( door opens, closes)
Hey!
Everything okay?
Yeah, deet sheet calls for 500 16 ounce cups.
So I'm just...
So you're counting them?
Ron, they come 100 to a sleeve.
Here, here's 200.
You got 200 there,
You got 100 in your hand, you're all set.
Oh right, Henry?
Yes?
When you have an orgasm, how much stuff comes out?
Of your penis?
Sync by fant0m www.addic7ed.com
(Henry) well, why come to me with this?
I mean why not a doctor,
Or close personal friend...
You've watched porn, right?
I'm not a connoisseur or anything...
I mean, is that normal?
I mean, in bartending terms,
You know, these guys ejaculate like,
A jigger full.
I used to think it was trick photography,
Like some guy off-camera with a super-soaker or something,
But I've studied it,
You know on dvd you can slow it down frame by frame,
And unless it's CGI,
Which I can't imagine that they have the budget for,
That's a lot of ejaculate.
Or is it?
I don't know...
I don't known Ron, I mean I wouldn't sweat it.
I never did.
I mean Sandy Jarrett used to give me handies
In the skateland parking lot
And my stuff would
Hang right off the visor of my cordoba.
Lately I've been dating this girl,
And the last time, afterwards,
She says to me,
"is that all?"
Well maybe she was having an existential crisis.
She says I must jerk off all the time,
Because I am completely depleted.
I mean Henry, can you fill up a thimble?
Because, I have tried, and I cannot.
I can't do it.
Oh God, I don't need to know this information Ron.
Is there something wrong with me?
I think so, yes.
Quite possibly...
(phone ringing)
Kyle, what're...
Hey, oh man it was such a long night last night.
I must've dozed off for a second.
Um, I'm gonna go to the van, if you guys need anything.
You better not be going outside to take that call.
Okay because I made it specifically clear in my e-mail
That we've been dinged for the last time
On the comment cards about cell phone use.
No, I was actually gonna go out
And see if I could find a garden gnome for you to fuck.
Get it? Cuz a gnome'd be like,
"ah Ron, you're drowning me in jizz..."
That's pretty funny.
Hey, Henry, here's a riddle for you...
How many rons would it take to make a bukkake film?
Oh you know what, that's enough.
Both of you, outside okay?
That's it, and that's one for you pal.
(Roman) corn chips, bean dip.
Chili dogs.
Jell-o shots.
Is this a white trash theme party
Or are we in arkansas?
Don't be a snob, Roman.
Don't swim, fish.
I have nothing against simple folk.
This is just need-to-know information.
Am I supposed to enjoy the irony or pity the sincerity.
Well it's making me homesick.
This is what a party back home looked like.
With food people actually enjoy.
You don't think I have to bite my tongue
Every time I carry a tray
With Santa Barbara grilled eel beaks
In a baby pinecone sauce...
All right, listen up people.
Hand over your cell phones.
I tried to be nice,
But it clearly isn't effective management strategy.
So I'll hand them over after the event.
Chop suey, let's go.
Ron you can have my phone when you pry it
From my cold dead fingers.
Yeah Ron, why don't we just have everyone
Promise not to use them so much?
He... okay, as long
As I get everybody's word.
Okay because today could be
A really big day for us.
We could be on national television.
What?
Oh that's awesome.
Explain that.
Uh, this is the home of Cole Landry
And it's draft day,
When all his dreams come true.
Wait, what dude's dream is to get sent to Afghanistan?
Cole Landry?
Holds every pac 10 passing record.
He's a quarterback.
In football.
They get drafted, and then play professionally.
Do any of you even live in America?
Am I the only one here who's ever been in a champs?
Good gravy!
All right, so here's the deal.
Cole's family and his teammates will be here,
Okay, there's going to be a tv film crew providing
"live feed" for the minute he gets picked,
Okay, so...
Let's leave a good impression.
Yes, Kyle.
Oh great, a house full of neck-less mutants.
Uh-oh, high school flashbacks?
Are these the guys who gave you wedgies?
No. Swirlies?
Fuck off. Noogies?
Pantsed?
Fart-faced?
No, I don't fear these morons, I pity them.
I mean in the real world,
The only thing thirty-six inch thighs gets you
Is specially made gym teacher shorts and 30 grand a year-
And really hot chicks-
Uh no, Casey when you're looking to mate,
Are you looking for a giant, bulging idiot
Or someone with some intelligence?
Giant bulging idiot. Boom.
Right so you want a guy that's gonna keel over
And crush you from a heart attack at 50
From eating all this shit.
I do, I wanna be crushed beneath him,
My huge, fat husband.
'course you want that
'cause you're dating a whopping 90 pounder.
Hey.
You are a runty little puppy.
Thanks.
Ow, dammit.
Let me help you with that, sir.
Oh this damn hand.
You should see the table saw though.
Good one.
Okay what you wanna do is line it up-
That's the sexiest thing I've ever seen.
Hey now, don't you go and speak too soon.
Okay, I stand corrected there.
Hi I'm Bill.
I'm Lydia.
Well, oh...
Hey dad!
Which one of these should I wear on tv?
Man, I... Rianna would know.
She's gone, dad.
You need to move on.
We talked about this.
Hey, now!
Who wants to be a millionaire!?
There's my favorite agent!
All right, ce.
Say it loud, and say it proud.
"I wanna play in sunny tampa bay."
Tampa bay!
Yeah, let's do this! Come on.
(sportscaster) but I have to say, there is not a lot of drama
In the fourth pick.
Tampa bay needs a quarterback,
And there's no signal caller higher
On the draft board than Cole Landry.
In Landry, you get not just a starting quarterback,
They get the face of the franchise too.
All right, when Cole is picked, we're cutting in live.
Hey. Hey.
Row of jaeger shots please, barkeep.
So I think I totally get it now.
Finally you get it.
What, what do you get?
Your big apatow movie premiere.
Uh-huh. Coming up.
There're gonna be a lot of heavy hitters there-
Yeah, I'll say.
A who's who of the comedy world,
Uh-huh.
And you're gonna be mingling with them.
I might do a little mingling, sure.
Sure. Okay.
So good, you get it then.
I totally get it.
Well I do not get it, even a little bit.
What are we talking about?
I mean, I get why I'm not your plus-one.
I see.
Uh-huh. I see.
See if I had the opportunity
To really get in there and do some networking,
I probably wouldn't want to bring
With a cautionary tale on my arm either.
Man well, this is a huge relief for me.
Oh good, good.
'cause honestly, I've rehearsed the you-embarrass-me speech
Like a hundred times in my head probably,
But I don't even need to do it, 'cause you get it.
I get it.
That's what makes you such a cool guy.
Thanks. I mean not arm-candy cool obviously,
But fuck buddy cool.
Okay.
Nobody puts baby in a corner.
Yeah, buddy.
I been there.
Been where?
There.
That place where the person you wanna be with
Night and day only wants to be with you
When there's no one else around.
All right yeah, well that's not our situation-
Don't fool yourself, brother.
(groans)
So tampa passes on Cole Landry.
Are you surprised?
(draft expert) I'm shocked.
I mean what do you think is going through
Landry's head right now?
He probably falls to philly at eight
And ten million dollars flies out the window.
Ron. Hey.
Okay so my band got a slot on an industry showcase tonight.
Oh! Yeah.
So is it cool if I just like leave
A little bit early or whatever?
Oh, shoot.
Not chance to get back up.
You should've asked me earlier.
I didn't know earlier.
Oh really?
How'd you find out then?
Carrier pigeon, Ron.
Yeah, yeah a carrier pigeon landed in the back yard.
You know, with the little note on his foot
With all the information.
It was great, can you believe he found me?
Wow, no you were on the phone!
I saw it, so...
Okay, yeah I was on the phone.
Right so sorry, Kyle, only employees
Who follow the rules get rewarded.
What?
You heard me.
What the fuck?
Yeah I put everything into this.
I turned down work so I could coach my son.
And you know what?
Cole's mother never understood it,
She... she wanted a bigger house.
Come on.
She called me a piss-poor provider and walked out.
Oh you poor guy.
Eh.
So Cole's mom, that's Rianna?
No, no, no Rianna is my ex- girlfriend.
Oh.
She was just bad news.
Big spoiled brat.
She was too young and pretty for me, anyway.
Fuck.
Man, Ron is being such a dick, again.
Oh next you're gonna tell me there are bears
Defecating in the woods.
No check this out,
My band just got a last-minute industry slot
At the rainbow room,
And he won't let me leave
Like just a little bit early to make it.
Oh, no! This was the big night
You guys were gonna get your record deal!
Yeah, maybe.
Fuck, do they super-glue this bitch on?
Let me help you with that, little buddy.
It's not easy.
Whoa, looks like he really struggled with that,
Little buddy.
Well I loosened it, you dick.
Hey we all have our talents, right?
I guess.
Yeah, while you were busy
Opening jars and pushing a blocking sled around,
I was reading literature.
Ah, a man of letters!
I'm a bit of a book buff myself.
Who are you into?
Heinlein.
Asimov.
Clarke, you probably haven't heard of them.
Sci-fi man.
No, I love heinlein.
Stranger in a strange land.
What about bradbury?
I'm a little lukewarm on fahrenheit 451,
But martian chronicles, come on?
Are the best!
I haven't gotten to it yet-
I'm busy, I'm really busy though.
Yeah, not really a big asimov guy;
I mean, I'll give him the three laws of robotics but,
He's mid-list.
Which is ironic, because I love the russians.
Dostoevsky.
Gogol.
Checkov-
Oh Roman's super into checkov.
Yeah and sulu-
Moron.
And that's not irony.
Lot of people make that mistake...
You, alanis morissette...
You say "ironic" when you really mean happenstance.
For instance- thanks.
I could really use a lesson on irony.
Perfect, here you go.
Irony is when you say one thing,
But you mean the opposite.
For example-
I could stand here all night and soak up this knowledge.
You interrupted me.
I was in the middle of telling you what irony is.
And then if... oh okay, I gotcha.
What just happened?
Very good.
You must be the only football-playing lit major ever.
No.
I'm pre-med.
You're pre-med?
Yeah.
I don't like the term "stage mom."
Escapade is my teammate.
Yeah people used to yell at me all the time.
"Bill, let the kid have a childhood."
"no five-year-old needs to run tire drills in July."
No seven-year-old needs
To have permanent eye-liner tattooed on, either.
That doesn't mean it's a bad idea.
Exactly, exactly.
Oh hey, time out, come on.
Hey, hey it's philly's pick.
(sportscaster) with the eighth pick,
Philadelphia selects offensive lineman jake kupp
Out of washington.
We turn our attention now to a star of detroit
And for them defense is the name of the game.
Here's how it's really gonna go phil.
Vodka.
He's gonna play you twice a year in division,
He's gonna whip your sorry ass,
And then when they carve your tombstone,
It's gonnna read "here lies the dumbfuck
Who passed on hall-of-fame quarterback Cole Landry..."
Could you please tell my wife if she loved me,
She wouldn't call me on this day.
He's gonna pop out your eyeball and skull fuck you, phil.
How about that?
No, no sweetie, get your daddy on the phone, no...
Excuse me, sorry.
A hamster bit one of your kids
And your wife wants to know if she should
Bring him to the hospital.
Which one?
Which one, he wants...
Fuddrucker.
Jesus fuck...which kid?
Hold on.
Honey, I love you but fuck you for calling on draft day.
Hi.
Refill?
Why the fuck not?
All right, here's something I don't get.
You are like this big college football player, right?
So what girl wouldn't want to be seen with you?
How would your parents react
If they found out you were sport fucking a large black man?
They'd say it explains a lot.
Look all I am is some sort of sexual carnival ride,
You know?
So, you and your lady...
I saw how she's icing you out.
Do you love her?
The... what?
Hey buddy.
You gotta moment?
Ah, yes of course.
What can help you with?
Um actually, I just started residency,
Wonderful.
And I was talking to your friend over there
About your health concerns,
And it reminded me of this patient-
Wait a minute.
What friend?
Oh uh, that guy.
Oh, Henry.
So he told you about the amount of my...
Ejaculate.
Yes. Yes.
And it reminded me of this patient who came in,
And said that he was producing limited reproductive material.
We brought him in the office,
Took down his pants for an exam,
And he had testicles the size of christmas hams.
Christmas hams?
My concern is you're presenting acute bacterial prostatitis:
It's an infection of the prostate
That causes inflammation
And can lead to cystitis,
And in some instances, prostate cancer.
Ball cancer.
Prostate cancer.
Right, which is the medical term for balls?
Like in latin?
Different gland entirely.
But what I suggestou do is when you go home,
Have a good night's rest,
Shave your testicular area,
Call your physician first thing
And tell him that you urgently
Need your balls pulled and palpated.
Pulled and palpated-
I don't know what that means.
It's technical procedure, he'll know.
But go.
'cause my concern is that this could lead to something
Deadly serious.
Thank you.
No problem.
Oh um, I'm sorry, sorry.
When you said your patient produced
"limited reproductive material."
So, how much is limited?
Ball park?
So the big mystery of the day
Is why Cole Landry continues to slide.
I've just spoken to someone high up
In one of the organizations that passed on Landry,
And they have confirmed that this is the reason
They chose not to draft him.
What we're hearing is that many organizations
Have become convinced that Cole Landry is gay.
That's fucking bullshit!
Oh my God, what the fuck kind of reporting is this?
My source tells me that if it was any other position,
They wouldn't care.
But we're talking about the face of the franchise.
Fucking shit.
You know me.
I get so much pussy, it's not even funny.
Not even a joke.
You're the king of pussy, I know okay!
This is fucking rosenhaus okay?
He wanted his kid to be the first qb drafted
You know what,
That gel-haired scum-fucker is fucking us.
Maybe we should've gone with rosenhaus, Cole.
We're family.
Ask the booster girls how gay I am.
Hey, hey gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen!
Hey time out!
Pull yourselves together!
Cole, you're a quarterback.
Show some poise.
Now you listen to me.
Every round we're losing a half million dollars.
So let's stop talking about how much pussy we're getting
Of course you're getting a lot of pus,
Let's get our shit together and come up with a plan!
Well, the celebration has officially turned into a wake.
Hey, so how come you're not taking your boy here
To your big movie premiere?
Cuz he ain't pretty enough?
Cuz he ain't tall?
Cuz he's workin' some shit job, is that it?
Wow, that is an impressive list of reasons.
He has feelings for you, girl.
Deep feelings.
Maybe he's not sure it's love,
But his shit runs deep.
Uh well Jerome, Casey.
Casey, Jerome.
Is that true Henry?
Does your shit run deep?
Well isn't it enough to know that my shit runs at all?
Well Jerome, I am not taking Henry to my premiere
Because I'm taking my mother.
But you don't even like your mother.
I know that I don't like my mother,
But she always refers to my career
As "that little thing that you do"
So this is like my only chance
To rub her nose in whatever tiny bit of success I have.
So why you not taking Henry to your comedy shows?
Oh jesus dude.
Wow, that was...
Okay uh, I don't take Henry to my comedy shows
Because I do a skit where I get kind of friendly
With another guy, and Henry gets kinda jealous sometimes.
Well come on, I mean, I know the difference between
Stage kissing and real life.
I mean I was an actor.
Actually I play an animatronic love doll
And the audience has to like shout out suggestions
For my quadriplegic inventor to order me to do.
Well...
You all right?
You look a little bothered by that.
Not at all.
I mean maybe by the logic I'm bothered.
I mean, how did he build you?
I mean obviously not your inventor
'cause he's quadriplegic
And don't say by another robot
'cause that's ridiculous.
Yeah, not bothered at all.
See, he's fine with it.
I am... I mean I get it, 'cause it's a job
So I understand.
Casey, Casey, exciting opportunity.
They're just about to cut to a live feed
From right here in this living room in like ten minutes.
Now, with that information,
And knowing how much the camera loves you,
How would you feel about snuggling up
To cwle Landry and pretending
That you're his girlfriend?
I would feel like an idiot, probably.
Would you feel like an idiot for 500 schmackers.
Oh, well then I would feel like a whore.
Hey, language Casey.
You're a girl.
Now listen to me, Cole Landry is losing
Half million dollars
With every pick of the draft
And all because of some horrible rumor.
Could you find it in your heart to help this kid out?
So that's a job.
That's income. Yes.
Henry, how would you feel about that?
If I get paid? Yeah, that's great.
Great? Yeah, terrific.
Awesome. Hey let's get you into a push up bra.
Okay. Come on.
That's great?
Come on man, grow some balls please.
Jesus, you light a match?
Oh, oh!
This could be good.
Oh God, who used to live here?
Tanya tucker?
Tanya tucker, I wish.
No, Bill's ex Rianna.
Casey, you've got such a darling little figure.
Why don't you show it off?
I do show it off,
I wear pasties and tassels like all the time
When I'm not at work.
He look, I found it.
This is the winner!
Are you crazy?
Think of it as an acting assignment.
You're playing a bimbo.
Oh, cha cha!
Yeah, bimbo with a heart of gold.
Dating the captain of the football team.
Okay, why are you doing this?
Seriously, do you have a thing for the kid's dad?
It's pretty obvious.
Oh Casey, I think the dad might have a thing for me.
Uh-huh.
And you know, the rest of it will take care of itself.
You tell me to express myself and demand respect,
When right here man, with me watching you,
You just roll over when your woman-
Well, look at her...
Oh my God, you're right.
I am a pussy-
No, no, no, no you're cut off.
I mean whenever anybody has success
They always have something to say...
Excuse me.
Can I talk to you for one second?
Yeah excuse me, what can I do for you buddy?
I was hoping maybe you could take a look at this.
What exactly am I looking at here?
(sportscaster) you've heard the rumors, what is it you wanna say?
I don't know who laughed harder
When I heard people thought I was gay,
Me or my girlfriend, Casey.
Me, oh my God, I get so mad at this guy,
Because every time a pretty girl walks by, he's like-
And just looks at her.
All the time, I'm like what the f?
Cody, you horn dog, I'm right here.
I'm sorry, who's cody?
(ziggy) is this your sperm in my hand?
It's just a nickname.
(ziggy) did you just jack off?
She thinks I throw like cody carlson.
Yeah, he does.
You do. I do.
Warren moon's backup with the oilers in the 90s?
Yeah. Yeah, that's the guy I throw like, for sure.
Yeah, look at the tape.
She's quite a student of the game.
Yeah.
(ziggy) I don't care!
You just put your jizz in my hand bro!
Something going on there?
Ah well, it's a party.
You know, parties get rowdy-
Yeah, party!
(ziggy) it's fuckin' jizz, is why!
Cole, I'm wondering if you can comment
On this photo that's been circulating.
It's now posted on deadspin.
It appears to show you outside a west hollywood club called
The manhole.
(Jerome) who's that, Cole?
Who.
The fuck.
Is that!?
That's the last straw, motherfucker.
This camel's back is officially broken.
What am I to you anyway, your plaything?
A piece of tissue you can just use up
And throw away?
Well fuck that!
Nobody puts baby in a corner!
Jerome baby...
No, no, no, no, you're my chocolate drop!
(Rianna) Billy?
Rianna?
I came as soon as I heard the news.
Oh, it's bad, it's really bad.
We're not entirely sure what's happening here.
Yo, bitch.
Get the fuck out of my clothes-
You can't say fuck on tv.
(newscaster) well the first round has certainly given us
A day of surprises,
(draft expert) some dreams have come true today.
Some have crashed and burned.
Hey um, I'm sorry to put you through that.
No, listen man.
I wasn't the one who just lost millions of dollars
And my boyfriend,
And got outted on national tv, so...
It's all good, really.
Guess that was the easiest
Thousand bucks you ever made, huh?
Uh, a thousand dollars?
Cole, Cole!
I got fucking san francisco here!
They're about to pick you
With the final pick of the first round bro!
And I got the world's largest ad agency.
How'd you like to be the new face
Of fucking abercrombie and fitch?
You serious?
Yeah!
I'm gonna get so much ass!
So you had your fun, huh?
Little bit of a laugh at good ol' Ron's expense.
I have no idea what good ol' Ron's talking about.
You told that doctor about my problem.
My wad problem.
You're what problem?
Ron I assure you,
I spoke to no one about your wad.
Why would I talk to anyone about your wad?
Kyle!
I'm going to kill him.
Where is he?
I sent him home early.
His band had a gig.
Henry, what the fuck?
Who's in charge here?
Yeah, who is in charge here?
'cause I'm trying to figure out if an employee jerking off
And handing out semen samples
Falls under "needs work" or "completely unsatisfactory."
Is there any way I can convince you
He was "going the extra mile?"
This is Cole's house,
Why does he have the comment card?
'cause Cole is currently busier than I.
Don't you mean me?
Cole is busier than me.
Or was an away game the week
Subject-verb agreement was taught.
Roman.
Pretty sure it's I.
Maybe that was the week of ComiCon.
Irony, I was being ironic!
Henry. What?
I thought I had testicular cancer.
Oh, Jesus Christ!
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