1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,720
♪ Ahh-ahh

2
00:00:03,760 --> 00:00:08,400
♪ Don't let them go Don't let them go

3
00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:11,880
♪ Take a beautiful dream and let it show

4
00:00:11,920 --> 00:00:15,720
♪ Don't let them go Don't let them go

5
00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:18,640
♪ Take a beautiful dream

6
00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:21,320
♪ And let it grow,
grow, grow, grow, grow

7
00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:24,760
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. ♪

8
00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:28,840
SIMON: England might be cold and grey

9
00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:31,200
but you shouldn't
overlook its attractions.

10
00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:34,880
In the years I've been away,

11
00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:37,160
I've worked my manicured
fingers to the bone.

12
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:42,400
I'm the crown prince - well, queen
- of international window dressing.

13
00:00:42,440 --> 00:00:47,080
But I'm not expecting a
red-carpet welcome in my home town.

14
00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:54,400
Ah, the magnificently
named Melody Crescent,

15
00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:57,080
where yours truly first
sashayed down the sidewalk.

16
00:00:57,120 --> 00:00:59,480
Oh, OK, then
- pranced along the pavement.

17
00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:02,160
This sad-looking house was
once floral and fabulous,

18
00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:04,080
home to my best friend Kylie.

19
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:09,080
And this... yes, this
is whereIstarted out.

20
00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:12,000
This was home.

21
00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:16,200
DOORBELL CHIMES

22
00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:20,560
Simon!

23
00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:22,760
What are you doing back, lover?

24
00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:25,320
Sacha's dumped me.

25
00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:29,560
Oh, no. Oh, my poor baby.

26
00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:31,760
SHE TUTS Who's Sacha?

27
00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:35,640
Don't you follow me on Twitter?

28
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:37,280
Oh, we did for a while

29
00:01:37,320 --> 00:01:40,760
but your dad's bang into Stephen
Fry's quirky updates, tweet-wise.

30
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:42,080
Who are they?

31
00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:43,960
I took in a couple of Poles, love.

32
00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:49,320
Is it OK if I just go to
my room and lick my wounds?

33
00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:51,240
Is that a gay thing?

34
00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:52,920
They'll need washing. Do you mind?

35
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:56,280
Mind? Course not. What are mums for?

36
00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:57,480
Bless.

37
00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:01,000
Paulenka? Ivona?

38
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:21,440
On, it's nice to have you back, lover.

39
00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:23,560
Back in the bosom, so to speak.

40
00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:25,480
'Bless.'

41
00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:28,160
Oh, remember this?

42
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:30,720
How could I forget?

43
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:35,560
'You know, I wasn't always a
glass-half-empty, gay 20-something

44
00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:37,120
'with my hands in my pockets.

45
00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:39,880
'I was a glass-half-full
teen mincing machine

46
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:42,040
'with my hands well
and truly in the air.

47
00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:46,080
'Because whereas most
14-year-old boys in 1998

48
00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:48,640
'were fancying girls
and playing football,

49
00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:50,760
'me and my best mate Kylie

50
00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:53,680
'were fancying footballers
and playing girls.'

51
00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:55,640
Simon, your tea's ready!

52
00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:59,200
So, how was everyone's day?

53
00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:01,360
Simon?

54
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:04,240
Eugh. Well, you know Madame Bricolage?

55
00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:06,720
New French teacher with
the dodgy decolletage.

56
00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:09,520
Cuts her own hair. Big
fan of a clip-on earring.

57
00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:14,000
Well, she turned up
at school today in...

58
00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:17,440
a '70s micro safari suit.

59
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:21,440
With matching mushroom
accessories, if you please.

60
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:24,240
Oh, that is obscene. Do
you mind? We're eating.

61
00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:27,080
I feel sick. Bleugh. I'm
this close to retching.

62
00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:29,760
Oh, what does she think she's
playing at?That is an outrage.

63
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:32,720
I thought teachers were
meant to set an example.

64
00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:36,080
What is the world coming to? That
is political correctness gone mad.

65
00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:37,120
Is it?

66
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:38,960
No, it probably isn't, is it?

67
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,360
Ashlene?

68
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:43,320
Well, you know you told me
to be nice to that new boy?

69
00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:44,720
Manners cost nothing, Ashlene.

70
00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:45,440
I tongued him.

71
00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:47,800
Round the back of the Mo Mowlam Annexe.

72
00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:48,960
Oh, bless.

73
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:50,720
And he got serious wood.

74
00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:53,080
You're all heart, Ashlene.

75
00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:54,960
Got any homework, Simon?

76
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:58,440
Oh, yes, we have to
do a project on genes.

77
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:00,080
Now, that is a brilliant subject.

78
00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:03,880
I've got a gorgeous pair of
Gloria Vanderbilts up in the loft.

79
00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:06,480
I was never out of them
in the '80s, was I, And?

80
00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:09,760
Wouldn't take them off for
no-one. Yeah. I remember.

81
00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:13,240
They're Gloria Vanderbilts, Doctor.

82
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:16,600
Scrape or no scrape, these big
boys ain't coming off for no-one.

83
00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:19,240
HE TUTS Not those sort of jeans.

84
00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:22,000
He means genes. Like,
family trees and shit.

85
00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:23,920
Does your mum let you
say "shit" at home?

86
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:26,280
Nah, but she talks a lot of it.

87
00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:30,520
So, as of tonight, I'm going
to be drawing up our family tree

88
00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:33,480
and interviewing you all
about our family history.

89
00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:35,400
ALL: Ooh!

90
00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:38,800
'Kylie's genealogy research
was a rather brief affair.'

91
00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:41,400
Me mam's name were Enid,
me dad's name were Roy.

92
00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:44,400
Your dad was Matt the
Twat. And that's it.

93
00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:46,440
That's your family.

94
00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,000
Just get 'em off, batty bwoy.

95
00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:52,000
'Whereas, once my family started,
you couldn't shut them up.'

96
00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:54,840
And he was married to Rita-Anne,

97
00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,520
whose twin sister was Amy-May,
or Amy-Will, as we called her.

98
00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:59,760
She just had the 15 boys.

99
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,480
Um, Colin, Joseph, Brendan, Simeon,

100
00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,160
Winston, Ashton-Under-Lyme,
Georgie-Porgie...

101
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:07,720
Poor sod. Now, he really did
kiss the girls and make them cry.

102
00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:09,560
He turned out to be a serial rapist.

103
00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:12,280
Now, your Aunty Aoife with the lazy eye

104
00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:14,480
ran away to Paris to be a Bluebell,

105
00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:17,280
which is where I think you get
your love for the theatre from.

106
00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:19,680
Now, her triplets - Faith,
Hope and Chamois Leather -

107
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:21,640
had a trigamous marriage
with Ernie O'Flaherty

108
00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:24,480
who used to play the spoons outside
the Superquinn on Slainche Street.

109
00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:25,680
SITAR PLAYS

110
00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:29,000
And as the cold winds of
partition blew across the tundra,

111
00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:34,120
Daddy ran towards the
helicopter and I ran after him,

112
00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:38,320
my bare feet burning on all the
chilli peppers on the ground.

113
00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:41,800
"Don't leave me, Daddy," I cried.

114
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:44,360
"I am but a poor and lonely blind girl.

115
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:47,400
"How will I cope in
this newly divided land?"

116
00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:50,520
Hang on, you once told me
you were born in Bushey.

117
00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:53,280
MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY
Oh! I was on a roll then.

118
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:55,280
Bushey by name, bushy by nature.

119
00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:58,760
Anyway, Simon, although you
call her your Aunty Hayley,

120
00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:01,400
she's not your real aunty, so
what's she doing in your family tree?

121
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:04,320
Oh, no, we're allowed extended family.

122
00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:06,920
I must be about the
only person in my class

123
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:08,440
with real, live, married parents.

124
00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:12,720
That caused a few raised eyebrows
in school, I can tell you.

125
00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:14,800
THEY ALL LAUGH

126
00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:17,280
Married parents?!

127
00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:20,480
Freak. Weirdo.

128
00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:22,640
This is a sink estate.

129
00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:27,960
How can your parents possibly be -
what was the word again? - married?

130
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,200
But they are!

131
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,080
Prove it!

132
00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:34,840
So I said I'd take in a copy
of your marriage certificate.

133
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:37,560
I don't think I've got it.

134
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:41,360
No, I think you, er, accidentally
set fire to it, didn't you, Debs?

135
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:42,640
Oh!

136
00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:45,160
♪ Burn, baby, burn... ♪

137
00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:47,720
'There'd always been
something not quite right

138
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:49,440
'about my mum and dad's wedding.'

139
00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:51,920
So that's your mum and
dad's wedding photo?

140
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:53,680
Yeah.

141
00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:55,400
Isn't that Princess Di's wedding dress?

142
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:57,120
Yes, it is!

143
00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:58,520
How come?

144
00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:01,080
Well, she gave it me.Well, did she?

145
00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:04,840
Yeah. Oh, she was
lovely, Diana. A real pal.

146
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:08,240
But when she died, you never
once mentioned you'd met her.

147
00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:10,880
Didn't I?You know you didn't.

148
00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:12,560
Oh, I'm such a goofball.

149
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:15,480
In fact, whenever I do mention her,

150
00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:18,360
you call her a dead,
parasitical, airhead bitch.

151
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:19,960
Section me now!

152
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,480
That is a terrible thing to say

153
00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:24,080
about our latter day
Queen of Tarts...Hearts.

154
00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:25,600
Where'd you meet her?

155
00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:27,480
She's lying.I'm not lying.

156
00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:32,480
Well, when I was much younger,
I wanted to be a ballerina.

157
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:34,680
You're not the only one, girlfriend.

158
00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:40,760
SMASH!

159
00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:43,000
Simon!Simon!

160
00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:44,160
HAYLEY: Stop dancing!

161
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:47,320
Anyway, our ballet
mistress, Madame Edith,

162
00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:49,520
said I was a bit too
much of a bonny lass

163
00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:51,680
to really make it "en pointe".

164
00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:55,600
So I went and got that
anorexia, didn't I?

165
00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:57,440
Cor, that's not a barrel of laughs.

166
00:07:57,480 --> 00:07:59,640
That is not a barrel
of laughs, is it, And?

167
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,560
He isn't here.

168
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:04,640
Did you really? You've
never brought it up before.

169
00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:07,840
Unlike ever meal I had
from '79 through '83.

170
00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:10,880
Anyway, when I got down
to a very low weight,

171
00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:13,160
I think I was just under a stone,

172
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:15,560
I started going to a support group,

173
00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:17,080
and who should be there

174
00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:19,720
but lovely Lady Princess
Diana of Hearts Al-Fayed.

175
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:21,280
She took one look at me.

176
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:23,960
She said, "If you can get up
to your target weight, Debbie,

177
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:26,000
"I will give you my old wedding dress."

178
00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:29,760
Aren't they Princess Di's bridesmaids?

179
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:32,240
Well, that was her all
over. Give, give, give.

180
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:33,480
Right, who wants a cup of tea?

181
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:41,040
♪ I love to love you,
baby... ♪ KNOCK AT DOOR

182
00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:46,080
Here, Debbie, you know this erotica
stuff written for women by women?

183
00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:47,800
It's actually quite good.

184
00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:51,800
What do they call it
again? Clitorati? Flick lit?

185
00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:56,520
I wonder if I could
read it with one hand.

186
00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:59,240
Aunty Hayley... It's
the Peloponnesian Wars.

187
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:02,760
Did my mum used to
have a weight problem?

188
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:05,240
A weight problem?
Only, she said she did.

189
00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:08,320
Yeah, she was huge. She
was the size of a house.

190
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,920
Dumbo Debbie, we used to call her.

191
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,600
In fact, she was a dead
ringer for Giant Haystacks

192
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,120
when she married your dad.

193
00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:16,720
MUSIC: Mendelssohn's Wedding March

194
00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:19,840
AUNTY HAYLEY: When she said
she wanted roses in her bouquet,

195
00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:21,920
none of us realised she meant Cadbury's.

196
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,000
But see, that's the wonder of your dad.

197
00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:26,680
He's attracted to inner beauty.

198
00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:28,480
You are stunning!

199
00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:30,280
Hurry up so we can get on with the meal.

200
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:34,600
Dearly beloved, we are gathered
here in the sight of God...

201
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:36,040
Faster, Pastor!

202
00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:39,200
QUICKLY:...to join together this
man and this woman in holy matrimony

203
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:40,720
which is an honourable estate...

204
00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:42,760
SIMON: 'Over the years,
my family had recounted

205
00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:44,920
'the story of their big day many times,

206
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:47,200
'and their versions rarely tallied.

207
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:48,560
'For instance, my dad's...'

208
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:53,120
♪ Especially for you...
♪ FEEDBACK SQUEALS

209
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:56,520
♪ I wanna tell you I was
feeling that way too... ♪

210
00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:59,800
ANDY:'When I married your mother,
we were bang into Kylie and Jason,

211
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:02,960
'though our mic technique
left a lot to be desired.'

212
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:06,480
SIMON: And don't even get
me started on that mullet.

213
00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:08,640
♪ No matter how far... ♪

214
00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:10,760
'Then, of course, there
was my mum's version.'

215
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:12,880
MUSIC: "Relax" by
Frankie Goes To Hollywood

216
00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:15,920
'It being the '80s, power
dressing was in with a capital P.'

217
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:19,720
♪ Relax, don't do it when you want to...

218
00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:21,400
No, OK, pull me, Precious Marie.

219
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,080
'But it's no laughing matter

220
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:25,920
'when you discover your meringue's
too big for the house of God.'

221
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,240
♪ Relax, don't do it...

222
00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:29,600
Andy!

223
00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:32,880
♪ Relax, don't do it

224
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:35,360
♪ When you want to come. ♪

225
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:38,040
Hang on a sec.

226
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:41,440
You told me before that you were
wearing Lady Diana's wedding dress.

227
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,080
Oh, yeah.

228
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,240
God, I always get so
confused about it. Um...

229
00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:48,200
It's almost like you
never got married at all.

230
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:54,200
Anyway, shall we have a singsong?

231
00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:58,160
♪ I'm a fire starter
Twisted fire starter... ♪

232
00:10:58,200 --> 00:10:59,720
Oh, my God.

233
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,800
Did you never get married?

234
00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:06,880
Am I...a bastard?

235
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:08,560
SHE SOBS

236
00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:14,200
No and yes.

237
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,760
I think the phrase is "gay bastard".

238
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:18,880
ANDY AND HAYLEY: Ashlene!

239
00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:28,440
I'm...

240
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:30,480
a foundling.

241
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:40,120
♪ Where is love

242
00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:46,000
♪ Does it fall from skies above

243
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:51,680
♪ Is it underneath the willow tree

244
00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:57,840
♪ That I've been dreaming of... ♪

245
00:11:57,880 --> 00:11:59,440
KNOCK AT DOOR

246
00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:04,120
Cheer up, girlfriend.
Being a bastard rocks.

247
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:07,200
SPRIGHTLY MUSIC STARTS

248
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:11,600
♪ Consider yourself at home... ♪

249
00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:13,800
MUSIC STOPS Piss off.

250
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:23,440
We always meant to get married, lover.

251
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:26,520
Just, life kept getting in
the way. And we were so young.

252
00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:29,160
The first time your dad stood me up.

253
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:30,680
Bastard!

254
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,600
No, you're the bastard. Sorry.

255
00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:36,240
Yeah. I waited and waited.

256
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:38,160
Where was he?

257
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:40,520
Gone to an Enya gig the night before.

258
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,280
Got lagging drunk with some other freaks

259
00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:44,360
who were into that stupid Irish bitch.

260
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:46,280
Slept in a gutter. Not
that I hold a grudge.

261
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:47,960
My God, that's awful.

262
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,280
I know.

263
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:50,760
Dad's into Enya?!

264
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:52,720
No, Simon, it's awful he stood me up.

265
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,160
So, second time around
I got my own back.

266
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,120
Forgot to go to the registry office.

267
00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:00,280
Checked out a Kajagoogoo
concert instead.

268
00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:01,920
My God!

269
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:05,240
I thought you guys had
good taste in music.

270
00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:06,960
I wasn't in my right mind.

271
00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:10,400
Anyway, then I fell
pregnant with Ashlene

272
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,760
and time never really felt
right and I changed my name.

273
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:15,960
I'm shocked.I'm sorry.

274
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:17,160
Enya?!

275
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:19,040
All right, Simon, don't
kick the arse out of it.

276
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:20,720
You're really showing yourself up now.

277
00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:24,640
MUSIC: "Too Shy" by Kajagoogoo

278
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,960
CLOCK TICKS

279
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:33,640
You're doing that thing with your foot.

280
00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:36,440
That thing you do when
you're really upset.

281
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,960
I've only ever seen you do
it three times in your life.

282
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:45,480
The day you came out of hospital
after having your appendix out.

283
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:48,280
Do you blame me? I only
went in to go carol singing.

284
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:51,360
The night Eldoradofinished.
Polly Perkins was a God.

285
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:53,240
The Moldova massacre in Dynasty.

286
00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:55,360
I thought Joan Collins
might be brain damaged.

287
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:56,880
And now.

288
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,720
You know I hated lying to the kids.

289
00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:02,000
I'm basically an honest person, lover.

290
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:03,960
Well, now they know the truth.

291
00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:10,360
Still, Simon seems to have
taken it quite well, really.

292
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:14,400
MUSIC: "First Cut Is The
Deepest" by Cat Stevens

293
00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:17,520
I'm self-harming cos I'm
full of self-loathing.

294
00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:19,280
There's blood a-pumpin'

295
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:22,760
and a-spillin' all over my
Phoebe from Friendsduvet set.

296
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:25,240
She's hilare.

297
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:28,600
Amazing how your blood's
the exact same colour

298
00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:30,720
as your mum's Hollywood Kiss lipliner.

299
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:36,080
I know. Isn't
it to-die-for?

300
00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:37,600
Cheer up, girlfriend.

301
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:40,400
One day we're gonna move
to London and live where?

302
00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:42,120
Amongst the beautiful people.

303
00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:44,400
But the big question is, Kylie,

304
00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:48,720
will they accept me when they find
out I come from une maison cassee?

305
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:50,360
Une what?

306
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,160
Broken home.

307
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:53,840
HE SIGHS

308
00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:56,480
If honesty is so important to you...

309
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:58,240
It is, lover.

310
00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:01,240
Then maybe I should make
an honest woman of you.

311
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:04,480
SHEGASPS

312
00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:08,600
Debbie Doonan, would you do
me the immense honour of...

313
00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:13,680
Pulling my leg. I've got a
cramp. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

314
00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:18,200
You were gonna ask me a question.

315
00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:20,560
I know! My feckin' leg!
What were you gonna say?

316
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:21,680
Will you thingy?What?

317
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:23,200
Will you marry us?Marry YOU?

318
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:24,600
That's what I said.You said us.

319
00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:26,320
Don't split hairs.Yes!

320
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:27,960
What?Yes, you feckin' eejit.

321
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:29,320
I'll marry you!

322
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:30,960
'This was the best
news we'd had in ages.

323
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:34,040
'Now I had a wedding to plan.'

324
00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:37,720
♪ We're starting together

325
00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:41,840
♪ We're taking a chance on what we feel

326
00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:45,120
♪ We're starting together

327
00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:48,680
♪ Because we believe our love is real

328
00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:53,160
♪ We'll promise to have and to hold

329
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:56,640
♪ From this day on until
we're frail and old...

330
00:15:56,680 --> 00:16:00,240
'Flowers, champagne and fairytale
dresses are easy enough to sort out.

331
00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:03,000
'But my mum's ongoing
problem was her hair.

332
00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:05,800
'The only hairdresser in Reading
who didn't make her look tarty

333
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:07,400
'had recently died.

334
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:08,920
'Or she thought she'd died.'

335
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,680
Arggh!

336
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:11,840
Argggh!

337
00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:13,400
THEY BOTH SCREAM

338
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:15,560
THUD!

339
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:20,560
Eh, I fan you with my
People's Friend. Huh?

340
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:23,320
I am a people. This is my friend.

341
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:25,320
Tameka.Is dead.

342
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:28,880
I am her identical cousin, Johoyo.

343
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:31,800
'Tameka's hair salon, Reservoir Bobs,

344
00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:34,880
'had brought a blast of colour
to our dreary high street.

345
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:38,720
'Her passing left a gap in the market
for a comparably crazy crimper -

346
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:40,880
'her identical cousin.'

347
00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:45,680
And this is Johoyo's Hair A Go-Go. Hey!

348
00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:51,200
It is a hairdressing establishment
of the highest reputation.

349
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:53,960
So-o...No. Johoyo.

350
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:56,680
So you're a hairdresser
as well. As well as what?

351
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,600
A police lady? No.

352
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:01,640
I could never squeeze a
truncheon in my clutch bag.

353
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:04,040
Same as your twin.

354
00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:06,840
Johoyo says
ho-ho-ho.

355
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:10,280
I am a brilliant hairdresser.

356
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:13,960
Far better than that
dead bitch cousin of mine.

357
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:17,880
I cut hair off. I cut
it up. I cut it out.

358
00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:18,920
Cut it out!

359
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:21,720
All with the help of my
cutty cutty boom-boom.

360
00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:22,640
Scissors?

361
00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:25,760
You say potato,Isay potato.

362
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:30,400
So, you are going to be
my first customer, huh?

363
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:32,880
Here. My first customer here.

364
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:34,080
Er...

365
00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:36,160
Johoyo says
go-go-go.

366
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,640
Now! Hey.

367
00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:40,840
'If you think the cake looks crap,

368
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,640
'wait till you see my mum's hair.'

369
00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:45,360
You not having a little drink, Ashlene?

370
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:46,880
I don't feel like it.

371
00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:48,600
Oh, that's not like you.

372
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:50,000
I ain't an alkie.

373
00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:53,120
Anyway, she's already taken
six Es and a bag of crap.

374
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,120
Crack. Get it right, Simon.

375
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:58,880
Oh, are you excited
about tomorrow, babes?

376
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:01,920
Yes. Can't wait to be second
pageboy slash petal girl.

377
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:04,920
I was talking to Debbie.Oh.

378
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:08,280
Ican't wait, Hayles. And I'm
really loving my hen night.

379
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,960
Watching girlie movies,
getting completely shit-faced.

380
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,040
'Scuse language.

381
00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:15,200
Please can we watch something
with Bette Midler in it? Please?

382
00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:18,120
I've told you, we're watching
Schindler's List, Sophie's Choice

383
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:19,640
and Judgment at Nuremberg.

384
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:20,800
Nazi, but nice.

385
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:22,440
Where are you going, Dad?

386
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:25,320
Now, a man's stag do should
remain a secret, Ashlene.

387
00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:29,120
Er, just to the Beaver. Sink a
few jars with some of the lads.

388
00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:31,200
Me mum's taking a lot of
mates up the Beaver tonight.

389
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:32,920
Is she?

390
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:35,280
Oh, well. Maybe we'll
find somewhere else, then.

391
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:40,400
She's going to see some band.
Enyata? Enya tribute band.

392
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,840
Oh, bollocks.Really?

393
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,880
Andy, you can't seriously still be
thinking about going up the Beaver.

394
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:49,560
Why not?Why not? Why not?!

395
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:51,200
Turn the clock back 18 years,

396
00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:53,960
you standing me up because of
that talentless new-age nut job.

397
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,920
I'm a different man now.
I can handle me drink.

398
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:57,480
A couple of bars of her mystical music,

399
00:18:57,520 --> 00:19:00,280
you'll be back under her spell
again.Debbie, you're overreacting.

400
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,240
It's not even the same person.

401
00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:03,880
I forbid you to walk out that door.

402
00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:05,320
Yeah, but I'm meeting the lads.

403
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:08,720
Debbie. Get a grip.

404
00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:11,680
What am I gonna do, Hayles?

405
00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:12,920
DOOR CLOSES

406
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,080
We are gonna carry on with
your hen night, darling,

407
00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:16,280
that's what we're gonna do.

408
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:18,840
But this is Enya we're talking about.

409
00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:23,840
WOMAN: Hello, I'm Enyata,
your very own Enya tribute act.

410
00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:26,680
Hold onto your unicorns.

411
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:30,720
I'm gonna sing me first song Orinoco Ho.

412
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:32,960
Enya's skinny.Leave it.

413
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:37,760
♪ In a boat, in a boat,
in a boat upon the ocean

414
00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:39,720
♪ If you're scared, if you're scared

415
00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:41,720
♪ You might pass a nutty motion

416
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:46,400
♪ If it hurts, if it hurts, please
be sure to use some lotion... ♪

417
00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:50,680
'While my father had apparently put
beer goggles on for the Orinoco Ho,

418
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:54,320
'on the other side of town, my
mum was in a more sober mood,

419
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:58,800
'reflecting on a future
abandoned, alone, unloved.'

420
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:05,160
♪ Well, where did you go?

421
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:11,320
♪ When things went wrong, baby?

422
00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:16,000
♪ Who did you run to

423
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:23,000
♪ To find a shoulder
to lay your head upon?

424
00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:29,560
♪ Baby, wasn't I there?

425
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:36,480
♪ And didn't I take good care of you?

426
00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:41,440
♪ Oh, no, I can't
believe you're leaving me

427
00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:46,000
♪ Oh, no, no

428
00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:50,480
♪ Oh, stay with me, baby

429
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:56,720
♪ Stay with me, baby

430
00:20:56,760 --> 00:21:02,600
♪ Stay with me, baby

431
00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:08,320
♪ I can't go on...

432
00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:14,840
You're getting married in the morning?

433
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:17,480
Ding, dong, the bells
are going to chime.

434
00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:20,080
I don't suppose you
fancy a last little fling

435
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,160
with a purty Irish megastar, do you?

436
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,480
Show me where she is and
I might just have a ride.

437
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:27,720
Oh, you're a silver-tongued devil.

438
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:35,880
Give us a kiss.

439
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,400
No, get your hands off!

440
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:38,760
Get off him!

441
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:41,040
What have you got in
that handbag? A brick?

442
00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:42,600
Have you got a problem with that?

443
00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:46,480
Lads, thanks for the
drink and everything.

444
00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:49,120
Everything? Have youse got a line?

445
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:50,760
I'm gaggin'.

446
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,480
I've got a wedding to get to.

447
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:57,040
And this time I'm not
gonna miss it for the world.

448
00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:15,320
Argh! Oh!

449
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:34,240
So what theme did you go for again?

450
00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:37,600
The Sound of Music.
Oh. And who am I again?

451
00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:39,760
Captain Von Trapp. Oh!

452
00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:42,480
Is that...? Shut it, batty bwoy.

453
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,800
Whoo! Whoo, yes.

454
00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:52,800
I'm not too late, am I?

455
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,320
Who invited you?

456
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:57,040
You did, you drunken old eejit.

457
00:22:57,080 --> 00:23:01,400
Now, come on. I want front-row seats.
The groom is a dirty great ride.

458
00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:07,480
'Critics might say I ordered a
tad too much material for the dress

459
00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:09,600
'but, hey, at least I gave my mum

460
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:12,840
'one of the greatest train
journeys in the world.'

461
00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:20,600
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS INSIDE

462
00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:28,080
♪ I got the music in
me I got the music in me

463
00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:31,080
♪ I got the music in me! Whoo... ♪

464
00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:32,920
Thank you, Enyata.

465
00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:34,720
HE SQUEALS

466
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:37,200
And now, ladies and gentlemen,

467
00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:40,320
my son Simon is gonna mark the occasion

468
00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:41,960
with a special wedding dance

469
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:43,680
with his friend Kylie.

470
00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:48,440
Ladies and gentlemen, I
give you Spirit Of The Bride.

471
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:51,480
TANGO MUSIC PLAYS

472
00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:08,320
Genius. He gets his
twinkle toes from me.

473
00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:12,560
Andy, I'm not wearing any pants.

474
00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:18,240
Ashlene, put that out.

475
00:24:18,280 --> 00:24:19,760
Why?

476
00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:21,440
Because I'm your da and I say so.

477
00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:23,480
Shut up.What?

478
00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:25,520
I'm 16, I'm a grown-up.

479
00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:27,120
Are you shite. You're a little girl.

480
00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:29,160
Oh, am I?You're my baby.

481
00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:30,480
Oh, just put it out, Ashlene.

482
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:32,200
If I'm a little girl... Which you are.

483
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:33,560
Then how comes I'm pregnant?

484
00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:35,680
MUSIC STOPS, THEY GASP

485
00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:42,080
Andy, sometimes squeezing
a strange woman's breasts

486
00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:44,880
can be handy at a time like this.

487
00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:47,160
Keep going. Dr Footlights
will see us through.

488
00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:49,040
MUSIC RESUMES

489
00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:50,240
Lucky cow.

490
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:51,920
Whose is it?

491
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:53,480
An unmarried mother?

492
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:56,000
Er, pot, kettle, black.

493
00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:58,440
I was in a loving, committed
relationship when I had you.

494
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:00,360
Debbie, calm down. I'll look after it.

495
00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:01,800
And you're not being much help.

496
00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:06,800
Oh, shut up, Debbie. Just have
a drink and steady your nerves.

497
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:09,440
Look, she's pregnant. There's not
a lot we can do about that now.

498
00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:10,480
We can't exactly...

499
00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:13,280
Resew the hymen after
the horse has bolted...

500
00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:15,400
HE RETCHES...sort of thing.

501
00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:17,120
Are you keeping it?Yeah.

502
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:22,080
Another drink, Hayley. YOU ain't blind.

503
00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:24,000
No, but I'm gonna get
blind bloody drunk.

504
00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:29,280
Hey, is that blind one all right?

505
00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:31,560
She always gets maudlin
when she's on the gin.

506
00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:45,880
'So, the wedding day had
proved to be memorable.

507
00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:48,680
'And it didn't stop there.'

508
00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:51,840
I quite like being a bastard.

509
00:25:51,880 --> 00:25:54,520
It means you get to go to
your own parents' wedding.

510
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:56,320
Freak.

511
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:03,000
I'm a
mother-to-be, Simon.

512
00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:05,960
I'll smoke inside the
house cos if I smoke outside

513
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,480
it might harm the baby.

514
00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:10,040
Do you really not know who the dad is?

515
00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:11,520
Course I know.

516
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:14,400
Only he don't wanna.

517
00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:19,880
I just want you to know
that if it's a girl,

518
00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:22,480
I'm gonna call it Simon.

519
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:24,000
Really?

520
00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:25,600
Piss off!

521
00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:31,080
TOILET FLUSHES

522
00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:40,400
Which clever dick moved my bed, eh?

523
00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:56,880
Jeez, Debbie, you've
put on a bit of weight.

524
00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:01,080
Could have had a little
shave for your wedding night.

525
00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:05,840
That is one hell of a
hairy growler. HE CHUCKLES

526
00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:10,080
THEY BOTH GRUNT

527
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:15,120
SHE SCREAMS

528
00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:17,840
THEY BOTH SCREAM

529
00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:22,760
Rape! Rape!

530
00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:26,560
Andy interfered with me. I
thought it was you, Debbie.

531
00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:29,120
He touched me where I haven't
been touched since Greenham.

532
00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:31,320
She climbed into the bloody bed with me.

533
00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:33,960
You did what? I thought it was you.

534
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:35,600
I couldn't see where I was going.

535
00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:38,480
Oh, right, the minute my back's
turned and look what you do.

536
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:42,000
I am a victim of abuse
here. He's defiled me.

537
00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:44,040
Put a sock in it, Hayley.
I bet you loved it.

538
00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:47,040
You are a poor excuse
for a woman, Debbie.

539
00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:49,120
Yeah, well, at least I'm
not a bed-hopping slut.

540
00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:51,960
Drop dead, Grandma!

541
00:27:58,120 --> 00:28:00,240
SIMON CHOKES Oh, my God.

542
00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:02,320
Oh, my God, Simon's swallowed the groom.

543
00:28:02,360 --> 00:28:05,160
'And that certainly
wouldn't be the last time.'

544
00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:07,240
Heimlich manoeuvre. Heimlich manoeuvre.

545
00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:12,640
QUIET SINGING NEARBY

546
00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:14,160
What's that noise?

547
00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:15,720
Polish washing song.

548
00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:18,760
THUDDING Pole dancing?

549
00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:22,600
Oh, I ain't half missed you, Simon.

550
00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:24,440
How long are you here for?

551
00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:26,960
The world's my oyster.

552
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:28,160
Stay.

553
00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:34,520
♪ Ahh-ahh

554
00:28:34,560 --> 00:28:39,480
♪ Don't let them go Don't let them go

555
00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:43,480
♪ Take a beautiful dream and let it show

556
00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:47,800
♪ Don't let them go Don't let them go

557
00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:49,880
♪ Take a beautiful dream

558
00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:53,160
♪ And let it grow,
grow, grow, grow, grow. ♪