1
00:00:03,040 --> 00:00:05,190
Oh, my gosh, that is so freakin' funny.
2
00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:07,475
- I know, right?
- What?
3
00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:09,152
Dad just wrote another classic one.
4
00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:10,355
- Oh.
- Tell her.
5
00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:13,238
I don't know about classic,
but... here we go.
6
00:00:13,320 --> 00:00:15,788
"If you're looking for a two-story house,
I'm your man.
7
00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:18,917
I'll tell you one story
before you buy it...
8
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:21,673
and then another story after."
9
00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:24,636
No, you didn't.
10
00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:28,118
Tonight is the SCARB.
11
00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:31,033
The Southern California
Annual Realtor's Banquet.
12
00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:33,076
- I think they know what it is.
- Mm-hmm.
13
00:00:33,160 --> 00:00:36,869
It's the mother of all residential
real estate banquets.
14
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:38,951
Now, for the last five years
Gil Thorpe has hosted...
15
00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:40,598
but, as luck would have it...
16
00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:42,750
he's having
a sketchy-looking polyp removed...
17
00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:45,718
so they've asked me to fill in.
18
00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:49,919
- See what I did?
- Oh, yeah.
19
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:53,470
- Fill. You think I should open with that?
- L... You betcha. You should.
20
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:56,272
Phil is gonna bomb.
21
00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:57,873
It's not that he's not fun.
22
00:00:57,960 --> 00:01:00,679
He is so fun. He's just not funny.
23
00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:04,036
It's probably my fault,
because I laugh at all of his jokes.
24
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:05,951
With my mouth...
25
00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:08,349
not with my eyes.
26
00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:11,512
"I see the great Realtor
Margaret Wilson is here...
27
00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:14,637
looking more curvaceous than ever.
28
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:17,314
Talk about your balloon payments."
29
00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:25,430
Gloria, do we have to keep this
Colombia-Brazil soccer game?
30
00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:27,272
Yes. I haven't seen it yet.
31
00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:29,078
It's been sitting in there
for five months.
32
00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:31,469
I mean, I can tell you who wins.
33
00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:33,312
What about this two-hour
Antiques Roadshow?
34
00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:34,674
I'll watch it today.
35
00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:36,830
Fine. I'm gonna play some golf.
36
00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:39,673
No. What about Mirabel's
daughter's quinceañera?
37
00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:42,193
I honestly didn't get any of that.
38
00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:44,271
Mirabel? She works for you?
39
00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:45,839
Okay.
40
00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:48,354
Her daughter, Rosalba,
is celebrating her quinceañera...
41
00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:49,873
her 15th birthday.
44
00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:54,879
I get this all the time.
45
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:58,191
I throw it on my secretary's desk,
and she sends them an Omaha Steak.
46
00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:00,430
- Ay, Jay.
- What?
47
00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:02,317
Manny's right.
48
00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:05,790
The quinceañera is very important
in the Latin culture.
49
00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:09,236
The moment the father dances
with his little princess.
50
00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:12,835
Ay. I remember
my own father holding my hand.
51
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:16,269
There wasn't a dry eye in the cartel.
52
00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:18,032
But these people don't want me there.
53
00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:20,759
See, they're just being polite.
I'm the boss.
54
00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:23,638
That's what you tell yourself
so you can stay above them.
55
00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:26,678
You just throw them an Obama Steak
and run to the golf course.
56
00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:28,398
I'm not trying to stay above them.
57
00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:30,948
I just don't think I have
to go all arriba, arriba with them.
58
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:32,996
- 'Cause you're better than them?
- No. Of course not.
59
00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:34,752
I mean, I'm better than some of them.
60
00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:36,831
Do you even know these people, Jay?
Hmm?
61
00:02:36,920 --> 00:02:38,990
Or they're just the backs you step on?
62
00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:41,071
I know you like to make me out
as an elitist...
63
00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:43,116
but the truth is,
I'm close with these people.
64
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,316
Then prove it. Let's go to the party.
65
00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:48,431
Fine. One hour. You drive.
66
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:52,274
'Cause I don't wanna give my valet ticket
to the wrong guy, have you all over me.
67
00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:53,713
Ay, Jay.
68
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:55,597
Where do you keep popping out from?
69
00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:58,877
So Cam has started
working out again, which is...
70
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:00,393
It's-it's great.
71
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:02,679
He's feeling good about himself...
72
00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:05,069
and I want him to be healthy,
so it is all good.
73
00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:07,628
- Except for one thing.
- Knock, knock.
74
00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:09,711
Look who's there.
75
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:14,758
Maybe there's a person in this world
who looks good in bike shorts...
76
00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:17,274
but my boyfriend is not that person.
77
00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:21,399
And I can't tell him because
he gets incredibly sensitive...
78
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:24,313
about even the tiniest comment
concerning his physique.
79
00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:27,597
Hey, I think I'm gonna take
this spin class tomorrow morning.
80
00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:29,079
Oh, sure.
81
00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:31,515
Oh, I get it. Message received.
82
00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:40,792
I didn't say anything!
83
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:46,837
♪ Hey, hey ♪
84
00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:48,797
♪ Hey, hey ♪
85
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:50,711
♪ Hey, hey ♪
86
00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:52,756
♪ Hey, hey ♪
87
00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:53,955
♪ Hey ♪♪.
88
00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:01,390
Okay, can't you just run
like a normal person?
89
00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:03,789
- What? It's troga.
- It's what?
90
00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:06,394
- You never heard of troga?
- I hate it when you do that.
91
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:08,710
- What?
- "You never heard of troga?"
92
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:10,358
"You never tried octopus?"
93
00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:12,476
"You've never done this amazing thing
I just discovered yesterday...
94
00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,152
but I pretend like
I've done my whole life?"
95
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:17,869
So troga is treadmill yoga.
96
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:19,393
It's de rigueur.
97
00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:20,959
It's de-dorky.
98
00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:22,871
What is your deal today?
99
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:24,833
I'm sorry.
100
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:27,593
Phil is hosting that thing tonight,
and he's been writing jokes.
101
00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:29,716
- Ooh, yikes.
- I know.
102
00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:32,792
And I'm worried he's gonna humiliate himself
in front of all those important people.
103
00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:34,632
- I can't say anything because...
- No. No.
104
00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:35,789
I get it. I get it.
105
00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:38,110
- Because it would hurt him even more coming from you.
- Yeah.
106
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,191
I'm kinda going through
something similar with Cam right now.
107
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,191
- Why?
- He's started exercising again.
108
00:04:42,280 --> 00:04:45,431
- That's good for him.
- Yeah. He's wearing bike shorts.
109
00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:46,953
That's bad for you.
110
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:49,918
And I'm the last person who
could say anything because he...
111
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,797
- No.
- Okay, wait. No, no, all right...
112
00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:53,552
You know the movie
Strangers on a Train?
113
00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:56,234
- I never saw it.
- You've never seen Strangers on a...
114
00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:57,912
I'm sorry. Great film.
115
00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:01,834
But it's these guys who both discover
that they want someone out of their lives.
116
00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:04,275
- Uh-huh.
- So one of the guys proposes the perfect crime.
117
00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:06,999
They will do each ether's murders.
118
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:08,957
We should do that.
119
00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:11,235
All right, so I would tell Cam
to lose the bike shorts?
120
00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:12,753
Keeping me out of it.
121
00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:14,990
And I tell Phil to lose the jokes.
122
00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:16,513
I like it. I'm in.
123
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,158
- All right.
- I am in.
124
00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:20,037
Hey, Mackenzie, s'up? It's Alex.
125
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:21,712
Hey, so, I was thinking later we...
126
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,279
Oh, no. Whatever you want.
127
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:25,999
Call me later, or I'll call you later or...
128
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:28,913
So who's Mackenzie?
129
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,479
You don't know her.
130
00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:34,313
- Oh, I know Mackenzie...
- Cute, popular.
131
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:37,437
I am Mackenzie.
I invented Mackenzie.
132
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:40,796
And the way she's
making my sister run around...
133
00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:44,395
It's kinda funny, but I can't have it.
134
00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:46,072
It's bad for the family.
135
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:52,712
What are you doing? I was about to call...
136
00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:55,712
Mackenzie? Yeah, I know.
Now shut up and let me help you.
137
00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:57,711
The world is divided into two groups:
138
00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,756
Cool girls and girls like you.
139
00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:02,070
And you have been given
a rare opportunity...
140
00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:04,037
to move from the former to the latter.
141
00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:05,553
- The latter to the former.
- Whatever.
142
00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:07,039
Oh, my God, you're such a geek.
143
00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:09,759
Now, do you want to be smart,
or do you want to be popular?
144
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,360
I think I wanna be popular.
145
00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:14,839
Of course you do.
146
00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:16,831
You just can't be so obvious about it.
147
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:18,797
You've given Mackenzie
way too much power...
148
00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:20,871
and you need to take
some of that power back.
149
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:22,598
It's her.
150
00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:25,069
- Give me the phone.
- Here's what you're gonna say.
151
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:26,718
"Hey, Mackenzie.
I'm busy. Call me back later."
152
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:29,189
- Then you hang up.
- No way.
153
00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:31,157
Then you're not getting the phone back.
154
00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:33,879
- Just give it to me.
- "Hey, Mackenzie. I'm busy. Call me back later."
155
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:35,598
- Then you hang up.
- I can't.
156
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:36,237
- Do it.
- No!
157
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:37,389
- Do it!
- Okay!
158
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:38,913
Damn you!
159
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:42,992
Hey, Mackenzie. I'm busy.
Call me back later.
160
00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:47,553
That was hard.
161
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:50,313
If it was easy, everyone would be popular.
162
00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:54,680
Knock, knock.
163
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,033
Knock, knock.
164
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:59,078
Come on in. It's open.
165
00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:01,993
Hey. I just wanted to drop off
these old baby clothes for Lily.
166
00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:04,071
Oh, that's right. You're so sweet.
167
00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:06,196
- I hope I didn't come at a bad time.
- Not at all.
168
00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:10,193
I was just deciding where to take Lily
for our bike ride... the lake or the park.
169
00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:11,713
I'm leaning towards the park.
170
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:14,351
I can see that.
171
00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:16,351
You didn't have to do that.
172
00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:20,149
You guys are a touch o' class.
173
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,196
Well, it is a big night for you, so...
174
00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:24,919
- French.
- Those guys.
175
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:26,991
So have you given any thought
to what you might say?
176
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:28,877
Actually, I'm trying not
to think about my act right now.
177
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:31,679
- I'm kinda fighting the old butterflies, to be honest.
- Oh, come on.
178
00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:35,878
That's normal. I hear the Jonas Brothers
get scared before every concert.
179
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,679
Not Kevin? The guy's a rock.
180
00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:40,432
Especially Kevin.
181
00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:42,909
Ugh! I can't believe
I ever bought this for Alex.
182
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,831
I wish somebody had said something.
183
00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:46,831
Oh, come on.
That was probably cute 10 years ago.
184
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,036
No. No, it never was.
185
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:51,429
And you know,
I'm the exact same way about my clothes.
186
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,397
Most of the time, great,
but every now and again...
187
00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:59,191
there's that one outfit I just wish
somebody would be honest with me and say...
188
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:02,955
"What you're wearing isn't appropriate."
189
00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:04,678
Do you know what I mean?
190
00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:07,354
- I think I do, Claire. I think I do.
- Mm-hmm.
191
00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:09,829
- And my answer is yes.
- Okay.
192
00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:11,911
I would love to dress you.
193
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,195
No, I don't want you to dress me.
194
00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,953
No. And I owe it to you to be honest...
195
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:20,589
so I'm just gonna say
that you need to lose the bicycle shorts.
196
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:25,069
- Excuse me?
- They're not working for you, Cam.
197
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:26,832
Please don't take this personally.
198
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:29,195
I mean, nobody looks good in bike shorts.
199
00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:32,192
I just... I feel that I owe it
to you to be honest.
200
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:33,952
So, we're good, right?
201
00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:35,473
- We're great.
- We're great.
202
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:37,073
- We're great.
- Great. Okay.
203
00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:38,115
So...
204
00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:41,355
You should probably
just show yourself out.
205
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,078
I hear some crying down the hallway.
206
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:45,355
Look at that... That's a good dad,
because you've got a baby...
207
00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:47,078
and you hear every little sound.
208
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:50,118
I would've...
I wouldn't have even noticed... crying.
209
00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:57,359
No. Okay. All right.
All you need to know about this one...
210
00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,954
- is that Skip Woosnum is a well-known Realtor...
- Mm-hmm.
211
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,189
- And he's old.
- Got it.
212
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:04,670
Skip Woosnum, Realtor, old. Here we go.
213
00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:07,911
I'm not saying
Realtor Skip Woosnum is old...
214
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:10,798
but the first property he ever sold...
215
00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,279
was a cave.
216
00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:16,511
You're not, uh... not laughing.
217
00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:18,795
Why aren't you laughing, Uncle Mitchell?
218
00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:21,314
Because he doesn't think it's funny.
Or maybe you don't think I'm funny.
219
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:23,789
- Is that what you're saying, Mitch?
- No, it's...
220
00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:27,713
I just got it.
221
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:29,552
- Oh, my. That's...
- Oh.
222
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:31,949
Cave.
223
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:33,871
- Yes. Yes.
- That one's kind of a thinker.
224
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:36,520
##
225
00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:41,317
Here he is.
226
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,152
- All right, now.
- Knock it off, Jay.
227
00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:45,708
- You don't know anyone's name here.
- Are you kidding me?
228
00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:47,279
Carlos!
229
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:50,830
Lucky guess.
230
00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:53,229
I'm lucky only one turned around.
231
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:55,952
Listen, I need a favor.
232
00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,508
I overestimated the number
of people I know at this party.
233
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:03,310
So you go around, introduce yourself,
and I'll hear the names.
234
00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:05,960
You realize you're asking me
to help prove my own mother wrong?
235
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:08,076
I'll pay two bucks per introduction.
236
00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:11,118
- All right, that's Ramona. She's crazy for bingo.
- Ramona.
237
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,119
Gloria. Stop being such a snob.
238
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,475
Come over and meet
my friend Julio and his wife.
239
00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:35,632
- I'm sorry. Your name again?
- ¿ Qué?
240
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,551
I think you're really
gonna hit it off with Kay.
241
00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:38,993
Mm-hmm.
242
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,870
She's gonna tell me how to dress?
243
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,712
She oughta stick to things
she knows more about...
244
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:47,438
- like overcooking salmon.
- Okay, wait.
245
00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:50,432
She actually said that you don't look good
in bicycle shorts.
246
00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:51,953
Yes.
247
00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:55,316
You don't look good in bicycle shorts.
248
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:57,391
Madness.
249
00:10:57,480 --> 00:11:00,438
- Oh, and here she is.
- Okay, you know what? I can't be here.
250
00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:02,317
- I'm going out for air.
- Yes. Yes. Go.
251
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,470
This could get ugly.
252
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:06,039
Hello, Claire.
253
00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:08,554
You are a gutless weasel.
254
00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:11,154
Oh, yeah, no, I heard
what you said to my boyfriend.
255
00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:13,071
You told Phil he was hysterical.
256
00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:15,549
You said he was
this generation's Richard Pryor.
257
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:18,996
Well, I am not the one
that you need to apologize to.
258
00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:22,038
What are you babbling about?
You owe me a murder.
259
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:24,913
Okay, Claire, I couldn't do it.
260
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:26,513
I couldn't crush Phil's dreams.
261
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:28,909
We had a deal.
I told Cam about the bike shorts.
262
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:30,797
No. No.
263
00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:33,075
The deal was to get Cam
to take off the bike shorts.
264
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:36,072
But guess what? He is still
in the stupid bike shorts.
265
00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:37,673
Can I call you back?
266
00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:40,638
Turns out Cam was here the whole time,
and he just heard everything I said.
267
00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:42,676
Oh. Did he just run
into the bedroom and cry?
268
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:44,637
Yes, 'cause that's what all gay men do.
269
00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:46,836
We all dissolve into...
270
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:48,956
Yes, that is what he did.
271
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:56,155
There are challenging moments
in every marriage.
272
00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:59,118
Um, having to tell your husband
that he's not funny...
273
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:02,158
so that he won't humiliate himself,
has to be one of the toughest.
274
00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:08,913
So I went a different way.
275
00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:11,639
Stop talking.
276
00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:14,109
I just need some time
for this wound to become a scar.
277
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:17,875
I'm sorry I got Claire involved, but...
and this is not a criticism...
278
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:21,509
but sometimes you can be
a little sensitive about your appearance.
279
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:23,158
Well, this is a criticism.
280
00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:25,993
Sometimes you can be insensitive
about everything.
281
00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:28,753
Oh, my... Cam, I just feel like
our relationship's strong enough...
282
00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:30,432
to survive a little candor.
283
00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:33,193
Look, you could tell me if there's
something about me you'd like to change.
284
00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:34,793
I hate your beard.
285
00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:37,474
Wow. Well, you had that bullet
in the chamber.
286
00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:40,597
I never said anything
because I never wanted to hurt you...
287
00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:43,148
but I've always found
your beard off-putting.
288
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:50,472
See? Hurts.
289
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,153
Mitchell?
290
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:57,117
Mitchell, get back here!
291
00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:01,673
What are you doing?
292
00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:04,399
- I'm shaving off the beard.
- Seriously?
293
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:08,268
Yeah. The man I love doesn't like it,
so off it goes.
294
00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:09,588
- Well, good.
- Good.
295
00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:11,398
- Great.
- Great. Okay.
296
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:16,270
One, two, three...
297
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:19,553
Wait!
298
00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:21,551
The fact that you're
willing to do it is enough for me.
299
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:23,312
I love your beard.
300
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:26,312
I love that when you drink cappuccino
you get foam in it...
301
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:29,278
and when you're nervous
your little hairs twitch.
302
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,431
You couldn't have told me
before I took a notch out?
303
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,238
I'm sorry. L-I...
304
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:36,436
Listen, I know...
305
00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:39,637
I can be touchy about... this...
306
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:41,995
but you're this amazing-looking guy and...
307
00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:44,275
I am not amazing...
308
00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:47,079
- Uh, really?
- I wouldn't change anything.
309
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:48,115
Oh.
310
00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:52,032
You should know that
every day I wake up...
311
00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:53,838
very grateful to have you in my life.
312
00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,592
I'm the one who got lucky, handsome.
313
00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:57,398
Maybe I just don't show it enough.
314
00:13:57,480 --> 00:14:00,119
You can make it up to me
by doing my shoulders.
315
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:01,633
Sure.
316
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,592
I meant a massage.
What are you saying?
317
00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:11,912
Oh, Mitchell. Mitchell.
318
00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:19,997
- It's Mackenzie.
- Again.
319
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:22,674
She wants me to come to this party
she's throwing. She texted me earlier.
320
00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:24,990
- You texted her back, right?
- No.
321
00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:28,709
Wow. I'm... proud?
322
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:30,791
- Tell her you'll try and come...
- Right.
323
00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:33,952
- And then when she says...
- Haley, I got this.
324
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,600
Hey.
325
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:37,874
Who's this?
326
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,393
Brilliant.
327
00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:42,472
No, I didn't see it. I get a lot of texts.
328
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:45,711
I have a sister.
329
00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:48,075
When's the party?
330
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:50,079
I'll try and come.
331
00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:52,469
You know, I'm kinda busy. I have a life.
332
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:54,991
You know, stuff. Homework.
333
00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:56,513
Uh-oh.
334
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,910
I mean not homework...
It's not work if you love it.
335
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,150
- Oh, God. Hang up, hang up.
- Shut up!
336
00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:04,993
- Not you, Mackenzie.
- Drop the phone and kick it over here.
337
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:07,230
Um, I have to go. I'll call you later...
338
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:08,833
Or you call me later.
339
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:09,989
Love you.
340
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:12,640
- They were right in here.
- I know, and we looked everywhere, honey.
341
00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:16,030
- They were right in here.
- I know, and we looked everywhere, honey.
342
00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:17,599
So, just calm down.
343
00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:19,113
Are you kidding me? Calm down?
344
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:22,192
In one minute I'm gonna be
standing up there like... like a...
345
00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:25,157
- Oh my God, I have no material at all.
- Okay.
346
00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:26,878
You're gonna be fine.
You don't need jokes.
347
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,520
Listen to me. Honey, get up there,
be your charming self.
348
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,433
Make the introductions
from your heart and get out.
349
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:34,078
- ... Realtors' Banquet.
- You're gonna be amazing.
350
00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:36,435
- And now your host, Phil Dunphy.
- Okay?
351
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,192
Go. Go.
352
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:50,512
Good evening.
353
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:55,151
I would not be here tonight if not for the
hard work of the SCARB board of trustees...
354
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:56,832
I didn't have my jokes.
355
00:15:56,920 --> 00:15:59,480
What choice does a guy have
but to play it straight?
356
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:02,074
...The support of my family...
357
00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:05,357
and Gil Thorpe's colon.
358
00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:15,149
But Phil Dunphy is no straight guy.
359
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:20,549
So many giants
of residential real estate here tonight.
360
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,596
And of course, J.J. McCubbin.
361
00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:28,958
I'm not saying J.J. is small...
362
00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:32,715
but in the realty section,
he was described as "charming."
363
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,197
Mark Simon, you out there?
364
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:40,033
There's Mark. How are you, buddy?
365
00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:42,475
Mark recently moved into a new model.
366
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:44,152
How are you, Francine?
367
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:50,512
I kid Mark Simon.
I kid Mark Simon. He knows...
368
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:54,513
Francito, Little Manuel and Carlos,
my wife, Gloria.
369
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:56,113
Nice to meet you.
370
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:58,270
- We have to talk.
- Un memento.
371
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:01,830
You know, I can't believe
you never met them.
372
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:03,717
You've never met any of these people.
373
00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:05,518
You don't know anyone in this room.
374
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:08,114
- Vámonos, Jay.
- I'm not leaving before the father/daughter dance.
375
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:11,237
And "these people,"
as you call them, are not just employees.
376
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:12,912
They're mi familia, or my family.
377
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:14,718
I know what mi familia is, Jay.
378
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:18,311
Oh, I was afraid of this.
379
00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:25,713
- Hold this for me.
- No, Jay. No.
380
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,950
Thank you.
381
00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:30,838
Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you very much.
382
00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:32,512
I'm gonna make this brief.
383
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:34,989
I know a lot of you out there
don't even know who I am.
384
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:39,153
As my lovely wife, Gloria,
pointed out, that's my fault, not yours.
385
00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:41,515
I'm Jay Pritchett... el jefe.
386
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,630
Listen, on this very,
very happy occasion...
387
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:47,995
I'd like to pick up the tab on the bar.
388
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:52,918
Thank you.
389
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:56,436
- You know, when I started this company...
- ##
390
00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,511
the first thing that I... What?
391
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:01,239
Oh, right. Right. This is not about me.
392
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:03,470
This is about a very special young lady...
393
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:06,472
and the man who loves her
more than anyone else on earth.
394
00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:12,718
Isn't that lovely?
395
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:15,432
That's a beautiful, beautiful thing.
396
00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:19,069
You know, I'm reminded of
when I used to dance with my little girl.
397
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:20,752
But not like that.
398
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:25,592
Slow down there, muchacho.
399
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:29,236
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
400
00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:30,833
What? Are you applauding this?
401
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:31,955
You're applauding this?
402
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:33,837
I don't care
what kind of tradition this is.
403
00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:35,478
This is gonna stop.
404
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:36,788
- Hey, hey, hey. No.
- Por favor.
405
00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:39,075
- What? Am I the only one seeing this?
- Vamos, vamos, vamos.
406
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,754
I mean, honey,
I am not kidding when I tell you...
407
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:44,274
there was a woman next to me
gasping for breath.
408
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:47,113
Seriously, you were
so freaking funny, Phil.
409
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:50,351
I have seen professional comedians
who could never have done that.
410
00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:51,759
You were unbeliev...
411
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,037
I know it was you, Claire.
412
00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:57,236
You stole my index cards.
413
00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:01,319
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
414
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,391
I thought I was protecting you...
415
00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:05,869
and if my plan had been successful...
416
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:09,191
I would have robbed you
of the greatest night ever.
417
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:12,193
I'm sorry. I'm awful.
418
00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:14,510
- You're not awful.
- Mm-hmm.
419
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:15,749
Claire...
420
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:18,559
I love that you're looking out for me...
421
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:20,551
and I know why you worry about me...
422
00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:23,596
but I knew I had this tonight.
423
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:27,550
I know.
424
00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:29,710
Sometimes I just think
my job is to make sure...
425
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:31,597
you guys don't fall on your faces.
426
00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:33,477
That's a hard job in the Dunphy house.
427
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,317
- We fall a lot.
- I know.
428
00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:40,631
Maybe your real job is to be the person
who picks us back up.
429
00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:44,793
- Nobody does that better than you.
- Thank you.
430
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:50,075
Alex.
431
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:52,752
I have no friends.
432
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,350
- You're on the clock.
- Mmm.
433
00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:02,153
All right.
434
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:04,993
What happened?
435
00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:13,279
Oh my gosh, Mom, you're killing me.
436
00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:14,793
It's pretty good, right?
437
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:16,757
Pretty good? You could be, like, in Vegas.
438
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:18,831
- Well... I don't know.
- What's going on there?
439
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:20,353
Mom does the funniest impression...
440
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:22,192
of that weird lady at the supermarket.
441
00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:24,555
Oh, yeah, I know her. Let's hear it.
442
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,676
Okay. Um...
443
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:30,196
"It's cheaper if
you buy two jars of pickles."
444
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:35,559
- It's like she's right here.
- Yeah.
445
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:37,232
- Totally like she's right here.
- Yeah.
446
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:39,072
It's not what she sounds like.
447
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:44,669
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