The way you straddle that magnificent creature
and ride her like there is no tomorrow is simply fabulous.
I imagine you must get terribly sore.
I don't know how you can perform in front of all those people.
I could use some tips.
Frankly, I find it rather disturbing
that you can make so much money doing it.
I'm sorry you feel that way, madam.
But you know, it's the one career
in which the little guy has the advantage.
I am delighted that the first day of racing
at the new Palau-Palau racecourse was so successful.
Thank you for your contribution, Victor.
At your service, Governor.
I look forward to seeing you all at the races.
Well, forgive me, Governor, but you won't be seeing me at the track.
I think it's cruel to make horses compete for personal gain.
Emilia, all of our horses are very well taken care of.
Not to mention, gambling can be a very dangerous habit.
Only a complete jackass could lose his shirt at the track.
Well, that said, you got any hot tips on the ponies for me, Croquey?
Indeed, I do, Jacques.
I have a magnificent steed I intend to race in the derby this week.
Follow me, and I will give you a little peek-a-boo.
Mes amis, behind these doors
is la piece de résistance, la creme de la crop.
(HORSE WHINNYING)
Whoa, Nellie.
Oh, yuck!
Ha, now there's something you don't see every day.
What is going on?
Madame!
What are you doing here? Who are you?
I am Katherine the Great. I am the Empress of Russia.
I have come for my horse.
For a second there, I thought it was the other way around.
Empress, may I say what an honor it is
to finally make your acquaintance?
I am the Governor of this fair island.
You mentioned something about a horse?
My champion horse has been stolen.
I have been informed that the horse-nappers
were headed towards this insignificant little island.
Pilu Pilu.
Palau-Palau.
You see, I do so miss my little horsey.
And how I love to ride his
bare back for hours on end.
Yeah, sure, Kat. I know how it is.
You know, speaking of which, I've been told that I have certain
horse-like attributes.
Indeed, it's true.
Mr. Stiles is known to all for his striking resemblance to a horse's arse.
Perhaps the Empress can give us a physical description
of her four-legged friend.
Well,
he's solid
and muscular.
And he keeps going and going and going.
And he never quits until the big finish.
What color is it, for God's sake?
So testy for a little woman.
Like his name, White Russian is a milky cream.
But Empress, there is no cream-colored horse here.
Since you are ruler of this island, you will find my horse
and you will execute the culprits of this crime.
But Empress...
Behold the waters around your island.
(GASPING)
Something tells me she's not horsing around.
My fleet has surrounded your island.
Lf, by this time tomorrow,
I am not bouncing joyously upon my prize beast,
everyone on this island will die.
(SINGING) In 1801, the Revolution had been won
And Uncle Sam's favorite son
Had a job he needed done
Which brought Jack to a lady
Both beautiful and smart
Who found his mix intriguing
A scoundrel with a heart!
From the Halls of Montezuma
To the shores of Tripoli
There was never a leatherneck braver
A daring dragoon is he!
He'll halt the bold advance
Of Napoleon's attack
There ain't a French or pirate rogue
Who don't know Jack!
From the Halls of Montezuma
To the shores of Tripoli
Sailin' 'round the bloody world
To defend democracy
And when ya need a fightin' man
To trust or watch your back
Just ask the bloke right next to ya
Damn right!
It's Jack!
EMILIA: You know, Jack, something definitely smells funny.
JACK: Yeah, it's our shoes from stomping around the stables.
Don't you find it rather suspicious
that the disappearance of Katherine's champion racehorse
coincides with the opening of Croque's racetrack?
The fate of this island and every innocent life on it
depends on us locating that damn horse, Jack.
Jack?
Do try to keep up.
What do you say? Feeling lucky?
One...
Are you mad? You know my position on gambling.
Well, what's your position on winning?
Come on, I've got a sure-fire system.
Yes, I have a sure-fire system as well, Jack,
I'll be sure to fire you if you don't help me find that horse.
Come on, if White Russian is here, he's not going anywhere.
And Katherine says we got the whole day.
Live a little.
Fine.
But just this one race to get it out of your system,
then straight back to the mission.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
All right, partner, Perky Peter to win.
Uh-huh. I've got a system, you know.
Haven't we all, mister?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I'm telling you, baby,
you are gonna love this.
(GUN FIRES) WOMAN: Watch out!
ANNOUNCER: And they're off!
Out of the box, it's Lusty Lady on top
with Perky Peter riding her tail.
Come on, Perky Peter.
Show us your magic, baby!
They really are quite magnificent animals, aren't they?
... around the outside, it's Perky Peter going into overdrive.
And look at this!
Lusty Lady, straining to keep up.
That's our horse taking the lead, isn't it?
Uh-huh. What'd I tell you? I got a system.
Out of curiosity, what are the odds on our horse?
Well, I put down 40 francs at 10-to-1 odds.
We could win 400 francs!
Come on, you Perky Peter you, bring it home to Mama!
Ride that rail to victory, big boy!
And coming down the stretch...
There you go! Yes!
... it's Perky Peter...
We won!
(EXCLAIMING)
Hey, what do you say? One more for the road?
Yes!
JACK: Pardon me. Winners coming through.
Darling, fetch me another Stoli on the rocks.
And don't be stingy, baby.
Empress, I am delighted you were able to accept my dinner invitation.
(CHUCKLING)
Don't think you're off the hook, Croquey.
We all have to eat.
Jump back! Guess who's coming to dinner!
Governor, I do hope we're not late.
Emilia, you look radiant this evening.
Well, I must confess, Mr. Stiles persuaded me to have a wee go at the track
and, well, we came into a bit of good fortune.
A bit? Hell, we got moolah coming out the wazoo, baby.
Say, doll, what's that you got in your ear?
Hey, buy yourself something nice.
MAID: Thank you.
I've donated the majority of my winnings to charity,
but I did keep a small amount for myself!
Quite frankly, it was rather exhilarating.
Unfortunately, Monsieur Stiles,
no fortune can disguise a peasant as a gentleman.
Oh?
Don't say I never gave you anything.
Now that we've made an appearance,
we should get back to our horse dilemma.
Right.
First chance we get, we'll sneak out of here and search the stables.
(CLOCK CHIMING)
It is time!
Time for what, Empress?
A demonstration of my resolve.
Mon Dieu!
GUARD: That was close.
(BURPING)
If I don't have a panting animal
galloping between my legs soon,
(HICCUPPING)
Then my fleet will turn your island into rubble.
(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
I'm sure, Empress, that the Captain's guards will leave no stone unturned.
(JACK LAUGHS)
Well, Croque, I'd say you've been busted.
Oh, gadzooks! What do they feed these animals?
Use your eyes, Jack, not your nose.
Oh, crap!
There doesn't seem to be a solid white horse anywhere around here.
We may have been wrong about Croque this time.
Will you stop fooling around...
Emilia, if you wanted a quick roll in the hay, all you had to do was ask.
Oh, I don't feel like looking for a needle in a haystack,
but I do appreciate the thought.
Oh, Jack, your jacket!
I look dashing, don't I?
Hang on a minute.
What the hey?
Oh, my goodness, Jack!
This is Katherine's horse!
Croque's had these brown spots painted on it to disguise it from her.
That sneaky devil.
The Governor's really between a rock and a hard place on this one, Jack!
We'll have to steal the horse ourselves
and return it to Katherine anonymously.
Well, they have to move the horse to the track tomorrow before the big derby.
We'll just snag him then.
(HORSE FARTING)
(COUGHING) In the meantime, let's get out of this stink factory.
Feeling lucky today?
(LAUGHING) Big winner here!
Oh, Jack, I rather wish I hadn't heard that.
It's like an annoying itch!
The kind you can't reach.
What if we could reach it?
What if we walked right over there
and gave it one last big scratch?
I mean, one last race couldn't hurt, right?
The horse isn't going anywhere until the race starts.
Beat it, chump! Hey!
Naughty Boy to win.
Think about all the good we could do for the people of this island
with an unlimited amount of money.
And with your system, we can't go wrong.
What are you driving at there, Em?
Do you accept IOU's? Yep.
Sure you want to do this, miss?
Let it all ride on Naughty Boy.
It's up to you, lady.
(HORSES NEIGHING)
Emilia, out of curiosity, how much did you just sign away, exactly?
What does it matter? With your system, we're a sure-fire win, baby!
ANNOUNCER: And they're off!
Naughty Boy takes an early lead
with Mister Ed, and Trigger's on his tail.
Who's a naughty boy, then?
And look at this! Looks like trouble for Naughty Boy!
Jack, he's falling behind! What is that system of yours, anyway?
Well, I pick a horse whose name most closely resembles
something that the chicks have called me.
You know, like Perky Peter, Three-Legged Wonder, Naughty Boy.
Total imbecile! What if there's more than one horse that fits that criteria?
Well, then I pick a winner
based on a quick round of eenie-meenie-minie-mo.
What?
And at the wire, it's Sore Loser with the win!
Oh, my God. We lost. We've lost every cent we have!
Oh, Em, you bet it all?
Well, how was I supposed to know
your system was nothing more than a word rhyme and a coin toss?
I can't believe we lost everything.
Well,
we still have music to console us.
I'll always remember this as the day the music died.
This is all my fault.
I never thought I could so easily succumb to such a dreadful vice.
Oh, don't blame yourself, Em. I'm the one who egged you on to begin with.
Well,
I suppose we'd better go and steal back Katherine's horse
and return it to her before she attacks the island.
Then we'll have to find jobs to make our money back.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
(LAUGHING)
I think I know a way to get our money back.
We'll steal the horse and paint it so even Croque doesn't recognize it.
And we'll enter it into the race ourselves.
Then we'll win everything back and return the horse to Katherine.
Are you seriously suggesting we dig ourselves out of debt by gambling yet again?
That's how we ended up here in the first place.
Yeah, but come on. Katherine said it was her prized horse.
Besides, Em, got any better ideas?
Even if we wanted to, we'd need a jockey to ride a horse.
Then again, I might know someone.
Hey, kiddo. You sure you're up for this?
It's the only way. Besides, it's about time
all those riding lessons I took as a lass paid off.
Well, you've got my bet, Em. Thanks, Jack.
Ladies and gentlemen, the horses are approaching the starting line!
JACK: Hey, big day, huh?
Placed your bets there, Brogie?
And we have a late entry, ladies and gentlemen.
Please welcome Gambling Habit!
Atta girl, Em.
I'm excited for them.
(HORSES WHINNYING) And they're away!
They're racing in the first annual Palau-Palau sweepstakes
for two-year-olds!
I have a feeling, Empress, that the horse-nappers will be captured today.
Oh, I hope so for your sake, Governor.
I am sorry to hear about your stolen horse there, Croquey.
Tough break.
Thank you, Jacques. But that horse was
more trouble than it was worth.
However, I have a feeling that another one of my horses will win today.
Yes, you see, it does not hurt
when you have all the jockeys working for you.
CROQUE: That newcomer does not stand a chance.
I pity the poor jockey, whoever he is.
Well, excuse me, Gov. I've gotta see a man about a horse.
Hurry back.
Hey, new guy, you're going down!
You're gonna wish you stayed in the stables.
The Dragoon! What is he doing here?
JOCKEY: Hey, who are you?
Now, kids, don't try this at home!
Look, Ma, no hands.
Hey, what do you say, big guy? Should we let this one off the hook?
(NEIGHING)
Ah, the neighs have it.
(GROANING)
(LAUGHING)
Talk about back-to-back action!
Hey, Em!
EMILIA: Hurry up, Jack!
Show-off!
(GRUNTING)
(METALLIC CLATTERING)
(GROANING)
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
Come on!
(WHIP LASHING)
Time to reign you in, pal!
(LAUGHING)
Do not pass Go!
Yes!
(WHIP LASHING)
(EMILIA EXCLAIMING)
Oh, you go, girl!
Hey, Nut Cracker!
(LAUGHING)
And they're coming to the last corner.
We've got Gambling Habit two lengths clear of the Daring Dragoon!
You're doing great, Em. I'll hold the last one off, you win the race, okay?
You just watch me!
Right!
(SOBBING)
And in a big upset, Gambling Habit wins the race!
The Daring Dragoon has ruined my race!
I do like the way that masked man rides.
(SOBBING)
Empress.
Your day is up, Governor.
Please, have mercy.
We need more time.
(NEIGHING)
There you are, my darling!
I have missed you so, you bucking bronco, you.
Oh! Well, Governor,
I would love to stay, but urgent matter of state beckons.
I must get back in the saddle!
(EMPRESS GIGGLING)
To my ship! I missed you so much.
Brogard?
Well, Em, I'd say we gambled and won.
Oh, not another word, Jack. Not another word.
I'll tell you what. Au revoir, Empress.
I've learned my lesson. Your weaknesses can really sneak up on you.
Yeah, welcome to my world.
Hey, what do you say we stop by the Drunken PIG
and celebrate with a couple of pops?
Yeah, sounds great! Hey, I'll race you!
Oh, yeah? Okay, what're the stakes?
Oh, Jack, shame on you.
Loser buys the first round!
Hey, it's Brainy Brit putting on a good show,
but watch out, America the Beautiful is gaining.
(LAUGHING)