(music playing over TV)
What are you looking at, monkey boy?
Ow!
Ow! Ow! Reese!
What are you doing?
Help! Ow! Help! Mom, help!
No, cut it out. Cut it out. Ow! Ow! Ow!
Help! It hurts! Ow!
Knock it off, you little... LOIS: Reese!
What the heck are you doing? Honest to God,
you can't leave that kid alone for five minutes
without picking on him! I didn't do anything, Mom.
Go! He's lying!
I gave him that.
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair. ♪
Honey, which juice don't I like--
apple or grape?
You don't like either.
Oh, right.
Malcolm, what is all this stuff from your teacher?
That woman sends home two or three fliers every day.
She says she wants the parents
to be as involved as possible with the children.
At school? It's the only break I get.
What exactly is "personal fulfillment week"?
Square dancing.
That's right, square dancing.
You should see it.
The Krelboynes dance on the tetherball courts
in front of the whole school.
We laugh our asses off.
Excuse me?
Butts.
We laugh our butts off.
Uh-oh.
Open.
Swish.
Spit.
This tastes like crap.
Reese is right.
This class is turning me into a total weirdo.
You are not a weirdo. You are gifted.
And if gifted kids are supposed to square-dance,
then you'll do it.
Probably teaches you geometry.
Don't forget to mail these bills; they're late. Ah. Ooh!
Two blues, only one pink. We're doing better.
Well, don't get cocky.
They're hot until I deposit my paycheck.
You kids, let's get going. Come on, Malcolm!
You don't want them to do-si-doing without you.
That's it! For the sake of my manhood,
today I'm ditching school. Hey!
Why don't I drive you boys to school today?
Uh, that's okay, Dad.
I don't mind walking.
Oh, no, no, no. I really want to.
A chance to spend a few extra minutes
with my sons, enjoying their company.
Honestly, son, it'll be the highlight of my day.
Come on.
Great. Now I can't even be mad at him.
Aw, Stanley.
Let me show you how it's done.
Uh-oh, eyes down.
That was good.
You didn't give them any satisfaction.
In another six months, they'll be bored with you.
(indistinct chatter on TV)
(laughing) That's got to hurt!
Mom was right.
I do get some sick thrill out of trouble.
Ow!
That skinny guy! Come on, get him!
Commandant on the floor.
Ten-hut!
(snarling)
I smell smoke.
Who is responsible?
Very well.
We'll do it the hard way.
Patton.
(growling)
(barking)
Francis, please lift up
your right foot.
Son, you have the worst attitude
I've ever seen in 15 years at this institution.
You seem compelled
to break every rule, to flout every convention.
You are never gonna make it--
in the Armed Forces or anywhere else.
Now, I was never fortunate enough to serve in combat,
but I do know what it requires.
Look at this dog.
He is vicious, he is ungrateful,
and yet even he understands the importance
of obedience.
Do you hear what I am saying, Francis?
Yes, sir. I'll try to be more like
a Jack Russell terrier, sir.
There will be
no hot water for this floor for the entire month.
You can thank the cadet after I leave.
(snarling)
(blow landing)
FRANCIS: Ow!
Reese wiped his booger on my lunch bag.
Dewey, what have we taught you about snitching?
"Only snitch when asked to snitch."
Good boy.
So, looking forward to school?
I guess. Well, that's a shame.
'Cause we're not going to school.
(chuckling)
Where are we going?
Boys, I'm going to share something with you
I hope you'll remember for the rest of your lives.
Now, I don't want to spoil the surprise,
but I've been planning this for years.
I just had to wait
until you were all old enough to appreciate it.
(clicks tongue)
Hookers?
If it gets me out of square dancing, fine.
HAL: Just sit back
and enjoy the ride, boys.
We're rebels.
We're wild men!
(cackling)
Whoo!
("Sukiyaki" sung in Japanese)
Where did I put the damn paycheck?
(quietly): Yeah.
Those guys are wimps.
That's not even half the size of the one I gave you
just to get you out of riflery.
Hey, thanks for pulling them off me.
I owe you one.
(scoffs) One?
Hey, you want to see something very, very cool?
Oh, boy, what have you done now?
FRANCIS: Oh, isn't he beautiful?
He only cost me $20. I'm calling him Otis.
Did you listen to anything Spangler said?
You're already in enough trouble as it is
without bringing in a pet.
Well, Spangler has that oversized gerbil.
And besides, Otis is not a pet.
Otis is a symbol.
Of what?
Of everything that is beautiful in the world.
Independence...
free thought.
I may be stuck here in this militaristic loony bin,
but at least some part of me can stay connected
to the things that give me my humanity.
You're not gonna turn me in, are you?
I don't know. On the one hand,
you're probably gonna get caught,
because you always do.
Then, of course, I'll be involved
even though I had nothing to do with it.
On the other hand...
...it's a snake.
Good man!
I think I'm starting to bring out the rebel in you.
Touching.
Right. Sorry.
(bell ringing)
♪ ♪
Stock car races!
Oh, cool!
That's right, boys.
The real field of dreams--
only with concrete instead of all that grass.
♪ I don't want to work... ♪
We all together? Here we go.
Excuse us, please. Here we go...
Oh, oh! Boys, boys?
You see that blue car down in front--
number 16? MALCOLM: Yeah.
That is Rusty Malcolm.
The greatest man in the history of the sport.
Maybe the greatest man ever.
15 NASCAR titles, six world records.
Inventor of the in-car urination system.
The list is endless.
And he came from nothing
just like you boys.
You see, this is Rusty's last race ever.
He's retiring, so I wanted to share him
with you before he went so that you can see for yourselves
just how much you can accomplish in this world with a...
a little persistence and determination.
Did you read that article in People
about him getting a divorce?
Shut your filthy mouth.
You know, you were named after Rusty, Malcolm.
I was? Yes sirree, Bob.
Took me two kids to win that argument.
(whoops) (crowd cheering)
Gentlemen, start your excitement,
because here they come!
(whooping)
He won!
Rusty Malcolm won!
Oh, no, sweetheart.
That was just the pace lap.
How many laps are there?
Oh, hundreds.
We've got four hours of this.
Four hours?!
Uh-huh.
Do we at least get to see
any flaming wrecks?
Reese, it's not about that.
See, it's about strategy and-and technique.
It's-it's about the melding of man and machine.
The wrecks are just sort of a bonus.
Dewey?
You can keep track of the laps.
♪ ♪
(cars passing)
Can we go get sodas?
What? Already?
Well, okay.
Guess it can't be a special day without sodas, huh?
Here. Oh, hey, wait, wait, wait, wait.
See if you can get your dad a beer.
Take my I.D.
Come on, Rusty!
(vacuum cleaner running)
(sighs) Firecrackers.
Malcolm.
(vacuum cleaner stops)
(chuckles)
I'm gonna say Reese.
Dewey, stay with us.
You're gonna get lost.
No, I won't.
Yes, you will.
You always do.
You know you could help.
I'm watching him.
He's right over...
Man, how does he do that?
Totally your fault!
He was right in your eye line.
You don't pay attention to anything!
I pay attention.
Score!
What are you doing?
(muffled): Too slow.
(sighs) Come on.
Let's just go find Dewey.
This place sucks.
It's hot, it stinks,
nobody's T-shirts cover their stomachs,
and I'm bored out of my mind.
Hey.
Look at that.
Let's check it out.
I don't know.
It doesn't just say "keep out,"
it says "forbidden."
And they wouldn't bother making it "forbidden"
if it wasn't something totally bitching on the other side.
Wow. I can't find a flaw in his logic.
Come on. What's the worst that could happen?
We didn't do anything!
I'm a diabetic!
I need insulin!
Sit down!
You are such an idiot!
It actually was pretty bitching.
I'm totally getting one of these for Christmas.
(doorbell rings)
What does the sign say?
WOMAN: "No soliciting."
Yeah, that includes Jesus.
No, it's Carolyn Miller, Malcolm's teacher.
I need to talk to you.
Yeah, come on in!
Oh, spring cleaning?
Oh, ho.
Yeah, I'm cleaning house, all right.
I'm sorry to bother you at home,
but when Malcolm didn't show up for school today...
What?
Malcolm cut school today?
Yeah. Actually, not just today.
Now, I know your first reaction is probably
gonna be one of understandable... Wait!
"Ditching."
We have a winner!
Anyway, this week we've been
doing a lot of work on folk movement,
and I-I think that Malcolm
may be ditching because he's afaid that...
well, that he may not seem... graceful.
(laughing)
Oh, you're serious.
Yes, I'm serious.
I think he may have body issues.
(chuckling)
Look, honey, you're probably very bright,
but you got a lot to learn about boys.
First off, they're able to think maybe
three minutes into the future, and it's our job
to make sure that future comes crashing down on them
within the time limit.
Otherwise, they never learn anything.
Help lift.
What is that?
Don't be such a baby.
I'll get the tongs.
I'll be Kevin.
You be Clyde.
Think you can cry?
No. I got to feel it.
Ooh, ooh, I got an idea.
No!
Just follow my lead.
No, Reese. Whatever it is, no!
Well, I guess you boys had some time
to think about what you've done.
Yes, sir.
Look, I, uh...
used to be your age.
And I understand how tempting
a place like that can be.
And I guess you kids really didn't do any major harm,
so I've decided to let you off... Hi-ya!
You idiot!
Open it! It's locked!
(groaning)
Okay, I think I can cry now.
(pneumatic drilling)
My pleasure, Rusty!
(voice echoing)
(crowd cheering)
Hey, how about that, boys?
(sighs)
Well, this just plain hurts my feelings.
Oh, man.
Oh, ma... Stanley, I'm sorry, I did...
Wait. I'm trying to see if I'm inspired
by its symbolic bid for freedom.
No. I'm just really pissed.
Okay, don't overreact.
It's just a snake, right?
So, it's got to be around here somewhere.
No big deal.
(Patton barking)
(whimpering)
SPANGLER: Oh, my God, Patton! No!
(two gunshots)
Hi, Mom. Uh, I was just thinking about how much I missed you guys
and I love you, and... I was thinking
I should come for a visit, you know, like, today.
There's a flight leaving in half an hour
and I already booked it,
so I just need your credit card number to...
Well, honey, here's the thing.
Right now, you are actually better off
being as far away from me as possible.
But... Aw, you got to trust me
on this one, Francis-- or, uh, should I say...
"Olaf Mortenson" of Wheatville, Montana?
(dial tone drones)
You know, I have learned more in two hours with you
than I have in six years of teaching.
(sighs) So, did your life
turn out anything at all like you planned?
Oh, God, no.
Oh, when I was a girl,
I had all these crazy, romantic dreams.
I wanted to be a blackjack dealer
in an Indian reservation.
Didn't work out.
Stubby thumbs.
Well, at least you have your home
and your family.
All I come home to every night
are three howling cats and... Bob.
Who's Bob?
My showerhead.
(both laugh)
Do you have anything stronger?
I'm way ahead of you.
ANNOUNCER: ...and it looks like Rusty Malcolm
will win his final race!
Rusty!
I can't believe they're missing this.
(tires screeching)
(crowd clamoring) What happened? What happened?
Rusty do something?
Missed it!
What'd he do?
(metallic squeaking)
Men... a terrible tragedy has befallen us.
At approximately 1700 hours,
our beloved Patton
was set upon by a serpent and devoured.
I, myself, fired a few rounds
as it slithered away,
but hampered by a lack of depth perception,
my efforts were useless.
(sniffles)
Now... after an incident such as this,
certain questions arise.
Leaving aside for the moment
why God feels the need to take away everything that I love,
that leaves us with the matter of
who is responsible.
Can you explain that, Francis?
Yes, sir. I believe you lost that finger
trying to restart the school lawnmower, sir.
What is in the hand?
They appear to be Raisinettes, sir.
They are snake droppings, found in your footlocker.
Now, what do you have to say for yourself?
Sir, I'm obviously the victim of an elaborate conspiracy
to frame me.
It's just too perfect, sir.
Two months!
No hot water, no television,
and an 8:00 p.m. curfew for the entire academy.
Feel free to thank the cadet
after I leave.
Could I ask one favor-- would you send a picture
to my mom with "I told you so" written across it?
Yeah! Whoo! Yeah!
Way to go, man!
What?
We hated that yappy, little rat.
Let's hear it for Francis, you guys!
(all cheering)
(laughs)
This is an improvement, right?
Reese!
Malcolm!
(grunts)
Hi, Dad.
Hi. Where are your brothers?
Oh, geez.
Come on.
Uh... what-what seems to be the trouble here,
Officer, uh... Karl?
These your boys? Uh, yes, sir, that they are.
Fine boys. Couldn't be prouder of them.
For your information, these are two of the worst kids
I have ever encountered in my life.
And I work the state fair.
Really? See, that must be fascinating.
Seeing people from all over,
the different cultures... Hey!
I don't want to be a hard case here,
but these kids physically attacked me.
Uh-huh, uh-huh. Plus, they completely destroyed
a $300 pneumatic drill, which someone's going to pay for.
Well, this all sounds pretty serious.
But don't you worry, Officer Karl.
They are gonna hear all about when I get them home. You see,
I'm just sorry that they had to put you through all of this.
That's not fair.
And I, uh, see, I fully intend to pay for... Aah!
(groans)
Clyde, Kevin! Get to the car!
(groaning)
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Ooh!
(chuckling)
Okay.
All right, men.
Well, I hope you've all learned something today, huh?
I learned my dad is actually capable
of doing something cool.
I'm not saying violence is cool, but that was cool.
I always wondered where we got it from.
Program... tickets...
Huh.
Your mother's paycheck.
Now, boys, remember, as far as your mom knows...
I have been at work all day.
(laughing)
Okay, go on.
All right.
Well, at least she doesn't know I skipped school all week.