1 00:00:00,095 --> 00:00:04,742 Sync by: celsojp http://www.addic7ed.com/ 2 00:00:04,743 --> 00:00:07,682 Comunication. It's the word to any successful relationship. 3 00:00:07,683 --> 00:00:08,956 It's true between people, 4 00:00:08,957 --> 00:00:10,712 and between the company and theirs employess. 5 00:00:11,174 --> 00:00:12,426 Debie. 6 00:00:12,959 --> 00:00:14,064 Relax. 7 00:00:14,065 --> 00:00:15,107 Breath. 8 00:00:15,143 --> 00:00:16,885 Turn. 9 00:00:16,886 --> 00:00:18,068 Hello. 10 00:00:18,070 --> 00:00:20,113 I want comunicate to you and idea had bought 11 00:00:20,149 --> 00:00:22,447 - The meals-ready-to-eat project. - I'm sorry. It's my fault. 12 00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:23,843 What's your fault? 13 00:00:23,844 --> 00:00:25,429 I'm not prepared to have a meeting right now. 14 00:00:25,465 --> 00:00:27,091 Oh, no. We're not having a meeting. We're just... 15 00:00:27,127 --> 00:00:28,993 I'm not prepared, I wish I was. 16 00:00:28,994 --> 00:00:32,592 because when I'm not prepared, I get nervous and repeat. 17 00:00:32,816 --> 00:00:33,938 Repeat. 18 00:00:33,939 --> 00:00:36,644 Why don't I just jot my idea down and send it to you? 19 00:00:36,905 --> 00:00:38,657 that would be fantastic. 20 00:00:38,658 --> 00:00:39,971 Fantastic. 21 00:00:42,204 --> 00:00:44,056 She gets a little nervous around me. 22 00:00:44,057 --> 00:00:46,361 Luckily talk with Debie isn't only way to 23 00:00:46,397 --> 00:00:47,618 We communicate around here. 24 00:00:47,619 --> 00:00:50,473 There's also the memo. 25 00:00:50,474 --> 00:00:53,846 memo 314... employees must not use 26 00:00:53,847 --> 00:00:57,427 offensive or insulting language in the workplace. 27 00:00:58,220 --> 00:01:00,323 "Employees must now use offensive or insulting language 28 00:01:00,324 --> 00:01:02,855 in the workplace"? This has to be a mistake. 29 00:01:02,892 --> 00:01:04,623 Why would the company want us to swear at each other? 30 00:01:04,660 --> 00:01:06,815 Well, maybe they're trying to make the people at work 31 00:01:06,851 --> 00:01:11,095 seem more like a real family, butt-munch. 32 00:01:11,592 --> 00:01:13,228 Yeah, this is gonna be good. 33 00:01:13,229 --> 00:01:14,926 Like everything the company does to us, 34 00:01:14,927 --> 00:01:16,825 is got to save money, 35 00:01:16,861 --> 00:01:19,609 maybe when someone's called a "lazy sack of crap," 36 00:01:19,645 --> 00:01:22,902 they work harder so they can just be a "sack of crap." 37 00:01:22,938 --> 00:01:24,481 Oh, this is gonna be a problem. 38 00:01:24,482 --> 00:01:25,985 People here follow memos. 39 00:01:26,021 --> 00:01:29,232 That memo came out saying people have to follow memos. 40 00:01:29,268 --> 00:01:31,385 This one is gonna cause potty-mouth chaos. 41 00:01:31,422 --> 00:01:33,307 Oop, Ted's gearing up for a burst of 42 00:01:33,343 --> 00:01:34,834 middle-management leadership. 43 00:01:34,870 --> 00:01:37,308 Out goes the chest, up goes the chin... 44 00:01:37,344 --> 00:01:39,647 I am going to go get this fixed. 45 00:01:39,648 --> 00:01:41,460 And away. 46 00:01:42,914 --> 00:01:44,393 This whole memo thing 47 00:01:44,429 --> 00:01:46,723 Is bringing up this strange sensation. 48 00:01:47,094 --> 00:01:49,424 It's like my feelings are itchy. 49 00:01:49,460 --> 00:01:51,790 Oh. Sounds like something human is trying 50 00:01:51,826 --> 00:01:55,148 - to fight its way out of you. - Yes, I think it's an emotion... 51 00:01:55,318 --> 00:01:57,834 like joy or spicy food. 52 00:01:57,871 --> 00:02:00,519 Technically, spicy food isn't a... 53 00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:04,069 So what is it about the memo that brings all this up? 54 00:02:06,136 --> 00:02:08,670 well, it reminds me of another memo five years ago, 55 00:02:08,706 --> 00:02:11,091 when I was promoted to this job. 56 00:02:11,128 --> 00:02:12,761 I was up against this man... Walter... 57 00:02:12,797 --> 00:02:14,750 who had the same last name as I do, 58 00:02:14,786 --> 00:02:17,243 although we pronounce it differently. 59 00:02:17,279 --> 00:02:20,082 There's another way to pronounce "Palmer"? 60 00:02:20,118 --> 00:02:22,149 In his family, the "p" is silent. 61 00:02:22,437 --> 00:02:23,964 I think they're dutch. 62 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:27,077 Sounds like their stupid handiwork, with their cheeses 63 00:02:27,113 --> 00:02:29,327 and their giant propeller buildings. 64 00:02:29,363 --> 00:02:32,064 So Walter... "almer"? 65 00:02:32,100 --> 00:02:34,615 I know. Those people are unbelievable. 66 00:02:34,651 --> 00:02:37,860 Anyway, they announced the promotion in a memo, 67 00:02:37,861 --> 00:02:39,572 Congratulating V. Palmer 68 00:02:39,608 --> 00:02:41,797 only then, it went on to wish him well. 69 00:02:41,833 --> 00:02:44,098 I put through the paperwork, but I've never known 70 00:02:44,134 --> 00:02:47,429 whether that job was really meant for me or Walter. 71 00:02:47,465 --> 00:02:50,047 Maybe that itchy feeling you have is guilt. 72 00:02:50,083 --> 00:02:53,156 Guilt is a powerful emotion. Every Thanksgiving, it makes me 73 00:02:53,192 --> 00:02:56,432 take three planes just so i can visit my racist aunt cookie. 74 00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:58,646 So this is guilt, huh? 75 00:02:58,682 --> 00:03:01,011 In the past, I've always just counteracted this feeling 76 00:03:01,047 --> 00:03:04,121 with other emotions, like sugar or drunk. 77 00:03:04,157 --> 00:03:07,333 You should talk Walter. Maybe find some way to help him. 78 00:03:07,369 --> 00:03:09,246 Guilt it is a terrible thing to carry around. 79 00:03:09,701 --> 00:03:12,550 Well, I do hate this feeling. 80 00:03:12,586 --> 00:03:16,182 - I hate it like I hate... - don't tell me. The dutch? 81 00:03:16,258 --> 00:03:19,083 I don't hate the dutch. I love the dutch. 82 00:03:19,084 --> 00:03:22,081 That's why I hold them to a higher standard. 83 00:03:22,988 --> 00:03:24,255 I don't know where this memo came from... 84 00:03:24,291 --> 00:03:26,758 but it's obviously a mistake, so I was hoping human resources 85 00:03:26,794 --> 00:03:29,563 - could put out a correction. - We'll look into the matter. 86 00:03:29,599 --> 00:03:30,716 Really? 87 00:03:30,717 --> 00:03:33,929 No. The company doesn't make mistakes like this, mr. Crisp. 88 00:03:33,965 --> 00:03:37,408 What about that memo announcing "casual fribsday"? 89 00:03:37,445 --> 00:03:39,409 The company said that wasn't a mistake. 90 00:03:39,445 --> 00:03:43,212 They explained that the ancient mayans prophesized fribsday... 91 00:03:43,213 --> 00:03:45,184 the first ever end day of week, 92 00:03:45,220 --> 00:03:47,529 which will occur in 2024, 93 00:03:47,565 --> 00:03:50,785 and the company believes should be celebrated casually. 94 00:03:50,821 --> 00:03:52,669 I'm going to wear a denim pantsuit. 95 00:03:53,568 --> 00:03:56,933 And when they urged all employees to "carpoop"? 96 00:03:56,969 --> 00:03:59,566 That was not mandatory. Thank God. 97 00:03:59,603 --> 00:04:01,303 Although, we did find out what people will do 98 00:04:01,340 --> 00:04:03,116 to park slightly closer to the building. 99 00:04:03,141 --> 00:04:05,329 So you're not gonna help me with this? 100 00:04:05,330 --> 00:04:07,033 Sorry. I like the memo. 101 00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:10,159 All day long, I have to listen to people like you complain. 102 00:04:10,195 --> 00:04:12,301 Now I can finally tell 'em what I think, 103 00:04:12,337 --> 00:04:15,974 - you white-toothed Ken doll. - You know, having white teeth 104 00:04:16,011 --> 00:04:18,446 and looking like a handsome doll is not exactly...' 105 00:04:18,447 --> 00:04:19,918 - turd-hat. - Very enough. 106 00:04:19,954 --> 00:04:22,207 the company wasn't going to retract the memo 107 00:04:22,243 --> 00:04:24,942 telling employees to be rude and abusive, and that meant 108 00:04:24,943 --> 00:04:27,617 things we are going to get very confusing for Phil in lab, 109 00:04:27,653 --> 00:04:30,490 who unfortunately never read their memos. 110 00:04:30,491 --> 00:04:32,155 And so this new line 111 00:04:32,191 --> 00:04:34,337 of meals-ready-to-eat gives the soldier in the field 112 00:04:34,373 --> 00:04:37,077 a portable meal with all the home-cooked flavor of 113 00:04:37,113 --> 00:04:40,609 something mom used to chemically dehydrate and vacuum pack. 114 00:04:40,645 --> 00:04:42,496 I was looking at the ingredients and I was wondering 115 00:04:42,533 --> 00:04:45,443 if there's enough protein content, you boob. 116 00:04:45,444 --> 00:04:47,723 Excuse me? 117 00:04:47,759 --> 00:04:49,291 I was wondering about the protein content. 118 00:04:49,292 --> 00:04:51,040 - But then you said... - You boob. 119 00:04:51,041 --> 00:04:52,135 There is. 120 00:04:52,171 --> 00:04:54,594 I suppose we could add more protein to the thing we call 121 00:04:54,630 --> 00:04:57,073 "beige block three," or "stroganoff." 122 00:04:57,109 --> 00:05:00,522 It's got plenty of protein, you big-eyed stick insect. 123 00:05:00,558 --> 00:05:01,986 The problem is the vegetables. 124 00:05:02,022 --> 00:05:04,385 Okay, fellas, let's just try to keep it under control here. 125 00:05:04,421 --> 00:05:06,858 Don't listen to these bucktoothed hillbillies. 126 00:05:06,894 --> 00:05:08,253 Taste is the real problem. 127 00:05:08,254 --> 00:05:09,794 It's a battlefield, not a four-star restaurant, 128 00:05:09,831 --> 00:05:11,066 back-alley crab muffin. 129 00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:14,305 Okay, I gotta ask... What's going on? 130 00:05:14,341 --> 00:05:17,564 Because this meeting is a lot saucier than the one yesterday. 131 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:19,491 Looks like somebody didn't get the memo. 132 00:05:20,993 --> 00:05:22,342 he asks a simple question 133 00:05:22,343 --> 00:05:24,488 and you give him sarcasm for the eighties? 134 00:05:24,489 --> 00:05:26,257 Here. 135 00:05:26,836 --> 00:05:28,210 oh, it's an actual memo. 136 00:05:28,211 --> 00:05:32,018 They want us to insult each other... sir? 137 00:05:32,958 --> 00:05:34,490 that wasn't a good one. 138 00:05:34,526 --> 00:05:37,158 But in my meetings, that's not going to happen. 139 00:05:37,194 --> 00:05:38,565 But the memo said we had to. 140 00:05:38,601 --> 00:05:40,611 Well, we're not doing it in here, pudberger. 141 00:05:40,647 --> 00:05:43,789 What? That's his last name. 142 00:05:47,723 --> 00:05:49,614 So Veronica went down to the basement... 143 00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:52,648 hoping she'd feel better if she talked to Walter Palmer. 144 00:05:52,684 --> 00:05:54,349 Hello, Walter. 145 00:05:54,350 --> 00:05:56,978 I don't believe it. Veronica Palmer. 146 00:05:57,014 --> 00:05:58,351 I'm sorry, Palmer. 147 00:05:58,387 --> 00:06:00,531 I never could get used to the way you pronounce it. 148 00:06:00,532 --> 00:06:02,055 Here, I brought you a cake 149 00:06:02,091 --> 00:06:03,708 and a jar of herring. 150 00:06:03,745 --> 00:06:04,922 Maybe you can wait until I leave 151 00:06:04,958 --> 00:06:06,768 before you smear the cake with it. 152 00:06:07,293 --> 00:06:08,362 I'm not dutch. 153 00:06:08,398 --> 00:06:09,558 Uh, and the dutch don't smear herring 154 00:06:09,594 --> 00:06:11,622 on half the things you say they do. 155 00:06:11,811 --> 00:06:14,240 But thanks for the cake. Is it my birthday? 156 00:06:14,276 --> 00:06:16,531 I sort of lose track of time down here. 157 00:06:16,567 --> 00:06:19,080 No, I just want to say I've always felt bad 158 00:06:19,117 --> 00:06:21,590 that we had to compete for the same job. 159 00:06:21,591 --> 00:06:25,254 Please. I'm the one who feels bad. I've always hated how I acted 160 00:06:25,290 --> 00:06:27,292 in the bull pen after losing that promotion. 161 00:06:27,416 --> 00:06:29,720 It was not a good impression of you, 162 00:06:29,756 --> 00:06:31,986 and I'm sorry I stretched out your shoes. 163 00:06:31,987 --> 00:06:33,151 Don't worry. 164 00:06:33,187 --> 00:06:35,216 They were the cheap footwear of my former life. 165 00:06:36,395 --> 00:06:39,129 can I buy you something to cheer this place up? 166 00:06:39,130 --> 00:06:41,678 Maybe a lava lamp or a freezer of steaks. 167 00:06:43,363 --> 00:06:44,994 I'm the one who feels guilty 168 00:06:45,031 --> 00:06:46,724 about the way I handled your promotion. 169 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:48,111 Let me make it up to you... 170 00:06:48,147 --> 00:06:50,663 take you out for a drink or something. 171 00:06:50,664 --> 00:06:51,841 Ew. 172 00:06:51,878 --> 00:06:54,954 Are very thoughtful, but I can't. 173 00:06:55,956 --> 00:06:58,186 Oh, I get it. You're still mad at me. 174 00:06:58,223 --> 00:06:59,886 I'm such a jerk. 175 00:06:59,922 --> 00:07:01,697 And I deserve to carry this guilt around 176 00:07:01,733 --> 00:07:03,768 back and forth in this tiny basement. 177 00:07:04,784 --> 00:07:06,797 Okay, I'll have a drink with you. 178 00:07:07,147 --> 00:07:09,104 Any chance you have a bottle down here, 179 00:07:09,141 --> 00:07:11,282 and we can just knock it out right now? 180 00:07:14,638 --> 00:07:17,326 That meeting was chaos. I hate all the name-calling. 181 00:07:17,362 --> 00:07:18,954 And it's nott because my mama is fat 182 00:07:18,991 --> 00:07:20,405 and does sit around the house. 183 00:07:20,406 --> 00:07:22,859 I kind of like it. It makes people freer... 184 00:07:22,895 --> 00:07:24,675 like they can say whatever's on their mind. 185 00:07:24,711 --> 00:07:27,708 Even Debbie spoke up today, and she never talks in meetings. 186 00:07:27,744 --> 00:07:30,462 Well, we're not doing it in here, pudberger. 187 00:07:31,206 --> 00:07:32,939 What? That's his last name. 188 00:07:32,975 --> 00:07:34,599 All right, let's just try to regroup. 189 00:07:34,635 --> 00:07:36,877 Wait! You pretty-boy suit rack. 190 00:07:38,508 --> 00:07:41,328 What this m.r.e. Needs is ethiopian stew. 191 00:07:41,549 --> 00:07:43,852 It's hearty, nutritious and simple, 192 00:07:43,888 --> 00:07:45,730 like all of you bastards. 193 00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:48,265 Debbie's never opened her mouth before, 194 00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:50,441 - and it was a good suggestion. - It was a good idea. 195 00:07:50,477 --> 00:07:52,484 But then mark called her a Tory-loving royalist, 196 00:07:52,626 --> 00:07:53,692 and everything fell apart again. 197 00:07:53,693 --> 00:07:54,765 You ju don't like this 198 00:07:54,797 --> 00:07:56,565 because you always have to be in control. 199 00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:58,328 You're a control freak... that's what you are. 200 00:07:58,329 --> 00:07:59,886 I don't always have to be in control... 201 00:08:00,171 --> 00:08:01,898 although, it is my exact job description. 202 00:08:01,899 --> 00:08:03,711 You're tall, you're handsome, 203 00:08:03,748 --> 00:08:05,673 you got the power tie, the power suit. 204 00:08:05,709 --> 00:08:07,397 People think you're intimidating, Ted, 205 00:08:07,433 --> 00:08:08,801 and you like that because it means 206 00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:10,909 - you get everything you want. - Okay, first of all, 207 00:08:10,945 --> 00:08:13,835 my appearance is not my fault. God made me this way, 208 00:08:13,871 --> 00:08:15,862 and then he told me where to shop for suits. 209 00:08:15,864 --> 00:08:18,150 Ted, a little caos can be a good thing. 210 00:08:18,186 --> 00:08:19,606 My grandpa met my grandma 211 00:08:19,642 --> 00:08:21,682 when a Tornado blew her into his barn. 212 00:08:21,845 --> 00:08:25,910 He pulled the rake out of her chest and proposed on the spot. 213 00:08:27,964 --> 00:08:30,335 We really should have been reading these memos. 214 00:08:30,371 --> 00:08:33,335 Damn! We didn't have to work on Thanksgiving? 215 00:08:33,372 --> 00:08:35,339 And look! Like I suspected, 216 00:08:35,375 --> 00:08:37,658 we were supposed to be wearing lead aprons 217 00:08:37,695 --> 00:08:40,076 when we were working on that genital x-Ray project. 218 00:08:40,112 --> 00:08:41,415 Here it is. 219 00:08:41,452 --> 00:08:44,708 "Employees must now use offensive or insulting language 220 00:08:44,744 --> 00:08:46,214 in the workplace." 221 00:08:46,251 --> 00:08:47,935 I can play this game. 222 00:08:47,971 --> 00:08:50,559 I wrote that humorous column in my college newspaper... 223 00:08:50,595 --> 00:08:53,568 "Lem's snappy answers to theoretical physics questions." 224 00:08:53,605 --> 00:08:56,535 Pow! You've been Lem-basted. 225 00:08:56,572 --> 00:08:58,532 I'm terrible at insults. 226 00:08:58,568 --> 00:09:01,569 As a child, I was beaten up constantly. 227 00:09:01,605 --> 00:09:03,760 The best comeback i ever came up with was, 228 00:09:03,797 --> 00:09:06,497 "you're right. I'll work on that." 229 00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:11,372 I can help you, you sad jar of hobo urine. 230 00:09:11,408 --> 00:09:14,908 Pow! I've been Lem-basted. 231 00:09:19,422 --> 00:09:22,969 Hey, who is that relaxed and approachable guy? 232 00:09:23,005 --> 00:09:25,558 Is that Ted? Why, yes, it is. 233 00:09:25,594 --> 00:09:27,333 You look like you're on your way to mix cocktails 234 00:09:27,558 --> 00:09:28,639 at a swim-up bar. 235 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:30,645 Well, i-I was thinking about what you said... 236 00:09:30,681 --> 00:09:33,388 about how I might seem a little controlling and intimidating. 237 00:09:33,424 --> 00:09:35,934 So I tell you to take a look at the way you approach life, 238 00:09:35,970 --> 00:09:38,997 and you put different clothes on? What a dill weed. 239 00:09:39,033 --> 00:09:41,137 And that's not a company-mandated insult. 240 00:09:41,173 --> 00:09:42,661 That one came from the heart. 241 00:09:42,662 --> 00:09:44,111 Well, come on. 242 00:09:44,147 --> 00:09:46,516 The clothes are symbolic... the first step in saying 243 00:09:46,552 --> 00:09:48,659 that I'm willing to try to make a change. 244 00:09:48,695 --> 00:09:50,838 Actually, I was hoping the clothes would cover it. 245 00:09:50,839 --> 00:09:52,997 I had the worst night last night. 246 00:09:53,033 --> 00:09:54,409 Didn't you get the memo? 247 00:09:54,445 --> 00:09:56,912 Casual fribsday is not until 2024. 248 00:09:56,949 --> 00:09:59,526 I'm trying to be less intimidating. Apparently, my... 249 00:09:59,562 --> 00:10:02,182 wow. That's the fastest I've ever lost interest in something. 250 00:10:02,219 --> 00:10:06,328 I went out with Walter Palmer last night because of you. 251 00:10:06,364 --> 00:10:08,086 Me? What did I do? 252 00:10:08,087 --> 00:10:09,562 You started questioning memos, 253 00:10:09,598 --> 00:10:11,002 which brought up all this itchy guilt, 254 00:10:11,038 --> 00:10:12,620 so I agreed to have drinks with the guy. 255 00:10:12,768 --> 00:10:15,803 He told me, after he lost the promotion, his wife left. 256 00:10:15,804 --> 00:10:18,591 I felt even more guilty, so i let him take me out to dinner, 257 00:10:18,627 --> 00:10:20,857 where I learned he also lost his house. 258 00:10:20,893 --> 00:10:23,409 Then I find out he's living in his parents' basement, 259 00:10:23,445 --> 00:10:26,407 which is so damp, his dog got arthritis, fell down the stairs 260 00:10:26,443 --> 00:10:28,785 and now has to be carried around like a suitcase. 261 00:10:28,821 --> 00:10:30,678 - So I let him kiss me. - Oh, my God! 262 00:10:30,714 --> 00:10:33,059 But then I still felt guilty, so I let him feel me up. 263 00:10:33,060 --> 00:10:34,226 - Oh, my... - yeah. 264 00:10:34,275 --> 00:10:36,194 I'm thinking i might need new breasts. 265 00:10:36,230 --> 00:10:37,850 These are covered in sadness. 266 00:10:37,851 --> 00:10:40,758 Wow. This is like the most depressing "penthouse" letter ever. 267 00:10:40,794 --> 00:10:43,543 I kept waiting for the guilt to lift, but it never did. 268 00:10:43,579 --> 00:10:45,076 What am I gonna do? 269 00:10:45,464 --> 00:10:48,470 Maybe I'll buy him a boat. Guys like boats, right? 270 00:10:48,506 --> 00:10:49,955 Hey, Veronica. 271 00:10:49,991 --> 00:10:52,773 I had a great time last night. 272 00:10:52,809 --> 00:10:55,459 I was wondering if maybe i could take you to dinner later 273 00:10:55,496 --> 00:10:57,020 for a little Walter and Veronica, 274 00:10:57,021 --> 00:10:58,742 version 2.0. 275 00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:01,810 how would you like a boat? 276 00:11:01,811 --> 00:11:04,290 something you could just get in and go... 277 00:11:04,291 --> 00:11:06,978 Really shove off... Just get out of here. 278 00:11:06,979 --> 00:11:10,080 Well, I couldn't take a gift like that from you. 279 00:11:10,081 --> 00:11:11,374 I'd feel too guilty. 280 00:11:11,375 --> 00:11:14,210 Yeah, guilt. What a horrible thing. 281 00:11:14,247 --> 00:11:15,392 See you at 8:00. 282 00:11:15,428 --> 00:11:17,098 Oh, and this time, please don't say, 283 00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:19,937 "thank you for kissing with me." 284 00:11:25,794 --> 00:11:28,309 can you press "10" for me, you rat-face nazi? 285 00:11:31,326 --> 00:11:33,209 Your breasts should be on display 286 00:11:33,245 --> 00:11:35,619 at the swiss museum of miniatures. 287 00:11:36,982 --> 00:11:39,013 You said 10, right? 288 00:11:39,897 --> 00:11:42,261 Before we start, I realize some people may think 289 00:11:42,297 --> 00:11:44,249 I'm controlling and a little intimidating. 290 00:11:44,250 --> 00:11:47,935 But I want you to know, all ideas are welcome. 291 00:11:47,936 --> 00:11:50,726 Really. I want to hear from everyone. 292 00:11:51,772 --> 00:11:54,839 could you repeat that in English? I don't speak wuss-ass. 293 00:11:55,585 --> 00:11:57,083 We're not doing that in here, Phil. 294 00:11:57,119 --> 00:11:59,667 I'm so very sorry. You won't hear another word out of me. 295 00:11:59,703 --> 00:12:03,071 So not being controlling lasted for about one second? 296 00:12:03,107 --> 00:12:06,545 I'm sorry. The naggity-nag-nag bitchy-bitch is right. 297 00:12:06,581 --> 00:12:08,647 Anything anyone wants to say is fine by me. 298 00:12:08,648 --> 00:12:10,163 You heard the corporate chimp. 299 00:12:10,164 --> 00:12:12,264 Start making suggestions for meals-ready-to-eat 300 00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:14,884 before his head goes back up his butt. 301 00:12:15,704 --> 00:12:18,073 I like fresh tomatoes, right off the vine. 302 00:12:18,109 --> 00:12:19,454 Oh, come on, mark, use your head. 303 00:12:19,490 --> 00:12:20,644 How are we gonna get fresh... 304 00:12:20,645 --> 00:12:23,087 open forum, chim chim. Just let the ideas flow. 305 00:12:23,123 --> 00:12:26,392 I'm sorry, mark. I'm writing it down. 306 00:12:26,393 --> 00:12:30,871 Sometimes when I'm lonely, I like to watch myself eat. 307 00:12:30,872 --> 00:12:33,260 Why don't we put a mirror in there? 308 00:12:33,262 --> 00:12:34,931 You like to watch yourself eat? 309 00:12:34,968 --> 00:12:37,072 I'm writing it down. 310 00:12:37,073 --> 00:12:39,878 I like to have some wine with dinner. 311 00:12:39,879 --> 00:12:41,609 They're soldiers! 312 00:12:42,454 --> 00:12:44,235 Writing it down. 313 00:12:49,986 --> 00:12:51,778 I need your help, slut. 314 00:12:51,814 --> 00:12:53,305 What's the problem, tight-ass? 315 00:12:53,341 --> 00:12:56,195 Easy, Linda. It's a memo, not a magic shield. 316 00:12:56,862 --> 00:13:00,067 I need to make a man run screaming from my life. 317 00:13:01,001 --> 00:13:02,689 I'm happy you came to me for advice, 318 00:13:02,725 --> 00:13:05,351 but sad this is my area of expertise. 319 00:13:05,387 --> 00:13:08,058 I went out again with Walter. Now if I blow him off, 320 00:13:08,094 --> 00:13:09,903 he'll think that i hurt him five years ago, 321 00:13:09,940 --> 00:13:11,686 then looked him up and got him to fall in love with me 322 00:13:11,722 --> 00:13:13,241 so I could hurt him again. 323 00:13:13,277 --> 00:13:14,992 Plus, I backed over his foot when I was leaving, 324 00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:17,096 which, according to our relationship math, 325 00:13:17,133 --> 00:13:19,399 means tonight's the night. 326 00:13:19,435 --> 00:13:22,714 Well, in my experience, scaring a man away is pretty easy. 327 00:13:22,894 --> 00:13:24,857 Basically, you're gonna want to put three words 328 00:13:24,893 --> 00:13:29,041 into heavy rotation... future, babies, commitment. 329 00:13:29,077 --> 00:13:31,439 Back off! I need my space. 330 00:13:31,950 --> 00:13:35,174 Wow, those words are powerful. 331 00:13:41,464 --> 00:13:44,066 What are you ciphering there, jethro? 332 00:13:44,766 --> 00:13:46,728 I've really enjoyed repeating the put-downs 333 00:13:46,764 --> 00:13:49,471 you've been feeding me, but I want to do it on my own. 334 00:13:49,873 --> 00:13:52,471 Give a man an insult, he can hurt people for a day. 335 00:13:52,507 --> 00:13:55,771 Teach a man to insult, he can hurt people 336 00:13:55,807 --> 00:13:58,804 who tease him because he never learned to fish. 337 00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:01,319 Anyway, I've devised a formula. 338 00:14:01,356 --> 00:14:03,283 Look at that. 339 00:14:03,319 --> 00:14:05,690 You had a problem in your life and who stepped up to help you? 340 00:14:05,726 --> 00:14:08,798 Math. She has always been there for you, hasn't she, Phil? 341 00:14:08,835 --> 00:14:12,617 If she ever took physical form, I'd leave my wife and marry her. 342 00:14:12,654 --> 00:14:14,470 Stand in line, my friend. 343 00:14:14,506 --> 00:14:16,073 Anyway, it's really quite simple. 344 00:14:16,109 --> 00:14:18,765 You take a person's most marked physical feature, 345 00:14:18,801 --> 00:14:21,831 compare it to genitalia... male, female or animal... 346 00:14:21,868 --> 00:14:26,283 and end with the suffix "-bag," "-wipe" or "-muncher." 347 00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:28,537 You could also add an optional reference to excretion 348 00:14:28,573 --> 00:14:30,580 from any of the glorious openings 349 00:14:30,616 --> 00:14:32,216 offered by the human body. 350 00:14:32,594 --> 00:14:34,669 Should we take her for a spin? 351 00:14:34,705 --> 00:14:36,617 Excuse me, Roger? 352 00:14:36,653 --> 00:14:41,161 Your head looks like lizard butt flap, you snot wipe. 353 00:14:47,541 --> 00:14:48,976 Walter. 354 00:14:49,013 --> 00:14:51,115 Hey... it looks like somebody can't get enough of me. 355 00:14:51,151 --> 00:14:54,858 You're right. I can't. In fact, we need to talk about us 356 00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:59,344 and the future of our babies and how they'll be committed. 357 00:14:59,380 --> 00:15:02,347 Wow, that's a lot to take in. Okay. 358 00:15:02,383 --> 00:15:04,421 I need this relationship to have a future 359 00:15:04,457 --> 00:15:06,788 because I need babies. That's right... 360 00:15:06,824 --> 00:15:09,529 big, screaming babies shooting out of my uterus, 361 00:15:09,565 --> 00:15:11,447 just stacking up like cordwood. 362 00:15:11,448 --> 00:15:12,796 Really? 363 00:15:12,832 --> 00:15:15,457 Yes, sir. That's all I ever think about... 364 00:15:15,494 --> 00:15:18,007 the future, babies and commitment. 365 00:15:18,043 --> 00:15:20,588 Future, babies, commitment. Future, babies, commitment. 366 00:15:20,624 --> 00:15:22,030 Commitment, commitment, commitment, commitment... 367 00:15:22,066 --> 00:15:25,429 whoa, slow down! This is happening a little fast. 368 00:15:27,542 --> 00:15:29,985 Okay! I'll do it! 369 00:15:31,212 --> 00:15:33,493 - Babies, babies, babies, babies... - yes! 370 00:15:33,529 --> 00:15:35,200 As many as you want! 371 00:15:35,236 --> 00:15:37,203 My parents always say that since my wife left, 372 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:40,062 I've been too cautious about relationships, but damn it! 373 00:15:40,098 --> 00:15:42,138 This is the one. I know it is. 374 00:15:42,174 --> 00:15:44,778 Let's light this candle and blast off 375 00:15:44,815 --> 00:15:48,448 into a calm, settled, monogamous relationship. 376 00:15:48,484 --> 00:15:50,899 Oh, my. Look at me. 377 00:15:50,935 --> 00:15:53,563 I'm so happy, I can't feel my legs. 378 00:15:56,064 --> 00:15:59,199 so I took everyone's ideas for the meals-ready-to-eat project, 379 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:01,267 and here it is. 380 00:16:01,268 --> 00:16:03,128 The specs called for a soldier to carry 381 00:16:03,164 --> 00:16:04,871 three of these in his backpack. 382 00:16:04,907 --> 00:16:08,366 Now we have to design a 14-foot soldier. 383 00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:09,847 Good news, Ted. 384 00:16:09,848 --> 00:16:12,259 I cured Walter of his fear of commitment. 385 00:16:12,260 --> 00:16:14,669 He wants to get portraits painted of the two of us 386 00:16:14,706 --> 00:16:17,899 with his suitcase dog, all wearing turtlenecks. 387 00:16:18,912 --> 00:16:21,495 I've got a box lunch the size of a handball court. 388 00:16:21,496 --> 00:16:22,991 Now I gotta go find Phil and Lem 389 00:16:23,027 --> 00:16:24,661 and straighten out this m.r.e. Disaster. 390 00:16:24,662 --> 00:16:26,416 Don't "boo-hoo" me. 391 00:16:26,452 --> 00:16:29,080 Did that m.r.e. Touch your boobies, Ted? 392 00:16:29,116 --> 00:16:32,038 Then shut the hell up. 393 00:16:33,968 --> 00:16:36,960 What I didn't know was Phil and Lem weren't in the lab. 394 00:16:36,997 --> 00:16:39,106 They were having an entirely different adventure... 395 00:16:39,143 --> 00:16:41,216 test-driving their new insult-generating formula. 396 00:16:41,217 --> 00:16:43,298 Your eyes look like two beady rabbit pellets 397 00:16:43,334 --> 00:16:45,336 on the face of a monkey-licking pus-bomb. 398 00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:47,816 - You've just been Phil-abusted. - Nice! 399 00:16:50,587 --> 00:16:52,880 That's it... fill up your canker-blossomed hole, 400 00:16:52,916 --> 00:16:55,296 you ale-soused apple-John. 401 00:16:55,297 --> 00:16:57,364 That was the elizabethan model. 402 00:16:57,365 --> 00:17:00,776 Ye have been served. 403 00:17:06,415 --> 00:17:07,744 nice man-boobs, 404 00:17:07,780 --> 00:17:11,319 for a panty-snatching steroid muncher. 405 00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:13,800 What's the matter? Didn't you get the memo? 406 00:17:13,801 --> 00:17:15,867 no, Phil, he didn't. 407 00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:19,932 He delivers the water. He doesn't work here. 408 00:17:31,510 --> 00:17:33,956 thank God that finally broke. 409 00:17:33,957 --> 00:17:35,439 Hey, Ted. 410 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:38,403 I may go home early today and never come back. 411 00:17:39,223 --> 00:17:41,504 you can't go home. I need you guys. 412 00:17:41,505 --> 00:17:44,571 And that's it... the insulting language stuff has got to end, 413 00:17:44,572 --> 00:17:46,087 you douche-nozzles. 414 00:17:46,901 --> 00:17:50,567 Sorry. That was one for the road. 415 00:17:50,568 --> 00:17:52,738 We just got Ted-ucated. 416 00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:54,943 Look, Janet, it's crazy out there. 417 00:17:54,944 --> 00:17:56,900 Two of my guys just got beaten with water. 418 00:17:56,901 --> 00:17:59,714 I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do, mr. Crisp. 419 00:17:59,750 --> 00:18:01,936 I don't like that memo anymore either. 420 00:18:01,937 --> 00:18:04,234 Way too many people are having fun with my name. 421 00:18:04,235 --> 00:18:05,570 I'm surprised it took this memo 422 00:18:05,606 --> 00:18:07,014 to get that train out of the station. 423 00:18:07,015 --> 00:18:08,800 Look, I've had several complaints, 424 00:18:08,836 --> 00:18:11,620 but the company is not going to admit it made a mistake. 425 00:18:11,621 --> 00:18:13,822 What if it didn't have to admit it made a mistake? 426 00:18:13,858 --> 00:18:16,877 What if it could just say that it... it's making a-a new policy, 427 00:18:16,913 --> 00:18:20,065 based on a groundswell of employee opinion? 428 00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:22,995 Look at that pretty little head of yours, working up ideas. 429 00:18:22,996 --> 00:18:24,873 I'm a fan. 430 00:18:24,874 --> 00:18:26,720 Well, I like you, too, Janet. 431 00:18:26,756 --> 00:18:29,713 So we gonna do this? 432 00:18:29,715 --> 00:18:32,055 What are we talking about, exactly? 433 00:18:32,056 --> 00:18:33,473 End this policy. 434 00:18:33,509 --> 00:18:34,589 Oh, that. 435 00:18:34,625 --> 00:18:37,625 Well, if we call it a groundswell, 436 00:18:37,661 --> 00:18:39,260 I think the company would go for it. 437 00:18:39,261 --> 00:18:41,864 That way, it gets to pat itself on the back 438 00:18:41,901 --> 00:18:44,369 for listening and being a great communicationer. 439 00:18:44,370 --> 00:18:45,854 You mean "communicator." 440 00:18:45,890 --> 00:18:49,872 That's not what it says in the handbook. 441 00:18:54,003 --> 00:18:56,000 hey, I just got this memo. 442 00:18:56,035 --> 00:18:57,965 We don't get to swear at each other anymore. 443 00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,765 It was due to a "groundsmell." 444 00:18:59,766 --> 00:19:01,164 well, the good news is, this company 445 00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:03,374 does not squander its best and brightest typing memos. 446 00:19:03,410 --> 00:19:06,937 So is this all going in the m.r.e.? 447 00:19:06,973 --> 00:19:10,265 Yeah. It now stands for "meal really enormous." 448 00:19:11,506 --> 00:19:14,080 This is what happens when you take everyone's suggestions. 449 00:19:14,116 --> 00:19:15,737 Well, why did you do that? 450 00:19:15,738 --> 00:19:18,406 Because someone I care about thought I was controlling. 451 00:19:18,442 --> 00:19:21,396 You care that much what I think about you? 452 00:19:21,432 --> 00:19:23,993 You are taing about me, right? 453 00:19:23,994 --> 00:19:25,510 Yes. 454 00:19:28,237 --> 00:19:30,976 so is any of this stuff usable? 455 00:19:31,013 --> 00:19:33,965 Yeah. Debbie's ethiopian stew is pretty good. 456 00:19:34,001 --> 00:19:35,822 And... and when it hardens, 457 00:19:35,858 --> 00:19:38,043 it forms an unbreakable arch support in your foot. 458 00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:40,217 Oh, well, see? There you go. 459 00:19:40,253 --> 00:19:42,355 All you needed was one good idea. 460 00:19:42,391 --> 00:19:44,471 And you got that because you listened to everyone, 461 00:19:44,964 --> 00:19:47,030 which you did because you listened to me. 462 00:19:47,066 --> 00:19:49,891 In case you missed it, the lesson heris listen to me. 463 00:19:49,926 --> 00:19:53,806 What's this I'm hearing about ethiopian stew shoes? 464 00:19:53,842 --> 00:19:55,781 It's all they're talking about upstairs. 465 00:19:55,818 --> 00:19:57,856 Well, speaking of exciting developments... 466 00:19:57,892 --> 00:20:00,182 when I was in h.r., 467 00:20:00,218 --> 00:20:02,741 I dug up this old memo about your promotion. 468 00:20:02,777 --> 00:20:05,178 All the executives had to sign off on it. 469 00:20:05,179 --> 00:20:06,472 Really? 470 00:20:06,508 --> 00:20:09,851 "I know we agreed not to let women into upper management, 471 00:20:09,887 --> 00:20:12,340 "but Veronica Palmer is man-smart. 472 00:20:12,931 --> 00:20:16,403 "And, hello, as she breaks through the glass ceiling, 473 00:20:16,439 --> 00:20:18,336 we can all look up her skirt." 474 00:20:18,372 --> 00:20:22,224 Oh, my God. That promotion was mine. 475 00:20:22,260 --> 00:20:24,263 I didn't ruin Walter's life. 476 00:20:24,299 --> 00:20:27,407 what is wrong with those old farts upstairs? 477 00:20:27,444 --> 00:20:29,699 Seriously, they wrote that in 2005. 478 00:20:29,735 --> 00:20:33,066 I am off to scrape Walter off my shoe. 479 00:20:33,102 --> 00:20:35,476 You may want to be more gentle... 480 00:20:35,512 --> 00:20:39,026 I have a hickey on my belly. 481 00:20:40,438 --> 00:20:43,169 And so Veronica went down to the basement 482 00:20:43,205 --> 00:20:44,577 and broke up with Walter. 483 00:20:44,613 --> 00:20:47,241 But then she made it up to him 484 00:20:47,277 --> 00:20:50,249 by giving him a new aboveground office. 485 00:20:50,285 --> 00:20:53,798 Wow. 486 00:20:53,835 --> 00:20:56,211 thank you. 487 00:20:57,001 --> 00:21:00,331 Phil and Lem retired their insult formula 488 00:21:00,368 --> 00:21:02,818 and made amends with the water guy. 489 00:21:04,277 --> 00:21:07,170 and I realized communication isn't just about talking. 490 00:21:07,206 --> 00:21:08,500 It's about listening. 491 00:21:08,536 --> 00:21:11,428 Debbie, I just wanted to say 492 00:21:11,464 --> 00:21:13,025 I appreciated your work on the m.r.e., 493 00:21:13,061 --> 00:21:15,030 and when it comes to any other toughts you may have, 494 00:21:15,251 --> 00:21:16,336 I'm listening. 495 00:21:16,337 --> 00:21:17,927 I think we should go out, Ted. 496 00:21:17,964 --> 00:21:21,523 You can do whatever you want to me. 497 00:21:22,949 --> 00:21:24,490 And just because I listen 498 00:21:24,527 --> 00:21:26,623 doesn't mean I have to take every suggestion.