Whoa! What's going on here?
(roar)
(violent hiss)
(roar) Oh, hey, Rallo.
We're just going to watch a tiger fight a Komodo dragon.
Roberta, light the ring!
(boxing bell clangs)
All right!
But why is this happening in our living room?
We do stuff like this every night
after you go to sleep. (tiger roars)
Wait a minute, what time is it?
8:12?! It's past your bedtime.
Who wants a sno cone?
Rallo, why are you still awake?! You get up to bed right now.
But I wanna watch... Baby, you're little,
and you need sleep.
I'm tired of being treated
like I'm a second-class citizen because I'm little!
Drinking out of sippy cups,
painting with my fingers,
Cleveland putting me in a cage
when you're not around...
CLEVELAND: Not a cage. It's a crate.
Rallo, the reason little people have no rights
is because your brains are small,
so you're not very smart yet.
Do we at least have time for a story?
(weary sigh)
Fine...
The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein.
CLEVELAND: Release the beasts!
(tiger roars, glass shatters, gun fires, children cheer)
Ooh!
There was a needy man, and a homosexual tree
that never had the guts to make its move.
The end.
Aw, man...
CLEVELAND: Look! The dragon's sprouting wings!
So's the tiger!
Hop on, Junior,
we're flying to the moon!
â™ª â™ª
CLEVELAND JR.: Yay!
(funky disco plays)
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪
♪ And I am proud to be ♪
♪ Right back in my hometown ♪
♪ With my new family ♪
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear ♪
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place ♪
♪ Where everyone will know ♪
♪ My happy mustached face ♪
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
== Sync, corrected by elderman == == for www.addic7ed.com == (chuckles)
The Cleveland Show 2x13 A Short Story and a Tall Tale Original Air Date on Febuary 13, 2011
Hey-hey... boss-man!
You wanted to see me?
Please, Cleveland, sit down.
Mmm.
(grunts)
Mmm.
(groans)
Mmm. (awkward cry)
Cleveland, you're black, aren't you?
Yes, uh-huh...
Well, I don't want to sound racist,
but the company got two court-side tickets
to the NBA All-Star Game in Los Angeles
and I'd like to give them to you.
Is there saddamy involved?
No...
I just thought someone of your hue
would enjoy watching some basketball.
Well, hue've got that right!
Thanks, you racist sumbitch!
♪ All-Stars! ♪
♪ Hollywood! ♪
♪ Courtside! ♪
♪ Courtside...! ♪
Going to a ball game.
Flawrence, send in Jose.
I want to give him a Datsun pickup truck
filled with alley furniture.
Hop up. No way!
I'm not getting in here.
I'm a growing-ass man!
Come on. Just get in the cart. You get in the cart.
These people don't know me. Can't, 'cause you're too fat.
I will hit you. Get in! Stranger danger! AMBER Alert!
Child abuse! Fine.
I'm gonna do my own shopping.
Get some name brands.
(clanking)
How bad you want it?
(chuckles) Tough guy, huh?
Keep it. Typical!
They only got one small cart left.
Why? Because nobody
gives a crap about us little people.
I hear you, man.
Just take mine. I don't got no money, anyway.
Thanks, slick. The name's Marty.
Marty Barty.
Montclair Tubbs.
But everybody calls me Rallo.
Walk with me, Rallo.
You're allowed to drink?
Of course. Why wouldn't I be?
'Cause you're little.
Shoot, my old lady won't let me do anything.
What a disgrace!
No one should tell one of us guys
what we can or can't do.
Okay Marty, I got the menthols,
pudding, and condoms.
Let's go.
Damn, Marty, you got it going on!
(chortles) You can too, Rallo.
Call me sometime.
(slap)
There you are!
How many times have I told you not to go wandering off?!
You're not the boss of me!
The hell I'm not!
Don't you make me spill my wine.
I wonder if I can smoke in here.
Ugh! Nightgown?
Like I'm sleeping with Gargamel.
What are you doing?
Not you, Dumbledore.
Check this out!
Got a little competition going.
I had each of the guys make a video
about why I should pick them to come with me
to the NBA All-Star Game.
Why should you take me to the NBA All-Star Game?
Because some white men can jump!
(grunts)
HOLT: And now...
from Stoolbend Junior College,
at 5' 3 1/2",
Hol...
Screw this. Next!
Hey, Cleveland.
You should take me to the game.
But don't take it from me.
Take it from number one Laker fan, Jack Nicholson.
You can't handle, uh, the truth!
Here's... Johnny!
I'm an aging icon who,
at this point, is more tolerated than admired.
Hold up!
You got two free tickets
to the All-Star Game in Los Angeles?!
I've decided on my own to take Donna.
Aw, Cleveland,
you're worse than one of Ben Franklin's non-famous sayings.
If you put your penis on something, it's yours.
No one else can eat it.
Go on, write it down.
And because he was a rat, he's sleeping with the fishes.
(chortles) "Rat sleeping with the fishes."
That's crazy. Ain't got no cheese underwater.
(both laugh)
So what do you wanna do?
You ever play the ponies?
I used to play the ponies.
I'm more into dinosaurs now.
You're a real screwball, you know that, Rallo?
You wanna drive?
I didn't think people like us could drive.
Rallo, people like us... can do anything we want.
Here, you drive.
(keys jingle) All right!
(engine revs)
(tires screech) Yeah!
(thud) Whoo!
(both laugh riotously)
All right! All right, Rallo!
Rallo's driving?
That's just crazy.
Arise, Cameron!
You guys are going to Hollywood?!
Can I...? No.
I made you this locket, so you don't forget me.
When you close it, our faces touch.
(whispers): And kiss each other on the cheek.
(cries)
I'll write you every day.
Junior, we're back the day after tomorrow.
(wails)
(groans)
Reminds me of you at that age.
When are you coming back?
What day is it? Tuesday.
Never. (door slams)
(bugle plays "Call To the Post")
Go, six! Go, six! Go! Go! Go! Come on, six!
Do it, six! Daddy needs
a new pair of Crocs! Poop on the track, six!
♪ ♪
(both laugh)
♪ ♪
(siren wails, tires screech)
Thanks for today, Marty.
Should we go back and check on that guy I ran over?
His sign said he was in Vietnam.
I'm pretty sure he can handle it. (both laugh)
Oh, man. For a little person, you sure live large.
I still live with my mother.
You know what?
You and your mom sound way too close.
You need another lady in your life.
How's about you go on a date with my sister?
What's she look like?
You'd be doing me a personal favor.
I'll pay for it. Any restaurant you choose.
Cheese E. Charlie's!
(laughs) Rallo, you're a riot!
Meet her there at 6:00.
You don't mind if I take her in the ball pit, do you?
(giggles) I call it that, too.
CLEVELAND: California, here we are!
(screaming, crashing)
Only survivors.
Hey, look! A palm tree!
♪ ♪
Hollywood is gross!
Hi.
Well, the book says downtown is the new hot spot.
(cacophony of car horns honking)
CLEVELAND: This is just one overpriced restaurant
surrounded by thousands of drug-using bums!
(slobbering)
(squeaking)
How about we try Beverly Hills?
(cacophony of car horns honking)
This is all stupid Iranians
and botched plastic surgeries.
Let's try the beach.
(cacophony of car horns honking)
CLEVELAND: There's raw sewage running directly into the water!
And everyone's swimming in their dungarees!
How about we try one of L.A.'s thousands
of marijuana stores?
(door bell jingles)
This is the greatest city in the world!
(police sirens wail)
(rumbling) Earthquake!
(lady shrieks) MAN: Mudslide!
I love L.A.!
OTHERS: We love it!
(arcade game noises)
Marty said you were cute,
but he didn't tell me you were drop dead gorge!
Marty suggested by his silence
that you were not attractive,
but you're all right. (laughs hoarsely)
I'm LOL-ing so much.
I haven't LOL-ed this much in awhile.
(sighs) It feels so good to LOL.
You guys ready to order?
I'll have three glasses of chardonnay.
Uh, chocolate pizza.
So, what do you do?
I go to school.
A student! Huh!
Marty usually hangs out with guys in waste management.
Real apes!
Hey, how'd you like to visit the ball pit?
I don't know. It looks like
a lot of people been in there today.
(laughs) You're right!
♪ ♪
Cool! We're getting here in the third quarter,
just like real L.A. fans!
And look at all these celebrities.
There's that hottie Anna Torv from Fringe.
Fridays at 9:00 on Fox! Fringe.
It's about space or something.
(gasps) There's Denzel Washington!
Ooh! I'm gonna give him some tonight.
Get in line.
♪ ♪
Anybody else tired of always having to dribble the ball
whenever you want to move?
Man, I hate dribbling.
And it can't be good for the floor.
Shaq's right. Hey, if we all get together
and say we're not gonna dribble anymore, what are they gonna do?
And why can't we play in the morning,
and then just get on with our day?
I have a garden.
Flowers, tomatoes, nectarines...
(horn sounds)
I like dribbling.
I love NBA games!
It's the only place where you can get drunk on light beer
and yell at millionaire giants.
Watch.
Hey! Dork Nowitzki!
English is not my first language.
What is this "dork"?
Uh, it means "handsome."
Oh!
Thank you!
(horn blows)
(cheering)
Hey, Kevin Garnett!
Smooth move going straight to the NBA,
instead of going to college!
Good luck getting into grad school, chump!
Oh, no!
You do not talk to my son like that!
Well, your son is shooting three for 15.
What percentage is that, Kevin?!
He doesn't know, 'cause he didn't go to college!
Do you know what percentage that is?!
I was a ceramics major.
Sit down and keep your mouth shut,
you Stanley-from- The Office- looking dope!
(gasps)
Hey, Mom!
Why is Stanley from The Office yelling at you?
I do not look like Stanley from The Office.
Seriously, I do not look like Stanley from The Office.
You know, Stanley from The Office
looks like our fat son. I hate this show now.
(door shuts)
Hi, Rallo.
How was your little date at Cheese E. Charlie's?
You have fun with your girlfriend?
Yeah. We're getting married.
Don't.
Oh, that is the cutest thing I've ever heard.
You are quite the little gentleman!
Well, she kept saying all her friends are getting married,
something about her eggs drying up.
Plus, she's got pretty big boobs for a five-year-old,
so I said, "Whatever, I'll marry you tomorrow."
What's her ass like?
It's important!
You're all terrible!
Ever hear of something called "defense"?
(horn blows)
Cleveland Brown representin' the 555!
Stoolbend, Virginia, y'all! I'm out!
The 555, y'all!
I know we won, but it's hard to enjoy it
after that guy called me "Steve Trash."
He called me "Dwight Coward."
I know because I thought he said my name,
but when I waved to him--
as I do whenever anyone says my name--
he enunciated it more clearly,
and this time I realized I'd been insulted.
You know what?
I'm gonna banish that guy to Jerk Island.
Jerk Island? What's that?
It's just a place in my mind
where I send unkind people.
Don't you understand, LeBron?
He insulted my mother.
Before I was a seven-foot millionaire NBA star,
I was just a scared six-foot-tall first-grader
who could barely dunk.
But that didn't matter to Mom.
She believed in me.
(sobbing): I just wish I could get through
one All-Star Game without crying.
Come on, now, LeBron.
We wouldn't be All-Stars
if we couldn't access our emotions.
Come here, give me a hug.
We're going to Virginia.
We're gonna set Cleveland Brown straight.
Hey, let's hope the refs don't call us for traveling.
(laughs)
Oh, my God, Shaq!
Traveling!
"Traveling," he says!
(doorbell rings)
What's up, Rallo? What you doing today?
What's up, Bernard? What's it look like?
I'm getting married.
Married?!
Is she black?
No.
All right! (sighs) Of course.
Well, that's too bad you're busy,
'cause we just found ourselves a breast augmentation pamphlet.
We thought we'd drive our Matchboxes over some boobs.
Well, why didn't you say so?
Come in, gentlemen.
♪ ♪
(sobbing)
I put a wedding together on a day's notice,
and this bastard doesn't show?!
Of course he left!
They always leave!
Nobody wants to be Mr. Trish Barty!
I'm hideous!
Don't you say that.
You're a solid five.
Let's go, fellas!
We're gonna kill Rallo Tubbs!
(bird screeches)
Tony!
(gunshots)
Damn hawks! All right.
Everybody lock arms for safety.
What a great trip!
Cleveland, you have to write Mr. Waterman
a thank-you note.
Ugh! Now it seems not worth it.
(sobbing)
I-I want Rallo to suffer, Marty!
Make him feel the pain I'm feeling now!
I'm gonna go at Tubbs with all the muscle I can get.
(blows note)
(note resounding)
(all clamoring)
Where to?
Can you drop us off at Cleveland Brown's?
Sure, I know exactly where that is.
And remember, driver carries less than $20 in change.
And I got family.
♪ ♪
(tires screech)
Step aside, little man.
I was here first.
Who are you calling "little"? (whistles)
Hello. (groans)
Shaq's in trouble!
Shaq, wish yourself out of there!
For the last time, Dirk, Kazaam was not real.
But it seemed so real.
Come on, you Chatty Cathies. We gotta help him!
(laughs) You're tickling me! All right, leave me alone, stop it!
Ah! Hey, hey! Oh! Hey, get off!
Get this guy off me! LeBron, help me!
Here you go, buddy. Right there.
Hey, come on now! Get off!
(thudding)
Ha! You're not gonna believe this!
There's a bunch of elves in tuxedos
attacking NBA All-Stars on our lawn!
This is the best day ever!
There he is! Get him!
(screams)
♪ ♪
You thought you could leave
my gross sister at the altar?!
Wait! No!
Five is too young to die!
Wait. What?!
You're just a kid!
Aren't you?
I can't believe I made this mistake again.
No, Rallo, Trish and I are little people.
Yeah, I'm a little person, too.
No. "Little people" means we're adults
who are the size of children.
Oh, you mean midgets?
We don't like that word.
Yeah, but you say "midget," at least people know
what you're talking about.
You know, you got a point.
(chuckles) Oh, Rallo,
I tell you something, you dodged a bullet with Trish.
(groans) Where's that hawk when you need him?
Come on, sis.
I'll wait for you.
Don't.
Please don't hurt me.
I didn't mean what I said at the game.
I had eaten six pounds of medicinal peanut brittle!
We don't want to hurt you, Cleveland.
Neither the NBA nor its affiliates
condones violence as the solution to any problem.
But you did make fun of my mother,
and I can't let that slide.
Where's your mother?
She's right here.
Oh, yeah? Well, yo mama's so ugly...
Kevin!
Mom! What are you doing here?
Someone forgot to call his mother when he landed.
And someone also forgot his manners.
Apologize to this nice lady.
Sorry, Mrs. Brown.
Oh, I'm sure my son did something to deserve it.
Cleveland, is there something you want to say?
No!
Ow, ow, ow, okay, okay! Sorry for real!
Friends?
Oh, come here, you!
See? LeBron James does care about Cleveland.
CLEVELAND: Ha!
== Sync, corrected by elderman == == for www.addic7ed.com ==