(LUGHTER)
I'm glad you liked that one. It's a long time since I told a joke in public.
The bad news is I might develop a taste for it.
There's a lot more where that came from.
A lot of you have been asking me - in different ways...
Just trying to survive this next bit.
..what the hell I've been up to all these years.
I'd like to answer that question but I'll do it in my own way -
with a few digressions, stories...
Jesus.
..another joke or two.
I have a selection of jokes about the family.
Excuse me.
Some of them are old, given that I haven't been near any of you for ages.
They're what you might call vintage jokes.
There is one about Ernest and his visit to a safari park, which is quite good.
It's more of a story than a joke.
It was on his 55th birthday....
- Are you going in, sir?. - That is my father up there.
-..He went in the wrong entrance... - Thought I'd skip this part.
- It's the worst, parents making speeches. - The stuff of nightmares.
- He's doing OK. - So far.
I want to take you back... No, this won't take long.
I've a feeling the best is yet to come.
- Is this a wedding, then?. - No. It's a gathering.
This is my family, you see.
Everyone on the family tree. They invited the lot - even us.
- I didn't know them before this weekend. - Have you found anybody worth it?.
Anybody you'd cross the street for if it weren't family?.
A good question.
..As Charles said, we're all involved in the family karaoke...
I so nearly didn't come.
- Raymond! - Raymond!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Raymond!
Jesus!
Hi, Mum. Hi, Uncle Bill.
- I thought I'd miss all this. - No chance.
We were in the car ready to leave, then your father says he's having second thoughts.
- Never thought he'd get this far. - I've been in there three times.
- You try and get him out. - Right.
You look ridiculous. Why do you get yourself all dressed up for them?.
One of us had to go like this and I knew it wouldn't be you.
Come on! You know you want to go.
That certainly is not true. They haven't been near us for years.
It's two nights in a prime West End hotel, free of charge. Can't be bad.
They'll probably put us in the broom cupboard.
The whole Hillingdon contingent on a different floor - above the kitchens.
You're winding yourself up.
- What are you laughing at in this?. - Haven't the foggiest.
- Why do you have it up?. - I like the stone beasts.
I don't believe you're not a bit curious.
Food should be good.
- Is Uncle Bill behind?. - Yup. He's right there.
The Hillingdon contingent is going to arrive together.
You've had no contact with the family?. There's nothing you haven't told me?.
No.
So why are they having this reunion now?.
I think the old bastard Ernest suddenly got interested in family - roots, genealogy.
He wants to bring everyone together.
It must be costing him a lot. You can do that when you're rich.
- Will you have trouble recognising them?. - Maybe. But ignorance has a certain charm.
We won't know whose marriage has broken up or who's got off with whom.
Yeah, you're right. Very few of them will know who I am.
Or rather nobody will know what I do.
I could be anything. I could pass myself off as something completely different.
- (HORN HONKS) - Bill! Where's he going?.
Wise bugger. Thought better of it.
He obviously knows something we don't.
Where the hell's the bloody entrance?. That car's going to be clamped. Ridiculous!
Jesus! Trying to find somewhere to park is impossible. We've been round in circles.
We can arrange to have your car taken to our car park, sir. I just need your name.
Symon - with a Y. Yet another Symon. Raymond Symon.
I'm part of this family gathering you're having.
- You are having one?. - Very much so, sir.
Mr Raymond Symon. You don't seem to be here, sir.
I've got Mr Ronald Symon and Mr Reginald Symon, but no Raymond Symon.
No, I don't have you here. Not on the main list and not even on the supplementary list.
Splendid. I can go home. Come on, you lot. Incredible good luck. We can go home.
It's all right. This gentleman here... It is Raymond, isn't it?.
I'm Poppy, married to Tony. I'll show you how we join up in a moment.
He's on the appendix - labelled "assorted extras" because he was so late replying.
We like everybody to do this.
According to Stephen, we met when I was a child, you and me.
I can't remember it. Funny what you remember, isn't it?.
Some things stick forever, others leave no impression at all.
Blimey! I had no idea how far the family went.
Red pins indicate those already here,
yellow those that are expected, blue - cancellations or refusals.
No drawing pin means you're dead!
We have to own up to a cancellation. My brother Bill sadly couldn't make it.
In that case, if you could put a blue one in there, please?. Daniel?.
You'll find him over there. Are you all right, Mr Degazi?.
Mr Degazi's waiting for his printout.
Everyone has a printout - a list of the people who want to meet you.
Because of the shortage of time, we thought it was a good idea.
Ernest has cast the net very wide, which has made our job rather difficult.
Goodness, you are popular, Mr Degazi.
Here's your schedules. As you can see, there's a lot going on.
Only a couple of things are a three-line whip - buffet tonight, banquet tomorrow.
And Stephen Symon, family archivist - meeting him. There's a slot for you at 6.15.
Will you try to make that?. He puts so much effort into it.
And you'll need one of these - a family tree.
They come in two sizes. You can choose.
- Most people prefer the big one. - A big one's fine.
You can pin it up in your room. We've hung boards especially.
And you'll need plenty of these.
Oh, dear. Only one name on each of these.
Never mind. You were very late in replying.
It's just up here. There's one tiny problem.
Not everyone's staying here, but a lot are,
so it wasn't possible to get you rooms together.
One room is on the main floor where most of the family are.
The other rooms are in another part of the hotel.
The big room's very nice, so you may want to take that.
One room's near the family and the other one isn't?.
We'll take the one that's miles away.
Maybe that is best. Let another couple who know the family better have it.
- Daniel, why don't you take the big room?. - Really?.
- Pity to waste it. - OK. With pleasure.
(PHONE RINGS)
- (RAYMOND) We're in the broom cupboard. - You wanted it that way.
You wanted a small room so you could complain.
Absolutely. This is infinitely preferable. We don't get loads of relatives popping in.
- Your room's fantastic, is it? - It is stunning, yeah.
(WAILING CRY)
Who's on your printout? The one who's panting to see you.
The person who can't wait to see me is ernest's son - the son and heir.
Can 't imagine why he'd want to do that. Who have you got?
- Daniel?. - Oh, it's... Hang on.
Irving. Irving Matthew Symon. Know who he is?.
(WAILING CONTINUES)
- Give me your number. I'll call you back. - Busy already?
- No. I've just got to do something. - 128.
No!.
Sorry. I thought it was for me.
I was just...
(KNOCKING)
(MAN) Great. Just stick it over there. That'd be marvellous.
I'm Rebecca. Who are you?.
I'm Daniel. I'm next-door, just here.
- Daniel Symon. - Ooh! So you are family, great.
Daniel?. Right. We must work out how exactly we're connected in a moment.
Have you been done yet?.
- Processed by Poppy. - Just now.
You've got your red drawing pins, then?. I'd be lost without mine.
I expect we get fined if we don't pin our trees up. Poppy probably inspects!
What were you doing loitering in the hall?.
- I heard something. A noise. - A noise?. That sounds exciting.
I love the things you hear in hotels, don't you?. Other people's moans of passion.
- Who are you talking to? - Daniel. He's next-door.
Come in and meet my brother Charles.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
Nothing to interrupt. We're just waiting for the next moment on the schedule.
They put me next door, but Rebecca's been given the nicer room.
- Please. - Oh.
Our tree is scandalously still lying there.
- Daniel?. - Sorry. I was just...
Thinking how great it is there are some people under 60. That's what I'm thinking.
We keep bumping into oddly-shaped people who claim to be our relations.
I feel Daniel may be thinking, how come we don't know each other?.
We're close in age, but we've never met.
- Yes. I know why we haven't. - Still weird though.
So we really should do the ceremonial pinning up.
Well...I'm Raymond's son.
We're the ones who live in remotest Hillingdon.
Ah-ha. Yes.
Black sheep. That great phrase.
Wasn't somebody the black sheep?. Your grandfather?. Went off and did his own thing?.
I believe so.
So what do you do, Daniel from Hillingdon?.
- What do I do?. - Yes.
You don't seem sure. Are you changing or were you going to make something up?.
It had crossed my mind I might do that. No. I'm a surveyor.
Really?. A surveyor of property?. Truly?.
- Yes. - That's really interesting.
- That's not how most people react. - It is interesting.
Going into other people's homes, seeing how they live,
going into their bedrooms, looking at their photos.
Come on, Charles. Crack open the mini-bar for Daniel.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?.
- It's for you. - For me?.
- How does anybody know I'm here?. - Probably cameras.
Ernest is probably sitting somewhere
watching hundreds of screens, zooming in and out.
- Hello. - Daniel Symon?
- Yes. - It's Irving Symon. I'd like to meet you.
We are going to meet at 6.45. You're on the printout.
- Why wait till then? - Irving Symon?.
Don't let him try to sell you anything.
It's just I've got this appointment with Stephen at 6.15.
It'll be over by then. Take ten minutes.
You can't miss Stephen. Poppy will never forgive you.
115 minutes max and I'll be out of the way. You can forget all about it.
Where are you?.
Hi! Daniel. Irving.
Thought we'd get it over with before it gets dark.
Come in. Come in.
Come in.
What are you doing over there?. It's not what it looks like.
Those are some things I have in transit.
They're waiting to be shipped out. All I have to decide is where they're going.
- They're samples. - Are you in fashion?.
Amongst other things. You'll have a drink?.
- I've got this appointment. - Oh, the appointment.
Yes. I believe the schedule's quite tight. You know, Poppy's schedule.
Right. Since you have an appointment...
Since you have so little time, we'd better take a short cut.
Where are we going?.
- It'll take two ticks. - I'm not sure I've got time.
This is my short cut. Chop chop. You won't regret it.
This family once had properties all over London.
- Prime sites. - I didn't know that.
I'm very ignorant about family history. We've been in Hillingdon.
Up to 11 properties in the glory days - up to the early '80s, in fact.
Everywhere you look, property. I was no part of that. I'm self-made.
Almost entirely, for better or worse - mostly for worse.
You'll be wondering, "Self-made at what??'
Well, it's a bit of a meld. A total meld - comes together sometimes.
Sometimes it's a whole bloody disaster - edge of the cliff stuff. You any the wiser?.
- Irving! We should do this another time. - Rubbish! It's not much further.
Here we are.
Quick butcher's in here...
..and we're through.
So...there's no electricity.
We'll have to be quick, before darkness falls.
- Irving... - You'll have to get cracking.
No need for any preamble. Just get weaving.
At what?.
Bloody hell! Do I have to spell it out to you?.
You're the surveyor and I've bought this building,
which could be a reasonable investment or a total bloody disaster.
I've had it surveyed, but all surveyors are liars, all architects, all builders.
But you're family - you wouldn't lie to me.
Come on. What's your opinion?.
- That's why you wanted to see me?. - What other reason could there be?.
The floor I'm particularly worried about.
Couldn't believe my luck. A surveyor who's a cousin - what could be better?.
Now I'll get the truth. And these walls. Are these joists OK?.
The all-important words, "Nothing structurally wrong."
You're family and you'll tell me.
- Is everything all right, sir?. - You're late, Daniel.
You're so late they gave away our slot.
- We have to wait our turn. - Sorry. I had to go on an excursion.
- I was hoping we could skip it. - But your mother was rather keen to stay.
Perhaps you could wait outside if you're going to talk?.
No, no, it's quite all right. We don't mind at all. Please talk if you want.
It's Raymond, isn't it?. Hasn't it been years?.!
As there are only a few more, we'll proceed.
(WHISPERING) I think she's rather enjoying this.
- Are you sure, dear?. - Yes. Look...
There we are. Do you remember that studio?. What a business it was, wasn't it?.
Do you want a chocolate?. We have absolutely loads here.
- They're the boots. - Oh, yes.
Goodness, do you remember the fuss about our boots?.
Right.
Thank you, Stephen. Thank you so much for that. That was extremely interesting.
We're so very grateful, aren't we, Edith?. And I'm sure Grace is too.
See you later. It'll be lovely to catch up.
Come on, dear.
Ernest is disposing of the remaining two family properties in London.
We want to find out whether there's anything Ernest has
that other members of the family have not seen,
which feature them or may be of interest to them.
- Is that clear?. - Yes.
Since I have taken on the role of family archivist, I am Archive Man!
So that's why I'm up here and you're down there.
I've a rather pitiful amount for you, Raymond.
Your father's lack of contact after a point will make this a rather quick showing.
Tomorrow I'm doing a talk for people who want to pursue their pedigree,
aimed at those who have married into the family
because obviously I don't have much for them.
So...what do I have for you?.
Raymond.
- This is you, Raymond. - We've seen that one.
- Again, this is you. - We've got this.
Maybe he's got what you're looking at. Have you got what they're looking at?.
We may indeed have what you were looking at.
Who's that?.
- Your grandfather. - I don't remember him like that.
I can't remember him much, but I'm sure he never looked like that.
He certainly never looked like that. I don't remember him ever being like that.
I don't think there's a possibility that we were looking at him in the other photo.
I'd never have forgotten that.
What's he doing?.
The hat!
There you are, Raymond, with your father.
You see...he was dancing for you.
For you, Daniel... I'm sorry, we don't seem to have been properly introduced.
For you, it's just a few versions of the same picture.
- Who's that?. - It is you.
- Is it me?. - Yes.
- God knows where you are. - It must be a party.
I've no memory of taking you like that to any party.
(RAYMOND) Nope. Nor me.
(DANIEL) It's a fantastic picture.
But I never wore anything like that. I wish I could remember where it was.
Oh, those shoes. If I'd seen those wonderful shoes, I'm sure I would have remembered.
It says, "Black Lodge 1970-something" with a smudge.
But I don't think it is. I think it's Grosvenor Place.
- Are you sure it's me?. - Don't be silly.
Best leave all that behind.
Time for food, for the compulsory buffet.
Daniel?.
I'll see you at the buffet.
Hi, Daniel.
- Are you ready for the buffet?. - The ordeal.
- Are you prepared to meet "the family"?. - Will it be that bad?.
You've done Stephen and Irving. How was it?.
Did he make you a partner in one of his businesses?. He usually offers.
Irving was weird, but Stephen was interesting - very funny, great.
Great?. Stephen will be thrilled. Not many people say that.
- Did he have anything for you?. - Yes.
It wasn't you on the beach. He specialises in beach shots.
Yes. Awful pictures of one as a toddler with this huge pot belly sticking out.
No. No beach shots, but he did have these fantastic pictures of me as a boy.
- But I have no memory of them being taken. - Did you ask him for a copy?.
- He could probably do you a postcard. - I might just do that.
I feel I ought to change after crawling around with Irving.
- Does it show?. - No, you look lovely.
I know it says the buffet isn't black tie, but I've only brought two suits with me
and this is one of them, so I...
- I've got to change. - You'd better hurry.
By Poppy's schedule, you have three and a half minutes.
(QUIET TAP)
- (WOMAN) Who is it? - It's Daniel.
Daniel Symon. I got a message.
I told you you had plenty of time. I'm still thinking about what you told me.
Could be we may have a little bit of business to discuss.
Thank you for coming.
This isn't all for me. Ernest's suite is through there.
- (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) - The suites open into each other.
They do that, I'm told, so if a sultan comes with his entourage
they need never got out into the passage and so can avoid getting bumped off.
- Oh, right. - I've been given all these flowers.
I don't think people feel comfortable giving Ernest flowers.
- You haven't met him?. - No.
When you do, you'll see what I mean.
- Wondering why you're here?. - No. Well...
I just wanted to say hello because we've never met. You look disappointed.
No. That's not me looking disappointed. I'm delighted to meet you.
Good. And me you.
You were so prompt at answering my note, I haven't quite finished doing this, so...
- You don't mind?. - Of course not.
Please help yourself to a drink. The mini-bar's open. Take anything.
I'll just have some water.
- I'm sure we'll be drinking down there. - I'm sure we will.
I like to bring my own music - one of the few things I have with me wherever I go.
It's been years since I've seen your parents. You're an only child, aren't you?.
Yes.
- Seen anything interesting yet?. - Sorry.
I can't help it, really. It's my training. I'm a surveyor.
- Are you ready to meet "the family"?. - That makes it sound like a threat.
It must be rather odd for you. All these people you don't know who you're related to.
It is a bit weird. I seem to have met the more eccentric members of the family so far.
- Right. - Apart from you, of course.
- You've also met Rebecca and Charles. - Yes, I have.
It's like we've known each other all our lives. I can't explain it.
Not yet, anyway.
I hope you don't think this is too "organised"?.
No. I like it being organised. It gives one a chance to find out things.
Precisely.
Mind you, if I'd been totally in charge of the arrangements,
it might have been more fun - more like a party.
I still love dancing.
- I must ask you a little favour. - Of course. What can I do?.
I wondered if you'd be my escort down to the buffet.
It would be an honour.
- We look OK, don't we?. - Yeah. I think we look great.
Right.
So here's your family, Daniel.
(NOISY HUBBUB OF VOICES)
So that's what he's been up to.
- Remember anybody?. - Possibly.
A few faces from my childhood, which was the last time I saw anybody.
A few little twinges.
Stick close to me. Maybe I can be of some use. Guide you through.
Raymond?. Raymond. It's been years.
- Is everything OK with you?. - Everything's fine.
Things... Things...
Yes?.
Things... You know...
-..on the up now?. - Never been better.
See you later. Let's make a start here.
We need to borrow you, Alice. You've got to come and hear this.
It's Jeremy. We haven't seen each other for eight years and yet we go to the same gym.
And we go to the same dentist. Jeremy! Jeremy!
That's Ernest, if you're wondering.
- That's our host?. - Yes.
Ernest and Alice are our hosts. He's not much to look at, is he?.
He's the one who's made all this possible.
The moon-shaped overgrown schoolboy is his son, Peter.
I'm Sidney. Don't worry. I know who you are.
- You're looking distinctly lost. - Yes. I've been parted from my guide.
- So I was wondering... -..How to reach the other side of the room.
How to get across there and make a real pig of yourself.
That's what we're all wondering.
Raymond, it's so marvellous you're here.
I'm always saying, "We haven't heard from Raymond."
Or saying, "I wonder if Raymond is all right."
Wasn't there something...?. I mean...is everything OK?.
Oh, I'm sure it is. You know life's little ups and downs. We all have them.
Is everything OK now, Raymond?.
There have been plenty of ups because Hillingdon is the happiest place in Britain.
It's true. There's been a survey and Hillingdon was on top.
- Good Lord! Hillingdon?. Are you sure?. - Yes. Positive.
If you'll excuse me?.
Can't they think of anything else to ask?.
- It's all right. - It's not all right.
I was worried this room would be too small. We should have taken the Eisenhower Room.
It's great everyone being squashed together. Makes it more lively.
Irving. Sidney. Still hanging around together?.
We hardly see each other.
I've seen your boy. Seems to know what he's talking about. I may be making him an offer.
An offer?. What kind of offer?.
No. It has to be under wraps at the moment.
So, Raymond, is...everything fine?.
Are things better now?. You should have given me a call.
It's been years, Raymond. Never been in touch.
I heard one or two things. Difficulties?.
You've been experiencing business problems, have you not?.
A bit hellish, was it?.
You should have given me a shout. I would have helped.
Actually, the last couple of years have been fantastic. They've been stupendous.
Best years of my life.
You two should be mingling.
But we're next to the most desirable thing in the room here.
Are you already an authority on everybody?.
No. I was about to be. Alice was going to be my guide.
Alice?. That was quick work.
- You got separated?. - Yeah.
Doesn't it make you feel great to think these people are your flesh and blood?.
Excuse me. Just got to get some pudding.
It feels like I'm on duty the whole time. Glad you're hard at it though.
- Once you get started, it's fun. - Fun?.
Sometimes it's a bit more serious than that. Not all fun and games.
We have something in common here. Daniel, this is our mother.
Hello. Such a squash.
Poppy with all her schedules and charts and yet she can't hire a big enough room.
You'd think they'd know how many were coming. It's a shambles.
I'm going to get some air.
Short and sweet. That's our mother.
Raymond, how nice to see you. Everything OK?.
- No. - Oh?.
- Just kidding. Everything's marvellous. - Very good.
You know my son Peter?. And my wife Nazik.
Of course you do. When did you last meet them?.
- It must be years. - Excuse us.
(SHE SPEAKS FRENCH)
I believe we have a meeting tomorrow. The only appointment I've got.
Is that a yes?.
Great. I'm looking forward to it.
- Do you see that man with the bald head?. - Yeah.
That's Henry. Shall I tell you about Henry?.
Yes.
He walked out on his family four years ago.
His wife said that supper was on the table. You know, "Supper's ready!"
And she heard the door close,
then four years later he turns up working as a doorman in a nightclub in Luton.
"Supper's ready!" And he was gone.
Amazing.
Just like that. The missing man.
Sometimes I think it must be marvellous to do that.
Vanish.
Please don't drink too much.
- He can get quite merry. - That's all right.
No. It's not so good when he gets really merry.
I'd hate him to disrupt things.
It'll be OK.
(INAUDIBLE)
There.
If you think you're the only one, you're crazy.
Alice...
Alice is ernest's sister-in-law.
- And Sidney... Where is Sidney? - (PHONE RINGS)
Hello.
- Have you got some milk? - What?.
You said you had a fantastic room.
No doubt it's fully-stocked, so have you got milk?.
- Yes, but... - Good. Bring it along.
You can buzz over with it.
- It's really late. Ring for room service. - Bollocks. It'll take hours. Troll over.
You can have a hot chocolate.
(WOMAN WEEPS AND MOANS)
Oh, sorry. I thought it might be something for me.
(INDISTINCT VOICES)
It's not for me.
Daniel?.
Daniel?. Are you doing room service?.
In a way. It's my father. He's too impatient to wait.
Quite right. We're off. Do you want to come?.
Sure. I mean, it depends where to. My father...
We're going to the house at 40 Grosvenor Street.
40 Grosvenor Street?. Yes, I would like to go there. Why now?. It's one in the morning.
Minty looks after it and she's fussed about setting the alarm, so we said we'd check it.
- And let Minty go on enjoying herself here. - You coming?.
(KNOCKING)
- There it is. - There it is.
Oh. This is Rebecca and Charles, my cousins... Our cousins.
- Hi. - Hello.
If we've ever met before, you were probably babies.
- Come along in. - No. We can't. See you in the morning.
You can have tea or hot chocolate. Come into my palatial room.
We're going somewhere. I've already held them up. Gotta go.
Too busy for hot chocolate, eh?. All right. Off you go. Dance the night away.
I might do the same.
Minty! Ridiculous, aren't they, all the old family names?.
- Wasn't there a Babar?. - Yeah.
And didn't Ernest have a driver called Jugs?.
- And a nanny called Blutie. - Yes. All the old retainers.
And there was a Smidger and a Cogger and a Peterbin...
- Smooth Harry. - Never met him. Wonder who he was.
Short cut. Quickest way to the house.
There.
Come on. It's not far.
I'm surprised they're not calling now.
"Is everything OK?. Are things on the up at last??'
One of the jolly sisters will probably pop by.
Just leave it. They're only making small talk.
Difficult to know what to say when you haven't seen someone for 20 years.
I don't find it difficult. I don't see why they should.
What they really want to say is, "We heard you were bankrupt.
"Amazed you haven't topped yourself."
It doesn't matter.
- Yes, it does! - What are you doing?.
I have a craving which if it doesn't get satisfied will have huge consequences.
Nearly there.
There we are.
(ALARM SOFTLY BEEPS)
(REBECCA) Jesus, it's cold in here. Much colder in here than it is out there.
- Charles, stop that. - Minty's code is simple.
9-9-9... Er...
- Oh, yeah. 9. - (BEEPING STOPS)
- Alice's flat first. - Alice's?.
- This is her London home. - Except tonight.
Everyone has to be together tonight.
Right...
Are you looking for anything in particular?.
Anything intriguing. Any surprises.
Daniel's used to going into other people's houses.
- Any sign of lovers, for instance?. - Yeah.
Alice and lovers. That's interesting. Don't worry, it's OK - she's a widow.
You mean she's allowed a lover?.
- Daniel doesn't approve. - Quite right. We'll stop.
We've drawn a blank anyway.
This is the bit that's been locked up.
(CHILDReN'S LAUGHTeR)
This is where it was. The picture!
- This is where I was. - You've been here before?.
He's been here before.
Can you remember what was happening?.
No. It won't come back.
Ah. I'm looking for some scrambled eggs. How do I get them at this time of night?.
Can you help me?. Most kind. Thank you.
It's in a dreadful state.
They managed to turn it into somewhere really sad.
Bloody hell. Hideous thing.
There's something terrible about houses that are waiting to be disposed of.
Waiting to have their insides torn out.
Minty's hardly been dusting it very hard.
My God.
Wow.
This used to be the centre of everything. The great town house.
They thought they'd be a power in London life -
political circles, the arts, members of government - sort of mini-Rothschilds.
Sometimes they got close, but it never quite happened.
- Ernest has still got loads of money. - God, yes.
His second wife had her own fortune, so they're still drowning in money -
pots and pots.
It's amazing the sort of squalor really rich people will tolerate.
(REBECCA) Money.
- You wouldn't mind some money?. - Certainly not. I wouldn't mind at all.
Surveying properties in Hillingdon and Isleworth is surprisingly interesting,
but some serious money, I wouldn't say no to that.
- Your grandfather had money, didn't he?. - Yeah.
My dad lost it all.
You never know, you might be Ernest's bastard son.
- Think what Stephen would make of these. - Stephen?. "Archive Man"?.
It's not all fun and games, you know. Far from it.
These are all too stained for him.
Wouldn't meet his standards.
- Great leather coat. From the '80s. - Have it.
- No. - It's not stealing.
- I can hardly see Ernest wearing it. - Try it on.
It really suits you.
How about some boots?.
Jesus, look at this.
This is the shoe I wore in the picture.
I was here.
- You again?. You're on 24 hours a day?. - How can I help you, sir?.
- I have a desire that I need to satisfy. - And what might that be?.
Scrambled eggs. Room service can't cope with that.
If room service can't help, we may have a problem.
Alice. You here?. It's nearly two o'clock in the morning.
I never need much sleep. I often go for a walk late at night, but it's raining.
I was waiting, hoping it would stop.
- Right. - And what about you?.
I'm trying to get some scrambled eggs, but apparently it's a crazy request.
A club sandwich can be arranged, sir, or even a turkey baguette.
- Shall I try?. - You try?. Why not?.
She's here to ask for some scrambled eggs. Think very carefully before you answer.
Maybe it would be easier to do it without an audience.
OK. I'll shove off over there. If possible, really buttery.
- They'll be along soon. - Just like that.
Extraordinary. What's your secret?.
- I've stayed here before once or twice. - And you're not wearing a dressing gown.
- We could be waiting here for hours. - We'll see.
Thank you anyway.
The last time I saw you, you were a young woman
Iying on a lawn with your shoes off reading "Punch".
- Don't put a date to it. - I was rather terrified of you.
So you didn't talk to me. That's why I don't remember.
- You're right. I daren't approach. - Do you think it's terrible, this weekend?.
- Do you think it's a big mistake?. - No, not terrible.
- But for me... - Yes?.
You know...people keep asking for news.
- You haven't. Everyone else has. - And that's difficult?.
- You don't know?. - No.
I had a little business difficulty.
My father had this furniture business. Surely you remember?.
My rebel father setting up in Hillingdon.
A Utopian firm - stylish office furniture for the masses.
When he died, I had some very good offers. I refused.
During the recession I poured in all the money he left me.
I insisted on only having workers over 50 because of long-term unemployment.
In the teeth of all prevailing fashion, I was determined to make it work.
We went bust. We lost everything. They all lost their jobs.
Some were worse off than before because they'd taken out mortgages.
Some marriages broke up. It was purely and simply a disaster.
But a defiant one - a gesture against the times.
Yes.
Something your father would have understood.
Maybe.
That's amazing.
Alice, that's a true achievement.
That is supremely wonderful.
- Thank you. - You'll have to call off your walk.
Becks, look.
- What a weird thing to find. - Isn't it just?.
Maybe they had secret jamming sessions!
Yeah! Ernest on lead guitar, Violet on the keyboards! Maybe Stephen on the drums.
Irving would have been lead singer - kind of Meatloaf.
Alice would have been on the tambourine - kind of genteel.
If we burrow around hard enough, we might find another shoe.
Maybe even the whole costume.
Rebecca, didn't you ever come here for a children's party?.
We might have been here together.
I don't remember coming here. If I had, you would have been a very tiny boy.
If I'd been eight, you would have been four.
- Judging by the photo, I was about five. - Then I was nine.
There's such a difference at that age. I wouldn't have talked to a five-year-old.
When you look at the family, Raymond, it's such an extraordinary mix.
- You can say that again! - Does it make sense to bring it together?.
The Jewish core's been diluted for ages.
Several of my husband's siblings married non-Jews.
So did my father. So did I.
And as for my husband, he tried so hard to play the country squire.
You should have seen him hunting in his scarlet tunic.
He was quite portly, so he had to squeeze - really squeeze.
His tunic seemed to be a brighter shade of scarlet than anybody else's,
so you could always pick him out, even at a distance.
My bobbing, bright-red husband.
So we've done that. No need to do it again for another 20 years.
- Why do you say that?. - 'Cause it's true.
I doubt I'll be around the family after this.
So it is that bad, being here?.
Yes. It was very kind of you to pretend to know so little about my problems.
- I wasn't pretending... - Please.
(CHARLES) Does anybody fancy breakfast?. (DANIEL) Where?. Here?.
You work here, don't you?. In one of these.
The Treasury?. The Foreign Office?.
Which one?.
- Foreign Office. - Not bad.
I'm either right or I'm not.
I was right! Do you work here too?.
No. I'm buried away in a sleepy stately home outside London,
monitoring foreign broadcasts.
- Oh, a spy. That's what you are. - No. If only.
So... What have we got here?.
Coffee - the only drinkable coffee in the Foreign Office.
And some grapefruits...and the inevitable white wine, which I'm going to have.
- Great office. - Nice doors. The rest is crap.
Charles is head of all things European - very cutting edge.
Not quite all things.
I'd been abroad a lot.
I was due to do my two years desk bound, so here I am.
This is what I imagined. I've been trying to guess what you did.
Of course it had to be public service. Speaking languages. Big desk, powerful job.
- Grapefruit?. - It's so right for you, Charles.
And he's only known me a few hours.
I'm sorry, I didn't ask. Does anybody want any wine?.
No.
I'm much too old to stay up all night.
It's amazing. We're alone apart from the security guards.
I know it's Sunday, but there's no round-the-clock working.
You really want this house, don't you?. You want it to be yours.
(WAILING)
(DANIEL) Of course.
I knew it was you.
Bad dream?.
- No. Quite the contrary. - Coffee's ready.
Do I have any takers for grapefruit?.
Oh. Apparently not.
Thank you.
- We'd better say goodbye. - Goodbye?.
I've got to leave. There's trouble at work.
- It's Sunday. - I'm sure we'll keep in touch.
- You can't go. - I can't?.
Not before the banquet. It is forbidden.
- I've got special permission. - Stephen has something for you.
- What sort of thing?. - Something as good as my picture.
I haven't seen your picture. I can't deal with Stephen today.
I'll get it for you. You just have to promise to stay for it.
Many people think of pedigree hunters as detectives,
except we start with the present and work backwards.
And there is sometimes a thrill attached.
Just like detectives, we can be seduced by false trails.
We are now very familiar with how the Internet helps with our family trees,
but the same mistakes occur there too.
Just because it's the same surname and the right region of the country
doesn't mean you're related.
People have travelled the world in search of lost relations and been disappointed.
- You looked really into it. - You've been watching me?.
- You're turning into a student. - Stephen let me have these.
So what's this?.
Excuse me.
Got to dash.
Stephen?. Stephen. I need to ask you something.
Bit of a rush now. Need to have a wash, so if you don't mind seeing that...
- I loved the pictures you found of me. - Good.
They're the only ones we have of you...
..but they are corkers, yes.
I'm amazed you've brought all this.
I do like to have things...
..at my fingertips.
That's better.
So...
..what did you need to see me about?.
I wondered - or rather Rebecca wondered... She's having a mini-crisis at work.
..whether you had anything for her as good as my pictures.
Something startling that she doesn't know.
- Something startling?. - Yeah.
I only answer questions from the person involved to protect confidentiality.
This is a direct request. It's just via me.
Do you want to know what the most startling thing in the room is?.
- Yes, of course. - Then it's about me.
- About you?. - Without a doubt.
- That's not what you wanted to hear. - No. That's great.
I'm trying to think what you're referring to.
Over there. That book.
No. The green one.
Open it.
Careful.
- Is this is?. What's so surprising?. - Because it's all lies.
- All lies?. - What does it tell you?.
Looks like maybe the work of a child.
When in the last 100 years would you really want to make up a whole family tree?.
Oh, of course. In Nazi Germany.
Ingeborg.
Wie hie denn deine Mutter mit Madchennamen und wo kam sie hier?.
- Caroline Ma, sie kam aus Berlin. - Heinz?.
- Maria Muller, hie sie. - Renate.
Karen Behrens und sie kam aus Dusseldorf.
Ifyou're a Jewish family in Nazi Germany just before the outbreak of war
and you don't look particularly Jewish,
then a false identity's a possibility - a new genealogy.
It's risky, of course.
Marti n!
Wie hei t denn dei ne Mutter mit Madchennamen?.
He had to know it off by heart, but not so well it seemed glib.
Your father's name and birthplace was easy. So was your mother's maiden name.
But what about her mother's maiden name?.
Und wie heit deren Mutter?.
Sie heit...Christine....
Christine Huber.
Und sie kommt... Sie kommt aus...
Meisenheim.
Martin, komm mal her.
Kinder, hier habt ihr ein Prachtexemplar.
He says this is a wonderful example of an Aryan head.
It's using a family tree as a weapon.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
A priest teaches at the school.
Religious instruction.
He comes upon the boy reading a book - a book about giraffes.
The priest befriends the boy.
Gute Arbeit, mei n Junge.
The priest needed somebody to help him, but he liked the company
as he spends a lot of time making a register of all the parishioners' antecedents.
The authorities were determined to know the descent of every citizen in public service.
And the boy wanted to keep the priest company because he loved books,
especially the beautiful old animal books.
He didn't tell the priest?. He can't have told the priest the truth?.
Was ist heute los mit dir?. Du bist so bedruckt.
He told the priest because he wanted to tell someone.
It was too big a secret.
- Ja. - Und...
Ich... Ich...
Ich komme aus einer judischen Familie.
Three days later, whether it is a complete coincidence or not,
the boy is coming back from school with his young sister.
- He tells the little girl to run away. - Why didn 't they both run?
Would you have left your parents? It's easier to tell someone else to.
The little girl disappears, and although the police search, she'd gone.
Vanished off the face of the earth.
She hadn 't gone far, in fact. She'd had the most amazing piece of luck.
She'd ran into a flat
and the elderly lady there had hidden her.
A few hours later, the lady took her to her sister -
her childless sister who had always longed for children.
This woman fell in love with the girl, passed her off as her niece,
but became the little girl's mother.
Unbelievable good fortune. But...
What the little girl still had to do...
She had to teach herself a whole new family tree.
(SHE MURMURS NAMES SOFTLY)
(DANIeL) Dieter Rohl...
So this is the girl's tree?.
Dieter Wetter...
Petra Wetter...
She was your mother, wasn't she?.
Yes, indeed, she was my mother.
Did the boy survive?. Did he?. Because the book is here.
- He did, didn't he? - No. The rest of the family were killed.
The book is here because after the war...
Gott ist fur sie da...
Entschuldigung, kann ich ihnen vielleicht dieses Modebuch...
Nein, danke.
- Bitte. - Danke.
I never really talked to my mother about the story till she was dying.
It's quite amazing how one leaves these things too late.
That's why I have become a pedigree hunter - the Archive Man of the family.
I have the zeal of a convert.
Anyway, that's the story. That's the best I can do for you, Daniel.
Thank you.
- And Rebecca?. - Not today.
Not before the banquet.
I had no idea where I was then or what was happening.
- What time is it?. - Time you were ready.
Now?.
I thought it was about lunchtime.
Means I've missed my appointment with Peter.
I was having the most extraordinary dream.
About my parents.
Everybody was shouting.
Surprised I've got any voice left.
Jesus, these are boringly arranged.
Come on, Sid. Come and have a tipple. Help you through the banquet.
Excellent. I thought one might be on offer.
Amazing who you're pleased to discover you're related to - and who you're not.
And who you've forgotten all about.
Careful. Don't turn into a pushy little shit.
But then one never knows.
Have you seen the seating plan?. Poppy can't even get the names right.
Somebody's had to change the numbers.
Stephen wouldn't give me anything for you.
You've kept me here under false pretences?.
Actually, Charles said I had to be here.
I've got my lucky charm. Somebody might remember it.
Like Cinderella in reverse. You know who it fits, but not who gave it to you.
Sorry. Hang on. I'm so sorry. Sorry.
Excuse me.
- There's nothing I could do about it. - What's all the fuss?.
- You're going to change. - I never wear a dinner jacket.
You are going to change!
I cannot believe you. What were you trying to prove?.
Can you pass me the dead thing?. The squashed thing?.
- What?. The tie?. - Yes.
Do you mean the tie?. You can't even say that. Stand up.
For God's sake. How have you managed to drink so much already?.
I'm very pleased to find you at this table, but we don't know each other.
I'm Daniel, Raymond's son. We live outside London.
People are sitting at the wrong tables.
I spent so much time on the right groupings.
Poppy thinks someone's been changing her table plan.
She should be on table seven.
How childish. Why should anybody do a thing like that?.
Who knows?. Fortunate for me though.
So I was wrong. We're sharing another meal.
Yes. I'm very pleased, naturally.
I don't think she expected us at her table.
I don't know why you should feel that. It is a surprise - a good one, of course.
Thank you very much.
I'm here because, as you all know, Ernest our host doesn't like making speeches.
Although we'll see about that!
I hope you will take this opportunity of doing so.
The idea here is sort of a family karaoke.
What's been happening to you?. Come up here and tell us.
With a family so rich in history and events, we should have a great time.
So who's going to be really brave?. Who's going to be first?.
Don't be shy. Come on. Someone?.
Hello.
- Hello, everyone. - Hello.
I'll be first.
I want to tell you all how full and exciting my life is at the moment.
What with the swimming and the modelling I've been doing, the dancing and the riding.
And, of course, the studying.
- Such a modest girl. - You should be up there.
I'll begin by talking about my wonderful fiancé and how we met.
- Where do you think it happened?. - Marvellous.
It was actually, and very appropriately, at my absolutely favourite restaurant.
Well done.
So... Seeing me up here, I know a lot of you will be thinking,
"We may find out what he really does with his time. What he actually gets up to."
Well, I would hate to dispel the faint air of mystery that I seem to give off,
so I'm not going to.
Except to say that things continue to go well.
But I am going to give the family two little slices of advice of a financial nature.
Absolutely free of charge.
The first is keep an eye on Malaya.
- Malaya?. - That is my first hot tip.
The second is never ever underestimate people's desire to buy property near water.
Take advantage of flooding. Nobody ever went broke thinking about houses and water.
So what today might seem like a stagnant pond or a sewer of a canal,
tomorrow could be liquid gold.
So my second red-hot tip is sniff out that water.
(LAUGHTER)
Thank you, Irving. Any more takers?. We seem to be doing rather well.
Amazing, the brother and sister. Golden children, aren't they?.
He's so charming and all the rest of it.
..People I haven't seen for years...
(RAYMOND) And she's fantastic.
But the mother is quite the dullest person here.
Looks like my son's in there. Quick work, mate.
Yes. I noticed that too.
Come on. Let's keep the ball rolling. Anyone else?.
What about someone from this side?.
God, no.
Stop him. Please don't let this happen.
Who's going to be next?. Anyone?.
You won't rugby tackle him?.
So... I'm Raymond. Haven't seen you lot for a while.
Some of you may remember my father Lionel pretty vividly.
Yes, I see you do. My papa made the dramatic decision to settle in Hillingdon.
I know a lot of you will not be able to place Hillingdon, so...the Underground map.
Picture the Underground map and then go up.
No. Further. Up, up and away as far as you can imagine.
Up to the thinnest branches, to Pinner and beyond. Now even further.
To Ruislip Manor and the magical Hillingdon!
(LAUGHTER)
It's not a bad place, actually.
I want us to return to that question - "Is everything OK??'
We're all family, after all, even though it's been many years.
As Charles has said, we're all involved in the family karaoke here
and as we've had some pretty easy listening so far, maybe it's time for some hard rock.
A lot of you would have heard about the bold experiment that went wrong.
There's no shame in that, I hear you say, and that's true,
so why do I mention it now?.
I became obsessed with age...
Looking round this room, I thought that might be of some interest.
People are ending their working lives earlier - 51, 52 and on the scrap heap.
That's not a place that most of you are familiar with,
but it exists, oh, yes.
People are told, "You're too old. You're far too old. You're incredibly too old."
But I hired them...
..and it was great.
But when I tried to borrow some more money, I was told, "You're far too old!
"You foolish shit! Crawl away, old man!"
Or words to that effect. # Foolish, I was always foolish... #
Charles has said that there's a lot of history here. You can say that again.
And that uncorked something. Now, I want to take you back...
This won't take long.
My father sent me to a rather sad old boarding school when I was eight.
Lovely old house in the country. It had an orchard that was full of hedgehogs.
Like a storybook England.
Hedgehogs with apples sticking on their backs. Like Beatrix... Beatrix...
- Blyton?. No... Beatrix. - Potter!
- Beatrix... - Potter.
You know what I mean!
The headmaster of the school was a real prick.
So for a dare one day I got a hedgehog and went into school with it under my jumper,
along the corridor, into his private study.
Nobody there. It was wonderfully easy.
The idea was to put it in the drawer of his desk. Boring old fart.
Just as I was doing this - horror of horror...
..the door flies open - and this is absolutely and totally true...
..and there are my parents with the headmaster.
And I'm standing there in the most forbidden place in the school...
..with a hedgehog just pulled out of my jumper
and the bloody animal is peeing and shitting all over his papers
and there's nothing, absolutely nothing I can do.
I'm helpless.
I'm transfixed.
My father...
And my parents, who up to that moment thought I was a model pupil,
are, of course, stunned.
And I felt so foolish, so utterly foolish.
♪ Fool... Foolish
♪ I was always fool... ♪
I never did discover what they were doing there.
My parents.
Can we do depression?.
Karaoke depression and despair?.
I'd like to be able to do that.
There ought to be a way.
Not just happy-pappy things, but...
But saying I too have been there...
..in hell.
Do I have anything up my jumper tonight?. I hear you ask.
Up my shirt is the secret of everything.
I just can't remember what you call it.
You must excuse me. I have to make a call.
He's there. Don't worry.
He's fine. He's just there.
They're calling a doctor. I think he may have had a stroke.
C-Come here.
What?.
I've always wondered what those things are called.
What things?. You mean these things?.
Excuse me. Excuse me!
Could I have everyone out of here?.
He'll be OK, won't he?. He has to be OK.
I thought it was a good speech. I might be the only one, but I did.
If you have to stay around for a bit, that's no great hardship, is it?.
Just remember one thing, Daniel. Everybody always lies.