Hey, you ever read that sci-fi novel "Snow Crash"?
- Have I ever read "Snow Crash"? - Yeah.
Yeah, like for the 10th time
as I was waiting for Neil Stephenson to sign my copy.
Okay, so then you know the character of Vitaly Chernobyl.
Um, front man for Vitaly Chernobyl and the Meltdowns,
pioneer of the Ukrainian nuclear fuzz-grunge movement,
all-around badass? Yes, I know Vitaly Chernobyl.
All right, well, they're making it into a movie.
That's the part I'm going out for.
- No. - Hell yeah.
So you gotta help me with, like, the take on the character.
- Fuck no. - Why not?
Vitaly Chernobyl is fucking awesome.
You're so wrong. That'd be like if in "Aliens"
they had cast Kate Hudson to play Ripley.
I would root for the fucking aliens.
Okay, you know what? You want to be Turtle of my "Entourage"?
You gotta start being nicer to me.
Fuck that. Fuck "Entourage. "
And I'd be E. You'd be Turtle.
Kyle: I'm the Vince, man.
Now get my car. And I'll let you fuck my leftovers.
Henry, would you like me to put this stemware
in the prep tent?
Oh, 20 minutes late.
Are you gonna write him up, boss man?
Don't think I won't. I have a very complex demerit system.
Does the new guy have a daughter too?
Get up here.
Oh.
Yeah, they're very close.
Ugh.
Okay, Kyle, you take the south lawn bar.
I'll take the north, okay?
Ron, you and Casey will serve.
And Lydia, you and Roman will handle the prep work, okay?
- But, Henry, I... - O Captain! My Captain!
- Bro, that's gross. - Ron, what do you need?
Are we gonna put out the tip jars tonight?
There's tip jars? We get tips?
Not since Henry took over.
I'm just saying I worked a bunch of these school auctions
and people just want to show off, you know.
So they wave around their Lincolns and their Hamiltons like,
"Look at me! Look at me! I own a hotel on Park Place. "
Yeah, Ron, you're right... tip jar, you know?
Tip jar! Tip jar!
- Tip jar! Tip jar! Tip jar! - Okay, no.
We are not putting out the tip jar.
We're just gonna go with guarantees. Is there anything else?
- Tip jar. - Ron: Yeah, what do I know?
I've only been doing this for, like, eight years. What do I know?
What's that?
- I can't hear you. - Can I see you outside for a second?
Sure.
What's up, Ron?
- See what I just did? - What?
I'm modeling managerial behavior.
I removed the actor from the audience, Henry, okay?
See, when people are acting up, you deprive them
of the oxygen that fuels the fire.
Yeah, but Ron, you were the actor in this scenario, so I...
Okay, take my advice or don't. Put out the tip jar or don't.
- Your call, Henry, really. - Okay.
But you're gonna be killing yourself trying to be their friend.
- It's better that they respect you. - Okay, let's see here...
Um, hey Ron,
those are some pretty vile pit stains you've got there.
Why don't you put on a windbreaker from the van
so the guests don't puke?
Oh, and also if you're fucking 20 minutes late again,
don't bother showing up.
Um, something like that?
Man: Hey, how are you doing?
- Good to see you. - Man #2: You too.
Woman: Did you bring your checkbook?
Man: Right here in my back pocket.
"Uncanny X-Men" #4?
Holy shit.
So was there like an exact moment
when you knew that you were gonna quit acting?
Yeah, I guess when I saw my picture next to Joe Isuzu
in a "TV Guide: Where Are They Now?" thing
I was pretty sure it was the only honorable path.
Why?
I auditioned for this Apatow movie today.
That's great. Why do you sound
like you're considering early retirement?
I'm just like sitting there in the waiting room
and there's all these girls
and they all look exactly like me
and I know that they're thinking the exact same thing that I'm thinking.
And it was crazy. It was just like
this flash of insignificance.
So how did it go?
Well, they laughed, so...
Well, that's good.
It's just this one scene, but it's so good.
I don't want to put too much stock in it,
but I sort of feel like if I get this,
it'll pretty much validate every single decision
I have ever made in my entire life
that led me to this very moment.
Wow. Well, it's good to put all of your eggs in one place
where you can really keep your eye on them.
Maybe you could keep that on silent.
These are my thick pants, so I can't feel the vibration.
- All right. - Hello.
Well, what's the audition for?
No, I can't go to Anaheim
because I have the Sunday Groundlings show.
Yeah, fine.
Okay, just will you send me the breakdown?
Okay, thanks.
If you're finished with your phone call,
I was hoping I could bother you for a glass of wine.
Is that a Chardonnay or a Riesling you have there?
White wine.
Didn't I say, "Go with Valhalla"?
You did, Mrs. Doyle.
You get what you pay for, Miss LeGros.
You're right as usual, Mrs. Doyle.
I apologize.
I'm so sorry. She can be a little...
Cunty?
Yeah, that's the word... cunty.
Unfortunately, she's the one who's gonna write
a letter of recommendation for my son,
so I have to kiss her ass until it's done.
So Groundlings?
- I used to be in Groundlings. - No way.
Make it nice levels for you so everybody can hear you.
- I need that higher though. - How's that?
My God.
I can bring it lower.
LeGros: This is all you need to know about Los Angeles schools, all right?
There are 300 kindergarten slots in top quality schools,
50,000 parents battling it out to get their kids in.
But your kid gets into a top elementary,
then they go to Harvard-Westlake or Brentwood...
a straight shot to Yale or Stanford.
How do you get into one of these top quality schools?
Three ways, okay? You can be absurdly wealthy,
you can be famous or you can take my path
where you volunteer to run the pre-school silent auction,
which is why I have officially retired from the comedy community.
And here I am, taking seriously
the shit I used to make fun of.
I have spent a year of my life
busting my ass mom-wrangling.
And today the director says if we don't meet our goal,
there's no letter of recommendation.
- No. - Janice Werkhoven.
What is that?
It is a wine and cheese basket from Greenblatt's,
some top flight bottles in here, a couple of...
Yeah, I thought you were putting up cooking lessons with Wolfgang Puck.
Yeah, that kind of fell through.
At least look me in the eye when you're fucking me.
Oh, but why would you worry, right?
Of course those star-fuckers at Penhall Academy
are gonna take your kid, right?
'Cause your husband's movie opened huge.
You don't carpool with her, do you?
Hello and welcome to the Precious Lights silent auction.
I'm Mrs. Doyle, the director of Precious Lights.
The auction closes at 6:00 P.M. Sharp,
at which time I expect to see our total
above the $250,000...
Mark.
Man: Like Eric Bana in "Troy. "
- Yeah yeah, super tough, right? - "Grr, I'm Hector. "
- And then the guy... - Hey, so I thought about it
and you might not totally suck as Vitaly Chernobyl.
So if you want me to help you work on character development...
Oh, you know what? Got it taken care of.
See, Lane here is a huge "Snow Crash" fan.
Yeah yeah, we've been breaking it down a little bit.
I think I'm gonna play it kind of like Pitt from "12 Monkeys"...
- unhinged, you know? - A touch of "Magnolia" Cruise.
- Yeah. - All testosterone and great big balls
- just dragging in the dirt. - Love it. Grr!
Sounds like you guys got it covered.
We got it. It's good.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Thanks, buddy.
Thank you.
What's up?
Lend me 80 bucks.
Why?
Some dipshit is auctioning off "Uncanny X-Men" #4.
Right now the bid's at $75. It's worth at least four times that.
Oh okay, so that's why all of a sudden
I'm an awesome Vitality Chernobyl.
I said you might not totally suck.
That's all you got, really,
to sweet-talk me out of the stack of 20s in my wallet?
That's it? Dude, you're a terrible actor.
- That's horrible. - Look who's fucking talking.
What?
You're not even an actor. You're a haircut.
What does that even mean?
You know the difference between you and James Van Der Beek's parrot?
- No. - The parrot can deliver a line.
Whatever high-school drama coach
filled the void between your ears with big ideas
probably just wanted to give the little Kyle a couple tugs.
He had no idea he was creating a monster,
a fucking can't-act Creature from the No-Talent Lagoon.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. That was... I was just fucking with you.
Shut the fuck up, man.
I'm probably just jealous,
you know, that you might get a part in that movie.
I didn't mean it.
Argh!
Just a haircut, huh?
Fuck you, bitch. You just took the master class.
Fool!
Good one.
Can I get that 80 bucks?
What is wrong with your people?
They're vulgar.
They're drinking on the job, taking personal phone calls.
And you've got one out there with whom I think you need to have
a frank talk about personal hygiene.
Do you know which one I'm talking about?
I do.
Good. Then handle it.
Okay.
Milady, you have a very nice day.
Thanks, Roman. That was helpful.
Word up.
Ugh.
That's just gross.
Oh, hey boss.
Hey.
Okay, what is this? What are you doing?
- I'm you, Henry. - You're me?
This job is beneath me, so I mope around
and I pop pills and I drink and I have sex with my coworkers.
Okay, so you stole my Vicodin.
Was it stealing at all those parties when you would drink the hosts' booze?
Probably.
Was it stealing when you used to smoke my weed?
Oh, you mean when you would pass me a joint and tell me not to be a pussy?
I don't think that qualifies. Now look, Ron...
You didn't make it easy for me when I was topping out, Henry, okay?
So what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
Um, that actually means that the same rules should apply for men and women.
I'm a man, Henry.
Ron, you asked me for this job.
Yeah, and who'd have thunk... you on top of the world
and me working for you, huh?
That's like "Trading Places. " I'm Dan Aykroyd and you're Eddie Money.
- Eddie Money? - And Mandy is my Jamie Lee Curtis.
She saved me from being a bum.
And Uda... Uda is your black lady in the bikini.
- It doesn't matter. - Yeah, at the end of the movie
with Billy Ray Valentine, he's in the hot tub
- and the black lady with the bikini... - Ron, it's not "Trading Places. "
You're not Dan Aykroyd. I'm not Eddie Murphy.
I'm definitely not Eddie Money. Just take the windbreaker
and put it on this time, okay? We're getting complaints.
I'm Dan Aykroyd.
You're not Dan Aykroyd.
Says Eddie Murphy.
Tell that fucking prick two hit shows in five years
is enough to get most guys fired.
He must really be sucking the shit out of Mickey's little rodent cock
over there at Mauschwitz. Scotch rocks.
If he wants the TV rights,
he's gonna have to work some of that magic on my ball sack.
Yeah, tell him to bring kneepads and an appetite for man juice.
Let's go.
It's not a fucking soufflé. It's, you know, ice and scotch.
The Eastons are auctioning their Sun Valley cabin
for a week this summer.
Summer?
What the fuck do people do in Idaho in the summer?
What, do they wait for the Rapture,
hoard food, practice goose-stepping?
- What the hell are we auctioning? - Lunch with Tom Hanks.
Oh, don't die, Leonard.
We're in the final year of my prenup.
When we met you said you and Tom are close.
I was trying to get into your pants.
Hanks hasn't talked to me since I put him in "Turner &" fucking "Hooch. "
- I can't make a lunch happen. - Fine.
So win the auction. It'll impress the school director.
Oh, hey, Stiltskin.
Your Edgar Allan Poe movie sucked ass.
$350 million worldwide there, four eyes.
Why don't you get me a little fucking umbrella for my cocktail
before they call you back to the set of "The Big Bang Theory"?
I mean, come on, Channing Tatum as young Lincoln?
Are you shitting me?
You could have had Henry here at scale.
- Just... - Tell you this...
"Sweet 16," the fucking "Are we having fun yet?" guy.
All right, I'll tell you what, Henry: Take off your shirt.
If you got abs like Channing Tatum, I'll make you a big fucking star.
Okay?
See, this is a business, you fucking idiots.
Check out my wife here. Her nipples got hard
just at the combination of the two words "Channing" and "Tatum. "
Fuck you, Leonard.
God damn. Honey, it's a compliment.
I trust those nips of yours more than any focus group.
- Casey. - Yeah?
Casey, how much do you think I could get
for a 1998 Grand Marquis?
Why are you asking me that?
Ragtop, fully loaded. It has air, power windows.
Every Saturday was "The Uncle Fuzzy Show. "
All the birthday kids got to reach into the fun tub
and pick out their present.
And then Uncle Fuzzy himself would give them a tickle.
- Wait... - Creepy.
So when my birthday was coming around,
I took a Polaroid of myself. I put it in an envelope
and I gave it to my mom to mail.
Six months later I opened up the glove compartment in my mom's car
and guess what I found.
My envelope for Uncle Fuzzy.
And when I asked my mom why she had never mailed it to him,
she said, "Why waste a perfectly good stamp?"
Sorry. I don't mean to be a buzzkill,
but we're kind of getting the evil eye from the people running the party.
Hey listen, Comrade Stalin,
we're kind of in the middle of a big decision here.
I made a promise to myself
that I would support
my daughter Escapade's dreams.
Tom Hanks
would love Escapade.
I'm gonna do it.
And I'm gonna sell that Grand Marquis to pay off the bill.
You're not gonna get a grand for that shitbox.
I think you need to set the bar a little bit lower.
You're never gonna get Hanks.
R Kelly maybe, if he's available.
Oh, get away from my "X-Men," old man.
Okay, wait a second. Bidding on the Hanks lunch?
No, don't do that, Lydia. That's a waste of time.
- A waste of time? - Yeah.
- A waste of a stamp? - Ooh.
- I don't know... - Pack on 50 Ibs
and work a Virginia Slim in each hand,
and you could be my mom.
No, Lydia, I just heard Stiltskin say
that he can't make the Hanks lunch happen,
so he's gonna outbid anyone who tries to win it.
Do you even remember what it was like to have a dream?
I'm gonna be in the tent melon-balling
with one hand.
I wanted to ask you if you could maybe stay off your phone
for the remainder of the event. That'd be terrific.
Listen, didn't we always used to say
that they don't pay us enough to give a shit about any of this?
But as team leader, they kind of do.
And I'm kind of used to the health insurance, Casey, you know?
And I was able to move out of my studio apartment
- into a one bedroom with a view, okay? - Wow.
It's a view of a Taco Bell, but still it's a view.
- Fine, I will stay off the phone. - Great.
- Thanks. Thank you. - Mm-hmm.
Hey, Bruce, I just got the breakdown that you sent me
for the perky suburban mom minivan commercial thing.
It's a joke, right?
Because I'm not mom material, man.
I'm acerbic 20-something, you know?
I'm a funny but fuckable waitress.
No.
Fucking shit.
God. Fucking fuck fuck fuck.
Hey there, sport.
- Hey. - Want some help?
I just... I haven't done that in a while.
- Sure. Yeah. - Great.
Oh, you know what? No, I can't do that.
- Okay. - Every time I steal a cigarette,
my son tells me I smell like Grandpa...
my son, who is gonna have to put himself through trade school
sucking off truck drivers
because we're $30,000 short
and there's 40 minutes left.
Why are you staring at me?
I'm actually just having this crazy revelation.
I just told my agent that I can't play a suburban mom,
but then I look at you
and this whole verge-of-hysteria thing...
that's... I can do that. I can totally do that.
Yeah. Wow, auditions.
I do not miss that.
They're awful.
Sitting in a casting room with a dozen women
that look exactly like you
who would murder each other to get a couple lines on "Becker";
waiting around. "Oh, you didn't get the part.
You were too funny. " "You're not funny enough. "
"Oh, you're too tall. " "You're too cold. " "You're too... "
I've gotten "too Jewy" before.
- Really? - Yeah.
And I was reading for "The Diary of Anne Frank," so...
- Mysterious, yeah. ... I found that a little confusing.
You know what? Seriously, I would much rather
just be shooting hoops in the driveway with Sam.
I don't know how you do it.
Doyle: The auction ends in 30 minutes... 30 minutes.
LeGros: I'm so fucked.
Hey, how much money did you say you needed to reach your goal?
No, listen to me: Third wife... no kids. You put your foot down on that.
Okay, well, my plan only calls for two wives.
Yes, see, the first one... a crazy Vegas wedding,
someone more famous than me, you know, gets me in the tabloids...
I don't know, Lohan, maybe an Olsen twin.
Shit, I'm gonna...
Someone outbid you, Leonard.
Jesus Christ on a fuckstick! I bet 20 come-sucking grand!
What kind of retarded starfucker outbid me?
Tom's an icon. This is LA.
People have disposable income.
You once told me you'd drink two pints of ape sperm
to play Pebble Beach with Tiger Woods.
Yeah, but that's sports. Sports are cool.
Tom Hanks is a grown man who wears eyeliner
and plays make-believe. It's faggy.
Fuck, what's the new bid?
40.
40 grand? Another fucking 20 grand? Jesus!
Would you prefer eight years of driving to the Valley
for every school function?
Maybe you could just call Tom and beg.
Hey, this is your fault. And I'm firing your fucking tennis coach, okay?
You can find somebody who'll fuck you for free.
He's a Pilates instructor.
Dick.
Vodka, Red Bull.
Oh shit.
That was awkward.
What was?
Yeah, you remember us hooking up.
I don't remember us hooking up.
Oh um,
well, we did.
Sounds like it was awesome.
Doyle: Hello, moms and dads.
This is your last chance to put in your bid.
Casey: I'm telling you I have inside information.
This is definitely going to work.
- This is so dumb. - Doyle: Is someone on the clock?
Not only won't I get a letter of recommendation,
but now I'm on the hook for $40,000.
- I'm so fucked. - Guests: 18, 17,
- 16, 15... - Oh my God.
- 14, 13... - Move.
- Hey, look. Look. - 12, 11...
10, nine, eight...
Oh, I think Sammy maybe just got into Stanford.
...five, four... - Here you go.
...three, two, one!
Shh shh!
Moms and dads, I have some very good news.
We have just reached our fundraising total!
I would like to say a very special thank you
to our auction chairwoman
Miss Annie LeGros!
Come on up here.
Ooh. See? Suburban mom... not such a bad gig.
And don't forget, everyone, I want you to stick around
for our Precious Lights singers.
And then he says, "Don't do it. It's a waste of time. "
And I was like, "Uh yeah, well,
we know you've given up on your dreams, Henry.
But does that mean that you have to poop on everybody else's pound cake?"
It's gone to his head... being a team leader.
You know, he's rubbed my nose in it ever since I got here today.
See, that's why I'm trying to give him a taste of his own medicine...
popping pills and sulking.
Now all I gotta do is try to convince Casey
to sneak off with me and have sex.
Uh-oh. I don't think your little girlfriend's gonna like that too much.
No, not really have sex with me.
See, this is what Henry and Casey used to do when I was team leader,
and I just want him to acknowledge the fact
that he put me through some shit.
But I don't think Casey is gonna go for it.
Well, would any co-worker do?
Hey, I've decided to make a list
of reasons why you shouldn't quit.
I'm actually only thinking of two,
but still I think that qualifies as a list.
I got the part in the Apatow movie.
What? Holy shit. Really?
I have a wardrobe fitting on Monday.
That's great.
- Just... - Oh, okay.
Wow, that's great.
Thank you for making a list though.
Sure. No problem.
Hey, can I buy you a drink?
- Yes. - Okay.
Yes, you can buy me a drink.
So Henry, you were like a big deal at one point.
- Yeah. - You gotta tell me what to do,
like who do I... how do I know
which of the little people to like totally crush?
Oh, it's just totally random. You just start arbitrarily fucking people over.
Cool. I can do that.
Wow, is somebody slaughtering a water buffalo in there?
I'm pretty sure this is for my benefit.
- Ron: What do you feel, woman? - Lydia: I feel daddy dick.
Ron: Oh, you love daddy dick, don't you?
Wow, Ron certainly sounds like a world-class lover.
Yeah, he has real staying power.
Sir, I would like you and your crew
off this property immediately.
Come on, children. Your supervisor will be hearing from me.
Hippity-hop, everybody, hippity-hop.
Ron: You can't handle the truth, the truth being the name I get!
Henry.
Yeah?
Is it too late for me to apologize
for being an asshole about you being the boss?
'Cause I can kind of see now
how much of a suck-ass job it is.
Ron?
Is that Ron?
What the shit?
Take my big fat dick.
Can you take it?
- Oh yeah, baby. - Oh!
Yeah cockmaster, yeah!
Jam it in, balls too. There's room.
Yeah now! Now that your... everything's in there.
Hey guys.
Oh!
Did it really sound like we were having sex?
I'm sorry, Henry. I'm sorry. Was it something we said?
That's very funny.
Ron, Mandy just took off in your car.
She was outside the tent for that last bit.
Mandy! Mandy!
Well, there's a lesson in there somewhere, right?
Hey, fuckface! I just found out
that bitch that was bidding against me was some flat-broke divorcée.
You fucked me, didn't you? You know you cost me 20 grand?
All right, here's a promise, you fucking has-been, never-was:
You'll never work in this town again.
I know.
Lydia, what happened to your arm?
Oh, Henry, it's so sweet of you to notice.
It's Escapade.
We were working on our trust falls
and I guess it was kind of silly of me to expect a 14-year-old
to be able to catch my dead weight.
Trust falls?
Lydia: Oh, you live and learn.
Hey, so did you get it?
Oh yeah, man.
Right here... "Uncanny X-Men" número cuatro.
- $300, right? - Yeah.
Oh nice.
Lane: So 20, 30...
Kyle: I got 20 here.
I told you so.
- Kyle: 50... - Lane: I'm gonna make a pile here.