00:02:42,553 Aw. Look at you. 52 00:02:42,629 --> 00:02:44,062 Had a girlfriend for five minutes, 53 00:02:44,130 --> 00:02:46,098 you think you can play with the big boys, adorable. 54 00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:49,533 Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail 55 00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:51,968 and were playing Dave Matthews on your mama's Casio. 56 00:02:52,038 --> 00:02:54,165 I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. 57 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:56,435 I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand 58 00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:59,137 and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile in the other 59 00:02:59,212 --> 00:03:00,702 that would make you weep. 60 00:03:00,780 --> 00:03:04,511 Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn 61 00:03:04,584 --> 00:03:07,815 and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, 62 00:03:07,887 --> 00:03:09,878 but thanks for your concern, rook. 63 00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:13,250 - Marshall, let me ask you one question. - Sure. 64 00:03:13,326 --> 00:03:16,762 Do you mind if there is a sink full of dirty dishes? 65 00:03:17,230 --> 00:03:18,561 Not really. 66 00:03:18,631 --> 00:03:21,099 Then it's Lily's problem, not yours. 67 00:03:21,167 --> 00:03:24,034 Yeah, but if I said that to her, it would only lead to a fight, so... 68 00:03:24,103 --> 00:03:27,300 Oh! You fight. See, Robin and I never fight. 69 00:03:27,373 --> 00:03:30,536 - Of course you do. - No. And here's the secret. 70 00:03:30,610 --> 00:03:33,704 Every time it looks like we're about to get into a fight... 71 00:03:34,914 --> 00:03:40,045 Why is there a bag of panties labeled "April 2008" in your closet? 72 00:03:53,099 --> 00:03:56,330 So any time you think you might have a fight, you just get up and leave? 73 00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:59,769 100% effective. Can't fight if you're not there. 74 00:03:59,839 --> 00:04:01,306 That's what Gandhi taught us. 75 00:04:01,374 --> 00:04:03,069 Boy, that's not true. 76 00:04:03,142 --> 00:04:05,303 I can't believe that Robin puts up with that. 77 00:04:05,378 --> 00:04:08,370 Don't worry. She's got a great way to avoid fights, too. 78 00:04:08,982 --> 00:04:11,917 Um, are ties machine-washable? 79 00:04:11,985 --> 00:04:14,783 No, they most certainly are not. Why? 80 00:04:16,756 --> 00:04:17,848 What is in your hand? 81 00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:20,756 Oh, my God, what is in your hand? 82 00:04:27,066 --> 00:04:30,229 Okay, so you walk away, Robin gets naked. 83 00:04:30,303 --> 00:04:33,431 Those are the two stupidest ways to handle conflict I've ever heard. 84 00:04:33,506 --> 00:04:35,030 Actually, the naked thing ain't bad. 85 00:04:36,743 --> 00:04:37,835 That felt kind of weird. 86 00:04:38,077 --> 00:04:39,738 - Okay, call me crazy. - Crazy. 87 00:04:39,812 --> 00:04:43,543 But when a problem comes up, Lily and I actually talk about it. 88 00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:45,914 There are so many great things to do with the human mouth. 89 00:04:45,985 --> 00:04:47,646 Why waste it on talking? 90 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:52,521 But if you insist, here's what I would say about the dishes, if I were Lily's husband. 91 00:04:54,427 --> 00:04:56,190 Barney, you're home! 92 00:04:59,732 --> 00:05:00,824 Dude. 93 00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:02,795 - Get to the point! - All right. 94 00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:05,126 Thanks, doll. 95 00:05:07,373 --> 00:05:08,362 Ah! 96 00:05:09,208 --> 00:05:10,937 Sweetie, are you going to wash that? 97 00:05:11,010 --> 00:05:14,309 I'm glad you bring that up. No. And here's why. 98 00:05:18,351 --> 00:05:20,819 Lily, I know you don't like a dirty sink, 99 00:05:20,887 --> 00:05:23,219 but does that make it my job to keep it clean? 100 00:05:23,289 --> 00:05:25,917 I mean, if one day I look up at the living room ceiling 101 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:29,189 and think, " Hey, I'd like a replica of the Sistine Chapel up there." 102 00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:32,595 - Would it be your job to paint it? - Well, no. Of course not. 103 00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:35,259 Exactly! So, baby, by the same logic, 104 00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,326 if you don't like looking at a sink full of dishes, 105 00:05:37,403 --> 00:05:39,132 shouldn't it be your job to clean them? 106 00:05:40,039 --> 00:05:43,998 Wow. Thanks for explaining that. I get so confused. 107 00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:46,307 That's because you're a woman. 108 00:05:48,715 --> 00:05:51,707 - I don't even know why we're laughing! - Of course you don't. 109 00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:56,851 You're kidding me with this. 110 00:05:56,923 --> 00:05:59,551 Hang on, Ted. Let's hear the man out. 111 00:05:59,625 --> 00:06:03,686 Once I have her attention, it's time to bring out the big guns. 112 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:06,195 Look, I love you. 113 00:06:06,766 --> 00:06:10,224 But, baby, with the little energy I have left after work, 114 00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:14,501 I want to shower you with love, not wash some silly dishes. 115 00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:17,508 You're right. I'll do the dishes. 116 00:06:18,010 --> 00:06:20,342 Right after I do this. 117 00:06:22,014 --> 00:06:23,003 Oh. 118 00:06:23,983 --> 00:06:25,245 Oh, yeah. 119 00:06:26,686 --> 00:06:28,278 Now turn around. 120 00:06:31,724 --> 00:06:34,557 Firm. Oh, yeah. 121 00:06:34,627 --> 00:06:36,652 Are you going to hit him or should I? 122 00:06:36,729 --> 00:06:40,597 - He's right. - No, he's not. Marshall, look at me. 123 00:06:40,666 --> 00:06:42,827 Do not get drawn into Barney Stinson's circus tent 124 00:06:42,902 --> 00:06:44,961 of funhouse mirrors and flawed logic. 125 00:06:45,037 --> 00:06:47,232 This is exactly how you got the earring back in '03. 126 00:06:47,306 --> 00:06:49,797 - Hey, that earring looked cool. - It did look cool, didn't it? 127 00:06:49,876 --> 00:06:52,868 Marshall, stay with me! Barney is wrong. 128 00:06:54,447 --> 00:06:58,645 No, he isn't. I hate doing my dishes right away. 129 00:06:58,718 --> 00:07:01,414 - You just said you don't mind! - I hate it, Ted! 130 00:07:01,487 --> 00:07:06,857 I hate it with a boundless, burning fury. I hate it. I hate it, I hate it! 131 00:07:06,926 --> 00:07:08,257 You're welcome. 132 00:07:08,327 --> 00:07:09,851 - Hey, guys. - Hey. 133 00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:12,898 Oh! Good. There you are. You'll tell me the truth. 134 00:07:12,965 --> 00:07:15,126 Barney says that you two never fight. 135 00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:18,165 - Oh! I guess that's true. - Told you. 136 00:07:18,404 --> 00:07:20,895 No way. I love you both, 137 00:07:20,973 --> 00:07:23,567 but you are the two most emotionally ill-equipped individuals 138 00:07:23,643 --> 00:07:25,474 in the history of relationships. 139 00:07:25,545 --> 00:07:27,308 You two must have had at least one fight. 140 00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:28,841 You know what? We did. 141 00:07:28,915 --> 00:07:29,939 - Aha! - Mmm-hmm. 142 00:07:30,016 --> 00:07:31,574 There was one small dispute 143 00:07:31,651 --> 00:07:33,516 about which one of us was more awesome. 144 00:07:33,586 --> 00:07:36,111 We just called it a tie and had sex. 145 00:07:36,656 --> 00:07:38,283 Speaking of which, I am so glad 146 00:07:38,357 --> 00:07:40,291 we're going skiing this weekend. I need a break. 147 00:07:40,359 --> 00:07:42,589 The upstairs neighbors are driving me crazy. 148 00:07:42,662 --> 00:07:45,358 Yeah, it's bad. I'm gonna say something to them. 149 00:07:45,431 --> 00:07:46,659 - Thank you. - Great. 150 00:07:46,732 --> 00:07:48,791 Okay, we all have our assignments for the weekend. 151 00:07:48,868 --> 00:07:50,529 Ted, you're going to stand up to your neighbors. 152 00:07:50,603 --> 00:07:52,127 Marshall, you're going to stand up to Lily. 153 00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:54,332 And Robin, I'm gonna need you in sort of a crouched position 154 00:07:54,407 --> 00:07:56,034 on the bear-skin rug at our ski chalet. 155 00:07:56,108 --> 00:07:57,473 Ready? Break! 156 00:07:57,543 --> 00:07:59,875 - Bye, guys. - Bye. Have fun. 157 00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:07,017 Barney, you know, with his crazy, well-thought-out theories 158 00:08:07,086 --> 00:08:08,986 that probably would work. 159 00:08:09,055 --> 00:08:11,751 Marshall, I'm just gonna say this one more time. 160 00:08:11,824 --> 00:08:14,019 - It's a bad idea. - I think it could work. 161 00:08:14,093 --> 00:08:16,288 Okay, two more times. It's a bad idea. 162 00:08:16,362 --> 00:08:18,489 Listen, Barney lays out some logical points. 163 00:08:18,564 --> 00:08:20,054 Lily is a reasonable woman. 164 00:08:20,132 --> 00:08:24,330 I think that if I explain it to her, she'll get it and I'll get my way. 165 00:08:24,403 --> 00:08:27,702 No. She'll get mad, and you'll get in a huge fight. 166 00:08:27,773 --> 00:08:29,570 - Slap bet? - Slap bet. 167 00:08:32,812 --> 00:08:35,246 Baby, could you wash your dishes? 168 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:39,144 Lily, I'm glad that you bring that up. 169 00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:44,823 Can I stay here tonight? 170 00:08:45,892 --> 00:08:48,122 I'll make up the sofa, buddy. 171 00:08:57,470 --> 00:08:59,665 The ski bunnies are back! 172 00:08:59,739 --> 00:09:01,206 Hey, guys. How was your trip? 173 00:09:02,341 --> 00:09:03,365 So perfect. 174 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:06,478 We spent the whole weekend cuddling by the fire. 175 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,776 No black diamonds, but a lot of red hearts. 176 00:09:08,848 --> 00:09:09,940 Oh! 177 00:09:10,783 --> 00:09:12,307 Okay, I'm gonna go unpack. 178 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:14,046 - Hey, you. - Yeah? 179 00:09:15,688 --> 00:09:16,882 Uh-huh. 180 00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:19,890 - Ooh! - Uh-huh. 181 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:23,185 Oh, man. 182 00:09:23,262 --> 00:09:27,096 What the hell has gotten into you two? When did you become so nauseating? 183 00:09:27,166 --> 00:09:33,594 Isn't it great to finally see her fulfilled emotionally, spiritually and sexually? 184 00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:37,338 - Um, I dated her for a year. - Yeah. 185 00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:39,539 Anyway, how was your weekend? 186 00:09:39,612 --> 00:09:43,742 Terrible, and it's all your fault, okay? I took your stupid advice. 187 00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:48,151 Baby, could you wash your dishes? 188 00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:52,118 Lily, I'm glad that you bring that up. 189 00:09:52,191 --> 00:09:54,887 No. And here is why. 190 00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:04,861 Okay. 191 00:10:06,572 --> 00:10:09,006 So, it's like this, okay. 192 00:10:09,942 --> 00:10:14,538 Yeah, sure. You want me to go ahead and wash my dish. 193 00:10:15,314 --> 00:10:20,479 But maybe I want you to paint the ceiling, right? 194 00:10:20,853 --> 00:10:23,014 And maybe I should say, 195 00:10:23,089 --> 00:10:27,583 "Okay, yeah. I'll wash my dish if you get up there and just... 196 00:10:27,660 --> 00:10:30,060 "You paint naked babies on the ceiling." 197 00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:32,290 You know? It's just like... 198 00:10:32,898 --> 00:10:33,887 Huh? 199 00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:34,955 Huh? 200 00:10:35,101 --> 00:10:39,765 I don't know what happened. I'm a lawyer. I argue for a living, 201 00:10:39,839 --> 00:10:43,570 but when it comes to Lily, I just get all flustered. 202 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:47,238 How could you not? I mean, the girl's all eyes and boobs. 203 00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:50,806 What happened to the "I'm tired after my draining day 204 00:10:50,883 --> 00:10:53,613 "and I want to use my leftover energy showering you with love" argument? 205 00:10:53,686 --> 00:10:56,621 I should have written that down. 206 00:10:57,623 --> 00:10:59,250 Look, Lily, I... 207 00:11:00,259 --> 00:11:02,989 - I make more money than you. - Excuse me? 208 00:11:05,898 --> 00:11:07,297 Dance for me. 209 00:11:07,366 --> 00:11:09,596 - Oh, Marshall. - Dude. 210 00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,796 It all made so much sense when you said it, 211 00:11:11,871 --> 00:11:13,634 but when I said it, it turned into a fight. 212 00:11:13,706 --> 00:11:18,871 And once Lily and I start fighting, the fight starts to mutate and multiply. 213 00:11:19,712 --> 00:11:21,805 Sure, it started with the dishes, but then... 214 00:11:21,881 --> 00:11:25,248 So you're saying that you shouldn't have to wash dishes 215 00:11:25,317 --> 00:11:27,046 because you work harder than me? 216 00:11:27,119 --> 00:11:30,247 Okay, that's not what I'm saying, but it's true. 217 00:11:30,322 --> 00:11:33,257 And then all of a sudden, we're also fighting about who works harder. 218 00:11:33,325 --> 00:11:34,917 I teach kindergarten. 219 00:11:34,994 --> 00:11:37,519 I am molding the future leaders of tomorrow. 220 00:11:37,596 --> 00:11:39,962 You eat cookies and glue stuff. 221 00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:41,624 And soon more fights spin off. 222 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:42,998 I can't believe you'd rather be killed... 223 00:11:43,069 --> 00:11:45,833 Until there are more fights going on than you can even keep track of. 224 00:11:45,905 --> 00:11:47,964 If you need to go in the middle of the night, 225 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,838 either turn the bathroom light on or sit down. 226 00:11:50,910 --> 00:11:53,401 My mother does not hate you. 227 00:11:53,479 --> 00:11:55,709 She is neutral about you. 228 00:11:55,781 --> 00:11:58,545 I am not scared of your Shining impression. 229 00:11:58,617 --> 00:12:01,848 I just don't need to hear it, especially at night. 230 00:12:01,921 --> 00:12:05,584 "Danny's not here, Mrs. Torrance." 231 00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:07,455 Please don't do that. 232 00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:10,294 Man, Lily fights dirty. 233 00:12:10,796 --> 00:12:13,993 She's small but vicious, like a badger 234 00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:16,000 that your brothers caught and starved for five days 235 00:12:16,068 --> 00:12:17,695 and then put in your sleeping bag. 236 00:12:18,838 --> 00:12:20,738 I should just go home and apologize. 237 00:12:20,806 --> 00:12:24,674 No. What you need is a surge. Fight harder. 238 00:12:26,145 --> 00:12:27,271 Picture it, Marshall, 239 00:12:27,346 --> 00:12:30,008 never having to wash another dish as long as you live, 240 00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:32,380 yet all the dishes are always clean. 241 00:12:32,451 --> 00:12:35,818 Why, this would take all the anxiety out of snacking. 242 00:12:36,122 --> 00:12:38,317 No more holding open your shirt 243 00:12:38,390 --> 00:12:41,223 to form a makeshift bowl for your salty treats. 244 00:12:41,293 --> 00:12:43,318 That world is yours, Marshall. 245 00:12:43,395 --> 00:12:48,924 Reach out, take it. Dip it in some ranch dressing, enjoy. 246 00:12:52,371 --> 00:12:53,861 - He's right. - No! 247 00:12:53,939 --> 00:12:56,100 Barney's stupid ideas are what got you into this quagmire. 248 00:12:56,175 --> 00:12:58,473 There's no exit strategy. Just wash your stupid dishes. 249 00:12:58,544 --> 00:13:00,876 No! Those dishes are my manhood. 250 00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:03,346 And if I want to leave my manhood dirty in the sink, 251 00:13:03,415 --> 00:13:05,542 - caked with ketchup and pasta... - What are you eating? 252 00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,916 ...then damn it, that's my right! 253 00:13:07,987 --> 00:13:10,922 I'll wash my manhood when I'm good and ready! 254 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:12,985 Where was he not sitting? 255 00:13:14,193 --> 00:13:17,162 - Hmm. Hey, Barnstormer. - Hey, Ro-Ro. 256 00:13:17,229 --> 00:13:18,218 Ooh! 257 00:13:18,898 --> 00:13:23,028 Okay, now you have adorable nicknames? Seriously, what's going on with you two? 258 00:13:23,102 --> 00:13:24,899 Nothing. We're just happy. 259 00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:28,269 It's like Gandhi said, "Smile don't cost nothing, sugar." 260 00:13:28,340 --> 00:13:30,968 I'm not sure you know who Gandhi is. 261 00:13:31,043 --> 00:13:32,772 So, Ted, did you talk to our neighbors? 262 00:13:32,845 --> 00:13:36,975 Yes, yeah, I did. I went up there ready to set them straight. 263 00:13:48,460 --> 00:13:50,724 - They're old? - Really old. 264 00:13:51,530 --> 00:13:52,690 So what did you do? 265 00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:54,562 Well, I didn't have the heart to tell them to stop, 266 00:13:54,633 --> 00:13:56,464 because, well, good for them. 267 00:13:56,535 --> 00:13:59,766 So I just welcomed them to the building, had a hard candy, 268 00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:02,569 nodded politely at some racist comments and then left. 269 00:14:04,376 --> 00:14:05,502 Over the next couple of days, 270 00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:09,070 Barney and Robin continued to be happier than ever. 271 00:14:09,148 --> 00:14:10,979 And Marshall and Lily continued to fight. 272 00:14:11,050 --> 00:14:15,749 I don't care if the dishes aren't done. Okay, if you care, you do it. 273 00:14:15,821 --> 00:14:19,154 Great. Then I don't care if you have an orgasm. 274 00:14:19,225 --> 00:14:20,988 If you care, you do it. 275 00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:24,587 I went 18 years without the touch of a woman. 276 00:14:24,663 --> 00:14:27,325 - I can do it again. - You might have to. 277 00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:31,469 And I continued to hear more bagpiping than the St. Patty's Day parade. 278 00:14:36,675 --> 00:14:39,838 I don't know what to do. Lily and I have never had a fight this long. 279 00:14:39,912 --> 00:14:41,402 It's like I don't even exist. 280 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:44,210 On Sunday morning, she made pancake, Ted. 281 00:14:44,750 --> 00:14:46,980 Pancake and bacon strip. 282 00:14:47,686 --> 00:14:51,884 It's your own fault. You took relationship advice from Barney. 283 00:14:52,658 --> 00:14:54,023 Well, maybe Barney has it all figured out. 284 00:14:55,194 --> 00:14:57,992 He and Ro-Ro are the best couple now. 285 00:14:58,063 --> 00:14:59,462 Lily and I have been dethroned. 286 00:14:59,531 --> 00:15:01,055 You know what, I'm not buying it. 287 00:15:01,133 --> 00:15:04,000 All that cutesy, lovey-dovey crap, that's not them. 288 00:15:04,069 --> 00:15:07,300 And I know for a fact that Robin hates nicknames. 289 00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:12,942 - Thanks, Robbsy-wobbsy. - Yeah, I don't do nicknames. 290 00:15:13,512 --> 00:15:17,073 - Finished with the sports page, Sherbs? - Seriously, stop. 291 00:15:19,018 --> 00:15:21,145 Hey, Robin, it's T-Mose. 292 00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:23,654 Yeah, I don't like them on you, either. 293 00:15:24,256 --> 00:15:25,689 Well, she obviously likes them now. 294 00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:30,195 And come on, somebody had to put an end to T-Mose. 295 00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:32,890 No, T-Mose was awesome. 296 00:15:33,699 --> 00:15:35,564 I'm thinking of bringing it back. 297 00:15:38,304 --> 00:15:41,740 Bagpiping sounds a little different today. It's all echo-y. 298 00:15:41,807 --> 00:15:43,399 Yeah. They're in the bathroom. 299 00:15:43,909 --> 00:15:45,877 I think they're bagpiping on the shower chair. 300 00:15:46,512 --> 00:15:47,570 And just like that, 301 00:15:47,646 --> 00:15:50,740 I realized exactly how to get the real scoop on Barney and Robin. 302 00:15:50,816 --> 00:15:52,750 Hey, Ted. How are Marshall and Lily? 303 00:15:52,818 --> 00:15:56,777 - I worry about those two, I really do. - You and your big, giant heart. 304 00:15:56,855 --> 00:15:59,551 Okay, enough. The jig is up. 305 00:16:00,726 --> 00:16:02,785 Ted, whatever do you mean? 306 00:16:02,861 --> 00:16:05,091 - Who's this guy? - We'll get to that. 307 00:16:05,164 --> 00:16:06,722 You see, I knew something was wrong. 308 00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:10,826 You two were too happy, too shiny, too nickname-y. 309 00:16:11,270 --> 00:16:12,532 Didn't add up. 310 00:16:12,604 --> 00:16:15,732 You two never fight? Horse apples. 311 00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:19,642 You fight all the time. 312 00:16:20,913 --> 00:16:23,814 - How would you know that? - Phil told me. 313 00:16:23,882 --> 00:16:27,010 - Who the hell is Phil? - Your downstairs neighbor. 314 00:16:27,086 --> 00:16:30,715 Hi. I'm Phil. 12 B. 315 00:16:31,256 --> 00:16:33,850 And he's heard everything. 316 00:16:39,631 --> 00:16:42,327 So Phil tells me that Ro-Ro and the Barnstormer 317 00:16:42,401 --> 00:16:46,201 have been fighting a lot. Care to explain? 318 00:16:49,875 --> 00:16:53,367 Okay. Everything was going great. 319 00:16:53,445 --> 00:16:55,913 Our no-fighting techniques were working perfectly 320 00:16:55,981 --> 00:16:58,040 until we went on that ski trip last weekend. 321 00:16:58,117 --> 00:16:59,106 Hmm. 322 00:16:59,618 --> 00:17:02,519 So I showed Marshall that Lily's argument was bananas 323 00:17:02,588 --> 00:17:04,886 and now he'll never have to wash another dish. 324 00:17:04,957 --> 00:17:08,085 - High two. - That's terrible advice. 325 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:11,493 What? You agree with Lily? You... 326 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:19,796 Oh, no. We're about to get in a fight, and I can't run away. 327 00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:23,603 I can't take my clothes off. It's freezing up here. I'd get hypothermia. 328 00:17:23,675 --> 00:17:26,576 - Maybe I can jump it? - Maybe just my pants? 329 00:17:29,681 --> 00:17:33,674 - This no-fighting thing is over, huh? - I think so. 330 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:36,144 - How could you possibly... - I can't believe... 331 00:17:36,221 --> 00:17:37,415 ...agree with Lily? ...that you made Lily 332 00:17:37,489 --> 00:17:38,979 - get in a fight about this! - She's shorter than him! 333 00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:42,292 And it didn't end there. We've been fighting ever since. 334 00:17:42,361 --> 00:17:45,194 All those fights we kept not having, they all came back around. 335 00:17:45,264 --> 00:17:47,630 - The bag of panties. - The tie Robin murdered. 336 00:17:47,699 --> 00:17:52,966 - The tiny camera I found in the headboard. - That's how a quarterback stays sharp. 337 00:17:53,038 --> 00:17:55,768 Monday morning, he sits on a bag of ice and studies the game tape. 338 00:17:55,841 --> 00:17:57,365 - Barney, for the millionth... - You don't get to be... 339 00:17:57,443 --> 00:17:58,910 ...using football analogies... ...as good as I am... 340 00:17:58,977 --> 00:18:01,002 ...and studying technique! ...does not make it any less creepy. 341 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:04,914 I knew it! I knew you guys were acting too cute and perfect. 342 00:18:05,217 --> 00:18:07,981 Look, we were just sick of everyone pointing out 343 00:18:08,053 --> 00:18:10,521 how crappy at relationships we both are. 344 00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:13,422 Yeah, it was sort of nice to be the perfect couple for a minute. 345 00:18:13,492 --> 00:18:14,720 I knew you were lying. 346 00:18:14,793 --> 00:18:17,921 You got to wake up pretty early to slip one by the T-Mose. 347 00:18:17,996 --> 00:18:19,224 Stop it. 348 00:18:20,666 --> 00:18:23,226 Marshall, dinner's ready. 349 00:18:23,869 --> 00:18:26,337 Did you... Did you make any for me? 350 00:18:26,405 --> 00:18:28,703 No, but it's your favorite. 351 00:18:37,015 --> 00:18:40,382 Hey. We need your advice. 352 00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,317 So Barney and Robin told Lily and Marshall 353 00:18:42,387 --> 00:18:43,547 all about their fighting. 354 00:18:43,622 --> 00:18:45,522 And let's just say, that in comparison, 355 00:18:45,591 --> 00:18:47,616 their little dishes spat seemed pretty tame. 356 00:18:57,936 --> 00:18:59,028 And by the end, 357 00:18:59,104 --> 00:19:02,005 Lily and Marshall both had the same reaction. 358 00:19:02,074 --> 00:19:04,634 I'll wash my dishes right away from now until the day I die. 359 00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:06,575 I don't care when you wash the dishes. 360 00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:09,546 But if it's something cheese-based, like a nice ziti, at least soak it, okay? 361 00:19:09,615 --> 00:19:10,809 Of course, baby. 362 00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:13,852 - I love you. - I love you, too. 363 00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:16,644 See? Right there, how did you just do that? 364 00:19:16,722 --> 00:19:18,713 - How'd you just fix everything? - I don't know. 365 00:19:18,790 --> 00:19:22,226 I guess sometimes you just have to set your ego aside. 366 00:19:22,294 --> 00:19:26,628 Yeah. And remember that the love that you have for that other person 367 00:19:26,698 --> 00:19:29,758 is way more important than winning. 368 00:19:33,805 --> 00:19:37,206 - More important than winning. - Stop, stop it. 369 00:19:37,276 --> 00:19:39,335 Seriously, what's the secret? 370 00:19:39,978 --> 00:19:42,742 Okay, look, the honeymoon period may be over, 371 00:19:42,814 --> 00:19:45,749 but now you can get into the real stuff. 372 00:19:46,451 --> 00:19:49,614 And honestly, that's the best part. 373 00:19:49,688 --> 00:19:51,053 Good night. 374 00:19:51,623 --> 00:19:53,147 So what do we do now? 375 00:19:53,225 --> 00:19:55,887 I guess we got to start talking more and get into the real stuff. 376 00:19:55,961 --> 00:20:00,295 - Yeah. Or there's a bench in the elevator. - That's better. 377 00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:03,095 Hey, so what if we're not the best couple in the world? 378 00:20:03,168 --> 00:20:05,398 - Totally. It's not a competition. - No. 379 00:20:05,470 --> 00:20:07,995 - We win! - Best couple in the world! 380 00:20:08,073 --> 00:20:09,097 Whoo! 381 00:20:09,174 --> 00:20:10,232 Yeah! 382 00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:18,213 Guess what? These glasses are plastic. 383 00:20:18,283 --> 00:20:23,414 So we can just throw them away. That means no dirty dishes in the sink. 384 00:20:23,488 --> 00:20:27,788 You're dirty. Maybe I should leave you in the sink. 385 00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:32,428 And once that first argument got worked out, 386 00:20:32,497 --> 00:20:37,059 all those other arguments, well, they got better, too.