- Yo, guys. - What the hell's going on here?
What the hell?
It's probably a float.
Yeah, they got a parade for every day of the week in this city.
Keep talking shit and see what happens.
'Cause you wouldn't say it to my face 'cause you're a bitch.
Well, come down and get fucked up then.
I wish you would,
'cause I'll fucking spin kick you in the sternum.
Jerkoff.
You know what? I got shit I gotta do. I'll call you later, Mommy.
Jesus! That's how you talk to your mom?
Dude, what's going on outside?
There's a union issue or something. They're all pissed off.
The guy upstairs... Maurice... that owns Webster Hall,
he's gonna come down here and help me sort it all out. So...
- (motor whirring) - What the hell is that?
What the hell is that?
Oh, shit. That's not the blowup doll I ordered.
- (siren wailing) - (car engine turns over)
- (rock music playing) - * We're a Brooklyn band *
♪ It's rock 'n' roll we live ♪
♪ But to pay the rent ♪
♪ We gotta play for kids ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ Are you ready? ♪
♪ Are you ready to start the show? ♪
♪ Z Rock coming ♪
♪ Here we go! ♪ (screams)
Kids: Z Rock!
(strikers chanting) Sí, se puede...
Oh, God, this is bad. We are fucked.
What is the big deal?
So you have a big, giant balloon animal outside your club.
- I don't get it. - It's a balloon rat.
Okay, so it's like the Thanksgiving Day parade.
They have balloon Snoopys and balloon Garfields.
Can you explain to him what that means, please, Neil?
That rat means we're breaking union laws.
People are gonna boycott the club 'cause of this.
All right, well, let's figure it out. We can work it out.
Put our minds together.
I could use your help. I happen to have a seaside shack
in Cape May that I was gonna go to this weekend.
Maybe you could come with me, hang out, me and you,
shirts off, some tantric massage.
There's a hot new yoga class we could take.
(laughing)
- Yo, Neil. - Oh, fuck.
- What's up, Neil baby? - Hey.
This is Maurice. Maurice owns Webster Hall upstairs.
- Nice to meet you finally. - Hey, brother.
I really apologize. I did not wanna meet you
under these circumstances, but I don't know what's going on.
I thought they were just gonna fill that rat with candy
and hit it with a stick, but it's some real shit.
We're not even a union shop,
so I have no idea where this came from.
Let's put our heads together. We gotta figure something out.
You wanna help, honestly?
- Yeah. - All right.
Here's what you could do. I have a bungalow on Fire Island, okay?
I get it half the year.
We just get away from this, like, just clear our heads out.
I got a fridge full of white zin. I got "Harvey Milk" the uncut Blu-ray
with the money shots.
Maybe some penis origami. I don't know. Something.
Penis origami?
Yeah, the folding, you know... you make a swan or something.
It's nice around the holidays.
I got plans.
Paulie's gonna help me think of some ideas out at my place...
I was, but this weekend actually is hair weekend.
- I gotta wash. - Well, there you go, buddy.
So you're all mine this weekend.
Actually, we're about to go meet Dina for lunch.
I'm gonna grab a bite with these guys.
We gotta work it out. Could you please... I'd rather you didn't.
- We'll talk after. - Right after.
- We'll talk right after. - We have to work this out.
(laughing)
I still don't get what's so funny about it.
You honestly don't see the irony in this whole situation?
I don't even know what that word means, so no.
Dude, this exact same thing happens to me all the time.
Who's doing that to you? I'd slap him in his mouth
if I found out someone was doing that to you.
- Oh, boy. - You!
- You're the one. - I make you feel uncomfortable?
All the fucking time!
How do I make you uncomfortable?
What Maurice did to you is what you do to me.
How do you not see that?
Shit. Now I feel really bad.
Why don't you do me a favor?
Come with me for an hour. There's one of those fuck motels
- on the side of the LIE... - (David and Joey laughing)
- Hey, what's up? - Hi, my baby boys, Neil.
- Hey, fellas. - You remember Darren
- from The Cutting Room? - Yeah, jazz club, right?
- You remember Darren, right? - How you guys doing, man?
Darren called me and he had a pitch he wanted to give to you guys.
I told him I was coming to lunch and he could come along.
I want you to play at a political rally.
It's for a local Brooklyn guy running for state senate.
His name is Simon Kay.
I never heard of him, but who cares who it's for?
That's not our thing... politics.
You're not selling it too good right now.
All you gotta do is come up with your own campaign song
- that kind of personalizes Senator Kay. - Is that it?
Okay, well, look, if you didn't lose us before,
you just lost us.
Seriously, you would want us to do something that we have no interest in
and we gotta write a whole other song and customize it?
It's $10,000 for the gig.
- What? - I love politics.
One song... $10,000?
- So you guys in? - The answer is yes.
- Done. - Boom!
- In there? - Joey: Put it in!
- ZO2! - $10,000!
See you guys tomorrow at the campaign office, all right?
- We'll call you. - Paulie: We really need this.
If you guys snuggle up with this guy
and get in with him really good, you can help me out with my problem.
They could get this giant rat taken down from in front of my club.
We could probably put the word out.
That's how politics works.
I'll scratch your back, you scratch my front
- then I'll whistle into your pee hole. - Ugh!
So what's the etiquette when you meet a politician?
Do they have a secret handshake that you gotta give?
Or can you not touch 'em at all like the Queen of England?
No, with a state senator,
I think you're actually supposed to kiss him on the lips.
It's true.
Just be glad it's not the governor. Then it could really get crazy.
Do you even know what a state senator is?
That's a good question. What the hell is a state senator?
We're so excited to meet this guy. I don't even know what he does.
Okay, let me break this down to you.
Think of "American Idol." You know how they have judges and contestants?
The senator is the judge
and the laws are the contestants.
Hopefully, this guy Simon Kay is like Simon Cowell.
That would be great.
If we get like a Paula Abdul,
then the neighborhood kind of goes to shit.
Please don't embarrass me today.
It's all a mistake. We're not a union house.
This has to be moved. We have to move it off my property.
(speaking Spanish)
I don't speak Hebrew.
(speaking Spanish)
- Forklift, you said forklift? - Sí.
If I had a forklift, I'd use it to move this fucking rat out of the street.
Still with this?
If they only speak Ewok, why do they have signs in English?
Who made that for them? Dude, my head is killing me from this.
- Could you just rub my temples? - No.
- Can I just rub your temples? - No!
How about I just come in your hair, dude? Split the difference.
In this humidity, I'm gonna get flyaways.
So this is what a campaign office looks like.
- This is exciting. - I'm excited.
Who's running, man? Hugh Hefner? This is ridiculous in here.
I don't think I would have ever picked up a guitar if I'd known there were
so many hot women in politics.
Now all of a sudden you're interested in politics?
Well, I didn't know it was like this.
I vote every year religiously.
- Joseph, your nose is growing. - I don't believe that.
- It gets bigger than that? - I think it's a sacred duty
as an American and to tell you the truth, I don't think you have the right
to complain about the all-star game unless you vote.
(vocalizes fanfare)
Ladies and gentlemen, future state senator
- Mr. Simon Kay! - Thank you, thank you.
How are you guys doing? How are you?
So I'm superpsyched to hear about you guys playing at the rally coming up,
because I'm gonna get great buzz.
I also wanna give you a personal invitation
to my summer house up in Nova Scotia for the post-rally party.
Zebi will take care of the paperwork.
- I'm on that. - Simon: I gotta get going.
Politics... meeting to go to. I'll see you guys later.
- Great. - Dina: Definitely.
Hold on. One more thing. We actually have this friend of ours...
he owns this club. He's got a bit of a union problem happening out in front.
You think maybe you can talk to some people, grease some wheels?
- Sure, no problem. - David: Really?
Paulie: Just look for... it's a big rat.
It's a good thing you remembered.
Listen, he invited you to Nova Scotia, man.
Do you know what that means? Titties.
It's gonna be the best thing you've ever seen.
Look around this office. All he has is beautiful girls, man.
I own a jazz club. I don't give a fuck about him.
I'm in this because you go to this summer house.
It's gonna be despicable, man.
Put your evil hats on.
Someone look at me. Why are you doing this?
If you're all here, who's selling weed in the Bronx right now?
(strikers chanting) Sí, se puede...
Oh, Paulie, that is what I needed right there.
It's cool to call me Paulie, dude.
What the fuck? Come on, Maurice.
- You're not helping. - Oh, my God!
What's happening? Are they leaving?
Yeah. Now we don't have to go to your bungalow on Fire Island
and talk about nothing.
I know, dude. We can just hang out in the sun, man. It's gonna be awesome.
We're gonna have a bonfire. We're gonna have a dickfight on the beach,
like samurais at sunset, and whoever loses has to clean all the fish.
- That's the rules, dude. - What rules?
The bushido of dickfighting.
- Bushido? - Yeah, bushido.
You know, like, two warriors fight with their dicks,
and then one warrior is victorious,
and then that warrior's two friends Gary and Tony come over
to his bungalow and shoot ropes on your beard.
I'm gonna look that up.
It's a martial art. The point is I'm not into belts.
I'm into ropes... on you.
Guys, I just spoke to Neil.
The rat people are gone.
Kay probably made a call and got rid of them.
- Yes. - It's good to know the man.
And we're going to Nova Scotia, baby!
- Oh, yes! - It's the Caribbean of Canada.
Hold on, let's focus on the main point right now.
We need a song that we can incorporate his name into for the rally.
Like "All In" if we did like "Simon's In."
We have a song with Kay in the title...
"If You See Kay."
You can't curse at a political rally.
There's no curse words in that song, is there?
Really? Okay, what's the name of the song?
- "If You See Kay." - What does that mean?
I don't know. You're looking for Kay. What the hell do I know?
That's one meaning and now say it fast.
- "If You See K..." whoa! - Aha!
- That's how we wrote it, you moron. - Really?
Yeah. But I just realized a way we can use that, though.
- "If You Vote Kay." - All right.
- Am I a problem solver? - David: Dina, we got the song.
What do you mean "we" got it? I got it.
- Great. - Dina, what's the matter?
Look at this crap.
- David: The FBI's investigating Kay? - Oh, no.
They think he's got ties to organized crime.
You see? I told you it was too good to be true.
David: No, you didn't.
Dina, so what are we gonna do? We can't be tied in to the mob.
Of course not. We're not gonna be tied in to the mob.
I'm gonna call Darren. I'll sit down with him, and we'll talk, okay?
If you sit down with the mob, that means you get whacked
- in the Pine Barrens. - You're watching way too many movies.
I will call you when I know something, all right?
I'll be back. Have lunch. Have a great time.
I have a bad feeling that after this,
Dina's gonna be sleeping with the fishes.
Who cares? Dina sleeps with everybody.
Isn't it just a beautiful day?
You know, you gotta love Manhattan.
Why the fuck are we on this bus?
We're here because I need to know
what that article in the paper was about.
I wanted to make sure we were somewhere in the open air
so we will be safe from the mafia
and safe from the FBI.
Look, is Simon Kay in the mafia or not?
Of course he's not.
Then why do all these people look so suspicious?
And I am not being paranoid. Look at these two.
They don't go together, those two girls. They don't look like they'd be friends.
FBI.
I understand that you're nervous about these accusations,
but I can assure you Simon has nothing to do with the mafia.
Don't worry about it.
- Okay? - All right. Okay.
All right. Can we get off this fucking bus?
Not for 20 minutes.
I'm sorry. We have 20 minutes.
What are we gonna do for 20 minutes?
Just look around.
- (cell phone rings) - It's Dina.
- Hello. - Simon Kay is definitely in the mafia.
- Really? - We cannot do the rally.
- Okay. - Watch your ass. I gotta go.
All right, bye.
- He's in the mafia. - No way.
She just told me we cannot do this rally.
- We can't do it. - Joey: Listen to me.
I'm not pissing away $10,000 because Dina said so.
I know people in the old neighborhood.
I can reach out, get some information
and find this out for sure.
What people are you gonna talk to?
I know guys that know guys.
I know guys who know guys.
The guys that you know and the guys that they know
are all idiots.
Trust me on this one. Let's go.
Just stand behind me, all right?
I'm gonna do all the talking. That's Teddy.
I remember him from when I was little.
Excuse me, Teddy.
- Teddy the Nose? - Who are you?
Joey Cassata. I used to play stickball here when I was little.
- Joey Cassata. Mikey's kid. - Yeah.
Look at you. You still never got a haircut.
Not since third grade. You know me. How are you? How's everything?
Not good. Look at the neighborhood. Everything's changed.
Nothing's the same anymore.
You never change. You look exactly the same.
Yeah, that's 'cause I moisturize.
That's nice. Listen, I need some information
on this politician guy Simon Kay. You know anything about him?
I don't know nothing anymore, Joey. Things have changed.
I mean, I got no more juice.
This place... no more Italian social club.
You're kidding me. What is it?
Buddhist temple in the back. Whole-leaf tea shop in the front.
- Really? - Yeah, I'm studying to be a monk.
- You're kidding. - I swear to God. If things go well,
I'm gonna have my papers by Labor Day.
You want organic clover honey with these?
Come on, Patsy, put it down. It's a new one we're trying.
Yeah, organic clover honey.
- Looks nice. - Patsy, go ahead, get out of here.
And call your mother!
So, Teddy, what should I do if I need this information?
You gotta go see Don Vitto.
- Where is he? - The bocce courts.
The indoor ones or the outdoor ones?
What do you think he is, an animal? The indoor ones.
Thank you so much. It's so good to see you.
- Get a haircut, huh? - No, come on.
- Shalom. - Respect.
(yells) Patsy, did you call your mother?
(whistles) Oh, shoot. Joey, they got bocce ball.
- Relax. - This place is uber Italiano.
- Yeah. - If "Godfather," "Goodfellas"
and "Raging Bull" had a threesome and somehow they had a love child
from that threesome, this would be the kid.
Guys, please do me two favors: Don't say anything stupid
and keep your mouth shut.
Isn't that, like, a variation of the same thing?
Just stay here and watch bocce ball, okay?
I'll be right back.
Don Vitto. Hey, it's Joey Cassata from the old neighborhood.
Giuseppe. Your Michael's kid?
- Yes yes. - How you doing?
I used to play stickball with your son Vito down at the 207 schoolyard.
How's he doing these days?
- He's a drag queen. - Oh my God. My condolences.
No no no, he's doing very well. He's down in Miami.
He does an Ava Gardner that would bring a tear
to Frank Sinatra's eye.
That's good. As long as you're proud of him, right?
Yeah, he's doing good. He's doing good.
I went down to the old store to see you.
You went to the fucking Buddhist temple.
- I couldn't believe it. - You believe that shit?
But I tell you what,
they got a beautiful cup of chamomile.
Now what can I do for you, kid?
I'm trying to get some information on this guy Simon Kay.
The politician?
Yeah, you know? Is he one of us?
Not one of me, one of you.
You know, one of this guy right here. He's definitely in.
The guy back here with the cards, he's in, right?
You know, in the... in the maf...
Mafia?
Kid, come here.
You got nothing to worry about.
Simon Kay is not in the mafia.
Thank God. Don Vitto, you have no idea.
And more importantly,
there is not now,
nor has there ever been,
nor will there ever be
a mafia.
What?
Oh!
Of course there's no such thing as the mafia.
Just a salt shaker.
Are we gonna do full court or half court?
It's always full court, dumbass.
Listen, kid, you came to me with all respect...
Thank you.
...but your boys down here, what are they doing?
- You wanna get 'em out of here, please? - Oh, no. Don Vitto, I'm so sorry.
Thank you for all your help. I'll see you soon.
My hands are disgusting.
Why don't you guys wear gloves? This is disgusting.
What are you two idiots doing?
Come here. I got the information we need.
Simon Kay is not in the...
- Mafia? - Shh!
What?
We can play the rally. We're good. Let's go.
I gotta say goodbye to my paisanos.
Brother, it's been real.
Guys, I'm sorry. They have no respect for the club.
I'll teach you that throw later, okay?
Ow!
Good to see you guys again. Dina.
- How come you don't like me? - I like you. I just don't trust you.
Anyway, he's gonna come out, say hello, talk some shit.
He might even sing with you. He's goofy like that.
One thing you don't do... just don't mention the paper.
Here he comes. Here he comes.
(crowd cheering, applauding)
- Go get the wine. - Oh, okay.
- Hey, how are you guys doing? - Good seeing you again.
Darren taking care of you guys?
Yes, sir.
You know that whole thing with the newspaper,
I'm sorry about that. Listen, it's just lies.
Just a pack of lies and if nothing else,
please, you guys can really trust me.
One thing...
I've got something for you guys here.
A token of our appreciation.
A case of wine.
This is for the post-rally party up in Nova Scotia.
Nova Scotia... the Brazil of Canada.
I thought it was the Caribbean of Canada.
- That's Ottawa. - Oh.
Thank you very very much on behalf of the band.
- Thank you. - This is gonna be great.
- Enjoy the wine, fellas. - Enjoy the wine.
- No, I can't take... - Here you go.
Sure. Oh, good God, yeah.
- Just put it in the van, Dina. - No problem. Got it.
- Bye, Senator. - Joey: Simon!
Next senator.
(crowd chanting) Kay, Kay, Kay, Kay...
Hey, how you guys doing?
Hey, how's everybody doing out there?
Everyone's having a good time?
I want you to do two things.
I want you to vote... vote for me...
and give it up to our special guests...
ZO2!
Thank you! Ladies and gentlemen, I just want to say how honored we are
to be here to support the future state senator.
- Thank you. - He's a great politician, a great man
and, more importantly,
he has nothing to do with the mafia.
Man: Yeah!
Paulie: Okay? Yeah, you can applaud, 'cause that's a good thing.
And with that, I say, let's rock.
- (rock music playing) - * Oh, yeah! *
♪ Hey! ♪
♪ Well, if you vote Kay, you'll be a winner ♪
♪ Oh, yeah! Hey! ♪
♪ Now if you vote Kay, you'll be fine ♪
♪ Oh, yeah! Hey! ♪
♪ He'll clean up the streets, all the crooks and the sinners ♪
♪ So if you vote Kay, you can tell them ♪
♪ Oh, it's just his time. ♪
(siren wailing)
Man: This is the FBI. Stop the music. Stay right where you are.
FBI. You're under arrest.
- Darren. - Who the fuck is Darren?
- I still say he's innocent. - He was just hauled away
- by a troop of FBI guys. - They got the wrong guy.
- There's no way Don Vitto was wrong. - You kidding me right now?
- Gentlemen. - What are you doing?
- That's our wine! - We have been tracking Mr. Kay
- for a long long time. - Joey: Here it is.
Mr. Kay was trying to dupe you into smuggling cocaine
- into Canada. - Paulie: Are you kidding me?
Now we're never gonna get to see Nova Scotia.
They say that's the Brazil of Canada.
No, that's Toronto. Nova Scotia is the Colombia of Canada.
Nothing but drug smugglers up there.
The wine case was full of cocaine.
What kind of a rookie move is that? That's not how you smuggle drugs.
You smuggle drugs in your ass.
I smuggled a little pot across state lines once.
How much pot did you have?
It was just a half-smoked joint, really, but I still put it up there.
- Oh, God. - You asked.
Neil, I need the remote. Channel 3.
- What happened? - Watch this.
Thanks, Larry. This is Debbie DeMontague
reporting live in Brooklyn on the breaking Simon Kay situation.
The FBI has just released conclusive evidence
tying Simon Kay to a drug smuggling operation
funded by the Russian mob.
I told you he wasn't in the mafia,
which by the way does not,
will never and has never existed.
Who the hell are you talking to?
For a man-on-the-street commentary,
I'm here with local business owner Pasquale Digiorno.
Mr. Digiorno, thoughts on the Simon Kay situation?
This guy here... I don't like him.
That's your friend.
I gotta tell you guys, this whole situation has really portrayed Italians
in a beautiful beautiful light.
Wait!
For all your Buddhist temple and organic tea needs,
we're featuring clover honey over there.
Come down to Patsy's.
For a discount, rub the belly three times.
I'm out.
Okay, well, maybe not such a beautiful light.
- (mechanical whirring) - Here we go again.
- What are we gonna do now? - I don't know.
Neil, I came as soon as I heard. Oh God.
Now do you see why we have to go to the cabin?
They're never gonna leave us alone.
We've gotta get out of the city.
We'll all split up, okay?
You guys take the van. I've got a place in the woods.
It's the only way. Look at that thing. Look at it!
I'm gonna take care of it, okay?
You guys wanna be a slave to the system, you go for it.
I'm gonna take care of this shit.
- Maurice, what's he doing? - I don't know.
But he's doing it sexy.
Looks like the cub has finally become the bear.
It's time for a little anarchy!
- (air hissing) - Go, balloon! You get him!
(shouting)
It's fighting back! It's fighting back!
(strikers groan)
(theme music playing)
- Man: One, two, three! - Kids: Z Rock!
Man: Intermission.