Have I ever read Snow Crash? Yeah.
Yeah, like for the tenth time
As I was waiting for
Neal Stephenson to sign my copy.
Okay so then you know the character,
Vitaly Chernobyl?
Um, front man for
Vitaly Chernobyl and the meltdowns,
Pioneer of the Ukrainian nuclear fuzz-grunge movement.
All-around badass.
Yes I know Vitaly Chernobyl.
All right well, they're making it a movie.
That's the part I'm going out for.
No.
Hell yeah.
So you gotta help me with like a take on the character.
Fuck no. Why not?
Vitaly Chernobyl is fucking awesome.
You're so wrong.
That'd be like if in "Aliens"
They had cast Kate Hudson to play Ripley.
I would root for the fucking aliens.
Okay, you know what, you wanna be turtle
Of my entourage, you gotta start being nicer to me.
Fuck that, fuck Entourage,
And I'd be e, you'd be turtle--
I'm the Vince man.
Now get my car,
And I'll let you fuck my leftovers.
Henry.
Would you like me to put this stemware in the prep tent?
(loud music)
Ah, 20 minutes late.
You gonna write him up, boss man?
Don't think I won't.
I have a very complex demerit system.
Does the new guy have a daughter, too?
Yeah.
Oh.
Yeah, they're very close.
Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
Okay Kyle, you take the South lawn bar;
I'll take the North.
Okay Ron, you and Casey will serve.
And Lydia, you and Roman
Will handle the prep work, okay?
But, Henry...
Oh, Captain, my Captain.
That's gross.
Ron what do you need?
We gonna put out the tip jar today?
There's a tip jar?
We get tips?
Not since Henry took over.
(Ron) I'm just saying--
I've worked a bunch of these school auctions.
And people just want to show off.
You know, so they wave around their Lincolns
And their Hamilton's.
Like, "look at me! Look at me!
I own a hotel on park place!"
Yeah Ron, you're right, tip jar!
You know, tip jar!
Tip jar! Tip jar!
No, we are not putting out the tijar.
We're just gonna go with the guarantee.
Is there anything else?
Tip jar.
Yeah, what do I know?
I've only been doing this for like eight years.
What do I know?
What's that?
I can't hear you.
Can I see you outside for a second?
Sure.
What's up Ron?
See what I just did?
What?
I'm modeling managerial behavior.
I removed the actor from the audience Henry.
Okay, see when people are acting up,
You deprive them of the oxygen that fuels the fire--
Yeah, but Ron,
You were the "actor" in this scenario so--
Okay take my advice, or don't.
Put out the tip jar, or don't.
Your call Henry.
Okay. Really, I mean--
But you're gonna be killing yourself
Trying to be their friend.
It's better that they respect you--
Okay, let's see here, um--
Hey Ron, those are some pretty vile
Pit stains you've got there,
Why don't you put on a wind-breaker from the van
So the guests don't puke.
Oh and also, if you're fucking 20 minutes late again,
Don't bother showing up.
Um, something like that?
Uncanny X-MEN number four.
Holy shit!
So was there like an exact moment
When you knew that you were gonna quit acting?
Yeah I guess when I saw my picture
Next to Joe Isuzu in a TV guide
"where are they now" thing,
I was pretty sure it was the only honorable path.
Why?
I auditioned for this Apatow movie today.
That's great.
Why do you sound like
You're considering early retirement?
I'm just like, sitting there in the waiting room
And there's all these girls
And they all look exactly like me,
And I know that they're thinking
The exact same thing that I'm thinking,
It was crazy,
It was like this flash of insignificance.
So how'd it go?
They laughed, so--
Well that's good.
It's just this one scene, but it's so good.
I don't want to put too much stock in it,
But I sort of feel like if I get this,
It'll pretty much validate
Every single decision I've ever made
In my entire life that led me to this very moment.
Wow, well, it's good to put all of your eggs in one place
Where you can really keep your eye on them--
(phone rings)
Maybe you could keep that on silent?
These are my thick pants.
So I can't feel the vibration--
Right.
Hello?
Well what's the audition for?
No, I can't go to Anaheim
Because I have the Sunday groundlings show.
Yeah, fine.
Okay just-- will you send me the breakdown--
Okay thanks.
If you're finished with your phone call,
I was hoping I could bother you for a glass of wine.
Is that a chardonnay or a Riesling you have there?
White wine.
Didn't I say, go with Valhalla?
You did Mrs. Doyle.
You get what you pay for, Ms. Legros.
You're right as usual, Mrs. Doyle--
I apologize.
I am so sorry, she can be a little--
Cunty?
Yeah, that's the word, cunty.
Unfortunately, she is the one who's gonna write
A letter of recommendation for my son,
So I have to kiss her ass until it's done.
So, groundlings--?
I used to be in groundlings--
No way.
Let me get nice levels for you,
So everybody can hear you.
I need that higher.
How's that?
My God.
I can bring it lower.
(Annie) all right, this is all you need to know
About Los Angeles schools all right?
There are 300 kindergarten slots in top quality schools.
50,000 parents battling it out
To get their kids in.
But your kid gets into a top elementary,
Then they go to Harvard-Westlake or Brentwood,
Straight shot to Yale or Stanford.
How do you get into one of these top quality schools?
Three ways.
You can be absurdly wealthy,
You can be famous,
Or, you can take my path,
Where you volunteer to run the pre-school silent auction
Which is why I have officially retired
From the comedy community.
And here I am:
Taking seriously the shit I used to make fun of.
I have spent a year of my life
Busting my ass mom-wrangling,
And today, the director says if we don't meet our goal,
There's no letter of recommendation.
No.
Janice Werkhoven.
What is that?
It is a wine and cheese basket from Greenblatt's.
Some top-flight bottles in here.
A couple 92s--
Yeah I thought you were putting up
Cooking lessons with Wolfgang puck!
Yeah, that kinda fell through.
At least look me in the eye when you're fucking me--
Oh but why would you worry right?
Of course those starfuckers
At Penhall academy are gonna take your kid, right?
'cause your husband's movie opened huge.
You don't carpool with her, do you?
Hello and welcome
To the precious lights silent auction!
I'm Mrs. Doyle,
The director of precious lights.
The auction closes at six P.M. Sharp
At which time I expect to see our total
Above the 250,000 dollar--
(phone ringing)
Mark.
(chatter)
Yeah yeah, super tough right?
And then the guy has the--
Hey so I thought about it,
And um, you might not totally suck as Vitaly Chernobyl,
So if you want me to help you work
On character development--
Oh you know what, I got it taken care of.
See lane here, is a huge snow crash fan,
Yeah, yeah we've been breaking it down a little bit.
I think I'm gonna play it kinda like Pitt in "12 monkeys".
Unhinged, you know--
Touch of magnolia cruise.
All testosterone.
Great big balls just dragging in the dirt.
Love it.
Sounds like you guys got it covered.
We got it, it's good.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Thanks buddy. Thank you.
What's up.
Lend me 80 bucks.
Why?
Some dipshit is auctioning off uncanny X-MEN #4.
Right now the bid's at 75 dollars.
It's worth at least four times that.
Oh okay, so that's why all-of-a-sudden
I'm an awesoue Vitaly Chernobyl--
I said you might not totally suck--
That's all you got?
Really, to sweet talk me out of the stack
Of 20s in my wallet, that's it?
Dude, you are a terrible actor.
That's horrible.
Look who's fucking talking.
What?
You're not even an actor.
You're a haircut okay? What does that even mean?
You know the difference between
You and James Vanderbeek" parrot?
The parrot can deliver a line.
Whatever High School drama coach
Filled the void between your ears with big ideas
Probably just wanted to give little Kyle a couple tugs.
He had no idea he was creating a monster.
Fucking can't act creature from the no talent lagoon.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that was--
I was just-- I was just fucking with you.
Shut the fuck up man.
I'm probably just jealous
You know, that you might get a part in that movie--
I didn't mean it.
Just a haircut, huh?
Fuck you, bitch.
You just took the master class.
Foo!
Good one.
Can I get that 80 bucks?
What is wrong with your people?
They're vulgar.
They're drinking on the job.
Taking personal phone calls.
And you've got one out there
With whom I think you need to have a Frank talk
About personal hygiene.
Do you know which one I'm talking about?
I do.
Good.
Then handle it.
Okay.
My lady.
You have a very nice day.
Thanks Roman, that was helpful.
Word up.
Oh hey, boss.
Hey--
Okay what is this, what're you doing?
I'm you Henry.
You're me?
This job is beneath me so I mope around
And I pop pills and I drink
And I have sex with my co-workers--
Okay so you stole my Vicodin?
Was it stealing at all those parties
When you'd drink the host's booze?
Probably.
Was it stealing when you used to smoke my weed?
Oh you mean when you'd pass me a joint
And tell me not to be a pussy?
I don't think that qualifies.
Now look Ron--
You didn't make it easy for me when I was top banana Henry.
Okay so what's good for the goose
Is good for the gander.
Um, that actually means that the same rules
Should apply for men and women.
I'm a man, Henry--
Ron, you asked me for this job, right?
Yeah, and who'da thunk?
You, on top of the world.
And me, working for you.
Huh?
That's like "trading places",
And I'm Dan Aykroyd and you're Eddie money.
Eddie money?
And Mandy is my Jamie Lee Curtis,
She saved me from being a bum.
And Uda--
Uda is your black lady in the bikini, yeah.
Doesn't matter--
At the end of the movie
With Billy Ray Valentine,
He's in a hot tub
And the black lady with the bikini.
Ron it's not "trading places".
You're not Dan Aykroyd, I'm not Eddie Murphy.
I'm definitely not Eddie money,
Just take the wind-breaker,
And put it on this time, okay?
We're getting complaints.
I'm Dan Aykroyd.
You're not Dan Aykroyd.
Says Eddie Murphy.
Tell that fucking prick two hit shows in five years
Is enough to get most guys fired.
He must really be sucking the shit out of Mickey's
Little rodent cock over there at Mouschwitz.
Scotch rocks.
If he wants the TV rights,
He's gonna have to work some of that magic on my ball sack.
Yeah, tell him to bring knee pads
And an appetite for man juice.
Let's go, it's not a fuckin' souffle.
It's you know, ice and scotch.
The Eastons are auctioning their Sun Valley cabin
For a week this summer.
The summer?
What do people do in Idaho in the summer?
What do they wait for the rapture?
Hoard food?
Practice goose-stepping?
What the hell are we auctioning?
Lunch with Tom Hanks.
Don't die Leonard.
We're in the final year of my pre-nup.
When we met you said you and Tom are close--
I was trying to get into your pants.
Hanks hasn't talked to me since
I put him in Turner and fucking Hooch.
I can't make a lunch happen.
Fine.
So win the auction.
It'll impress the school director.
Oh hey, Stilskin,
Your Edgar Allen Poe movie sucked ass.
350 million dollars World-Wide there four eyes.
Why don't you get me a little fucking umbrella
For my cocktail before they call you back
To the set of the big bang theory.
I mean come on, Channing Tatum as young Lincoln?
Are you shitting me?
You could have had Henry here at scale.
Taylor's sweet 16?
The fucking are-we-having-fun-yet guy.
All right, I'll tell you what Henry,
Take off your shirt.
If you've got abs like Channing Tatum,
I'll make you a big fucking star.
See this is a business,
Fucking idiots.
Check out my wife here.
Her nipples got hard
Just at the combination of the two words:
Channing and Tatum.
Fuck you, Leonard.
Goddamn honey, it's a compliment.
I trust those nips of yours more than any focus group.
Casey! Yeah.
Casey.
How much you think I can get for a 1998 grand marquis?
Why are you asking me that?
Rag top, fully loaded, it has air, power windows,
Every Saturday was the Uncle fuzzy show.
All the birthday kids
Got to reach into the fun tub and pick out their present.
And then Uncle fuzzy himself would give them a tickle.
Creepy.
So when my birthday was coming around
I took a Polaroid of myself, I put it in an envelope,
And gave it to my mom to mail.
Six months later I opened up
The glove compartment in my mom's car,
Guess what I found?
My envelope
For Uncle fuzzy.
And when I asked my mom why she had never mailed it to him,
She said, "why waste a perfectly good stamp?"
Uh sorry, don't mean to be a buzz-kill,
But we're kinda getting the evil eye
From the people running the party--
Hey listen, comrade Stalin.
We're kinda in the middle of a big decision here.
Mm-hmm.
I made a promise to myself
That I would support my daughter escapade's dreams,
And Tom Hanks would love escapade.
I'm gonna do it.
And I'm sell that grand marquis
To pay off the bill--
You're not gonna get a grand for that shitbox.
I think you need to set the bar a little bit lower.
You're never gonna get Hanks,
R Kelly maybe, if he's available--
Oh get away from my X-MEN, old man.
Okay wait a second,
Bidding on the Hanks lunch?
No don't do that Lydia, that's a waste of time--
"waste of time," yeah.
"waste of a stamp." I don't know--
Pack on 50 pounds,
And work a Virginia slim in each hand,
And you could be my mom.
No, Lydia.
I heard Stiltskin say
That he can't make the Hanks lunch happen,
So he's gonna outbid anyone who tries to win it.
Do you even remember
What it was like to have a dream?
I'm gonna be in the tent.
Melon-balling.
With one hand.
Hey, I wanted to ask you if--
If you could maybe stay off your phone
For the remainder of the event,
That'd be terrific.
Listen, didn't we always used to say
That they don't pay us enough
To give a shit about any of this?
But as a team leader, they kinda do,
And I'm kinda used to the health insurance Casey,
You know, and I was able to move out
Of my studio apartment into a one bedroom.
With a view.
Wow. Okay?
It's a view of a taco bell, but still, it's a view.
Fine.
I will stay off the phone.
Thanks. Mmm-hmm. Thank you.
Hey Bruce, I just got the breakdown that you sent me
For the "perky suburban mom?" minivan commercial thing?
That's a joke right?
Because I'm not "mom" material,
Man, I'm acerbic 20-something.
You know, I'm funny but fuckable waitress--
No--
God, fuckity-fuck fuck fuck.
Hey there, sport.
Hey. Hi.
Need help?
I just-- I haven't done that in a while.
Great, yeah.
Oh, you know what, no.
I can't do that.
Every time I steal a cigarette
My son tells me I smell like grandpa.
My son, who's gonna have to put himself
Through trade school sucking off truck drivers
Because we're 30,000 dollars short
And there's 40 minutes left.
Why are you staring at me?
Actually just having this crazy revelation.
I just told my Agent that I can't play a suburban mom,
But then I look at you,
And this whole "verge of hysteria" thing,
That's-- I can do that, I can totally do that.
Yeah wow, auditions.
I do not miss that.
They're awful.
Sitting in a casting room
With a dozen women that look exactly like you.
Who would murder each other
To get a couple lines on Becker.
Waiting around, oh you didn't get the part.
You were too funny.
You're not funny enough.
Oh you're too tall.
You're too cold, you're too--
I've gotten "too Jew-y" before.
Really. Yeah,
And I was reading for "diary of Anne Frank." so--
Mysterious, yeah.
You know what, seriously
Would much rather just be shooting hoops
In the driveway with Sam.
I don't know how you do it.
(Mrs. Doyle) auction ends in 30 minutes.
I am so fucked.
Hey, how much money did you you say you needed
To reach your goal?
No, listen to me.
Third wife-- no kids.
You put your foot down on that.
Okay well my plan only calls for two wives.
Yeah see, first one-- crazy Vegas wedding
With someone more famous than me.
You know, gets me in the tabloids.
I dunno, a Lohan.
Maybe an Olsen twin.
Shit, I'm gonna--
Someone outbid you, Leonard.
Jesus Christ on a fuck-stick!
I bid 20-cum-sucking-grand!
What kind of retarded starfucker outbid me?
Tom's an icon,
This is L.A.
People have disposable income.
You once told me you'd drink two pints
Of ape sperm to play pebble beach with Tiger Woods.
Yeah but that's sports.
Sports are cool.
Tom Hanks is a grown man
Who wears eyeliner and plays make believe.
It's faggy.
Fuck, what's the new bid?
40.
40 grand-- another fucking 20 grand?
Jesus.
Would you prefer eight years of driving to the valley
For every school function?
Maybe you could just call Tom and beg.
Hey this is your fault
And I'm firing your fucking tennis coach.
Okay, you can find somebody
Who'll fuck you for free.
He's a pilates instructor.
Dick.
Vodka red bull.
Oh shit, that was awkward.
What was?
You know-- if he remembered us hooking up.
I don't remember us hooking up.
Oh uh, well we did...
Sounds like it was awesome.
(Mrs. Doyle) hello moms and dads!
This is your last chance to put in your bids.
I'm telling you, I have inside information,
This is definitely gonna work.
The auction ends in...
This is so dumb.
Not only won't I get a letter of recommendation,
But now I'm on the hook for 40,000 dollars.
I'm so fucked.
(crowd) 18, 17, 16...
Oh my God.
Hey look, look.
(crowd) 11...
Ten, nine, eight...
Oh, I think Sammy maybe just got into Stanford.
Here we go!
Four, three, two, one!
(Mrs. Doyle) moms and dads!
I have some very good news.
We have just reached our fund raising total.
I would like to say a very special thank you
To our auction chairwoman,
Ms. Annie Legros.
Come on up here.
Oooh, see?
Suburban mom!
Not such a bad gig.
(Mrs. Doyle) and don't forget everyone,
I want you to stick around
For our precious lights singers--
(phone beeps)
And then he says, "don't do it;
It's a waste of time."
And I was like,
Uh yeah, well we know you've given up on your dreams, Henry,
But does that mean that you have poop
On everybody else's pound cake?
It's gone to his head-- being team leader.
Now, he's rubbed my nose in it
Ever since I got here today.
See that's why I'm trying to give him
A taste of his own medicine.
Popping pills
And sulking.
Now, all I gotta do is try to convince Casey
To sneak off with me, have sex.
Uh-oh, I don't think your little girlfriend's
Gonna like that too much.
No not really have sex with me.
See, this is what Henry and Casey used to do
When I was team leader.
You know, and I just want him to acknowledge
The fact that he put me through some shit.
But I don't think Casey's gonna for it.
Well.
Would any co-worker do?
Hey, I've decided to make a list
Of reasons why you shouldn't quit.
Um, I'm actually only thinking of two,
But still, I think that qualifies as a "list"--
I got the part.
The Apatow movie.
What?
Holy shit, really?
I have a wardrobe fitting on Monday.
That's great!
Oh, okay.
Wow, that's great.
Thank you for making a list though!
Sure, no problem.
Hey can I uh, buy you a drink?
Yes,
Yes you can-- you can buy me a drink.
So Henry,
You were like a big deal at one point. Yeah.
You gotta tell me what to do.
Like who do I-- how do I know which of the little people
To like, totally crush?
Oh it's just totally random.
You just start arbitrarily fucking people over.
Cool, I can do that.
(groaning)
Is somebody slaughtering a water Buffalo in there?
Well, I'm pretty sure this is for my benefit.
(Lydia) I feel daddy Dick.
(Ron) oh you love daddy Dick don't you?
(Lydia) I love daddy Dick.
Well Ron certainly sounds like a world class lover.
Yeah, he has real staying power.
Sir!
I would like you and your crew
Off this property immediately!
Come along children.
Your supervisor will be hearing from me.
Hippity hop everybody, hippity hop.
(Ron) you can't handle the truth!
"the truth" being the name I gave my penis.
Henry?
Yeah.
Is it too late for me to apologize
For being an asshole about you being the boss?
'cause I can kinda see now
How much of a suck-ass job it is.
Ron?
Is that Ron?
Shit!
Take my big fat Dick.
Can you take it? Oh yeah baby!
Yeah cock master, yeah!
Get in, balls too, there's room.
Yeah, now!
Now that you have everything in there--
Hey guys.
Did it really sound like we were having sex?
I'm sorry Henry, I'm sorry.
Was it something we said?
That's very funny.
Ron, Mandy just took off in your car.
She was outside the tent for that last bit.
Mandy!
Well there's a lesson in there somewhere right?
(Leonard) hey, fuck face.
I just found that that bitch who was bidding against me
Is some flat broke divorcee.
You fucked me, didn't you?
You, you cost me 20 grand.
All right, here's a promise, you fucking has-been never-was.
You'll never work in this town again.
I know.
♪
Lydia, what happened to your arm?
Oh, Henry.
It's so sweet of you to notice.
It's escapade.
We were working on our trust falls
And I guess it was kinda silly of me
To expect at 14 year old
To be able to catch my dead weight.
Trust falls?
You live and learn.
Hey, so did you get it?
Oh yeah man, right here.
Uncanny X-MEN numero quatro.
300, right? Yeah.
Oh, nice.
Okay so uh--
20, 30--
Told you so.
50--
I'm gonna make a pile here.
Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
Tree!