I love college. I wish I could
take my tuition and shove it down that girl's underwear
in $1.00 bills.
Whatever.
Don't start with that lizzie depression crap, man.
I'm sick of hearing it. It's annoying, ok?
Look, life sucks if I can't have her. Simple as that.
No, it's as simple as that behind, ok?
'Cause as long as that's around,
then life can really never be that bad.
Bye.
Oh, let's walk her to class. Come on.
I love this part.
Heh. Hey, sheila. What's going on?
Oh, I'm just taking some stuff for my room.
I'm moving out of the suite.
No way.
That's so sad.
I've never even seen her before.
I have.
Well, I guess that's everything.
Bye. Bye.
Let's go check out her room.
Ok.
You guys, we could, like, totally deck this place out.
Yeah, yeah. We could, like, paint the walls red
and throw some pillows on the floor.
We'll call it the poochie palace.
Poochie party palace, huh?
We should throw a party here this weekend.
That sounds like a lot of work,
and I have a double bio lab on thursday.
Yeah, and I can't miss scene rehearsal.
I'm the star of my class.
No, no. That's ok. That's all right.
Because we can do it, you know, together.
The marsh-man. The rachenator.
Ha ha. Ha ha.
We could make some magic in here.
Yeah.
[Telephone rings]
Hello?
Dial tone.
Well, that's weird. Probably lizzie's.
[Telephone rings]
Ah.
[Ring]
Hi, eric.
Eric: Who the hell is this?
Why are you answering lizzie's phone?
She left it in our room. It's ron. Hey.
Well, what the hell was lizzie doing in your room?
Uh, we were making sloppy love, eric.
It was heavenly.
What? Give the phone to lizzie!
Did I hear my phone ring?
Yeah, it's eric.
Eric: Give lizzie the phone!
You shut up! You shut up!
Give lizzie the phone! You shut up!
Hey, baby.
Well, I guess you weren't in the library studying,
were you, baby?
No. We're, um, making a home office.
Eric: Oh, right.
Why are you always checking up on me?
I hate that guy.
Whatever. He's a nice guy, you know.
He's not a nice guy. You are a nice guy
for calling that idiot a nice guy.
Tell you what, man.
You want lizzie?
I can get that done for you.
I'm gonna put this together.
No, ron, please don't.
You're gonna humiliate me, and I don't want that.
No, I'm gonna bring you joy.
So I'll tell you what,
you go wash your boxers and whatever they hold.
'Cause when I'm done working lizzie,
you're gonna need those bad boys clean.
Hey, man, you ok?
Oh. Yeah.
I'll survive.
Mind if I sit down?
Uh...No. Go ahead.
Thanks. It's a woman, isn't it?
Oh, uh...
Yeah, it is.
Ain't it always? She look good? I bet she look good.
She's beautiful.
If you want, I could set you up with somebody, man.
Yeah. Matter of fact,
I know somebody you might like.
Really?
I'm telling you.
He'll fulfill your every need.
He?
Hey, thank you, but I'm sorry...
I'm not gay.
That's ok, man. Neither is he.
You see, his name is jesus.
Christ.
Yeah. I see you know his name.
Say it again. Wear it out.
So, existentialists believe that the universe is meaningless
and that human existence has no purpose,
that everything we believe to be true,
our religions, our laws, our relationships
are only illusions we invent
to distract us from our purposeless and empty lives.
And let's face it... if there's no meaning, why even bother trying?
May as well give up! There are no laws.
We can do whatever we want whenever we want.
Of course it's depressing!
The universe is a miserable, horrible place.
Show me meaningless! Show me pointless!
You are nothing. Life is meaningless.
We are all completely alone.
Ok, I'm sorry I've cut into your lunch a bit.
I'll make it up to you next time.
Hey, cheer up... it's taco tuesday.
I know you're lonely. But it's not about a girl.
It's not a girl that you're missing.
It's god that you're missing.
The word is strong right now.
You know who's a strong believer of the word? Charlie sheen. Mm-hmm.
Chris tucker. They are very strong believers in the word.
[Loudly] Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?
[Laughs] That's an impression I do.
[Both laugh]
But do you really...
Understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?
Yeah, I do. But...
Like I'm just not really into religion, you know?
And how are you feeling today?
Hey. Saturday night.
Totally throwing it down at the poochie party palace.
Did you ever think that maybe the entire way you looked at the world
was wrong?
Oh, yeah, man. I used to be a goth guy.
I met this chick, she had, like, black fingernails,
totally, like, pale.
So hot, right? Turned out to be albino.
Anyway, do you guys wanna get a keg?
I don't know anything anymore.
That's ok. I'll figure it out.
[Playing classical piece]
How was that?
It was perfect. Every note was flawless.
It was flat. I can do better.
Susuki, you have played the same song
5 times in a row,
and the song is 47 minutes long.
Pinchas zukerman plays until his fingers are bloody.
Then maybe you should ask pinker zuckerman to room with you,
'cause I have homework to do.
Yeah, well, this is my homework.
This place is the best.
[Sighs] I know.
I could live in here.
It's so soothing.
It's like all the pressure melts away when I'm in here.
Me, too.
It's like nobody wants anything from me
and I don't need anything.
Exactly. I don't want anything.
[Sighs]
Our party's gonna be so awesome.
[Knocking on door]
Hello?
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Sheila told me she was moving out.
Uh-huh. She did.
So you know what's going on with the empty room?
Oh, I think they filled it.
Oh, that's a shame.
Yeah. It's off the market.
This is not good.
She put in an application.
Yeah, I know. This is gonna kill our killer party.
Maybe we should just give her the room.
No, no, no, no, no. She has a room, ok?
She's not homeless, she's selfish.
She just wants a better room, ok?
I can make this application disappear, ok?
I got connections in the housing office, ok?
So, you know...
[Breathes out] Deep breaths.
[Breathes deeply] Ahh.
Mm-mm-mm.
Aw, that's so cute, eric and the dog.
I mean, he just, he seems like the greatest guy.
He is.
So you're gonna marry him?
That's really cool. I respect that, I think.
I don't know. I didn't say that. Heh.
He must make some sweet money
owning that copy shop, though, huh?
Well, actually, he just manages it.
He doesn't make that much.
He lives with his ex-step dad.
Oh. That's cool.
Eric's great, but...
I sort of had this weird thing with steven.
Steven steven?
Yeah. Heh.
What happened?
Did you guys, like, make out or something like that?
More than that.
More?
Ha ha.
Holy moly! More!
I mean, I don't want to cross any lines here with you, lizzie,
but I've personally always been of the thought
that you and steve would seriously make,
like, the cutest couple.
Really?
Have you ever read the bible?
It's awesome.
Very moral.
It's kind of like 8 star wars episodes in a row.
Steve, the bible's just a bunch of stories made up by rich people
to stop poor people hitting them on the head with a stick
and taking their money.
That's terrible.
I agree. It's a catastrophe.
I mean, how can you say that?
Who do you think created everything?
Is it a coincidence that music sounds pretty?
That water turns into rain?
That our butts are down here
and not on the top of our head?
God's work is everywhere.
God doesn't exist, ok? Nothing matters.
You may as well just do whatever you want whenever you want.
That's selfish.
Love thy neighbor as thyself.
Yeah. You're right.
You are right, and I will start
by nailing that little sophomore hottie
at the party tonight.
Now I don't think that's what it means. Do you?
Tomahto, tomato.
All we're asking is for you
to make tina's application disappear.
No way. We'd lose our jobs.
[Sighs]
Sam-o, this is a compilation reel
of over 250 nude scenes
that I've taped off cable since I was 8.
Who's in it?
Name a celebrity.
Holly hunter.
Man, we got katie holmes, ok?
Ashley judd, eye of the beholder.
Got richard gere a few times if that's your thing.
I got jamie lee curtis, trading places.
Must've been cold that day, know what I'm sayin'?
Both: Ha ha ha.
Do you have any alyssa milano?
Uh, yeah. Milano? Poison ivy 2.
Don't even have to watch any of the story.
Ooh.
Marshall: Yeah.
Holy mother of god.
Steven. Oh, hi.
Hey! God, I feel like I haven't seen you
in forever. Yeah.
How are you?
I...I'm actually fantastic.
Wow. That's great.
You know, we should totally catch up.
Do you want to get dinner tonight?
Oh. Uh, you know, I would,
but I gotta get over to the v.A. Hospice
to read to some veterans.
Steven, oh, my god.
That's so nice of you.
Uh, you know, it was nice of them
to fight in a war for us.
Ha ha. Anyways,
it was nice to see you. You, too.
Hey, take care. Ok. Bye.
Bye.
♪ Oh, I believe ♪
♪ I believe ♪
♪ in the lord, the lord... ♪
hey, man, I brush my teeth in that sink.
♪ I build faith ♪
♪ by his sweet, sweet love ♪
jerk! # oh, I believe #
♪ I believe ♪
♪ I believe ♪ ♪ I believe ♪
♪ in the lord, he made that song ♪
♪ I believe ♪ ♪ I believe ♪
♪ I beleive, yes ♪
♪ in the sweet ♪
♪ jesus lord ♪
♪ I was weak... ♪
let me get that frisbee back, lloyd.
Dude, seriously.
Jesus, lloyd.
Ow.
What are you doing? He's gone nuts!
♪ I believe, I believe ♪
[alarm blares]
Fire! Fire alarm! Fire! Fire! Fire, people!
Fire! Go! Come on, let's go!
This is not a drill. Go. Keep going.
Stay, stay calm. This is not a drill!
No. I definitely, definitely smelled smoke.
But worse, it was fumes.
You know, and it was black but clear.
You know, it was deadly. Very, very deadly.
[Violin playing]
Oh, crap.
There's tina.
Everybody's talking about the poochie party.
What if she hears?
Well, maybe we should just invite her.
I mean, I'm starting to feel guilty.
No, no. That's a bad idea. Bad idea, you know?
She'll blow the whistle on us, you know?
And then the red room will be off-white again.
You know? Yeah.
Plus, I hear her and susuki, you know,
they're getting along really well.
Ok, what about this one?
That's, uh, that's cute.
Ugh. Yeah.
I mean, does he even think I'm pretty?
He doesn't even notice me anymore.
Of course he thinks you're pretty.
I mean, you've sent him
just so many "no" signals, right?
But now, you really gotta work it.
You gotta send him "yes."
A lot of "yes."
So much "yes." Mm-hmm.
Yes.
What do you think?
Is that as big as your boobs get?
Oh, I have a shirt for that. Heh.
Ah. I knew you would.
[Disco playing]
Poochie palace! Whoo!
[All cheer]
Here you are.
The party's over there, goofball.
Hello, lizzie.
Hey.
What you readin'?
The greatest story ever told.
Cool.
Anyway, you look really good.
That's very nice of you. Thank you very much.
No...Really good.
Hmm.
[Dance music playing]
This is the best, right?
I know! We make such a great team!
Yeah, right? There's like nothing we can't do...Together.
[Music switches to hard rock]
Who put this music on?
I don't know.
Damn.
Suddenly, I'm like a melanie griffith fan here.
Steve, I don't know how late that party is gonna go.
I don't know where I'm gonna sleep.
I have a test in the morning.
I need my sleep.
Well, you can crash on the couch.
I'll lay down some sheets,
it's surprisingly comfortable.
What am I saying?
[Laughs]
You can sleep in my bed.
I'll sleep on the couch.
How 'bout this...
Why don't we both stay in your bed?
We could keep each other up all night.
I thought you had a test in the morning.
I lied.
Let's not do this.
See, the first time we did it
was because we were lonely, scared, desperate, weak.
That's why we gave in to sin and lust.
There's an attraction between us... that cannot be denied.
But if it ever happens again, it should be for the right reasons.
And tonight, this, here...
It feels so very wrong.
Yeah.
Very wrong.
I think the red is starting to freak everybody out!
No, no! The red's a great color.
It's good! It's soothing!
This is not soothing!
No! Oh!
This sucks!
That's what I told you, man!
Life sucks!
He's a jerk. I hate him.
I'm trying to, like, french him,
and he's going off on the bible.
Lizzie, no, no. I mean, he's a college kid.
Right? I mean, he's a...
next week, it'll be something new.
I hate him!
Do it with him!
No, forget it! I'm gonna call eric.
Where the hell is my phone?
Don't call... aah. God.
There's a mosh pit in there.
No. Somebody just ripped my poster
of the french people kissing.
I cannot take this!
But they're playing dido in there right now
and everybody's slow dancing and really mellowed out right now.
Oh, look, there's tina.
Yeah, we should probably get back to the palace.
Hey, tina!
Hey.
Uh...Listen, I just, um...
I wanted to apologize. We meant to...
we were trying to find you everywhere.
You wanna come to the party? We're throwing a party.
No. We kept you from getting the room in our suite
because we wanted to keep it as a party room,
but the room's yours. I'm really sorry.
The room is mine?
Yeah.
Oh! [Squeals]
Ha! Ha!
[Singing indistinctly]
So where'd you say that party was at?
Why, the party's in your new room!
'Cause you know when you live with tina,
it's a party every night.
Ooh, boy! It's a party every night livin' with tina!
Mmm! Yeah!
Yeah. You like slipknot?
Slipknot rocks!
Luke?
Luke, what are you doing?
Hey, baby! What, uh... ahem.
What's up?
I don't... I thought that you said it, uh,
it's not about girls, it's about god.
That was me. I said that, right?
Yeah! Um...
Time out. Is she fine? Is she fine?
If she ain't fine, just say it.
What, you... you gonna blame me for this?
Oh...Come on... hey...
hey, come on, don't be mad.
Hey, steve.
She was sent by god!
Whoa, whoa, wait.
Come on. Come on. Come on. No.
No. Ah.
Just open up, ok? I'm so sorry.
Go away.
But it feels right now. It feels so right.
No, just...Ah.
Come on, lizzie. I believe in sin.
Sin is good, you know?
Aw...
[Violin plays]
That was heavenly.
It sucked.
Aw, what's the matter, dollface, down in the dumps?
Sucks to be you, huh?
What's with you, lloyd's of london?
You take one mind-blowing philosophy class
and all of the sudden you're [Mispronouncing] Jean paul sartra.
It's sarte.
Oh, so now you've got this existentialist hook thing, too?
Well, that's great, 'cause all you need is a little more mystique.
Now you've got a chance with all the freaky chicks I was gonna get.
I've taken so much acne medication,
my lips are splitting in half!
This might cheer you up:
You're hotter than most chicks.
What are you doing in college, anyway?
People like you don't need to know how to read.
Nice nose.
Captioned by the national captioning institute ... Www.Ncicap.Org...