Aliens in America - 1x02 - No Man Is an Island
???splurged
and had an automatic sprinkler system installed in our yard.
And since then, our grass has pretty much been green.
My mom thinks it's the best thing
that ever happened to our house,
but my dad would argue our new exchange student Raja
is a close second. Bacon, Raja?
My religion forbids it.
As for me, Love this kid.
there was someone I could finally talk to
and get a little wild with. One, two, three, four,
I declare a thumb war.
I accept your challenge and...
Oh, you have won.
It's just that I'm getting really popular now,
and I just want to make sure whoever I'm with
drives that popularity.
Mm. Does that sound stupid?
Not at all, honey. Yeah.
So, I think I'm going to do it.
I think I'm going to dump Jeffrey.
Oh, my God-- our first breakup. (laughs)
Well, yours.
But I'm-I'm just...
You're just... growing up so fast.
I think I'm just going to text him that it's over.
Clean. Yeah.
I don't know-- do we pay extra for texting?
"It's not you; it's me."
And I can add one of those little sad faces.
She is a natural.
CLAIRE: And send.
Good morning, everyone.
Jeffrey!
Is here.
Good morning.
Hey, I thought I'd swing by and take you to school.
Ooh! Incoming.
Gar?
Oh, you probably want to read that
in the driveway. (chuckles): Yeah.
I felt bad for Jeffrey.
It sucks being rejected, but, hey, better him than me.
With Raja by my side, I had a new sense of confidence.
It was great to finally have a flagpole to run things up.
Any bats in the cave?
This may seem unnecessary, but over the years,
some weird stuff has found its way into my nose.
Good to go, Justin.
She is as clean as a whistle.
Boy, it was great having a wingman.
So... what do we think
of Daniel Defoe's Robinson Crusoe?
Has... anyone read it?
It was on the summer reading list.
Has...
anyone read the summer reading list?
(sighs): All right.
Let's think about this in a whole new way.
You have a chance to start civilization over again.
What would you bring with you on a desert island?
Yes?
A machine that makes everything?
(scattered chuckles) Yeah, right.
Anyone else?
Robinson Caruso by Willem Dafoe?
Duh. It's... Daniel Defoe.
Come on, people, let's think.
You can only bring one item.
What would it be and why?
What is the one thing you can't live without?
Raja from Pakistan?
If I could only bring one thing with me to a desert island,
it would be Justin Tolchuck.
Did he just say...
He is my best friend,
and his friendship is the one thing
that I cannot live without.
(fake cough): Homosexual!
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What was that in there?
What do you mean? The whole thing
about taking me to a desert island.
I mean, do you... do you know how that sounds?
Yes, it sounds like we are good friends
who would enjoy spending time together on a desert island. No, Raja,
people are going to think that we're gay.
Justin, I think people will take my remark
in the spirit in which it is intended.
KURT: Hey, Tolchuck-- I'm Justin,
I'm gay, I'm really gay.
Oh, I hope they never find us!
That is not how I intended it.
JUSTIN: It was starting to occur to me
that there were a lot of things Raja didn't get.
Justin.
Have you met my new friend Paul?
What?
Paul McCardle, known as "Small Paul,"
was an 11-year-old genius
and the biggest freak at Medora.
He was a mouth breather, a Jedi,
and the only kid to volunteer
to read the daily lunch specials.
Salisbury steak, mixed green salad and black forest cake.
Justin, I'm having a sleepover.
My mom said I could invite anyone.
Do you want to come?
Probably going to have pizza bagels.
It's not for sure.
We should go.
Smile for the yearbook. Say "cheeseburger"!
Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Aw, classic.
Why can we not go to the sleepover?
You love pizza bagels.
That's not the point.
Nobody... hangs out with Small Paul.
But he's a genius,
and one day will achieve great things.
We don't think that far ahead!
What Raja didn't realize
was that his behavior was making me
the one thing I really didn't want to be...
...a target. Okay, we're out already, we're out!
The day was a total disaster.
At this point, all I could do was keep my head down
and pray for the best. Justin.
BOY: What the...?
Hey.
(groans): Hey...!
(quietly): You're naked!
I wanted to talk.
I cannot help but feel that you are mad at me.
Uh, you know what, can we... can we just talk about this later?
I think it is best for us
to air these things out as soon as they come up.
I guess in Raja's culture,
men are more comfortable with their bodies,
but in American high school locker rooms,
this kind of behavior can only mean...
BOY: They're going to bone!
We're not going to bone.
We are not homosexuals.
If we were, would Justin pretend that his pillow
was Amy Greenblatt?
And French-kiss with it
each and every night, groping and grinding.
Does that sound like the behavior of a gay man, huh?
How could one naked Pakistani boy do so much damage?
I didn't think it could happen, but things had gone from bad...
♪♪
♪♪♪
I could think of one person who might have had it worse.
Jeffrey?
You okay?
Jeffre
How long's he been out there?
All afternoon.
It's a little much, I think.
Go on, now, shoo, shoo.
Well, don't worry, the sprinklers
are going to go on soon-- that'll move him.
God, he looks so sad.
It's kind of depressing.
Yeah. I forgot how dramatic high school boys are.
It's going to be quite a year. Mm.
He's not moving.
Hm. Great.
Now we're going to have a big yellow spot on the lawn.
Sometimes, when things get really bad,
it blurs your ability to make good choices,
and then you end up doing something stupid...
and desperate.
I hate myself for being so weak.
So, word on the street is, you and Raja plan to marry
and raise Small Paul together.
That's kind of why I'm here.
So, you're here because...?
Because I need your help.
And you need my help because...?
Because...
you're smarter and better and tanner than me.
(sighs): Say my name.
Oh, come on, Claire!
Say it.
Without the "come on" part, if you want me to help.
Claire.
You got that right, buddy.
Okay, if you want to avoid being embarrassed by Raja,
you should just do what I do to avoid being embarrassed by you.
What does that mean? It means
don't walk with him, don't talk to him,
don't be seen anywhere near him,
deny any and all affiliation.
I don't know, that seems a little... rough.
He won't even know.
That's what I do with you.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
Think about it, Justin.
When's the last time you saw me anywhere near you at school?
Exactly.
And we have Spanish together.
We do? Yeah.
And yesterday, someone found out we had the same last name,
so I told them we adopted you from a retarded family.
Wow. The whole family had to be retarded.
You can't be too careful.
Hey, Steph. (exhales)
Yeah, he's been moping on my front lawn all day.
Hey.
We're done here.
No,
I was talking to my brother.
If I talk slowly, he can understand me.
Claire had broken it down-- if I distance myself from Raja,
I could salvage what little social status I had.
My dad, however,
wafinding Jeffrey impossible to ignore.
(sighs): Come on in, son.
You hungry? No.
Thirsty? No.
Well, let at least get you a towel so you can dry off.
I don't want to dry off, Mr. T.
Since Claire dumped me, I don't want to do anything.
All I want to do is sit on your lawn.
Well, mission accomplished on that front, Jeffrey.
You could feel good about that.
It's like I can't picture myself without her.
I just wish there was something I could do to change her mind.
Well, you can't play it cool-- that ship has sailed.
Did anything like this ever happen between you aen
Well, come to think of it, we did break up briefly
right before we got married. Really?
How did you convince her to come back?
I'm pregnant?
Ah, crap!
(wailing): Ah, crap! Ah, crap!
My life is over! (sobbing): Crap...
I... can't remember.
Look, Jeffrey...
...if you want the girl,
you're going to have to go get her, okay?
Life is like the movies.
If you want something,
you're going to have to pursue it with gusto.
I like the movies.
Especially ones with The Rock.
The Rock is charismatic, no doubt,
but I'm thinking of something with a little more romance.
Oh, okay, okay. I get it.
So I have to win her back.
There you go. Thanks, Mr. T.
You're welcome, Jeffrey.
And being that I was never on The A-Team,
please call me Gary.
The next day at school I took Claire's advice
and ignored Raja in the hallway.
RAJA: Justin? (desperately):
Justin? Claire.
But he was more persistent than I expected.
PAUL: Raja. Claire.
It was a dance of desperation. Raja.
An ode to Medora's social hierarchy. Justin.
Justin!
Hey.
What are you doing, huh?
Why are you ignoring me?
What? (snorts): I'm...
I'm not ignoring you.
No, I mean...
I guess I didn't hear you coming.
I do not think that you are being honest with me.
Wha...? No.
No, it's just that I, uh...
I feel like I've been kind of hogging you,
you know?
Because you've been- you've been getting...
a lot of attention around here lately,
hanging out with Paul, and...
uh, I heard that kid with the baby arm
was asking about you.
Barry.
Yeah, Barry.
But, I, uh... I just think that we should maybe
spend a little less time together at-at school,
so we don't spoil all the fun... at home.
You...
Okay.
Ouch.
??? I felt Raja's absence.
But things were back to normal.
No one was making fun of me or calling me names.
And a cute girl even tapped me on the shoulder to say...
Can you pass this note to Bekka?
See? I was part of the system.
A link in the chain.
Passing notes to Bekka-- hell, yeah.
It felt great.
MIKE: Hey, loser.
PAUL: Hey! What is this, a dorkus convention?
Hey, stop it.
I'm serious, give it back.
What do you got in here, your dorkus papers?
Someone's giving
a big dorkus speech.
You two are just embarrassing yourselves.
I felt horrible.
But this is exactly what I warned him about.
Hey! You two, that is enough.
Come on, man, what did we say about bringing the briefcase?
No one likes the briefcase at school.
Don't bring the briefcase to school.
I was glad to be flying beneath the radar,
when suddenly the strangest thing happened.
I fell asleep during last period-- Drivers Ed.
Ironically during a film
about not falling asleep at the wheel.
I woke up five hours later,
all alone.
Eighth period ended.
Hello?
The school had emptied out,
Hello? and no one came to find me.
Anybody here?
Hello? Hello?
There were 30 kids in that class.
There are 900 kids in my school,
and no one knew I was missing?
No one cared?
I may have hated being picked on,
but I hadn't been alone.
(panting): It's okay. It's okay, I'm...
I'm...
I'm okay.
Hey, Just, what are you doing home? What?
What are you talking about? I was supposed...
I was supposed to be home, like, five hours ago.
We just assumed you were with Raja.
FRANNY: Yeah, he called this afternoon
to say you was sleeping over at Tiny Paul's house.
But, wait, did you even ask...? (tapping)
It's Jeffrey.
Is this all really necessary?
Excuse me, I have to take this.
You're not doing him any favors, hon.
Claire and I have moved on.
Jeffrey, where we at?
Are you Small Paul's mom?
I'm Paul's mother, yes.
Right, I'm sorry.
Please come in.
Are you here for the sleepover?
I'm really just here to talk to Raja for a second.
All right.
Raja.
Raja, um...
Hello.
Listen, the craziest thing happened to me today.
I, uh... I fell asleep in eighth period.
And I literally just woke up,
like, an hour ago.
And I realized that I was locked in...
Is... is that "RM" for you?
Raja Musharaff?
It is called a party favor.
Yeah... no, that's pretty...
It's cool.
Anyway, I just realized that I was alone,
and, uh... I don't really want to be alone,
and so I, uh...
Justin, I was alone today, too.
Raja.
Mm-hmm.
Paul's finished with his bath,
so we're ready to watch the movie.
Hmm.
I have to go.
My reunion with Raja didn't go quite as well
as Jeffrey's reunion with Claire.
Like any good high school student,
Jeffrey didn't really research the assignment.
He copied it.
This was my idea.
I just thought of it.
On my own.
I'm coming down.
Hear that?
She's coming down.
Claire was swept away by his grand gesture.
I guess she had never seen Say Anything.
You complete me, Claire.
Oh, my God.
That's so sweet.
Or Jerry Maguire.
But regardless, Cameron Crowe taught me something
very valuable that night-- to win someone back,
you can't be afraid to put yourself out there.
So I did something that nobody but Small Paul
had ever dared.
Hi. I'm Justin Tolchuck. (groaning)
Before I read today's lunch menu, Shh, quiet, quiet.
I have something I'd like to say.
Raja, the other day you said that
if you could only take one thing on a deserted island
you would take me.
And I said that was uncool.
Well, I was wrong.
Because the last couple days
I've felt like a deserted island.
And I just wanted you to know that if I was a deserted island,
and I could onlyave one thing on me, it would be you.
That's not... that's not the way, um...
That's n... that's not the way I meant it,
but I... it's...
Today's lunch--
fish on a bun, three-bean medley, twice-baked potato.
You forgot dessert. You forgot dessert.
What is this, amateur hour?
I took a lot of crap for my grand gesture,
but it didn't bother me anymore
now that I had my wingman back.
(kissing noises) And I started a new trend.
Kids started using the school TV station
to say all kinds of things.
GIRL: Okay, so, before I read the lunch specials,
I just want to set the record straight about something.
Justine, you are a skanky little backstabbing ho-bag.
And I know everything that happened between you and Ethan.
And I will never...
ever forgive you.
Hard tacos, peas, carrots, tapioca.
Smile for the yearbook.
And even though yearbook photos are a little retarded,
this time I didn't mind.
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