Ah, Summer vacation.
Weekends at the lake...
... driving cross-country in a Winnebago...
... Disneyland.
Yeah, well, all that costs money. This is how our summer went.
I'm bored.
We're bored.
Kids, it's summer. Get up off the couch and go outside and play.
Yeah. Nice.
Okay, everybody get inside and watch TV.
But finally you hit the most glorious day of summer:
the last one, when the kids go back to school...
... and you finally get some order back in your life.
We cannot be late for the first day of school! Let's go!
Where is Axl? Brick, go get your brother up.
- Axl, get up! - Did you brush your teeth?
Sorry. I'm out of the habit from summer.
- Rinse and spit. - Where are my school supplies?
- Where are the supplies? - You were gonna steal some from work.
- I've taken too much. Ehlert's onto me. - This isn't a good way to start...
...my first year on cross-country. - We got a bowling pencil.
And a paperclip. That's all you need.
Oh, Brick. You left a sandwich in here from last year? That's disgusting.
And you got an A on your "I Love Winter" paper. Good job.
God, when did I even make egg salad? Oh, it's not egg salad. Ooh, oh, oh.
- You have to sign these forms. - What forms?
Sign them or I won't get my cross-country sweatshirt.
If I don't have my sweatshirt, no one will know I'm on cross-country.
You want people to know you're on a loser sport like cross-country?
It sucks.
Oh, shut up, Axl. Did you hear what Axl sneezed about cross-country?
- We don't say "shut up." - Mom said "shut up" yesterday.
We don't tattle either. Good enough.
There's the bus. Strap it on and go.
- It's still wet. - There's school today?
When was I supposed to find out about this? Nice parenting, Mom.
- Everybody on the bus. Here we go. - Hurry up. Everybody out.
Come on. Come on.
- Have a great day. We'll miss you. - Stay late if you have to.
We missed the bus.
How many days until summer?
Well, the school year was off to an awesome start.
The kids were late for class and I was late for work.
Luckily, I had Bob to cover for me.
- Bob. Where the hell's Frances? - I don't know. I don't know.
Oh, Frankie. Sorry. I let you down.
Punish me, Mr. Ehlert. Whatever you're gonna do to her, do to me.
Unless you were making her work the weekend of the Persimmon Festival.
- I'm manning a booth. - You've never manned anything.
I'm sorry, Mr. Ehlert. Today is the kids' first day of school.
We're not back to our routine yet.
- Pete, what are your kids doing now? - I have no idea, sir.
You see? Now, that's a salesman.
We should be ashamed of ourselves, Mike. Ashamed.
Every year, we say we're gonna get better, and we never are.
There's no reason we can't be those other people.
- What other people? - The good people.
The ones who aren't late for work...
...who don't send their son to school with nail scissors...
...and call it "school supplies."
No. You know what? It's a new day.
We're making a change. Starting now, we are getting out in front of it.
You get in front of it. I'll get under it.
Night, honey.
I am sensing that you're not nearly as ashamed as you should be.
Hmm.
I'm serious. If this was Supernanny and we saw this morning...
...on hidden home camera, Jo would crucify us.
I swear to God, I will pull that cable out of the wall.
Okay. Fine.
You stay the same, and I will grow into a better person alone.
You sleep.
I will fill out three children's worth of school forms by myself.
Fine. Ahem, you want help filling out the forms, I will help you fill out the forms.
- Thank you. - Hmm?
What's the pediatrician's name again?
Doctor?
- Larimer. - Larimer. Sure.
- And Sue's middle name would be? - You know her middle name.
- "Sue." Remember? - Oh.
They wrote it down twice on her birth certificate.
We keep saying we're gonna go down and change it, and we never do.
They want three "in case of emergency" people?
Yep.
Seems excessive. We'll give them one.
This was your plan all along, wasn't it?
Maybe. Night, honey.
Okay.
You just get your sleep because tomorrow's a new leaf, baby.
New leaf.
Sue Sue Heck.
Yeah, we really probably should've made the time to change that.
I smell cooking.
- Is Grandma here? - No, Grandma's not here.
I'm making us breakfast so we can start our day off right.
Yep. We're getting out in front of it. That's what we're doing, honey, right?
I smell bacon. Grandma?
Other people can cook food besides Grandma, you know.
Unh, there's a weird noise coming out of my clock.
Relax. I set your alarm last night...
...so you'd have time to get ready for school without being rushed.
- Grandma? - Grandma is not here.
I'm here. Now I want you all to sit down and listen up.
We're getting up on time. We're having a healthy breakfast.
We'll start the day organized and armed for success.
Clearly these are not our parents.
If you can make that case, I'm onboard. Sit.
So in order not to have a repeat of yesterday...
...I have borrowed this chart from work.
Now, for the purposes of this exercise, Brick, you'll be Mr. Ehlert...
...Axl, you be Pete...
...Sue's Lou, I'm me, and, Mike, you can be Bob.
- Do I have to be Bob? - Yes. Okay.
Lou, today you have cross-country practice...
...so I have for you your signed forms...
...and a check for your new cross-country sweatshirt.
Pete, you have the food drive. Here's your canned corn.
Please put it in the bin and don't use it for fake vomit.
Now, most exciting of all, Brick... I mean, Mr. Ehlert.
- I have for you a brand-new backpack.
But I don't want a new backpack.
- I love my old backpack. - I know you loved your old backpack.
But that thing practically walked to the garbage itself.
But it was my friend.
- Who am I supposed to eat lunch with? - I don't know. A person?
Okay, so my family was a little slow to make change.
But I was getting ahead of it. I was baking brownies.
By the end of the day, I was already seeing results.
- Thank you. Thank you so much. - Oh.
Ha, ha, you look great. And so athletic.
I'm the only one who has one because my awesome mom sent in a check.
Other moms just don't get it. I feel sorry for their kids.
Well, thank you for the worst day ever. You've screwed up my body clock.
I had to drag myself through gym. I dozed off and sleep-farted in science.
- Ooh, brownies. - Those aren't for now.
Those are for all the bake sales this year.
When are you gonna give up on this sicko experiment?
This isn't like the juicer. We're following through.
Well, the new backpack and I are not getting along.
- At all. - What happened?
Why was your backpack even on your head?
I was seeing if it had the same echo as my old one. It doesn't.
- We have to go talk to Brick's teacher. - Oh, no.
- When did we get the call? - We didn't.
He was already weird today. It's just a matter of time.
So let's get ahead of it...
...and call the meeting before the teacher calls us.
Why? Why do we gotta go looking for trouble?
- I'm pretty sure it knows our address. - Listen, I know what I'm doing here.
I got a freezer full of brownies and Sue called me awesome.
There's brownies?
Trust me, if we make the call, then we're in control...
...and we're the ones calling the shots.
We thought we could offer some insights into our son...
...that might make the year go more smoothly.
So you're here on the third day of school...
...to try to get your child some special attention.
Well, no, not special attention.
But, you see, he is, heh, you know, a little special.
Let me tell you something, Mommy.
Every parent thinks their child is special.
They can't all be. That's impossible.
I mean, some children are just average.
- We know. That's our other two kids. - But, see, Brick is quirky special.
- Special needs? - No, not that special.
Well, then he's normal. So, what are you doing here, dear?
On my lunch hour.
Well, uh, we were just trying to get out on top of it, and, um...
You see, Brick whispers, heh.
There is such a thing as over-parenting, Mommy.
That's not us. No. If anything, we under-parent, heh.
- We phone it in. Right, Daddy? - I don't know what we're doing here.
Are we trying to convince her that Brick is weird?
I know that it's easy for some mothers to latch on to their sons too tightly.
Maybe you're trying to get from him...
...what's missing in your relationship with your husband.
- Hey. - Let me tell you something.
You add an S to "mother," you know what you get?
"Smother." And no child benefits by being raised by a smother.
I am not. I'm not a smother. I'm a lazy parent with a weird kid.
- Tell her. Tell her how pathetic we are. - All right. Okay.
I'm pulling the rip cord on this thing.
- Grab your purse. - Ugh.
- Okay, so the meeting with - Brick's teacher was a little rough...
... but it wasn't about me. It was about helping Brick.
Brick? Brick Heck, right?
Uh-huh.
I'm moving you up close where I can keep an eye on you.
They want you to have special attention, heh?
I'll give you special attention.
- Hey, you're already up. - That's right. Up since 5.
Hope you're happy. I'm a morning person now.
It was one day, Axl. I got you up on time one day.
Well, it's very dangerous to play around with a teenager's sleep cycle.
Probably messed up my development.
I probably won't be able to have babies, or something.
- That might not be such a bad thing. - Good morning.
Oh, my God. You're wearing that again?
It's supposed to be 80 degrees all week. How do I know that?
There's nothing else on at 5 except the Hoosier Farm Report.
For your information, Axl, I have the Fall Athletic Pep Rally tomorrow.
Which I'm a part of, heh. And am promoting today.
Speaking of which, I made buttons for all of you.
Wow. "Proud parent of a cross-country star."
That's a lot of glitter. I'll put mine on in the car.
- And one for you. - Hey, where's Brick?
Great. I get one kid up, and the other one's sleeping in.
- Sue, go get your brother up. - Brick, get up!
What are you, your brother now? Why aren't you ready for school?
I'm taking a personal day.
Personal day.
Come on. You love school. Get up.
Please don't make me go. I don't like my new teacher.
- Why not? - Everything was going great...
...but then, all of a sudden, she drags my desk to the front of the class.
I like sitting in the back.
I read my book, and I sip my juice box. I'm back by the sharpener.
It's all good.
Maybe Mrs. Rinsky's taken a special interest in you.
Doesn't that make you feel well cared for and understood...
...and, you know, loved?
No. I feel like she's watching me all the time.
And she won't let me whisper to myself.
Whisper to myself.
I hate school.
I swear, heh, this is so not me.
I mean, for you to see me at school twice in one week?
I'm usually here twice the whole year. If that. Ha, ha.
I got the gals waiting for me at Beefsteak Charlie's.
Why don't we cut to the chase?
If you could please just forget everything I said at our last meeting...
- Done. ...and treat him...
...the way you would've treated him had I not come in...
...and move his desk back...
...I know that would make Brick so happy.
- So now the kid's calling the shots? - No. I'm completely calling the shots.
And you, well, you're the main shot-caller.
Let me tell you something. You take the M off of "mom"...
...and you replace it with G-L, you know what you got?
I'll tell you what you got. "Glom."
Want me to conjugate it for you?
To glom. She gloms. She's a glommy mommy.
I am not a glommy mommy.
Brick has never not wanted to go to school before.
I will not let you step one foot out of this room...
...until you promise to pay no attention to anything I've said.
Fine. But I don't wanna see you anymore.
You don't volunteer for the field trip. You don't show up for the science fair.
The annual Mother's Day pancake breakfast?
Maybe you're not so hungry that day. Got it?
Damn. I really liked that pancake breakfast.
Hey. Oh, do you know where the corncob holders are?
What are you doing? It's 2 in the morning.
Tell that to my stomach. All it knows is it's awake and it's hungry.
You guys are like, "Wake up early. We'll be better people."
And my alarm is all:
And Mom is all:
Why do we have to listen to what she says?
Why don't you just man up and say no?
You know nothing about being a man.
Being a man is being smart.
I know that, in May, I wanna go to the Indy 500.
It is expensive. She won't want me to go.
But she will remember that I supported her plan...
...and if she does not, I will remind her.
I will be going to the Indy 500 with no pushback.
And that, my son, is being a man.
Hmm?
Mr. Rasmussen, is it a problem that I have to leave sixth period early...
...because I'm a part of the Fall Athletic Pep Rally?
- Since this is first period, no. - Okay, heh. Just checking.
Do you wanna take off your sweatshirt? You look a little flushed.
Oh, my cross-country sweatshirt? No, heh, I'm fine.
I need to wear it to the Fall Athletic Pep Rally.
- Which I'm a part of. - Okay.
So on Page 24...
Mr. Rasmussen, do you need me to give you my schedule...
...so you can schedule tests around my cross-country meets?
- No. - Oh, okay.
Phew!
- Hey, Brick. How was school? - Okay.
Did Ms. Rinsky happen to move your desk back?
Are you worried about me?
Well, I'm a mom. All moms worry about their kids.
Ms. Rinsky said my "mommy" came to see her...
...and you were worried about me.
Okay, we had a deal.
She was not supposed to say anything to you.
Oh, my gosh. If you're worried, maybe I should be worried.
- No. Brick... - Should I be worried?
Is there something wrong with me?
Ow, ow, ow!
I guess this year just seems harder than usual.
You know, the new backpack and everything.
My old backpack always had my back. It's hard to go through it all alone.
I ruined Brick.
I took my happiest kid and made him miserable.
I had to get that backpack back.
Oh.
Axl. Where's the trash? I need Brick's old backpack.
- I took the bags to the curb. - You never take out the trash.
- Why would you start now? - Well, Dad told me to do what you say...
...and I'm Bob, and Bob's supposed to take out the trash.
You're not Bob. You're Pete.
I'm three different people, and none of them make you happy.
Oh, no.
Wait! Wait! Hold on! Please!
You gotta stop! My son's best friend is in there!
Wait!
Wait! Wait!
Just give me a minute. I'll find it. I'll find it.
My God, there's a lot of shampoo left in this.
Victory! Oh!
Mwah! Yes.
Ta-da!
Nah, I think I'll keep the new one. Thanks, though.
You just said that you missed it. You said it was throwing you off.
I can't tell if it's you or the backpack, but something smells pretty rank.
The other kids in my class seem to like this...
...Shaquille O'Neal character. Maybe it'll help me fit in more.
Shaquille O'Neal character.
All my getting ahead of it for nothing?
Well, at least I knew for sure I helped Sue.
And now your 2010 cross-country team. Let's hear it.
Yep, Sue was happy because I'd gotten on top of it.
She'd worn her new cross-country sweatshirt all week long.
Oh, man.
Are they okay?
I thought we could do it, Mike.
I really thought we could get ahead of it.
- But everything just got screwed up. - Yeah. I never thought we could do it.
- You didn't? - No. It's not possible.
You can't get ahead of it.
Try to plug one leak, and another one just pops up.
What are you saying? I should quit trying?
Yes. That's exactly what I'm saying.
- Mike. - Look, you gave it a shot.
You had an idea.
And you'll wanna remember I was completely supportive.
Thing is, Frankie, there are people...
...that have it all together, and everything works out.
We're not those people.
We don't have a in-ground-pool life. We have an above-ground life.
But it seems kind of lazy to just give up.
Don't think of it as giving up.
Think of it as getting ahead of the quitting.
Everybody gives up by Christmas.
Think of how far ahead we'll be of all those idiots who are still trying.
The truth is, once I gave up, it was a huge weight off my shoulders.
Life got back to normal.
Oh, my God.
- I've overslept. Is anybody up? - Nobody. And the bus driver's honking.
Go get everybody up. Never mind. I'll do it.
- Everybody get up! - Dude, no one set my alarm.
I was supposed to write a paper.
- Run out to the bus and tell them to wait. - Unh.
Mom, look. I printed out the front page of the school website. Look at it.
"Overheated student ruins pep rally"? Oh, honey.
I know. I'm in the paper.
Heh, I'm "overheated student." Everybody's gonna know me.
Mom, Ms. Rinsky needs parents to supervise the field trip.
Can't. Banned. Go.
- Wait. You never packed us lunches. - Shoot.
Let them sit out in the sun before you try and eat them.
Awesome.
Those other people, the ones we're always trying to be like...
... maybe if they looked in our windows and saw how good we have it...
... they might actually envy us.