♪ There's one pet I like to pet
♪ And every evening, we get set
♪ I stroke it every chance I get
♪ It's my girl's pussy
♪ Often, it goes out at night
♪ Returns at break of dawn.
♪ No matter what the weather's like
♪ It's always nice and warm
♪ I bring tidbits that it loves
♪ We spoon like two turtledoves
♪ I take care to remove my gloves
♪ When stroking my girl's pussy! ♪
And the entire processshould take about 45 minutes.
OK. So, I'll start.
I'll say it and you repeat it
and that way you'll knowwhat to do when it's your turn.
My name is Roo McVie.
Repeat it back.
ALL, DRONING: My name is Roo McVie.Great.
But you'd put your own namein there, obviously.
And then a little bit about yourself.
My name's David Miller. I'm 33.I like Supertramp.
..and my favourite typeof aircraft, uh...
..Gulf War-period fighter planes.
I'm 27. I have nine kids,a dog and a bird.
The kids are namedin alphabetical order,
just for something different.
I'm not trying to have 26or anything - just, you know...
And if I had more time, I'd liketo start a company with my brother
where at school sporting eventswe offer haircuts to parents.
Usually there's a coffee cart.We want to do haircuts.
Right, great.
And that is when you tell us what youthink about soy.
Remember, there are no rightand wrong answers in market research,
just your own.
So, hands up here who gets a littlearoused just by looking at this.
That was a hypothetical,just a joke, sorry...
Ah, positive.Yep.
Negative.Yeah, did they give a reason?
Ah, they said it tastes like sock.
Just one sock, just a sock. Singular.Ah... Yep.
Ooh.
What now?Someone likes you.
Oh, what did they say?
Asks if you're single.As if it's not obvious.
Well, it's the hair.
Who is it?
OK.
Did you see who did that?
They're not getting paid.
Brilliant responses, thank you.
Ah, does anyone have any questions
before you head offto the alcoholic cider session. Yes?
Will you be takingthe next session too?
Sadly, no.
You'll be in the capable handsof the lovely Darren.
(Groans)Come on...
He's a retard.No. That's not a very PC word, OK?
Yes?So, are you single?
Mate, that's crossing the line.
Oh, yeah? Your facecrosses the line, mate.
That doesn't make sense.Yeah, it makes sense to me.
Your face crosses the line.OK, let's just calm down.
I'm only trying to defend youfrom Mr Sex Predator over here.
Oh, sex predator?Yeah.
Well, you're not the boss of me.Why don't you eat this?
Mate.Want some friggin' soy chips...?
OK, let's not ruinthe leftovers. Just leave it.
More?
(Angry shouting)
I walked inand you were playing them...
You said you loved Johnny Farnham.
I love Johnny Cash!Your words...
Do you ever listen? Take yourfucking bagpipes and get out.
Good evening.Oh.
Tell him to take his fucking Crocsout of the bathroom?
Zach, would you mind...?I can hear her. I can hear you!
I'm not deaf!You might want to add
that only midwivesand child molesters wear them
and even they don't getthe orange ones.
They're fire-engine red.And anyway, I...
I asked for the alcoholic cidergroup, but it was already taken.
But it was you who wanted to gobushwalking in the first place.(Door slams)
One a scale of one to ten?11.3.
Gone, gone. Do you think it'll stick?Time will tell.
Try the chocolate. Tasteslike Steiner kids' smell.
VOICEMAIL:Message received at 5:25pm.
Love, it's Mum.
Look, I triedto call you at the office
and they saidyou'd left for the day.
I'm not sureif you've heard the news.
If you haven't, then I'm sorryto be the one to tell you.
Brendan Atherton's dead.
I haven't thought aboutBrendan Atherton in ten years.
Wish he was better in bed so thismoment wasn't so awkward for you.
He was an arse clown.
Who dies from an allergic reactionto kava?
Do you know what, I never told youthis, but one time at uni,
when he went past you in thecorridor, he licked your hair.
Like, no-one else saw it.He just changed his mind.
You walked past and he was just likesaw an opportunity and went, yep...
It was... I didn't tell you.I thought it'd freak you out.
It's sad.Poor Brendan Atherton.
Poor me. I had to sleep with him.Twice.
Two times too many.
Let's drink to Brendan Atherton.It's what he would have wanted.
I think he would have wantedus to get a pizza as well.
It's weird, isn't it? When someonedies that you don't know very well.
You knew him.
Biblically.What, but not spiritually?
Brendan Athertonand his tiny, tiny testicles.
That's right -he had a wee little ball bag.
They were likeprecious little flesh marbles.
That's going to be the nameof my cover band.
Good choice.Thank you!
We've been Flesh Marbles.(Giggles)
Do testicles keep growingafter you die?
No, that's hair and nails.Oh.
Poor Brendan Atherton. I wonderif his technique improved.
Poor Brendan Atherton.
Did you want this?
When you're done.
Do you know, one of my ex-boyfriendsdied on Tuesday.
Oh, he wasn't really a boyfriend,
we just slept togethera couple of times at uni.
Wow, that's incredibly tragic.
Ah, the poor guy. He wasn't verygood. If you know what I mean.
I think he might have learnedabout women's bodies from that scene
in Revenge Of The Nerds where theydrill the hole in the locker room.
I meant, it's tragic that he died.
Very tragic. It was awful.He drank so much kava he OD'd.
If they opened him up he'd be like...like a giant mud brick.
A giant, very drunk, bogan mud brick.
You could start building your bogantree-change dream house with him.
I happen to find the subjectof death relatively unamusing.
What? I didn't know him that well.Still, someone did.
Mmm. His family.
I'm not sayingit's funny, I'm just...
Just saying that when you thinkabout it, drinking that much kava,
it's a relatively funny way to die.
You've got a relatively warped senseof humour, if you find it funny.
I have an excellent sense of humour.
I just don't seehow this is relevant.
It's entirely relevant. Condensedmilk is strongly linked to comedy.
What does it mean by 'slapstick'?
Oh, come on,everyone knows what slapstick is.
It's the pie in the face,that kind of thing.
Oh, I don't find that very funny.
OK, there you go, then. You put down'not funny' next to that option.
I like Two And A Half Men, though.
Do you?Yeah.
(Laughs) The fat kid's a classic.Yes, he is.
OK, well you can put that down, then.
Huh. Just the manI was coming to see.
I think you'll find that fourout of five condensed milk drinkers
find gallows humour funny.
So, if we apply the survey resultsto the conversation...
I take it that's your ex-partner.
Precious memories.
They really danced around the humanhouse-brick thing, haven't they?
But you can seethey're keen to take it further.
I'm really surprised atthe way you're behaving with this.
What are you talking about?He was a person too.
A human being.I know.
I think I might be using humouras a defence mechanism.
Don't touch me.
Oh, he had over 500 friends.
Don't do it.You're only making things worse.
Yeah, but you haven't seenhis little MySpace pictures -
they're really quite sweet.
And his religious views thingon Facebook says, 'Bundy's my God.'
Presumably he means the drinkand not the serial killer.
How did you get accessto his Facebook profile?
I confirmedhis pending friend request.
Dude, that is so repulsively morbid.
Oh, my God.What?!
He's on Adult Matchmaker.Ew.
Oh, my Go... He refers to himselfas a 'cock jockey'. Who says that?
Are there pictures?Yes.
Oh. My. God.Quick, give me the URL.
OK, go the Adult Matchmaker homepageand then click on men, do locality -
it's the third one down...OK, hang on a sec.
You've got to see this picture.
He's got like a... I think it's agerbera, but I can't see its head.
Hang on, hang on.
Oh, my God.Nice ear candle.
See?
(Computer emits ominous noises)Shit!
What?My computer spazzed out.
Shit.
Ladies and germs, we just hada major meltdown over here.
I've seized too.
Please tell me someone saved theAugust spreadsheets to shareware.
(I gotta go.)
Derek, can you get IT?
Have they figured outwhat the problem is yet?
The new IT guy's looking at it now,so it shouldn't be long.
Bit of a coincidence, isn't it?
That the computers should crashtoday of all days.
Why's that?You don't know what day it is?
Samuel # Jackson.
(Hisses)
Looks like a bit of a mess.
Yeah, should be back onlineby this arvo, though.
It's probably a bit difficultto suss out the origins
of these types of things, is it?
Oh, I don't know. It's not allthat hard when you sift through it.
It's kind of likea process of uh... elimination.
Hi.
Really?
Uh, and then I think he said Samuel# Jackson was involved with 9/11,
or something along those lines.
I wasn't sure if he was beingracist, so I didn't say anything.
What do you mean?About whether, you know...
..black people were responsible.Oh, God, no.
That's just because he thinksSamuel # Jackson is an actual spy.
Ah.But he is a bit racist.
And he's single, if you're looking.Ah, I'm not.
I mean, I'm, I'm not...Oh, no. I was kidding.
(Computer bleeps)
OK. That...That's not what it looks like.
Look, it's your business.No, we're doing some research.
We're holding some focus groupson autoerotic asphyxiation
and cross-dressing.
Look, if you and your boyfriend wantto swap saucy emails, it's your...
H-he-he's not my boyfriend.No, no, no.
We slept togethera couple of times at uni.
But not like that.
He's just an ordinary guy.He's not Annabel Chong.
Oh, I'm not saying he is.Was.
Moved throughhis experimental phase, has he?
Yes, into the afterlife.Oh, yeah?
Yeah, he passed on very recently.Oh, oh. I'm sorry.
I hope this didn't comeas a shock to you, then,
seeing him, um... on the computer.
Yeah, I thinkthat's a third person there.
Are you sure?Not really. No.
You can't go to the funeral.Why not?
You didn't even know the guy.
We had sex. We shared fluids.Oh, fluid-sharers.
They get to sit up the front.Very funny.
Can you even gatecrasha funeral, anyway?
It seems likeit's spectacularly poor form.
I'm not gatecrashing. The familyput the details in the paper.
They want people to come.If Brendan Atherton hadn't died,
you'd still be referring to himas 'that dickhead from uni'.
If I'd given him more of a chance,we might have fallen totally in love.
And he might have aimed his partywee at your bosom, not your eye.
Uncalled for.
I just think you're beingoverly sentimental for no reason.
What goodis going to come from you going?
I might get some closure.
Oh, my God.I might.
I might even have a little cry.I might be the type.
You've gone all strange.
Won't be weird if you come with me.No way.
Please. I can barely rememberwhat Brendan Atherton looks like.
Say yesNo.
Fine. I'll go by myself.Good.
I'll be alone at a funeral.Would you stop it?
All alone at a funeral.
Going to have a little cry now?Alone!
Want me to call the wambulance?
Ruth!Roo. Hello.
I'm Trish Atherton,Brendan's mother.
Hello.
Oh, gosh. It's so nice to meet youafter all these years.
Yes, you too.
I recognised youfrom the photographs, of course.
The photographs.
Brendan just adored you.
You made such an impact.
Well, yes. As did he on me.
You know, he used to refer to youas the one that got away.
He would have given anythingto have had another chance with you.
Doug!Yeah.
This is Ruth.Oh! Hello.
Hello.I'm sorry for your loss.
And I'm sorry for yours.
Have you metBrendan's girlfriend, Imogen?
Oh...Hi.
Hello.
You know, you two could be sisters.
Tough day, isn't it?Davey!
God, I haven't seen you in ages.
Well, not since that...At the party when...
Bren always did throwpretty wild parties, didn't he?
Yeah.
So, how have you been?What have you been up to?
Are you working,are you living locally?
You still livingwith your brother around here?
Sorry, do you mindif I just take a moment...?
(Speaks indistinctly)
(Subdued murmurs)
Excuse me.
Ruth.Oh, hello, Mrs Atherton.
You right for a lift to the wake?Uh, oh, I... I'll just get a bus.
We'll give you a lift.Don't want to be any trouble.
No, we're right to drive you.There's plenty of room in the car.
Do you know, I think Brendanwould be quietly chuffed
by the thought of youriding in the old family Merc.
Wouldn't he, Doug?I think he'd be thrilled.
There you go, then.
Uh... Shall we putthe radio on for a bit?
A little music might be nice.
♪ UPBEAT POP SONG
(Hums along to music)
(Switches off radio)
You've got balls showing up today.Sorry?
How could you treat Brendanlike that?
Like what?Like shit.
I didn't treat Brendan like shit.
You took his virginity and gotrid of him. Really sensitive.
Look, I didn't...
I'm sorry you think that, butI didn't mean to hurt him, really.
Oh, excuse me.
(Oh, thank goodness.)
Just the kind of guy you couldgo to in your time of need.
Really rock solid.
Yeah, he hadn't hada lot of contact in recent years.
We were Facebook friends, though.
Oh.
(Sighs) I'm sorry, it's just...
Today's really hard, you know.
It must be hard for you too.
Yes, it is.
I'll bet.
It's really nice to see you, Davey.You too.
I mean, I know the circumstancesaren't great.
No kidding.
Listen, do you want to get a cabor something? We could talk more.
That'd be great.OK.
Where to, mate?
Just to Bridge Street Station,thanks, mate. Where are you?
Yeah, let's just head to the station.OK.
You look really good, by the way.Not really.
My hair's all fuzzy.No, no, no, no.
I think it looks nice.
Little Ted.
Oh! Sorry, did I...?What?
Did I mistime? I mistimed it.What was that?
Were you just pulling a move there?Well, ye...
Yes, frankly. I thought you...You touched my hair. Weren't we...
Isn't that why we're goingback to your place?
No, I thought you were droppingme off and you were going on.
After the...After the what?
After...
I thought you wantedto talk more about Brendan.
Well, that would be a bit awkward,wouldn't it, if we'd just had...
You were just at a funeral!
Isn't it bad enoughthat you ruined a friendship
between two best friends once?
Are we still going to the station?Yes!
What are you talking about?
After that thing that we hadat Blair's party.
Brendan was devastated. It tookme months to regain his trust.
I had no idea that...
Now you want to go and rub saltin the wound, today of all days?!
The guy's not even in the ground yetand you stomping all over his grave.
I'm not stomping.
If I had any idea howhe felt about you back at uni,
how much he loved you...
We slept together twice!
..I never have gone to bedwith you.
I never would have done thatto a friend.
Wait a second. I'm not responsiblefor Brendan and his feelings.
I barely even knew the guy.That's not how he saw it!
Well, I can't help how he saw it.
We slept together twice, said helloaround campus and that was it.
And to be honest,he was terrible in bed
and he got all weird and stalkyafter we shagged
and at this very momentI wish we'd never met, alright?
You are a real piece of work,you know that?
What?
There's a word for people like youwhere I'm from. Really?
Yeah, it's 'fucking slut'.Stop the cab.
That's two words.Didn't you go to Boys' Grammar?
Not the kind of languageone would expect.
I know you're upset, but you and yourassumptions can just rack off!
Brendan Ather...He sent me one Christmas card.
How was I supposed to kno...
Just drive to the freeway, please.(Screeching tyres)
(Crash!)Jesus!
It was awful, terrible. He cameout of nowhere. I can imagine.
Did you manage to seewhere the other driver came from?
No, I didn't see anything until theguy landed, slam, on my windscreen.
Look at that.Guy bleeds to death on my car.
I'm going to feelfunny cleaning that off. And, ma'am?
I didn't see anything. Sorry.Sorry, I'm a bit upset. Of course.
It's like hitting a monkeywith a cricket bat.
The guy was being a bit of a prick,but no-one deserves that.
I'm not sure that helps.
Two of them. Two.
I know. It's a bit full on.
It was right in front of me.You poor thing.
And you took Brendan's virginity?
Isn't that outrageous?Why didn't he say anything?
Maybe he was embarrassed.
Imagine being someone's first timeand not knowing.
What would you have donedifferently if you'd known?
I don't know, made some little cakes,popped a party popper at the end.
Been a bit more forgivingabout his mistakes.
Your overt sentimentality overBrendan Atherton is a real worry.
What? It is not.
If you were being this wayabout Leighton, I'd understand.
Oh... But Brendan Athertonwas hardly a blip on the radar.
I loved Leighton.Everyone loves Leighton.
We were good together, weren't we?We worked.
He was the first big love.
I know.I never told him that.
You told him you loved him.
Yes, but I never told himhe was my first.
I wanted to be - I don't know -sophisticated.
And then he broke my heart.
He might not even liveat his brother's anymore.
Bet he does.Sure you want to do this?
This is what people doafter a shock.
They call the people they loved andlet them know how precious life is.
I thought that was AA.Shh.
Answering machine.Hang up.
Voice on the machine.Told you he still lived there.
Good. Now we know. Hang up.
Hello, Leighton. It's Roo here.
Haven't spoken to youin years and, um...
And I've beengoing through some things.
Nothing serious.
Kind of serious, I guess.
But not a sexuallytransmitted disease or anything.
Oh, dear.This is going well, isn't it?
Uh... shit.
Well, that was awesome.
I should call back.I would highly advise against.
I can't leave it like that.I said 'shit' and hung up.
At least you didn't end on thesexually transmitted disease bit.
Marian Keyes writes booksabout people like you.
Hi, me again.
Look, that was a strange message,so I just thought I'd call back
and say...
Actually I'm not entirely surewhat I wanted to say. Um...
Hang up.
That was just EJ telling meto hang up. Sorry.
I shouldn't have hung up like that.
You think? It's your go.
Please, stop. Please, stop.Just stop what you're...
Hi! Me again.This is getting weird, I know.
But I just thought... Um, anyway.
Listen, Leighton,I did want to tell you that
even though I never madeit clear when we were togeth...
Can you please stop calling here?
Was he there?
Did he pick up?
It was his brother. Leighton's dead.
Closed Captions by CSI