- Mask? - Check.
Gloves?
Check.
- Disinfectant? - Check.
Suction pump?
If you mean this, check.
Then we're ready to go.
Wait, wait.
Are you sure about this?
We've been through this, Ameer.
We're not students any more. I can't live like this.
I feel bad invading another man's cave.
Cave?! He's not a Neanderthal.
We'll say the landlord came round for an inspection, so we had to.
But it's Simon's room. It's private.
The smell isn't private! The smell is very public!
We're going in.
Careful.
When did it get like this?
Ameer! Don't move!
Thanks.
Eurgh!
Is that...?
We shall never speak of this again.
Let's get this done and get out of here.
You OK?
Yeah, the air conditioning can dry up the mucus in the olfactory region.
- Right. You still planning on staying with the body-snatchers then? - Yeah.
Shame. You're wasted in pathology with small talk like that!
- Stupid thing! - Do you mind if I...?
The battery connection can sometimes come a bit loose on this model.
There you go. Should be fine now.
Who'd have thought a junior doctor would be useful! Thank you.
Can I ask you a question?
From your experience, what's the best way to die?
Quickly, preferably when you're looking the other way.
Why?
Doesn't matter.
I've done a per-rectal exam on an incontinent 90-year-old,
but that is truly disgusting. Bag it!
- How much more's left? - There's just this.
- The Death Book? - What's a Death Book?
- There's only one way to find out. - I don't think we...
Obituaries. Got James Dean.
Sylvia Plath.
- Kurt Cobain. - I never pegged Simon as a Nirvana fan.
- They all died young. - What? - They were all dead by 30.
Wait... There's poems.
"Let me die a young man's death
"Not a clean and in-between the sheets holy water death
"And not a famous last words, peaceful out of breath death... "
This is weird. Let's put it back.
- You're right. We should put it back. - Wait. What is it?
- Cath? - In the back...
.. there's an... obituary...
.. for Simon. - What?
"It is a sad irony that Doctor Simon Strettle spent so much
"of his tragically short life
"healing other people and yet in the final event,
"was unable to heal himself. "
"What is it?"
- "Something to do with our pension plan? - "Oh. "
"Dead Man Walking?"
- "Death Wish!" - "No. "
"Die Another Day?"
"Why don't we all book a holiday for next summer? Somewhere hot. "
"Nah. I don't really plan things that far ahead.
"Never know what might happen. "
Is Simon gonna die?
You wanted to see me.
- Nothing wrong, I hope? - Not at all. Thanks for earlier.
Oh, that's OK.
If you tell anybody I needed help with modern technology,
you will end up in intensive care.
Your secret's safe with me.
Actually, there was something else.
Why don't you take a seat?
- So it doesn't say what he dies from. - Not that I can see.
- It's so sad. - He's not actually dead.
No, but writing it all out like that... there must be something wrong.
He's not gonna kill himself, is he?
- He did say he had counselling when he was younger. - Everyone's had that.
- He's fine. - You need to talk to him.
- Why me? - Because you're a man. - And... he's a man.
Thank you for clarifying that.
Please?
- Please? - Please?
- Please! - Please.
OK. So what am I going to say to him?
So, Si...
- Good day? - Yeah, not bad.
Good. That's really good.
Feeling OK?
Yeah.
- Why? - Oh, nothing.
But if you ever wanted to talk, you know I'm here, right?
Alright.
I'll be in my bedroom.
It's just that...
Well, I don't know about you,
but sometimes things just get on top of you a bit.
- Are you having problems at the hospital? - No. Not me. I'm fine.
Sure?
Yeah.
I just meant generally.
You know, when you feel a bit down...
...like the world's against you, whatever.
No, go on.
How did it go? Is he OK?
Yeah, I think so.
Here it is.
Give them a call. Some of my patients said they were brilliant.
Really helped them see the erm... positive side of things. OK.
Erm, thanks for...
cleaning my room, guys.
I've been meaning to do it, just... you know how things are.
- You didn't look in any of the...? - No.
Good. Great.
- What's that? - A leaflet for the hospital counselling service.
For you?
Yeah. I kind of told him sometimes I like to harm myself.
- Ameer! - If it's any consolation, he seemed very anti-suicide,
philosophically speaking. - That's good.
Isn't it?
He seems a bit odd though.
I mean... more so.
He has been listening to a lot of Jeff Buckley.
I'm asleep!
Wake up then. Si's ill!
We've decided the only explanation is that
he's found out he's sick and thinks me might die
and clearly doesn't want us to know. - So we're going to test him.
- Test him? - For everything. Blood test, hair, mouth swab, urine sample.
Oh, I see.
"Hi, Si. We looked in your secret weirdy death diary
"and now we're going to stick a needle in you... " - Not like that!
- We just won't tell him. - Why didn't I think of that?
But we need your help.
- If I say yes, will you let me sleep? - Yes.
I'm so gonna regret this.
I'm on hair and mouth swab.
I'm on blood.
- Ha! Bad luck! - No. I'm not doing it.
This way. After you.
Come on, Ameer. Fair's fair. Just make sure it's nice and fresh!
- So, what do you think? - It's worth giving it a try.
That's the spirit. If you need any help, let me know.
'Can't make me. '
I'm sure you're a whizz at this sort of thing.
Sshh!
- OK, I'll do it. - Great. Cath, talk to Mary, see if she's got any ideas.
- I'll come up with a list of probable diseases. - What about me?
I'd get Simon lots of cups of tea.
- Sugar? - I can't remember. It's for Dr Strettle. Does he have sugar?
- What day is it? - Tuesday.
Then, yes. He does.
Erm, Dilys...
You're going to have a lot of success.
- Am I? - Oh, yes.
- But only... - Dilys, be an angel and sort out a cuppa for bed seven.
- I'll be right there. - But only if I what?
Everything alright?
Yeah. Tea?
He died.
Last night.
Don't worry. You didn't do anything wrong.
- Hey. What's up? - My first tracheotomy.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Come here.
- Aw! - Sorry. I seem to have got my watch caught.
Aw! That really hurt!
Don't be such a wuss.
'When you think about it, everybody in this hospital is dying.
'It's like Alun said, it's just a matter of time.
'Some of us will go sooner than others
'but in the grand scheme of things, what difference does it make?'
A few moments more.
It's quality, not quantity, right?
If I'm honest, though, it's hard not to find it a bit scary.
What do you think happens... afterwards?
You should know. You've died enough times.
Simon, here you are. Sister Alice said you...
What the hell is that?
Oh, Rhian, Adam...
Adam, Rhian.
- Oh, my... - Aren't they great? Come on. I'll show you something.
- Hello, Edna. - "Hello, Doctor. I'm cold. "
Sleep.
I never knew this room existed. What are they for? Scaring children?
Training.
For the nurses.
It's Sister Alice's pet project.
The dummies, they breathe, they have a pulse, they tell you what hurts...
The nurses, they can practice all sorts of medical techniques on them.
And the best thing is when they die, you can bring them back to life.
Except Adam. She asked me to try to fix him.
Can't you send him back to the manufacturer?
He's too old. Maintenance won't even look at him.
If I can't fix him, they'll just throw him out.
- That's sad. - Why aren't you working on him down here?
I couldn't take him apart in front of the others. They'd be traumatised.
You think this patient is going to die, but you're not sure what of?
Yes. You're looking for the most likely non-accidental
causes of death among men in their mid 20s.
- Exactly. - Well?
Google it!
Here I am, as promised.
Stay there.
What? Why?
- Your quarterly blood test. - What blood test?
Your quarterly blood test. Don't you read the emails?
- Ameer's already had his blood taken, haven't you, Ams? - Yeah.
- You're taking quite a lot. - They need to be thorough.
Good.
That's done.
Thanks for being such a brave boy
Now it's time for your quarterly urine sample.
Good one! You nearly had me there!
'Live, damn you! Why won't you live? I've checked your airwaves!'
Don't you wish you could shed the emotional detachment
and go back to the way you used to be,
passionate and vulnerable? - No, not really. No, me neither.
'What's wrong?'
That's it. They can throw you on the scrap heap for all I care.
Don't look at me like that.
What's wrong?
I suppose it's not much of a life, being examined and stared at.
How about me and you go out to a couple of bars
and we'll find you some foxy girl dummy?
You'll be the strong, silent one.
No?
There must be someone out there for you somewhere.
Even if they don't know it yet.
Right, back to the grindstone.
- I need a urine sample off you. - What? Why?
Because Mr Hill wants one off me.
He thinks I'm on drugs.
I can't go when I'm under suspicion.
- I'm starting to worry about you. - Please, I'm desperate.
If it's that important to you...
Wait here, I'll be back now.
Yes!
So we've got everything? What are we testing for?
- I've made up a list. - Is that from Wikipedia? - No!
- Not all of it. - As long as we cover the basics, we'll find anything nasty...
blood abnormalities, urea and electrolytes, LFTs.
We'll tell the lab he's just a patient.
Different patients. That way it's less suspicious.
- What do you reckon he's got? - Couple of sandwiches short of a picnic?
Ah, thanks.
Oh, my God!
Is something wrong?
My friend's really ill.
- Sorry to hear that. - Oh, wait a minute. These are...
Yes?
Nothing.
Erm, how are you feeling?
- This doesn't make any sense. - He's as clean as a whistle.
Nothing wrong with him.
Alun says he's never heard of quarterly blood tests.
They're new. They don't want us to die of any nasty diseases.
- You're not worried, are you - No!
Are you sure? We thought you might be.
- I'm not going to die of a... - Not going to die of a what?
A disease.
- At least, I don't think I will. - Right.
- So, what do you think you might die of? - How could I know?
- If you had to guess. - This is ridiculous. - Simon...
Alright, if I have to guess, I would say I'd probably die in an accident.
An accident?
You wouldn't get it.
Try us.
I was cursed.
What?
I was cursed and I'm gonna die in an accident.
I said you wouldn't get it!
- Wait, Si. Please tell us. - I'm sorry. Please tell us.
How are you cursed?
Egyptian tomb?
Aztec burial chamber?
No. My friend, Rich, and I, we... broke into a house when we were younger.
We were just kids messing about, we thought it was abandoned,
but there was an old woman living there and she cornered us and she cursed us.
Said we'd both die within ten years.
- And this was...? - Nearly ten years ago.
- And Rich... - Just because some old woman... - No.
No, Queen...
- Pathaya. - Queen Pathaya?!
She isn't just some old woman. She was in the circus.
- She's quite famous in a particular field. - You believed her?
She knew everything. She said Rich would have his heart broken
at 18 and that happened.
- Si, everyone has their heart broken at 18. - I didn't.
- Simon... - It's fine. I don't mind.
I've had ages to get used to the idea.
Everyone has their time.
That's it.
- That's what's wrong with Adam. - Who's Adam?
He is the creepiest thing I've ever seen. Please tell me...
- Don't worry. They're just for nurses. - Thank God for that!
Looks like a prop from some sci-fi horror film.
You can preset medical conditions in them.
Somebody must have programmed Adam to die at a certain age.
If I can manually alter his date of birth
from his system files, I can bring him back.
I'll just reboot his processing unit.
I think we'll leave you to it.
'I knew he was odd, but this is taking it too far. He needs help. '
We went through all that because he thinks he's under bag lady's curse.
- Some people believe in these things. - He's a doctor!
All I'm saying is maybe we can help him. He is our friend.
- Fine. You distract him, I'll get the straightjacket. - I didn't mean that.
What then?
Just through here.
This is very nice, isn't it?
I like your scatter cushions.
- Hello, Simon. - Oh, Dilys. What are you doing here?
- Your friends asked me to come. - Dilys reads palms.
My grandmother taught me.
- That's very kind of you, but... - Come on.
She might be able to tell if it might come true or not.
If you wouldn't mind, I prefer to give my readings in private.
Of course. We'll leave you to it.
- So, do you read tea leaves as well? - No, love, just palms.
I'd have thought tea leaves were perfect for you.
Too much of a busman's holiday. Takes the fun out of it.
- Thanks for this. - My pleasure.
Simon seemed happier.
- You think he's going to live a long life? - Oh, no.
With those palms, I'm surprised he's lasted this long.
But I never like to give people bad news.
What were you going to say earlier on?
- When? - "I'll be successful but only if I... "
Only if you...
No, sorry. It's gone. I have to be in the moment, see? Ta-ra.
I was just humouring her.
- So, good news. - Yeah, I guess so.
To be honest, I'm not convinced Dilys is fully qualified.
Oh, come on, mate.
Do you know what the mad thing is?
- I used to think it was quite cool. - The curse? - Yeah.
Live fast, die young.
I had ten years to do whatever I wanted to do.
Didn't have to worry about getting old...
Hey! How are you doing?
It's freaking me out. We see patients every day in the hospital,
slipping away into... nothing,
leaving behind a few people who remember them
and they just bang on about how nice and kind and selfless that person was
and they always miss out the interesting stuff.
I thought Dilys said you'd be fine.
What are they gonna say at my funeral?
Here lies Simon Strettle, he was a bit weird?
If you're that worried about it, why don't you call Richard?
- I can't do that. - Why not? - Because Richard's dead.
It came last week. It's from his mum.
- So what now? - What do you mean? There's nothing we can do.
We've got to help him.
If he thinks he's going to die because of some irrational...
I know he's being irrational, but...
if your friend died, you'd be shaken up too.
- Maybe we just need to appeal to his superstitious side. - We tried.
He ignored what Dilys said.
Deep down,
I think he wants a tragic death.
Then that's what we'll give him. I've got an idea.
Have either of you got a spade?
Get up, put your clothes on.
- Now can you tell me what I'm doing here? - My Nan told me about it.
In north Wales, ages ago, they used to have fake funerals
to trick the spirits into thinking the person had already died.
They'd make a Guy and dress it in the person's clothes and bury it.
So we're going to do it for you to break the curse.
You've made a Guy version of me?!
Kind of.
- You can't bury him. - You said he was broken. They were throwing him out.
At least this is more dignified.
Oh, I guess so.
Would you like to say a few words?
- No... - It's OK, Si.
"It is a sad irony that Dr Simon Strettle
"spent so much of his tragically short life
"healing other people and yet in the final event, was unable to heal himself.
"In many ways, however,
"he shall live on in the memories of the many patients he healed
"and in the hearts of the friends who loved him. "
Sorry.
- I kind of stumbled across it. - It's OK.
Bye, Adam.
Hello, Doctor.
- 'What happened?' - 'I forgot to greet him by name when I rebooted him. '
And anyway, it worked.
- What did? - I changed his fate. He's meant to be dead, but he's alive.
So if it worked for Adam, then...
I could change my fate too.
I hereby curse myself to... be stuck with you lot for the foreseeable future.
So you're definitely not leaving us then?
No.
Thanks, guys,
for...
everything.
What are friends for? But next time you can dig your own grave.
My shoulders are killing me.
Doctor, I'm thirsty.
Well, drink your tea.
- Are you sure we shouldn't have buried him? - No.
What are you doing about your Death Book?
- We could burn it in the incinerator at work. - Dunno.
- Why not? - It took me ages to get it all together.
- You don't need it now. - No, Cath.
- It's unbelievable. Unbelievable. - Oh, come on. Come on.
- Si? - Yeah, I'll catch you up.
Si?
What are you doing?
Yeah.
Yeah, sorry.
Doctor Strettle, trainee anaesthetist.
We've endured five years of IVF.
- I realise this is hard. - No, you don't.
- What's up with him? - Are you OK? - Get a doctor.
I know you're trying to do your job, but what do you know?
Have you had the results back yet?
Or I can give him the blood and just turn a blind eye.
- You can't. - I take full responsibility.
'It's Mr David Hill. I was in this morning. '
Yes, and?
Corrected by Lauta