What happened? Were you chased by squirrels again?
Hot girl.
Jogs by the building every day.
And you think if you pretend to be a jogger you can hit her?
How long did you last?
Just to the corner.
She's really fast.
Well, you could always try getting in shape.
There's a great gym in my office building.
Why don't you come down and work out with me?
Nah. I'll just date slow girls.
You do date slow girls.
Guess what I did last night?
I had drinks with Jessica Fisher.
Dude, you cannot set up a guessing game and then ruin it with the answer.
Guess if I care. I don't.
Wait. Jessica Fisher? Our prom queen?
Yep. And she is all growed up.
I sort of remember her being "all growed up" at 13.
So, how's she looking?
Mmm. Even hotter because now she talks to me.
Way to go, man. How did you wind up having drinks with her?
Well, she claims to have just happen to bump into me at the coffee shop.
But come on. She was probably crushing on me for the last eight years, you know.
So she tracks me down and then stalks me for a bit.
Maybe roots through my garbage.
And... next thing you know, it's like,
"Oh! Hey, Barry. What are you doing here? You look great. Let's go get drinks."
- There's no way Jessica Fisher... - And yet the truth of the matter is...
She's a 20 and you're a 2. It's--
Okay. Who broke my what?
I broke your iPod. But that's not why we're being quiet.
I ran into Jessica Fisher last night.
Jessica Fisher? Wow.
Yeah, yeah. Brace yourself.
She invited me to dinner tomorrow night.
Cool.
Cool? You're cool with it.
Sure. Why wouldn't I be?
Well, uh, because you were like totally in love with her.
That's not true.
Okay. So maybe I had a little crush on her. No big deal.
Fine. I asked her to prom and she said no. I moved on.
Okay, so before I moved on I made her a slightly embarrassing videotape.
Slightly? You're gonna go with slightly?
'Cause I remember boy sobs and weep snot.
Wasn't that bad.
I just think that we should be together.
All right, all right. Yeah, oh, yes!
Get it out, get it out.
But I think I deserve a little credit for not sending it to her.
Yeah, I think we deserve a little credit. We're the ones who made you burn it.
Whatever. It's ancient history.
Well, no, I'm just saying. I mean, 'cause I don't want to be insensitive
since I'm probably gonna date the girl you always wanted but could never have.
I'm fine with it.
Really?
It doesn't bug you?
Do you want it to bug me?
Kind of.
Well, uh, it doesn't.
In fact, I'm happy you found somebody you like.
Oh, man, you suck.
Wow. I haven't thought about that tape in years.
The biggest tragedy?
We only saw it once.
Yeah.
I still have it.
I asked you to prom, but you said no.
Nice guy finishes last again.
A fool in love whose tears now flow.
From him. I'm yours.
I'm me. I'm Ben.
In time we're bound to drift apart, so
think of me every now and then.
Remember the boy
with the golden heart.
I'm him. I'm yours.
I'm me. I'm Ben.
Wait for it, wait for it.
I just think that...
we should be together.
I-- Mom, get out!
Again.
Aren't you gonna shower?
Nah. People pee in there.
Nobody pees in there.
Dude, I peed in there, and I didn't even take a shower.
Whoa!
What?
Nothing. It--
I just haven't seen that thing since we were little.
And it's... really come into its own.
Bobby.
Stop it. You need to learn locker room etiquette.
The eyes stay up here.
Always up here.
All right, all right.
I don't want to make it angry.
Jason. I would've thought we'd have bumped into each other here before
seeing as we're both such gym hounds.
Woof!
Bobby, you remember my boss, Mr. Thorpe.
Oh, yeah, hi.
Nice to see you again.
Oh, nice to see you.
So, Jason, how are we coming on the air rights at Union Square?
Oh, looking good. I think we can go to 40 stories without a problem.
Excellent. Why don't you bring the paperwork up before lunch?
Will do.
Great. See you--
See you then.
No, no, our teachers were always hooking up.
I actually saw Mr. Monson making out with Ms. McLevy.
Or as we affectionately called her Ms. McCleavage.
She was huge, you know.
God. Where? Where did you see them?
Arby's. They came to my drive-through window.
Oh, I went to that drive-through all the time.
Yeah. I know. I used to give you extra Horsey sauce.
Play your cards right I might put on my paper hat.
Oh, you crack me up.
I wish we had hung out more in high school.
No, no, you're probably better off. I mean, I was kind of a bad seed.
Mr. Dangerous.
Plus I had mono for like a year and a half.
Hey, uh, why don't you have a seat and relax? And I'll get us some wine.
Sounds great.
Hey, Barry?
I'm having a really great time tonight.
Me too.
Hey, Jessica.
- Ben! - Wow.
Right on. Barry told me you guys were living together now.
Yeah. Well, wow, it's been forever. How are you? What's going on?
You know, I got my Masters in Russian Literature.
Wow.
Work in a lamp store.
So, it's all good.
So--so just to get something out of the way, um,
do you remember me asking you to the prom?
Uh, yeah. I was kind of hoping you'd forgot.
No, no, it's no big deal. Not at all.
Oh, you know, I feel awful. I went with that football dork Brian Larson.
But if it makes you feel any better, I didn't put out.
Neither did I.
But that's because I was at home watching The King And I with my mother.
I did get to dance though.
You're kidding? You're kidding. You got me.
Ha ha ha ha. Hey, what are we laughing about?
Just, uh, the bad old days.
Hey, where's your bathroom?
Oh, it's just down the hall.
Okay.
You come back soon.
You go away now.
What?
What? I thought you were cool with me dating her?
I am cool with it.
Then why are you moving in on her?
We were just talking. What's wrong with you?
Nothing. I just-- I really like this girl.
Okay? It's like I'm relaxed around her.
You know, like I don't have to do a whole song and dance to impress her.
That's great, man. You deserve it.
Thank you.
Now, get the hell out of here.
- All right. - All right.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
Hey. Where did Ben go?
Oh, I don't know. Probably went to go visit one of his kids or something.
So, uh, what do you want to drink to?
How about... a wonderful evening?
It keeps getting better.
God, it was so cool to see Ben. He looks great.
I got something you should watch.
- Hey, Toni. - Hey.
Tall coffee.
That's a roger.
Hey.
How was your day?
Weird.
I went up to give that paperwork to Thorpe like he asked,
and he was very cold to me.
Just totally unfriendly.
And then he criticized my tie.
Yeah, I had a feeling this might happen.
What?
Dude, he broke the rules of locker room etiquette.
He looked down and he saw.
And I saw him see.
But I don't think he saw me see him see.
We'll see.
Okay. And your point is?
He's obviously jealous and he's taking it out on you.
That's ridiculous. This is the business world.
It's about how well you do your job.
Not some crazy physical competition.
Trust me. It's the law of the jungle.
Thorpe is the alpha male of your office, and he's intimidated by you.
You're crazy.
You've been watching too much Animal Planet.
Perhaps.
But I stand by my theory.
You've threatened your boss's dominance with your clownishly oversized genitals.
I knew it.
This one's on the house.
I just think that we should be together.
I-- Mom, get out!
How about that?
Wow.
That might be the sweetest thing anybody's ever done for me.
Eli, I'd like you to handle the air rights on the Union Square high-rise development.
Uh, excuse me, Mr. Thorpe.
What is it, Jason?
Well, I was handling the Union Square project.
Mm-hmm. Well, not Eli is.
But I've done all the legwork. Did I do something wrong?
Well, since you asked, yes.
You approved a floor plan which included ridiculoususly large units.
Nobody wants a unit that big.
It'll scare people away.
Well, what am I gonna work on?
Oh, don't worry. I've got a project for you.
You'll be covering our condo conversion of the Short Hills Pencil Factory.
Oh. Wow. It's... so much smaller.
Size isn't everything, Jason.
Since we met, my life's a messica.
All I think of now is Jessica.
I like you so much it's almost scary.
In case you forgot, my name is Barry.
What the hell are you doing?
Oh, hey, what's up, Mick?
Um, I didn't hear you come in.
You're on the clock, Barry. You're supposed to be writing my autobiography.
If that's any indication of your writing, then I'm gonna get somebody else
to write my autobiography.
Oh, you didn't-- You didn't like my poem?
It stinks like a loo in a Spanish soccer stadium.
What am I gonna do, man? I-I can't lose this girl.
Oh, I see. You're trying to impress a lady.
Now it makes sense why you came to me.
You see me as your mentor in the ways of love.
Sure.
Oh, God. There he is.
I'm starting to think you were right about him.
He's been treating me really badly ever since "the look."
What am I gonna do? It's not like I can make him unsee it.
This thing is like an albatross around my neck.
Actually, it's like an albatross in your--
Don't.
I'm gonna go change in the stall.
Mr. Thorpe?
Yeah?
As Jason's friend,
I just wanted to let you know how much he appreciates
the opportunity to work for someone like you.
He gets so much out of his job.
In a lot of ways, it's-- it's all he has.
I don't understand.
Well, Jason doesn't have much of a love life.
I would think he'd do pretty well for himself.
You'd think so, wouldn't you?
But the truth is...
he may have a jumbo jet,
but it never leaves the ground.
Sorry?
Let's just say... his frank doesn't plump when you cook it.
Why are you telling me this?
I just thought you should know that you have
a dedicated, intelligent, and non-threatening "man" on your team.
Thank you, son.
That's good to know.
That is really good to know.
Hey, Jessica. What's up? Barry's not here.
Oh. I guess I'm a little early. You mind if I hang out?
Yeah, sure. Come on in.
You know, I saw your tape.
Which tape is that?
The tape that you made for me in high school.
Barry showed it to me.
That's impossible.
"I'm him. I'm yours. I'm me. I'm Ben."
"Mom, get out."
Okay, okay. W-What you're saying--
What you're saying is that Barry still has the tape.
Which means that he didn't burn it.
Which means that I have to kill him.
No. Why would you want to burn it?
I was really, really touched by it.
Really?
Yeah.
I had no idea you were so into me back then.
It was kind of like you sat behind me in class and never talked.
And whenever I said anything to you, you'd turn red and get quiet.
Yeah, that was my signature move.
Wait. So... if you had seen the tape in high school,
you would've gone to the prom with me?
No, I probably would've laughed and showed it to all my friends.
But, you know, we were kids.
And now, well, I mean--
Oh. Oh. Oh.
Okay.
Look...
Barry-- Barry really likes you.
Yeah, no. I like him too. I just--
Let me tell you what really happened that prom night.
When Barry found out that I was gonna be alone,
he and his date picked me up in their limo.
He used his key to sneak us into Arby's.
Thene got into this food fight, and we made it look like a burglary.
Yeah. He turned one of my worst nights in high school into one of my best.
Wow. That's really sweet.
Yeah, we got caught.
And I had to spend the next three weeks teaching foreigners the Pledge of Allegiance.
But I'm just saying he's-- he's a really good guy.
Yeah. You're right. Barry's great.
I hope he knows how lucky he is to have a friend like you.
He doesn't.
Thanks, Ben.
Of course. Sure.
Oh, so we're onto hugging now?
Barry.
Look, I'm gonna give you two some privacy.
No, no, no. That's actually-- It's perfect, Ben. You should stick around.
Jessica, I have something to show you.
Okay.
- I was walking - Walking
Down a one-way street
- Just a-looking - Looking
For someone to meet
One woman who was looking for a man
Like Barry.
Do you believe in love Jessica
Do you believe it's true 'Cause I do
Do you believe in love
'Cause you're making me believe it too
What--what was that?
That's how I feel about you.
Set to music.
And who was that other guy?
Oh, was that your dad?
No. No, no, no. It was my boss. It was stupid to have him in it.
I mean, I let him in because he financed the whole project.
But it was dumb. I know. I'm sorry.
But what exactly was the thinking there?
Well...
You loved Ben's video.
- So I was just hoping-- - Hoping
I'm getting the feeling like I'm in the middle of some weird AV club rivalry.
Well, no. I mean there wouldn't have been any rivalry
if you hadn't hit on her so hard.
I wasn't hitting on her, man. I gave her to you.
Well, she wasn't yours to give. I had dibs.
Dibs? What am I? A slice of pizza?
No! Well, yeah, but beautiful pizza.
You know, I mean, like independent pizza.
The kind of pizza that a man could really build a life with.
You know, suddenly I'm not so sad I didn't hang out with you guys in high school.
Uh, maybe I'll see you again in another eight years.
No, wait a second. Hold on. There's an extended version
where there's a mannequin that looks like you that comes to life and we dance!
Cue it up.
Okay. That wraps it up.
Oh, one last thing.
Eli, I've decided I'm giving Jason back the Union Square high-rise.
Wow. Thank you so much, Mr. Thorpe.
Well, you deserve it, son.
Think you can handle it?
Oh, I'm up for anything.
Not what I hear.
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