What's this about?
Um, I guess
professionalism,
like at least going through the motions of doing the job
and... and pretending it matters.
You're firing me?
Henry, I need this job.
Well, I am sorry.
Okay, well, this is kind of what I'm talking about.
- Am I unfired? - No.
I just lost my job. I need a drink.
Please, Henry, don't...
Look, I warned you three times, Tim. What am I supposed to do?
Not give a shit, like a human being.
Look, all you had to do was be on time and not get drunk.
It's not a difficult job description.
- It's 'cause I was born short. - What? No no.
Do you think it's easy holding that fucking tray up so high?
Look, Tim, this is only because you're a shitty worker. That's it.
Henry, the promoter's looking for you.
Yeah, okay, just in one second, Lydia.
The boss is busy firing me 'cause I make him uncomfortable.
It's... it's not true.
My car payments... I'm gonna lose my car
and my life will collapse because of you.
Are you happy?
No, I'm not happy.
You love the power, big boss man.
You're gonna think about this tonight, jerkoff.
Man over microphone: And we are back.
Does this seem okay to you?
Oh, you look so handsome, sweetie.
- Really? - Oh.
No, no hot pockets, honey, just salad,
study the "Hannah Montanas" and bed.
You got new headshots again?
Yeah, well, when my new BASE-jumping movie comes out,
I'll be bumped up to B list. I gotta rebrand, you know.
It's very bad. It's described in his contract.
Not only does this have six layers, not five,
- it's got four sides. - Okay, I understand.
You don't. The man is a practicing Satanist
- and five is very important to them... - Okay.
- Five layers, five sides, the pentagram.
You give a Satanist a four-sided sandwich...
that's like giving Golda Meir a fucking baked ham.
Okay, we're on it and we have the new ones ready to go.
- Henry, thank you. - Sure.
If Jackal Onassis bitches to me about one more thing...
No problem.
Are those ready to go?
- No. - No?
Hey Henry, check this out. What do you think, man?
Kyle, not now. Roman, the encore just ended.
I need these right now.
What the fuck do you want from me? I'm alone. Where's Tim?
- Henry fired him. - What?
Okay, Alan's sending a replacement.
It's actually someone we know.
Why did you fire Tim? Tim is awesome.
Because Tim didn't give a shit about the job,
which is something I actually wanted to talk to everyone about, okay?
Attitudes have been getting a little lax around here.
And so I just wanted to ask everyone if we could just...
...act more professional.
What? I'm trying to be serious here, Roman.
That's what makes it so funny... your posture and everything.
Okay, so just for tonight, if you could please try and pretend
to give 1/1,000,000% of a shit.
Wow, when did Knute Rockne show up?
Casey, welcome. Thank you for,
you know, the short notice. Everybody, you remember Casey.
Oh Lydia, I'm sorry. Casey Klein.
- Oh, welcome. - Hi.
Thank you.
Casey's the replacement?
- Dude, isn't that kind of awkward? - It's not. I knew she was coming.
- Casey. - Yes.
So tell me if you think it's cool or like, you know...
Cool, yeah. I mean, you're wearing a blouse...
...but that's cool.
No, they told me it was a unisex chemise.
- I think it's lovely. - Thanks.
- Hey, team leader. - Hey.
It's fucking crazy that you're a team leader.
Yeah, and we're kind of slammed tonight, so...
Uh, okay.
Well, is there something that you want me to do?
Shit. God damn it.
Roman, you take that one.
Here, can you pick those up?
"Born out of Satan's Anus"... Jeez, that's stupid.
Satan is a fallen angel. He can't poo.
- Excuse me. - He doesn't have an anus.
Must be awkward seeing Casey again, yeah?
I think I'll be able to manage.
So Uda must be fierce in the sack, huh?
This actually isn't a conversation I'm gonna participate in.
You don't have to. It's common knowledge
that uptight, controlling women are sexually explosive.
- Casey. - Hey.
God, am I glad to have a girl in this big boys' club.
Yeah.
You're so pretty. You have to be an actress.
Oh God, thank you.
No, I'm actually a comedienne. I'm not an actress.
Like Whoopi Goldberg?
Sort of.
Oh, Ed... my ex...
- Uh-huh. ... hates Whoopi Goldberg.
He said that women shouldn't do comedy because they're not naturally funny.
Well, club owners... many of them think that way.
- And he has issues with blacks. - Oh.
So why he would have an affair with one...
that's... that is a question for a psychologist.
Yeah.
Or as Ed would say,
a Jew faggot.
I'm serious, Jackal. That was brilliant.
I mean, it was fucking brilliant.
Oh thanks, Todd. Thanks for being so full of shit, man.
And I want to fuck your wife, so blah blah blah bullshit from you, man.
Uh, corrected sandwiches.
Very sorry for the mix-up.
Oh come on, man. I get bullshit from everybody in my life.
You can't seriously be very sorry about sandwiches.
This is your ex-husband?
Very ex, yes. Very ex.
Oh, me and Escapade left town back in Wapato.
Escapade... that's your car?
- My daughter, the future star. - Your daughter.
She acts, sings, dances, does comedy.
We sure would love to get some pointers from you on being funny.
- Oh God, I don't think... - Oh.
- I mean, I can try... - Ah!
...but I don't know what I can tell you guys.
Ohh.
- Okay. - Mm.
How are you doing?
- Because Kyle told me... - Mm-hmm.
That you and Henry
used to...
No. It was a long time ago.
It's really not a big deal.
- Yeah, I know how it is... - No.
...because after my divorce
I still worked as the receptionist at Ed's exterminating service.
- It's... - Cramped together...
- Yeah, but... ... hate and lust all...
Yeah, that doesn't sound great, but it's so not...
- We'll do a sign. ... the case.
- A sign? - We'll do a sign.
If you feel uncomfortable at any time,
give me the sign.
Great.
So you're not sorry?
Finally some reality. Thank you.
You're welcome. Is there anything else we can get you?
You know, I wanted all this. It's my fault.
I wanted this fame, success.
Do you guys know the gypsy's curse?
Your whole body is covered with warts.
"May you get everything you wish for"...
that's my curse.
Sorry to hear that. We actually have to go.
Why? What, do you have real-life responsibilities, man?
- Yes. - I wish I had those. I want those.
I have a fake life. I have fake friends,
fake conversations, fake experiences.
The pussy, the money... that's real.
Look, the pussy's here for the fame.
What the fuck is money?
It's mortar holding up stinking walls of bullshit.
You know what I wish I could buy?
This. Just being you guys...
you know, a real guy, an ordinary job.
This is a day job. I'm a writer, hard sci-fi.
But you deal with reality. You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, I know what you're saying. And that's why I think
this is actually not all that bad.
Okay. Okay. So then let's switch, man,
just for tonight. I mean, being me is easy, man.
All you gotta do is throw on some makeup, act like a total dick
and let the chicks throw themselves at you. What do you say?
- Yeah, I'm in. - What?
I can do it. You have a girlfriend.
Excuse me.
Hello.
What?
Okay, hold on. I am very sorry. I have to go.
- Roman, on the back bar. - Don't worry about me.
- Now. - Okay.
Ron?
Yes!
Henry, the big boss man.
- Oh shit. - Oh.
- Oh shit. - Whoa.
I saw the van. I was like, "Please let that be Henry's crew. "
- Yeah. - Yes!
- Wow, it's been a while. - Yeah.
Hey, how's Soup R' Crackers?
- A great experience. - Yeah?
Yes. I need you to get me backstage.
Oh. I don't know, Ron.
I mean, it's a crazy night and I'll get in trouble.
Yeah, no, I get it. I was team leader.
- Yeah. - Sure. Absolutely. I get it.
I just need you to do me a favor.
Will he do it? I could call Paco.
No. No, do not call Paco.
I got it.
That's Mandy. That's my lady-friend.
She's a big Jackal Onassis fan.
I promised her I'd get her backstage for an autograph.
Henry,
come on, buddy. I need a miracle.
Okay, just try to keep a low profile, okay?
I'm backstage at Jackal Onassis!
- Jesus. - I'm gonna get my drink on.
Uh, excuse me.
Where's Roman?
He's in makeup. We switched.
Jackal Onassis?
I want to be called Dennis.
Oh fuck.
Hey, listen, don't be mad at Roman, okay?
I said I'd have all of you guys fired if he didn't switch
or if you told anybody, so don't tell anybody.
I just want to be a real guy, man.
- But this isn't real. This is fake. - It's kind of real.
- It's not real. - It's realish.
Can I get a beer?
Yes, you may.
Where are the beers?
In the cooler. Check wristbands.
Jackal: The cooler.
Coming right up.
There you go, sweetie.
Don't "sweetie" me, asshole.
Oh, that is real. She just called me an asshole.
That is fantastic.
So what is your girlfriend's name then?
- My girlfriend? - Yeah.
Uda. Why?
Shooting the shit with my co-worker. It's what I do.
What line of work is she in, buddy?
Also catering, so it's kind of boring.
Consider the shit shot.
That is great. Do you know what's actually boring?
Fucking models in penthouses.
- Really? That's boring? - Yep.
- It doesn't sound boring to me. - Try doing it hundreds of times.
Still not boring.
Malibu and Coke and a Goldschläger shot.
Coming right up.
Hey, how's my boy doing as team leader?
This guy? He's terrific.
Yeah, I used to be his boss.
Where the fuck is Jackal Onassis? The show ended like an hour ago.
Hey, what did I say, sweetie? We're gonna get that autograph.
Why do you want his autograph anyway? He's just a guy.
He's awesome and fucking famous.
God, who are you? A bartender nobody who makes shitty drinks.
Oh!
I'm a bartender nobody, okay?
How awesome is that? This is really fun.
I want you so bad.
Yeah, great. I want you.
Woman: Whoa.
Woman #2: Oh my God, there he is.
- Hey. - You are so awesome.
- Yeah. - I'm freaking out. I just...
could I please get your autograph?
Yeah. Well, you know, why don't we go to my dressing room,
the three of us,
and I'll do you first?
Does that turn you on?
I was just joking. That was...
ha ha ha ha...
you know, jokes.
Hey, we need glasses in the back bar, please.
Okay.
So what, we don't see each other for nine months
and that's your big opening line?
Um, yeah. I'm sorry, I just...
I had to fire a guy. And Roman's...
doing something weird.
- And there's a new guy. - Mm-hmm.
There's a new guy. It's just... it's a weird night.
- Very weird. - How have you been?
I've been fine.
The cruise was good.
- Yeah? - It was...
you know, I worked on my act
and I did not get a stomach virus,
which I consider to be some kind of a coup.
- That is terrific. - And now I'm back here.
- I'm working the grind. - Great.
Oh, I'm seeing somebody now,
which is purely by way of information.
It's not to make any sort of awkward...
- Hi, Lydia. - Hi.
Do you need something?
No.
Nope.
- How are you? - I'm good.
- Yeah? - Yeah, I'm great.
- How's acting? - Acting?
Um, no, I'm just, you know,
team leading.
Right.
This is where the magic happened.
They call this "the prep zone"... "the prep zone. "
- Hey. - Casey Klein. Casey Klein.
- Ron. - Oh my God.
- What are you doing here? - Oh my goodness.
Oh, Mandy... Casey. I was her boss.
Are you guys back together?
- Oh, no no. - No no no.
How is Soup R' Crackers?
Oh.
A great experience, unbelievable.
That's really great, Ron. I'm really happy for you.
But this is the best part... this beauty.
Mandy came in and applied for a cashier job
and I just had this feeling... I just wanted to make her happy.
- So he hired me. - Yeah. Mission accomplished.
Until it cratered, which sucks
because now I'm at IHOP and it blows.
Wait, what do you mean it cratered? What happened?
Nothing.
Nothing... nothing happened.
I did everything right.
It should have been huge. Bad economy...
what do you think of?
Soup kitchen, bread lines, all-you-can-eat salad, right?
And what does corporate do with this opportunity?
They fucking go bankrupt.
Ron, are we gonna get the autograph
or just look at bars and kitchens?
Yes. Yes, autograph.
Good to see you, Ron.
Oh, good memories.
Come on.
I'm coming. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Yeah, so it's a weird night.
That girl is, like, 11.
- Um, the glasses. - The glasses. The glasses.
- Henry. - Hey.
Henry, listen, do me a favor. Just remind your guys
to lock the door when they go to the van,
because you get people trying to sneak in.
- It's a whole thing. - Of course, sir. I'll take care of it.
And can you tell the bartender to go easy on the booze?
- Sure. - Okay, good.
It's no picnic being the boss, eh?
That's true.
"Are we having fun yet?"
You look like that guy on the beer ads.
- Yeah yeah, I get that a lot. - Yeah.
I mean, everything you said... I'm doing it.
They're just not going for it.
The contempt part's really important, man.
I have total contempt for these dumb bitches.
They're brainless morons.
I don't know what to tell you, Roman. You want to have sex with them?
- Yes. - Okay, well, that's the problem.
You have to not want it. If you want it, they're not into it.
Like Zeno's paradox.
I can't see shit without my glasses.
Is that blonde over there hot?
The one with the tights and the eyeliner?
- I don't know. I can't tell. - It's a man.
- Fucking shit. - I think I saw some
pretty damaged-looking sluts over by the snack tray though.
- That's my type. - Do it.
Mr. Jackal, Mr. Jackal, I have a very special lady-friend
- who would love your autograph. - Fuck off, loser.
Excuse me.
- Hey, you must be the new guy. - Yeah.
Hey hey, how is it going with Henry?
It is going fine with Henry. Thank you for asking again.
I'm Dennis. You must be Uda.
- What? No, I'm Casey. - Oh.
It's so weird that you'd say Uda.
I just... well, I know Henry's dating a caterer named Uda, so...
Henry is... Henry is dating Uda Bengt?
Blonde, works for Valhalla Cater...
Isn't it something
how guys always rebound to your opposite?
My ex... his new girlfriend is a professional athlete.
She's got triceps that make her hat fly off.
Hey, how's it going, guys?
Fine.
Ahem, Casey, may I speak with you in the next room for a moment?
Yeah sure, Lydia. What do you need help with?
Nothing. I don't need anything.
I thought we were doing the getaway.
What are you talking about? What does that even mean...
- doing the getaway? - Didn't you give me the sign?
I didn't do the sign. I don't know what the sign is.
You totally did the sign. It's this.
There's no way that... I've never done that in my life.
So the host complained you're making the drinks too strong.
Am I gonna get fired, man?
How intense would that be? "You are terminated.
Give me your key card. " Right?
He just wants to save on booze.
Okay, pinching pennies.
I never would have thought about that, man.
That is fucking adorable. This whole thing is awesome.
- Thank you so much. - No problem.
Hey, what's going on with you and Casey?
Nothing. Why?
It's just when I talked about your girlfriend, she got a little weird.
Weird like upset or...?
Just weird.
Weird.
Just those eyes... those vacant eyes.
So what do I do? I give them something to live for,
a direction, a hope, a future. You guys ever heard of Nietzsche?
Hey, Jackal Onassis, man.
Hey, I just want to say I really really respect your act, you know?
- I'm in a band myself. - Yeah, I bet you are.
What, is it emo pop bullshit that you put up?
Right. It's actually... it's kind of like emo,
but it's more like power emo, you know?
That sounds shittier than emo.
- Do you guys play around? - Yeah, you know, Cherry, Ice Castle.
You should check us out. You guys would fucking love it.
- How many albums have I sold? - Eight million.
That's right. Eight million. So why the fuck are you guys talking to this...?
We have a show coming up next weekend. You guys should come.
I'll put you on the list. It's super easy.
Wait a second. Were you in "Society Kids"?
- Yeah yeah. - You were the Harvard guy.
- Yes. Yeah. - Oh my God.
I do a lot of acting and, you know, some modeling and stuff.
- Security. - I can see it.
- What's the problem, sir? - I'm trying to talk to these girls.
The problem is...
He is talking to them.
But from the security angle...
Hey man, I just want to say I have mad respect for you.
- Hey, give me you guys' names. - Yeah, let's go.
Are you fucking serious?
Oh my God.
I am like your hugest fan.
I'll do anything for an autograph.
- Anything? - Mm-hmm.
All right.
Home sweet home.
Let me just find a pen.
Those skulls are awesome.
Yeah, I'm thinking of getting rid of them. They're old.
Oh, you want me to sign one of these photos?
Actually, would you mind doing two?
Okay. You want one for your friend?
For my twins.
Sorry.
She says she's okay, but I worry.
You know what? Henry's the one I'm worried about.
Henry? Why?
Yeah, she dumped him... yeah, booked the gig,
left him high and dry. It was fucking cold.
- What? - Yeah.
- He did not mention that to me. - He probably, you know,
feels emasculated and super embarrassed and stuff.
I'm sure he does. It's classic Henry, right, Kyle?
- That's right. - And now they have to work together.
Can you even imagine what he must have done to her?
Malibu and Coke.
Has anybody seen my little lady-friend?
What are you looking...?
Oh.
I warned them.
Workplace romance... bad idea.
You know, I got a team to run and these two are screwing in the closet.
Seizing that desperate moment amidst the drudgery.
That is some real life, you guys.
Henry and Casey aren't even right for each other.
Henry is much better off with Uda.
Yeah, but you can tell there's something still there.
- They're totally awkward together. - Wait, Henry's dating Uda Bengt?
- Yeah. - Totally.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
Yeah.
If this is weird for you,
then I can totally get Alan to send somebody else.
- It's really not a big deal. - No no no, not at all.
Well, Dennis just told me
that you're seeing Uda, so...
I mean, if you told Dennis that and you didn't tell me,
then I figure things are probably kind of weird for you.
Okay, well, I was going to tell you, but...
What?
I didn't want it to be awkward.
Well, I don't want it to be awkward either,
- obviously. - Okay. But it kind of is.
So I don't know.
Well, if it's too weird, I can call Alan
and have Mundo here for tomorrow.
It's up to you.
Not the sign.
I don't know, okay? I don't... I can't...
Here, look, I have a coin. I'll flip a coin. How about that?
Whoo! I got it. He's so cool.
- You got the autograph? Yeah, on my tits.
Oh.
On both of them.
That doesn't say "Jackal Onassis. "
Well, maybe it's his real name. I don't know what it is.
It's Arnold Sherling.
And look. Lucky I shaved yesterday.
"Roman DeBeers. "
What's that?
Roman DeBee...
- Roman. What?
- Roman. - Who's that?
Heads.
So I'll stay.
So heads was "stay"? Was that heads?
- Yeah. - Okay, good.
Ron: It's Ron, you asshole. You fucking weasel!
That's my lady-friend! What the fuck, man?
I had no idea. She didn't say anything about a boyfriend.
- Ron. God, don't embarrass me. - Ron: Roman, you fucking weasel.
- Oh my God, is that Roman? - I told you... crazy night.
Mandy: You can't be jealous. He's a superstar.
No, listen to me. That isn't Jackal Onassis.
It's Roman. I was his boss.
I knew it. See, he had no aura.
Wait, so who signed my tits and my VJ
wasn't Jackal Onassis? It was just some guy?
The difference is what, folks? Come on.
Oh yuck! Kill him, Ron.
- Fuck him up. - I'm gonna fucking rip your...
Roman: Oh my God, get him!
Man: Holy shit. Oh!
- Holy shit. - Mandy: Baby?
- What the fuck? - How long does this last?
Jackal, I'll handle it.
All right, where's her wristband? Do they even have passes?
How did they get in? How did you get in here, hmm?
He let us in.
Henry, come on.
You're supposed to be the leader and set an example.
Now I'm gonna have to call your boss.
- Okay... - She meant me. I let them in.
Yeah, it's the bartender.
I'm really sorry, boss. Please don't fire me.
Right.
Don't worry, Jeff. I'll take care of this.
Dennis,
you're fired!
His first day...
poor Dennis.
What a night.
And I got fired. Thanks for that, man.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
You picked the right career choice.
Well, actually I wanted to be an actor.
No no no, fame's a curse, man.
I go back to the gilded cage. You get to go home, hang out with Uda.
Eat leftovers and watch "The Mentalist" on TiVo.
- I don't know what that is. - It's a show.
It's a guy who solves crimes using his mind.
- It's Uda's favorite. - Okay.
I envy you, Henry.
So here's what's happening: We're gonna head back to the hotel,
we're gonna order some food and we're gonna watch some...
- what is it? - "The Mentalist. "
- I love that show.
Let's go.
Well, I don't feel uncomfortable about a lot of this,
so I personally am looking forward to being friendly co-workers.
- Okay. - Working side by side in the trenches.
Well, side by side... technically I am your boss
so don't forget that.
Rona: She is gonna be the death of me.
But I can't help it. I love her so much. I love her so much.
Henry, can you do me a favor?
I can try.
Mandy is all I got.
And I just want to make her happy.
And I have no money coming in.
She's bleeding me dry. Can you talk to Alan Duk
and see if...
see if maybe he'll give me my old job back?
- I'll see what I can do. - Yeah?
Henry.
The autograph, if she still wants it.
Henry,
thank you so much.
Sure.
Hey Mandy, I got it. Didn't I say I was gonna get it?
I got it. I got it. I got it.