1 00:00:09,223 --> 00:00:12,087 Whites 1x03 2 00:00:12,088 --> 00:00:14,996 Sync and corrections www.addic7ed.com 3 00:00:21,891 --> 00:00:23,113 ♪ 4 00:00:42,132 --> 00:00:43,591 - Good morning. - Good morning. 5 00:00:43,904 --> 00:00:45,744 This is a beatiful spot. 6 00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:47,585 Yeah, yeah. I suppose so. 7 00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:49,634 Bit creepy though. 8 00:00:49,964 --> 00:00:51,525 The previous owner's wife 9 00:00:51,820 --> 00:00:55,260 - she hanged herself round here somewhere. - Oh! Er... 10 00:00:55,295 --> 00:00:57,145 Still, pretty. 11 00:00:57,180 --> 00:01:00,980 Yeah. Yeah, they scattered her ashes all around here 12 00:01:01,015 --> 00:01:03,100 and then built her a bench. 13 00:01:04,180 --> 00:01:06,217 Odd choice of memorial, I've always thought, 14 00:01:06,252 --> 00:01:09,498 cos obviously, she'd have needed some sort of chair to... 15 00:01:10,140 --> 00:01:13,980 Oh. I feel a bit awful now. I've been dropping my ash everywhere. 16 00:01:14,015 --> 00:01:16,540 Oh, she won't mind. Keep her company. 17 00:01:16,575 --> 00:01:18,477 I'm Alison. 18 00:01:18,512 --> 00:01:20,345 Roland. 19 00:01:20,380 --> 00:01:22,020 - Hi. - Hi. 20 00:01:24,900 --> 00:01:29,180 Well, I'd better get to work, so I'll leave you in the capable hands of... 21 00:01:30,300 --> 00:01:33,020 "..Colonel Peter Everett, A Lifelong Villager". 22 00:01:34,020 --> 00:01:35,500 The wrong bench. 23 00:01:51,580 --> 00:01:54,220 Seen that? They've got one of those outside. 24 00:01:54,255 --> 00:01:57,780 Does 228 miles per hour. 25 00:01:57,815 --> 00:01:59,773 Must be handy, 26 00:01:59,808 --> 00:02:02,701 seeing as our national speed limit is 70 miles an hour. 27 00:02:02,736 --> 00:02:05,618 Take it on the autobahn. 28 00:02:05,653 --> 00:02:08,500 Yes, of course. In Germany. 29 00:02:09,860 --> 00:02:12,720 Skoose, I can see how excited you are by Hot Car magazine. 30 00:02:12,755 --> 00:02:15,580 - How many canapes have you actually done? - Oh, erm... 31 00:02:16,620 --> 00:02:19,940 COUNTS TO HIMSELF 32 00:02:27,540 --> 00:02:29,745 14. 33 00:02:29,780 --> 00:02:32,260 14?! 14? 34 00:02:32,295 --> 00:02:33,785 14? 35 00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:37,020 You do realise we've got to get through 800 of these, yes? 36 00:02:37,055 --> 00:02:40,220 I know. Boring, innit? So what DO you drive? Three-wheeler? 37 00:02:40,255 --> 00:02:42,105 No. 38 00:02:42,140 --> 00:02:43,700 I drive a Hyundai Accent. 39 00:02:43,735 --> 00:02:45,025 - HE SMIRKS - What? 40 00:02:45,060 --> 00:02:47,460 Nothing. It's just they're shit. 41 00:02:47,495 --> 00:02:49,825 Yeah, they are shit, aren't they? 44 00:02:58,940 --> 00:03:02,465 Wow. That must get you laid. 45 00:03:02,500 --> 00:03:05,460 Married, Skoose. Don't need to get laid. 46 00:03:05,495 --> 00:03:08,385 I tried to steal a car when I was 14. 47 00:03:08,420 --> 00:03:11,060 There was an Alsatian sleeping in the back. 48 00:03:13,460 --> 00:03:15,060 16 stitches. 49 00:03:16,060 --> 00:03:17,865 Hm. 50 00:03:17,900 --> 00:03:20,660 And the wheel of justice turns. Hm? 51 00:03:28,260 --> 00:03:30,220 Missed a bit. 52 00:03:30,255 --> 00:03:31,825 What? 53 00:03:31,860 --> 00:03:34,625 Nothing, just said... you're doing a great job. 54 00:03:34,660 --> 00:03:37,860 - What, you think I wash cars, do ya? - Well, only cos you're... 55 00:03:37,895 --> 00:03:40,340 - I'm a kick boxer, I am. - Good. 56 00:03:42,620 --> 00:03:45,265 Didn't expect that one, did you? 57 00:03:45,300 --> 00:03:46,999 - No, I didn't. - You here for the car thing? 58 00:03:47,133 --> 00:03:50,140 - No, I'm the head chef. - Oh. You got any knives on you? 59 00:03:50,175 --> 00:03:52,380 They're in the kitchen. 60 00:03:52,415 --> 00:03:54,065 Locked up. 61 00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:55,980 This is the test car, this is. 62 00:03:56,015 --> 00:03:57,825 It's my job to keep it clean. 63 00:03:57,860 --> 00:03:59,012 In case people want to have a drive in it. 64 00:03:59,047 --> 00:04:01,335 Do you want to have a drive in it? I've got the keys. 65 00:04:02,500 --> 00:04:03,640 Maybe later. 66 00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:05,719 Thanks anyway. 67 00:04:10,260 --> 00:04:12,465 ♪ We built this city 68 00:04:12,500 --> 00:04:16,580 ♪ We built this city on rock'n'roll 69 00:04:16,615 --> 00:04:19,185 ♪ Ohhh-oooh! 70 00:04:19,220 --> 00:04:24,460 ♪ Someone's always playing corporation games 71 00:04:24,495 --> 00:04:25,945 ♪ Someone... ♪ 72 00:04:25,980 --> 00:04:28,065 - All right? - Yeah, good. How are you? 73 00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:30,900 Yeah, good. Just getting the stuff for your demo. 74 00:04:30,935 --> 00:04:33,700 What actually is "Aslan fusion"? 75 00:04:33,735 --> 00:04:35,265 Asian. 76 00:04:35,300 --> 00:04:36,945 Yeah, but what is it? 77 00:04:36,980 --> 00:04:39,705 No, that says "Asian fusion", not "ASLAN fusion". 78 00:04:39,740 --> 00:04:42,067 Why would there be something called "Aslan fusion"? 79 00:04:42,102 --> 00:04:43,190 I don't know. You wrote it. 80 00:04:43,575 --> 00:04:46,265 No, I wrote "Asian fus..." Forget it. 81 00:04:46,300 --> 00:04:49,820 Listen, still OK without me for a couple of hours? 82 00:04:49,855 --> 00:04:51,305 When? 83 00:04:51,340 --> 00:04:54,060 This afternoon. My appointment. 84 00:04:54,095 --> 00:04:56,185 Oh, the old... 85 00:04:56,220 --> 00:04:57,991 The fertility clinic, yes. 86 00:04:58,026 --> 00:05:01,138 If you absolutely have to go, Bib, not much I can do about it, is there? 87 00:05:01,495 --> 00:05:03,345 Well, I do... Yes, we... 88 00:05:03,380 --> 00:05:05,730 Yeah, we're trying to have a baby and it's not happening, Roland, 89 00:05:05,765 --> 00:05:07,584 and we do need to find out why, so... 90 00:05:07,619 --> 00:05:12,060 We've tried all the other stuff... Chinese herbs and lunar charts 91 00:05:12,095 --> 00:05:14,077 and ovulation sex... 92 00:05:14,112 --> 00:05:16,025 Ovul... What's that? 93 00:05:16,060 --> 00:05:21,180 It's just... It's where you and your wife only have sexual intercourse 94 00:05:21,215 --> 00:05:25,460 when the lady is cresting, during her ovulation cycle. 95 00:05:25,495 --> 00:05:26,381 Wow. 96 00:05:27,102 --> 00:05:28,513 Maybe you should get a different wife. 97 00:05:28,775 --> 00:05:31,540 Yeah. Very good. Very helpful. 98 00:05:32,615 --> 00:05:34,220 You're nervous. 99 00:05:55,900 --> 00:05:58,240 You're nervous. There's no need to be. 100 00:05:58,275 --> 00:06:00,580 You've done it a million times before. 101 00:06:00,615 --> 00:06:03,425 Nice warm room, mood lighting. 102 00:06:03,460 --> 00:06:06,180 I've heard they give you literature. 103 00:06:07,220 --> 00:06:08,481 Literature? 104 00:06:09,340 --> 00:06:13,100 Yeah. Tit mags. Not The Kite Runner. 105 00:06:13,135 --> 00:06:15,065 See? The whole thing is weird. 106 00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:19,460 Cubicles, magazines. It's like some nightmarish Nazi sex facility. 107 00:06:19,495 --> 00:06:21,025 - Do it here, then. - What? 108 00:06:21,060 --> 00:06:25,025 What is it, 30 minutes, natural life of a sperm cell? Just do it here, drop it off. 109 00:06:25,060 --> 00:06:26,906 My mate Dave Spicer, he knocked one out at home, 110 00:06:26,941 --> 00:06:28,752 got his adopted son to drop it off on his bike. 111 00:06:30,135 --> 00:06:31,561 Can you do that? 112 00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:33,406 There you go. 113 00:06:33,441 --> 00:06:34,540 Good morning, chefs. 114 00:06:34,660 --> 00:06:37,625 - Good morning, Caroline. You look all fresh. - Thank you. 115 00:06:37,660 --> 00:06:39,733 - Had your face peeled? - No. You had yours inflated? 116 00:06:39,768 --> 00:06:43,625 - Hear that, Bib? - Yes. It's like an episode of Moonlighting. 117 00:06:43,660 --> 00:06:47,260 Ah, if only you were Bruce Willis. Or anyone, really. Bruce Forsyth. 118 00:06:47,295 --> 00:06:49,385 I need the canapes for the function, 119 00:06:49,420 --> 00:06:52,900 and you need to be in the marquee to set up your mise en place for the demo. 120 00:06:52,935 --> 00:06:56,380 Want to come and watch? I'm doing some fancy moves. Might get you going. 121 00:06:56,415 --> 00:06:58,980 Oh, sadly, I've got a restaurant to run. 122 00:06:59,015 --> 00:07:00,145 But do video it for me 123 00:07:00,180 --> 00:07:03,300 so that I can pleasure myself to it later in the bath. 124 00:07:05,980 --> 00:07:07,665 Right, stick Skoose in charge. 125 00:07:07,700 --> 00:07:10,680 I'll meet you in the marquee in five. 126 00:07:10,715 --> 00:07:13,625 So, er, what exactly is "Aslan fusion"? 127 00:07:13,660 --> 00:07:17,620 It's your classic cuisine from CS Lewis's The Narnia Chronicles. 128 00:07:17,655 --> 00:07:22,860 So there's stag, holly, slices of horn... 129 00:07:22,895 --> 00:07:25,580 Right, Skoose, you're in char... 130 00:07:39,780 --> 00:07:44,305 OK, now this is a very simple, very beautiful Thai noodle dish. 131 00:07:44,340 --> 00:07:47,006 It's made with shiitake mushrooms and baby corn, 132 00:07:47,041 --> 00:07:49,665 from a recipe that I picked up when I was over in Bangkok. 133 00:07:49,700 --> 00:07:53,500 And I can tell you, lads, this one is very popular with the ladies. 134 00:07:53,535 --> 00:07:57,300 Or as I found out later that evening, with a ladyboy. LAUGHTER 135 00:07:57,335 --> 00:07:58,745 I know! 136 00:07:58,780 --> 00:08:00,340 You OK there, Celia? 137 00:08:00,375 --> 00:08:01,690 Hm? 138 00:08:01,725 --> 00:08:03,520 Oh, yes. Thank you. 139 00:08:04,935 --> 00:08:06,745 Do you sell cars? 140 00:08:06,780 --> 00:08:09,985 No, no, I'm Roland's sous chef, Bib. 141 00:08:10,020 --> 00:08:13,380 Worked here for years. We've met 50, 60 times. 142 00:08:13,415 --> 00:08:16,837 Of course! I didn't recognise you in your... 143 00:08:16,872 --> 00:08:20,260 No, of course. Yes, it must be confusing. 144 00:08:20,295 --> 00:08:22,290 He's good, isn't he? 145 00:08:23,055 --> 00:08:24,402 Yes, he is. 146 00:08:25,060 --> 00:08:28,140 All this Chinese-y stuff. Very exotic. 147 00:08:28,847 --> 00:08:31,197 My Jack used to say there are two things 148 00:08:31,232 --> 00:08:34,220 the Asians do better than anyone else... 149 00:08:34,255 --> 00:08:35,540 food and whores. 150 00:08:35,575 --> 00:08:37,693 APPLAUSE 151 00:08:37,728 --> 00:08:40,122 Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes. 152 00:08:43,780 --> 00:08:47,591 - I've had to wear it since I was about eleven. - It's really pretty. 153 00:08:48,335 --> 00:08:51,340 I wish I was allergic to penicillin. 154 00:08:52,420 --> 00:08:54,180 Oi, Axel. Come here. 155 00:09:01,580 --> 00:09:04,580 - Yeah? - What do you call this? 156 00:09:04,615 --> 00:09:07,385 Erm, a hollandaise. 157 00:09:07,420 --> 00:09:10,500 Is it? Looks like custard. 158 00:09:10,535 --> 00:09:12,145 Do it again, Mr Bean. 159 00:09:12,180 --> 00:09:15,620 Whoa. All right. Why are you being a dick? 160 00:09:15,655 --> 00:09:19,740 "Why am I being a dick... 161 00:09:19,775 --> 00:09:20,980 "chef"?! 162 00:09:33,380 --> 00:09:36,060 - All right, Kiki? - Wow. 163 00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:39,345 I've been left in charge. 164 00:09:39,380 --> 00:09:43,220 Have you? I could tell there was something different about you. 165 00:09:43,255 --> 00:09:47,060 - It's like you look taller or something. - That's probably the hat. 166 00:09:47,095 --> 00:09:49,580 Maybe. Take it off. 167 00:09:51,460 --> 00:09:53,440 Oh, yeah, it is the hat. 168 00:09:53,475 --> 00:09:55,420 You look really weird now. 169 00:09:55,455 --> 00:09:57,625 Tiny head. 170 00:09:57,660 --> 00:09:59,980 You look like a little baby bird. Put it back on. 171 00:10:03,740 --> 00:10:07,385 That's better. Normal head. 172 00:10:07,420 --> 00:10:11,740 Oh, I would absolutely love a hat like that. 173 00:10:17,140 --> 00:10:20,900 I'm not going to miss it, baby, I promise. 174 00:10:20,935 --> 00:10:22,625 Erm, what? 175 00:10:22,660 --> 00:10:27,180 No, that's fine, they've got magazines. 176 00:10:27,215 --> 00:10:29,140 Well, I have to look at something. 177 00:10:30,940 --> 00:10:33,060 I don't have a picture of you, baby. 178 00:10:34,580 --> 00:10:36,580 Yeah, excellent, text me one. 179 00:10:42,180 --> 00:10:44,700 Who am I? Who's this? 180 00:10:46,220 --> 00:10:48,385 - Tommy Cooper. - No! 181 00:10:48,420 --> 00:10:52,580 I'll give you a clue. I'm from Boston. 182 00:10:52,615 --> 00:10:54,697 The Boston Strangler? 183 00:10:54,732 --> 00:10:56,780 Very good! Ten points. 184 00:10:58,300 --> 00:11:01,353 Be good though, wouldn't they, for strangling women? 185 00:11:02,255 --> 00:11:04,385 Yes, yes, they would. 186 00:11:04,420 --> 00:11:06,180 The car boys just gave them to me. 187 00:11:06,215 --> 00:11:08,057 For free. 188 00:11:08,092 --> 00:11:09,900 Calf's belly. 189 00:11:09,935 --> 00:11:12,100 Feel. 190 00:11:14,740 --> 00:11:17,980 Roland, I've absolutely got to get going. I've had Sarah on... 191 00:11:18,015 --> 00:11:20,260 Yeah, all right. All right, balloon bollocks. 192 00:11:20,295 --> 00:11:22,220 Off you go, then. Think of England. 193 00:11:23,142 --> 00:11:24,226 - OK. - Yeah. 194 00:11:24,261 --> 00:11:25,311 Yep. I'm doing it. 195 00:11:25,346 --> 00:11:26,065 Mm-hm. 196 00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:28,545 - Wait. - What? 197 00:11:28,580 --> 00:11:30,260 I've been chopping chillies. 198 00:11:30,295 --> 00:11:33,340 - I can't... - Yeah. 199 00:11:35,260 --> 00:11:37,985 - Erm, Celia? - Yes, darling? 200 00:11:38,020 --> 00:11:42,940 Could Bib borrow your lovely new driving gloves? 201 00:11:42,975 --> 00:11:45,260 Of course he can. You going somewhere nice? 202 00:11:45,295 --> 00:11:46,865 Not really. 203 00:11:46,900 --> 00:11:49,060 They're calf's belly. 204 00:11:49,095 --> 00:11:50,620 Very soft. 205 00:12:11,460 --> 00:12:13,385 Going to have a wank in that? 206 00:12:13,420 --> 00:12:16,080 What? How...? Why would you say that? 207 00:12:16,115 --> 00:12:18,740 Just a guess. You are, though, aren't ya? 208 00:12:18,775 --> 00:12:21,825 That is insane! 209 00:12:21,860 --> 00:12:25,260 This is for a peanut sauce that I'm... making. 210 00:12:25,295 --> 00:12:28,020 Not made much. No, I haven't made much. 211 00:12:28,055 --> 00:12:29,545 And why would I, 212 00:12:29,580 --> 00:12:32,020 if this is for a trial taste test? 213 00:12:32,055 --> 00:12:34,460 Why you wearing driving gloves? 214 00:12:35,980 --> 00:12:37,780 Allergic to peanuts. 215 00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:02,500 No! 216 00:13:04,420 --> 00:13:07,340 No, no, no, no, no, no! 217 00:13:18,260 --> 00:13:20,225 It's broken. 218 00:13:20,260 --> 00:13:22,860 Hm? Look. Stupid key is broken. 219 00:13:22,895 --> 00:13:25,460 I need to get to the clinic. 220 00:13:25,495 --> 00:13:28,225 Get Skoose to run you. 221 00:13:28,260 --> 00:13:31,465 - All right, then, take a golf buggy. - To a fertility clinic? 222 00:13:31,500 --> 00:13:32,284 It's only up the road. 223 00:13:32,319 --> 00:13:35,242 Good idea, cos I was thinking that the whole 224 00:13:35,277 --> 00:13:38,435 "going to a municipal building to hand a woman I've never met before 225 00:13:38,470 --> 00:13:41,283 "a cup of my still-warm semen" might not be humiliating enough. 226 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,523 - Just a suggestion. - Well... 227 00:13:44,415 --> 00:13:45,985 I've got another suggestion. 228 00:13:46,020 --> 00:13:49,140 Why don't we call my nan, see if she wants to come along for the ride? 229 00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:55,220 I think I may be able to help you, Bib. Just give me five minutes? 230 00:13:55,255 --> 00:13:58,860 Five minutes? Roland, I haven't got fi... The clock is ticking. 231 00:13:58,895 --> 00:14:00,537 Just knock out another one. 232 00:14:00,572 --> 00:14:02,180 Another one? What are you... 233 00:14:02,215 --> 00:14:03,825 I'm not Tom Jones! 234 00:14:03,860 --> 00:14:09,260 Come on, there's always a bit left in the old tank for emergencies. 235 00:14:14,380 --> 00:14:16,340 ENGINE REVS 236 00:14:29,340 --> 00:14:32,700 - Going my way? - Oh, hello again. 237 00:14:35,340 --> 00:14:38,706 - Nice car. - Yes. Yes, it is indeed. 238 00:14:38,741 --> 00:14:40,506 Pretty quick, these things. 239 00:14:40,541 --> 00:14:43,355 I don't know if you know anything about cars at all. 240 00:14:43,992 --> 00:14:48,700 Air bags both sides, twin valves, overhead cam shaft. 241 00:14:48,735 --> 00:14:51,980 Does nought to 60 very quickly. 242 00:14:52,015 --> 00:14:55,420 - Right. - Listen to this... 243 00:14:55,455 --> 00:14:57,545 CREAKING 244 00:14:57,580 --> 00:14:59,022 That's leather. 245 00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:01,700 Wow, you really know your cars. 246 00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:03,220 Uh-huh. 247 00:15:03,940 --> 00:15:06,100 MUSIC BOOMS ON RADIO 248 00:15:13,500 --> 00:15:14,940 TURNS RADIO OFF 249 00:15:17,580 --> 00:15:21,340 Loud. Have to get that fixed. 250 00:15:22,340 --> 00:15:25,380 Congratulations on your demo, by the way. 251 00:15:25,415 --> 00:15:27,237 Oh, you saw that? 252 00:15:27,272 --> 00:15:29,025 You were very funny. 253 00:15:29,060 --> 00:15:32,580 Thank you. So you work for these guys, then? 254 00:15:32,615 --> 00:15:35,260 I'm head of European promotion. 255 00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:38,665 Wow. 256 00:15:38,700 --> 00:15:43,900 Yeah, I booked the whole thing - this place, all these cars, 257 00:15:43,935 --> 00:15:46,505 you... 258 00:15:46,540 --> 00:15:49,200 Well, thank you. 259 00:15:49,235 --> 00:15:51,825 You're welcome. 260 00:15:51,860 --> 00:15:56,600 Well, since you've booked me, er, perhaps I could cook you dinner tonight? 261 00:15:56,635 --> 00:16:01,340 - Well, we have paid for the whole day, so... - No, I mean a special dinner. 262 00:16:01,375 --> 00:16:05,220 Just for you. Separate table, away from all the plebs. 263 00:16:05,255 --> 00:16:07,220 That would be nice. 264 00:16:07,255 --> 00:16:08,740 Thank you. 265 00:16:09,740 --> 00:16:11,300 BANGING 266 00:16:18,860 --> 00:16:20,785 That it, then? 267 00:16:20,820 --> 00:16:23,220 - Yes. Yes, it is. - Get much? 268 00:16:23,255 --> 00:16:24,665 Fair bit. 269 00:16:24,700 --> 00:16:28,820 - Told ya. How were the gloves? - Can we just drive? 270 00:16:30,860 --> 00:16:32,900 Amazing, innit? 271 00:16:32,935 --> 00:16:34,905 The serum of life. 272 00:16:34,940 --> 00:16:37,250 Just think, there could be millions of little Bibs in there. 273 00:16:38,175 --> 00:16:40,256 I suppose for you, just one would be nice. 274 00:16:41,975 --> 00:16:44,185 Why don't you work? 275 00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:47,660 Swim, you little bastards. Stop giving your old man a hard time. 276 00:16:47,695 --> 00:16:50,660 OK, suddenly got a bit weird. 277 00:16:50,695 --> 00:16:52,985 BRAKES SCREECH 278 00:16:53,020 --> 00:16:55,260 DUCKS QUACK - Ahhh...! - Argh. - Aaah. 279 00:16:55,295 --> 00:16:58,860 - Eeeurgh. - Aaah. Eeeeeuurh. 280 00:17:06,300 --> 00:17:11,780 - Right, Kiki, we've got 63 in today, so... - Hello, Calorine. 281 00:17:11,815 --> 00:17:14,465 My name's Hank Da Handkerchief. 282 00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:18,180 All right. Yes. If we could just fold them into rectangles... 283 00:17:18,215 --> 00:17:21,220 Please don't fold me into a rectangleesz. 284 00:17:21,255 --> 00:17:23,345 Kiki... It kills me. 285 00:17:23,380 --> 00:17:25,142 - Right, give me that. - No, stop, you're hurting me! 286 00:17:25,177 --> 00:17:28,580 - Give me... - You're pulling my hair! Ow! Ow! 287 00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:30,497 Ow! 288 00:17:30,532 --> 00:17:32,216 Ah! 289 00:17:32,251 --> 00:17:33,865 Ah! 290 00:17:33,900 --> 00:17:36,900 KIKI WHIMPERS 291 00:17:41,897 --> 00:17:45,593 SHE EXHALES SLOWLY 292 00:17:51,260 --> 00:17:53,000 Do you think they got enough? 293 00:17:53,035 --> 00:17:54,705 You know, to do their tests? 294 00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:56,014 Yeah, course. They only need a couple, don't they? 295 00:17:56,049 --> 00:17:59,383 - How did it feel? - What? 296 00:17:59,418 --> 00:18:01,985 Nice, innit? 297 00:18:02,020 --> 00:18:04,145 Oh, the car! Yes. 298 00:18:04,180 --> 00:18:06,140 Yeah, good. Nice. Brilliant. Red. 299 00:18:06,175 --> 00:18:07,665 Lovely and fast. 300 00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:11,140 I'm a kick boxer, I am. 301 00:18:11,175 --> 00:18:14,025 Good. 302 00:18:14,060 --> 00:18:15,540 You a chef an' all? 303 00:18:17,860 --> 00:18:19,460 What's your favourite food? 304 00:18:19,495 --> 00:18:21,745 Er, grilled sea bass. 305 00:18:21,780 --> 00:18:23,175 - Second favourite food? - Lemon tart. 306 00:18:23,210 --> 00:18:25,825 - First favourite drink? - We've got to get back to the kitchen. 307 00:18:35,100 --> 00:18:36,620 Oi, what's this on the seat? 308 00:18:36,655 --> 00:18:38,585 What? 309 00:18:38,620 --> 00:18:41,367 - A big mark on the leather. - That was there when we got in. 310 00:18:41,402 --> 00:18:43,383 It's not coming out! 311 00:18:54,020 --> 00:18:56,905 Check on, chef. 312 00:18:56,940 --> 00:18:57,834 Listen up, ca marche. 313 00:18:57,869 --> 00:19:01,237 Two veal, one John Dory, two ravioli, one duck terrine, yes? 314 00:19:01,272 --> 00:19:04,500 - ALL: Yes, chef. - Check on, chef. 315 00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:08,453 On order, three monkfish, 316 00:19:08,488 --> 00:19:11,289 one beef medium, yes? ALL: Yes, chef. 317 00:19:14,380 --> 00:19:15,905 Looks good. What you making? 318 00:19:15,940 --> 00:19:18,362 I'm doing Wagyu beef with a garlic shallot confit 319 00:19:18,397 --> 00:19:20,890 and a stack of boulanger potatoes. 320 00:19:21,095 --> 00:19:24,020 - Wow. That your dinner? - No. 321 00:19:25,540 --> 00:19:28,260 - Is it for Alison? - Might be. 322 00:19:29,260 --> 00:19:31,265 Look at you, pulling out the big guns. 323 00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:33,865 Haven't seen you this gaga over a lady since... 324 00:19:33,900 --> 00:19:37,900 I'm only making her a meal, Bib. It's hardly a proposal. 325 00:19:37,935 --> 00:19:39,825 Chef's got a girlfriend! 326 00:19:39,860 --> 00:19:43,260 ALL: Oooh! Yes, all right, boys, thank you. 327 00:19:43,295 --> 00:19:44,665 Because we're all twelve. 328 00:19:44,700 --> 00:19:47,225 Maybe I'll get to snog her later down at the disco. 329 00:19:47,260 --> 00:19:51,060 Or if I'm really lucky, I get to finger her behind the big bins. 330 00:19:51,095 --> 00:19:52,330 Hello, Caroline. 331 00:19:53,540 --> 00:19:55,225 The function are being seated. 332 00:19:55,260 --> 00:19:57,865 - Can I have the entrees, please? - Yep. 333 00:19:57,900 --> 00:20:01,820 And Alison Harries is with them but saying something about a separate table. 334 00:20:01,855 --> 00:20:03,665 Yeah. 335 00:20:03,700 --> 00:20:04,972 Erm, give her table six. And 336 00:20:05,007 --> 00:20:07,639 send out a bottle of Cristal, compliments of the chef. 337 00:20:07,674 --> 00:20:10,324 - What? - A little gift from me. I'm paying. 338 00:20:10,359 --> 00:20:14,133 - It's 180 quid a bottle. - Really? 339 00:20:14,140 --> 00:20:17,780 - What have we got around 70 quid? - Moet. A bottle of Moet. 340 00:20:17,815 --> 00:20:20,300 Service! 341 00:20:27,420 --> 00:20:29,300 You won't be needing that. 342 00:20:29,335 --> 00:20:32,545 - Won't I? - Not tonight. 343 00:20:32,580 --> 00:20:35,620 As promised, I've prepared you something very special. 344 00:20:35,655 --> 00:20:38,137 - OK... - Trust me? 345 00:20:38,172 --> 00:20:40,620 Sure. Why not? 346 00:20:42,180 --> 00:20:43,980 You look amazing. 347 00:20:44,015 --> 00:20:45,700 Sorry. 348 00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:52,180 Compliments of the chef. 349 00:20:52,215 --> 00:20:53,780 Me. 350 00:20:55,340 --> 00:20:59,220 - Bib, that VIP entree? I want see it before it goes out, yeah? - Yes, chef. 351 00:21:02,740 --> 00:21:04,785 - Hello. - Hello. 352 00:21:04,820 --> 00:21:06,585 Planning on doing any work today? 353 00:21:06,620 --> 00:21:09,600 - What? - Well, you've been gone half the afternoon already, 354 00:21:09,635 --> 00:21:12,545 leaving Skoose in charge of the kitchen, might I add, 355 00:21:12,580 --> 00:21:14,507 which, to me, seems a bit like leaving Keith Moon 356 00:21:14,542 --> 00:21:16,400 at the controls of a helicopter gunship, and now 357 00:21:16,435 --> 00:21:20,486 you seem to be planning on spending the entire evening fraternising with a guest. 358 00:21:20,521 --> 00:21:25,020 Don't worry Caroline. I'll take you out one night. What's your scene? 359 00:21:25,055 --> 00:21:28,660 Indoor climbing, scampi at a lesbian pub? 360 00:21:31,540 --> 00:21:35,185 - Look, just be careful, Roland. - Pardon? 361 00:21:35,220 --> 00:21:38,580 - Alison Harries is a lovely girl. - Yeah, I know she is. 362 00:21:38,615 --> 00:21:42,105 So... don't be a dick. 363 00:21:42,891 --> 00:21:45,785 - OK. - Just treat her like a normal person. 364 00:21:45,820 --> 00:21:49,700 - She IS a normal person, Caroline. - Exactly. That's all I'm saying. 365 00:21:49,735 --> 00:21:51,740 Don't make a big issue of it. 366 00:21:51,775 --> 00:21:53,425 She's very sensitive. 367 00:21:53,460 --> 00:21:58,620 - Don't make any silly jokes. And don't stare at it. - Hm? 368 00:21:58,655 --> 00:22:00,540 Stare at what? 369 00:22:02,060 --> 00:22:04,340 Oh, for God's sake, Roland... 370 00:22:04,375 --> 00:22:06,185 What? 371 00:22:06,220 --> 00:22:07,740 The missing limb. 372 00:22:10,340 --> 00:22:13,065 The... What? 373 00:22:13,100 --> 00:22:16,020 Can I take your sweater, madam? 374 00:22:16,055 --> 00:22:17,620 No, I'm fine, thank you. 375 00:22:21,020 --> 00:22:22,460 SERVICE! 376 00:22:28,780 --> 00:22:30,340 She's got one arm. 377 00:22:31,136 --> 00:22:32,105 Hm? 378 00:22:32,140 --> 00:22:34,825 She's only got one arm. 379 00:22:34,860 --> 00:22:38,780 - Who's... Who's only got one arm? - Alison, the lady that I like. 380 00:22:38,815 --> 00:22:42,660 OK! Is that a problem? Why would that be a problem? 381 00:22:42,695 --> 00:22:46,825 Well, because she's only got one arm. 382 00:22:46,860 --> 00:22:50,620 It doesn't matter, does it? Who cares if she's got only one arm? 383 00:22:50,655 --> 00:22:53,177 It doesn't make her any less pretty, does it? 384 00:22:53,212 --> 00:22:55,796 Doesn't make her any less funny or clever, 385 00:22:55,831 --> 00:22:58,380 all those things you said she was in the car. 386 00:22:58,415 --> 00:23:00,220 Doesn't make her any less of a woman. 387 00:23:00,255 --> 00:23:02,185 A little bit less. 388 00:23:02,220 --> 00:23:05,380 - I thought you said you like her. - Yeah, I do. I do like her. 389 00:23:05,415 --> 00:23:08,540 Well then. what's the problem? What are you waiting for? 390 00:23:08,575 --> 00:23:10,677 Don't be such a silly. 391 00:23:10,712 --> 00:23:12,566 Take the lady her dinner. 392 00:23:12,601 --> 00:23:14,385 Yeah. No, you're right, Bib. 393 00:23:14,420 --> 00:23:16,260 Who cares about that? It's only an arm. 394 00:23:16,295 --> 00:23:18,477 - She's got another one. - There you go! 395 00:23:18,512 --> 00:23:20,646 - This the girl with the cardie? - Yeah. 396 00:23:20,681 --> 00:23:22,745 She's fit, chef. Nice-looking woman. 397 00:23:22,780 --> 00:23:25,460 - I'd get her down on all threes. - Service! 398 00:23:27,900 --> 00:23:31,305 - Hi. - Hello again. 399 00:23:31,340 --> 00:23:35,580 - How's the bread? - Really nice. 400 00:23:35,615 --> 00:23:37,905 Good. Good. 401 00:23:37,940 --> 00:23:39,540 What a lovely cardigan. 402 00:23:39,575 --> 00:23:41,545 Thanks. 403 00:23:41,580 --> 00:23:44,160 Really nice. Really nice cardigan. 404 00:23:44,195 --> 00:23:46,740 What colour would you call that? 405 00:23:46,775 --> 00:23:49,097 Green. Green. 406 00:23:49,132 --> 00:23:51,385 Good old green. 407 00:23:51,420 --> 00:23:53,820 Do you mind if I...? 408 00:23:53,855 --> 00:23:55,937 That's gorgeous. 409 00:23:55,972 --> 00:23:58,020 Yes. You said. 410 00:23:59,860 --> 00:24:01,520 Kiki! Excellent. 411 00:24:01,555 --> 00:24:03,567 Your dinner, madam. 412 00:24:03,602 --> 00:24:05,545 Ooh! What could it be? 413 00:24:05,580 --> 00:24:08,860 Like I said, a special meal for a special lady. 414 00:24:14,820 --> 00:24:16,665 Wow. 415 00:24:16,700 --> 00:24:18,385 Wagyu beef. 416 00:24:18,420 --> 00:24:20,260 Best in the world. 417 00:24:20,295 --> 00:24:21,724 Right. 418 00:24:22,900 --> 00:24:27,220 And do you normally cut it up into bite-sized cubes? 419 00:24:28,740 --> 00:24:30,260 Just thought it'd be easier. 420 00:24:30,295 --> 00:24:31,865 Easier? 421 00:24:31,900 --> 00:24:35,145 - Y'know, with the old... - Are you joking? 422 00:24:35,180 --> 00:24:38,985 Hm? Well, cutting up my food for me, like I'm a child. 423 00:24:39,580 --> 00:24:43,264 - No, I just thought... - Roland, I broker multimillion-pound deals every week. 424 00:24:43,299 --> 00:24:45,188 I am capable of cutting up my own food. 425 00:24:45,223 --> 00:24:46,442 How? 426 00:24:48,100 --> 00:24:50,665 I mean, it's not risotto, is it? 427 00:24:50,700 --> 00:24:52,752 Some of these steaks can be tough customers. 428 00:24:52,787 --> 00:24:55,269 Roland, thank you. That's very sweet. 429 00:24:55,815 --> 00:24:58,500 But I'd rather just be treated like a normal person. 430 00:24:58,535 --> 00:25:01,540 I think you are a normal person. 431 00:25:01,575 --> 00:25:02,980 I didn't even notice it. 432 00:25:03,015 --> 00:25:04,865 - "It"? - Seriously. 433 00:25:04,900 --> 00:25:09,080 I wouldn't even have even known till somebody in the kitchen told me. 434 00:25:09,115 --> 00:25:12,165 I admit initially I probably had the same reaction as most people, 435 00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:13,546 bit of a freak-out, 436 00:25:14,510 --> 00:25:18,257 but chatted it over with my sous chef, and I feel much better about it. 437 00:25:18,615 --> 00:25:21,303 - You had a little chat, did you? - Yep. 438 00:25:21,655 --> 00:25:23,385 And you know what? 439 00:25:23,420 --> 00:25:26,740 I realised something about myself, Alison Harries. 440 00:25:28,540 --> 00:25:31,140 It's not a problem for me. 441 00:25:31,175 --> 00:25:33,260 I'm OK with it. 442 00:25:34,820 --> 00:25:37,305 Wow. 443 00:25:37,340 --> 00:25:40,100 What a relief. 444 00:25:40,135 --> 00:25:42,825 Where you going? 445 00:25:42,860 --> 00:25:45,460 I think I just lost my appetite. 446 00:25:45,495 --> 00:25:46,452 - What? Why? - Goodbye, Roland. 447 00:25:46,487 --> 00:25:51,220 No, Alison, look... I didn't know what to say. I didn't mean... 448 00:25:51,255 --> 00:25:52,820 I just think that you're really... 449 00:25:55,540 --> 00:25:58,385 - ... brave. - Excuse me? 450 00:25:58,420 --> 00:26:01,660 With you and everything... 451 00:26:02,700 --> 00:26:04,385 You mean this? 452 00:26:04,420 --> 00:26:05,945 Oh, there she blows. 453 00:26:05,980 --> 00:26:09,851 Roland, this happened when I came off a jet ski in Gran Canaria when I was 22. 454 00:26:10,489 --> 00:26:12,074 How is that brave? 455 00:26:15,180 --> 00:26:17,740 Jet skiing. That's brave. 456 00:27:19,780 --> 00:27:21,700 How does she change gear? 457 00:27:26,300 --> 00:27:29,860 - How are we looking for the health and safety assessment? - Oh, good. Fine. 458 00:27:29,895 --> 00:27:31,151 Got rid of the dead body. 459 00:27:31,344 --> 00:27:34,071 - Scrub the fridge. - No. - Scrub it! 460 00:27:34,721 --> 00:27:37,125 - Please. - What exactly is this? 461 00:27:37,185 --> 00:27:39,182 It's a magical snail archer. 462 00:27:39,580 --> 00:27:41,945 I can see yes, but what's he doing in my reservations book? 463 00:27:41,980 --> 00:27:45,780 - What is wrong with you today, Bib? - I need to go on holiday with my wife. 464 00:27:45,815 --> 00:27:47,465 Where you going? Gayland? 465 00:27:47,500 --> 00:27:48,683 What's the worst that can happen? 466 00:27:48,718 --> 00:27:49,657 The worst that can happen 467 00:27:49,692 --> 00:27:53,340 is that you'll be closed down and prosecuted. 468 00:27:53,375 --> 00:27:55,545 Where do you want this fella? 469 00:27:55,580 --> 00:27:59,820 I'm sure there are no ants in our kitchen. 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