[MlKE SCATTlNG]
Are you wearing cologne?
Yeah, I dabbed a little smell-good behind my earlobes.
Hmm. It's nice. Kind of a leathery, mesquite sort of deal.
Like a barbecued baseball glove.
[MlKE HUMMlNG]
What is that tune?
You've been humming it all morning.
It's from The Marriage of Figaro by Mr. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
Mozart, huh?
Well, anything's better than hearing you sing "I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt."
I'm trying to broaden my horizons, so Molly took me to the symphony last night.
-Wait, you went to the symphony? -Yeah, it was lovely.
Very classy, very elegant.
-So you fell asleep? -Almost immediately.
I did fart myself awake a couple of times...
... but for the most part, out like a light.
Look at you. Sleeping at the symphony.
Well, la-di-da.
Afterwards, Molly and I went out for a spot of tea.
-Hang on a second, you drinking tea now? -Oolong.
-It's a antioxidant. -What's that?
I assume it's something that is against oxidants.
It also tastes like a cup of hot ass.
Wow, this woman is giving you a complete makeover, isn't she?
-What are you talking about? -Going to the symphony, drinking tea.
Next, you'll be carrying her purse...
...and asking permission to visit your balls on the weekend.
Hang on, are you saying I'm whipped?
Because I am not whipped. I am still very much my own man.
Okay, let me ask, if you don't say that, does she hit you?
It's not like that, Carl. In fact, we're not seeing each other tonight.
Good for you. It's important that a man maintain his identity.
I agree. I told her I needed this evening to myself, she understood...
...so she's gonna meet us later for lunch.
That's why you're wearing that cologne?
-Maybe. -Figures.
God forbid you should smell nice for me once in a while.
-What's the soup today? -It's pea soup.
-Oh, I love pea soup. -Ah, ah, ah!
-You know that's loaded with salt and fat. -I've been doing good.
Because I'm the one standing guard over your piehole.
For him, pea soup ain't nothing but a ham delivery system.
Fine. I'll have the small dinner salad and two scoops of cottage cheese.
-I'll have the same. -And I'll have the pea soup.
-How long have you guys been partners? -About four years.
What? We've been partners for almost five years.
-lt hasn't been that long. -Oh, yes, it has.
Five years this November.
Wow, that's longer than any relationship I've ever had.
Except maybe Colonel Sanders.
It hasn't been easy, trust me.
Do you remember the day in November?
Well, I'd have to check my diary.
He makes everything a joke. Thinks it hides his insecurity.
It was the eighth.
Our first day as partners was November the 8th.
There you go. Five years, November the 8th.
Well, congratulations, you two.
What's the anniversary on this? I think it's wood.
Please, don't give me wood, Carl.
How can you not remember that?
We had seven inches of snow, you slipped on the ice, almost flattened a small dog.
Fine. November 8th. Do you want me to tattoo it on my forehead?
Mm-mm. Tattoo it on your eating hand, that way you'll be sure to remember it.
Always gotta play the fat card, huh?
I play the hand I'm dealt.
-You sound like an old married couple. -What are you talking about?
You know, the way you do the little back-and-forth bickering thing.
That's not bickering. That's busting each other's stones.
-Male camaraderie like Batman and Robin. -I'm Batman, he's Robin.
Who you calling Robin? I'm Batman.
No, no, no. I have always been Batman.
I drive the car. I'm Batman.
I let you drive the car because I'm the senior officer...
...that makes me Batman.
No, you let me drive so you can take your bat naps.
See? You said it, I'm Batman.
-Don't twist my words. -I'm not. I'm just stating a fact.
-This is about the soup? -I wanted one bowl.
You've never had one bowl in your life.
That was great, huh?
Molly just gets cuter every day.
You both do.
You guys really have something special.
You can see it, right? I mean, it's palpable.
Palpable?
You know. Obvious, evident, tangible.
Since when did you become Big-Word Bob?
Molly gave me one of those word-a-day calendars.
-It's fun. Yesterday, I used "malicious." -No. You were trying to say "delicious"...
-...but you had food in your mouth. -Still counts.
I'm happy you're learning new words and falling asleep at fancy places...
...but I don't think we should have lunch with your girlfriend.
-Why not? -Because we are paid to serve...
-...and protect the citizens of Chicago. -So?
When we're having lunch, we're on duty.
I mean, what if a couple of gangbangers walked by and started shooting?
Carl, the only time we've ever been fired at is when we get egged on Halloween.
So do you want your little school teacher to take the Grade A double yolk to her head?
-No. -Of course you don't.
That stings like a bitch.
I hear what you're saying...
...but are you sure it's not because you're a little jealous of me and Molly?
-What? I'm not even gonna dignify that. -Sorry.
I've been nothing but supportive of your relationship with Molly.
Again, sorry.
You are forgiven.
Next time you bring up being senior officer, I'm bringing up fitness reports.
We'll see who's Batman and who's Robin.
Yeah, I had a great day too.
The highlight, of course, being lunch with you.
No, I mean it.
One might say it was the pinnacle of my day.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
So, what are you doing right now?
Me? Nothing. Carl came over. We're gonna watch the game.
No, it's not the Bears.
If it was the Bears, I wouldn't be on the phone with you.
Sit down. What are you waiting for?
No, I was talking to Carl.
Molly says to tell you hello.
[lN HlGH VOlCE] Hi, Molly.
Carl sends his warmest salutations.
[TV PLAYS LOUDER]
Carl, you mind? I'm on the phone.
[TV PLAYS LOUDER]
[TV PLAYS SOFTER]
-What are you doing? -What are you doing?
I came to watch a football game, not watch you talk.
I should probably go. Robin's in a mood.
-What is your problem? -I don't have a problem.
Got you some hot wings.
-Thank you. -You're welcome.
I thought you deserved a reward after the strength you showed with the pea soup.
So, what's your girlfriend up to tonight?
I don't know. She's probably just hanging out.
Uh-huh. And she called you to ask you to come over?
No.
I mean, the subject did come up...
...but l, of course, told her that you and I already had plans.
And what kind of friend would I be if I blew those off?
Yeah, I think I heard that.
That was the part where you said, "Nothing, it's just Carl."
-Why are you so sensitive? -I'm not being sensitive.
-I don't appreciate being taken for granted. -Sorry.
Forget about it. Let's just watch the game.
[TV PLAYS lNDlSTlNCT CROWD NOlSES]
Just go.
-I'll lock up. -Thanks, man.
If I were a lesser man, I'd do a weenie-rub on all his juice glasses.
Tell me what you're thinking about right now.
-Honestly? -Yeah, whatever's in your heart.
I'm worried about Carl.
Got your tongue halfway down my throat and you're thinking about Carl?
No, not in that way. Wow, you really know how to kill a mood.
-I'm the mood killer? -I just feel bad for him.
Why?
I don't know. He doesn't have anybody in his life.
Well, would it make you feel better...
...if you were kissing him and thinking about me?
Oh, I wish it were that simple.
All right, kids, I'm hitting the hay.
Oh, you spending the night, Tons o' Fun?
No, ma'am.
I'm just asking because I sleep in the buff and I get up a lot to tinkle.
Hate for you to bump into me in the hallway...
...and find yourself with a difficult choice to make.
Anyway, good night.
Good night, Mrs. Flynn.
Good night, Mom.
We buy her a bathrobe every Christmas, but she never gets the hint.
The FedEx guy bought her three before he quit.
Here's a thought. Maybe we could hook Carl up with someone.
And we're back to Carl.
Sorry, he's my best friend. I just want him to be happy.
So if he has a girlfriend--?
He drops me like a handful of hot nickels. It's a win-win.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
Cop in the house.
I'll be right back. I have to go flush something.
Hey, how about me, you...
...and one of your girlfriends go for a drink and I invite Carl to join?
Like a double date?
I don't know. All of my teacher friends are either married or gay or both.
One of them just adopted an adorable Chinese girl.
How old's she?
I don't know if this is cake or cheese, but it's really good.
-Are you thinking what I'm thinking? -No, I am not.
All right, after Brother Haywood introduces me...
...you're gonna start in real soft.
[PLAYS CHORD]
Not too soft. The whole choir is gonna be flapping them paper fans.
-I got it, Grandma. -I'll tell you when you got it.
Then I'm gonna step to the podium...
...nod towards the congregation...
...give a little knowing wink to Brother Haywood...
...then blow the rafters off that house of Jesus.
[PLAYlNG DON HENLEY'S "O THEY TELL ME OF A HOME FAR BEYOND THE SKlES"]
[SlNGlNG] Ooh, you know, they tell me of a home
Far beyond the sky
And they tell me of a land far away
Ooh, tell me of a home Where no storm clouds rise
You know, they tell me
Of an uncloudy day
[HOLDlNG NOTE]
[GASPS]
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
[DOORBELL RlNGS]
Oh, thank you, God.
-Hey, you busy right now? -Why? What's up?
Hey, Michael. Come on in, sweetness.
Leaving your friend standing out there like a Jehovah's Witness.
Wipe your feet. We just vacuumed the rug.
Oh, we did?
Boy ain't touched the vacuum cleaner since he was 13 years old...
...and I ain't gonna tell you what he was doing with it.
Can I get you some iced tea? Something harder?
If you don't drink on Saturday night, you got nothing to talk to Jesus about...
...on Sunday morning.
I'm fine, Nana. I just came by to ask Carl something.
-What you want? -Listen to him.
"What you want?"
Trying to act all gangsta and everything.
Boy's about as gangsta as a Fig Newton.
I'm on my way over to Molly's to take her and her sister out.
-I thought you might wanna join us. -I don't know. It's kind of last-minute.
Kind of last-minute?
This man is offering you a chance at a real live woman.
You best be putting on some clean drawers and praying she ain't picky.
I got this, Grandma. I'm a grown man, it's my life.
You better hurry up and start living it...
...because the vacuum cleaner ain't gonna give me no great-grandbabies.
Let me change my shirt.
So, Victoria, exactly what is it you do?
What do you mean?
He means do you work or have a job of any kind?
Oh, I see.
I thought you were talking about my will-dos and won't-dos in the bedroom.
Wait, you actually have won't-dos?
Thank you so much for this.
She's a cosmetologist.
And just to clear up any confusion, that is not a Russian astronaut.
Not that she couldn't be one if she really applied herself.
I work at several different funeral homes around the city.
-Funeral homes? -Yeah.
You know, where they store dead people.
I thought that was the symphony.
I didn't say a word and I had a wonderful time.
So, what you're saying is you apply makeup to the recently deceased?
Tell him about the time you got really baked...
...and made that 80-year-old woman look like the drummer in KlSS.
Ha-ha-ha! Oh, yeah.
One time, I got really baked...
...and made this 80-year-old woman look like the drummer in KlSS.
[VlCTORlA GUFFAWS]
-What a great story. MOLLY: Yeah.
Yeah, it's so much better when she tells it.
You know, Carl and I have been partners five years come November the 8th.
Has it been five years?
Pretty impressive, huh?
Nice single guy.
Same job for five years. It's not court-mandated.
Not to embarrass him, but he's actually saved my life a couple times.
Now, don't be bringing that up.
These girls don't need to know all about my heroics.
You gonna tell the story or not?
Well, the first time was an armed robbery at a liquor store.
The owner was on the ground, out cold.
While I was checking his vitals...
...the perp came busting out of the storeroom, gun in hand.
Oh, my God. What did you do?
I didn't have time to think. This guy came out of nowhere like a ninja.
Or Batman.
Whatever. He knocked the gun away, cuffed the guy.
Barely even broke a sweat.
What was the second time?
Last year's Oktoberfest.
They were selling two-for-one bratwursts.
Me and three guys in lederhosen had to link arms and give him the Heimlich.
Wow! You are a real hero, Officer Carl.
Oh, no.
Little bit.
Michael Jordan just walked by.
Sweet Lord, it is.
It's Jordan.
I love Michael Jordan.
I don't know what it is about bald black men.
They're just so sexy.
[WHlSPERS] Thank you, again.
Michael Jordan is a punk-ass bitch.
Damn, they seemed to really be hitting it off.
Yeah, tough break. Poor guy.
You think there's any chance your sister could get me Jordan's autograph?
I think his hands are gonna be kind of busy tonight.
[CAR HORN HONKlNG]
I'll be right there, Carl!
I should probably get him home. He's had a tough night.
You're such a good friend to him.
He'd do the same for me.
Hey, after you drop him off, why don't you circle back?
He's gonna wanna talk and it's probably gonna be pretty late.
Oh, that's a shame.
There was a pretty good chance you were gonna get lucky.
What's that?
Unless you think our relationship's not ready to move to the next level.
No. It is. Let me dump that crybaby off, I'll be right back.
-I'll leave the door unlocked. -Doesn't matter. I'd chew through it.
Life is unpredictable. One minute, you're having drinks with a beautiful girl...
...next minute, your friend's driving you home...
...pulling up in front of your grandma's house...
...slowing down for you to safely exit...
...and bidding you a heartfelt good night. Good night.
What's wrong with me?
Jeez. You really wanna open that can of worms?
I mean, I'm a good-looking guy. I'm in tiptop physical condition.
You're a dreamboat, but it was Michael Jordan.
Come on, I'd run off with the guy.
-Can I tell you a little secret? -Then it's not a secret.
I guess maybe I am jealous of you and Molly.
I understand. Don't worry about it.
[SPEAKS lN SPANlSH]
I see the way you two look at each other and I just wish I had something like that.
You'll find that, Carl, I know you will. Well, sleep tight.
My dad left when I was very young.
As dads will do. You learn, you grow. Good night, Carl.
And I don't know what I'd do if I lost you as a friend.
Is that what you're worried about?
You think me dating Molly is gonna change our friendship?
It's never gonna happen.
-I appreciate you saying that. -From the heart.
Now, get out of the car. I wanna go have sex with Molly.
-She gave you the green light? -Yes, she did.
And you still took the time to talk to me?
-That is so sweet. -Get out of the car!
Ahem. Right, right. Get it done.
You need condoms? That crazy sister slipped me some.
-Out, out. -I'm going, I'm going.
[TlRES SCREECHlNG]
-I love you, man. -Love you too.
JOYCE: lntruder!
[MlKE GRUNTS]
My God. Mike.
I-- I know this is bad, but I'd like to point out...
...I'm wearing the robe you got me for Christmas.
-Mike, I'm so sorry. -Me too.
I thought the most painful thing I'd have to do to get laid...
...was sit through that symphony.
You're gonna be fine.
We just need to get your skull x-rayed.
Okay.
Can you talk to your mom? I don't mind the occasional fat joke...
...but I take exception to having my skull caved in.
What did I miss?
[English - US - SDH]