Hey, you guys, guess what?
My boyfriend, Smith, finished law school.
He comes home today.
Wow, that is so...
Jules, what's the word for, "Who cares?"
Ellie Torres, I opened my best bottle of wine
for you last night, and you left a sip.
I would never.
This is your lipstick.
- Wino fight. - That was my glass.
I accidentally wore colored lip balm yesterday.
It's barely colored, and it makes my eyes pop.
[Laurie] That's how it started for my uncle Max.
Then he bought some wigs and changed his name to Maxine.
But you know what's really funny? He still goes by "Max."
"Who cares?" "Who cares?" Was the word I was looking for.
You know what? I'm gonna drink it.
It's 8:00am on a Saturday.
So? This is just like a mimosa,
except for it's got wine instead of champagne
and no orange juice.
That sounds delicious.
Mmm!
- Wine in the morning on the weekends. - [Door opens]
- Let's all think about it, people. - Think about what?
- Morning drinking. - For it.
Jules, I grabbed your mail, and Travis got his first college letter.
- It's from his safety school. - [Andy] Big envelope.
He got in.
Travis, help! I'm hurt!
Otherwise it takes him forever to come downstairs.
OK, I don't want to call favorites, but here's the hug order...
Me, then Bobby, then me again,
and then, you know, whatever.
[Footsteps approaching]
Oh, good. You're OK.
[Sighs] Oh...
OK. Here we go.
Everybody said that I should get the first hug, right?
They rejected me.
Well, I guess these should probably go back in their holsters.
I forgot how smooth your teeth are.
I'm glad you're home, too, son.
Forgive me if I don't eat your face.
I'm sorry. It's just I have a rule
that every kiss must last at least three seconds.
It's what the Obamas do.
Anyway, to celebrate, I thought that we might golf together.
I have a new pro. I'm amazing now.
- Doubt it, but I'm in. - Well, thank you.
I know you prefer to spend your time
letting her try to trick a baby out of you.
- Dad, please just... - I'm allergic to latex
and birth control pills.
Not helping, babe.
Seriously?
Feet off the furniture, and pick up all this kettle corn that you spilled.
[Inhaling]
With your hands, not your mouth vacuum.
And the easiest thing... Drinks go on coasters.
Quick hypothetical. What if I was to tell you that I'm a man,
and I can put my drink down wherever the hell I want?
- Stupid hypothetical. - [Car door closes]
[Alarm beeps]
[Andy] You know what it's like to have no say
in your own home?
We both live alone.
We can do whatever we want.
I can put on my old jeans from high school
and rock out to Enya if I want to.
That's... really specific.
[Tom] When my wife was around,
the only time I had the place to myself was after she went to bed.
And I'd wander around in my underwear and cowboy hat.
I have several cowboy hats.
Yeah, I haven't had to answer to anybody since Sharon died of cancer.
You're so lucky.
- I... I just meant... - [Grayson] Mm-mm!
There's no saving that.
- I'm loving this. - Me, too.
- What? - It's 8:00 in the morning.
- We're tryin' somethin'. - It's European.
We don't answer to you.
How you holding up there, honey?
It doesn't feel great to get turned down by a school
with four grammatical errors in their rejection letter.
- You know, I got into that school. - Cool. Kill me.
I know it was your safety school, but you applied
- to plenty of other colleges. - Two.
Perfect number. Trust me, you have nothing to worry about.
Thank you for saying that.
Well, I'm speaking the truth.
You're a home run hitter!
He's not. Our son's not going to college.
- This is a disaster. - No, it is not.
I never finished college, and look at me. I ended up just...
More wine?
- Fill her up. - Yes.
Oh, no. You see that guy over there?
Jules, don't look right at him!
I said, don't look!
When I hear "Don't look," I can't help but look.
It's my most specific reflex.
Smith, remember when we met and you went off to law school?
We rolled around with other people and occasionally had mediocre phone sex?
Yeah, it was like a fairy tale.
He's one of my roll-around guys.
Jules, don't look.
OK, stop it.
I can't. It's too fun.
Smith, most guys that I've dated
would go over there and make a huge scene
and beat the crap out of him with his wallet chain.
But don't freak out, OK?
No problem.
- I'm dumping Smith. - And there it is.
[Alarm beeping]
[Alarm stops]
[New Age music]
The mailman's here. T-Bone!
- [Footsteps approaching] - I saw him from upstairs.
He put some envelopes in our box.
Maybe they're catalogs. We don't know!
- We don't... I don't know. - Ah!
I just want to be part of it.
Well, wish me luck.
No. We do this as a family.
Everybody ready?
- Hell, yeah, baby! - Accepted to both!
Ha-ha! Take that, life!
[Jules] Oh! I didn't think
- he would get in anywhere. - What? But you said...
It doesn't matter now.
- You're not gonna be like Bobby! - I'm not gonna be like you!
You're not gonna be like me! Whoo-hoo!
You, buddy, you are gonna take the world by storm.
Family confidence dance!
Look in the mirror!
Look at yourself, you so smart!
- Who, me? - Not you!
You so smart!
- [Bobby] Whoo! - [Ellie] Wow!
So it's either college 20 minutes away in Sarasota,
or 20 hours away in California.
Which one do you want him to go to?
It doesn't really matter what I want.
- It's his choice. - The weather is so good in California.
Yeah, it also has earthquakes and race riots.
So, you know, everybody just calm down.
And there it is.
[Jules] Travis, help! I'm hurt!
Yeah, yeah. I'm not falling for that again!
I'm serious this time.
I twisted my ankle. It might be broken.
Oh, no. What?
Sucker!
Great job, adults.
I just wanted to talk to you.
How are you gonna decide between these two colleges?
I mean, one is known as "the jewel of central southwest Florida."
And the other one's in a state where people
lean out of their car windows and shoot you in the face.
Subtle. You really think you can pull this off?
Maybe. I'm, like, the third smartest person here.
- What number am I? - Sixth.
This is my decision, so I'm just gonna make it myself, OK?
Let's not get weird.
If I could, I'd have them shrink me down so small
that I could live in your blood.
OK, good.
She's gonna let him make his own decision, right?
Now you're eighth.
What? Who's seventh?
Hola.
[New Age music]
[Music stops]
[Both blow raspberries]
You didn't give it a chance!
You really did not. Cowards.
All right. Gotta meet my dad for golf.
Hey. What about our three-second rule?
Oh, yeah. One, two, three. See ya.
Bye.
[Gags]
How did Smith become so unsexy?
He didn't.
You just love drama, and for once,
thank God, you've got someone who doesn't need it.
But drama is such a turn-on.
That makes my lady parts beep.
Would you rather be with someone emotionally stable
or someone who, at game night,
carves "Die, bitch!" On the kitchen table
because you think he sucks at Jenga?
There are positives and negatives to both.
- There really aren't. - I know.
And, honey, I am sorry about your table.
That's OK.
I added a T, so now it says, "Diet, bitch!"
It's actually... It's really helpful.
I don't know if I can kick my drama addiction,
- but I'm gonna try. - That's great.
Oh!
Do you think Smith knows something's hinky?
Things with Laurie are really...
I don't know, what's the word?
Hinky.
Pipe down, girls. Watch this drive.
Bobby's been teaching me five days a week.
- You're fired. - Mulligan time.
Travis, go get it.
[Barks]
I trained him to retrieve golf balls by painting meatballs white.
Laurie's not tough to figure out. She digs on the drama.
That's the greatest thing I've ever seen.
[Bobby] Seriously,
think about the hottest night you and Laurie ever had.
How'd it start?
Put the damn money in the bag!
- He's got a gun. - Yeah, he does.
That was a weird third date.
[Screams]
Trav, go get it.
[Groans]
Could be a meatball, brother.
God, I hate lying to him.
- Oh! Hi, Kylie. - I know.
If Trav goes to California, we'll break up,
but if he stays here, we'll get married
and have beautiful babies.
He told me you'd say that.
Please. You kids are gonna make it.
They are so done-zo.
You do realize that it doesn't matter where Travis goes to college?
I know. Except it totally does.
OK, I feel like you're setting yourself up to get hurt.
Even if he goes just 20 minutes away, he's still leaving.
Come on. If he's that close, it's not gonna sting.
- Can I get some ketchup? - You never gave it a chance!
Sail away? [chuckles]
Oh! Rat farts.
- Did you go yet, Dad? - No!
Don't look at me that way. Just go get the damn meatball.
Hey, it's Wallet Chain.
He's the guy that Laurie rolled around with.
You think "rolled around" means they just made out
or they went all the way?
I don't know. Let's talk about it more.
I think they just kissed with a little upstairs work.
Buddy, what would Laurie want you to do?
Oh, God. Are you OK?
Yeah. Sorry about the blood.
I'm not.
Beep, beep, beep, beep!
Are you watching me sleep?
You don't usually wake up.
You've done this before?
[Snoring]
Leah, Joel, Alexis...
That's only seven. Come on.
We've gotta be able to figure out all eight Gosselin kids.
Jon.
No, he's the creepy, disgusting, wants-to-be-famous father.
- Oh, right. You're right. Oh. - Shh!
- [Gasps] Collin! - Yes, Collin.
OK, no more games.
When I got divorced,
you were the one that made me feel like I wasn't alone.
So I guess... I guess I'm just having
a really hard time letting you go.
What I'm trying to say is,
if it really is a toss-up between the two schools,
I would love it if you would stay here.
[Door opens]
- Sleepy show's canceled tonight. - Damn it!
I wouldn't water my plants with this rosé.
I mean, partly because wine kills plants,
but you know, you feel me, right?
I know I asked you over last night, but I didn't think
it was gonna be an every night thing.
It's not like we're taking advantage.
I made steak.
[Pounding]
Oh, yeah.
[Grayson] Mmm!
Everybody out.
- And, you, too. - Come on!
That was amazing.
Yeah. At one point, I think you gave me a Superman ride.
You don't have to fight old boyfriends for me.
I'm trying to kick my insane drama habit.
Oh.
What "Oh?"
What would Laurie want you to do?
Yeah, that's not me.
Hey, whose ball is that?
[Growling]
[Screaming]
You fed my addiction with a lie.
I am so angry at you right now!
- "Beep beep" angry? - No, Smith! God.
How do you like when someone watches you sleep?
Actually, I've known you've been there for about 40 minutes.
At one point, you fell asleep,
and I was watching you sleep while I pretended to sleep.
Raise your hand if you think it's good mothering
to tell your son he's the only thing
keeping you from feeling totally alone.
Oh, wait. This feels like a trap.
You know how much I love you.
After what you said, you really think I even have a choice anymore?
I'm sorry. I didn't hear anything after you said how much you love me.
You win, Mom. I hope you feel good.
Well, I don't now.
Hey, Frick.
Frack's already trying to get the ring out of the coffee table.
- Why don't you join him? - In a sec. I'm a tad dewy.
Well, I told you you could stay in my guest room.
I was making a point.
I have a snail on my arm.
[Jules] So come on, Ellie.
Do you think that I was trying to manipulate Travis?
Do you care where Trav ends up?
Hell, yeah. I can't afford to visit him in California.
I just didn't want to keep him from doing what he wants.
Outparented by Bobby. How does that feel?
Dagger!
So you wanna talk about what happened last night?
Which part?
Our fight or the fact that it got me so revved up
I wanted to break into your apartment, tie you up with my underwear
and roll around all night?
That's what "roll around" means?
I can't help myself.
It's pathetic.
Hey. Hey. So you like drama. Who cares?
You know, everyone has their sexual stuff.
I mean, sometimes I like to, you know,
prance around on all fours like a little show pony.
- It doesn't make me weird. - Yeah, it does.
Well, what's this, private?
Yeah, drama can be fun for a while,
but with my other boyfriends,
all the big scenes and the fighting...
Eventually, it turned real, and it ended things.
And I just don't want that for us. Do you?
No.
[Grayson] Me neither.
What? There's...
There's nothing for me to do.
Are you watching me sleep again?
When I squint, you look just like your sonogram picture.
Memories.
So you want to get right into this apology
or you want to beat around the bush for a minute?
- Bush. - OK.
I like your... necklace.
I borrowed this from Ellie, like, seven years ago, and I never gave it back.
You know what sucks is, I love it,
and I can never wear it around her.
- Mom! - All right, I'm an idiot.
Please, please, please, go wherever you want.
You know, I decided to go to Florida the second I got in.
I was just annoyed at you.
Wow. OK, so you just want to go hop in the car
- and go check out the campus? - Hell, yeah, I do.
- Do you wanna freak out for a second? - Mm-hm.
- Go nuts. - Twenty minutes away!
You're only gonna be 20 minutes away.
Can't even tell it was there, can you?
No. But I'll always know.
I didn't want everyone over here.
I woke you up on purpose.
You know those thumps you heard? When they weren't looking,
I banged the broom on the ceiling, right... there.
I... I didn't do that.
Look, I like having a wife who rules the house.
I mean, that's why I chose you, but sometimes I feel like
you police me too much. Why are you laughing?
You chose me?
[Chuckles] That is pretty silly.
Anyway, sometimes I like having the house to myself at night.
It's the only time I feel like it's all mine.
[Jules] Twenty minutes away!
He's only gonna be 20 minutes away!
Yay! Is that my necklace?
Oh, God. Don't be crazy.
I don't understand why I'm here.
I figured out a way to get you your drama fix whenever you need it
without it ever messing us up.
Oh, man. Why is she here?
Dad, please try to be civil.
- OK. - Oh, thanks, Mr. Frank.
- You have a dumb voice. - Dad, I'm warning you.
- You think you can take me? - What happened last Christmas?
That doesn't count. I was drunk!
Smith!
Well, I'm just gonna go drive off the bridge on the 16th.
Oh! It's 4:20.
How great is this?
Twenty-two minutes door-to-door,
and that girl just asked me what time it was.
She probably thinks I'm a student here.
Probably. Or she noticed you have a watch.
Well, we'll never know.
Hey, remember Nick Bartel? He's a freshman.
I texted him that I was here. He said I could crash at his place tonight.
- Is that cool? - Oh, tonight?
- Yeah. - Sure.
[Groans happily] This place rocks.
I haven't even started, and I never want to go home.
- That's great. - Well, see ya.
OK.
Hey, you're gonna be OK driving home alone, right?
[Crying]
Have a nice night, sweetie.
Even if he's only 20 minutes away, he's still leaving.
I know.
Then why didn't you tell me?
I should have.
Come on. Let's get you inside.
I don't feel like walking.
Oh. Are you up?
Yeah. And I'm dizzy.
I can't believe you would go through all that with your dad
just to make me happy.
No one's ever cared about me that much before.
I do.
It's too scary.
Is this what it's like to be in a good relationship?
Don't answer. I'm just... I'm feeling too vulnerable,
and vulnerable women are dangerous.
I know I'm being ridiculous,
but you just don't know how it feels.
To be lonely?
I think I do.
[Laurie] But what the hell?
I guess sometimes you just have to go for it, right?
Especially when, maybe deep down,
it's what you've wanted all along.
Wow.
Is it gonna kill the mood if I go brush my teeth and shave my legs?
- Yeah. - Fine.
Good thing I'm not a bitch.
Oh, yeah.