1
00:00:00,703 --> 00:00:02,932
- Hey, dad...
- Get down!
2
00:00:04,725 --> 00:00:06,318
What the hell are you doing?
3
00:00:06,319 --> 00:00:08,019
People are gonna think
you're a pepingtom.
4
00:00:08,020 --> 00:00:11,079
A pepingtom spy on young
women getting dressed.
5
00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:15,356
I'm spying on a
65 year ex-marine.
6
00:00:16,693 --> 00:00:19,198
Who is eating a
egg white omelet.
7
00:00:19,438 --> 00:00:22,464
- Why?
- High colesterol, I presume.
8
00:00:22,991 --> 00:00:26,220
He had four heart attacks
in 3 years.
9
00:00:26,221 --> 00:00:28,232
Coast is clean.
You can get up.
10
00:00:28,233 --> 00:00:30,326
What was going on last night?
11
00:00:30,327 --> 00:00:31,966
Sound like a cow
was giving birth.
12
00:00:31,967 --> 00:00:33,490
That was me.
13
00:00:35,004 --> 00:00:36,805
I jacked up
the neighbor's shed
14
00:00:36,806 --> 00:00:39,908
And shimmied it over
12 inches to the south.
15
00:00:39,909 --> 00:00:43,578
I'm know I'm going
to regret asking you this.
16
00:00:43,579 --> 00:00:45,079
Why would you do that?
17
00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:46,915
'cause that land-grabber
built his shed
18
00:00:46,916 --> 00:00:49,150
Six inches
over my property line.
19
00:00:50,486 --> 00:00:51,519
So once a month,
I go over there
20
00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:54,005
And I move it a foot
the other way,
21
00:00:54,006 --> 00:00:55,723
And then the next night,
22
00:00:55,724 --> 00:00:58,893
That nasty bastard
moves it back.
23
00:00:58,894 --> 00:01:01,312
So, tell me, coyote,
24
00:01:01,313 --> 00:01:04,032
How long have you
and the roadrunner been at this?
25
00:01:04,033 --> 00:01:06,501
Let's see.
What's today, Thursday?
26
00:01:06,502 --> 00:01:08,570
Roughly 25 years.
27
00:01:09,572 --> 00:01:10,805
Oh, there he is.
28
00:01:10,806 --> 00:01:11,873
Oh, this is the best part.
29
00:01:11,874 --> 00:01:13,475
This is when he discovers it.
30
00:01:13,476 --> 00:01:15,443
"oh, look!
31
00:01:15,444 --> 00:01:17,512
Somebody moved my shed!"
32
00:01:17,513 --> 00:01:18,880
[laughs]
33
00:01:18,881 --> 00:01:20,181
"i'm mr. Campbell.
34
00:01:20,182 --> 00:01:24,369
I make dumb faces
when someone moves my shed!"
35
00:01:24,370 --> 00:01:27,655
This is insane,
even for you.
36
00:01:27,656 --> 00:01:28,840
I don't know why
don't you just let him
37
00:01:28,841 --> 00:01:30,391
Keep his shed
a little bit on your property.
38
00:01:30,392 --> 00:01:31,793
Because it's
on my property.
39
00:01:31,794 --> 00:01:32,927
I earned it.
40
00:01:32,928 --> 00:01:34,879
The trouble
with your generation is
41
00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:36,264
You never had
to fight for anything.
42
00:01:36,265 --> 00:01:37,932
My generation fought
so guys like you
43
00:01:37,933 --> 00:01:39,834
Can sit around
on your ass all day,
44
00:01:39,835 --> 00:01:42,187
Living in the lap of luxury
for free.
45
00:01:42,188 --> 00:01:43,538
Are you kidding me?
46
00:01:43,539 --> 00:01:45,190
I live
in a spider-infested attic,
47
00:01:45,191 --> 00:01:47,225
I can't use electricity
after 9:00 p.M.,
48
00:01:47,226 --> 00:01:48,710
And I don't
sit around all day.
49
00:01:48,711 --> 00:01:50,211
I'm busting my ass trying
to find a job,
50
00:01:50,212 --> 00:01:52,814
Which is very hard to do when
I being woken up at 4:00 a.M.
51
00:01:52,815 --> 00:01:54,699
Because you're out in the yard
playing the world's longest game
52
00:01:54,700 --> 00:01:56,985
Of "gotcha last."
53
00:01:56,986 --> 00:02:00,421
You can sleep through
the noise of me moving a shed.
54
00:02:00,422 --> 00:02:03,224
During the war, I slept
through four years of shelling.
55
00:02:03,225 --> 00:02:04,392
How did
you hear shelling?
56
00:02:04,393 --> 00:02:06,394
You were a medic on a boat.
57
00:02:06,395 --> 00:02:08,363
Corporal harry shelling.
58
00:02:08,364 --> 00:02:09,631
We shared a cabin.
59
00:02:10,766 --> 00:02:13,167
The bastard snored
like a leaf blower.
60
00:02:13,168 --> 00:02:15,470
Damn deviated septum.
61
00:02:15,471 --> 00:02:19,007
Every night, in and out.
In and out.
62
00:02:19,008 --> 00:02:21,059
"breathe through
your nose, shelling!
63
00:02:21,060 --> 00:02:23,278
Breathe through your nose!"
64
00:02:23,279 --> 00:02:24,612
Anyway, look,
65
00:02:24,613 --> 00:02:26,881
I'm just saying, I think
you should go talk to him.
66
00:02:26,882 --> 00:02:28,766
I mean, he's stubborn,
67
00:02:28,767 --> 00:02:31,486
He was in the military,
he's crazy.
68
00:02:31,487 --> 00:02:33,521
I think you guys
could be friends.
69
00:02:35,545 --> 00:02:46,127
Sync by United
www.addic7ed.com
70
00:02:46,735 --> 00:02:48,970
Why do you always
have to be at war with someone?
71
00:02:48,971 --> 00:02:49,954
Mr. Campbell,
72
00:02:49,955 --> 00:02:51,589
The paperboy,
the mailman.
73
00:02:51,590 --> 00:02:53,074
I'm not at war
with the mailman.
74
00:02:53,075 --> 00:02:56,110
That war is over.
I defeated him.
75
00:02:56,111 --> 00:02:57,962
Yes, and now we have to walk
to the post office
76
00:02:57,963 --> 00:02:59,180
To get our mail.
77
00:02:59,181 --> 00:03:01,432
With our heads held high.
78
00:03:02,818 --> 00:03:05,586
Guess what we brought
for lunch?
79
00:03:05,587 --> 00:03:07,438
Tamales!
80
00:03:07,439 --> 00:03:08,890
Which is spanish for...
81
00:03:08,891 --> 00:03:10,158
Uh, tamales.
82
00:03:10,159 --> 00:03:13,328
We took a spanish class
at the learning annex.
83
00:03:13,329 --> 00:03:14,896
Uh, muy bien, vicente.
84
00:03:14,897 --> 00:03:16,531
Como esta usted?
85
00:03:16,532 --> 00:03:18,232
Oh!
86
00:03:18,233 --> 00:03:20,435
Tamales!
87
00:03:20,436 --> 00:03:22,003
Well, the class
was only nine bucks,
88
00:03:22,004 --> 00:03:24,238
And it came
with a free sombrero, so...
89
00:03:24,239 --> 00:03:27,208
Okay, get this,
we just saw a great dog
90
00:03:27,209 --> 00:03:28,826
At the rescue down
at the farmers' market,
91
00:03:28,827 --> 00:03:30,211
Which we're gonna adopt!
92
00:03:30,212 --> 00:03:32,246
Now, hold on,
before you say anything,
93
00:03:32,247 --> 00:03:33,481
I know what you guys
are thinking,
94
00:03:33,482 --> 00:03:37,452
But trust me, this is
not a baby substitute.
95
00:03:37,453 --> 00:03:40,521
I wasn't thinking that.
96
00:03:40,522 --> 00:03:42,857
I wasn't
even listening.
97
00:03:42,858 --> 00:03:45,293
Why would you assume
that's what they were thinking?
98
00:03:45,294 --> 00:03:46,527
I don't know.
99
00:03:46,528 --> 00:03:48,496
They know that
we're having trouble conceiving.
100
00:03:48,497 --> 00:03:50,298
You guys are having trouble
conceiving?
101
00:03:50,299 --> 00:03:51,366
Probably my fault.
102
00:03:51,367 --> 00:03:54,102
I never gave him
that sex talk.
103
00:03:54,103 --> 00:03:56,137
He knows what goes where,
104
00:03:56,138 --> 00:03:59,157
And what doesn't.
105
00:04:02,344 --> 00:04:04,112
It's fine.
It's nobody's fault.
106
00:04:04,113 --> 00:04:05,380
We're fine.
Everyone's fine.
107
00:04:05,381 --> 00:04:06,914
It's just some people
take a little longer,
108
00:04:06,915 --> 00:04:08,149
You know, to conceive.
It's just...
109
00:04:08,150 --> 00:04:09,500
Besides, we took some tests,
110
00:04:09,501 --> 00:04:12,120
And the good news is there is
nothing wrong with my eggs.
111
00:04:12,121 --> 00:04:13,688
Oh. Huevos.
112
00:04:13,689 --> 00:04:16,490
Oh. Muy bien, vicente.
113
00:04:16,491 --> 00:04:18,426
So we're getting a dog
'cause we want a dog,
114
00:04:18,427 --> 00:04:19,627
And that's all there is
to it.
115
00:04:19,628 --> 00:04:21,462
So what do you want from me?
116
00:04:21,463 --> 00:04:23,097
Well, pop,
we're just wondering
117
00:04:23,098 --> 00:04:24,732
If you still have any of
schwarzkopf's old dog stuff
118
00:04:24,733 --> 00:04:26,718
Because the woman
who runs the animal rescue,
119
00:04:26,719 --> 00:04:28,536
She's gonna come over
and inspect our place.
120
00:04:28,537 --> 00:04:29,570
And we want
to prove to her
121
00:04:29,571 --> 00:04:30,972
That we can be
incredible parents.
122
00:04:30,973 --> 00:04:33,341
- You mean "owners."
- that's what I said.
123
00:04:33,342 --> 00:04:36,711
Yeah, I got
schwarzkopf's old leash
124
00:04:36,712 --> 00:04:39,981
And his dog bowl over here.
125
00:04:39,982 --> 00:04:41,449
The rest
of the stuff's upstairs.
126
00:04:41,450 --> 00:04:43,651
Brings a tear to my eye when
I think of that little guy.
127
00:04:43,652 --> 00:04:44,786
Oh.
128
00:04:44,787 --> 00:04:46,320
You know, schwarzkopf
was a great animal.
129
00:04:46,321 --> 00:04:48,890
He was a horrible animal.
130
00:04:48,891 --> 00:04:50,658
He tried to kill
mrs. Cleator's dog.
131
00:04:50,659 --> 00:04:52,493
'cause
he was defending his bone,
132
00:04:52,494 --> 00:04:54,195
Her dog was trying
to get it from him.
133
00:04:54,196 --> 00:04:56,164
That's what you do when someone
takes what's yours.
134
00:04:56,165 --> 00:04:57,465
You don't talk it out.
135
00:04:57,466 --> 00:04:59,500
That's why
he was victorious.
136
00:04:59,501 --> 00:05:02,970
He was wheeled away
like hannibal lecter.
137
00:05:02,971 --> 00:05:05,506
With his muzzled head
held high.
138
00:05:07,376 --> 00:05:09,143
What are
you two talking about?
139
00:05:09,144 --> 00:05:11,396
Oh. You don't know
about the whole shed war
140
00:05:11,397 --> 00:05:13,147
Going on
between dad and mr. Campbell?
141
00:05:13,148 --> 00:05:15,483
Oh, you mean
that insane ex-military freak?
142
00:05:15,484 --> 00:05:18,386
Yeah. He's fighting
with mr. Campbell.
143
00:05:19,688 --> 00:05:21,773
I remember mr. Campbell.
144
00:05:21,774 --> 00:05:24,092
You know, I--
I can't even talk about it.
145
00:05:24,093 --> 00:05:25,560
He's going
to talk about it.
146
00:05:25,561 --> 00:05:27,795
I was ten years old,
147
00:05:27,796 --> 00:05:29,781
And my soccer ball went
over our fence into his yard,
148
00:05:29,782 --> 00:05:31,699
And he took that garden claw
he's always holding,
149
00:05:31,700 --> 00:05:33,334
And he stuck it
in the ball,
150
00:05:33,335 --> 00:05:39,340
And then he held it up and
laughed as it--and I--deflated.
151
00:05:39,341 --> 00:05:40,742
It's been 25 years,
152
00:05:40,743 --> 00:05:42,844
And I still haven't been able
to watch soccer.
153
00:05:42,845 --> 00:05:44,779
I'll tell
you what you missed:
154
00:05:44,780 --> 00:05:46,581
Three goals.
155
00:05:58,332 --> 00:06:00,767
Excuse me,
mr. Campbell?
156
00:06:00,768 --> 00:06:03,002
What the hell do you want,
hot dog?
157
00:06:03,904 --> 00:06:05,071
Why am I "hot dog"?
158
00:06:05,072 --> 00:06:08,007
'cause your brother's
"hamburger."
159
00:06:08,008 --> 00:06:10,410
I want to talk to you
about the shed.
160
00:06:10,411 --> 00:06:12,078
I know you and my father
have been fighting,
161
00:06:12,079 --> 00:06:13,279
But I firmly believe
that any problem
162
00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:14,948
Can be resolved
by talking it out.
163
00:06:14,949 --> 00:06:16,616
Look, I know
he moved the shed,
164
00:06:16,617 --> 00:06:18,485
And he's very sorry
and would like to make peace.
165
00:06:18,486 --> 00:06:21,087
What do I care
if he wants to make pizza?
166
00:06:21,088 --> 00:06:23,256
I said "peace."
167
00:06:23,257 --> 00:06:26,493
Oh, oh.
Talk into this ear.
168
00:06:26,494 --> 00:06:29,396
My father
would like to make peace.
169
00:06:29,397 --> 00:06:30,764
Oh, well,
that doesn't sound like him.
170
00:06:30,765 --> 00:06:31,765
He sounds like this.
171
00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:32,899
"oh, look at me.
I'm ed.
172
00:06:32,900 --> 00:06:36,970
I move people's sheds,
and I'm dumb."
173
00:06:36,971 --> 00:06:39,005
That's...
174
00:06:39,006 --> 00:06:40,940
- Actually pretty close.
- Yep.
175
00:06:40,941 --> 00:06:42,409
Look, what can we do
176
00:06:42,410 --> 00:06:43,676
To bring this whole shed thing
to an end?
177
00:06:43,677 --> 00:06:45,812
It's about
more than the shed.
178
00:06:45,813 --> 00:06:47,547
Over the years,
your father has done
179
00:06:47,548 --> 00:06:49,649
Unmentionable things
to me.
180
00:06:49,650 --> 00:06:52,385
He stole my angel away
from me.
181
00:06:52,386 --> 00:06:55,655
I loved her.
182
00:06:55,656 --> 00:06:56,890
Oh, my god.
183
00:06:56,891 --> 00:06:58,425
I kept her over there
by the pond
184
00:06:58,426 --> 00:07:01,694
So the birds
wouldn't poop on her.
185
00:07:01,695 --> 00:07:04,063
Oh, a statue.
186
00:07:04,064 --> 00:07:05,665
I thought you were
talking about your wife.
187
00:07:05,666 --> 00:07:07,600
I was.
188
00:07:08,536 --> 00:07:10,003
That was a joke.
189
00:07:11,972 --> 00:07:14,574
Look, if I get you
that statue back,
190
00:07:14,575 --> 00:07:17,560
Will you be willing
to at least talk to my dad?
191
00:07:17,561 --> 00:07:20,046
Fine, fine.
192
00:07:21,615 --> 00:07:23,750
So we just had
a very nice conversation,
193
00:07:23,751 --> 00:07:27,787
And afterwards,
he said he wanted a truce.
194
00:07:27,788 --> 00:07:30,556
It's a trap.
195
00:07:30,557 --> 00:07:32,158
The man has a rock garden.
196
00:07:32,159 --> 00:07:33,693
You can't trust
that kind of crazy.
197
00:07:33,694 --> 00:07:36,362
Dad, trust me.
I talked to him.
198
00:07:36,363 --> 00:07:39,632
All he wants
is his statue back.
199
00:07:39,633 --> 00:07:41,267
Where the birds
can poop on it.
200
00:07:41,268 --> 00:07:42,619
So it's a deal?
201
00:07:43,771 --> 00:07:45,205
Not quite.
202
00:07:45,206 --> 00:07:46,639
His hedge trimmers?
203
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:48,141
That's going to cost him.
204
00:07:48,142 --> 00:07:49,642
Bird feeder? Fine.
205
00:07:49,643 --> 00:07:51,878
I hung it
over the angel statue.
206
00:07:51,879 --> 00:07:53,046
Fantastic.
207
00:07:53,047 --> 00:07:55,148
So we'll do the exchange
tomorrow at 6:00.
208
00:07:55,149 --> 00:07:56,516
6:00?
209
00:07:56,517 --> 00:07:59,018
He knows perfectly well
that's when I feed my koi.
210
00:07:59,019 --> 00:08:01,154
6:05.
211
00:08:01,155 --> 00:08:02,989
Busy.
212
00:08:02,990 --> 00:08:06,359
Dad, how can you be free
at 6:00 and then busy at 6:05?
213
00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,495
That's when
I do my koi fishing.
214
00:08:11,232 --> 00:08:12,599
Look, here's the deal:
215
00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:16,302
Tomorrow, 6:30, you and I
will both meet here.
216
00:08:16,303 --> 00:08:17,637
Cool?
217
00:08:19,173 --> 00:08:20,974
Cool.
218
00:08:20,975 --> 00:08:22,375
Mr. Campbell?
219
00:08:23,777 --> 00:08:25,411
I'm easy.
220
00:08:30,050 --> 00:08:33,553
Okay.
Dad, here's your weed-whacker.
221
00:08:33,554 --> 00:08:35,388
Bernice,
I've missed you.
222
00:08:35,389 --> 00:08:36,923
Uh-huh.
223
00:08:36,924 --> 00:08:42,762
And, mr. Campbell,
here is your watering can,
224
00:08:42,763 --> 00:08:47,200
Which some bird has
totally jackson pollocked.
225
00:08:47,201 --> 00:08:51,104
All right, guys,
I think that's about everything.
226
00:08:51,105 --> 00:08:54,941
Well, campbell, it takes
a big man to admit defeat.
227
00:08:54,942 --> 00:08:56,475
I wasn't defeated.
You were.
228
00:08:56,476 --> 00:08:57,544
What are you talking about?
229
00:08:57,545 --> 00:08:59,245
Henry says you were begging
for a truce.
230
00:08:59,246 --> 00:09:00,313
What?
231
00:09:00,314 --> 00:09:03,082
The hot dog told me
you wanted the truce.
232
00:09:03,083 --> 00:09:04,367
What?
233
00:09:04,368 --> 00:09:06,536
Hot dog, you tell him
I wanted a truce?
234
00:09:06,537 --> 00:09:08,538
Well, I just--
you know what?
235
00:09:08,539 --> 00:09:10,189
My name isn't "hot dog."
236
00:09:10,190 --> 00:09:12,125
I knew you weren't man enough
to admit you were wrong!
237
00:09:12,126 --> 00:09:13,393
What are you
talking about?
238
00:09:13,394 --> 00:09:15,161
Your shed is six inches
over on my property!
239
00:09:15,162 --> 00:09:16,329
The hell it is!
240
00:09:16,330 --> 00:09:17,363
I've got the survey!
241
00:09:17,364 --> 00:09:18,798
I don't care
if you hate sorbet!
242
00:09:18,799 --> 00:09:20,166
I hate you!
243
00:09:20,167 --> 00:09:22,335
What are you talk--
I didn't say anything--"sorb--"?
244
00:09:22,336 --> 00:09:23,836
Listen with your good ear,
245
00:09:23,837 --> 00:09:25,555
Ya tin-eared jarhead!
246
00:09:25,556 --> 00:09:27,640
The truce is over!
247
00:09:27,641 --> 00:09:30,343
And that shed is going
in the koi pond tomorrow!
248
00:09:30,344 --> 00:09:32,011
You'll move it
off of your tomatoes first.
249
00:09:32,012 --> 00:09:33,279
I'll tell you that
right now!
250
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:34,981
You put a step
on my tomatoes,
251
00:09:34,982 --> 00:09:37,216
You'll get a tomato
in the face!
252
00:09:37,217 --> 00:09:39,953
Hold on! Hold on!
253
00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:41,537
- You don't even understand--
- hold on!
254
00:09:41,538 --> 00:09:43,406
Hold on.
255
00:09:43,407 --> 00:09:45,892
You better not come
on my tomatoes.
256
00:09:45,893 --> 00:09:47,527
Dad!
257
00:09:47,528 --> 00:09:49,429
- You come on my--
- stop it.
258
00:09:49,430 --> 00:09:51,798
- You just stop it.
- Mr. Campbell!
259
00:09:51,799 --> 00:09:54,334
- I've had enough--
- stop it!
260
00:09:54,335 --> 00:09:55,868
What is with you two?
261
00:09:55,869 --> 00:09:56,903
We've come this far.
262
00:09:56,904 --> 00:09:58,071
Now shake hands and end this.
263
00:09:58,072 --> 00:09:59,739
Come on.
264
00:09:59,740 --> 00:10:02,091
For once,
give peace a chance.
265
00:10:02,092 --> 00:10:04,010
Listen, yoko...
266
00:10:06,580 --> 00:10:08,848
I am not shaking
that man's hand.
267
00:10:08,849 --> 00:10:10,450
Dad...
268
00:10:10,451 --> 00:10:12,185
Please.
269
00:10:12,186 --> 00:10:14,487
For once,
270
00:10:14,488 --> 00:10:15,922
For me.
271
00:10:28,669 --> 00:10:30,003
See?
272
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:31,638
Was that so hard?
273
00:10:31,639 --> 00:10:32,905
It feels good,
doesn't it?
274
00:10:32,906 --> 00:10:33,940
- Eh.
- Well...
275
00:10:33,941 --> 00:10:35,108
Feels good, I guess.
276
00:10:35,109 --> 00:10:37,243
Yeah, of course
it does.
277
00:10:37,244 --> 00:10:39,078
See, dad,
by doing things my way,
278
00:10:39,079 --> 00:10:41,280
We were able to reach
an agreement peacefully.
279
00:10:41,281 --> 00:10:45,752
So...Is there, uh,
280
00:10:45,753 --> 00:10:47,253
Something
you want to say to me?
281
00:10:47,254 --> 00:10:48,404
Yeah.
282
00:10:48,405 --> 00:10:49,589
Get this crap off my lawn.
283
00:10:49,590 --> 00:10:51,157
The sprinklers go on
in three minutes.
284
00:10:51,158 --> 00:10:53,326
It's not quite
"you were right,"
285
00:10:53,327 --> 00:10:55,728
But I know it's
what you meant, dad.
286
00:10:55,729 --> 00:10:56,946
Hey, mr. Campbell.
287
00:10:56,947 --> 00:10:58,364
Mr. Campbell,
I want to thank...
288
00:10:58,365 --> 00:11:01,501
Hey, that's my old bike.
289
00:11:01,502 --> 00:11:02,902
I thought it was stolen.
290
00:11:02,903 --> 00:11:04,070
Well, not stolen.
291
00:11:04,071 --> 00:11:05,571
Impounded.
292
00:11:07,007 --> 00:11:10,460
It was left in front
of my driveway 15 years ago,
293
00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:12,178
And it became mine.
294
00:11:12,179 --> 00:11:13,629
Are you kidding me?
295
00:11:13,630 --> 00:11:16,182
My dad grounded me for
two months for losing that bike.
296
00:11:16,183 --> 00:11:18,017
I mean,
I put flyers up everywhere.
297
00:11:18,018 --> 00:11:19,452
I put a flyer
on your tree.
298
00:11:19,453 --> 00:11:22,305
That flyer
became mine as well.
299
00:11:23,891 --> 00:11:25,825
Come on, mr. Campbell,
I just want my bike back.
300
00:11:25,826 --> 00:11:29,462
No, no, those were not
the terms of the agreement.
301
00:11:29,463 --> 00:11:31,264
Then I'm going to come over
there and take it.
302
00:11:31,265 --> 00:11:34,400
You do, and you'll
get a face full of claw.
303
00:11:34,401 --> 00:11:36,652
- But it's my bike!
- And it's my claw.
304
00:11:36,653 --> 00:11:41,507
Now, you make like a hot dog
and kiss my ass.
305
00:11:41,508 --> 00:11:43,142
That doesn't
even make sense!
306
00:11:43,143 --> 00:11:45,695
Well, does this
make any sense?
307
00:11:45,696 --> 00:11:47,547
- [air hissing]
- oh!
308
00:11:47,548 --> 00:11:49,115
[laughs]
309
00:11:49,116 --> 00:11:50,850
That was not a nice thing
to do, mr. Campbell!
310
00:11:50,851 --> 00:11:52,351
That's it!
This is war!
311
00:11:52,352 --> 00:11:53,503
And I'm gettin'
my bike back.
312
00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:55,671
You don't even know.
313
00:11:55,672 --> 00:11:57,423
You think
ed goodson's tough?
314
00:11:57,424 --> 00:11:59,992
Hot dog goodson's
as tough as they come!
315
00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:08,577
Ooh!
I am so pissed right now!
316
00:12:08,578 --> 00:12:10,513
Aw.
317
00:12:10,514 --> 00:12:13,016
Who put the sand
in your panties?
318
00:12:13,017 --> 00:12:14,484
Your arch nemesis.
319
00:12:14,485 --> 00:12:17,286
The assistant manager
at radio shack?
320
00:12:17,287 --> 00:12:19,288
- Mr. Campbell.
- Oh.
321
00:12:19,289 --> 00:12:20,790
Remember that summer
when I was 12
322
00:12:20,791 --> 00:12:21,824
And my bike got stolen?
323
00:12:21,825 --> 00:12:23,192
I can hardly
remember your name.
324
00:12:23,193 --> 00:12:24,610
How am I supposed
to remember that?
325
00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:25,945
I'll never forget it.
326
00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:27,563
I had to do
my paper route on foot.
327
00:12:27,564 --> 00:12:30,149
Six hours a day, dad,
95-degree heat.
328
00:12:30,150 --> 00:12:32,335
You told me to strap
a bell to my arm.
329
00:12:32,336 --> 00:12:33,503
[chuckling]
330
00:12:33,504 --> 00:12:34,804
That I remember.
331
00:12:34,805 --> 00:12:37,740
Back then, I could only visit
you during the summertime.
332
00:12:37,741 --> 00:12:40,543
All year long, I looked forward
to it--and feared it--
333
00:12:40,544 --> 00:12:42,111
But mainly
looked forward to it.
334
00:12:42,112 --> 00:12:44,580
And then that summer, all we did
was argue about the bike.
335
00:12:44,581 --> 00:12:46,516
I just found out it was
all campbell's fault.
336
00:12:46,517 --> 00:12:48,184
I left my bike
in front of his place,
337
00:12:48,185 --> 00:12:49,786
And he just took it!
338
00:12:49,787 --> 00:12:51,487
[chuckles] I told you
the guy was a jerk.
339
00:12:51,488 --> 00:12:53,789
Totally.
340
00:12:53,790 --> 00:12:55,024
We need to get him back.
341
00:12:55,025 --> 00:12:57,427
Ohh!
342
00:12:57,428 --> 00:13:00,313
Jumping off the old peace train,
are we, cat stevens?
343
00:13:00,314 --> 00:13:02,732
Sure you don't want
to talk anymore?
344
00:13:02,733 --> 00:13:04,000
See? No. No, no, no.
345
00:13:04,001 --> 00:13:06,469
I see what you're doing,
and this is different.
346
00:13:06,470 --> 00:13:07,837
I didn't start anything
with him, dad.
347
00:13:07,838 --> 00:13:08,938
He just stole my bike.
348
00:13:08,939 --> 00:13:12,141
Now you want
to get him back, eh?
349
00:13:12,142 --> 00:13:14,827
Did you want
to sneak over there
350
00:13:14,828 --> 00:13:18,614
And light up
the old koi barbecue?
351
00:13:19,583 --> 00:13:23,586
Maybe drop trou
and fertilize the rock garden.
352
00:13:23,587 --> 00:13:25,888
Yeah, I haven't really thought
about the details.
353
00:13:25,889 --> 00:13:29,258
Mmm, fantasize about going
over there one night, eh?
354
00:13:29,259 --> 00:13:31,627
Crawl over to his bunk
and pick up a pillow
355
00:13:31,628 --> 00:13:32,829
And put it over his face
356
00:13:32,830 --> 00:13:35,765
And stop the snoring bastard
once and for all?
357
00:13:35,766 --> 00:13:38,201
You can't breathe
through your mouth now,
358
00:13:38,202 --> 00:13:39,719
Can you, shelling?
359
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:41,721
Answer me! Answer me!
360
00:13:41,722 --> 00:13:43,723
Anyway...
361
00:13:43,724 --> 00:13:45,575
Right. So...
362
00:13:45,576 --> 00:13:48,194
Here's what you're
going to do:
363
00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:50,413
Absolutely nothing.
364
00:13:50,414 --> 00:13:51,814
What?
365
00:13:51,815 --> 00:13:53,616
We have a truce,
a truce you brokered.
366
00:13:53,617 --> 00:13:56,018
And you know
what my code is.
367
00:13:56,019 --> 00:13:59,021
Treat a horse like a woman
and a woman like a horse?
368
00:13:59,022 --> 00:14:00,857
That's my credo.
369
00:14:00,858 --> 00:14:05,528
My code is a man
never breaks his word.
370
00:14:05,529 --> 00:14:07,196
- But, dad--
- no "buts," henry.
371
00:14:07,197 --> 00:14:09,732
You never go back
on your word,
372
00:14:09,733 --> 00:14:12,135
Not even if you haven't slept
in three weeks,
373
00:14:12,136 --> 00:14:14,003
And you promised
your commanding officer
374
00:14:14,004 --> 00:14:15,471
You wouldn't touch him.
375
00:14:15,472 --> 00:14:17,340
Even though
all you can think about
376
00:14:17,341 --> 00:14:18,841
Is what it would feel like
377
00:14:18,842 --> 00:14:20,927
To put your hands
around shelling's neck
378
00:14:20,928 --> 00:14:22,845
And squeeze
and squeeze and squeeze
379
00:14:22,846 --> 00:14:23,980
Until the only sound you hear
380
00:14:23,981 --> 00:14:25,414
Is the sound
of your own panting.
381
00:14:25,415 --> 00:14:26,482
[panting]
382
00:14:26,483 --> 00:14:29,252
Dad, is shelling
still alive?
383
00:14:29,253 --> 00:14:30,253
He's my podiatrist.
384
00:14:30,254 --> 00:14:31,720
A good foot man
if you need one.
385
00:14:37,427 --> 00:14:38,861
[knock at door]
386
00:14:38,862 --> 00:14:41,230
Oh, vince, the woman
from the dog rescue's here!
387
00:14:41,231 --> 00:14:43,466
Be cool.
Don't be nervous.
388
00:14:43,467 --> 00:14:44,534
Don't be obvious.
389
00:14:44,535 --> 00:14:45,868
Don't be desperate.
390
00:14:45,869 --> 00:14:47,570
What are you doing?
Get out here!
391
00:14:48,705 --> 00:14:49,872
Hi.
392
00:14:49,873 --> 00:14:51,123
Look out, everybody.
393
00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:52,375
The weird dog lady's here.
394
00:14:52,376 --> 00:14:53,309
[laughs] oh.
395
00:14:53,310 --> 00:14:55,378
Come on in.
You must be roberta.
396
00:14:55,379 --> 00:14:56,479
I'm bonnie.
397
00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:57,547
Hope you don't mind,
398
00:14:57,548 --> 00:14:59,315
I let myself in
through the people door.
399
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:02,952
That's funny.
Vince!
400
00:15:04,638 --> 00:15:06,305
Hi, I'm vince.
401
00:15:06,306 --> 00:15:07,390
Oh, hi, I'm roberta.
402
00:15:07,391 --> 00:15:08,591
Hope you don't mind,
403
00:15:08,592 --> 00:15:10,726
I let myself in
through the people door.
404
00:15:10,727 --> 00:15:13,563
Oh, my god,
she did that for me, too.
405
00:15:13,564 --> 00:15:14,964
So let's
take a look around
406
00:15:14,965 --> 00:15:17,283
And see if this place is
suitable for a dog.
407
00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:19,035
Oh, it's
entirely suitable.
408
00:15:19,036 --> 00:15:20,703
We are going to be
excellent parents.
409
00:15:20,704 --> 00:15:21,704
Uh, owners?
410
00:15:21,705 --> 00:15:23,072
That's what I said.
411
00:15:23,073 --> 00:15:26,275
We just want to make sure
we cover all of our bases.
412
00:15:26,276 --> 00:15:27,994
I even signed up
for a "puppy and me" class.
413
00:15:27,995 --> 00:15:29,512
The first week is yoga.
414
00:15:29,513 --> 00:15:30,663
Yoga?
415
00:15:30,664 --> 00:15:33,282
What the heck is a puppy
gonna do in a yoga class?
416
00:15:33,283 --> 00:15:34,550
Downward dog?
417
00:15:37,054 --> 00:15:38,120
So...
418
00:15:38,121 --> 00:15:40,423
Okay, so you guys live
on a great street,
419
00:15:40,424 --> 00:15:42,675
And you are five blocks
from a terrific dog park.
420
00:15:42,676 --> 00:15:43,860
But, you know,
if you both work,
421
00:15:43,861 --> 00:15:45,194
One of you is going
to have to come home
422
00:15:45,195 --> 00:15:46,312
For a mid-day walk.
423
00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:47,763
Oh, yeah, yeah,
we've planned for that.
424
00:15:47,764 --> 00:15:49,265
And what are
we going to walk him in?
425
00:15:49,266 --> 00:15:51,734
I don't know, maybe something
from his new...
426
00:15:51,735 --> 00:15:54,170
[sing-song] wardrobe!
427
00:15:54,171 --> 00:15:55,805
Great dane!
428
00:15:55,806 --> 00:15:57,106
What am I looking at here?
429
00:15:57,107 --> 00:15:58,441
Oh, just stuff I bought.
430
00:15:58,442 --> 00:16:00,693
I like to go online at night
and buy things for the dog.
431
00:16:00,694 --> 00:16:03,179
You know,
little rubber newspapers
432
00:16:03,180 --> 00:16:04,997
And little hats,
433
00:16:04,998 --> 00:16:06,682
Little backpacks,
434
00:16:06,683 --> 00:16:08,084
Those little shoes
that if it rains
435
00:16:08,085 --> 00:16:09,785
They don't get
their little feet wet.
436
00:16:09,786 --> 00:16:12,688
- Okay, okay.
- What's going on? What?
437
00:16:12,689 --> 00:16:14,657
Yeah. No, I think I see
what's going on here.
438
00:16:14,658 --> 00:16:18,361
Folks, I don't think I can
approve you for this adoption.
439
00:16:18,362 --> 00:16:19,528
Wait. Why?
440
00:16:19,529 --> 00:16:21,530
All you're dealing with
is two loving people
441
00:16:21,531 --> 00:16:23,165
- That want a dog.
- Baby.
442
00:16:23,166 --> 00:16:24,834
- A dog.
- Baby.
443
00:16:24,835 --> 00:16:26,035
- Dog.
- Baby.
444
00:16:26,036 --> 00:16:27,303
Honey? Honey?
445
00:16:27,304 --> 00:16:29,138
Honey, stop.
446
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:31,724
- Dog!
- Baby, baby, baby.
447
00:16:31,725 --> 00:16:33,409
Folks, folks, look,
448
00:16:33,410 --> 00:16:36,312
When a couple adopts a dog,
but they really want a baby,
449
00:16:36,313 --> 00:16:38,648
It always ends up
being a problem for the dog.
450
00:16:38,649 --> 00:16:40,216
Not in every case,
of course, but in enough
451
00:16:40,217 --> 00:16:42,818
So that I can't approve you
today for this dog.
452
00:16:42,819 --> 00:16:44,904
This has nothing to do
with a baby.
453
00:16:44,905 --> 00:16:47,239
Come on, let's get real.
454
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,625
This is about as nutsy-cuckoo
as it gets,
455
00:16:49,626 --> 00:16:51,127
And you're talking to someone
who just came
456
00:16:51,128 --> 00:16:53,896
From a $50,000 bark-mitzvah.
457
00:16:55,265 --> 00:16:56,832
I'm so sorry.
458
00:16:56,833 --> 00:16:59,635
You guys seem
like really nice people.
459
00:16:59,636 --> 00:17:01,721
I'll let myself out.
460
00:17:05,042 --> 00:17:07,076
Well, it's just
one person's opinion.
461
00:17:07,077 --> 00:17:09,078
I mean, you know, there's plenty
of dog rescues in san diego,
462
00:17:09,079 --> 00:17:11,714
- If you want a dog--
- I want a baby, vince.
463
00:17:11,715 --> 00:17:14,116
I know you do, bonnie,
464
00:17:14,117 --> 00:17:15,351
And we'll have one.
465
00:17:15,352 --> 00:17:17,253
What if we can't?
466
00:17:17,254 --> 00:17:19,689
Honey, look at me.
467
00:17:19,690 --> 00:17:22,241
We'll have one, okay?
468
00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:23,892
Come here.
469
00:17:26,463 --> 00:17:28,397
♪ uno, dos, tres ♪
470
00:17:28,398 --> 00:17:30,032
* y cuatro, cinco, seis *
471
00:17:30,033 --> 00:17:31,584
* siete, ocho-- *
472
00:17:31,585 --> 00:17:32,868
Okay.
473
00:17:58,195 --> 00:17:59,528
Vince's ball.
474
00:18:03,650 --> 00:18:05,034
My bike.
475
00:18:11,274 --> 00:18:13,509
The claw.
476
00:18:13,510 --> 00:18:15,378
Who's out there?
477
00:18:15,379 --> 00:18:16,912
- Aah!
- Aah!
478
00:18:16,913 --> 00:18:18,948
Ohh!
479
00:18:18,949 --> 00:18:19,982
Ooh!
480
00:18:19,983 --> 00:18:23,753
[siren wails]
daaaaad!
481
00:18:26,306 --> 00:18:29,525
How does it feel to get cpr
from a navy medic?
482
00:18:29,526 --> 00:18:32,795
Oh, the humiliation
is crushing.
483
00:18:32,796 --> 00:18:34,764
I suppose I owe you one.
484
00:18:34,765 --> 00:18:36,298
I'll bet you do.
485
00:18:36,299 --> 00:18:39,235
How about you give my boy
back his bicycle,
486
00:18:39,236 --> 00:18:40,870
And we'll call it even?
487
00:18:40,871 --> 00:18:42,304
Who's steven?
488
00:18:42,305 --> 00:18:44,907
That's your bad ear.
489
00:18:44,908 --> 00:18:47,243
My boy,
give him his bike back.
490
00:18:47,244 --> 00:18:49,512
Only if we go back
to hating each other.
491
00:18:49,513 --> 00:18:50,846
I'm way ahead of you.
492
00:18:50,847 --> 00:18:52,981
"oh! Oh, look at me.
I'm ed goodson.
493
00:18:52,982 --> 00:18:55,885
I'm dumb.
I just resuscitated my enemy."
494
00:18:55,886 --> 00:18:58,754
"oh, oh! Look at me.
I'm mr. Campbell.
495
00:18:58,755 --> 00:19:01,057
"i'm dumb. I just had
a minor heart attack
496
00:19:01,058 --> 00:19:03,159
Like a girl."
497
00:19:05,062 --> 00:19:06,629
Don't forget
your aspirin, now.
498
00:19:06,630 --> 00:19:07,830
Please feed my fish.
499
00:19:07,831 --> 00:19:09,215
I'll feed your fish.
500
00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:12,685
I'll feed them to the cat.
501
00:19:12,686 --> 00:19:14,687
Okay, then.
502
00:19:14,688 --> 00:19:17,223
See? It's all right
to dislike people
503
00:19:17,224 --> 00:19:18,774
And have people dislike you.
504
00:19:18,775 --> 00:19:20,676
You don't have to talk
through everything.
505
00:19:20,677 --> 00:19:22,194
Fine, I see
your point, dad,
506
00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:23,846
But I still think
you take things too far.
507
00:19:23,847 --> 00:19:24,980
I mean,
if you didn't do that,
508
00:19:24,981 --> 00:19:26,449
You might have
a friend or two.
509
00:19:26,450 --> 00:19:27,683
I have a friend.
510
00:19:28,985 --> 00:19:30,586
You, stupid.
511
00:19:30,587 --> 00:19:33,989
Right.
512
00:19:33,990 --> 00:19:36,292
You're my friend, too.
513
00:19:36,293 --> 00:19:38,994
Okay, now,
time to feed the koi.
514
00:19:49,576 --> 00:19:50,843
Oh.
515
00:19:50,844 --> 00:19:52,277
Sit down. I...
516
00:19:52,278 --> 00:19:53,979
I bought you something.
517
00:19:53,980 --> 00:19:55,647
- What is it?
- A male stripper.
518
00:19:55,648 --> 00:19:57,516
Open the damn box.
519
00:19:58,618 --> 00:20:00,903
Ed, I don't really think
I'm in the mood...
520
00:20:00,904 --> 00:20:04,556
I wasn't in the mood to get
you something, but I got it.
521
00:20:04,557 --> 00:20:06,708
Open the box.
522
00:20:10,530 --> 00:20:13,098
Oh, my god, ed.
523
00:20:14,167 --> 00:20:15,884
It's a dog.
524
00:20:15,885 --> 00:20:18,887
Yes. I know what it is.
525
00:20:18,888 --> 00:20:20,906
Oh.
526
00:20:20,907 --> 00:20:23,342
No, no, none of that.
527
00:20:26,679 --> 00:20:28,313
I don't know what to say.
528
00:20:28,314 --> 00:20:30,783
Good.
Say nothing.
529
00:20:51,861 --> 00:20:55,874
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