# Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
# Ferocious fights, daring knights
# Horrors that defy description Awful Egyptians
# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
# Roman rotten, rank and ruthless
# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
# Gory stories, we do that and your host - a talking rat
# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
# Horrible Histories. #
It was great being a Roman, but it wasn't glamorous.
We didn't even have toilet paper.
Have you ever wondered
if there was an alternative to wiping your bottom with your hand?
Well, now there is.
No, not that, silly.
You need to try new Sponge-On-A-Stick.
Simply put the sponge in water and wipe...
..again and again.
Yes, it's that easy, with new Sponge-On-A-Stick.
Andrexus!
Yes, Sponge-On-A-Stick.
It's number one for number twos.
Sponge is available from all leading market stalls
and stick is available from all leading trees.
It's true - Romans have some pretty funny ways of keeping clean.
I mean, what could be sillier than a sponge on a stick?
Well, this could.
Hi, honey, I'm home.
SHE GAGS
Do you suffer from body odour?
Do you smell like a horde of barbarians have died in your armpits?
Then you need the ice cool blast of new Viper deodorant.
Viper's powerful deodorising powder is made by catching a viper,
killing it and grinding its bones.
HISSING Ow!
Hi, honey, I'm home.
Mmm, darling, you smell wonderful.
Thanks.
Viper deodorant.
Takes the bite out of body odour.
Oh dear, he's dead.
Warning - catching vipers may result in death
which makes you smell even worse. Always read the label.
Oh, phew, that's better.
Pass me the Sponge-On-A-Stick, will you, Marcus?
Hmm, oh, thanks.
Argh! That's just the stick!
Sorry, the sponge must have fallen off the end.
Oh, I got splinters!
Here you are, dry your eyes.
Thanks, oh!
Oh, that's where the sponge went!
Vile Victorians.
Viewers may like to know that all the slang in the following sketch
is genuine Victorian slang.
Good day.
Oi, mister, get the peelers! Er, not today, thank you.
The Peelers, the crushers!
Quick! Someone's kiddy-napped me spangle.
I do have a passing acquaintance with the language of the street
and I believe this chap is in need of some assistance.
Go ahead, young fellow. I need the Peelers, Mister.
I've been kiddy-napped, they've taken me spangle.
He would like us to make contact with the police
as someone has pickpocketed his money.
Oh, good grief. Tell us exactly what happened.
Well, I was going past the pan...
He was passing the workhouse. ..when this snick fadger... A coin thief.
Took me spangle. Stole his money. At first I thought he was just a doddy.
He believed this man was just an idiot.
Then I thought he was a fogle hunter. A handkerchief thief.
It turned out he was more interested in me kettle and tackle.
He was after his... Watch and chain.
I tried to yaffle, Sir, honestly, I did
before I got a ding on the coconut!
I think I understand. You're saying
you tried to scream, before he savagely hit you on the head.
You're really picking this up.
Well, we must do something to help.
Take this handkerchief, pocket watch and this modest wallet of monies.
I hope this goes some way to helping you get back on your feet.
Thanks, Mister, you...
you Tom Tug!
HE LAUGHS
Tom Tug.
It means fool. I think.
It seems we may just have been tricked...by a Toby.
A street robber.
Good grief! How could I have been such a cod's head?
You gump.
River rat. Wobbler.
How dare you? Pudding snammer!
What was invented by a Victorian called Sir Robert Peel?
The answer is...
There was so much crime, Sir Robert Peel invented policemen,
known as Peelers, after him.
Victorian motor cars could travel at the mindboggling speed
of four miles per hour.
A man would walk in front of the car with a red flag
to warn people crossing the road of their impending doom.
It was a good job, apart from when the car was travelling downhill.
Hmm.
And, when the car was trying to climb up a hill.
The job itself became totally impossible in 1896
when the speed limit was increased to 14 miles per hour.
CAR HORN HONKS
Grub's up. It's Ready, Steady, Feast.
And our first guest is Tudor peasant Bertha.
Please welcome Bertha the peasant.
APPLAUSE
Bertha, what's your first ingredient?
A turnip.
That's not going to be very nice on its own. What else have you brought?
Another turnip. Ah, and what are you going to make?
Today I'm going to make turnip soup.
Then roast turnip followed by turnip crumble.
Followed by rickets, scurvy and malnutrition.
Let's meet our second guest,
Tudor aristocrat Earl Richard Scarsbrook.
Ah, my lady.
Ooh, no.
Earl Richard, what have you brought with you?
I've brought a whole salmon.
A swan.
Aagh, wild boar.
HE LAUGHS Yes.
A haunch of finest venison.
And a pie. What's in that pie? Just starlings.
Oh, so, what are you going to make?
I'm going to make baked salmon, pig stuffed with swan
and a whole roast deer.
Followed by bloatedness and a nasty case of gout
and life-threatening diabetes.
Hey, you should eat more veg.
Yes, I suppose I could do with more vegetables. I'll take the turnips.
Isn't that a little bit mean?
Nonsense.
She can have the scraps, after the dogs have finished with them.
Oh, it'll be just like Christmas, only better.
Grub's up.
Don't touch me, Bertha.
Diabetes and gout are diseases which can be caused
by eating too much rich food.
It's thought that Henry VIII had them both when he died
and I can believe that.
Henry's food was so rich, it probably had its own bank account.
And if you think our eating habits were horrible,
you should check out some of our Tudor beauty treatments.
PHONE RINGS
Historical Hairdressers.
Hair today, gone tomorrow.
So, Mary, how was your journey from Tudor times?
Long. Oh, I bet it was.
Right, that should dye your hair blonde in no time.
The dye is quite smelly.
Yeah, it's a traditional Tudor dye.
A mixture of sulphur and lead
but it'll make your hair lovely and blonde.
It will make your hair fall out but that's Tudor fashion for you.
We do have a number of add-ons
which have been proving very popular recently.
Will you bring me through those hair extensions?
Will you stop messing about when I've got a customer in?
There we are.
Your very own pony tail from an actual pony.
I mean, they look fantastic and they keep the flies away too.
Oh, now, Mary.
I can't help noticing these freckles.
You know, they're very unfashionable in Tudor times.
Are they? But don't worry.
There's a new sulphur treatment which will literally burn them off.
That sounds quite painful. Oh, it's ever so popular.
Oh, OK. And we can disguise the scarring
with a new line of Tudor make-up that's just come in.
Shelley, the make up.
Right.
Now it's all-natural ingredients, it's lead and vinegar.
My skin is quite sensitive.
Oh, don't worry.
We test all our products out on Shelley first, don't we, Shelley?
Oh, oh!
Right. Are you ready for the finishing touches
to your Tudor makeover?
Lay back.
Ugh, what is it? Oh, it's belladonna.
It'll really make your eye's sparkle but it's deadly poisonous. OK and up.
What do you think? I don't know.
I think the belladonna's made me go blind.
Oh, well, I mean, it was worth it.
You look absolutely sensational.
Ooh, that is not a good look!
You know, if you were a woman back then,
it was fashionable to have red hair like Queen Elizabeth.
But the only way to do it was to dye your hair with wee.
Yes, that's right with wee.
Funny, I'd have thought wee would turn it yellow and, no,
I'm not going to try it to find out.
Hello again. When we Romans arrived in Britain about 2,000 years ago,
we found it was full of Celts and they were a really savage bunch.
Oh, I love what you've done to the garden!
Well, we like it.
I love the severed heads on spikes. It's a traditional Celtic thing.
I love it. It's low maintenance and it wards off the burglars.
I can see that, yes.
Well, I mean, we needed to do something nice with them.
You know, the shed is full of severed heads.
It's Alan, he's always bringing them back from battle.
Yep, my Bill's just the same, he brought three home just last week.
Oh, have any of yours got magical powers? Hey?
Well, it's just that I've got this one head that utters prophesies.
I've heard about those. What does it say?
Oh, it's a bit vague, to be honest.
Um. Bad things afoot. Dark days beckon. Things like that, really.
I mean, ask him if it's the right day for putting the washing out,
you won't get a straight answer.
Still, it's nice for me to have a bit of a chat while I'm doing the weeds.
Evening, ladies. Hi, Alan. Hello, love.
Darling, I've got a surprise for you.
Oh, whatever could it be?
It's not another severed head, is it?
It's a pure gold necklace beset with ruby and jade.
Oh...
Well, that's, er, that's lovely. Thank you, Alan.
Not really, it's a severed head!
Oh, honestly!
Today is a good day to hang the washing out.
Now that is more like it, thank you.
Urgh, horrible.
Imagine that! Showing off a collection of severed heads.
Maybe you could collect the whole set
by swapping them with your friends.
Warrior! Fight your way through history.
Be a Roman soldier, defending the empire against all who challenge it.
Select armour.
Tunic. Shin guards. Belt.
Breast plates. Arm plates. Helmet.
Selection complete.
Or be a terrifying Celtic warrior.
Sworn to fight to the death.
Selection - Celtic warrior.
Select armour.
Gold neck band.
Selection complete.
Warrior.
Which warrior is mightier?
Oh, you're naked!
Recreate genuine battle techniques.
Celtic warrior, warp spasm selected.
The Celts' mad fighting frenzy.
And the Romans' well-drilled fighting techniques.
Phalanx move selected.
Will Roman slaughter Celt?
Player one, reinforcements selected.
Or will Celt slaughter Roman?
Or will Celt slaughter Celt?
They got so fired up in their battle frenzy,
that they ended up killing anyone, friend or foe.
Warrior!
No fear. No mercy.
No trousers.
Urgh!
It's...
false.
They would kill their wives, then kill themselves
so the enemy wouldn't be able to take anyone prisoner.
Measly Middle Ages.
Time again for our fairy tale series
where the stories are retold in different historical settings.
If was a terrible time for the people of Hamlyn,
for the whole city was infested with rats.
Urgh!
Oh, these rats are everywhere! Eurgh!
Just then, a mysterious stranger appeared.
I, the Pied Piper, shall rid you of these pests
but I warn you the price will be very high.
Unfortunately, this was the Middle Ages
so the rats were all carrying the Black Death.
Eurgh!
Oh.
And so, instead of luring the rats away from Hamlyn,
the Pied Piper also caught the Black Death and died.
HE COUGHS
The end.
The Black Death is what they called the Plague in the Middle Ages.
It killed off one third of the population of Europe.
More than 25 million people.
That's more people than I've got fleas.
Oh, that's itchy.
Bring out your dead, bring out your dead.
Here, will you take my Bert, will you? Plague, was it?
You will give him a proper burial, won't you?
Course. I'll chuck him in the pit with all the others.
Oh, good. It's what he would have wanted.
It's worrying though, this plague thing. I mean, where's it come from?
Well, I'm glad you asked me that.
Pong!
Dong!
Gone.
Bring out your dead, bring out your dead.
Bring out your dead.
The answer is...
Agh! Caligula himself died when he was poisoned by his niece,
but not all ruthless rulers got on so badly with their family.
Our guest today had a series of major wars named after him.
He was a general, an emperor.
He is still the most famous Frenchman in history.
Please welcome Napoleon Bonaparte.
Napoleon, this is your reign.
Oh, ciao, ciao!
Grazie, grazie, grazie.
Wait till I tell my family about this.
They go crazy. Crazy they go.
Oh, sorry, you're the French emperor, Napoleon?
Si, si, I am Napoleon. I'm the big chief, innit?
But your accent, you sound kind of Italian.
Ah, well, no, si. You notice that, you are smart boy, we get on good.
Maybe we go for some pizza, maybe some pasta, you like-a the pasta?
I was expecting you to be French.
Oh, si, si. I get that all the time. I'm from Corsica, innit?
It's kind of near France, kind of near Italy.
Well, whatever. Your achievements are beyond question.
Si. As a general, you defeated the Spanish, the Venetians,
the Prussians, the Russians, the Austrians, just to name a few.
So it's not surprising that so many important people
wanted to join us tonight.
So, please welcome, the King of Holland.
Oh!
Ciao, ciao! Napoleon-e!
What you done to your hair? What's all this?
It's the latest thing in The Hague.
Hang on. You're supposed to be Dutch. How come you've got the same accent?
He's my bruv. I conquered the countries and give him the crown,
it's a birthday present.
I can't buy him socks, he's got a wool allergy.
OK. Let's bring out some more guests
because this isn't a family reunion show.
So, please, can we welcome the King of Spain!
The Duchess of Tuscany.
The Prince of Canino.
The Queen of Naples.
The Prince of Westphalia.
Hang on, what's going on?
These are all me brothers and sisters, innit?
I conquered all the countries so I give it to my family.
This empire is a family business.
All right.
Look, our last guest...
certainly isn't a family member.
So, no surprises on the accent here.
Please welcome the greatest English general of his day,
the Duke of Wellington.
CHEERING
Top of the morning to you, and a fine day it is so.
If it's not, may I be sent straight to hell to live with
all the nasty leprechauns down there
or my name's not Arthur Wellesley, the Duke of Wellington.
You're Irish. Quite so, born and bred on the Emerald Isle.
Fiddly-diddly-dee. So...
Let me get this straight.
England's great general is actually Irish
and France's great emperor is actually Corsican. Si.
Napoleon Bonaparte, this is your very confusing reign.
Oh, grazie, grazie, grazie.
Take your hand out of your jacket, you look silly. You ask for it.
I was holding up my trousers, wasn't I, bruv? Huh!
HE LAUGHS
Now, Napoleon did always go round with his hands in his jacket,
but it wasn't to hold up his trousers.
No, it was to massage his stomach
because he had crippling stomach pain.
Probably because someone had tried to poison him with arsenic.
Well, either that or he'd eaten a dodgy snail.
Ha! We Spartans were the most famous warriors in all of ancient Greece
and it was here in Thermopylae that we fought out most famous battle.
Right, there you go, Spartan, prepare for war!
Excellent. Next.
Hello.
Right, there's your shield.
Nice.
Your helmet. Oh.
Pair of greaves. Lovely, protect the old shins.
And the rest? What rest? That's it.
This is all I get?
Of course it's all you get.
This is true Spartan warrior armour.
Naked warrior, more like!
Look at that shield, it hardly covers my nipples.
Well, it's one size fits all.
Can I at least have something to protect my back?
You got your cloak. Oh, lovely.
Yeah, so I can get impaled by swords, spears and arrows
but at least I won't get sunburnt. Brilliant.
Enough!
It is an honour to die in battle.
Cross, cross, cross, cross!
Dong, dong, dong!
Heh, heh, bwah, bwah!
Argh, errgh!
I don't think I want to. I mean, what actually are our chances here?
How many of us are there?
You're a part of 300 Spartan warriors
who will fight the Persians at Thermopylae.
300 of our finest Spartan warriors, that's good. How many Persians?
250.
250!
We're gonna clean up. This will be like spearing fish in a barrel.
Dep-dep-dep-dep!
250,000 Persians, my friend.
I won't be needing these.
What? You're not scared?
I'm not fighting.
Mummy!
This is HH TV news bringing you live news direct from the past.
This just in from ancient Greece.
It's 480BC and the battle of Thermopylae is currently raging.
For the full story, we now go live to the battlefield
and join our correspondent, Mike Peabody. Mike!
Thanks, Sam.
I'm here with a force of just 300 Spartan warriors
who've been defending this narrow passage against a Persian army
of over a quarter of a million men.
Remarkably, the 300 brave Spartans have held their ground
for some days now.
Yes, what is it you're trying to say?
Does my hair look OK?
Yeah, it looks great.
As you can see, Spartan warriors like to look good
when they're fighting.
Kill them! Kill them all!
I can see just over my left shoulder here
that the Spartan king Leonidas is addressing his soldiers.
Let's go and see if we can get a word.
Kill the barbarians!
Kill them with your spears!
When your spears break, kill them with your swords!
When your swords break, kill them with your...teeth!
King Leonidas, can I have a word?
Yeah. Hi, who are you?
Mike Peabody, HH TV news.
Oh, does my hair look OK?
Uh, so how's the battle going?
Pretty well. We've killed about 20,000 Persians.
Well, that is impressive.
But to win the battle,
your soldiers are going to need to kill over 1,000 Persians each.
They've got so many archers, their arrows could blot out the sun.
Then we shall fight them in the shade.
That's quite a good line, I might use that in my next speech.
Sire, a Persian messenger.
Speak your piece, Persian. Sorry, Mike, this won't take a second.
Not a problem.
You cannot win this battle, we are too many.
My master, the great Xerxes, demands you surrender your weapons.
What is your reply?
Come and get them.
Oh, good line! I'll tell him.
I've been trying to work that in for ages.
Sire, the Persians have found a way behind us and we're surrounded.
To me, Spartans, to me.
Well, it looks like it's going to be a battle to the death.
Here, under the glaring sun of Greece.
Oh, something seems to have blotted the sun out, that's much better.
Ah...
Incoming!
Um, ah, oh!
This is Mike Peabody reporting for HH TV news.
Argh, live from the battle of Thermopylae.
Really wishing he was somewhere else.
Has anybody got about 400 plasters?
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk