We now return to "The Planet from Outer Space".
Captain, we've been attacked by some sort of force-ray.
Space air is blooding in.
Right, goggles on!
Good Lord! We are in collision course with a monster, from space!
That's just a dog in a space suit.
From the looks of it, a male dog.
We'll return to our film after these very aloud messages.
Hi. I'm Colonel Chet Manners, five-time space shuttle alternate.
Loser!
Do you want to boldly go where people like me...
...but not me have gone before?
Then get the Orbit King, with yaw control like you've never seen.
Hey, Lis, is Dad's credit card number 5784365343410709?
You know it is.
Hey, Dad, will you help me build this model rocket?
Just a second, son, I gotta put on my contacts.
I didn't know your dad was so interested in science.
- Science? - Uh, he didn't say, "science".
He said, "pie pants".
Mmmm, pie pants.
This is launch-master, Homer, counting down.
Five, four, three...
My eyebrows! My beautiful eyebrows!
Oh, they're here, governor.
The word "un-blow-up-able" is thrown around a lot these days...
...but I think I can say with confidence...
Okay, that shows you what could potentially happen.
What was that?
Greetings from Neddidy Space Center on Cape Flandaveral.
We noticed your sky-ro-technics and thought we'd join in.
Ooh, looks like a perfect landing.
Wow! Did you see that yaw control?
I have eyes, don't I?
I would really like to thank you nerds for helping me out.
Well, then could you stop calling us nerds?
Dweeb, wonk, spaz... it's all good.
Who wants some astro-lemonade?
What precisely makes it "astro"?
Look, I don't want to start a whole thing with this.
Okay. The rocket's ready to go.
Super. Now, if you'll gather around, I'd like to say a few words.
All nerds clear the launch area!
Let's wait in the car.
Now, all we need is our astronaut.
Bart, where is America's newest hero?
He's saying goodbye to his wife.
Oh, he's leaving her with five babies.
She already ate three.
Oh. That's sensible.
Son we are about to bring the surly bonds of gravity...
...and punch the face of God!
Five... four... three... two... one...
Countdown!
Wow. That's it. I'm of the hooch.
Hey! Wine!
Dad, the rocket's of course.
Okay, Nibbles, you can guide her down.
"Step one: Right in front of you is a blue handle".
"Hold for a controlled burn of 2.4 seconds".
Now it's heading for the church!
Don't worry. I've planned for this.
This is the worst thing you've ever done!
You say that so much, it's lost all meaning.
I have convinced the church council to see what we should do now.
Fixing this church should be our top priority.
And I say that as a teenager and the parent of a teenager.
Fixing all that damage is gonna be very expensive.
Yes, barring some sort of miracle...
All right, we'll help ourselves... Yet again.
People, we need some fund-raising ideas.
Let's just write to David Bowie again.
No, he's done enough for this church. Anyone else?
I've got the answer.
Just let me run this church like a business.
It's kind of you to offer, Mr. Burns...
...but the buzz around town is that you're, well, evil.
Oh, that's just a skip-rope rhyme.
Believe me, the Lord's going to go for this in a big way.
Now, who's with me?
- Oh, I guess we have no choice. - Excellent.
Oh, you'll get yours.
This is Lindsay Naegle.
And don't let the skirt fool you.
She'll have this place making money in no time!
Isn't that skirt a little north than the knee?
You're telling me.
I guarantee I can find some new revenue streams.
Step one: Let's sell some ad space.
Reverend, how would you feel about wearing this robe?
Mmm... conflicted?
Too bad! You've already signed the deal.
Actually, he hasn't.
Oh. Well, we highly value your input...
Until you sign the deal.
- Let me handle this, Monty? - Good idea.
I'll be hiding behind that tree.
- What are they doing to the church? - We're rebranding it.
The old church was skewing pious.
We prefer a faith-based emporium teeming with impulse buy items.
I feel like I want to throw up.
Then my work is done.
- Why does Jesus have a lasso? - 'Cause he's all man.
Money changed.
Get your money changed right here in the temple!
That could not be more blasphemous.
Where's Bart?
- Do a nice one for grandma. - Fine.
These new pews are so comfy.
I am not going to be taken in by all of this.
Lisa, don't sulk.
You're on the Jumbotron.
Adorable.
And Lord, please remember our infirm parishioners...
...especially Mrs. Glick, who's recovering from hip surgery.
And now let us rise and, um...
He's not going to say it.
Trust me, he'll say it, or I'll bust him down to Thursday night vespers.
...and thank Crazy Larry...
...whose big-screen TV prices are insane-ane-ane!
And now, to deliver a special sermon...
...on the sanctity of deliciousness: The Noid.
That's it!
Quiet, Lisa! Everyone in the store is looking at you.
They should take a good look at themselves...
...and what their church has become.
Lisa, it's still the same basic message. We've just dressed it up a little.
Like the Whore of Babylon?
That is a false analogy!
No, it's not. It's apt. Apt!
Don't you see what Mr. Burns has done to this church?
He restored it from nave to narthex!
He super-sized the pews for the zaftig believers.
He put ice in the urinals.
Those are all wonderful things, but they cost the church its soul.
And I for one will not be a part of it.
Do you want your hand stamped so you can come back in?
No. I'm leaving this church forever!
Oh, no!
- I don't know how to feel. - You should be very upset.
Got it.
- How was that? - A little much.
Lord, I'm not turning my back on you.
I just need to find a temple that's free of corruption.
Why do you have to be so different?
Always making a big deal out of everything?
Mom, I know it's you.
I can't believe you're eavesdropping on my prayers.
Oh, honey, I'm worried about your soul.
I want at least one person from this family to go to Heaven.
I still believe in God.
I just think there's another path to Him... or Her.
Her?
She's just kidding, Mr. Lord!
- Still looking for a new faith? - Yep.
Hey, how about one of those religions where you eat a human heart?
No.
- How about Methodist? - No!
Look, I'm not just going to pick a religion that seems cool.
I'm going to pick one that's right for me.
How about Judaism? When you turn thirteen, cha-ching!
I'm going out for a walk.
Lenny and Carl? You guys are Buddhist?
Oh, yeah. If I didn't have inner peace...
...I'd go completely psycho on all you guys all the time.
Well, I'm looking for a new faith, one that isn't so materialistic.
Well, you've come to the right place.
Buddhism teaches that suffering is caused by desire.
Richard Gere?
Ooh! The world's most famous Buddhist.
- Well, what about the Dalai Lama? - Who?
You know, the 14th Reincarnation of the Buddha Avalokitesvara.
Who's Buddha?
It's a good thing Buddhism teaches freedom from desire...
...'cause I've got the desire to kick your ass.
Mr. Gere, I was hoping Buddhism could bring me inner peace.
Or is that just a pipe dream?
We all have dreams. Mine is ever-free Tibet.
That would be so great.
I dream about me bought sandwiches, all you can eat for 2 bucks.
Good luck.
This pamphlet contains the teachings of the Buddha.
"All things are impermanent and are empty of inherent existence".
Hey, Richard, in "An Officer and a Gentleman"...
...did you really do all those sit-ups?
I wish! I did one, and they just showed it a thousand times.
"Nirvana is achieved through right views and right speech".
"Positive actions lead to happiness...
...and negative actions lead to unhappiness".
"No creator gods"...
..."just the pursuit of enlightenment".
I'm a Buddhist!
Hey, I'm a Buddhist!
My Satan sense is tingling!
- Into the root cellar, boys! - When can we come out?
Maybe never.
Yay!
So, you think you know better than this family, huh?
Well, as long as your in my house...
...you'll do what I do, and believe what I believe.
So butter your bacon!
Yes, father.
Mom, Dad, my spiritual quest is over.
Hold that thought. Bacon up that sausage, boy.
But, dad, my heart hurts.
I'm a Buddhist!
What? That's it. No more chat rooms for you!
You know, Lisa...
...around here, Buddhists don't get any desserts in their lunches.
A Buddhist wouldn't want any.
Hey, Simpson, I hear your sister dumped Christianity.
- Who cares? - I'll tell you someone who cares.
He's got long hair, works as a carpenter...
...has a lot of crazy ideas about love and brotherhood.
His name's Gunnar and he's dating my mom.
- Sometimes he buys us beer. - I thought Kearney was dating your mom.
- Hey. She came on to me. - Get him!
Hey, Lisa, what are you doing?
I'm planting my own bodhi tree.
If I meditate under it, perhaps I can find inner peace.
Honey, is this about some boy at school who doesn't like you?
- No! - Good.
I'm just saying that any boy who doesn't like you is not worth your time.
You're going to get a bath tonight.
So, the good news is, church revenues are up 1,073 per cent.
And when will the church see any of this money?
When hell freezes over, suckers!
Oh, whatever, just take it.
Well, next on our agenda: Marge Simpson's devil daughter.
She's not a devil.
I just don't know what to do.
Well, Christmas is coming, huh?
Yeah, and Santa doesn't leave presents under the bodhi tree.
You think we can bribe her back with Christmas?
Marge you can save more souls with roller skates and Easy-Bake ovens...
...than with this two thousand page sleeping pill.
Time to begin...
..."Operation X-Mas Remind of How Good Is".
Just do it! Do it, do it, now!
I think this tree could use an angel.
Well, at least it's tasteful.
I was just making Christmas cookies.
But, since you don't believe in Christmas anymore...
...I guess you don't want any.
Well, they do smell good.
It's a pity.
All right! Trash cookies!
Uh, oh, I think I ate a dog food lid.
Here she comes!
And-a one, and-a two, and-a...
We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish...
Oh, hello, Lisa.
I just came down for a glass of water.
Oh. Well, you do have a present under the tree.
I guess no one told Santa you were a Buddhist.
Well, Santa can take it back...
...because I'm not ruled by material desi...
Is that a pony?
I don't know what Santa left you.
I just know his name is Clip-Clop and he loves sugar.
Lisa, we love you...
...and we're not trying to put any pressure on you.
Lick it. Lick it!
No!
Oh, no! Our daughter's run away on Christmas Eve!
More sugar, please.
- Bag's in the kitchen. - All right!
My family tried to trick me into celebrating Christmas!
You know, we are meditating.
- Oh, sorry. - Oh, that's all right.
I was only about to achieve enlightenment, but who'd want that?
Who likes short shorts?
I like short shorts.
Those guys are way off.
Anyway, your family didn't have to trick you.
Buddhists respect the diversity of other religions...
...as long as they're based on love and compassion.
Wha?
It's true. So why don't you go home? I'm sure your family really misses you.
I can really celebrate Christmas?
You can celebrate any holiday.
And, you know, my birthday is August 31st.
Oh, I'll send you an e-mail greeting card.
Sweet.
Now I really should be getting back to my family.
Yeah, I'm spending tonight with my step-daughter, Hanna.
I do her hair and she does mine.
We're gonna go spend Christmas with Moe...
You know, so we don't have one of his Christmas "accidents".
Hey, you can't do much without this.
I did it! I found our dog!
Now our Christmas is complete.
We were looking for Lisa.
I thought we were caroling.
We better call the police.
You came back!
Yeah, I wanted to spend Christmas with you guys.
- So you're back on the winning team? - No, I'm still Buddhist...
...but I can worship with my family, too.
So you're just going to pay lip service to our church?
That's all I ever asked.
Well, I'm just glad you're back.
And don't worry, honey. I'll pray double-heart for both of us.
Now let's get you some Christmas cookies.
Thanks, mom.
Hey, where's my pony?
Yes! Merry Christmas to us all!
I'm serious. Make with the pony.
And a happy and healthy new year!
Here Good-Clop. Here pony, pony!
Happy, happy new year!