Hello, Maurice.
Come right in, Ruth-Anne. Watch your step there, dear.
Take a seat. Hmm.
Can I offer you some sherry? All right.
It's hard to believe it's the first of the month, isn't it?
How's business?
Ooh, can't complain.
Good. Thank you.
That patch on your roof...
no problem with that, is there?
No. No.
Good, good. Well, to your health.
As I was walking past the store the other day...
I noticed there were some streaks on the windows.
You might have Ed run a squeegee over that.
I'll do that.
Oh, and I got a rebate on that low-flush commode.
You can knock $20 off this month's rent.
Oh, that's all right. The check's already made out.
$5,000?
I'm exercising my option.
I'm paying off the store.
Well.
Where did you get $5,000?
I saved it.
$5,000?
Every week, for the past 10 years...
I've set aside $10 just for this.
Every week for the past 10 years?
Come hell or high water.
The store is mine. I'm a free woman.
Well, I guess congratulations are in order.
I would think so.
Now, if you'll excuse me, Maurice, I have a business to attend to.
Good morning, Cicely. This is Bernard Stevens...
taking a break from the number-crunching game...
to sit in for my literal and figurative brother...
your own Chris "In the Morning" Stevens.
You know, Chris is taking his vacation this year...
with an eye towards self-discovery.
Instead of a week of sybaritic surf and sun...
he's opted for the vita contemplativa, the contemplative life.
So, hankering for some hard work...
and a little quiet prayer...
he's gone south to join the Brothers of St. Dismas as a guest retreatant.
And, in the time-honored monastic tradition...
Chris has elected to remove himself from the secular world...
to discover what Thomas Merton calls his inmost secret center.
I know we're all a little envious.
So, good luck, my brother.
And Godspeed.
Hey, man.
Howdy, guys!
Chris Stevens? Yeah.
Welcome, I'm Brother Timothy.
Hi. You made great time.
I was so excited, I didn't sleep, I just pushed on through.
Let me guess, Jesuit? No.
Benedictine?
Paulist? Not Catholic.
You're not? But you are a man of the cloth, right?
Sort of. I mean, I got my D.D. through an ad in a Rolling Stone.
Oh. Well, no mind.
Anyone seeking spiritual rejuvenation is welcome here.
Come on, I'll show you to your cell.
Cool.
Here we go.
This is great! It's perfect. Mmm-hmm.
Here's your pallet, writing table, wash basin...
your robe. 44 long, right?
Right, right. Say, can I get a hair shirt?
Oh, I'm afraid we don't wear those anymore.
No hair shirts?
Mortification of the flesh has its place, no doubt about it...
but our feeling is you can catch more flies with honey...
than you do with vinegar.
Right.
Listen, about your work assignment-
I want to be treated just like everybody else.
I mean, long hours, back-breaking labor.
How about... the kennels?
Oh, the kennels? Yeah.
I don't know.
I got some really weird karma happening with dogs.
Karma?
Yeah, I tend to kill them, that's all.
Kill them? Birds, too.
Accidentally. Oh, well.
There is the apiary.
Bees? Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, I could get behind that. I mean, with bees, you off a few...
you got a whole lot left, right?
Right. Okay.
They're here.
Patient? Pencils.
Marilyn, it's been two weeks here.
Two weeks since a patient has walked through that door.
What's going on?
I mean, is it something that I've done?
Or said?
Is this like some kind of boycott here?
Nobody's sick. Nobody's sick.
This is the peak season for general medicine.
There's bronchitis, and chilblains and walking pneumonia.
I should be busy here. I should be overworked and harried.
I've re-alphabetized my files.
I've answered all my personal correspondence...
and I've played innumerable games of solitaire, and you know what?
Uh-uh.
I'm going out of my mind here.
What?
You need a haircut.
You know, it was Saint Benedict...
who wrote the book on monastic virtues.
Obedience, poverty, chastity.
And it was this last item, chastity...
which really gave him some grief.
Seems he couldn't get a certain hometown girl out of his mind.
And on one occasion, when the desire for her was so overwhelming...
he eschewed the traditional cold shower.
Instead, he took off his clothes...
threw himself naked into a briar patch...
rolled around in the thorns until his flesh was rent and bleeding.
That's commitment.
Listen, Chris, I-
Hey, Maurice.
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot.
Anything I can do for you?
No. Chris and I sometimes like to discuss...
the vagaries of human nature.
Your brother has a skewed, but very interesting perspective.
Well, why don't you give me a shot? Okay.
I just came from Ruth-Anne's.
I needed a bar of glycerin soap.
I took it to the counter, paid for it.
Ruth-Anne gave me my change and...
Yeah?
Well, there was something not right.
It was like walking into a room...
where someone's rearranged all the furniture.
Things weren't the way they're supposed to be.
No, ever since she paid off the store.
Paid off the store? I used to own the store.
Oh. Oh. When she first came up here after her husband died...
she was kind of at a loss and...
she'd had some experience in retail...
so I suggested she take over the store...
as a way to get her life back together.
It's a control thing. What?
Well, you were her landlord. And for all these years, you ran the show.
Yeah. So? Well, by Ruth-Anne paying off the store...
she just lopped off the big bamboo.
I beg your pardon?
She castrated you. She emasculated you.
Well, look at it this way.
Maurice Minnifield, master of the house, lord of the manor...
is now reduced to begging at the back door for table scraps.
Now you're just another customer.
You know what gnaws at me, Bernard?
I can see her...
week after week...
year after year, stuffing those grimy $10 bills...
into a mayonnaise jar.
Plotting, scheming, dreaming of the day...
that she'd be rid of me. It's so personal.
It's almost as if all those years...
she secretly despised me, you know?
Yeah.
With all due modesty, Chris...
we're famous throughout the Pacific Northwest for our honey.
Here we are.
Brother James. This is Brother Chris.
He's going to be laboring with you this week. Hi, James.
Nice to meet you. You, too.
Welcome.
That's Brother Luke and Brother Matthew.
This is brother Simon. Simon?
Chris. Hi, Chris.
Don't worry.
Brother Simon has taken a vow of silence.
He doesn't talk? No.
Ever? Never.
Really? Brother Simon's worked very hard...
to disassociate himself from the temporal world.
By denying himself speech, the most basic form of human interaction...
he's really come a long way.
For all intents and purposes, Brother Simon is dead to the world.
Far out.
Good evening. Hello.
Maurice. What can I get you?
I'm not shopping, Ruth-Anne. Oh?
Frankly, I'm here because I'm concerned about you.
Bernard and I were just talking...
about the financial ramifications of you paying off your note...
and he agrees with me that it's a terrible mistake.
Oh? How so?
Well, the tax code is written to benefit the mortgagor...
and interest payments are totally deductible.
Now, as much as I hate to carry paper...
since we're such old friends...
I've decided that I'm going to let you refinance at say...
eight and a half percent, 30-year fixed, and you can forget the points.
And no savings and loan will do that for you.
Let me get this straight, Maurice.
You're saying that I should go back in debt to you?
No need to thank me, Ruth-Anne.
I'm happy to help.
No. No?
Not on your life, Maurice.
Oh, Ed, would you go in the back and get some fresh arugula?
Yes, Ma'am.
Ruth-Anne...
I'm trying to do you a favor here.
I don't need your favors, Maurice.
Look, don't be stupid, Ruth-Anne.
You're just throwing your money away.
If you're done, Maurice, you can go.
All right, if that's the way you wanna play it.
I'll have to invoke the early payment penalty, of course.
The what?
It's in the deed of trust, right here.
Article three, early payment penalty, $350.
Of all the low-down, underhanded tricks.
I would be happy to return your check...
and pretend nothing happened.
Let me tell you something, Maurice.
When you pulled my light fixtures, my old light fixtures...
and put in fluorescent, I held my tongue.
When you hung that dreadful fish on the wall, I held my tongue.
I even held my tongue when you made me stock...
300 copies of The Right Stuff...
but I'll never hold my tongue again.
And if that privilege is going to cost me $350...
I'm overjoyed to pay it!
Why, you ingrate!
What about that time you had to send Rudy money for a new truck?
Who carried you for three months then?
And in that hailstorm in '81...
who was over here at 3:00 in the morning...
nailing plywood over your storefront?
Thank God I won't have to listen to that damn plywood story again!
The whole deal's off. It's off the table!
Get out, Maurice!
And from here on, take your business some place else!
Fine!
I'll never set foot in this quarry again!
Hallelujah!
You pompous old goat!
Hey, nice one.
Brother Simon? James.
What? James.
Oh, right.
Hey, fabulous day, huh?
You know, it's amazing how well a person can sleep...
on one of those straw pallets.
I mean, I was a little itchy at first...
then once I got past that, I slept like a baby.
Brother Simon, is that you?
It is you, isn't it?
Hey, look, I don't mean...
to get in your face or anything like that.
It's just, ever since I read Saint Augustine, in the joint...
you know, I've been in this kind of religious philosophical thing, you know?
And then finally to meet a guy who's dead to the world...
I can't even begin to tell you.
I mean, the vow of silence thing just blows me away because...
talking is what I do.
I'm a DJ, but it's more than that. It's deeper than that.
It's like a craving, a real need with me.
You know, I'm like a word junkie, you know?
I never shut up. I talk in my sleep, I talk to myself...
and for somebody to voluntarily shut off that tap...
it's like...
I can't even imagine.
Like all the rivers of the world...
just suddenly slam to a stop, you know?
No churning, no flowing, no white water, just stillness.
Bone-crushing stillness.
I couldn't stand to be locked up like that in my own psyche.
I'd collapse into myself, I would implode.
You know talking to you like this is...
It's really incredible. It's like praying, you know?
If there was just some signal I could get that...
I'm getting through to you? You know, some indication?
Something, anything.
Maybe I'm getting it and I just don't realize it.
You're not responding to me in any way.
That sends a message.
That says, maybe I annoy you, bore you.
Maybe you hate me.
Hate.
Hey, Brother Simon, that would be okay.
You know, it just, if there was some way...
that I could know for sure.
Hi, Maurice.
Well, if you don't have anything else for me to do...
then I'm just gonna go clean the aquarium.
Okay, I'm gonna go clean the aquarium now.
Ed.
Yeah, Maurice?
Do you remember when you came to work for me?
Well, kinda.
You were 16, a foundling.
Abandoned, alone...
you had no direction in the world.
No place to go.
I opened the door for you...
and gave you, not only gainful employment...
but also a moral guidance...
that you'd lacked as a child.
I gave you not only a job, Ed...
but also a home.
Maybe you don't want me to clean the aquarium.
For some time now, I've been concerned...
that your job with that woman...
was interfering with your duties here.
That woman. You mean Ruth-Anne?
I haven't said anything about it.
I was hoping that you would rectify the situation yourself...
and honor your primary obligation...
to me.
Your primary obligation to me, Ed.
Oh.
Now, there's a lot of things that need to be done here.
We need to rip out the hedgerow...
put in some bare-root cherries, nectarines...
and build a deck off the atrium.
Am I getting through to you?
Oh, yeah, Maurice. Good.
You don't want me to clean the aquarium, and I won't.
Ed, I need for you to go to work for me full-time.
But, Maurice, if I work full-time for you...
that'll mean I have to quit Ruth-Anne's. Bingo.
If you feel you must give her notice...
do it today.
A good day's work to do.
Hey, Chris. Hey.
Over here! Chris.
It's me, Tim.
Take a load off. Thanks.
Brother Simon?
James.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, hi.
Hi. Is that him?
Brother Simon's not here.
He always eats alone in his cell.
That dead to the world thing? Mmm-hmm.
I can't get this guy out of my mind. It's all I think about.
Brother Simon and silence.
Just big, cavernous, thundering silence.
I tried it for a while.
Silence? Mmm-hmm. 12 years.
You didn't talk for 12 years? Not a peep.
It's getting cold.
Oh, yeah.
It's not as tough as it sounds.
You just take it one day at a time.
This is good. Mmm-hmm.
It's cassoulet... Yeah, it's French.
White beans, sausage.
Yeah, I know. I just thought, you know, the food would be simpler.
You know, like gruel.
Gruel?
You know, part of the denial of the flesh...
self-deprivation kind of thing.
You know, terrible food, lots of fasting.
Chris, you've got some wild ideas about monastic life.
I mean, I don't know about self-deprivation, but we like to eat well.
I'll never forget it.
This time, three years ago...
I was in the ER rotation at Bellevue.
And besides all the regular stuff...
the gunshot wounds and the head traumas...
the city was in the grip of a major swine flu epidemic.
I mean, they were coming in, in droves.
I worked 72 hours straight, no break.
And finally, I collapsed.
They carried me into the doctor's lounge, right?
I slept for an hour, right?
One hour, then I'm back on my feet.
I'm intubating a 65-year-old man in respiratory failure.
God.
April 15th.
Sorry?
Last day to file tax returns.
For a CPA, it's the same kind of rush. Yeah?
Oh, yeah!
You've got a two-foot stack of long-form 10-40s on your desk...
a sea of W-2s. You're scrambling around for late K-1s...
and those missing canceled checks.
You've got clients on their knees, begging for extensions.
And by 9:00 PM, you hit the wall, but see, you can't fold...
because you've only got three hours to midnight.
Three hours to factor in deductions...
and adjust gross incomes...
and to get those returns postmarked.
So, you push through...
and you pull out a white shirt from your desk drawer...
you take another hit of espresso...
and you say to yourself...
"Oh my God, it doesn't get any better than this. "
Wow.
Yeah, totally.
Hey, Bernard?
Mmm-hmm?
Anything wrong with you?
Pain, fever, rash, anything at all?
Anything.
Sorry.
Brother Simon?
Brother Simon, please hold on a sec.
I want to apologize if I said anything out of turn back at the apiary.
I mean, I want you to know I really admire your lifestyle choice.
I respect your privacy more than anything.
I don't want to infringe on your devotional path.
I guess, what I'm saying is, I'd like to be friends with you...
if it's anyway possible, I mean, I know we're not gonna have...
any long heartfelt conversations...
it's just, on a transcendent level...
I think there's a lot you and I could share.
You know?
I mean, why don't you just sleep on it?
Don't make up your mind now.
Ed?
I'm considering putting in a cosmetics carousel. What do you think?
I guess.
There's room over there by the fishing tackle stand.
Ed, the paint!
This isn't Desert Sage.
It's Apache Tan.
Uh-huh.
Did I tell you to paint it Apache Tan?
Well, it's always been Apache Tan.
Because he likes Apache Tan.
I hate Apache Tan.
Paint it Desert Sage.
Ruth-Anne, there's something I have to tell you.
There's something I have to tell you, too, Ed.
Oh, you go first.
Ed, do you remember when you came to work for me?
How you were barely making ends meet on that other job?
How you couldn't even afford film stock for your movies?
Uh-huh.
Well, I made it possible for you to purchase the things you needed.
And I also tried to encourage your artistic nature, to inspire you.
Do you know what I mean, Ed?
You want me to quit my job with Maurice and come to work for you full-time.
Why, yes.
Now that that's taken care of...
what did you have to tell me?
I forget.
Oh.
Brother Simon? Brother Simon?
Should I separate the honeycombs...
or put them in jars, because, personally...
I like to put the honeycombs in my mouth...
and bite down on them, you know?
Feel that big old globby piece of wax in there.
The honey spurts out, just runs down my throat.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Listen, I can't believe I just did that.
I don't know what came over me.
Nothing's ever happened to me like that before, I swear! Never!
Oh, boy.
Going through the mail here...
as yet no word from Friar Chris.
I guess he's been kept too busy with his devotional duties.
And If he's like me...
that summer at Camp Winichuka, he's just having too much fun to put pen to paper.
But got a message here from the Cicely Department of Health...
AKA Dr. Joel Fleischman...
"When was the last time you had a mole check?
"Dr. Fleischman invites you...
"to drop by at his office anytime between nine to five, Monday through Friday.
"Remember, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. "
Someone here? Uh-uh.
What about appointments?
Any appointments?
What happened to Dave?
2:30, we had an appointment.
I ran into him at The Brick last night...
he promised that he would come...
so I could take a look at his knee.
I don't understand what's going on.
He promised. He promised.
Marilyn, I'm a doctor.
I feel like... I can handle a lot of things.
I can handle medical emergencies...
and disasters, triage.
But not... this...
nothingness. This stillness.
I feel like I'm in a black hole.
I feel useless. Marilyn, I feel like I could faint here.
How do you do that?
How do you just sit like that?
I mean, you have this uncanny, preternatural ability to just...
sit for hours and hours. Just sit and not do anything.
Do you think?
I mean, I know you think.
A conscious person can't not think, it's impossible.
What do you think about?
Things.
Things? Uh-huh.
What kind of things?
Love and death? Family?
Clips.
Clips?
Paper clips.
All these hours you sit and think about paper clips?
Not all the time.
What else? What else do you think about?
Colors.
Really? Colors?
Blue mostly.
Blue?
And beige.
Marilyn, is this conversation as absurd to you as it is to me?
You started it.
Right.
I need to make a confession.
Chris? That you?
Brother Timothy?
Yeah. Hi. Hi.
I thought this was supposed to be anonymous.
Yeah. Well, I just thought I recognized your voice.
What's on your chest?
Well...
Please, go ahead.
That's what I'm here for.
I've...
I've been having some erotic fantasies... Uh-huh.
...about one of the monks here.
Oh, boy.
I know. Brother Simon.
Listen, Chris. I didn't say anything about the dog...
Meister Eckhart...
the Rolling Stone degree, but this is a monastery...
not a British boarding school.
No, no, no, no. Whoa, hold on.
You don't understand.
I'm freaking out about this.
I love women.
Ever since I can remember...
I've been totally aroused, since I was a toddler, by women.
The small of a back...
the curve of a neck, the subtle lift of a breast.
That sweet softness that just makes you want to dive in...
and bury yourself in it, you know?
I've always been very sexually secure.
More than that, committed.
Has this all been a lie?
Is this my true self?
The self that I came here to discover?
The self that sits here physically and emotionally consumed by Brother Simon?
Well-
Look, don't answer that. Just tell me what I'm gonna have to do...
about these impure thoughts.
A Hail Mary, an Our Father, what?
You're not Catholic. Yeah, right.
The only thing I can think to do...
is confess.
I thought that's what I'm doing.
Not to me.
To Brother Simon.
More pretzels? Thanks, Shelly.
Can I have just have one more whole milk, please?
You're hitting the bovine juice pretty hard, Ed.
It's helping me think.
Something got you snagged?
Ruth-Anne and Maurice.
Oh, yeah.
He was in here this morning scarfing down...
that yucky high-fiber stuff.
Ruth-Anne came in, he just pushed his bowl aside and walked out.
Yeah.
They want me to take sides, but I just can't.
Yeah.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I've been going through all my tapes...
you know, searching for an answer.
Trying to watch films that explore interpersonal conflict.
Lion in Winter, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf.
I even watched Interiors again.
No help.
You ought to check out The Parent Trap.
The Parent Trap? I caught it on cable.
Hayley Mills and Hayley Mills? Uh-huh.
Remember, they play these two twin chicks...
whose parents are divorced...
but deep down inside, they still really got the hots for each other?
Isn't that with Brian Keith and Maureen O'Hara?
The twins meet at summer camp and they get this cool idea to pull a switch.
Right. Hayley Mills goes home with Mom...
but Hayley Mills goes home with Dad. Right.
And the whole idea was to get the parents to meet.
'Cause, of course, once they meet again, well, you know...
It's very Disneyesque, but it just might work, Shelly.
Hey!
Hey, Joel.
Hey, Bernard!
I've been looking all over for you.
What do you say, you and I...
we bop over to the gym and play a little one-on-one? Now?
Yeah, right now. Come on, hop in. I'll drive.
I promised Maurice I'd do an afternoon commuter show.
Yeah? What time do you start?
In about an hour.
Well, that's plenty of time. Get in. Come on, we'll play to 20.
First one to win by two. Sorry.
I've got to shower. I've got to set up.
All right, well, then...
what if I come over and give you a hand, huh?
I mean I can organize the tapes.
I'll dust the records. I'll do anything.
Look, when was the last time that Chris cleaned the heads in that place?
Joel, you mind if I shared an observation?
No, not at all. I'd be delighted.
You're in the throes of existential angst.
Come again?
Well, this desperate need for company.
For something to fulfill your time.
You're staring into your own grave.
I am? Yes.
Take a look at your reflection. Take a look.
What do you see?
A stranger? A cipher? Why?
Because there's nothing there.
You're a tree without a shadow.
You're an empty well.
You're a silent scream. Most of the time you can deny it...
but not when you're alone without distractions.
Then you're forced to confront it and deal with the question.
I mean, it's shoved in your face, rammed down your throat.
What question? The only question.
Which is?
What is the meaning of my existence?
I mean, quit running, Joel. The answer is inescapable.
It is?
Your existence has no meaning. None at all.
And if you don't come to grips with that...
you're gonna continue to lead an incomplete, unfulfilled...
totally neurotic life.
Normally, I'm loathe to give advice...
but if I were you, I'd learn how to sit still...
to face the abyss...
to embrace it, to do nothing.
Hi, Brother Simon.
I was just washing the floor...
and I happened to have my face down here and I was...
That's a lie.
I was peeking under your door. I was trying to spy on you.
I've got something to tell you, Brother Simon.
I had this dream...
this incredibly sensual, erotic dream...
and it was about you.
I grabbed you and...
I kissed you...
and it was so real.
I can almost...
I can almost taste the steel mesh of your mask...
and your hands...
they were covered in honey.
The bees all swarmed and they stung me, and I liked it.
And I pulled you to the ground, and, oh, God...
oh, oh, God, Brother Simon...
I know what you're thinking, it's just...
it's worse for me.
I never thought that I could...
feel this way about a man.
I mean, I love women, and I just...
I didn't come here to burden you with this.
If you could just find it in your heart to forgive me, Brother Simon.
I want to see you without any clothes on.
I want to see your legs. They're long, aren't they?
They're strong and...
Oh my God. Oh, my God, I don't believe I said that.
Brother Simon, you can go back to your prayers...
and we'll act like this never happened.
I'm gonna clean the floor...
and I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Ed?
You?
What are you doing here?
I might ask you the same thing.
Well, Ed sent me a note.
He said to meet him here, he had something very urgent to discuss with me.
Me, too.
Where is he? Beats me.
Well, I'm not gonna wait around here with you.
If Ed wants to see me, tell him to come to the store.
He left a videotape.
What?
I think he wants us to watch it.
You suit yourself.
Hello, Maurice, Ruth-Anne.
I suppose you're both wondering why I've called you here today.
Well, ever since you had your really big fight...
I haven't been able to get much sleep...
or concentrate.
And I haven't been feeling very hungry, either.
So, I was wondering if you both would consider...
well, making up and being friends again.
And I don't think it should be very hard...
on account of, you've both known each other...
for a really, really long time.
So, I think the important thing here is just to, you know...
look beyond the expressions of anger...
and really try and hear what the other person's saying.
I think it was Judd Hirsch in Ordinary People...
who said that the most important thing in a healthy relationship...
is good listening.
So, I'm gonna leave you two to it.
And make yourselves comfortable.
There's potato chips and fruit punch on the fridge.
And I think that's it.
Good-bye. Oh, yeah, and don't forget to rewind the tape. Okay.
Well...
the boy seemed genuinely distressed.
You know...
it's possible that you weren't the worst landlord that ever lived.
But you were a landlord...
and I never liked landlords.
Maybe, I went a bit too far with that...
prepayment penalty.
But whenever I get my hands around a man's throat...
even if that man happens to be a woman...
I find it very difficult to let go.
Mmm-hmm.
You want some of this fruit punch?
All right.
Hello, Marilyn.
Maggie called. Yeah?
She book an exam?
You're late with the rent.
Oh. Right.
No appointments, then, I take it? Uh-uh.
Good, okay. It's fine.
You see, I don't really mind.
You know what I think I'll do?
I think I will go into my consultation room...
and I'll just sit.
Yeah, that's what I'll do.
Sit?
Yeah.
Like you do, just sit.
What?
You can't.
I can't what?
I can't sit?
Is that what you're saying?
You don't think I can go in there and just sit?
That is ridiculous.
I am capable of quietude.
Marilyn, I am capable of solitary reflection.
Wanna bet?
A bet? What, you mean like a wager?
$5. How long?
Five minutes.
Five minutes. You don't think that I can go in there...
and sit for five minutes.
Uh-uh.
I'll give you $6. Let's go.
Come on, you wanna see a guy sit? I'll show you a guy sitting.
The easiest money I ever made.
All right, start the clock.
Begin.
I can't take this!
Nobody could just sit there with you staring at them.
It's creepy. Okay, it's horrible!
Nobody! Nobody could just sit there with you...
boring your eyes into them, psyching them out. Nobody!
My money.
Who's there?
Brother Simon.
Brother Simon? You spoke.
Am I dreaming again?
No.
Wait a second.
You're a she? You're a woman?
Oh, man.
Oh, man, I don't get it.
What are you doing here?
I always wanted a life of monasticism...
but I couldn't see living life without the presence of men.
What about your vow of silence?
I thought it would be a greater sin not to have you know the truth.
Now you know.
Brother Simon,
what's your given name?
Chris.
Hey! Hey, Joel!
Bernard, please. Please, look.
No more existential angst, okay? I give up.
Really?
My personality is shattered, all right?
My identity is dissolved...
I'm lost in my own skin.
Actually, I wanted to discuss something medical with you.
Did you just say medical?
I have a pain.
Where? In my chest, left side.
Left side? Uh-huh.
Is it sharp, dull or piercing?
Sharp, but sometimes it's...
What?
...more of an ache. An ache.
Bernard, well, what are we doing standing here?
I mean, we gotta get you back to my office.
We'll get you a complete medical work-up. A to Z.
You think so? Oh, absolutely. Are you kidding?
I mean, look, this could be...
It could be a whole host of things. I mean, pericarditis...
esophageal diverticulum, pleurisy.
I mean, that's just scratching the surface.
Pulmonary alone, I'll bet I can think of 10 things.
Really? Yeah.
We're gonna start with a full series of X-rays, okay?
We're gonna do an electrocardiogram...
we'll do blood work, we'll do urinalysis.
Now, I can't do a CT scan, but what I can do is a barium swallow, okay?
CT scan? CT scan.
And just to rule out heart disease...
I like to do a thallium stress test.
And maybe a halter monitor.
Now, is that expensive?
Don't worry, Bernard. I'm gonna take good care of you.
No, I just wanna make sure my insurance covers it.
Afternoon, Ed.
Hello, Maurice.
Ruth-Anne. Maurice.
I'd like a box of 12-gauge shotgun shells, please.
And a couple of emery boards.
Okay.
There you are.
I see you painted.
That's right.
Desert Sage.
Mmm-hmm.
Looks...
fine.
Thank you. You're welcome.
What are you smiling at?
Nothing.
Well, folks, I've just come back from my short cruise...
on the river of spiritual renewal.
You might be wondering, were my goals met...
did I have that transcendent moment?
The epiphany?
You bet I did.
You know, us men, we're always booking out...
we join armies, frat houses, baseball teams.
In my case, a monastery.
All to the exclusion of our fair sisters.
I'll tell you something.
In that segregated, celibate world of men...
a divine hand reached down...
grabbed me by the belt strap and gave me a hard yank.
And to whom did this awesome hand belong?
Woman.
That's right, Cicely.
My metaphysical moment, my revelation was this:
For me there can be no spirituality...
no sanctity, no truth without the female sex.
"O woman! lovely woman!
"Nature made thee To temper man.
"We had been brutes without you.
"Angels are painted fair, to look like you.
"There's in you all that we believe of heaven...
"Amazing brightness, purity, and truth.
"Eternal joy, and everlasting love. "